Are you paying for your sins Cuz it’s all black and white where we live Like looking at the the sky We go places planes won’t fly
Have you sat in a room with your biggest enemy? Did you have a chance to dine with me?
Where do you go when you plan to leave? Will you appear in another galaxy?
Cuz’ I don’t need a crystal ball To see the sacrifices crawl Or flowing down the river bank “It’ll never flood again you think”
Have you calculated costs? Is it buried under mud and frost? Or a thousand-hundred years Like losing lives on lies
Cuz you ain’t never shared your bread with me You ain’t never been to bed with me (But I know you would’ve bled with me)
Cuz shedding sin is like shedding ghosts? But it’s cold outside, so you’ll need your coats
I know you got an alibi I’ve been driving 80 Flooring 100 lately Just to hear your lie
Time is platinum Unlike for Juliana Sacrificed no honor Locals cheering “she’s a goner”
But I don’t know who wins this When every policy’s unfit Unclear is your last text sent Since you swore there were no fears
I saw you trembling on the mountain dear And how they took their time on getting near But I know they had “a lot of gear” An ulterior motive to carry up as well
“I’m not afraid” God is unfazed But they will pay when they return to hell
I’m sorry but, imagine me in a long trench coat, with like a dozen or more of rats and rodents, banging on heaven’s door, just crawling all over me, my shoulder, my pockets, my pigtails presumably?
“Brought some things with me”
Daisy, age around 6 months, known to bite, cannibalistic, likes crickets? (Here she’s snacking on a twig with flowers)
Store said she’d been there the longest – adopted and returned
They said she likes to bite
Charlie already wants to extend the family
I told Charlie it might not be best knocking Daisy up her first night here
Not to mention the HABs aren’t even completed
I was going in for substrate and saw that sign for “50% off”
They said eventually it’d be reduced even further – to 75% and then well… she goes one more place and tries one more time (where surely she will bite and their number one rule for biting is “put down”)
It saddens me this society – this lifestyle of bartering one another at what cost
There was another girl that was born there – i really wanted her – she had a cow-like print
I NEED LAND
And a shed
I don’t care what the influencers think
“…this is animal abuse”
But mine are sleeping peacefully in their chaotic HAB
(HAB is short for habitat for those who don’t know)
They also get me as their caretaker and no one on TikTok seems to get that
I told Daisy today that the family returned her because she didn’t belong with them, she belonged here
I’m scared of Daisy
But she let’s me handle her, has not bit me, and has stopped squealing like a squeaky toy when I pick her up
She also allows me to segregate Charlie even tho she runs after him
It’s new to her
Probably hurts
She knows she wants it but she don’t
And Charlie be down there doing things that should be behind closed doors
But she could rip his head off when she is thru
And that’s the reality of adopting two Syrian hamsters from different stores
Male and female
Of breeding age
It’s almost like I needed enrichment in my life
Trying to keep two hamsters from killing one another or falling in-love
They said she was spicy so I named her after a sweet flower
Daisy seems to have already taken to her name
She knows not to bite me….
She’s learning her new HABs
She’s met Charlie 4 times – and he was ready to extend the family right away
They have been grooming one another
Licking and sniffing
Lots of face-to-face stare offs
Nose touches
Could be love or war
She’s not as fit? It was her first time on a 10 inch or 8 inch wheel. They had a saucer at the store
Prob used it to lay on
Charlie has a friend now but she could be a killer so I won’t leave them alone
I know I shouldn’t be buying hamsters while dying and not even having the correct HAB setup
But now my life has purpose
Can’t move into my Noah phase if the ark is empty
Back to the basics
They say I am a child that never grew up
So I got a hammy
Logical
(And I know you love me even more)
(But you don’t know why)
(Cuz you fucking hate me and will never speak again)
Don’t get it unless it’s the absolute only thing you can get but even then maybe don’t get it
With that said, he is acting like it is a piece of heaven (sleeping sound too)
It took a lot of mods, it still isn’t safe, there are sharp edges, holes, and other areas that probably hurt his feet
Despite negative reviews of potential death occurring, staff still insisted I get it, knowing I could not return it for a refund (or even gift card).
But I found the most special boy at the Pet Supermarket
You would think we’d have better choices than plastic and “no returns”
My hamster is an adult, I nearly got a newborn
Charlie fell directly on his head TWICE – he’s lucky his neck did not break or get a head injury
But I’ve since added a wooden wagon and he’s gonna have to be careful exploring tonight. Cuz I cleaned his area up, relocated items, filed down sharp spikes, cleaned his innie meany litter box, added fresh treats, but he ain’t drinking from his water bottles. I just wanna see him do it on his own.
Charlies loves AND I MEAN LOVES his new environment.
He has several new sleeping spots, one being in his tunnel where just a bit of sun comes in…
I ordered him a better wheel since he runs it all night – the little guy literally exercises ALL NIGHT
But someone since has stated even the medium size is too small (it seems I need an XL)
Charlie is a Syrian “Teddy Bear” Hamster
I don’t know what life was like for Charlie prior to 48 hours ago, but now he is resting calmly – despite the setbacks – and two death escapes – he seems to LOVE his new HAB
I prob won’t get much rest until I know he’s safe
We’ve only been together a short while but
A. Charlie is adventurous at night. He doesn’t mind being handled.
B. If the sun is up and you slightly disturb his sleep walk or existence, he will flip over and play dead in which I will respond with “Jesus Charlie, I won’t do that again”
And it’s day two and I have not. He allowed me to move his crate, clean it, just no touchy.
Not til sundown
Charlie just came to the attic
I said “you wanna come out” (and did not try to handle him”
HIM:
He’s back asleep. Like he’s in heaven…
BUT THIS HAB IS A DEATH TRAP
You gotta get it safe – and even then – it still isn’t safe
It’s not good for his paws
I’m not allowed to return/exchange the HAB
But I’m happy I found Charlie
But I’m not rich
I can’t just dump money into “the best of” when it’s actually always the worse
And the managers in charge – Gen Y or Z – SOLD THE SHOW OUT
And I don’t mean a full house
Hamsters can die from stress and I will literally die from stress if something happens to Charlie cuz I was sold SNAKE POISON everywhere I go
He’s still passed out by the way. Don’t think he wanted to be there a second longer (at the Pet Store)
He accepted his hay
I’m not handling him yet
Just want him to feel safe
They can die from stress
He likes his den
He didn’t like the box
He filled up on water and hay
Now he’s sleeping on the hay?
Under the raised platform that acts more like a slip n slide – and the little guy chews everything but my fingers – so gotta be careful what I add to help him get around
And the mansion is a no-go currently
One of the tunnels fell down, it’s unsafe, there’s even a plastic spot underneath the fall little guy could get hurt
Now the reviews were bad, I told the store this, but they insisted to get the “Heaven Haven” (and now I’m questioning the name of it) – furthermore – they said they didn’t even know what the return policy was
LOOK I’LL MAKE THIS CLEAR FOR YOU
MY HUNDRED WILL BE RETURNED FOR SOMETHING THAT IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE
Still, I have someone looking at it soon – so I don’t have to return it just yet – we might can sort it and he seems content in the smaller one – which cost more
At some point I would like to let him “hang out” but his safety is my priority and the little shit knows how to squiggle and break free
He tried when he chewed thru the box in-store
And I was attempting to hold him until a spare box arrived
He can squirm
But he ain’t never bit me as feisty as he is
Love the little guy too much
Only just met
Like 24 hours ago
(Maybe a bit more cuz I came home and slept on the decision is made)
P.S. some scammer tried to invite me to a Trump event for Soldiers
You know I didn’t vote, right?
I was part of the 300,000+ missing votes
But I ain’t missing
*hi*
And we’re an Army now
We don’t vote for the antichrist
We unplugged from the Matrix
Hope this helps
(I also don’t have a dime to give and if I did I’m taking it with me to heaven)
(Rules for me, not thee)
Ha!
This is also a good time to give thanks to God (thank you God for letting me spend all my dimes on little Charlie)
He’s so cool
He closes his eyes when he drinks his water and he comes when he’s called
It’s almost like it was meant to be – even if time is fleeting – for us both
I can’t stop thinking about his sister tho but I’m happy with one
I’m barely getting around and I don’t have to take Charlie for any walks
Had to put him in a second box cuz he chewed thru his first despite adding bedding, treats, and some food.
Charlie is my new best friend and has not once tried to bite.
He did flip over playing dead a couple times briefly and I was like “I didn’t mean to startle you” and he would just sniff my hand and go back to chewing thru the box
Eventually he did escape, I looked down and he was in the buggy
I was like, “Charlie!!!” “that’s not safe”
And he let me pick him up and snuggle him
He made it home safely and started exploring his living room den
He had water, he relocated his entire bowl of food under his den, where he also moved some straw as well as took breaks to eat the straw, before moving strands to the basement zone
Now Charlie is resting under the den and he has not even seen his bedroom double layer mansion – he’s already worked so hard
The mansion in the box…
I have insomnia so I got a nocturnal creature
Makes total sense
But I fell in-love with Charlie even tho I was going in for a mini newborn Black Bear hamster
I got a 14 month adult Teddy Bear hamster instead
I knew upon our afternoon meeting yesterday, while you were stuffing your greedy little face, that you were the one
I also bought you the exact shit you like plus shit you ain’t never tried
I think your basement needs more but also I gotta install your toilet in the mansion
That’s right, your mansion comes with its own bathroom
And the two-story mansion + roof with tunnel – is in my bedroom
So you can keep me up all night stirring
And we can sleep during the day like vampires since I can’t do much anything else
Charlie was the first to say hi
And I was okay with getting an adult
Charlie needed a home and was ready to go
Like we only got one life
Charlie was ready for his purpose even if I am dying…
Many videos were uploaded on the TikTok if you wanna see him exploring his new environment
I couldn’t find any editor to combine 2 photos into 1, it’s all so complicated now
Couldn’t layer or change opacity
NOTHING
I once could create stuff but now everything is on boss mode and I got left behind
It’s like they sucked the joy out of everything
STOP GIVING THEM FEEDBACK
STOP GIVING THEM YOUR OPINION
Take a vow of silence and run
The neighbor keeps asking me what I am running from
I keep trying to explain
Not from but to
I don’t wanna be tied down to anything
I just wanna run with the clouds
Sit with the sun where I won’t burn
Eat food on my tongue
Take a safety course
Get good with my weapon
The Army didn’t train me on something this fucking tiny
Should’ve stuck with a 9mil and what I am certified in
Told myself to stop complaining take a fucking class get to the fucking range
I love that the slumlord is worried that I got a weapon
“Is she carrying”
LIKE WHAT IF I AM
MIND YER FUCKING BIZZ
Cuz Ain’t nothing in my house REGISTERED TO YOU
In fact, YOU AINT ALLOWED IN HERE NO MO
MEDICAL EMERGENCY
MOTHERFUCKING TRY ME
This is America bitch
I WAS TRAINED TO CARRY
BE FUCKING SCARED
I HAZ EMPOWERMENT
KEEP TELLING THEM LIES
My lease is up soon and only then can you have entry
MY PLACE
MY SPOT
NOT YOURS
I CARE NOT YOU FORGOT ABOUT A DEADLINE AND ARE GIVING US 24 HOUR DEMANDS OR YOU GONNA ENTER ANYWAY + FINE US
I FUCKING DARE YAH
Cause I just told my nurse today that if my doctor doesn’t get with the fucking program, I will get someone else because she works for me and I don’t work for her and it’s about what I need and not what she wants
PERIOD
I DON’T PLAY
I DON’T NEED AN ELECTRIC BILL THAT COSTS A MUCH AS A FAMILY OF 5
I may just get a tent and start camping
And God knows I gotta drop more supplies if Ima spend a year traveling and figuring out where I wanna exist
Cuz I built a bed you know
And a couch
Fool me fucking twice
Never getting in another lease again
I mean, have you seen all the ridiculous add-on fees They’re adding just so they can bring you a fucking air filter? how about you Try cleaning the HVAC system for fucking change
Call the black mold mildew one more time
Say motherfucker ONE MORE TIMEEE
Cause I asked you on more than one equation was there any mold in this fucking apartment and you straight up said no and there’s mold all over this motherfucking place and I know it directly impacted my dogs mental health whom I just had to lay to rest, you better watch your fucking tongue the rest of the time I’m here and leave me the fuck alone.
