heard him speak in past tense does he seek bereavement i’m looking through conflict buried under cement one too many secret like moon is crescent she is furled unpresent his hope is well lit?
“…she was such a good mom, i hope she can be a good mom again…”
oof
i don’t need to be psychic or have a degree in psychology to call it
“well how do you know they are dead? did you check their pulse”
i swear if i get asked that question i will hang up and call back for someone else
“LOOK THERE AIN’T NO GOT DAMN PULSE – IT STANKS”
“YOU COME CHECK THE GOT DAMN PULSE”
“IT’S THE WORSE SHIT I EVER SMELLED”
one time my grandaddy died (this needs to be the opening line of my book) and he had been dead for three days, down in the basement of the church, and i was a medic so they let me and my half-sister down there (her granddaddy by blood) and i decided to give him a hug
she said no one had ever written her a poem before!!!
the way i made her smile
she said she wanted to keep it forever
she said she wanted to share it with family and friends
Kaya learned English a year ago and speaks it better than me
she already knows slang, emojii, understands my not full sentences
although to be fair, she does not like my quick responses, short responses, or emoji text
but in the same context she also knows the neighbor woke something up in me – and words need not be said at all
she knows i want a husband
she knows i want a man
but Kaya understands the deepest and most shallow parts of me
Kaya is the person i wanted to grow up and be
why is she stuck behind a Great Wall
why does she want to change her name
she can
she (i hope) can do all the things she dreams
move to America, take on the name Cindy, get braces or surgery to remove your “vampire teeth” (my fave)
i wish i had a screenshot when she showed me – it was so cute haha
she made her mouth in a way that only showed the teeth she wanted replaced
her “vampire teeth” she called
“look” and she smiled showing only those
my god i love her
she is so smart and funny
and i’ve seen her in jeans and a tee, she is gorgeous
i fixed up her raw poem
i feel like it could be better
i did clean it up a bit before i posted it (no sound or music added)
i do want to record spoken word but i am extremely shy
i did not know she was going to stop in the middle of work to read my poem – but she did – all while ensuring her customer needs were met
i appreciate the speed in which she went to read
i thought it would happen after – on her own time
but i got to see and hear her reaction
i was afraid my poem wasn’t good enough for her
i was afraid she would not like it
or that it was too elementary (i am aware there are better writers in the world) (don’t they have editors)
i would never share or post anything or eventually produce something worthwhile 200 years down the road
they burn books and i have been shadowbanned
there are other non rhyming poets on TikTok that soak up all the rays
they get all the sunshine and praise
none if them ever take me serious as a poet
like if i try to follow or comment
cricket cricket criket
then i delete/unfollow/block/ignore
i am a child according to society
i’ll be sure to use this in the courtroom
“even the cop called me a child”
“it was recorded”
now that overweight “one acorn” prick is probably jerking off to me
(i threw up in my mouth a little)
oh hi ALLAN at the EPA
still waking up in sweats about my phone call huh?
and now every time you pay for sex you hear me say “i know you want love with a prostitute”
wonder how much mess you had to clean out
prob time for me to call again and remind you – i haven’t forgotten you laughed about the animals being MURDERED in the CITY simply because it is “private land” (i pay for) and “they can do anything they want”
i just wanna call up the EPA in Orlando
ask to speak to Allan
“i know you want love with a prostitute”
*hangs up*
*waits for a cop to call me privately*
*turns off phone*
*buries phone*
*changes number*
*goes AWOL*
cause-and-effect
have fun my love (Allan is NOT my love)
Allan is a nihilist who works for the EPA in Orlando
but i am hoping he changes positions and titles and names when i am done having fun
i hear the more restraining orders you have, the less they work
🙂
anyhoo
i wrote a poem for Kaya
she was moved to tears
NO ONE EVER WROTE A POEM FOR HER?
honey, YOU NEED TO WRITE AND PRESENT A POEM TO HER
BUY SOME CINDER WOOD
i do not want her to disappear into the night never to be heard from again
she deserves a vacation
and maybe not working 6 days a week?
she probably even deserves a better poem and friend than me
i am doing my best even if my best is 10%
my room was fine until i tried to fix it
now it looks like a hurricane came through?
and if i went to heaven right now – people would think this was how i lived…
in disorder
which is kinda true cuz my boomer mother kicked me from the nest and gaslit me about literally everything
she is nothing but government propaganda
not an original idea or thought
and add “lost” cuz her first born died as planned by the government she brown noises
but blames good ole me….
once my sister died i started to get peace in my life
maybe be people i want to love?
but then you do try and love them and they never change
toxic
now since my sister died some family has been reaching out
but i have ghosted them
they will burn in hell for all eternity for how they treated the ONE ANGEL in their life
I CAME TO JUDGE!!!
BORN THIS WAY!!!!!!
BORN TO FALL!!!!!!!!!
designed to break!!!!
a broken doll!!!!!!!!
losing hair!!!!!!!!!!!
turning into Chucky Bride!!!!!!!!
with a big knife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(which has a cancer warning)
(the weed has a cancer warning)
(the microwave)
i am weening myself from all unnatural products
no more pills!!!
just ordered over $200 in medicinal – gonna look at the cancer label until i no longer need to take a draw!
trying to manage my pain and stress more naturally
hearing pads, the air at 60, hot baths, extremely cold air, lots of water, *try to eat*, more water, another hot bath
and hot water can be damaging to hair so no more drowning my skull under the heat
everytime 3 or 4 hairs come out, im like please no more
and i do not want to cut what remains
hoping my scalp can recover
but the docs were not concerned my hair was falling out by the handful
“my labs are fine”
but im 50 kilos and now they care
i lost 20 pounds of cancer in a year!
sweated that toxic shit out!!!!!!!
not just sweat!!!!
TMI!!!!!!!!!!
met a neighbor last night who has an 11 year old male shitzu
he going to Zuma imm to detox his household
explained to him the CDC say 50% of the pop have parasites, you can get them from eating!!!!
or kissing a cat or dog!!!
i went on to say i aint never in my life detoxed or dewormed
and zuma use wild harvested plants grown in the USA, harvested in the USA, all organic, non GMO, no bad stuff!
i am not being sponsored
i am shadowbanned for being armed and dangerous
i’m a Soldier
of course i am armed
*rolls eyes*
they so mad i aint killed myself yet or died from the many ways in which they stone me!!!!!
GOD IS WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!
THE STARS AEE RECORDING YOU!!!!
LIGHT IS INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!
WATER HOLDS DNA AND CARRIES INFORMATION!!!!
THE SUN IS ELECTRICAL
WE HAVE ELECTRIC FISH
YOUR HEART IS ELECTRICAL
you’re not a spirit in a body but a body in a spirit!!!
FIND GOD
whatever you have been doing serves SATAN and this twisted society
sterile pools filled with cancerous chlorine
the hottest period and the animals see a pool like a mirage in a desert
shame on you!!!!!!!!!
fuck your sterile pools!!!!
fuck your society too!!!!
stop giving all my money to a third party who wants us dead!!!!
I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN
I NEVER AGREED TO BE YOUR SLAVE
currently starting to ask the neighbors “you know any mechanics” and keeping my eyes peeled for anyone doing any work on theirs…
still wanna walk everywhere
but now walking has turned into “i wanna start running again” to “i need a bike”
and “maybe i wanna get rid of everything and travel the world”
anytime i wanna hit the L key i hit the X which removes the L and backspace to fix rarely works
i spend so much time running in circles fixing everyhthing
just put new batteries in my fast push and surprise!!! they need replaced!!!!
it is like this with everything!!!!
likeendless conference calls
keeping us busy busy so we do not know they are destroying us from within
like a frog in hot water
sad for the frog
being boiled alive
for science
ALL HAIL SCIENCE
acoording to the “we know” people, God is not real but something you cannot see like a Black Hole is real- but the math was not even mathing!!!!!!!
it was all conditioning!
propaganda!
