Store said she’d been there the longest – adopted and returned
They said she likes to bite
Charlie already wants to extend the family
I told Charlie it might not be best knocking Daisy up her first night here
Not to mention the HABs aren’t even completed
I was going in for substrate and saw that sign for “50% off”
They said eventually it’d be reduced even further – to 75% and then well… she goes one more place and tries one more time (where surely she will bite and their number one rule for biting is “put down”)
It saddens me this society – this lifestyle of bartering one another at what cost
There was another girl that was born there – i really wanted her – she had a cow-like print
I NEED LAND
And a shed
I don’t care what the influencers think
“…this is animal abuse”
But mine are sleeping peacefully in their chaotic HAB
(HAB is short for habitat for those who don’t know)
They also get me as their caretaker and no one on TikTok seems to get that
I told Daisy today that the family returned her because she didn’t belong with them, she belonged here
I’m scared of Daisy
But she let’s me handle her, has not bit me, and has stopped squealing like a squeaky toy when I pick her up
She also allows me to segregate Charlie even tho she runs after him
It’s new to her
Probably hurts
She knows she wants it but she don’t
And Charlie be down there doing things that should be behind closed doors
But she could rip his head off when she is thru
And that’s the reality of adopting two Syrian hamsters from different stores
Male and female
Of breeding age
It’s almost like I needed enrichment in my life
Trying to keep two hamsters from killing one another or falling in-love
They said she was spicy so I named her after a sweet flower
Daisy seems to have already taken to her name
She knows not to bite me….
She’s learning her new HABs
She’s met Charlie 4 times – and he was ready to extend the family right away
They have been grooming one another
Licking and sniffing
Lots of face-to-face stare offs
Nose touches
Could be love or war
She’s not as fit? It was her first time on a 10 inch or 8 inch wheel. They had a saucer at the store
Prob used it to lay on
Charlie has a friend now but she could be a killer so I won’t leave them alone
I know I shouldn’t be buying hamsters while dying and not even having the correct HAB setup
But now my life has purpose
Can’t move into my Noah phase if the ark is empty
Back to the basics
They say I am a child that never grew up
So I got a hammy
Logical
(And I know you love me even more)
(But you don’t know why)
(Cuz you fucking hate me and will never speak again)
LMAO it’s such a convincing photo I actually have people on TikTok who think I am stalking him?
LOL yes? But I’m not the reason he is hiding? It was lunch hour and the frontside was busy. I accidentally went the wrong way and then accidentally bumped into the Teslar again and now am an accidental stalker? I just thought it made for a good story? Plus, I smiled the cutest smile and waved with my eyes closed when passing (though no one was inside – I’m sure it was recorded?)
If there is a snapshot of me, he may be scared or in-love?
“How did I meet your mother? Well she was stalking my car…”
“Instead of getting a restraining order, I got her a meal”
“Didn’t have to worry about her keying my car at least”
There you are…
Does God want us to meet?
He’s gonna have to sell his damn car because of me…
I couldn’t find any editor to combine 2 photos into 1, it’s all so complicated now
Couldn’t layer or change opacity
NOTHING
I once could create stuff but now everything is on boss mode and I got left behind
It’s like they sucked the joy out of everything
STOP GIVING THEM FEEDBACK
STOP GIVING THEM YOUR OPINION
Take a vow of silence and run
The neighbor keeps asking me what I am running from
I keep trying to explain
Not from but to
I don’t wanna be tied down to anything
I just wanna run with the clouds
Sit with the sun where I won’t burn
Eat food on my tongue
Take a safety course
Get good with my weapon
The Army didn’t train me on something this fucking tiny
Should’ve stuck with a 9mil and what I am certified in
Told myself to stop complaining take a fucking class get to the fucking range
I love that the slumlord is worried that I got a weapon
“Is she carrying”
LIKE WHAT IF I AM
MIND YER FUCKING BIZZ
Cuz Ain’t nothing in my house REGISTERED TO YOU
In fact, YOU AINT ALLOWED IN HERE NO MO
MEDICAL EMERGENCY
MOTHERFUCKING TRY ME
This is America bitch
I WAS TRAINED TO CARRY
BE FUCKING SCARED
I HAZ EMPOWERMENT
KEEP TELLING THEM LIES
My lease is up soon and only then can you have entry
MY PLACE
MY SPOT
NOT YOURS
I CARE NOT YOU FORGOT ABOUT A DEADLINE AND ARE GIVING US 24 HOUR DEMANDS OR YOU GONNA ENTER ANYWAY + FINE US
I FUCKING DARE YAH
Cause I just told my nurse today that if my doctor doesn’t get with the fucking program, I will get someone else because she works for me and I don’t work for her and it’s about what I need and not what she wants
PERIOD
I DON’T PLAY
I DON’T NEED AN ELECTRIC BILL THAT COSTS A MUCH AS A FAMILY OF 5
I may just get a tent and start camping
And God knows I gotta drop more supplies if Ima spend a year traveling and figuring out where I wanna exist