A drowning man will drown another, but sometimes they’ll shoot you in the fucking back. That CEO never saw it coming. And the words on the bullet, poetic.
Checkmate Luigi.
And I carry cuz A. I’m cute and dudes follow me to my car or while I am walking and B. I am a Soldier
It’s also my right as an American citizen and I highly recommend you utilize all your rights too – unless of course you fucked up and do not have the right to carry
I would say stock up
My bag is heavy
Prob as heavy as me
The Army made me ruck carrying double my weight
It’s no wonder my back fucking hurts and I need to take breaks from time to time
Or I need you to pick up my shit cause it’s so fucking heavy but as long as you toss it on my back, I got it
Well the core of my heart lost a lot of strength to be able to do stuff like that which is why I’ve been doing core training.
My lease is up soon and I gotta let a lot of my stuff go because I don’t want to stay in Florida, but I did go look at a few places around here and I had a lot of anxiety during it and that’s my body’s way of saying we are fucking done with Florida
And the mountains are calling me home
I’ve never lived up north but I might spend some time in Montana. I might spend some time in Colorado maybe Utah I don’t fucking know where I’m going. I literally have no idea what is next. This is the first time in my life I have ever been 100% solo on my own I have a gun Legally OK so when I say I’m alone, I’m still protected. Thank you. (Gotta remind the monsters I sleep with one eye on my trigger thank you very much)
I’m finding a sense of calm but that does not mean Millers wave is not incoming
Cuz the gravity is extreme
The loss
And I literally held him until his last breath and went through a psychosis
The hospital sent me a card with his fur and nose and paw print
I don’t wanna talk about things right now
But soon, when time has passed
Maybe I’ll share the psychosis
The thing is, I felt so disconnected but everything I was experiencing was common
It was a common grief trauma response
I fell into a black hole
I could feel time slow
Gravity was so heavy
Things were so dark
And now there are moments of clarity but I have two separation sequences I need to prepare for
The first is escaping the bottom of the singularity
The bottom of the hole
And then there’s the event horizon
I gotta be like a goat at the bottom
But the event i am circling
They require different methods to escape
And I know I’m losing weight, but the Bible says to fast for two weeks and that’s one way to starve the cancer
Unfortunately, I was invited to the Parishioner welcome dinner, and then I RSVP’d, and now my clothes are all dirty, I’m on my period, my dog is dead, I’m barely eating, my energy is low, I’m gonna be homeless soon, I’m lost in purgatory, and I was hurting too bad to go to Sunday church, despite having gone two weeks in a row, and now I missed my streak and the dinner is WED and my anxiety is full
I’m wearing a sleep patch and a thc patch cuz i ain’t getting any
It’s the worst timing having to meet somebody on my period especially when the first 48 hours are my roughest and I’m still in my roughest part of my period so come Wednesday it’ll be oh I’m feeling better but I only got the dishes done today and there’s no clean clothes Because my dog died and I’m behind on everything 
I got a doctor appointment with my doctor tomorrow the one that the VA are trying to take from me and I don’t even wanna see the fucking VA anymore and I’m getting ready to write President Trump and letting him know of the atrocities that are going on and how the VA are making it extremely difficult For me to have the treatment that I need
THUS THE VA CAN GET IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA
I’m sick of being assigned a female doctor anyway
And yes, there are plenty more things I can fucking complain about
But I don’t wanna hear any bullshit about me sending an SOS to the current admin when the VA are actively killing me and my comrades mkay
Stay in yer own lane
If you wanna get out and protest, I ain’t stopping you
I didn’t vote for this
I DIDN’T ASK TO BORN
AND I’M NOT READY TO DIE
EVEN THO THE NEIGHBOR ASKED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MARRY HIM
GREAT CONGRATS
Glad I was able to show you you already had what you needed
But I ain’t jumping off a bridge yet
And somewhere inside me, I think you love me and want to see me win?
Or were you planning to shoot me through the door when I dropped candy off at your door?
*laughs*
Gotta stand yer ground in Florida
(Were you cocking the gun or unlocking/locking the door)
I’m not celebrating Halloween anymore and I’m getting rid of all my Halloween stuff
I might become a nun
But today I emailed a college about becoming a personal trainer
Dying but still got goals
I do feel less dead today tho for what it’s worth
I 1000% look dead due to my heavy flow and this would be a good time for a neighbor to bring me soup
But I only make enemies
It’s just what I do
Loyal but good at a blindside too
Dr. Peterson says sometimes you have to be a monster
And I’m taking lessons everywhere I can get them
I would like to share my goals, even though they say not to, but I would rather try to manifest them because I have been dying, but I would like to visit China in 3 to 5 years and go to the student center and earn my uniform for tai chi
So that is my short term goal
My long term goal is to be cancer free but it feels unrealistic cuz most people only get about that much time and i’m about there with this illness that stole my life
It has a name, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you *joking*
I keep you on your toes
I’m so sick of the thought police because I shouldn’t fear everything I say
I just laid my dog to rest and the great planetary alignment is happening
On my sister’s death anniversary the great Winter blizzard of 2025 hit Florida where 5 inches of snow was dumped on my head during my 5th awakening
And the day I learned of my dad’s passing, I saw a six minute double rainbow
and since I held my dog for the last time on Valentine’s Day, i’ve been stuck on Miller’s planet, where gravity is strong
There’s not just the singularity, to escape, but the event horizon
And i’m on 10%
Maybe less cuz the “gross” thing is happening, and while i’m saying “oh my god” while flushing the toilet, i’m also saying things like “good girl” we started our period
And yes, i still, after nearly 48 years, get blood on my panties
Despite every measure not to
I WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT
Those are bits of me, so much potential and possibility, being flushed down the drain
IT MAKES ME CRAZY
Also me: “thank you Lord for the river to wash me clean”
*sits by the river for days*
Him: what r u still doing down there?
Me: i told you not to look. stop looking
Him: *approaches closer*
Me: *throws a rock at his head. GO AWAY*
(He does go away but he brings me back some food and comfort and leaves it by the river)
(Now i’m grateful cuz i didn’t want to be alone or humiliated by him seeing me this way x every 3 weeks)
(He made me some cloth to help)
(Now I can leave the river)
(Now he has poisoned the cloth and the river cuz he thinks life is pointless)
I wanna see the Great Planet Parade
I asked God for a sign that my dog made it to heaven to be heaven’s mascot, that he crossed the rainbow bridge
Didn’t want his spirit stuck on earth cuz of me
I’ve been in a lot of emotional distress, but my ovaries have overtaken at the moment, but it normally takes about 36 hours or so for that to reside so I can just pursue the rest of my period without being curled up in a ball or the bed
Like leave me alone but bring food at the door
Games
Notes of “here when you’re ready” (not “when you need me” cuz don’t need the guilt for needing space to shed my dna)
Like I didn’t ask to be born and I don’t wanna die nor is life worth living
So – I am trying to include activities that do not include signing death warrants – the bottom pits of black holes – or anything with a cancer warning – that may actually make life worth living – but so far i just cry – feel dead and empty inside – like i have imposter syndrome – which is likely a side effect from jumping into this timeline – to save my own life – since my other self was incapable of such a task – and i am still course correcting for her – in and out of disassociation – crying about what i have done – despite spending hours in the mirror crying and begging myself to do what needed to be done
So been listening to songs of Faith and Devotion by Depeche Mode
Man will survive the harshest conditions / and stay alive / through difficult decisions / so make up your mind for me / Walk the line for me / if you want my love.
Just know, I will fucking cut the cord on you to save my life.
I will leave you behind.
I will do a blindside.
Fucking ruthless angel
Death of mercy
I mean
I will free you of your curse
That’s why you fucking love me. Will risk your life for me and leave your ministry to me and ask me to end your life.
I know you’d do it for me if I asked.
What a weak little pathetic fucking boy if you can’t fucking do what I ask.
They are literally couples who die together who fall ill
“So risk your health for me / if you want my love”
But you know, I would burn a bridge and build a wall before I fucking infected you and you hate me for it
You hate when you cannot reach me
Cuz I hate it too
I’m not jumping in a cold river to save my dog (they both died)
I’m never getting another dog again
I experienced psychosis when he died
Apparently, trauma grief is a real thing
I’m not just lost in purgatory. I’m circling the bottom of a black fucking hole.
Yesterday I ran on the treadmill
More like walk/sprint/run Army style but I got some running in!
Proud of the heart!
I’m not in remission yet but I gave up smoking again *sigh*
Marijuana now is just basically cocaine or heroin and you’re just constantly chasing the dragon high because they changed the DNA of it and fuck you
Maybe when I’m around to it I’m gonna write about my experience losing my soul dog and I did a witness cremation and I feel like I’ve grown up a little bit
Do you think every time something is born, there is less matter in the sun?
Don’t you feel a certain way around the trees?
Do you talk to the plants like me?
Do you have the blueprint on how to escape the singularity?
Can you write me a poem or story? About anything?
But for an added challenge: because i am not obsolete and a part of the community!?! – the theme or topic could be a dog finding his way to heaven? The rainbow bridge?
Anyone wanna AI my good boy and create some art? Or digitally add a bridge or something? It wasn’t his fault he got sick.
RIP Sammie 2011-2025
All dogs go to heaven? He got a viking cremation for the warrior he was. Well, it wasn’t on the water. But his body was cleansed, his spirit released. That’s the idea right?
Honestly, I’d rather talk about my period right now or nothing at all.
We can talk about tacos. I’m craving tacos.
Let’s just not talk.
I’d rather hear you typing that story on the typewriter until I fall asleep.
*light language involved used as a form of artistic expression and not hurting anyone*
Remember, I told you I was trying to sort out my real life because it’s priority?
Well, I might be moving to Colorado
I gotta pray about it and sleep on it and all that shit but my heart is pretty much set on going to Colorado because the mountains have been calling me and I’ve been lost in purgatory and not exactly sure the direction I want to go until I reached out to my Chaplain and now my Compass is starting to turn to that direction, which is great because I was already considering Montana or Utah or somewhere out of the south because I’m like literally fucking done with the south like I’m done with the fucking south, you know
I spent time in Colorado when I was working in the military, I fell in love with the mountains and got married to them
They’re calling me home….