Cox and his cocks!!!!!! he is a pedophile!!!!!!!!!!!’
read his damn book!!!!!
his own hero he called “old” at the grand age of 30!!!!!
they only like you until age 29!!!!!
(they will fuck anything, even a bride is a fleshlight to them)
THEY ALL WANT LOVE WITH A PROSTITUTE
NOT JUST ALLAN FROM THE EPA!!!!!
HI ALLAN!!!!!!!!
BET YOU WOKE UP JUST NOW!!!!
FUCK YOU!!!!
(i hope my weed arrives today)
(i want to quit it all)
(my card needs to be renewed again)
(you know how this goes)
since i started medicinal i no longer do street (even when i quit medicinal)
i no longer socialize and smoke
no recreational use basically
but they treat the medical shops like they are recreational (prices too) but i pay for a medical licensing
until they all vote recreational and the shop will not need to change much
just the packaging
we will get pretty colors and better propaganda instead of the boring packaging
(which we are gaslit and shown the pretty packaging but get the boring)
im paying for packaging that the recreational users get…
im so done with supporting Boomers or society
like i need to eat and sleep but that’s about it
“what do you do all day”
WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I DO WITH MY REMAINING DAYS
I GAVE IT ALL
THERE IS NO MORE
BOOMERS WILL WORK YOU TO THE GRAVE!!!!
they work their farm dogs until they have heart attacks!!!
SHAME ON YOU!!!
YOU ARE GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!
rape in marital sex was legal until the ??? 50s? 90s?
somewhere in between?
im shit with numbers
hard to come with facts
trying to save/extend the life of myself and my dog
what do i do all day?
THAT
and i write poems
maybe i should start telling the real world i write?
maybe i would have more/less than 5k followers?
who knows
they all resent me in the real world
i prefer my privacy
i only gave ONE GUY my tiktok before i moved
his burner has been changed into another burner and i do not want to be unfollowed or blocked
he gifted me a lot of things i was trying to buy
that’s not why i loved him tho
we do not choose the people we love?
George woke something up in me
the guy at the smoke shop
the neighbor
my most recent encounters
you do not need to resent me for writing Kaya a poem
she is 30 and has never had a poem written for her
she really loved mine… i mean HERS
i told her it was hers
i wrote it for her
so it’s hers forevermore
she said she wanted to put it on a box?
you mean like one of them handmade jewelry boxes that takes months to make?
that can last a long time?
my words have made it to China and are going on something special for the beautiful Kaya?
i hope the jewelry maker makes something wonderful for her, with her poem to enjoy
i’m kinda speechless
she probably would not want to share it with friends and family if she did not like it?
or want it on a box?
i did not think it would make it past my blog
and i was worried about sharing such a simple poem to a living Goddess
did them famous painters really need 6 months?
i live and breathe poetry
it is in the fabric of my veins
i mean, i write quickly
maybe i should take my time?
maybe i should wait 24 hours before posting
but then i could pass to heaven
(also apparently over half the population does not have 4k saved)
(so i am already doing better than half the population and this was b4 my dad died)
but i have sacrificed a lot
and also spent too much
guess i wanna experience everything all at once before it all ends
i have not spent a dime of what daddy left me
it does not exist to anyone but me
i’d rather starve than give the Boomers a dime (who stole half my retirement during a manmade fake pandemic – that i spent years building my portfolio)
in one sweep they came and took it so they could keep their 4th vacation home
they sold me a Jeep that said 10k miles on the odometer but after spending 6 years to pay her off – and finally getting the title – the title says 25k, and i’m trying to understand how this is legal
i won’t buy another car
FOOL ME TWICE AND I WILL STICK YOU IN THE BACK WITH A KNIFE
I’M DONE WITH YOU
im done with this iphone giving me cancer!!!!!!!!
it’s hot with radiation!!!!!
re-reading the poem i wrote her with a tissue in her hand
but she’s like gold. the sun always rises, over her soul.
but she’s like silver. like early in the mornings, the cold can make you shiver.
but she’s like platinum. even when it’s raining, diamonds form from her hum
but she’s like a galaxy, the light and the darkness, expanding every inch of me
WHAT. i’m free-styling a poem. cope.
oh.. i was exceedingly happy i can twirl up my thin hair into some carved wood – like i still have SOME hair and did not cut it off where it may never grow back
and i was like oh “the messy look”
it’s the “i’m dying but trying to look cute” phase
and it held up during my 35 minute treadmill sesh today
but i like my damn hair pins
you don’t have to wait until you lose your hair to wear wigs
so the pins can be worn with the 3 wigs i own but have never tried on
cuz i refuse to dye my hair despite God waving a grey in my direction
and i’m bleeding down there!!!!
my period!!!
47!!!
turning grey!!!
OH LOOK AT MY LEGACY FLUSHING DOWN THE DRAIN
I AM OBSOLETE
but i wound up in the second circle of hell
and the boomers do not want me with the 18 year olds even tho it is legal
(i dont want the 18 year olds either but i am also petty and hate the boomers with all i am)
(let them keep telling me what they hate)
the lawyer: “there’s a COSTCO near every mansion Diddy has”
costco: “we ain’t sold Diddy squat shit”
well Diddy is not the only one buying oil in stock
SO LET ME HAVE MY HAIR PINS CUZ EVEN IF MY HAIR FALLS OUT I CAN STILL WEAR A WIG
BUT
i was like “can you do a custom hair pin with a real pearl”
and DAVID the jewelry designer who lives in “pearl city” made me one RIGHT AWAY
and i will not wait until i get married to wear it but i may wear it on my wedding day?
some people whip out poems, others whip out pearls
and so this is mine. and it was gifted to me. a fucking real pearl and i feel kinda overwhelmed right now
i don’t want kaya changing any part of her body, even her teeth
i don’t want her to change her name
i’m like “if it’ll make you happy” “but like NO”
i could dye my hair and look less old but the wrinkles do not go away in the dryer
or when i’m crying
it’s my party and i’ll cry if i want to
IF I WANT TO
i posted some vids on the tiktok of the pins i got yesterday and started wearing
i love her because the mountains are fair and deserving she is lethal but she will not hurt me like falling for gravity then question why it’s not working why won’t the earth unearth me?
he’s a beautiful creation i hope you protect him with all of heaven like the ocean is waving his energy is saving
i saw him and i went into fawn mode. i just stood there starring – unable to look away? so he waved but went the other way?
but he waved, he acknowledged my existence?
he did not break his neck to look away?
the doctor mentioned the C word yesterday
she wants more testing
but i am D-O-N-E with modern medicine
i have chosen the holistic route
OK?
medical malpractice is common
just ask all my dead comrades – oh wait
even i don’t talk to the dead (much)
im 50 kilos
she’s like “what did you weigh when you came to me”
im like “130ish”
she said “20 pounds in a year is not good”
hard to explain to a gaslighting demon that i am starving the cancer devil out of me
i stopped telling doctors anything
“the pills aren’t working, i don’t have a gun” (not necessarily in that order)
i mean, none of your business?