Cuz I built a bed you know
And a couch
Fool me fucking twice
Never getting in another lease again
I mean, have you seen all the ridiculous add-on fees They’re adding just so they can bring you a fucking air filter? how about you Try cleaning the HVAC system for fucking change
Call the black mold mildew one more time
Say motherfucker ONE MORE TIMEEE
Cause I asked you on more than one equation was there any mold in this fucking apartment and you straight up said no and there’s mold all over this motherfucking place and I know it directly impacted my dogs mental health whom I just had to lay to rest, you better watch your fucking tongue the rest of the time I’m here and leave me the fuck alone.
A drowning man will drown another, but sometimes they’ll shoot you in the fucking back. That CEO never saw it coming. And the words on the bullet, poetic.
Checkmate Luigi.
And I carry cuz A. I’m cute and dudes follow me to my car or while I am walking and B. I am a Soldier
It’s also my right as an American citizen and I highly recommend you utilize all your rights too – unless of course you fucked up and do not have the right to carry
I would say stock up
My bag is heavy
Prob as heavy as me
The Army made me ruck carrying double my weight
It’s no wonder my back fucking hurts and I need to take breaks from time to time
Or I need you to pick up my shit cause it’s so fucking heavy but as long as you toss it on my back, I got it
Well the core of my heart lost a lot of strength to be able to do stuff like that which is why I’ve been doing core training.
My lease is up soon and I gotta let a lot of my stuff go because I don’t want to stay in Florida, but I did go look at a few places around here and I had a lot of anxiety during it and that’s my body’s way of saying we are fucking done with Florida
And the mountains are calling me home
I’ve never lived up north but I might spend some time in Montana. I might spend some time in Colorado maybe Utah I don’t fucking know where I’m going. I literally have no idea what is next. This is the first time in my life I have ever been 100% solo on my own I have a gun Legally OK so when I say I’m alone, I’m still protected. Thank you. (Gotta remind the monsters I sleep with one eye on my trigger thank you very much)
I’m finding a sense of calm but that does not mean Millers wave is not incoming
Cuz the gravity is extreme
The loss
And I literally held him until his last breath and went through a psychosis
The hospital sent me a card with his fur and nose and paw print
I don’t wanna talk about things right now
But soon, when time has passed
Maybe I’ll share the psychosis
The thing is, I felt so disconnected but everything I was experiencing was common
It was a common grief trauma response
I fell into a black hole
I could feel time slow
Gravity was so heavy
Things were so dark
And now there are moments of clarity but I have two separation sequences I need to prepare for
The first is escaping the bottom of the singularity
The bottom of the hole
And then there’s the event horizon
I gotta be like a goat at the bottom
But the event i am circling
They require different methods to escape
And I know I’m losing weight, but the Bible says to fast for two weeks and that’s one way to starve the cancer
Unfortunately, I was invited to the Parishioner welcome dinner, and then I RSVP’d, and now my clothes are all dirty, I’m on my period, my dog is dead, I’m barely eating, my energy is low, I’m gonna be homeless soon, I’m lost in purgatory, and I was hurting too bad to go to Sunday church, despite having gone two weeks in a row, and now I missed my streak and the dinner is WED and my anxiety is full
I’m wearing a sleep patch and a thc patch cuz i ain’t getting any
It’s the worst timing having to meet somebody on my period especially when the first 48 hours are my roughest and I’m still in my roughest part of my period so come Wednesday it’ll be oh I’m feeling better but I only got the dishes done today and there’s no clean clothes Because my dog died and I’m behind on everything 
I got a doctor appointment with my doctor tomorrow the one that the VA are trying to take from me and I don’t even wanna see the fucking VA anymore and I’m getting ready to write President Trump and letting him know of the atrocities that are going on and how the VA are making it extremely difficult For me to have the treatment that I need
THUS THE VA CAN GET IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA
I’m sick of being assigned a female doctor anyway
And yes, there are plenty more things I can fucking complain about
But I don’t wanna hear any bullshit about me sending an SOS to the current admin when the VA are actively killing me and my comrades mkay
Stay in yer own lane
If you wanna get out and protest, I ain’t stopping you
I didn’t vote for this
I DIDN’T ASK TO BORN
AND I’M NOT READY TO DIE
EVEN THO THE NEIGHBOR ASKED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MARRY HIM
GREAT CONGRATS
Glad I was able to show you you already had what you needed
But I ain’t jumping off a bridge yet
And somewhere inside me, I think you love me and want to see me win?