Six months is all you need to become someone new, remember? only I’ve got about five months left to make my move 🙂
Lease is up in July and takes about 30 days to close
I need a big big change
Homeowner sounds nice
Being in remission sounds nice
Getting his digits before either of us move or die sounds even nicer
I just threw the metaphorical dice
I mean, I have been praying for it
Direction
A husband
Clean bill of health for my second half
I told my chaplain that when I train it’s like I’m climbing mountains, but keeping my heart rate low
Like them people in the caves when they watch their friends die, they have to stay calm or they’ll die too
But I’m not in a cave. I’m normally just on the treadmill or my rebounder. Keeping my heart-rate low
Starting to hold weights and shit over my head, you know, calisthenics or whatever because my heart is not strong enough to do things
And it’s amazing how much my body is responding to the things I’m doing I feel like I’m gaining superpowers, even though I’m just going back to the basics of what the army taught me
today I woke up and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and man it felt so fucking good to just have all that time remaining in the morning to haven’t even had coffee yet and I’ve already hydrated with coconut water and fitness and I was like “fuck it’s only 7:30 AM”
I have so much time to figure out my life when I’m not trying to fucking push out content on social media for it to be NOT EVEN RECOMMENDED IN THE FOR YOU FEED
OH YEAH
I was given no warning that it had been shadowbanned and thus the time to appeal it had expired
Oh yeah
You know they keep over 50% of the profits you make them all the while beating you down
I don’t need social media. I need a fucking husband.
And find a house to buy and some land and then I got to fucking pack all of my things and move across country all the while mourning the loss of a relationship with a guy I never even got cause Walmart tried to fucking kill me twice and so I’ve already ended my subscription with them and deleted my fucking account and the place I go shopping now doesn’t have any recalls at all
And I’m currently going through my fifth spiritual awakening, that’s why 5 inches of snow was dumped on my fucking head during my blood sister’s death anniversary
M’KAY
I also wrote a poem or two
I’ll probably share those in a different post.
when I calm down
from the constant atrocities
I told my chaplain I was lost in purgatory and running from the devil
Once I get to Colorado, I can get baptized again cause he baptized me in basic training, you know, but he would probably drive down to Florida to give me a baptism if I asked for it
I was praying for direction and guidance and I’m back in my chaplain’s life
I’m reconnecting with my aunt again
She definitely will help me in the homebuying process you know just the moral support of it as well as my chaplain who’s already involved
sleeping beauty they make it look all cute when someone’s being disassociative and a guy comes and wakes you up from some fucking spell you know, but in reality, that’s not how it works
I knew that he was everything that I would ever want and simultaneously built my wall so high before I got here. I don’t know,I didn’t want to drown someone while I was drowning but the reason I’m drowning is cause I needed him. It’s complicated whatever I’ve got to chill the fuck out there are lessons to be learned here.
I’ll be carving in the mountains your name
Maybe one day I’ll have my legends of the fall bear moment
But hopefully we won’t have to deal with anything like that but hot chocolate and a fireplace?
maybe just the hot chocolate
I don’t know if dying opened up some super awareness inside of me, but I can see all the time all around me the many ways in which you could die
The army trained me to be observant and maybe I’m just too observant you know because when I got a brain injury, it cracked open the light and I see everything now
In fractals
Isn’t it harder to breathe because I remember it being really hard to breathe in Colorado and that was before I got a heart and lung injury
I didn’t stay long enough to get acquainted. I was only there a week, but I mean I was there long enough to get married to the mountains.
The Great Outdoors are calling me
I’m dying down my social networks for a bit so I can focus on my real life, but I may bring you some updates on my blog, where I am also shadowbanned
It just means I’m doing something right because Type O Negative (a rock band) was banned from Germany and now Germany worships that band
Imagine being told you can’t perform in a country and that you’re not allowed back
or how Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t get any of his writings published because they too shadowbanned him
*laughs insanely*
I still have some of his words tattooed on me
*current photo*
On my ribcage
Where it felt like a crucifixion and I kept telling my fucking tattoo artist, I wanted to fucking kill her so you know
I was like maybe we should just stop here and have it half done and she’s like I’ll be done soon. I was like I need a break and I had to have been her worst client but we made it through together.
Even with my hate and all
she probably even would-of tattooed me again because we were friends forever after that on Facebook and everything you know
but I just now got back on Facebook my God I’ve been approving people from six years ago
I don’t know who’s who anymore
Except some faces are really familiar and I’m so glad to be back in these haunted halls
Some people are responding to my “oh hi” and some people haven’t even been on their own profiles in 10,000 years and other people are wondering where they’re at but I’m dropping “I’m still alive” postings anyway
Now I have you know bands that I love looking at my fucking story on Facebook and I’m like why aren’t they on TikTok seriously though I mean, why aren’t they on TikTok?
Todd Kerns, you know who plays bass for slash and Kev from Candlebox, I mean, I like this person, I once was
Trent Reznor still has me as his friend because he’s been deleting people. He’s not at his maximum 5K anymore, but I didn’t get pulled or culled
*would die*
Crosby @ VAST you know was full, but I sent a friend request. Of course he immediately approved me.
And there are others and more
This is the music i miss and adore
The people
Cev from Skinny Puppy
We friends
I mean, they know I’m alive and I’m so glad they’re fucking alive because fires be burning everywhere huh?
Kind of feels nice to be welcomed back in my own yard and have like people care that I’m there
Family, friends, and so on
I was gone for six years. They didn’t delete me and I’m gonna disappear again.
OK, some have not forgiven me OK like Alex he has not forgiven me from removing him from my Instagram or probably talking to his ex
Well he doesn’t remove me when I go follow Unfollow follow back and he also doesn’t respond to any of my comments or messages I send him even though I know he’s fucking reading them likely OK
He’s still my muse
I have no ill will
Against my great music loves
Lol
I couldn’t imagine showing up at a gig though and being banned from it like no you’re not welcome here that would be – I don’t know – humiliating and life ending – if life gets that bad for me where the musicians I support don’t want me to come to their gigs then Someone needs to come have a talk with me or something
That’s not reality though OK

I prob thought i’d be a ghost in my own hometown
People want me to haunt them
I have to try to recover my account at some point, but I’ll just wait until I completely lose access before I attempt that because right now I can still contact Mark Z.
I don’t know if him and I are friends or if I’m just following him over there, but it’s his official one and he’s responded to me before in the past you know, but I haven’t been over there in six years so he ain’t seen me in a minute, but I’ve already been active on his profiles already since I’ve been back.
U follow?
I posted “I’m here, but I don’t know for how long”
Hard to say goodbye to ends
Likely disappear again
I like drifting in the wind
I like meeting new friends
I might try again….
I’m on the mend
I mighta slightly begged him to return to Facebook
It’s weird though, because when Trent Reznor got off Facebook, so did I, but neither one of us really left
🙂
Symbiotic
I mean, I did ask him to marry me on his fucking message board when I was like 16 or something and he was flattered and that has to be archived somewhere with my username Delia
Things don’t really last forever on the Internet like we were told though
I was kind of being silly and asked him a serious question afterwards and he really enjoyed the music questions that I asked him, which I can’t recall at the moment and I’m sure I screenshot it it at some point, but you know where are those files
I haven’t even met Trent Reznor yet and I worry I’ll cry when I meet him
What is he on, like baby number six with MariQueen? 7?
Life is just totally unfair sometimes
Cause I would’ve had seven babies with some guy if he wanted seven babies with me and now I’m fucking nearly dead
Cause he didn’t have fucking nearly 7 babies with me!!!!
We could have started at 13!
WTF!!!!!!!!
Stole my goTdamn life!!!!!!
Made me fucking wait until it was too late!!!!
I hate the fucking nihilism in this world, and you know I’ll be dropping all the complaints into my chaplains inbox
He still loves me after all this time
I don’t even know where I go when I get lost. I just say I’ve been in purgatory.
I think if I get a watch with a compass, I’ll feel a lot more grounded. You know honestly it’s just back to the basics. That’s what I keep telling myself.
Standing on first base
I was in Trent’s fanclub
Bring back message boards and fanclubs
NO ADS
People were fucking mean to me on the NIN board but not Trent
All fans are mean to me cause I hang out with the bands
“I’m with the band”
I’m legit the kinda fan they want at shows
I feel them notes
Probably what brought me to this hell
Vanity
And I know that men would probably prefer if I wore makeup and dyed my hair, but there’s also the sense of that they get to see me in whatever chaotic state I choose to be in
and right now it’s
“I might be turning into a white cub”
Always a cub, never a cougar
Cuz some guy asked my age once when older (but i look so young?) and he said i was a cub still
Yep and now always
Stop asking me my age when I’m working so hard to look younger than the new generation who look as old as me already right
?!?
It’s crazy though because they’re 30 they already got rid of their sex organs and turned gray so they actually have to dye their fucking hair
And they don’t want kids because they’re fucking nihilist
“Life’s too expensive” they claim
“I’m depressed, that’s child abuse”
Whatever propaganda trend they follow – it all leads to nihilism like a black hole
We just got our hot water back and this is what I look like living through a fucking winter storm without hot water for over a week
I’m basically exhausted living in this apartment because there’s always something fucking wrong
I had the heat out for a week during the storm. I had the toilet out for a week during Thanksgiving now I had the hot water out during the blizzard.
I am not where I’m meant to be
Cancer still grows in low gravity and mold it’s on the ISS
And they plan to drop it in the fucking ocean by the way
“We don’t know why the fish are dying”
Well, for one you need to stop over fishing
And you need to start putting your biggest catch back
I’m still friends with some of my past lovers oh my
I must’ve been not that bad of a girlfriend
Cuz they married n all
And i’m still over here “single never married”
But surely they’re rooting for me?
it’s crazy how I distance myself so far from people and they’re like an email away?
A phone call?
If I could only remember?
How to keep a log?
How to not lock yourself out of your own accounts?
Don’t uninstall TikTok if you wanna reinstall it back
Luckily, I still had it downloaded on my Samsung tablet, but I had to update it so it wasn’t even in sync with my Apple one which I found that my bio wasn’t concurrent
So who knows if it’s accurate or not cause I can update it on one and it won’t update on the other
I thought we got rid of segregation, but man I mean literally what the fuck
I told my chaplain I was trying to get clean and he asked me what from what kind of drugs and I was dropping the seven sins like they were hot
I don’t drink and I’m trying to quit medicinal, but he doesn’t care that I do medicinal and I don’t do drugs
Just trying to cleanse the devil out of me
And the MOLD
People keep trying to ask me what kind of cancer I’ve got even though I’m like pre cancerous you know and mold is cancer. It’s hard to get through to them because people’s labs are fine up until they’re like stage four or some shit anyway right
I have an appointment coming up with my doctor and I may request a PET scan, but I’m not going under for anything. I’m basically denying any kind of fucking service.
My body, my choice
The VA don’t seem to understand
Cause they seem like they might start forcing vaccines on people before they enter
And then try to keep your benefits from you if you don’t get the vaccine to enter, and I can just see like a revolution happening that I’m not even gonna be part of
Like oh yeah
What’s next you gonna try and hold me down and give it to me
The millennials, Gen Z?
Try and hold me down?
Gen X?
The most dangerous generation to ever exist?
Is that spit on me?
Did you just fucking ghost me?