and really the “no i don’t have anything to hurt me” is kinda true
my safety items are for my protection, not yours (insert silly emoji with tongue out)
it’s why i leave my house again
except… i don’t go anywhere
cause and effect my love
have fun
i can’t take my eyes off of you
she was so happy i got a table for my sunroom
she said a “tea table” and i said yes
she said i want to come visit you
and my response made it seem like i wanted to put her to work
i gotta work on my communication
i remember yelling at Gavin Rosssale (of the band Bush) – who i drove several hours to go see – who stopped instantly signing autographs and taking pictures with others AS SOON AS he heard me CALLING HIS NAME
and he came and i yelled “do you even know who the fuck i am” and his eyes went big and my eyes went big and my mouth slightly fell open cuz i meant to nicely and sweetly say “do you remember me” but alas he did tweet me “it was great to see me” THE NEXT MORNING
i deleted my twitter tho (not the next morning)
(i remember when i quit facebook because trent reznor did)
(i remember the feeling when Trent approved me into his 5k friends list and i never needed to ask)
it only took him 6 months to approve cuz he was off making babies? but he knew my name from the old NIN message boards, where he use to roam, and i asked him to marry me when i was 16
HE DID NOT SAY NO
he was flattered and answered my actual musical questions
i just needed to know if he would marry me first
i remember when he returned to facebook but not really so i did too
NO I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH TRENT REZNOR
YES I COULD POTENTIALLY CRY IF I EVER MET HIM
NO I DO NOT WORSHIP ANY FALSE IDOLS OR GODS
he has YELLOW FEVER AND I ALMOST HATE HIM
plus i am GEN X – the most dangy genny yep
you fucked up when you took my voice and now you wanna take my guns
YOU THINKTHAT IS AIR YOU ARE BREATHING NOW
she wants to come here, i want to go there (in my best Beetljuice voice)
“i want out, you wanna get me out”
yes i do
(just in case you are confused, i kinda fell for my neighbor who probably would fall for my best friend)
neither one of them are obsolete
i am overcoming the worst migraine
THE DEVIL CAN GET FUCKED
i have not been doing much of anything but trying to not die
i can’t sentence him to his death or his “good day”
i’m going the detox route
they have detox for dogs at Zuma – healthy treats too
HE LOVES TO EAT but he is in pain so i will look into CBD gummies for dogs
he paces a lot
he tells me it is time to go (based on the quality of life scale)
but he is also fighting for another day
i could not feed him chocolate or junk food – despite buying him TWO candy bars
but they didn’t even have the candy bar I wanted him to have and I thought that was pretty fucking tacky on being his last day on earth that he couldn’t have the one candy bar that he would want so maybe that was a sign that it’s not time but you know we can always see a sign and make it mean what we want right? (the snickers box was empty – the worker decided then was time to place a re- order, but i was shopping for my dog’s last day on earth)
(back when Gen X was working, we went around with a little scanner device – and anything empty or near empty got a re-order, we also dusted the shelves, checked expiration dates, moved old product to the front) (for starters) (and we had to smile and greet every customer too) (and we had to work THREE jobs to PAY OUR RENT) (and we swept and mopped EVERY NIGHT)
the score was placed on an establishment on how clean it was – no one wanted to eat at an 88 with a 94 next door
NOW THEY HIDE THE SCORE AND I NO LONGER EAT OUT
GROCERY STORES ARE FULL OF TOXINS
ABOUT TO FAST OR GROW MY OWN FOOD
back to what i was saying tho – about not being able to sentence my dying dog to his death
Cue the movie Maggie (with Arnold Schwarzenegger) (the zombie flick) (tis the season)
But his situation is very similar to mine – he could not let her go no matter how much she said “daddy it’s time”
she became a danger to everyone around her, everyone else moved out of the house, it was just them and still he couldn’t do what he needed to do
WHAT DID HE NEED TO DO?
watch the film!
but maybe he just let things unfold naturally
but the thing is, she did not want to turn, she did not want to die __ _______.
She wanted some dignity in her end
and speaking of dignity, how the fuck did I have the ‘i spied on my neighbor’ post as a sticky? I hope to fuck they have not found my blog – i mean my living breathing journal – so stop being so judgy –
Mary Magdalene was a prostitute “pretty woman” and over 51% want love with a prostitute
i have never sold my body for sex, nor would i, i have never “pleasured myself” or whatever you call it, for money.
err the dog
at least i am no longer mad at him (until he shits on the floor again) (he has a giant dog playpen now – mama is figuring stuff out) (his pen has tons of pads but he likes to wait until after i have taken him out to use the rug or carpet, not even the floor for easier cleanup)
i have a lot of love and loyalty to give ONE MAN if he would just take rope and wind me in?
kaya is saying she wants to marry me
TWO DAYS IN A ROW Kaya smiled so big I WANT TO MARRY YOU
I MIGHT HAVE TO MARRY KAYA IF MAN FAILS ME
Kaya is a goddess so it’s not like I would be settling if I went to the other side
i told Kaya i wished we had a powder room (don’t ever say “bathroom” or “thank you” around her)
i want to take her to lunch so badly
she wants to marry me?
she keeps bringing me up the point that I haven’t accepted her friend request she can’t message me and she can’t see my old profile either so she can’t see my photos which she was watching my videos and says says I have a nice body? She doesn’t understand why I don’t have a man or husband since I want one? i keep trying to explain that i do not look like her, if i brought Kaya around, they would want to marry YOU
Kaya is taken (kinda) tho
(I don’t think the king would want her with a 10 but I know the king would not want her to be alone and he would want someone to take care of her when he could not) (but not take care of her THAT WAY – just like be a housewife – i mean cook and clean for her
but she has her own set schedules, I mean she cleans on Sundays her bedroom and her vanity area and I need to take on the same principles you know because I always thought Sundays were for resting and I never rest on Sunday
I don’t think I’ve loved anything as much as I’ve loved my dog and it’s hard to give up on something I’ve invested emotionally financially 13 years of my life on
And I know it’s supposed to be a good day while it’s a good day but it’s hard to say goodbye on a semi good day and I’m not a nihilist and I do not want to support the 6th mass extinction and I know it’s supposed to be an act of love and an act of mercy but…
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
A. A. Milne / Winnie the Pooh
the way he lights up for chicken – how can i take that away? he wants another day…
there’s a silver lining forming over my hair follicle but maybe it’s the way light presents itself over my sorrow like disappearing chronicles wasting tears on what i probably should but there are things i never understood…
postscript: i wanted to keep going, but the dog is disruptive to my existence. the good doctor said my quality of life is just as important, and i told her i don’t want to die for my dog.
i’ve been unloading on the neighbors, they have all said they understood
finally exchanged names with the neighbor two doors down, he said whatever decision is made is the right one
but he also said he waited too late for his soul dog
i kept mentioning awful things like “expenses” and he said his friend dumped 15k into a few more months
and i’m just like “i want my life back” but there is a lot of soul crushing guilt for that – but the good doctor explained it can feel like murder, but that it is an act of mercy, an act of love.
