Coffee is on the stove There’s a warm glow And the nightmare from my dreams below Hanging from my halo A rock would be softer than this pillow I’m too low
It’s that time of the month again. Where my mood shifts like a pendulum. Can’t handle where I’ve been. It’s just my blood darling.
Can’t believe people didn’t take better care of their bloodlines.
I’m crying all the time, putting in the overtime, won’t cost you a dime.
Happy dying. Oh stop lying.
I dunno if this is an insult but it’s likely why you’ll never hear me boo’d off stage or attempting open mic cuz that’s exactly what this slam poetry was –
Thank you?
I just think it’s funny I quit posting after that comment. I mean how many straws?
No I don’t have thick skin. Poe died naked out his mind on the street darling.
There are hills I have climbed There are mountains where I’ve died I’m still lingering on the hillside There are trails where the blood dried
Your stats are booming! But it doesn’t mean I’m looming Come school me Don’t fool me
I had the worst diet Lived on his lies like it was the Hyatt His love was a riot Never peace Just wanted quiet
What am I doing holding onto these ashes? Counting midnight stashes? Wondering how long life is? Cuts like a knife when Life ends Just like yours did Where does mine begin?
The same way they think they’re game is worth waiting for They’re a fucking bore Matchmaking locked But I got a glock
I didn’t want to give another update; another reason why I am late. An outtake: for fuck sake
My favorite part of the journey is the rest Think I like it best Some call me lazy Cuz I like to nest?
Of course we would meet through the ether I’m not pure either Heaven I would not enter Just sitting here in purgatory Like a bedtime story
My love is buried in a cave Degrading Am I worth saving?
Dear Follower, I know you followed Through endless hollow Look all the years and roads we travelled Bickered laughed falling on some gravel
The places we will go You know I miss you so?
Met you at my lowest like an interlude of course it wasn’t the devil but God true and true even if you were just a man he looks just like you?
Do you think God could create a love that goes on forever? Do you think the universe is a love letter? Cuz I’ve got memories as distant as stars But not where you are Like living in a waking dream You are there in the corner of my seams WALKING WITH ME
We’re neurodivergent We spin like it’s urgent Spinning faster than the earth is Some say we’re imperfect
Error Like an arrow Straight to the center gravity Of my failure
Still I’m getting better Miscalculating data Just like the AI Counting only matter
I don’t know what I’m holding on to Will I disappear after all I’ve been through If I let her go, will I be new?
I don’t know what I’m doing here When I want to roam the streets dear But my shadow’s bringing fear
I don’t know why I’m circling Nothing I do ever stops the hurtin’ There’s just avenues of me
Burial piece cuz single never married (i think it’s real crystal cuz it’s imperfect yah?) but also the energy – the light reflecting – the weight and things (new crystal head piece) (will things catch fire if i go out in the sun – i mean that could make for a good vampire short) (and yes people do catch their houses and cars on fire over 1 tiny crystal – how many does this hold) – new superpowers uncontrolled – prob why im grinning – i could be the most hideous beast but not my headpiece) (he gonna wanna marry me)
They pass out medical diagnosis like it’s a weather forecast; “You’re 6 degrees from dying but there’s sunshine at last”…
Precognition
I said, you’re perfect Nothing would be worth it That’s the verdict
(I’ll never date or acknowledge another ten) (not even gonna look their way) (oof TOUCHE BROTHER)
RUST IN HELL
Like if a ten ever asked me out for anything I’d be like: WHAT. NO. You’re more than a ten.
I’d simply walk away.
And if he persisted I’d just demand loudly: I DON’T WANNA BE YER FLESHLIGHT
Yeah no NOT REAL – DENOUNCED – took me a whole science degree and 40 plus years WOOHOO – I AWOKE
Like standing up for yourself While backing into a wall It’s no fun at all But you will prob hear me laugh As I’m picking up my step Crying down the hall
I dunno if I’m clumsy or if it’s almost a full moon
Two things can be true at once
I get upset I don’t spend more time talking to the stars
That shit won’t even be twinkling til I ask it something specific: “did you miss me, two for yes, one for no” and I’ll be blessed it’ll blink twice
HA! knew knew
Our love is instant – no distance between the two
The sun is local
Flat earth: not confirmed
(I know things b4 they happen)
I pick up the signal before the signal arrives
DO U WANT MORE LINES?
