I’m like his protege
Whispers in decay
Messages like ballet
Asks if I’m okay

Says I am babe
And I make his day
Take his sky from grey
Wants to see me slay

He points me to Broadway
They got the fee to pay
Says I outta play
I’m like his protege

© Delia Ross. 2021 / @poeeternal

Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.

Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.

I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.

Not everybody wants me to die.

FYI.

Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).

We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).

I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.

I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.

I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?

I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.

Tacos. I desire tacos.

And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.

Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…

I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.

I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!

I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!

I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.

And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.

So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.

I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.

I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.

But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.

I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.

Hormones.

I’m moody. Edgy.

Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.

It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.

I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.

I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.

I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.

Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.

Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.

Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.

Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!

Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.

Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?

Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!

Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. 😊 He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.

My Mars One profile: https://community.mars-one.com/profile/34d6acb7-ade0-4c59-b462-f41d636512d7

And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/

I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0

And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…

This conversation went EVERYWHERE. LOOK SQUIRREL!