It’s weird being a fallen angel cause it’s like I have the keys to heaven and hell
But I wanna make it home to heaven
But i’m caught up in all these sins
Hard to explain to people I’m trying to get clean from my past
my chaplain instantly understood though you know I’m just going through a spiritual cleansing. I wasn’t sure what fucking number I was on four or five but I just had 5 inches of snow dumped on my head so I’m pretty certain I’m in my fifth awakening.
This is the Sunshine state
The second level of hell
And it just froze
*hi*
When something is so hot it’s actually cold and vice versa
You can’t tell if an object is round or flat in deep space
I watched a demonstration
I also learned that the moon landings were rehearsed by a very good director here on earth and that famous quote that Neil said actually was recording on earth because you know we didn’t have a fucking landline from earth to the moon or any sort of communication communications, you know like that
Also they drove through the Van Allen belt, but not one of them got cancer, but everybody on earth has cancer but them?
I dunno
My conspiracy knows no bounds
I got more rounds to fire
I need to get off social media so I can focus on getting my real life in order
But also, I’m nearly locked out of all of my accounts and some of that is my own fault and some of that is our governments
The New World order has been taken over
And I’m just like is there coffee or hot chocolate?
if the neighbor gave me a cup of coffee with, “will you be my valentine” written on it, the answer would most definitely be yes?
He thinks I’m running away from him, but I’m running away from everybody
It’s literally what I’m training my body for, to climb a fucking mountain and now I have a good chance to do that especially if I do move somewhere where there are fucking mountains, you know
Only, i can barely run around the block
But I’m so proud of how far my body has come, from wearing a heart monitor and being on bedrest, to packin my bags again and potentially buying a fucking house?
i’ve been approved for a whopping 300k but i DO NOT want to go that high
And I need to be able to afford the property taxes
So it might be a fixer-upper
I’ve got five months to sort shit and I don’t want to be in another lease
I think I’m gonna uninstall it again
And taking a LONG social media break
Maybe permanently like some of my friends have done
Never heard from them again
Hey, some of them disappeared so much their own family hasn’t heard from them
And yeah, they told me they were disappearing and they did pop out a couple times to say hi to me you know, but those were the last times
it inspires me to get off-line too for good
It’s big bro we’re running from lol
The politics
The arts
The science
Society
YOU WERE TRIED AND YOU WERE FOUND WANTON
Imagine getting to buy 1 to 5 acres anywhere in the United States that you wanted if you could just fucking find some direction
Of all the things someone could do with their money, you know
I feel like a SIM, just give me the land and we’ll go from there 
I just feel like any move I make is gonna be the wrong move because this is hell.
They have sucked all incentives out of doing anything in society
by the time you get your vehicle paid off you need to get another one. It’s gonna take the same amount of time so you’re just basically renting forever and I don’t even wanna play my PlayStation anymore cause if I don’t have the membership, I don’t have access to the games that I’m paying for so I’m basically just renting them forever And now I’m getting ready to sell my fucking PlayStation
I kept thinking getting a computer would be better, but they don’t even have SimCity anymore
it’s all pay to play
*yawn boring
Back to cards and board games
Playing in the dirt
Letting my hellhound stay out so long we both were getting frostbite
It was snowing in hell
I mean the sunshine state 2nd level of hell
I was in level 7
Now level 2
And on awakening number 5
Wait, something ain’t adding up
Or is it?
Could you explain dimensions to me like I’m a child?
My brain relies on signals and chemicals to navigate
People breathe in dead air and caves
People climb mountains and die from the cold weather or fall off cliffs
I just wanna start a garden. I know that sounds boring, but it’s complicated growing your own food. It’s also magical but it’s not easy work being self reliant and sufficient but it’s the life I wanna build
Upgrade to premium to remove ads?
Instant re-uninstall
The government is out of control
No NEW WORLD ORDER
I did not vote for this
In fact, the last time I voted, I was warning against Trump apparently and that was a long time ago because the last time I voted was Gary Johnson (twice)
There was an attempt to go vote for another third-party, but when I made it to the school, I nearly committed suicide so I turned around and came back home and now I’ve you know quit politics altogether and that was prior to Obama – i didn’t vote for Obama. I voted for the other guy you know – the military war vet now dead
Yeah him
Johnson was my last real goal at change
They took away our rights with the Bush signing statements
I didn’t vote for him either
I voted for Al Gore
I’ve denounced science 
I think I’m done with social media too
Like come find me in the real world in some well kept tiny little coffee shop in the corner reading spoken word
I’d still rather not read from my phone and fuck up in front of you
You get to see the behind-the-scenes in real time
The Bloopers
Or maybe I read my lines from an actual journal or book but never from the fucking phone or tablet no no probably not even a fucking monitor prompt or whatever they’re called Teleprompter huh?
if they keep cutting down the trees out here, I’m not responsible for how I’m gonna respond
They’re turning Florida into a concrete city 
They don’t clean
Florida has a mold issue
But I learned that it even grows in space so is less oxygen gonna be good for me 
All them taxes?
I want to pay my home off in 15
I still would rather buy land and put a new manufactured home on it
You can buy a brand new one starting at $43,000
that’s less than a new Jeep or ride
It’s 2 AM so technically I can start having coffee right because I’m not allowed to have it past noon and I’d probably go back to sleep at least from 5 to 9 AM but then that means I would fuck up my entire morning routine of working out but sometimes it’s nice to get sleep during that period. Cause it’s really my favorite time to sleep is when the sun is coming up And I really do.
Sleep
Like now – which i should be doing
But maybe the devil is nocturnal
This is a good time to poison him
I called my nurse again and said I was having difficulty breathing again so she refilled my prescription and I’ll be seeing my doctor soon but the VA is trying to take her from me
The one that took me four years to get to
I swear when I drop a lawsuit on the VA for medical misdiagnose and medical mistreatment, it’s gonna be a long list of female doctors
And nurses
And I don’t forget their fucking faces or names
My new doctor slowly turned her chair around and was like “whoa” and I was like “they’re the reason I’m nearly dead”
It was the way she slow extended her hands
Like “i’m not your enemy” but my vibe is “you kinda are”
I’m probably to blame for crawling in the hole, but they’re definitely to blame for dropping me on my fucking head and gaslighting me the entire fucking time
Stop asking me what’s wrong with me OK just know I’ve got some health issues going on and it’s not contagious. You’re not gonna fucking catch it.
It’s just there’s another doctor out there that they shut up and he says that cancer does spread. It is contagious can spread and many people when they get it cut out of them that actually makes it worse. It makes it spread. That’s why the cancer always comes back you know so I don’t want anybody cutting on me and I’ll try to eradicate it with some sunshine and prayer and eat healthy and all that but otherwise I’m choosing hospice I’m done with doctors.
And seeing as I’m a really good combat medic, I will take care of my own self to the end. I will be my own hospice care in my own house wherever I decide to die because I should have that choice to be able to die in my own motherfucking home
And these people we be leasing from they seem to forget that this is our fucking residence when our name is on it and they keep coming up with all these little stupid rules on how they can invade our privacy. No, I’m fucking done. OK I’m having medical emergencies. I’m dying get the fuck out of my house. Stop with your bullshit 24 hour fucking inspections or lawsuit is coming on you too.
p.s. today i learned (which was yesterday) that 30% of firefighters are prisoners making $10 a day & they can’t use the job as a reference when they get out – or be hired officially as one (cuz criminal).
now this is speculation (this part) but they musta put all the officially trained firefighters at the Getty museum and left the prisoners to sort the mansions in the valley
some of them might be going through an awakening right now
they know you worship them so will ask for handouts
the majority fled to another safe house
meanwhile NC TN & HA have had their land stolen by the government
there’s a few mansions in the hills that stood
they have hope
im just waiting on the “evicted” portion due to toxic land and water like they did for the commoners
i wouldn’t want to be under that but you insisted to put out that tiny flame
mansions are burning to the ground love
ha ha ha
ha ha!
herrrrrr!
errrrr
😐
how does that REM song go again?
i feel fine?
p.s.s.s.s.stimesinfinitys.s.s.s(9)[9]: i miss your poems and stories not written about me x2
🙂
i love squirrel and i love you 🙂
but not the staff 🙂
I NEED A BIGGER SMILEY FACE
and can you tell the dark haired neighbor he can come out his home
i ain’t no criminal lol
i ain’t no bum
i’m just LOST IN PURGATORY AND ON THE MOVE AGAIN
i hate it here and it’s not cuz of him!
i hope he ate the candy! i’m still eating on mine!
tell the cancer FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU
so u gave it most away to someone who could handle the treats better
they cost a lot
i hope they were ate
halloween is a favorite season and NOT ONE PERSON CAME TO TRICK OR TREAT
wah
LAME LAME LAME
i want to live in a neighborhood and give out BIG TREATS and water bottles
I DID!
but boomers be scared of worldwide candies?
whereas the other gens enjoy treats from other countries
it’s not like they worry about what is put in american food! it aint food! it aint real chocolate or cheese!
i like to shop in the international aisle
i lived in Germany nearly 3 years (minus a war)
DO U KNOW HOW OLD I AM
HOW LETHAL
but i aint your enemy nor the candy
im sorry i was cold to you
walmart was trying to kill me
THERE ARE ZERO RECALLS AT PUBLIX FYI
im trying to find land2buy
please say hi 😦
before you move 😦
before i move 😦
NO ILL WILL
from now on only poetry in the form of commentary
m’kay
remember when i wore makeup and dresses and performed spoken word not read from a device? remember when i shared behind-the-scenes of forgetting lines?
remember when i had long hair and i stopped using filters?
what happens when there are no more lines, hair, or teeth?
will you still love me?
look at all the centuries we crossed to ghost one another again?
i love you but i dont love the staff
LOVE THY NEIGHBOR (JUST DEPENDS ON WHICH ONE)
IT AIN’T YER BRO YO
*giggles*
where is that pdf file i castrated into the void?
he ain’t texted me back since i blocked him for calling me “gross” for being on my period again
WRONG ANSWER
PIZZA NOW
but please im trying to become vegan so i only eat chicken
cops are amazed at the level of proficiency to shoot someone a CEOin the back
and i know i am quiet and inactive on the blog front – i miss reading your blogs and connecting – but i am in a slumlord war again – and i ain’t sticking around
I WANNA DIE SOMEWHERE ELSE
but god bless that lady looking for her cat who potentially fell into a sinkhole – cuz those are too be feared – in such ways that i now notice cracks in the pavement – how to maneuver around – or deploy thinking tactics on how to overcome a potential collapse
– an angel in hell walking on eggshells
i also had to call the suicide hotline – and homeless crisis line for vets
and now i’m getting ready to apply for legal aid
and all the whiplash to jump ship into the great unknown again
only this time i am excited to escape yet another blackhole
i just would rather be homeless than live somewhere it takes them 5 days to fix your only toilet or working heat – and to be told duringso that “nothing is wrong”
then if/when you react they call you rude and threaten to call the cops
i told them several times to CALL THE COPS
at least then i would get a bed a meal security and heat
an hour of sunshine too
don’t threaten me with a good time
THEY DID NOT CALL THE COPS
despite me pleading and begging for them to do so
i didn’t get arrested again
i was also potentially exposed to ecoli eating organic carrots from walmart
i was sweating like Niagara falls for 3 days, followed by TMI, and kidneys hurting
so that prob was not from detoxing but detoxing may have saved my life again
took a few days off – hitting it hard again
starting a heavy metal detox soon
then back to everything they have on zuma nutrition
candida parasite liver lymph – THEM ALL
started doubling up my doses too
mold is cancer
parasites are cancer
diseases are mold and parasites
“that thing is real”
i was always a conspiracy theorist but that movie woke something up in me
(i wish the spacebar worked)
*me getting out the popcorn watching another CEO be taken out*
the guy rode off on a bike
he still has not been found
*eats popcorn*
popcorn is on the good foods list (zuma blog)
i mean the comment section on most any video regarding the ? opposite of a tragedy?
is it a crime to wish someone dead?