(Im still under a treatment plan, not in remission, got tired of the constant penalties trying to game or socialize)
You don’t want me writing on *insert CGP* yet
Better let me feed the squirrels
And stop cutting down the trees
You already ran off Owl or killed him one
Im on final edge
THERE’S NO MORE WARNINGS
I’ll attempt to post some of my DBD gaming maybe – just to show you how pissed off I really am – either go all in on the killer hardcore pallet stun blind after blind or i never move
I go in without an offering item or perk
I don’t lurk
It’s either “go ahead and get yer 4k or there’s no stopping me and i’ll even get the hard save”
I was laughing SO HARD when I kept getting STUN AFTER STUN and kept shaking my head NO but the killer was heated – and I was so calm – Im learning to control my moods thru the game lmao
Get the killer all worked up and I aint even breaking a sweat
Eh sometimes I feel bad and just let them have me cuz damn i be mean
But what’s even more fun is the killer only saving me
Ive tried to die and they’re like “nah you can have hatch”
“Im suicidal too”
Sweet. Happy Halloween boo.
Squirrel enjoying the fresh food n water from the rabbit carrot ceramic bowls
I uninstalled the game. AGAIN.
And I don’t doomscrool
The one app I was left on kept punishing me after I spent loads of money feeding the enemy
Im not supporting other creators when I cant do the same (without penalty)
Im tired of appealing?
I really wanna update my blog?
I have goals but then again Im bed rotting
I was at physical therapy yesterday
“Im not ready for a walker”
But you need to get use to seeing me with a walking stick
You only call me every decade You stand with shovel or maybe a spade Confessing sins like something you’ve paid Disappear into sunset from wither you came But love is stronger never decayed
I wrote an alternate version on my TikTok. But this is the original draft.
(p∞)
STOP CALLING ME A SIR
STOP CALLING ME A SIR
STOP CALLING ME A SIR
STOP CALLING ME… A SIR
P.S. i have something lying dormant in me. Only it ain’t very dormant. And it’s a lot like cancer.
I don’t have an official diagnosis (you don’t normally get those until you’re stage 4) (I hope you can “hear” my sarcasm over my shame).
52 kilos today.
Like 114.
Still got some teeth and hair. No tiddies. Too tired to put on makeup. I guess that gives people the right to call me a fucking sir.
I LITERALLY FUCKING DARE YOU
SAY MOTHERFUCKER ONE MO TIME
No amount of misgendering me is gonna make me get plastic surgery or botox.
I can’t wait to scare you with my wrinkles.
I wanna live so long that one look at me makes you rethink your entire existence.
Like “what the hell is that” cuz I frequently say it when I look in the mirror at my thinning hair (from the stress or cancer which may or may not be in my control)
I have about 10% of energy at any given time and makeup just isn’t on my to-do-list. But it’s always on my mind. I would even like to try wearing cute wigs.
But I don’t need to attract any more drones overhead.
If I look like I’m dying it’s probably because I am (not in remission yet)
Still fighting for my life 🙂
Now might be a good time to call.
Don’t wait another decade
P.S.S. How does one get a burner phone not connected to oneself? Asking for a friend.
You stayed? 🙂 I don’t have any good photos right now.
I’ve been unpacking.
STOP CALLING ME A SIR CUZ I AM A PLAIN JANE WITH TINY TIDDIES
I never grew up and it drives HIM insane
I fell out of my bed and got bruised but this doesn’t show the magnitude
Had I been older: “how did she go?” “Fell down”
Told my daughter I need bedrails and to be treated like a child
My shoulder and ankle is a champ for taking the direct impact instead of my head – or hitting in such a way it stops your heart (I already have a heart injury so it was a challenging fall).
This photo was days after the event, at least a week
And my entire shoulder blade turned black and blue.
My head did hit the floor.