Or were you planning to shoot me through the door when I dropped candy off at your door?
*laughs*
Gotta stand yer ground in Florida
(Were you cocking the gun or unlocking/locking the door)
I’m not celebrating Halloween anymore and I’m getting rid of all my Halloween stuff
I might become a nun
But today I emailed a college about becoming a personal trainer
Dying but still got goals
I do feel less dead today tho for what it’s worth
I 1000% look dead due to my heavy flow and this would be a good time for a neighbor to bring me soup
But I only make enemies
It’s just what I do
Loyal but good at a blindside too
Dr. Peterson says sometimes you have to be a monster
And I’m taking lessons everywhere I can get them
I would like to share my goals, even though they say not to, but I would rather try to manifest them because I have been dying, but I would like to visit China in 3 to 5 years and go to the student center and earn my uniform for tai chi
So that is my short term goal
My long term goal is to be cancer free but it feels unrealistic cuz most people only get about that much time and i’m about there with this illness that stole my life
It has a name, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you *joking*
I keep you on your toes
I’m so sick of the thought police because I shouldn’t fear everything I say
*light language involved used as a form of artistic expression and not hurting anyone*
Remember, I told you I was trying to sort out my real life because it’s priority?
Well, I might be moving to Colorado
I gotta pray about it and sleep on it and all that shit but my heart is pretty much set on going to Colorado because the mountains have been calling me and I’ve been lost in purgatory and not exactly sure the direction I want to go until I reached out to my Chaplain and now my Compass is starting to turn to that direction, which is great because I was already considering Montana or Utah or somewhere out of the south because I’m like literally fucking done with the south like I’m done with the fucking south, you know
I spent time in Colorado when I was working in the military, I fell in love with the mountains and got married to them
They’re calling me home….
Six months is all you need to become someone new, remember? only I’ve got about five months left to make my move 🙂
Lease is up in July and takes about 30 days to close
I need a big big change
Homeowner sounds nice
Being in remission sounds nice
Getting his digits before either of us move or die sounds even nicer
I just threw the metaphorical dice
I mean, I have been praying for it
Direction
A husband
Clean bill of health for my second half
I told my chaplain that when I train it’s like I’m climbing mountains, but keeping my heart rate low
Like them people in the caves when they watch their friends die, they have to stay calm or they’ll die too
But I’m not in a cave. I’m normally just on the treadmill or my rebounder. Keeping my heart-rate low
Starting to hold weights and shit over my head, you know, calisthenics or whatever because my heart is not strong enough to do things
And it’s amazing how much my body is responding to the things I’m doing I feel like I’m gaining superpowers, even though I’m just going back to the basics of what the army taught me
today I woke up and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and man it felt so fucking good to just have all that time remaining in the morning to haven’t even had coffee yet and I’ve already hydrated with coconut water and fitness and I was like “fuck it’s only 7:30 AM”
I have so much time to figure out my life when I’m not trying to fucking push out content on social media for it to be NOT EVEN RECOMMENDED IN THE FOR YOU FEED
OH YEAH
I was given no warning that it had been shadowbanned and thus the time to appeal it had expired
Oh yeah
You know they keep over 50% of the profits you make them all the while beating you down
I don’t need social media. I need a fucking husband.