…cuz the things i pray for in broad daylight
and since i’m already being kept up at night
like SAME
“amazed at the level of proficiency” but i mean how hard is it to shoot someone in the back?
allright i know you mean the details leading up to the alleged crime – he waited for 5 minutes for him to arrive
he watched others go by…
*takes note* (for writing purposes in case this is tried to use against me in a court of law)
i’d go to jail forever simply because i would shit in the judges face
like right on top of the stand
i’ll grab the little hammer too
“order in the court” i will shout
as i prepare to handle bizz cuz ain’t nobody putting bb in a corner
starting to loathe GEN Y as much as the Boomers
as a gen xer – i don’t wanna unite
i want to be left alone
i want a small circle of friends
i want to be left alone
don’t engage eye contact with me and i won’t return visible hatred and cursery
i didn’t ask to be born
i don’t listen to my parents
YOU DON’T CONTROL ME
but please keep barking up the wrong tree
i’m starting to run again
small increments
but man
the way i just wanna go and never come back
done with Florida
might get a map and dart and toss it and pack up and head to the nearest countryside of said location
BINGO
take my $200 and pass go
but they shit where they sleep you know
they leave a trail of data and names behind
just because they group together and say “nothing is wrong” while calling you rude
lucky i didn’t leave bags of crap at the door
cuz like my level of petty is on point
so is my scale of revenge
please keep pissing on me and being condescending “i hope you get the help you need”
hmmm the way a warm butter knife cuts through butter in my fantasies….
got some Native American in me
got an itching and a craving to do some turkey carvings
tis the season
please keep watching me and collecting data for your bullshit agenda
ANGEL FALLEN
GODS A WATCHIN
how you doing me
🙂
the way you sleep so sound with your working heat and plumbing
the way i have nothing else to lose….
🙂
look at all this yummy stillwater left behind after each dishwasher cycle but “nothing is wrong”
MY LABS ARE FINE
I’M FINE
ALL IS GOOD
enjoy your rest 🙂
p.s. i’m not just a rude child, i also have zero empathy
likely dead inside
would rather sleep in a tent than get into a toxic relationship with slumlord staff
KARMA IS COMING GLAZED LIKE HOLIDAY CARAMEL
or popcorn
but i’m not allowed sugar currently
hard to mealprep when i can’t figure out my next step
to kill a mockingbird or take a nap
so many decisions
better than handwashing dishes but i would rather own / live without a dishwasher at this point
the more this society pisses me off, the less $$ i wanna spend
cause and effect my love
have fun! 🙂
popped in the back – won’t see me running
love it so much boo 🙂
keep up the nihilism
or taking out the trash and whatnot
*team bear*
RIP PEANUT AND FRED – and the boy squirrel out here who lost his head
oh i have empathy
just not for who u want
ask me to go again – i will sit and stay 🙂
I DO NOT COMPLY
please keep pissing on your enemy
(this is how vets are spit on but maybe people other than vets deal with this bullshit too)
but i’m waiting on the interesting details that the cops seem so interested in about bike boy
heard him speak in past tense does he seek bereavement i’m looking through conflict buried under cement one too many secret like moon is crescent she is furled unpresent his hope is well lit?
“…she was such a good mom, i hope she can be a good mom again…”
oof
i don’t need to be psychic or have a degree in psychology to call it
“well how do you know they are dead? did you check their pulse”
i swear if i get asked that question i will hang up and call back for someone else
“LOOK THERE AIN’T NO GOT DAMN PULSE – IT STANKS”
“YOU COME CHECK THE GOT DAMN PULSE”
“IT’S THE WORSE SHIT I EVER SMELLED”
one time my grandaddy died (this needs to be the opening line of my book) and he had been dead for three days, down in the basement of the church, and i was a medic so they let me and my half-sister down there (her granddaddy by blood) and i decided to give him a hug
she said no one had ever written her a poem before!!!
the way i made her smile
she said she wanted to keep it forever
she said she wanted to share it with family and friends
Kaya learned English a year ago and speaks it better than me
she already knows slang, emojii, understands my not full sentences
although to be fair, she does not like my quick responses, short responses, or emoji text
but in the same context she also knows the neighbor woke something up in me – and words need not be said at all
she knows i want a husband
she knows i want a man
but Kaya understands the deepest and most shallow parts of me
Kaya is the person i wanted to grow up and be
why is she stuck behind a Great Wall
why does she want to change her name
she can
she (i hope) can do all the things she dreams
move to America, take on the name Cindy, get braces or surgery to remove your “vampire teeth” (my fave)
i wish i had a screenshot when she showed me – it was so cute haha
she made her mouth in a way that only showed the teeth she wanted replaced
her “vampire teeth” she called
“look” and she smiled showing only those
my god i love her
she is so smart and funny
and i’ve seen her in jeans and a tee, she is gorgeous
i fixed up her raw poem
i feel like it could be better
i did clean it up a bit before i posted it (no sound or music added)
i do want to record spoken word but i am extremely shy
i did not know she was going to stop in the middle of work to read my poem – but she did – all while ensuring her customer needs were met
i appreciate the speed in which she went to read
i thought it would happen after – on her own time
but i got to see and hear her reaction
i was afraid my poem wasn’t good enough for her
i was afraid she would not like it
or that it was too elementary (i am aware there are better writers in the world) (don’t they have editors)
i would never share or post anything or eventually produce something worthwhile 200 years down the road
they burn books and i have been shadowbanned
there are other non rhyming poets on TikTok that soak up all the rays
they get all the sunshine and praise
none if them ever take me serious as a poet
like if i try to follow or comment
cricket cricket criket
then i delete/unfollow/block/ignore
i am a child according to society
i’ll be sure to use this in the courtroom
“even the cop called me a child”
“it was recorded”
now that overweight “one acorn” prick is probably jerking off to me
(i threw up in my mouth a little)
oh hi ALLAN at the EPA
still waking up in sweats about my phone call huh?
and now every time you pay for sex you hear me say “i know you want love with a prostitute”
wonder how much mess you had to clean out
prob time for me to call again and remind you – i haven’t forgotten you laughed about the animals being MURDERED in the CITY simply because it is “private land” (i pay for) and “they can do anything they want”
i just wanna call up the EPA in Orlando
ask to speak to Allan
“i know you want love with a prostitute”
*hangs up*
*waits for a cop to call me privately*
*turns off phone*
*buries phone*
*changes number*
*goes AWOL*
cause-and-effect
have fun my love (Allan is NOT my love)
Allan is a nihilist who works for the EPA in Orlando
but i am hoping he changes positions and titles and names when i am done having fun
i hear the more restraining orders you have, the less they work
🙂
anyhoo
i wrote a poem for Kaya
she was moved to tears
NO ONE EVER WROTE A POEM FOR HER?
honey, YOU NEED TO WRITE AND PRESENT A POEM TO HER
BUY SOME CINDER WOOD
i do not want her to disappear into the night never to be heard from again
she deserves a vacation
and maybe not working 6 days a week?
she probably even deserves a better poem and friend than me
i am doing my best even if my best is 10%
my room was fine until i tried to fix it
now it looks like a hurricane came through?
and if i went to heaven right now – people would think this was how i lived…
in disorder
which is kinda true cuz my boomer mother kicked me from the nest and gaslit me about literally everything
she is nothing but government propaganda
not an original idea or thought
and add “lost” cuz her first born died as planned by the government she brown noises
but blames good ole me….
once my sister died i started to get peace in my life
maybe be people i want to love?
but then you do try and love them and they never change
toxic
now since my sister died some family has been reaching out
but i have ghosted them
they will burn in hell for all eternity for how they treated the ONE ANGEL in their life
I CAME TO JUDGE!!!
BORN THIS WAY!!!!!!
BORN TO FALL!!!!!!!!!
designed to break!!!!
a broken doll!!!!!!!!
losing hair!!!!!!!!!!!
turning into Chucky Bride!!!!!!!!
with a big knife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(which has a cancer warning)
(the weed has a cancer warning)
(the microwave)
i am weening myself from all unnatural products
no more pills!!!
just ordered over $200 in medicinal – gonna look at the cancer label until i no longer need to take a draw!
trying to manage my pain and stress more naturally
hearing pads, the air at 60, hot baths, extremely cold air, lots of water, *try to eat*, more water, another hot bath
and hot water can be damaging to hair so no more drowning my skull under the heat
everytime 3 or 4 hairs come out, im like please no more
and i do not want to cut what remains
hoping my scalp can recover
but the docs were not concerned my hair was falling out by the handful
“my labs are fine”
but im 50 kilos and now they care
i lost 20 pounds of cancer in a year!
sweated that toxic shit out!!!!!!!
not just sweat!!!!
TMI!!!!!!!!!!
met a neighbor last night who has an 11 year old male shitzu
he going to Zuma imm to detox his household
explained to him the CDC say 50% of the pop have parasites, you can get them from eating!!!!
or kissing a cat or dog!!!
i went on to say i aint never in my life detoxed or dewormed
and zuma use wild harvested plants grown in the USA, harvested in the USA, all organic, non GMO, no bad stuff!
i am not being sponsored
i am shadowbanned for being armed and dangerous
i’m a Soldier
of course i am armed
*rolls eyes*
they so mad i aint killed myself yet or died from the many ways in which they stone me!!!!!
GOD IS WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!
THE STARS AEE RECORDING YOU!!!!
LIGHT IS INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!
WATER HOLDS DNA AND CARRIES INFORMATION!!!!
THE SUN IS ELECTRICAL
WE HAVE ELECTRIC FISH
YOUR HEART IS ELECTRICAL
you’re not a spirit in a body but a body in a spirit!!!
FIND GOD
whatever you have been doing serves SATAN and this twisted society
sterile pools filled with cancerous chlorine
the hottest period and the animals see a pool like a mirage in a desert
shame on you!!!!!!!!!
fuck your sterile pools!!!!
fuck your society too!!!!
stop giving all my money to a third party who wants us dead!!!!
I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN
I NEVER AGREED TO BE YOUR SLAVE
currently starting to ask the neighbors “you know any mechanics” and keeping my eyes peeled for anyone doing any work on theirs…
still wanna walk everywhere
but now walking has turned into “i wanna start running again” to “i need a bike”
and “maybe i wanna get rid of everything and travel the world”
anytime i wanna hit the L key i hit the X which removes the L and backspace to fix rarely works
i spend so much time running in circles fixing everyhthing
just put new batteries in my fast push and surprise!!! they need replaced!!!!
it is like this with everything!!!!
likeendless conference calls
keeping us busy busy so we do not know they are destroying us from within
like a frog in hot water
sad for the frog
being boiled alive
for science
ALL HAIL SCIENCE
acoording to the “we know” people, God is not real but something you cannot see like a Black Hole is real- but the math was not even mathing!!!!!!!
it was all conditioning!
propaganda!