My ankle jarred into the metal bed rail and nearly broke
It swelled for three hours and then swelled some more
It wasn’t even 6 AM and I laid on the floor for at least five minutes moaning before I even attempted to get up
Getting older is like becoming a baby again
I NEVER WANNA FALL OUT OF MY BED EVER AGAIN
But had my head been the first thing to hit or the side of my shoulder instead of back – I don’t think my heart would like that
So I spread eagle to slow my fall hoping to grab something – and literally everything on the shelves next to the bed started coming down
INCLUDING A SNOW GLOBE
Which miraculously did not fall on my head
Or break
There’s some tender deep down in there near my ankle bone – but I can finally twist her and twirl and not shit myself
Couldn’t even lean on it on the couch
Ankle and shoulder did good
Saved my life this time
And my bed be high up
No carpet or rug below
Woke up, foggy and disoriented, and went to shift and lean back, thinking I was gonna lay back on my pillow, but instead gravity grabbed me
My life flashed, I spread eagle, and I’m still recovering
And need to baby proof my home
And I had to go to the dentist (I gotta go again)
I forget what we were talking about but he mentioned something about “old” and I said “well what do you consider old” and he said “30” but he didn’t think that I was older than that and none of them ever do
I was driving one day and I let the sun just burn my fucking face and I have this sunspot now
I’m suicidal
The sun imprinted on me
Hell, all I gotta do is dash out to my car and like FRECKLES GALORE
I burn – I don’t tan
Normally, I do things to stop or prevent the burning, but not that day 
Sometimes I stare at it too (prob don’t rec)
I’m not the brightest crayon in the box and I’ve often wondered why God made me so dumb
I love the feeling when the light goes off (or comes on)
Like when you finally get it
“Oh”
But I’m the kind of person that you have to explain something to in a different way, not by just repeating the same sentence over and over again or saying it louder
Sometimes I can’t hear and I’ll do a “huh” and they’ll give me the definition instead
Cuz they think I’m dumb
One time I gave the drive-thru employee “too much money” cuz I wanted a ten back – and no change – and it took him a good minute to figure out what was happening
Turns out I wasn’t dumb or scamming him
I was actually making his job easier
But now they’re getting rid of cash
And I still sort my bills all the same
I just counted up my piggy bank
I had been stuffing that bitch
Folded up 20, 10s, and 5s. And silver and single dollars too.
killed one but let the other live, i cannot know a thing
“don’t come around here”
“i told yah”
it’s definitely hormonal though because some days I’m willing to fight and other days I’m willing to fucking create
The problem is most people are destroying faster than things can create because nihilism is rampant
and if stats are 3 to 5 people have an STD we can assume that they are sterilized and unable to have any children
Sterilization is happening in so many different ways though
as long as the rich can continue ivf abominations
if you’re offended it’s not my problem
you can continue to shadow ban me but every checkmark page that shows up on my fucking profile I’m gonna block it
any time i get a penalty for anything – BLOCKFEST
using a favorite song but getting an “unoriginal video removal penalty” – bye bye band – BLOCKY
i can keep going because I block people just looking at FYP videos and reading comments that have nothing to do with me or the creators video
even with the shadowbans and blocking sprees, i’ve somehow managed to linger around 5k on the potential tiktok ban
fighting for my life still so making content is not priority number one
recently i reached out to an old schoolmate and then i casually blocked them
i wasn’t trying to get back into their life
just having revelations
“like remember that time you stoned me”
need a sling and rock me thinks
moving into that portion of the Bible/Matrix
when they take on the giants/ mr smith
“got any weapons on you”
the cop telling me i need to take a walk to cool off
honey, you need to take a walk to lose some of that fat
he’s a fucking cop and I’m dying and I make better attempts at keeping up with my health than he does
i’m on the damn MRI table sitting in a hospital gown that’s 100 times my size too big and telling the doctor I’m not “marriage material” and he’s like “what? well if you think it’s your looks it’s not that…”
my damn mechanic thinks i’m fit
like no
my back arms are jelly
i need to work on my triceps and my booty gains and i’m not getting to do anything but try to fucking not have my throat close up on me in this fucking toxic environment
And do I just pay the rent or do I go through all the legal fucking bullshit to tell the landlord fuck you you ain’t get another dime from me?
The headache and stress involved in doing this and also trying to quit weed medicinal again at the same time and moving on my own and just everything
I already turned in my notice to vacate and I did send out the certified stuff
this place is a dump and the law is on my side – but there are obstacles and headaches involved – they make it so – the librarian even pointed it out “The forms the landlord needs are easy to find and accessible but not the tenants” (cuz i was embarrassed i could not do a simple task)
He would send a cease and desist to stop the eviction process and im gone anyway he said
“dont pay june rent – ride it out until xyz”
im ready to post reviews and give one star ratings
“if you like living with cockroaches, mold, and crime, where half the amenities posted online are nonworking and the slumlords gaslight you daily, you found the right space…”
“see piccys”
the blm community have children and teenagers stealing packages and banging on doors
not out of the neck of the woods yet… you said under woven stars mixed with metaphors and scars you wouldn’t be far – but i’d never ever reach you heaven is beneath you like a glass jar mixed with marbles and gold bars you see everything that i do upside down entangled view dolls and stars now old guards
and we both know you should not have used the same rules on me as you do on everyone else
God created everything
we don’t choose who we fucking love
“i’ll treat her like shit cuz i don’t deserve her” bullocks
again, apocalypse
i know you miss my random 2 am text messages waking you up with a picture of a single chip
i know you do
i don’t know what you thought it was i was gonna mail you
i don’t know how many times i gotta say – i aint that kinda girl
you aint my hubby
you lucky you got a text message at all of a bowl of beans
what an inconvience
enjoying the silence?