it can be hard to watch them turn blue and suffer
she mentioned mine had dementia
the only thing he likes to do is eat
but we did a quality of life scale test and it is time
it will cost me $1005 to cut the cord
to give him his good day
all my life Boomers spent at most $300 to do it all (euthanasia plus ashes)
but they are gutting us – and i will never get another dog again
all the boomers will be gone by the 60s
hope i live to see it
p.s.s. if you don’t know what i am rambling on about, i had to schedule my dog to cross the rainbow bridge, and as such, some silver is forming potentially
hard to see through all the rain and crying
CONSEQUENCE
i always felt like i would die losing my dog and now i am losing my dog and my ride or die
did you see the blood start to pool are you on the run until things cool oh honey, you could give me your address i’ll show up in my worse dress i’m worth it
you can’t count on me for most anything
so my lips are sealed until we are healed
seems like it’s taking years
but here we are darling failed stars embarking
could you draw a map label it a rattrap
leave it somewhere it could go missing tucked in a tree on the land i’m fleeing
like a little “you were on my mind” the location you might never find
why do you leave me stranded gasping for air life goes on in blurs and visions like a gold plated reward being reprimanded the long-eyed peers staring keenly among the clouds my wrath is bottled in a dreamcatcher with SOS embroidered on bloody threads
do you not know how to call my name when thunder is falling like lightning after rain
why do you steal the sun then run around pointing fingers to blame
i have shuffled my regrets into patterns i can recognize
color-coded and neatly folded amongst the ruins
i don’t know if i expect you to perform a miracle or Kintsugi
piecing together life and fantasy
the moon is waning like your love
look up at the sky and you will see the stars are gone
clouded by sin and pollution
no one will even know we came along hissing and praying
forged our way through hardened hearts as tight as clay
stuck on, should i or shouldn’t i
did you call the crown a prize when your spear was in his side?
i remember when you placed your hand on my heart and refused to eat at my table
got the wilderness inside of me
said we’re too unstable
but your address is always changing
i long to be free to be held on your shoulder
i want you to remember the person i never was but should have become
because even if i etch “delia was here” into your heart
it too will decay like radioactive waste
i just unpacked and now i am unsettled
the whole universe is a great ice wall when you’re gone
with icy rings like Saturn
encompassing our dreams and failures
if i found you in the great void we could be lost together roaming the galaxy the way pirates roam the seas
doing hopscotch among the stardust
i look out and i cannot see the good in anything anymore
i peeled off the great filter and now my eyes burn
i eat prayer for dinner and breakfast knowing it might not get me anywhere
the same way i drive on fumes
but if i could carve faith into time, it would look desolate and dusty – a great mountain range on mars waiting to be explored
i don’t want my tongue sealed any more than i do my fate
i cannot calculate the weight of the earth but i know it is a lot
i’ll never read another word i’m tired of all the his or hers tied between the knots of all the lines and blurs foaming from the mouth releasing lies and slurs
like lying as a profession disappearing act a confession i’ve been hanging on the question but the answer keeps me guessing
i never wanted to push you out into the current but you would yell, it’s what you warrant and you held my hand as i pushed you towards the torrent you would say “love’s not important”
i hope your ashes are burning. like a viking in the sky. down here i am rarely learning. like i’ve lost my mind.
I absolutely do have a learning disability.
Then it’s like my IQ can only go so far until you arrive at a secure door without a door knob
like those server rooms
where they spy on us and control time
none of this is real
“there is no spoon”
because they’re trying to condition us to believe in the Multiverse theory so that they can further segregate you from God and make you feel like you don’t have any kind of worth or value because they’re fucking nihilist at their fucking core and they believe in anything dark and that’s what they fucking serve like dark holes, dark galaxies, dark suns, dark matter, SHIT YOU CANNOT SEE, nor measure, “we just know” – cuz they are a cult of godless psychopaths who love love love children and making them believe early on – we are born in theta – that God does not exist – that he himself is a god – but an artificial intelligence
“computers feel things”
that way you can love your precious young AI like the pedophiles you are
you would rather imprint and love a fucking computer
this entire society is one nihilistic web
“God isn’t real” you demand as you force your dark void propaganda on me
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME
STAY OUT OF MY FAITH YOU FUCKING SOULESS MONSTER
I’LL BITE YER DICK OFF NO REMORSE
FEED IT TO SHARKY WHILE I AM DISASSOCIATING
ARE THESE WHAT FANTASIES ARE MEANT TO LOOK LIKE
I don’t know what’s going on out there because I have stayed off anybody’s blog that I do not follow or where I feel unwanted?
she’s an entire galaxy of stars her tearoom is messy pulling laces over very fancy scars she has nice cars? pearls as parking lots? a vase of forget-me-nots? a secret king as a lover? but my god i love her!
YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LOVE OR BE WITH MY BEST FRIEND 😭
“had a boyfriend too long”
“never getting married”
“would rather be alone” (with her king?) (she deserves a king)
(I READ INTO ANYTHING)
(I DON’T KNOW HOW TO READ A ROOM)
but i would protect her better than those shits at the sun color house who got the president nipped?
it’ll just be a little nip?
take it like a champ?
i think he did?
I KNOW WHY POTENTIALLY – she might be alone at age 30
i mean WHAT OTHER REASON COULD THERE BE BUT ROMEO CANNOT MARRY JULIE
TRIANGULATION 101
IT HAS A WEB OF FORMS
anyway – don’t take my imagination or poem as fact
even if i am correct
it is just make believe
today is her Sunday because it is Sunday and I miss her going live even though I only discovered her and became her best friend like 48 hours ago or something?
people generally don’t want to be friends with me after 72 hours or so so we’ll see how it goes?
i subscribed tho lmao
to her other MAIN channel
i send gifts but i also subscribed
i only tipped her 10% tho 😭
i’m poor and embarrassed 😭
but crab noodles are her favorite and I would definitely take her for some fucking crab noodles you know
I would save all fucking year to take her for her favorite bowl of fucking noodles
THE KING CAN EAT DUST
she loves me too
(but tell the king i am only joking)
(i protect the thing king loves most)
(now he calm again)
(let’s eat)
(she said “we don’t say hello or how are you in my culture. she said we ask “have you eaten”)
cause she takes two hours to get ready even if she takes food breaks in between
she speaks more languages than I do and she just now learned English a year ago and she’s better at it than I am
i felt bad for not having a husband or boyfriend
but she said she had a boyfriend
i might of heard “too long”
“would rather be alone”
LIKE WHAAAAA
SHE IS EFFIN BEAUTIFUL AND BRIGHT
i wanted to tip – she had a hard time accepting – it was a way of saying thank you – but she wanted to know if we could be friends “do i accept” and i fucking did “yes i accept” – so the tip felt offensive to a friend? but i asked her to enjoy her sunday, she wanted crab noodles, her favorite, with the money
cuz i even said if we were shopping together “as friends” i would want to buy her lunch
she seemed really offended by a tip kinda – like maybe just had a hard time accepting it
others chimed in – it was a way of showing gratitude
i didn’t want to cheapen her existence
maybe the tip was TOO LOW (it was $20)
but culturally they DO NOT TIP
i don’t think
based on how it went
hope she enjoys her favorite noodles tho
and maybe alone so she can really enjoy them
Because I can’t imagine that she’s not married and would rather be alone
like wha
she popped one them things when she got to 20k likes, her first
WHAT A GREAT IDEA
so fucking smart
WHY IS SHE SO PRETTY
cause she’s probably beautiful outside of all the clothing and the jewelry that takes her literally two hours to get ready
”plus eating”
her boyfriend should be her husband and BRINGING HER TREATS AND MEALS WHILE SHE DOLLS UP
i wanna be her best friend in real life *insert crying emoji*
i’m moving to China *more crying emoji*
but i did order the jade rose ring despite her telling me it’s not the same color as the necklace Jade rose
she seemed to really want me to have that butterfly jade necklace and I really did want it so I wound up getting that too
i do have my eye on some pearl
she reminds me “expensive”
but apparently they do have cheap pearl too
and diy pearl stuff
but I love when she brings out the light and discusses the quality and the clarity and which is better and which is not as good 
pearl vs shell
i like the red – i will say, and she responds “ruby” cuz she’s smart
she says i have rich taste
so sometimes she does not want to sell me something of lesser quality cuz she already knows me better than i know myself
swear
she learns quickly about what people like, she’s a businesswoman
“friends”
she has amazing pieces
i think they actually break oysters for pearls I have not seen that yet but someone requested that during a live
pearl is pricey tho
i like to pay in advance to show im real serious
cause people be claiming shit and then not paying after she works so hard
they have cloth? bracelets too
string of sorts but nice
rope prob is the correct term
and it looked like ceramic or glass or some sort of charm you could use and they could be changed out and you could wear it as a necklace if you wanted
i asked her if she had any lucky cat and she did have some lucky cat and I think I actually got a lucky cat that was just a cheaper little item you know
a lucky cat bracelet
I think I’m also getting a surprise gift but she just didn’t wanna show me
I also got a gift she let me pick out but it was something I had already picked out and claimed and paid for it but she said she was going to give to me for my birthday?