And find a house to buy and some land and then I got to fucking pack all of my things and move across country all the while mourning the loss of a relationship with a guy I never even got cause Walmart tried to fucking kill me twice and so I’ve already ended my subscription with them and deleted my fucking account and the place I go shopping now doesn’t have any recalls at all
And I’m currently going through my fifth spiritual awakening, that’s why 5 inches of snow was dumped on my fucking head during my blood sister’s death anniversary
M’KAY
I also wrote a poem or two
I’ll probably share those in a different post.
when I calm down
from the constant atrocities
I told my chaplain I was lost in purgatory and running from the devil
Once I get to Colorado, I can get baptized again cause he baptized me in basic training, you know, but he would probably drive down to Florida to give me a baptism if I asked for it
I was praying for direction and guidance and I’m back in my chaplain’s life
I’m reconnecting with my aunt again
She definitely will help me in the homebuying process you know just the moral support of it as well as my chaplain who’s already involved
sleeping beauty they make it look all cute when someone’s being disassociative and a guy comes and wakes you up from some fucking spell you know, but in reality, that’s not how it works
I knew that he was everything that I would ever want and simultaneously built my wall so high before I got here. I don’t know,I didn’t want to drown someone while I was drowning but the reason I’m drowning is cause I needed him. It’s complicated whatever I’ve got to chill the fuck out there are lessons to be learned here.
I’ll be carving in the mountains your name
Maybe one day I’ll have my legends of the fall bear moment
But hopefully we won’t have to deal with anything like that but hot chocolate and a fireplace?
maybe just the hot chocolate
I don’t know if dying opened up some super awareness inside of me, but I can see all the time all around me the many ways in which you could die
The army trained me to be observant and maybe I’m just too observant you know because when I got a brain injury, it cracked open the light and I see everything now
In fractals
Isn’t it harder to breathe because I remember it being really hard to breathe in Colorado and that was before I got a heart and lung injury
I didn’t stay long enough to get acquainted. I was only there a week, but I mean I was there long enough to get married to the mountains.
The Great Outdoors are calling me
I’m dying down my social networks for a bit so I can focus on my real life, but I may bring you some updates on my blog, where I am also shadowbanned
It just means I’m doing something right because Type O Negative (a rock band) was banned from Germany and now Germany worships that band
Imagine being told you can’t perform in a country and that you’re not allowed back
or how Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t get any of his writings published because they too shadowbanned him
*laughs insanely*
I still have some of his words tattooed on me
*current photo*
On my ribcage
Where it felt like a crucifixion and I kept telling my fucking tattoo artist, I wanted to fucking kill her so you know
I was like maybe we should just stop here and have it half done and she’s like I’ll be done soon. I was like I need a break and I had to have been her worst client but we made it through together.
Even with my hate and all
she probably even would-of tattooed me again because we were friends forever after that on Facebook and everything you know
but I just now got back on Facebook my God I’ve been approving people from six years ago
I don’t know who’s who anymore
Except some faces are really familiar and I’m so glad to be back in these haunted halls
Some people are responding to my “oh hi” and some people haven’t even been on their own profiles in 10,000 years and other people are wondering where they’re at but I’m dropping “I’m still alive” postings anyway
Now I have you know bands that I love looking at my fucking story on Facebook and I’m like why aren’t they on TikTok seriously though I mean, why aren’t they on TikTok?
Todd Kerns, you know who plays bass for slash and Kev from Candlebox, I mean, I like this person, I once was
Trent Reznor still has me as his friend because he’s been deleting people. He’s not at his maximum 5K anymore, but I didn’t get pulled or culled
*would die*
Crosby @ VAST you know was full, but I sent a friend request. Of course he immediately approved me.
And there are others and more
This is the music i miss and adore
The people
Cev from Skinny Puppy
We friends
I mean, they know I’m alive and I’m so glad they’re fucking alive because fires be burning everywhere huh?
Kind of feels nice to be welcomed back in my own yard and have like people care that I’m there
Family, friends, and so on
I was gone for six years. They didn’t delete me and I’m gonna disappear again.