Cox and his cocks!!!!!! he is a pedophile!!!!!!!!!!!’
read his damn book!!!!!
his own hero he called “old” at the grand age of 30!!!!!
they only like you until age 29!!!!!
(they will fuck anything, even a bride is a fleshlight to them)
THEY ALL WANT LOVE WITH A PROSTITUTE
NOT JUST ALLAN FROM THE EPA!!!!!
HI ALLAN!!!!!!!!
BET YOU WOKE UP JUST NOW!!!!
FUCK YOU!!!!
(i hope my weed arrives today)
(i want to quit it all)
(my card needs to be renewed again)
(you know how this goes)
since i started medicinal i no longer do street (even when i quit medicinal)
i no longer socialize and smoke
no recreational use basically
but they treat the medical shops like they are recreational (prices too) but i pay for a medical licensing
until they all vote recreational and the shop will not need to change much
just the packaging
we will get pretty colors and better propaganda instead of the boring packaging
(which we are gaslit and shown the pretty packaging but get the boring)
im paying for packaging that the recreational users get…
im so done with supporting Boomers or society
like i need to eat and sleep but that’s about it
“what do you do all day”
WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I DO WITH MY REMAINING DAYS
I GAVE IT ALL
THERE IS NO MORE
BOOMERS WILL WORK YOU TO THE GRAVE!!!!
they work their farm dogs until they have heart attacks!!!
SHAME ON YOU!!!
YOU ARE GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!
rape in marital sex was legal until the ??? 50s? 90s?
somewhere in between?
im shit with numbers
hard to come with facts
trying to save/extend the life of myself and my dog
what do i do all day?
THAT
and i write poems
maybe i should start telling the real world i write?
maybe i would have more/less than 5k followers?
who knows
they all resent me in the real world
i prefer my privacy
i only gave ONE GUY my tiktok before i moved
his burner has been changed into another burner and i do not want to be unfollowed or blocked
he gifted me a lot of things i was trying to buy
that’s not why i loved him tho
we do not choose the people we love?
George woke something up in me
the guy at the smoke shop
the neighbor
my most recent encounters
you do not need to resent me for writing Kaya a poem
she is 30 and has never had a poem written for her
she really loved mine… i mean HERS
i told her it was hers
i wrote it for her
so it’s hers forevermore
she said she wanted to put it on a box?
you mean like one of them handmade jewelry boxes that takes months to make?
that can last a long time?
my words have made it to China and are going on something special for the beautiful Kaya?
i hope the jewelry maker makes something wonderful for her, with her poem to enjoy
i’m kinda speechless
she probably would not want to share it with friends and family if she did not like it?
or want it on a box?
i did not think it would make it past my blog
and i was worried about sharing such a simple poem to a living Goddess
did them famous painters really need 6 months?
i live and breathe poetry
it is in the fabric of my veins
i mean, i write quickly
maybe i should take my time?
maybe i should wait 24 hours before posting
but then i could pass to heaven
(also apparently over half the population does not have 4k saved)
(so i am already doing better than half the population and this was b4 my dad died)
but i have sacrificed a lot
and also spent too much
guess i wanna experience everything all at once before it all ends
i have not spent a dime of what daddy left me
it does not exist to anyone but me
i’d rather starve than give the Boomers a dime (who stole half my retirement during a manmade fake pandemic – that i spent years building my portfolio)
in one sweep they came and took it so they could keep their 4th vacation home
they sold me a Jeep that said 10k miles on the odometer but after spending 6 years to pay her off – and finally getting the title – the title says 25k, and i’m trying to understand how this is legal
i won’t buy another car
FOOL ME TWICE AND I WILL STICK YOU IN THE BACK WITH A KNIFE
I’M DONE WITH YOU
im done with this iphone giving me cancer!!!!!!!!
it’s hot with radiation!!!!!
re-reading the poem i wrote her with a tissue in her hand
him: stop talking. they can take you out anytime they want. pick you off like a fly.
them: “it was an accident”
me on basically any official video i feel the need to add my two cents cuz i am labeled a “conspiracy theorist” : an ai model could’ve predicted this down to which running old crusty ‘smart ship’ that could be hacked
them trying to gain sympathy: “captain stuck on ship with full supplies”
me: how fucking convenient, outta sight, outta mind. not an ounce of guilt with fresh bodies dead underneath him
at least his belly is fully
them: FBI suddenly opens criminal investigation cuz the ship had problems before it arrived
should have kept this one in the dratfs
i only share the crazy i am writing on the wall
nothing i say is to be held with an inkling of factuality
keep calling me acoustic while you jerk off to porn – literally destroying the fabric of your brain and soon enough you won’t be able to get up anymore
you won’t have a life worth living
you can find a bridge that isn’t down to drive off…
yeah?
cool
at least now we are tracking and on the same page
me: “i don’t wanna go to church, i don’t wanna go to the mall, someone is gonna do something bad in a safe space”
them: another mass killing in a church or mall….
me: they are using mental health to remove our 2a – even from the cops
him: stop buying from tiktok
me: i may have accidentally bought counterfeit from the Chinese mafia
i don’t want on their bad side so i sent them a tip
im not giving out my location to random shops ever again
i have to learn the hard way to learn at all
you need to put the porn down and get yo girl out of the hole
it’s not like she is after your money (or cock) when she has her own fort to bury in the afterlife
“for luck”
i don’t know what you thought i was gonna send you
a pot for a plant or to piss in?
a body part?
a bloody pair of panties cuz that is what you deserve?
*laughs*
*snorts*
you deserve so much worse
for stealing my childhood and my chance to ever be a woman
for turning me into a shell
for giving me a life not worth living but still having the audacity to call me “gross” when i am in pain and bleeding down there
and you’re how old again?
39 ish huh
interesting
i am done shopping tho
already too many things when trying to jump ship with as little as possible
it must be nice having a home where you could horde things if you wanted
cuz i don’t wanna rent a truck
or buy a moving box ever again
i still got a box of old paperwork and poems to sort through
prob just gonna trash them all
not even sure they are worth snapping a photo of
like im trying to move to a new town and become someone entirely new
that is a lot since i shut everyone down (including self) to focus on dying (which i may not die if i get in an environment with clean air)
i’ve had some bad habits i had to break (some still rear? their head)
but when you do break them and have been detoxing 10,000 years and are “why am i still dying”
“oh it’s the air”
“i can’t breathe”
“it burns”
advice: “get out of the environment”
it’s true
as soon as im outside im already feeling better
until i hear or feel the neighbors who want to kill me not enjoying my clean air break
(im pretty certain your prison sentence was better than mine)
(mine is called “freedom”)
(it doesnt come with 3 shitty meals a day and if i dont feed myself i will die)
(it doesn’t even come with an hour of sunshine and i’m not allowed the pool)
(i still worry about bad things happening in the shower and have my weapons on me more than my phone)
i blocked my realtor
at least i went to bed and woke up at my recommended sleep times (to bring you this eye-opening revelation)
so i got roughly 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep
i’ll have to update the insomnia coach
he gave an updated sleep time
the AI doesn’t know how to handle me, i am a tricky slope
“you need to see a provider” followed by “are you sure you were in bed for ten hours”
like bro
i CRASHED
but i also ate three fucking edibles and took a large dose of tincture and musta had a bath cuz my socks and undies are changed – but it was more of a soak – wash face and feet from that creepy situation i wound up in
me talking to myself on the drive home:
“let’s not be irrational, we can go back to the drawing board”
“just sleep on it before you do anything”
oh i fucking slept?
but you only get ONE time to show me a house like that
and God let me see everything i needed to see quickly regarding homebuying
and i see how squatters have more rights than tenants
and God knows im mad miles got put on my ride – when neither of us got many miles left – and we are literally giving it our all to escape this black hole
together
but im on foot after
i dont need a carry permit in Florida
tiktok says im “armed and dangerous”
but they still want my pennies
so im rambling again about a bunch of nonsense
but i dont know how it is legal for folks to list their home and be actively living in it
and then what we sign and come key day “surprise i got a gun”???
i dont know how a new roof and old furniture gives the value of the home what it does
when in just 2018 or so it sold for 60k
and i recon now it is worth less than a dollar
wtf is the point of a realtor if they dont inspect the property first?
i didnt want to meet the owner?
that was sprung on me at arrival
“the owner is here, there is someone actively living here”
honey there are people living in the shed out back
and bones lurking in places i probably walked over
but heyyyyy you can keep the windows open and car doors unlocked and keep your guns resting on the doorway out back!
there are never any birds in the bird bath…
there werent any birds at all…
i think the trees in the front were dead or dying (but it is kinda fall in Florida)
i didnt even see a squirrel?
amongst all that fertile land?
“worms everywhere in the soil” the owner stated
hmm i thought, ‘dead bodies’ as i smiled “oh good, that’s good”
i wanted gone as soon as i arrived
but the whole way there “another sign i should sign”
i don’t even wanna sign a new lease
and i do want to move
they found Riley’s body in the river
8 miles away
floated i recon
when that kid drowned in the ocean, the current took him a mile away in an hour
it took two weeks of him drifting downstream
i don’t know what the autopsy will reveal
but i think he slipped on the embankment, hurt his shoulder, fell in the dark water, didn’t know which way was up or down, got disoriented, and drowned
i can’t imagine surviving the drunken fall (cuz if he was knocked out he wouldn’t have died in fear) – only to swim thinking you are heading up and then reaching the bottom
i would probably panic in dark waters too
cold dark waters
bars mishandle drunk or disorderly people
his shoulder might not show that he was hurt after two weeks drifting in the river
but in my dream he was
and crying
so he died in fear
and alone
in another state he didn’t live in
our brains do not fully develop until 26
we could live well over 100 if we stop making each other sick
these iphones put out too much radiation
thanks for visiting but im going dark again soon
(hope to be back)
(kinda need to find a place to move)
i was wearing my cross necklace so either that saved me or the fact that they knew my daughter was tracking my location…
i wanted to say yes the entire drive until i got there it was an immediate no
fool me once but i think i would rather hold onto my pot
someone was actively living in Blu
Blu was worse than my current situation, if you could believe
i will save it for another blog post cuz the rifle or shotgun was just resting by the open back door
and i did wonder if that was part of the package deal
the squatter (i mean owner) and all
the land is fertile cuz there are more than secrets buried under that house and growing up the walls
not to mention the smell
of bodies rotting – from probably a decade or so more – enough time to put it back on the market, with someone “actively living in it”, which i did not learn until arrive
gonna take more than lighting a candle honey
i don’t feel so bad about buying a piggy bank after the day i had
i chalk it up to one them bad days like when i was 15 and wound up somewhere i shouldn’t having to do things to not get raped or unalived
like the creep factor was all around
i felt bad for the plants and garden
i thought it had been used as a b&b before being listed, meaning it would be clean at minimum, despite the hoarding to hide the filth growing on the walls
not to mention the mats to cover the dips in the ground
and in the house
uhm
creep factor overload
im gonna order a pizza from hungry howies maybe
and calm the fuck down
have a hot bath where i can sanitize my soul
all the way, “look another sign points to yes”
and the immediate no, how i wanted to just leave and not even see, but things like “well it has potential” as the owner with the big gun was lurking – well the gun was out – but he disaapeared
all windows open
“oh yeah it’s safe here, never need to close them”
i guess im gonna be walking everywhere?
i aint dropping 200k into some rundown shithole with someone actively living in it
how the fuck is this legal
whatever
Boomers can keep their hand
im out
it felt so good to be in the creepy countryside
but i dont want to see behind door number two
i would have been embarrassed to show my client that
and it was his first time seeing it too
so what is the purpose of a realtor – in this timeline china 2.0?