desperate to know you’re a despicable unlovable thing?
but didn’t God sit down with the most unclean?
im either randomly saving cockroaches from my wrath
or yelling at them to get out of my house while scaring the shit out of them and laughing about it
it’s a confusing time
i kicked out all the spiders, the plants are all dead, the fucking mold is like a plague, and finally, certain dog species will be going extinct, australia wants to eradicate wild cats, and i have been blogging about how cats and dogs were designed in an asian lab some 6000 years ago
and the great wall of deceit, the great pyramid scheme, can be traced back to China
6th mass extinction – China blame
first Bible – near China
cats and dogs – china
imperialism – china
and too many white boys with money in bed with CHINA
we’re moving over uncharted territory the same ole story they will say is new with a map or two said sky was green know a different thing they’re bringing out candy and guns feels like a witch hunt but i misread a room smiling when there’s gloom not good at pretense focus on lament
(cuz absolutely would propose or ask if anyone was available in the unit)
(if he responds “i am married” then that does not mean “no” but that he would have taken me to coffee and the courthouse asap to make things official and whatnot…
it’s the dead canary we are lost in war seeking sanctuary looking for one door behind a mercenary bones laid for decor soul too low to carry no hope no more the whole world he’ll bury
grave and shovel / the earth is fertile (bonus poem)
i love you more than all the heavens combined we move like the wind but hell won’t change my mind like crossing roads we’re entwined? entanglement? weren’t you heaven sent?
no idea was ever my own. and even when it was, my adopted stepfather didn’t hesitate to let me know at age ten “that idea was already done”
“…but it came in a dream”
“…it wasn’t TV”
i dunno. he died with me mad. wonder why?
i have pet peeves too. if a product requires a special tool or the Incredible Hulk to open it, just so I can have a wee taste of avocado, I just ain’t buying your product again.
if bread contains more than 3 ingredients, it is junk. don’t feed it to the birds or fish, unless you want them to become sterile!?!
i mean, i know you support nihilism, until you see the poor eagles struggling in the cold you created, “it’s nature” “don’t interfere” until you do and tag them, change their dna, and make things worse.
but when i saw the crows come, and the cries of the mama, i knew.
i had a gut feeling them eggs weren’t gonna hatch
cuz i watched how they handled the last batch not hatching
she laid on them eggs 96 hours straight during a snowstorm and i can’t even take the trash out in the 60 degree cold rain
but i watch the blood running from me in the toilet and shower
the bloody pads
and i don’t have a man trying to make my eggs fertile or my life comfortable
and im also running out of time
even tho they labeled me obsolete at 29birth
over 1 million “middle aged women” in china are depressed and suicidal – cuz the followed and supported the “one child law” and they lost their only child during the pandemic – and so 1 million men divorced and got with younger women to “try again”.
and these monsters operate the entire world
“made in china” just like my depression
but i got friends there you know?
friends behind a great wall
a wall that is being dismantled and sold on the black market to build houses
their own people are tearing down the wall illegally and building homes with the bricks and im here for it
im here to watch the wall fall
yeah?
maybe my friends need help but cannot say
33% of the population but 100% of the crime (not the Chinese)
men out there posting tiktok’s “men’s mental health matters” and im getting blocked for commenting “i like watching them drive off the pier ngl”
i finally found something i like watching and doing
i can’t wait to let the therapist know i slowed the frame down and watched for hours –
i can’t get any tv show or movie to get my attention
i thought i developed add
but i had no trouble watching a real life event – that included no sensitive content warning – and the AI didn’t mind me spending hours watching someone kill themselves
so i indulged
on repeat
with frame slowed
no volume
no ad interruptions
my brain lit up like a firework i had so many questions
but zero empathy
it is okay for them to attack me and call me a “manhater” and all sorts of “you need help” but i ain’t allowed to say “men are monsters”
but men can and do and will blame WOMEN for everything
bye boy bye
p.s. everything is like a bag of chips now, full of air.