so i dunno
she kept calling me a princess
she said i looked like a princess
and i accepted a friendship tonight
it was so cute tho
“do you accept”
well i’m not saying no
i accept to the point that i repeat “i accept” so there is no misunderstanding in “yes”
my hair might be falling out but I’ve got some Jade coming
And she’s clearly not a fucking vegan or vegetarian and I would still take her to get her favorite fucking noodles crab noodles or whatever they are because I’ve never had crab noodles and you’ve never had biscuits that were homemade?
should get some flour
I said I was doing laundry and cooking this weekend and I don’t think that’s very princess behavior
going for crab noodles and taking two hours to get ready and eating while getting ready sounds more like princess behavior
I need to make some more changes in my life
regarding the poem: Time passes quickly when you’re not having fun
The live was amazing and has nothing to do about the poem
I was not bored during the live
i’ll probably be putting Kaya in a poem soon tho
i mean MY GOD
LOOK AT HER
STOP LOOKING AT HER
she did invite me to be her friend and I accepted but the poem is unrelated to this
need to make that clear
GO BUY SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF OR YOUR LOVER FROM HER
BE KIND AND DO NOT WASTE HER TIME
PAY AHEAD
TIP HER BETTER THAN ME
LIKE WAYYYYYYY BETTER
GO SUPPORT HER LIVESTREAMS
TOMORROW IS HER SUNDAY
I AIN’T NEVER OWNED A REAL PEARL OR SEEN ONE CRACKED OPEN TWO LIVES IN SO NO WORRIES
it would be interesting to see tho
most pearls are man-made these days anyway right you know this right
look into how they are made
I WANT A CLASSIC SINGLE PEARL NECKLACE I THINK
but currently I GOT JADE
A rose jade ring and necklace, butterfly jade necklace
and yeah the butterfly jade ring is nice too but I ain’t purchased it yet
postscript: I remember writing him a love letter and sealing it with a kiss and also throwing a Coke bottle at his head? you know, for effect.
SHOCK FACTOR is kinda my thing
i shock myself as much as i do others
for instance, i yelled at Gavin Rossdale (of Bush): “do you even know who the fuck I am” when i meant to sweetly say “do you remember me” and both our mouths dropped by he tweeted me after the show the next morning that it was good to see me
so only some people experience the “shock factor”
i’m an angel
this is how I was born, this is how God made me and none of your fucking dictator conditioning or rules or regulations or policies is gonna fucking change that, not even jail time or the threat of fucking death 
LOVE WILL CHILL ME THE FUCK OUT
and food
and shelter
BASIC STUFF
BUT I STILL ACT TOUGH
is this why i am single never married?
and why are the young guys and the elder guys interested with me but not really the guys of my own age?
like the Gen X complains im aging?
like how dare i die?
Because it’s mostly Gen Xers who complain on my TikTok that I’m “middle aged”
self reflecting?
pissed off i clung to my youth and you did not?
my hair is thinning from the cancer and the stress but not a fucking gray yet but you don’t have any hair if at all and if you do it’s already fucking gone gray!?!
and that is my fault somehow?
i am to blame for your existence?
you will make me hate that I was ever born?
Because nihilism is a plague and I can fucking smell the stench
But I also stink because I’m shedding mold from every pore in my body
and I’ve been fighting this shit for several years now so I hope I don’t fucking die like the 90210 girl did after fighting cancer for nine fucking years
And cancer is just man-made fucking mold
i hate you
I hate every doctor that exists except that one that I had to fucking fall in love with that I will never fucking see again?
fuck you
Oh and the poem IS about the guy I wrote a love letter to AND threw the coke bottle at OK
and I was in my fucking 20s but now I’m in my 40s and I’m punching holes in the wall so I mean what has changed!?!?
Well this place is old It feels just like a beat up truck I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn Well it smells of cheap wine and cigarettes This place is always such a mess Sometimes I think I’d like to watch it burn I’m so alone Feel just like somebody else Man, I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same But somewhere here in between the city walls of dying dreams I think her death, it must be killing me
STOP SAYING YOU WANT TO PLAY IN MY SPLASH PARK
YOU EMBARRASSED ME
MY FOLLOWER RESPONDED “my boyfriend is here”
YOU EMBARRASSED US ALL
i was like “please keep pg”
like how old are you?
are you the reason for the coke bottles and broken walls?
STOPPPPP IT
The splash part is closed for business anyway until I’m not sick and I get a husband
neither of these look promising
being a landowner is less of a pipe dream these days but getting married feels an impossible task
only a psychopath would stand there with a fucking glass Coke bottle flying towards their head
or a serial killer
he met his match that day
I KNOW HE LOVES ME and HATES ME FOR THIS FACT
I think he tried contacting my fucking eight-year-old on Facebook and was not talking to me which is why I threw a coke bottle at his head but it could be just the fact that he wasn’t really talking to me and I didn’t even know about the other shit yet!?!?
like i threw a bottle at his head cuz he didn’t love me?
he didn’t flinch
cuz he loves me?
But he’s a fucking pedophile and he recently confessed that to me over the phone because every 10 years or something we video call each other
but i’ve lost his number again, fyi
he said I was on top of his list but I wonder if that really means I’m on the bottom?
And I will fucking remove everyone on that fucking list he has if I ever get a hold of it
DEAL
i keep looking back at my bad behavior in response to bad behavior…
“what is it” said it was common but it seems to be taking over everything and suffocating the life out of all it touches
nihilism is pretty tho, huh
but there is more
and this is just a little
the property is being flanked
by vines
(and other threats)
not gonna be here long…
ain’t gonna be settled
NOT HOME
so i mean, kinda hard to have an open door policy
but… if you ever need to talk
you can trust me
*laughs*
WordPress victim blames and says im “overly social” but im an introvert – i took reading comprehension in college – that was an actual class – we were tested on how quick we could “speed read” and answer main points and “who what when where” kinda shit
postscript: i’m terrified of dying young. even though every step i took while sleeping – was headed towards a premature ending, and i thought i was awake – like now – then i fall deeper into the rabbit hole – and the desire to drive off the bridge increases – until someone else does it – and i live vicariously through them (wow i spelled vicarious correctly the first time no help – so had to misspell an easy word to make sure spellcheck was working)
i prefer writing by hand again, making mistakes, real mistakes, not because of AI
or the fact that the infrastructure has been hacked
and Biden said that Trump needed to be in the bull’s-eye and apparently somebody took that literally
you voted for this
but I’m never voting again
i literally served my country and then they took my fucking freedom of speech and changed the policies and I don’t even recognize my own country and I feel like I have impostor syndrome
those are separate issues but not
the thing is, God also has imposter syndrome, at least down here
like he doesn’t know he’s God yet…
it may be up to us to fix this, cause we caused it
it is our problem
you don’t get to fuck things up and then put it off on someone else Gen X to fix
i’m terribly not sorry but i am ready to walk away from society – not drive off the bridge (despite the lovely thought)
the killer is the only one who can trust me – but he knows i cannot trust him – i cannot trust a thing – an angel is untrustworthy – still – of all living things – including him – i am THE ONLY THING HE CAN TRUST
it’s like a safety mechanism
and i’m off limits
for eternity
it’s the only form of love we know
“not killing one another”
but i have ptsd and the slightest noise he makes could set me off
the constant reassurance that it’s just someone else’s head he’s burying and not mine….