OK, some have not forgiven me OK like Alex he has not forgiven me from removing him from my Instagram or probably talking to his ex
Well he doesn’t remove me when I go follow Unfollow follow back and he also doesn’t respond to any of my comments or messages I send him even though I know he’s fucking reading them likely OK
He’s still my muse
I have no ill will
Against my great music loves
Lol
I couldn’t imagine showing up at a gig though and being banned from it like no you’re not welcome here that would be – I don’t know – humiliating and life ending – if life gets that bad for me where the musicians I support don’t want me to come to their gigs then Someone needs to come have a talk with me or something
That’s not reality though OK

I prob thought i’d be a ghost in my own hometown
People want me to haunt them
I have to try to recover my account at some point, but I’ll just wait until I completely lose access before I attempt that because right now I can still contact Mark Z.
I don’t know if him and I are friends or if I’m just following him over there, but it’s his official one and he’s responded to me before in the past you know, but I haven’t been over there in six years so he ain’t seen me in a minute, but I’ve already been active on his profiles already since I’ve been back.
U follow?
I posted “I’m here, but I don’t know for how long”
Hard to say goodbye to ends
Likely disappear again
I like drifting in the wind
I like meeting new friends
I might try again….
I’m on the mend
I mighta slightly begged him to return to Facebook
It’s weird though, because when Trent Reznor got off Facebook, so did I, but neither one of us really left
🙂
Symbiotic
I mean, I did ask him to marry me on his fucking message board when I was like 16 or something and he was flattered and that has to be archived somewhere with my username Delia
Things don’t really last forever on the Internet like we were told though
I was kind of being silly and asked him a serious question afterwards and he really enjoyed the music questions that I asked him, which I can’t recall at the moment and I’m sure I screenshot it it at some point, but you know where are those files
I haven’t even met Trent Reznor yet and I worry I’ll cry when I meet him
What is he on, like baby number six with MariQueen? 7?
Life is just totally unfair sometimes
Cause I would’ve had seven babies with some guy if he wanted seven babies with me and now I’m fucking nearly dead
Cause he didn’t have fucking nearly 7 babies with me!!!!
We could have started at 13!
WTF!!!!!!!!
Stole my goTdamn life!!!!!!
Made me fucking wait until it was too late!!!!
I hate the fucking nihilism in this world, and you know I’ll be dropping all the complaints into my chaplains inbox
He still loves me after all this time
I don’t even know where I go when I get lost. I just say I’ve been in purgatory.
I think if I get a watch with a compass, I’ll feel a lot more grounded. You know honestly it’s just back to the basics. That’s what I keep telling myself.
Standing on first base
I was in Trent’s fanclub
Bring back message boards and fanclubs
NO ADS
People were fucking mean to me on the NIN board but not Trent
All fans are mean to me cause I hang out with the bands
“I’m with the band”
I’m legit the kinda fan they want at shows
I feel them notes
Probably what brought me to this hell
Vanity
And I know that men would probably prefer if I wore makeup and dyed my hair, but there’s also the sense of that they get to see me in whatever chaotic state I choose to be in
and right now it’s
“I might be turning into a white cub”
Always a cub, never a cougar
Cuz some guy asked my age once when older (but i look so young?) and he said i was a cub still
Yep and now always
Stop asking me my age when I’m working so hard to look younger than the new generation who look as old as me already right
?!?
It’s crazy though because they’re 30 they already got rid of their sex organs and turned gray so they actually have to dye their fucking hair
And they don’t want kids because they’re fucking nihilist
“Life’s too expensive” they claim
“I’m depressed, that’s child abuse”
Whatever propaganda trend they follow – it all leads to nihilism like a black hole
We just got our hot water back and this is what I look like living through a fucking winter storm without hot water for over a week
I’m basically exhausted living in this apartment because there’s always something fucking wrong
I had the heat out for a week during the storm. I had the toilet out for a week during Thanksgiving now I had the hot water out during the blizzard.
I am not where I’m meant to be
Cancer still grows in low gravity and mold it’s on the ISS
And they plan to drop it in the fucking ocean by the way
“We don’t know why the fish are dying”
Well, for one you need to stop over fishing
And you need to start putting your biggest catch back
I’m still friends with some of my past lovers oh my
I must’ve been not that bad of a girlfriend
Cuz they married n all
And i’m still over here “single never married”
But surely they’re rooting for me?
it’s crazy how I distance myself so far from people and they’re like an email away?