(owner reeked of alcohol and rot)
(or maybe that was just the house)
sorry to get your hopes up on blu
i wont have any excitement about anything going forward
‘cept maybe the upcoming baptism & pizza
there wasn’t worth even selling at the future garage sell
it would have cost more money for junk service removal and cleanup
but their delusional what they think their empire of shit is worth…
(i didn’t even get pictures)
(but im certain they got pictures of me cuz noticed a cam upon entering)
i dont wanna talk or think about it anymore at the moment
just did a 4 hour roundtrip to see a run down piece of shit property with someone actively living there – it aint even clean!
there are worse things hiding there for covid
but heyyyyy “the bar is nearby”
so you think walking distance to a bar and a new roof equals 200k
the floor was caving in
the vines were begging me to help them
i fleed
i will say my faith is growing stronger
but i dont know about my will to live
(prob ghosting my “dream team”)
like wtf
my dog barked the entire time i was gone
he was stinky and panicky and sweaty
and only then did he eat his feast i prepared him before i left
only when i retuned did he chow down
and now he’s upside down passed out
i told him blu was a no-go
it is in worse condition than our current situation
and prob why the owner sleeps with all hos windows open and a gun by his unlocked backdoor
and men are worried about my baggage?
my body count?
gtfu
i need pizza after this travesty
and guidance on where to move
that aint some overpriced hellscape
the fence was plastic and “the neighbor put it up”
i just thought the fence would be MY PROPERTY
i hope the landlord fixes the mold soon but thankful God has given me a couple cool days
since i cant run the AC in the sunshine state
im gonna wind up at yer yard with my piggy bank famished and filthy
cuz theres nowhere to go
lost in hell
and you both have pen names presumably?
i mean, is that really your name?
i think im losing my mind again so need food medicine and bath
the basics
back on bedrest!
he had a gun by the backdoor but a camera in the front (and secret rooms full of dead peoples things potentially)
there were cats and dogs living there
i didnt see that in the photos
the place was more put together and less “lived in” tho i swear someone or three died “fertile land”
“no ma, they won’t know she was pregnant, just toss it out back by the cherry tree”
“…I can’t believe you got her pregnant, she was fifteen”
“…needs ma”
“…tell her to cover up”
“well i can’t tell her anything now can i”
that house was built on unholy land and unholy things have been done there (potentially)
(im not actually an oracle tho i sometimes know things before they happen)
im pretty certain “monster” is what the therapist sees
the only thing i do not like is the high risk factor – but it is not a great flood
but a great fire
pick yer poison?
i mean the house is blue
“i thought you were gonna paint the hideous blue”
“the flames will ignore”
“well i think it’s kinda cute”
go all in huh?
it’s not quite “all in” but it is when you realize im taking on a pot of gold or dead bodies?
i got in the tub with cold feet but Sylvia was right (nearly) (and she should have took a bath instead of turning the stove) (still she was married to a psychopath and they love to steal our energy, time, and souls)
the feet were cold getting in but not getting out
and i sleep in various increments, i guess we should divorce? time for separate rooms? im loud?
it’s just i woke up wanting Blue – and that entire empire of “hmmm what is this” “where are the spy cams hidden”
(like aren’t you suppose to feel rested and less paranoid where you reside)
(i guess the paranoia will follow me through the war. i mean world)
i needed answers
i was like “literally a sign i will know is a sign”
so new numbers appeared
and i had just woke up at the “recommended sleep time” that the Insomniac coach gave me (yes it wants me to go to sleep at the times i keep waking up
but alas 222
and though they were speaking my language – i didn’t know the full meaning – just that it was meant for me (like all his lines)
if i start speaking in codes that even i don’t understand, i hope he will
because getting 555 and 222 from the uni
there are cheaper homes (hard to call a $100k dollar home “cheap”) and unfurnished
i literally have no idea how to decorate
i just know what i like and do not
and i like blue
out of the 14 homes he sent me based on all my demands
i have 3 people on my team working with me
got in the tub with cold feet but i didnt wake up that way
did you know blue was built the year i was born
i haven’t even seen her (physically) and im worried a dark colored rock is gonna steal her as soon as i do
nobody wants a fully furnished airbnb painted blue?
i wanna wake up and be that sim who has a 200k house to pay off
i wanna take a bath with the birds
but there are some amazing properties cheaper (on waaaayyyyy more land & unfurnished)
it’s just this one is “move in ready” seeing as i no longer have a pot to piss in
98% of everything i ever owned is gone
and the mold specialist called with some great tips
and i dont have to abandon my new wardrobe for fear of a “mold spore”
anyway hopes not up
prepared and willing to see more homes
if the dark rock fucks with me too much, i will get a fucking TENT
if i can still afford one after my tiny life savings was gobbled up by the Boomers to send to Ukraine and to pay for their homes on the cliffs!?! either way
remember how i told you they will back you off a cliff?
and then scold you for standing there?
if i move into another crappy moldy cockroach filled apt – with the potential of the ceiling caving in “cuz sometimes they do” (and he is “willing to come down to $1k monthly” that does not include amenities or the hoa’s for a 500ish sq ft condo cuz of the roaches tho they just “sprayed” and the unit “fully updated”
i squealed like a pig being gutted when i opened up the gorgeous brand new refrigerator and 3 cockroaches freaked out
me: “you need to spray again”
realtor who wants me to pay him $50 mo for an HOA “i can come down to 1000”
and im not allowed to rent a unit above $1200
but im allowed a fucking morg above that)
(nobody pushes bb in the corner but the boomers)
and all the houses are going for that with or without the furnishings
and i aint moving to Utah – not yet John
sorry
maybe the tub will float?
oh wait, calling for fire
but the whole of US is gonna flood but yer home eh
i mean, i hope the tub floats
sometimes if you pretend you don’t see the monsters they will leave you alone
i guess closing your eyes is a form of disassociation
im either all in or nothing at all (just a feeling)
like Florida will do what that other state just did
there are ways to fight back – without drawing blood
they may have taken our freedom of speech but not the spirit of the great eagle and what makes America so great!!!!! stop making shit so hard cuz you jelly!!!!!
they can’t take away our networking (word of mouth) and social bonds!
we werent born yesterday!
this isnt gonna go the way you want!!!!
i might could find some harmony in that tub out back
“im sorry, the owner changed their mind. nothing is for sale. but you can still eat the pizza”
the house has everything i need ready to go
i aint got no money to buy no washing machine dyer fridge stove microwave tv couch
i was coming with pillows and clothes (and an old senior dog)
p.s. im just trying to move out of the moldy cockroachy environment into a more suitable for dying habitat
it seems i may have to go all in for that
and since the boomers stole my retirement
i wont have any money to buy a stove
if a buy a house
“heyyyy ma we got a roof over our head but we aint eating!!!!!!”
but blue has everything i need right now – to move in
pro tip: everyone wants to paint their shit blue now since it is a magical color
it has a new roof age 4
it aint tin!!!!!
ill give them exactly what they r asking
per Realtor guidance
(but also my loan provider says i can get up to $2k monthly)
Boomers say i need to earn $6k a month to live somewhere without the crime or cockroaches
or go “all in” or be homeless – i mean the odds are stacked against us fully chained
im losing my own “fertility” down the fucking toilet every 3 weeks – and just like Jackie I have a hard time letting go after effort has been put in – and bless her little heart seeing the realization with the ravens visiting
she will have to leave the eggs behind for the ravens
another harvest failed
ill drop poems when i aint busy trying to save my life
dying can be long and tedious sometimes
hence “assisted suicide”
but i don’t need anyone to “assist me”
i dont want anyone seeing me “bleed down there” or out my fucking brain and nostrils
there’s already a bird bath to feed the birds
“comes as is”
and yes the VA do inspections, this is legit
if God gave you a tiny pot of gold, what would you buy?
“shots fired, shots fired” – has no idea from where – panics – targets the car in front of him 😬
but im called “paranoid and crazy” cuz i dont want to leave my house cuz anytime i do there is high risk for me to get trafficked, kidnapped, swamped, hid in a wall, or something worse 👀
and the traffic is insane
25 minutes just to back up from the parking lot at Publix and the overweight white millennial parked next to me nearly blew his lid
there are worse ways to die than John Jones – but so far – for me – his tops
only 10% of people hear voices in their head – and i hear whole symphonies of people who have died – singing – the most beautiful sounds
ive been collecting acorns around here
that squirrel or the lawnmower hasnt destroyed
it used to be a swamp out here but it was nearly all wiped out
i tell the trees and animals i worry for them
the remaining bits of trees that remain
but its private property and just cuz 70% of my income goes to living here – it dont mean i get a say about how things go
the blowing dirt and leaves around the parking lot for HOURS
DUMB
over pruning the trees
DUMB
i get triggered when i hear the chainsaw now 😭
“mature trees and landscaping” the website advertises
but they cut down a baby tree growing – and i planted more seed in the same spot – now another baby is growing
and they cut the arms off of the trees growing towards the sunlight
she was a sycamore
had survived two hurricanes
but not the chainsaw
i cried
i researched pruning – with pictures –
not to mention all the fish they killed dumping chems into the water
i called the EPA eventually and Allan laughed at me
i think i ended that call “i know you want love with a prostitute”
Allan was terrified for his life 🥶
i got a private call from
a cop “so youre not on your way to orlando right now”
*laughs*
“not at this precise moment, no….”