2024 i leave everyone on read (the insomnia coach says i need to see a provider) (and there is an upcoming appointment cuz God needs me to see him again!?!) (is it him!?!) (what sort of Romeo/Joolie delusional fantasy have i found myself in exactly)
no one is – nor has – nor potentially ever – will do anything inappropriate (hence la la land)
but you know if looks could kill
looks can also have a “slow the atoms down in the room and shoot to heaven” vibe too
i mean, i don’t know how to read a room (or computer screen)
but he imprinted on me and apparently i have lost many months and/or years dreaming about him
would’ve been nice if we could’ve met on a conference call, or in any other way than me over here on the other side
nearly wearing a fucking straightjacket
welp
help. still in hell. *sadface*
i’m not in / this isn’t happening
SAME
p.s. i have been trying to write a letter to myself of “what I would say to myself if I could call myself and speak to myself for one minute”
like your future self could call your past self from a decade ago (that is ten years right)
i tried to put it in a poem
it isn’t going very well
don’t hang up it’s me i’m dying find a tree and hang freely
does he hold me hostage in his mind? is that why i cannot escape his presence in my living dream? he has touched me in places i have never seen majestic sunrises with his hands wrapped around my thighs he turns my low to highs
the devil lives three doors down i got his number unholy ghost in town and i still can’t slumber
is that you shining light in my path
just a crush? you spin the earth like heaven i can feel the rush but time ain’t changing near you my cheeks turn rosy got a royal flush?
you must be the warmest place in the solar system you must be a taste of the life i am missing i walk around a zombie hissing but in my dreams we’re kissing
his words fall on me, so heavily, i cracked my bones on the pavement and now there’s worry and little pieces of flesh lying dimensional to his regret
if i put up a sign “all is well” he will leave graffiti in places my heart should be
i sometimes awaken and wonder if my dreams were tucked away in his journal hidden, locked behind a key of code, with my image used as his anti-phishing security measure, as even i seem locked out of my own reality, at times
i am lost and he is the great gatekeeper of my maps and journeys
sometimes my voice bounces off his walls and forms new hells
i watch people gather in his mirrors conducting praise, they don’t see his ghostly shadow stalking
i wonder if they can see the moon? harvesting the cold fury solitude?
perhaps we all have sins to account for
the way i tiptoe over life, looking back at the god awful mistakes i have made
packing up accountability, until it collapses in on itself, forming a blackhole
and there in the center, you will find us.
that’s the only goTdamn place we can meet in the whole galaxy.
it’s no wonder i’ve grown accustomed to jumping into the deepest, darkest holes
we knew each other in a different time and place – in this one – his hand it came with grace
photo stolen from the web – from someone who stole it from the web – from someone who stole it from the web… so i dunno who took it – but dead folks things for sale !
i hope you hate the environment i created and it crushes you under the giant sun i hope you rot long into the hours curled in snot
i forget a lot the way love fades with the dying i practice afterthought of ways i want to hurt you i’ll be gone before the shot is ever heard by you keep looking in your blind spot i hope you lay awake at night haunted like maggots feasting on regret blood stains on the carpet
lying dead a tub with golden faucet but oh how the news can spread
and i’ll be there wearing smiles on my threads
in a circle where no one stands reciting dearly departed near abandoned homes cleaner than my house
i hope you doubt lose hair from all the worry
i pray out loud toes dug in the earth he ain’t got worth head towards clouds
with moon glowing from curse i hope it hurts your bones, your soul and all of the works
like mountains forming sharp edges ice forming from its ledges but you are burning in the hearth
for all eternal ages regret spinning back and forth a quasar or iron fucking cages
we’re seven inches from heaven but crawling closer to meaningless which way to go then which door to open but leave it on floor all your hope when you walk in i wonder why we haven’t spoken walk around the boat when it’s clearly overflowing but i won’t stick around to watch you jumping
i don’t know how to make a good blog post. i don’t know how to get any additional pages to ‘appear’. and I’m sure I’m being punished for trying to figure shit out and openly talk about it but wordpress’s solution or “the happiness engineers” is to pay them $500 to build me a blog but I’ll need to upgrade to a business plan m’kay
i know you’re there i can feel your shadow watching i’m always awake my finger is a kill switch my divine purpose maybe i’m not a soldier yet until i get my finger wet wrapped around your dying neck i don’t give a heck
Memento mori Placed on shelf A little worry For no one else
Lake of Fire future resident? A personal present? For the ones I love best?