phew
i don’t like surprise, random gifts
it makes me think he is up to something
so i get gifts regularly
because i am his queen
and he puts his thing in me
“honey, how many likes to get a new plushy”
him: zero
so i don’t have to worry about one like
i get what i want
it’s the best life honest
i just have to keep my big fat mouth shut from the feds
and not tell them what i see happening late at night
sometimes i have to put a spell on him: “you did not see me” because if he knows what i saw or dreamed
i can read his eyes
i can feel the thickness of paranoia
we’re sick
i just go make soup
and then he fucks me
and the vibes chill
i’m not dating a serial killer might be my next book title…
where do i put the lies?
p.s.s i put his phone number in a black hole and the data cannot be retrieved
there’s no way to unblock
can’t look back even if i wanted
but i kept the receipt with his email when he bought me salad when i was actively dying
i’ve been fighting for my life and putting as far behind me the end of the line
wanna make it to 105
challenging with a heart, brain, lung injury
FYI
so if you were wondering what i do all day
NOT MUCH
I don’t understand why the boomers get their pennies all in a wad when I was five years away from retirement anyway
YEAH
SO CHILL
like you thought i was going to work until 78?
*laughs*
i will work WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT
i do actually feel like being a productive member of society
but I ain’t working for companies that are killing us
I DO NOT COMPLY
STOP CUTTING DOWN THE TREES
im putting that on a tee
like, been screaming it til i am blue in the face from lack of oxygen
has anyone else woken up to the nihilism in the world!?!
the ones who hate God?
the ones who destroy anything natural
hmmmm
I like being a fallen angel that serves God but gets to fucking toy with all the demons in hell
PLEASE KEEP EXPOSING WHO YOU ARE
all you gotta do is mention age in any form and i know you are a SICK FUCK
and if you even mention that I’m in my 40s I will cut your fucking dick off
i will go Lorena Bobbitt on you
i’m 15 and holding
YOU KNOW MY AGE
DON’T LET THE WRINKLES GASLIGHT YOU
I WILL NEVER GROW UP
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
the next cop to call me a child i will respond GOOD FUCKING PEDO
ARREST ME BITCH
“your honor, i called him out and got arrested whoops”
the judge: “get the cuffs off of her”
*apologizes to me*
but I’m gonna grumble that an apology isn’t good enough and I want compensation, as i walk off
i’m coughing things out of me that shouldn’t be there like images of you and her bare seeking shelter in every dark corner so to myself i feel a foreigner
sometimes i wonder if he can smell my despair seeping through the sewers like he doesn’t care there’s too many sins to launder and it’s more fun to haunt her
You’re like the simple wish on a Christmas list: a hello, a good morning, a what did I miss?
You’re vaguely responsible for the wheels that are turning – maybe only to a small degree – but when creditors send angry letters with demands and ultimatums – it feels like eight tons – the weight of a weapon
or like being the jester before the judge, with a laughing courtroom, a towering bridge in the background that looks like a tomb
the devil once told me while drinking black coffee, they can’t find you if you keep running, now my feet are always on the go, if not spinning in circles really slow
and now ships are sinking where my wings are hardest, but looking in the mirror, i see your sins as darkest, and you could escape the galaxy, you can run the farthest
reaching you; like trying to scream from the inside of a black hole, lost is the echo, but where do the likes go?
i wake up to a synthetic dawn, you have a maze garden in your lawn, like lying low for favor, cuz lost is where we both belong
i love you in the mournings, when the sun is reflecting on my shortcomings, like a laser beam on my back, i’m ready for attack
postscript: i just feel like writing. i went through my “best writing years” and now i am in my worst?
i don’t care for Hollywood or influencers now that they shadow banned me and want me to watch their content
i always felt influencers were sloppy seconds anyway and Hollywood lowered themselves to their level to stay relevant and now i don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone
someone else posted my viral videos on YouTube and they went viral over there and i ain’t seen a dime here or yonder
i’m not even allowed to turn on gifts on TikTok because I don’t have 10,000 followers
and TikTok keep 50% of gifts, should be illegal
according to their policy, they pay out how they want, and they make or keep popular who they want
You must be settled nicely on your throne? But you couldn’t leave well enough alone?
Have you calmed down from the torrential storms you bring i was a child dancing near your flowing spring i am innocence and pain chaos in the gentle rain
did you know you could stop me in my track make me forget my thought and that?
you’re a fast car speeding away like a scene from a crime did i disappear from mind or only your review was that even you?
The ones who say they want to be friends with me don’t and the ones who act like they love me won’t
i must be a non-playable character in my own game or i’m living in Purgatory and i’ve gone insane
Am I the wrong aesthetic marching to my own beat out of tune am i pathetic?
ashes ashes we tumble down a coming crisis fast burning crown
i scared him the way lightening can strike twice in the same place or an angel invading your personal space
did you have to speed away so quickly made me feel sickly
they come on strong like the wind carry your kite high blow rocks in your eye make you laugh or cry
spun out don’t give a crap
ghosted for sure can’t make friends with the mailman they always wanting more
Their love for me is waning like a moon as swiftly as a typhoon i don’t know how to read a room my feet spell doom
the way he took a mental picture i hope it fades cuz memories don’t last forever nor does his gaze
they’re so settled in their lives with their choices and their wives?
you come on heavy trodden make me lose step a life i’ve forgotten where i want to build a garden
why did you fall like sand through an hour glass it was moving fast
i was the wonder you found at the end of the road? a wandering intrusion hard to watch me go? the direction of confusion
the hubris lose it it’s fucking useless
speed off my king ride off into the morning like you’re never looking back like you never saw me coming
i didn’t realize i had a chocolate crumb stuck to my lip. try to look put together and yet…
there’s one other with the flash accidentally on
no self-esteem for selfies
mirrors hold energy
negative energy
mirrors spread narcissism is a plague
mirrors cast spells
Skeleton Key is a fantastic movie – they just do not make them the same
i’m kinda nearing that scene where i want to put salt around me in a circle
KEEP BACK DEMONS
*hisses*
probably something i would do if cops approached me
“we got us a crazy one”
would the good doctor come see me?