A phone call?
If I could only remember?
How to keep a log?
How to not lock yourself out of your own accounts?
Don’t uninstall TikTok if you wanna reinstall it back
Luckily, I still had it downloaded on my Samsung tablet, but I had to update it so it wasn’t even in sync with my Apple one which I found that my bio wasn’t concurrent
So who knows if it’s accurate or not cause I can update it on one and it won’t update on the other
I thought we got rid of segregation, but man I mean literally what the fuck
I told my chaplain I was trying to get clean and he asked me what from what kind of drugs and I was dropping the seven sins like they were hot
I don’t drink and I’m trying to quit medicinal, but he doesn’t care that I do medicinal and I don’t do drugs
Just trying to cleanse the devil out of me
And the MOLD
People keep trying to ask me what kind of cancer I’ve got even though I’m like pre cancerous you know and mold is cancer. It’s hard to get through to them because people’s labs are fine up until they’re like stage four or some shit anyway right
I have an appointment coming up with my doctor and I may request a PET scan, but I’m not going under for anything. I’m basically denying any kind of fucking service.
My body, my choice
The VA don’t seem to understand
Cause they seem like they might start forcing vaccines on people before they enter
And then try to keep your benefits from you if you don’t get the vaccine to enter, and I can just see like a revolution happening that I’m not even gonna be part of
Like oh yeah
What’s next you gonna try and hold me down and give it to me
The millennials, Gen Z?
Try and hold me down?
Gen X?
The most dangerous generation to ever exist?
Is that spit on me?
Did you just fucking ghost me?
It’s weird being a fallen angel cause it’s like I have the keys to heaven and hell
But I wanna make it home to heaven
But i’m caught up in all these sins
Hard to explain to people I’m trying to get clean from my past
my chaplain instantly understood though you know I’m just going through a spiritual cleansing. I wasn’t sure what fucking number I was on four or five but I just had 5 inches of snow dumped on my head so I’m pretty certain I’m in my fifth awakening.
This is the Sunshine state
The second level of hell
And it just froze
*hi*
When something is so hot it’s actually cold and vice versa
You can’t tell if an object is round or flat in deep space
I watched a demonstration
I also learned that the moon landings were rehearsed by a very good director here on earth and that famous quote that Neil said actually was recording on earth because you know we didn’t have a fucking landline from earth to the moon or any sort of communication communications, you know like that
Also they drove through the Van Allen belt, but not one of them got cancer, but everybody on earth has cancer but them?
I dunno
My conspiracy knows no bounds
I got more rounds to fire
I need to get off social media so I can focus on getting my real life in order
But also, I’m nearly locked out of all of my accounts and some of that is my own fault and some of that is our governments
The New World order has been taken over
And I’m just like is there coffee or hot chocolate?
if the neighbor gave me a cup of coffee with, “will you be my valentine” written on it, the answer would most definitely be yes?
He thinks I’m running away from him, but I’m running away from everybody
It’s literally what I’m training my body for, to climb a fucking mountain and now I have a good chance to do that especially if I do move somewhere where there are fucking mountains, you know
Only, i can barely run around the block
But I’m so proud of how far my body has come, from wearing a heart monitor and being on bedrest, to packin my bags again and potentially buying a fucking house?
i’ve been approved for a whopping 300k but i DO NOT want to go that high
And I need to be able to afford the property taxes
So it might be a fixer-upper
I’ve got five months to sort shit and I don’t want to be in another lease
I think I’m gonna uninstall it again
And taking a LONG social media break
Maybe permanently like some of my friends have done
Never heard from them again
Hey, some of them disappeared so much their own family hasn’t heard from them
And yeah, they told me they were disappearing and they did pop out a couple times to say hi to me you know, but those were the last times
it inspires me to get off-line too for good
It’s big bro we’re running from lol
The politics
The arts
The science
Society
YOU WERE TRIED AND YOU WERE FOUND WANTON
Imagine getting to buy 1 to 5 acres anywhere in the United States that you wanted if you could just fucking find some direction
Of all the things someone could do with their money, you know
I feel like a SIM, just give me the land and we’ll go from there 
I just feel like any move I make is gonna be the wrong move because this is hell.