The interstellar texting fees must be astronomical But still you reach out like fading galaxies Or maybe you just want to collide into me Yet always demanding the direction I take While lingering in the fantasy of my wake
Why won’t you follow To the cold mines Become trapped Bleeding bloodlines Holycrap
(RIP JJ)
Can’t wait to get to the range and see how the ticker does with a 9mm
A half would be nice but give me a full
A full arsenal of firearms, ammunition, explosives, knives, pepper spray & so on
And I’m like babes, get rid of the batteries. And don’t make the house explode.
Does the Devil know tho, I’m coming for his head? It don’t require guns.
They don’t know how long an eternity is.
Cox and his Clocks ⏰ – I mean cocks
It’s like Inception, we’re all living lives inside of lives inside of lives
I don’t relate to 40% of the population
In any manner
At all
(Maybe more like 95%)
40 because statistically they’ve never known struggle
I was like WHY DID THEY STEAL MY RETIREMENT and instead of leaping from the bridge here (that a judge said I looked like I wanted to jump from), I researched my apathy
You know it occurred to me that I’m 1000% a warrior
They changed the uniforms so many times, I couldn’t recognize myself anyway
Bring back the old Army greens
They gentrified
🙄
Does the Devil know?
Jim Caviezel said you have to bite off the snakes head
He said they were after him
The guy that got bricks in his pockets tho? London I think 🤔
Didn’t pay a $250k loan
(We now have an undercover cop living here cuz it’s so safe)
Oh thanks for that. I’d be so grateful if I knew how to edit/fix my blog. Without having to spend $500 minimum to start over with a new blog.
But I’m glad you’re still here.
Sometimes I feel I lost my touch, that I won’t get back what I had before.
And I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose.
And how Bruce Willis (an actor if you don’t know) “recognized his entire family today” because we can’t take our memories with us when we die.
And I’m fighting so hard to hang on to a life that in two year, perhaps, I won’t remember the war I fought in.
I won’t remember we’re in a 6th mass extinction – and white people are being systematically exterminated.
I’m in the center of society watching its own extinction.
I woke up crying bleeding between my legs and poetry piling on the tongue.
And this little poem was born.
They say focus on what makes you happy (as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else).
Writing makes me happy. Or content.
Even if the context is more volcanic.
I quit therapy. Maybe I’ll discuss in another thread.
Maybe I should pay the happiness engineers $500 to have AI build me a website but didn’t we once buy software for $50 to do that? Furthermore, they want a business plan to run it???
Cuz simply upgrading to “no ads” and “use my own domain” so my readers can visit worryfree isn’t enough, on the personal plan I can’t hire WordPress to use AI to create me a website nor am I allowed to “chat support”. That’s a different paid plan. 👎👎
They can’t even fix my current issue and I sent screenshots.
They absolutely could fix it, with the flip of a switch.
Like breathing to them.
THEY’RE GONNA BURN IN HELL.
Went through everything I owned. Took inventory. Still have stuff sprawled out. Need organizers and hangers. And some other minor things.
But now I get to fixate on something else now.
The closet is full. As planned.
And the pantry, fridge, and freezer.
I’m quarantining for a long while – no family get together for me this season. I have offered to mail out cards tho.
Postscript: I broke down and renewed my medical card. Instant approval. Ordered my goods online, they called immediately letting me know my script was expired. I have an appointment in the morning with the good doc and she said, “okay, will go ahead and fill it”
Haven’t smoked since May and come tomorrow I’m gonna be on the moon.
They had cartridges for $18. *sigh*
I thought it would takes weeks or more before I could smoke again.
Nope. Less than 24 hours. 🎃
Maybe I’ll start writing again and going to the beach.
I hate blocks. I hate WordPress. I can’t sort out the about me page no matter what I do. Even though I pay for a plan, I’m not privy to chat support cuz it’s a personal plan.
I hate how I treated you.
Even though I wasn’t in control of myself.
I just started group therapy once a week for six months and others in group say “like” and “uhm” every other word. I’m not exaggerating.