“she’s on the news…”
let’s just keep this one for the pages m’kay
i ain’t trying to cause no trouble
no sir
“your honor, my lawyer told me to lay low and avoid the slumlords”
“ain’t my fault them toilets are never working and there’s a backlog two months long”
“it was a toxic relationship”
“they’re vampires”
“money hungry vampires”
“my lawyer said not to pay June rent”
“i counter sue”
“they nearly killed me”
“bear”
i have written a poem or two more
i don’t know if anything is worth sharing
i still have a visitor or three
never have i loved someone the way i have you
probably something i would say during a drinking game in front of your buddies all in a circle
really embarrass you
but i would be the one to get up and leave
and you wouldn’t come after me
and your buddies will notice
too bad you all want love with a prostitute – or whatever label you wanna give em
“call girl”
75% do not want love with you or anyone
“25% chance”
no, not even that
they have to disassociate to fuck you
you pay to take them to dinner and they smile while you talk
they rub your back when you enter
i fucking hate you all
something i remind myself frequently when i get the feels
usually my period
none of you thought i was good enough
just want us eating birth control like candy and using us as fleshlights and oh no birth rates are down (nihilism)
meanwhile, i never took birth control and i’m bleeding from my legs
“don’t look”
“that’s still looking!”
i can’t wait to burn my apple device
that fucking bitten fruit
eve spit it out, it was rotten
Adam laughs “fuck you, Adam” eve replies
Adam was gay
The pharaohs
LGBT
i fell down the rabbit hole again
The great pyramid scheme / the great wall of deceit
Yesterday I told my friends in the mainland that they could go ahead and ship out my package on the fifth and 20 minutes later I got a notification that my package had shipped because for me it was the fourth but I guess for them it was already the fifth so ha
i’m also getting 222 and 333 and so on reminders again that “God is still here”
and the watch ticking on my wrong wrist – love to hear it
weirdly calming to my heart
helps when i am triggered too
i feel like i am spinning without direction in space “i’m losing you”
“what is your location now!”
“i can’t see you!”
GRAVITY
i prefer the land
not the tunnels, not the boats
this place is showing signs of sink_____.
sometimes Florida swallows you whole
no body bag to leave in
i wanna lay low but not that low
hope JJ is still around
casting his shadow from another realm
if a ghost can leave a shadow behind
it would look similar to a radiation burn on a building
God used the same blueprints
the way peeling bark can look like lizard leaning or same a squirrel up to something
killed one but let the other live, i cannot know a thing
“don’t come around here”
“i told yah”
it’s definitely hormonal though because some days I’m willing to fight and other days I’m willing to fucking create
The problem is most people are destroying faster than things can create because nihilism is rampant
and if stats are 3 to 5 people have an STD we can assume that they are sterilized and unable to have any children
Sterilization is happening in so many different ways though
as long as the rich can continue ivf abominations
if you’re offended it’s not my problem
you can continue to shadow ban me but every checkmark page that shows up on my fucking profile I’m gonna block it
any time i get a penalty for anything – BLOCKFEST
using a favorite song but getting an “unoriginal video removal penalty” – bye bye band – BLOCKY
i can keep going because I block people just looking at FYP videos and reading comments that have nothing to do with me or the creators video
even with the shadowbans and blocking sprees, i’ve somehow managed to linger around 5k on the potential tiktok ban
fighting for my life still so making content is not priority number one
recently i reached out to an old schoolmate and then i casually blocked them
i wasn’t trying to get back into their life
just having revelations
“like remember that time you stoned me”
need a sling and rock me thinks
moving into that portion of the Bible/Matrix
when they take on the giants/ mr smith
“got any weapons on you”
the cop telling me i need to take a walk to cool off
honey, you need to take a walk to lose some of that fat
he’s a fucking cop and I’m dying and I make better attempts at keeping up with my health than he does
i’m on the damn MRI table sitting in a hospital gown that’s 100 times my size too big and telling the doctor I’m not “marriage material” and he’s like “what? well if you think it’s your looks it’s not that…”
my damn mechanic thinks i’m fit
like no
my back arms are jelly
i need to work on my triceps and my booty gains and i’m not getting to do anything but try to fucking not have my throat close up on me in this fucking toxic environment
And do I just pay the rent or do I go through all the legal fucking bullshit to tell the landlord fuck you you ain’t get another dime from me?
The headache and stress involved in doing this and also trying to quit weed medicinal again at the same time and moving on my own and just everything
I already turned in my notice to vacate and I did send out the certified stuff
this place is a dump and the law is on my side – but there are obstacles and headaches involved – they make it so – the librarian even pointed it out “The forms the landlord needs are easy to find and accessible but not the tenants” (cuz i was embarrassed i could not do a simple task)
He would send a cease and desist to stop the eviction process and im gone anyway he said
“dont pay june rent – ride it out until xyz”
im ready to post reviews and give one star ratings
“if you like living with cockroaches, mold, and crime, where half the amenities posted online are nonworking and the slumlords gaslight you daily, you found the right space…”
“see piccys”
the blm community have children and teenagers stealing packages and banging on doors
i would like to try again, under my own pen, to blog again.
it’s just, i don’t feel like people like when i come around their blogs and socialize
and i mean fuck, look at my past homicidal / suicidal behavior – i nearly didn’t make it out
i’m still 100 foot below the surface wanting a phone call from you
you’d probably have to get a new number because I think I locked you out of my life the way I locked myself out of Facebook
sometimes i stop and mourn the loss of my sister and dad
it’s like being in and out of consciousness
I wish I could disassociate for a few days and then it be time to move but there’s too much to get done and not a second to lose
note to self: if where i’m going is terrible, I don’t have to stay there for seven fucking years
i have weird addictions – like i cut myself off after a period of time
i have to slowly withdraw
i get angry with myself
i say, “if we keep going, I won’t be able to enjoy the rest”
too much stress
it’s been two or three weeks now and I have not renewed my medical card nor have I topped up and I’m nearly out of everything
i ALMOST made an appointment but backed out
sometimes you have to want quitting more than you want to get high and you have to have a good reason for quitting
But I was just trying to use medicinally and it’s a struggle when you get addicted to the stuff and then you use too much and it doesn’t work and I don’t want popcorn lungs or any shit like that; I need to quit for at least six months again.
people think I’m rich because I keep getting boxes and I’m like I need an intervention and they just laugh me on and encourage me and say they want to shop with me because I got a good eye
but it is temporary – it is not forever
it is the one time in my life for such ridiculousness
but i’m at that point you know – where you gotta stop
you recognize the slope and even if you do have enough rope – it is not the direction you want to go
i have other plans
and I’m definitely not rich, I am considered fucking poor, but I follow the 50/30/20 rule very terribly
my 30% goes to shopping, not eating out, not drinking or smoking dope, no partying, no netflix, no popcorn basically
“boring”
Lately I’ve been doing crossword puzzles and recently I got diamond and oil paintings to do
Being on the computer was fine when we weren’t forced to be on it 24/7 or when we didn’t have to train the AI and every task was double
I can’t even search on Walmart without telling it twice every fucking time what it is I’m searching for
i’m done chasing my tail
And I don’t want to continue participating and having to update and buy new fucking devices every five fucking years while the world is stripped of all of her power which the sun literally is making the Earth spin with all those diamonds and shit that you keep fucking pulling up out of the fucking earth
just because I can’t count as good as you because you made up some fucking delusional language doesn’t mean I can’t see what’s really going on
i lost my sister in the fire in the underbrush roaming the streets of purgatory she was in a rush and her voice was raised against the trees she was never hush And the only consistency she ever had – she was a good liar like segregating family it would put her higher she would sit among her broken throne covered in dust and bone herself in the mirror she admired
and I don’t know where she’s buried or if she’s in a cup; I guess my family thinks I didn’t love her very much
all of Gen X represent David and globalism obviously Goliath (society)
Goliath / I spieth / aim my eyes higher / my tongue not quiet / sails set to the sun/ time to riot\
iPoet
any recommendations for a tablet or computer? drop them below
“please buy my product full of bloatware” “see if i care”
we’re eating cereal! i like my dinner with poison. why are you choking?