*laughs*
I bet Allan still thinks about me 🤩
*laughs*
cut down another tree – fire more shots at people cuz acorns are violent as hell
but i signed the atf form, i passed my background check
but I don’t have a carry permit so shall not be infringed upon until the 23rd and then I can go pick her up she’s already paid for and she’s mine and the serial number has already been confirmed
I’ve already bought her ammo and a lock case; I have personal ammo and I have ammo for the range 🙂
yee-haw
and wasn’t i a kid in a candy store
One of the workers offered me a job and some of the bystanders were very interested in what I bought and everyone told me that it was an excellent choice and it’s a great starter gun 🙂
and it’s made in the usa
he said it fit my hand nicely
i got a picture of her 🙂
this ain’t no bb gun BB
new starter gun 🙂
couldn’t decide between a 38 special, a 9mm, or this 40
she comes with two 14 round magazines in the box 🙂
gotta get to the range soon – got ammo for that
and these hollow points that “spread out”
happies
scored this lock box for ten bucks and he made sure the size would fit by holding my gun to the box
pick her up soon 🙂
in Florida you no longer need a carry permit but if you wanna walk out with your weapons the same way you buy them you do
a little asmr gun unboxing at the store 🙂
i can’t promote anything gun related or i will get penalized and my account with an “armed and dangerous” flag 🙄
and possibly banned
because everything is Made in China but my fucking gun
I have been eyeing the revolvers though
and tho i have a soft spot for shotguns i dunno if i can handle kickback currently
I need to get my carry permit and I want to get to the range so I can get familiar with my weapon and be a responsible gun owner 🙂
guns be selling out fast and im jumping on that train
the boys were asking specific questions about what i bought
at one point i stated i knew how to drive but not familiar with all the models lol
I don’t recall firing a 40 or a 38 special in the army but a 9mm and an M-16 A2 rifle and live grenades and grenade launcher and all sorts of other shit I can’t remember yes 🤪
I was very efficiently trained to take my weapons apart in the dark including the firing pin and put them back together within a certain timeframe and wearing my gas mask
today I went and bought a gun and got a job offer
had several people tell me it was a good choice!!
i was like “i know i could buy a 9mil at this price but i wanted something a little smaller”
“i wanted a 38 but this kept catching my eye”
“there was three, and then two, and now there is one”
*laughter*
i just leveled up my game
and i need to refresh the skill sets i already have programmed in me
does it not come with a safety switch – lol
oh no
IS THERE REALLY NO SAFETY
babe why did you let me shop for a week for guns only to select one at 4:20 am without a safety switch
BABE
it’s his fault that he’s not here taking care of me and I selected something that I’m not familiar with or that I’ve ever been trained with
HIS FAULT
GOOD CHOICE THEY SAID
“don’t shoot yourself in the foot” was never once heard
hit the like button if you want to see how my range adventures go and I can’t post about this shit anywhere else on social media
I struggled getting the grenade launcher loaded in basic training
but once I did my drill sergeant was so impressed and he said I was the only one that hit the target which were tanks far far out but I used up nearly all my time to get it loaded
and you’re not allowed to throw the live grenade like a baseball and so it didn’t go very far and we had to jump in the hole the first time lmao
“I thought you played baseball” my drill sergeant shouted
they also have issues with “likes” not working on WordPress
so it’s not just in my head
and I tried to find the updated post about “how to post” on WP through JetPack and whatnot – but Google just isn’t the same
i just remember reading something about TAGS but maybe i’m wrong about what i read
i just know we all were using X amount and the post said X amount had been reduced to a lesser amount or else the algorithm will ignore you
kinda like that issue with that robot on mars that has too many tasks that it is overwhelmed and keeps re-prioritizing tasks that need to be done – but nothing ever gets done
they came up with a term for it
and that’s the state of me, my life, and my blog
and the fact that i leave “likes” multiple times on multiple days like a psychopath having a meltdown (this time it’s the AI and not me, swear) but you wouldn’t know? or maybe you do?
so now im leaving comments here and there going “it wont let me like anything”
“im here still” 🥹
and the ai knows i hate leaving my ip so now im being forced to give my age sex location just to breathe anywhere in society
i degress…
priority inversion problem
i swear i aint trying to cause any troubles
im just lost in hell having priority inversion malfunctions
“i know this needs done but we gotta do this first but can’t because we need to do this other thing instead”
*keeps chasing own tail*
“i keep doing but there ain’t anything done”
i think they changed the usage rules on hashtags on tiktok too – but *spins in circles*
Tell him every time I go to buy vegan dairy, it’s SPOILT
I guess the asshole packing my $100 order (not including delivery and tips) decided to get the cold items first, leave them out for hours, until delivery?
And I paid MORE for dairy free
I paid MORE for delivery
But I guess the fat asshole is quietly quitting
But he was wanting that tip
Meanwhile, I’m stuck in a storm DYING and now I ain’t got no snacks to eat
These demons get paid either way right
I’m just a stupid skinny white bitch
He’s one cookie away from a heart attack and I hope it finds him quicker now
Meanwhile, I’m going “I threw up twice”, “I had to stop taking the other pill”, “I couldn’t breathe”, “need morphine”
The morphine request was denied 🙄
But only cuz she doesn’t prescribe narcotics
I’d have to go see my primary care manager – who literally misdiagnosed and mistreats me – and the only reason I’m as bad as I am now, is I couldn’t get the treatment I needed when I went to them, “I’ve been exposed”
Them: “your labs are fine”
I started my period and though I’m 45 and in agonizing pain, bleeding on everything, I’m actually grateful I’m still ovulating.
But getting any pain medication from the VA is like asking a ghost to follow me
I’ve lost my mind so the latter is a bit easier to do
I wish I could enter the VA and state that I’m 45 still bleeding from my legs – but they’d probably complain “we don’t talk like that” – “that’s considered rude”
Because we’re suppose to enter medical establishments smiling and tap dancing and bowing for them like they’re Gods
They love to gaslight
And medical malpractice is common
Go to the library and pick up a book
One that isn’t glorifying hookers and prostitutes
Cuz those can be found on the hot shelf in the front where little children can read
You’re gonna burn hell
For all eternity
P.S. I don’t know any vet alive dying that isn’t begging for some goTdamn morphine
Stop hoarding all the junk
GIVEMAH
Haz pain 😑
P.S.S. I requested it in the form of cough syrup since the hospital gave me some and it soothed my coughing and anxiety several hours thus helping the heart
But dying and being in pain isn’t a good enough cause for some cough syrup with morphine
So how do I get me some of the “good cough syrup”!?! Asking for a friend…..
I worked hard to put on weight and now I’ve done did
When you’re trying to TikTok shop but the plagues notice that the audience is the same size as the host and then follow you 👀
The Host: “I’m not sure what you’re implying but if you don’t stop, I will have to mute or block you….”
Him: “she is the same size as you”
Him: randomly tags me without a message
Him: “I like your fit”
Anyhoo. I guess the romper/shrug was a hit.
I gained 1 more follower (that isn’t why I shopped for a romper tho, it’s a separate goal)
I’m waiting on the bodysuits & accessories to arrive.
Yesterday it was hot in Florida and today I need a coat.
Yesterday I would have passed out in anything but slides, shorts, and a tank.
Today I need Arctic gear 🥶
If the doctor told me, I was menopausal, I would punch him, call him a liar, and tell him to pay my electric bill.
Fortunately for me, even in my age, those words never sound.
And my body isn’t behaving in such a way, EARTH is
Stop deflecting ✋🛑✋
Oh this has happened lots over the last month or two, so thanks
This was last night…
And my hashtag over on TikTok has reached 23K
If I could stop dying long enough and figure out, how do use social media, I might could put out some better content
Not even better just effort
Like here, here’s a poem I wrote 5 years ago
How hard is it to do a soft reading and hit record?
Is it worth 200 views?
I’m totally satisfied at 1000 views. I feel it’s worth effort.
But with nearly 5k followers, it’s hard to make sense.
I’d probably be happy with 500-700 views consistently
I’d hate it even worse at zero
But yeah, I did buy some yoga sets and things to keep warm for the winter
The price was good 👍
I’m getting good feedback
There was only ONE BOY who got mad at me spending my own money on things I actually need
🤡
I gotta take my dog out again before he makes me start WW4
It can’t be that hard taking care of a hellhound but once again I found myself sobbing in front of a mirror like God was behind the other end begging “please I can’t do this… take him to heaven with you”
And then the other version of me saying “get ahold of yourself”
And I took bath number two cuz he ruined the first one and has driven me to full insanity
The heart needs the hot magnesium salt baths…
If the ego can’t get a fucking grip, we backtrack and start again
Insanity!
It’s like when you feel yourself starting to fall slowly but you can’t stop the grip
And next thing you know the wind has been knocked out of you
And the only words that surface as you lay there contemplating existence is “goT damm it” or “fuck”
These demons trying to ban curse words 🤡
Thank you so much for all the awesome feedback on my little jumper set! I think I paid six or 7 bucks for the jumper, about the same for the sweater (which I can mix n match)
He asked, “why do you wanna buy something you won’t wear”
And like…
Blazer + yoga set is definitely my style
Sorry not sorry 🤔
But the Lord answered my prayers
I can wear my blazers and loungewear together
THIS IS LIFE 🤩
(Don’t tell him about the makeup and hair products I’ve ordered)
(I’m literally dying but it’s a transformation)
I’m transforming
At least I know what sex I am 👀
I’m also shopping for guns as there’s a no license to carry law in Florida now
Trigger happy 🤩
Because I’m a Soldier
And we at war…
NEED GUNS
Shhhhhhhh
Cute but fierce?
My bag will contain more than makeup or maybe it will be a decoy 🤔
Anyhoo
My sister died
And now I’m making Chinese TikTok hosts into my sister
Sometimes I tune in just to hear them say “Ill try it on for you” but I’m one of their best customers and they help me sleep
I find shopping with them soothing
Retail therapy 🤩
But c’mon, I love this phase I’m moving into
I didn’t know I could wear my blazers with my yoga sets
But I can 🤩
Cuz he’s probably right a tiny bit
And I’ve talked to God
And prayed about what to do
And I knew I could part was some of the clothing and donate it or thrift it, but I was having a hard time wanting to part with any of my Blazers, even though I wasn’t sure where I could wear them
But I’ll forget you just like I forgot your fucking birthday
And I’ll cast you to hell to burn for all eternity 😬
I had to get closer to bite the snakes head off and now I’m tainted
I’m setting a boundary though so I don’t open up to you about my personal life anymore so you can play shit brigade on my happies
We both know I’m a diamond in the rough and you just don’t want anybody else to get their hands on me
There’s two versions of me, the version I was and the version I want to become and somewhere in the middle there’s clothing I bought that just isn’t working out, and I am allowed to fucking dress myself
If I were seeking only validation or a shit ton of validation or validation, in general, I probably would post daily fucking videos on my goTdamn TikTok
Or weekly
Or monthly
But I’m selfish and don’t want anyone seeing the treasure in the closet
Recently, I wanted to buy an Apple Watch and I was like a GPS would be nice especially because I’m hurt and I could be watched 24 seven and I love being spied on 24 seven and then if I did get hurt I could just push a button and someone could come out or whatever but then I was more concerned that BLM would want to kidnap me because I was wearing an Apple Watch 👀
So I guess I ain’t getting a watch
But don’t tell him about all the weapons that I’m buying
That’s where the real treasure is
This is the Devil’s society where every fucking choice is a sin
I literally planned for a makeover and now he’s mad at me about it and I’m not even over with my makeover 🙄
I don’t even own a LBD (little black dress) 😲
Anyhoo
I talk to God a lot about my habits
He never makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world if I fail at something
He allows me to learn
In a positive environment
I’ve been trying to grow plants and just because I’m failing doesn’t mean I’m gonna give up on growing a garden in the future..
Or continuing to learn how to manage my finances
But for the record, I follow the 50/30/20 rule as that’s what all the library books taught me when I was trying to learn about all of this and buying clothes is part of the 30 🤓
Like where am I wrong?
My bills are paid. I’m working off 2 debts. I refuse to take out any loans or credit cards.
I’m jumping ship when God signals to me “this land here” and I can become a landowner and thus figure out how to take care of the wildlife
I need to build bird a house
And give turtle 🐢 a cool area
The ark is the land
I need to fertilize the earth or something 😫
I need things to grow 😫
I’m sick of all the war death sickness and fighting
I’m dying!!!!!!!
I only get this one chance to feel things
I’m pretty much dead inside, but the clothing and heating pad was starting to give me some life
And God too 🥺
I’m part of the 244
And what’s wrong with taking care of yourself
I know you’d rather me be a crack whore without any teeth
Yea I mean I’m following the 50/30/20 rule until I’m content with the clothing
Because I don’t have too much of an addictive personality. I will course correct fairly quickly when I realize I’m going down that route.
I really think you would’ve liked what I was gonna mail you but you’re a fucking dick
PoeEternal 