They have zero self-awareness and the conversation makes me wanna end all existence.
People do this on social media too and I wanna jump from a bridge.
It’s so hard to engage or have compassion when all I hear is terrible speech patterns.
Helps.
You’re like a little piece of string in a dark cave I can’t let go of.
Would you write my obituary? And lay to rest all the sins I carry? For to sadness I am married And our love it should be buried
They come They go It’s my fault though Status too low Weep like willow
You’re always on the run Never stop running You’re never having fun Complain the sun is sunning
I’ve never had anything, and now I’ve got too much. And I could lose it anytime, that’s always been my luck.
I’m sorry but I’m not I said what I thought Feelings come and go Sometimes I take a shot No matter lesson told I say it on the spot You know I can be cold
People already think so lowly of me, I can’t get anymore low.
But it’s easy to judge when your grass is always green.
I’ve been on this earth unmarried for eons, it’s literally hell.
I like being naughty sometimes but I never was that naughty.
We’re literally born nude and we can’t take our clothing to heaven.
I miss doing spicy photography.
I don’t know what to tell you
I just wish I was already moved.
But I’m holding out for land instead of spending uppers of $6k to jump apartment’s.
I am overdue a new environment.
It’s hard to be inspired and motivated in a place I can’t stand.
I’ve only ever posted nude photos, never compromised myself by doing anything other than photography. Though many requests came in with $$$ offerings and I ran folks off.
I have some very cute outfits and have been working out despite growing old.
95% of my household items are gone. Either sold, donated or dumped.
Things are in boxes minus my closet.
I still sleep on the floor.
So think what you will of me, but I miss my tribe.
My accounts were active and I had a lot of traffic.
Now everything is stagnant.
I’m tired of stagnation.
I don’t see anything wrong with nude art.
It teaches me how to be a woman, something man has failed at doing.
But they gave me my username back, and that makes me feel better. 😘
I’m terrible with secrets.
I don’t know where I’m going, I just know I don’t want to be here.
I’m barely holding on in breath or words The spaces where we fell I’m never sure Apologies are song in flight that carry with the birds And longing comes on full moon where the clouds they will obscure
Like all of the dirt was swept under the rug And tongue twisted lies were a shadow of smug For the pressure of meaning was soft like a quilt But the weight of the wrong was as heavy as guilt
And we speak in code like our lives are a riddle But the circle of destiny is not in the middle And try as we might the cross has been hung But only regret can measure our tongue
Please pick up a feather and write me a letter Please open your eyes and bring us sunrise Please do right a wrong and don’t take very long Please deliver fall and give me a call
So this guy turned 12 on Saturday. Mostly a good boy. He hates the neighborhood and I don’t blame him one bit. There’s nothing to like. We wanna move. He’s trying to make it to 13. And despite the ups and downs, I didn’t give up on him. Tribulations.
I contacted my mom on my birthday. She was happy to hear from me. She said she loved me but I never said it back.
Just wanted her to know I made it to 45.
She also kept bringing up my sister who died and I also never responded about her.
She wants to see me so I might be getting a visitor this year.
Maybe.
P.S. I’m obsessed with Pinko blazers and clothing and getting a new wardrobe. Never wore a blazer in my life and now I got a weeks worth. Even got a Beetlejuice looking one. Cuz.
I may or may not share my new wardrobe at some point. Doing it for me and no one else. Not dressing for views. But it kills the blues (shopping).
People want me posting more but it’s so much work and I can’t break 300 views.
I think I’m just exhausted in all areas of life and would rather sit outside. It’s hard for me to connect.
I’m literally dead inside.
No empathy, no sympathy.
Pissed off at the world.
Just talk to God mostly. Cry. Pray. Regret. And then practice gratitude.
I am grateful for my closet.
For owning clothing I wanna wear.
But I don’t wanna go anywhere.
Time to just be dressy cuz.
“What’s the occasion?”
“We’re in hell and I’m alive….”
Can’t take nothing with me to heaven.
Would be 10x happier if I moved somewhere the mold wasn’t killing me.
There’s something in my life that I’m still lacking And during full moon hear the devil laughing But maybe it’s just sorrow Weeping louder than tomorrow Still I cannot grasp the destiny I’m mapping
But maybe that’s the fallacy of trying I know that failures never gratifying You fall from roof Then chip a tooth And laughter sounds the same as bitter crying
PoeEternal 