no hope here / just a mangled boat dear
storm on horizon / take it on Poseidon / the strength i’m havin
🙂
also me: heart > brain > lung injury
yet i still breathe
JUST NEED A MINUTE TO SAY I LOVE YOU GOD
yeah yeah yeah
i think the mold was driving me into the brink of madness – i mean, i found myself wrapped up in a shower curtain screaming in agony for probably six hours of least
neighbors heard me lose my mind
i live with a disease called depression
but i ain’t jumping on the nihilism deathtrain
i don’t need any help dying
i need to stop trying
but there’s a lot of crying
i just want some place to die in peace and quiet
in maybe 65 years
that is only 110 tho
let’s go 111
wow oh wow how lovely
maybe undersold myself
damn
one can have goals
i mean, i’m nearly halfway there and one foot in the grave
a girl can dream
right now i would like to go one day without coughing
doc wants another CT scan
you know, at infectious diesease
where staff treat you like a plague
(well not them, just the idiots everywhere else)
cuz i’m half zombie
i took identifying as goth a little too far
i just wanna move somewhere with clean air and enjoy my black box
hope John Jones still on my back
yeps
the way he wanted fresh air again
he just wanted to get back to his life
“i hate it here”
same
just some freestyle through the phone
3 weeks until new home
clinging on
i made some grave mistakes getting the Moderna vaccine
there better not be any waivers to sign getting into heaven
they took away the avatar but i downloaded the video but it looks like shit
it was my own shadow that pushed me into existence “what do you mean by tone” same tone. same key. like hydrogen and carbon frequencies we’re hopping? turning color into sound saw you was found
divide light by two room just me and you
a vortex of color you make me wonder
density hard to perceive loved you instantly
plus and minus four like knee on floor praying for more
i’m sorry no idea was ever my own. unless you count the fact that i fell for a *insert noun* i’ll never see again
who i think could be Jesus cuz if i identify as angelic and part of the 144, then i have to take into consideration that Jesus is also part of that group, and he very well could have identity issues he did not know about, maybe even marital issues now, cuz i may be making him wake up in a sweat, though that is very unlikely, since delusional is my trademark.
still, he would not come here “knowing”, it is something he must sort out.
cuz my frequency woke something up in him
or vice versa cuz he did ask a minute later “do you know why you are here”
and like, that sounds like something Jesus would ask, and i was clearly lost (if this is auto translated, please remove the double like)
and i wonder if i am just putting the shoe where it fits
or if my prayer actually did come true
and i saw my soulmate for sixty seconds while dying
aside from a name on a piece of paper, he does not exist
G imprinted on me
it’s weird tho cuz i very well could hate him if i knew him longer than an hour
“i don’t like how he chews”
” his feet stink”
clear signs your body and soul is rejecting your choice of partner, FYI
if he has to leave his boots outside, he probably has an STI
i’m reading horror stories from wives saying “he gave me 3 STD’s, marriage isn’t safe”
but i learned this i college how a husband contracted hiv/aids and started treatment without his wife, leaving her without immunity
ask me why i choose the bear
because you like us? stop commenting and the algo will ghost gen x just like society has
or just wait for me to block you
i only give the devil X amount of times before i put my foot on his wing
now watch me bite his head off
cuz god gave me firey wings and got the good doc dreaming about me?
why else is he everywhere?
in thought, in dream, he imprinted on me?
maybe he was already discontent with life
mundane
had it all, he thought
until he saw me
the crazy one
now he’s questioning his own existence
going through some sort of awakening
we experienced one together for a solid minute
maybe one day i will forget he changed my life forever…
i don’t know about sound theory
under all the layers it is conditioning to make you believe you are a hybrid AI
“computers have feelings”
and now you won’t feel so bad cumming to your pride and joy in its “infancy”
i love him more than i can explain you can’t see mountains moving or hear me calling his name but somewhere between eternity and the hours i have gone insane we both remember that day
what was that intense beam of energy that made the room halt?
like did you see the monster or the angel?
cuz i feel like it was the latter
you just didn’t expect what you studied to look like me?
my file chart?
we don’t match huh
her and i
i struggle with identity and who i am, too
this is why you studied to be a doctor
but i was over here dying and praying to god
“well could i please at least SEE my soul mate? give me 60 seconds?”
i mean yeah
literally 60 on my end huh
wish i had took a screenshot of your frozen image
you don’t even exist in the matrix
i’m not even suppose to be crawling down this hole
i lost my worth you know
im wholly suicidal
i wonder if that made me worse
seeing what i lost
i was once on that side
“we create our own reality”
or was it like some form of Stockholm syndrome?
but this happened before you saved me and now it’s worse
you come on so strongly, randomly in thought, like you put it in there
you imprinted on me
like when i stare at the fucking sun and get spots in my eye
and now im wondering if my pupils became such being born in the world
it was so fucking blinding
and i was fucking crying
i had a period of awareness in womb
was depressed
didn’t want to be born
didn’t want to stay in there
“how much longer is this gonna take”
didn’t want to face what i was gonna face being born
in theta mode
to be conditioned
by demons
and im mad about it
but if i go to church and starting upturning trays and demanding them to get the money out of my house, it’s dirty, the cop will be so overwhelmed to arrest me
he wants to burn me at the stake
or something worse
(this actually just happened to me so the cop threat is very real)
(the lawyer called to speak to his supervisor)
i need you as my doctor or husband
my depression would likely have a 25% drop
until the full moon and period comes
which i must be experiencing some sort of mild psychosis because im not baby making
the suicidal waves are intense
so i went shopping today
even tho im moving in 28 days and have a 4×8 space to haul my life
but its mothers day and my daughter called
and i know it is “it’s”
too many strokes now to do whst i need to
works better with no network
getting a typewriter soon
xoxo
people like hearing me complain
or get almost arrested maybe
lawyer said not to pay june rent
send up the seven day notice to do shit
leave
if they try and get me for breaking my lease, cease and desist
can help get my deposit back too
they still aint fixed my dryer
prob waiting til i drop that notice
i cant wait to send anom flowers that say “checkmate” once theyve lost
“vets dont have any power”
i mean yeah but no
dont threaten a vet with eviction
cuz now i get free legal even tho i over qualify
thank u
(it aint going how u wanna)
(even tho i feel like im suffocating)
(prob the mold)
you fucking sinister assholes
rare to find an honest lawyer
“stay away from the front office, they are trying to hurt you”
DUH (but it is needed to hear)
(sometimes validation is needed)
hk slippers claimed now mine
im outta control
i bought a hello kitty steering wheel cover and car pillow
Sanrio gonna be all over the new apartment
i dont know how long the phase will last
but i got a hk painting (i gotta paint) with an umbrella (will prob put it near a coatrack i aint got)
i also got a hk sunbrella
a fucking hk clock with strawberries for the kitchen
fancy shit mixed with child shit cuz i am mother and child in one
“angel”
age 15 still really
he never made me a woman did he
claudia was madddd for being turned as a child
started killing all the women
collected them as dolls
Louie got mad
wow
it reads a lot diff on paper than watching
Rice was sick and twisted
did she die?
*sigh*
i have enough things now to enjoy the basics of life
shopping for a house soon
LAND
people act like i should be doing something more than i am
like this is life now
it pisses the boomers off
still recovering from a heart lung and brain injury