They have sucked all incentives out of doing anything in society
by the time you get your vehicle paid off you need to get another one. It’s gonna take the same amount of time so you’re just basically renting forever and I don’t even wanna play my PlayStation anymore cause if I don’t have the membership, I don’t have access to the games that I’m paying for so I’m basically just renting them forever And now I’m getting ready to sell my fucking PlayStation
I kept thinking getting a computer would be better, but they don’t even have SimCity anymore
it’s all pay to play
*yawn boring
Back to cards and board games
Playing in the dirt
Letting my hellhound stay out so long we both were getting frostbite
It was snowing in hell
I mean the sunshine state 2nd level of hell
I was in level 7
Now level 2
And on awakening number 5
Wait, something ain’t adding up
Or is it?
Could you explain dimensions to me like I’m a child?
My brain relies on signals and chemicals to navigate
People breathe in dead air and caves
People climb mountains and die from the cold weather or fall off cliffs
I just wanna start a garden. I know that sounds boring, but it’s complicated growing your own food. It’s also magical but it’s not easy work being self reliant and sufficient but it’s the life I wanna build
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The government is out of control
No NEW WORLD ORDER
I did not vote for this
In fact, the last time I voted, I was warning against Trump apparently and that was a long time ago because the last time I voted was Gary Johnson (twice)
There was an attempt to go vote for another third-party, but when I made it to the school, I nearly committed suicide so I turned around and came back home and now I’ve you know quit politics altogether and that was prior to Obama – i didn’t vote for Obama. I voted for the other guy you know – the military war vet now dead
Yeah him
Johnson was my last real goal at change
They took away our rights with the Bush signing statements
I didn’t vote for him either
I voted for Al Gore
I’ve denounced science 
I think I’m done with social media too
Like come find me in the real world in some well kept tiny little coffee shop in the corner reading spoken word
I’d still rather not read from my phone and fuck up in front of you
You get to see the behind-the-scenes in real time
The Bloopers
Or maybe I read my lines from an actual journal or book but never from the fucking phone or tablet no no probably not even a fucking monitor prompt or whatever they’re called Teleprompter huh?
if they keep cutting down the trees out here, I’m not responsible for how I’m gonna respond
They’re turning Florida into a concrete city 
They don’t clean
Florida has a mold issue
But I learned that it even grows in space so is less oxygen gonna be good for me 
All them taxes?
I want to pay my home off in 15
I still would rather buy land and put a new manufactured home on it
You can buy a brand new one starting at $43,000
that’s less than a new Jeep or ride
It’s 2 AM so technically I can start having coffee right because I’m not allowed to have it past noon and I’d probably go back to sleep at least from 5 to 9 AM but then that means I would fuck up my entire morning routine of working out but sometimes it’s nice to get sleep during that period. Cause it’s really my favorite time to sleep is when the sun is coming up And I really do.
Sleep
Like now – which i should be doing
But maybe the devil is nocturnal
This is a good time to poison him
I called my nurse again and said I was having difficulty breathing again so she refilled my prescription and I’ll be seeing my doctor soon but the VA is trying to take her from me
The one that took me four years to get to
I swear when I drop a lawsuit on the VA for medical misdiagnose and medical mistreatment, it’s gonna be a long list of female doctors
And nurses
And I don’t forget their fucking faces or names
My new doctor slowly turned her chair around and was like “whoa” and I was like “they’re the reason I’m nearly dead”
It was the way she slow extended her hands
Like “i’m not your enemy” but my vibe is “you kinda are”
I’m probably to blame for crawling in the hole, but they’re definitely to blame for dropping me on my fucking head and gaslighting me the entire fucking time
Stop asking me what’s wrong with me OK just know I’ve got some health issues going on and it’s not contagious. You’re not gonna fucking catch it.
It’s just there’s another doctor out there that they shut up and he says that cancer does spread. It is contagious can spread and many people when they get it cut out of them that actually makes it worse. It makes it spread. That’s why the cancer always comes back you know so I don’t want anybody cutting on me and I’ll try to eradicate it with some sunshine and prayer and eat healthy and all that but otherwise I’m choosing hospice I’m done with doctors.
And seeing as I’m a really good combat medic, I will take care of my own self to the end. I will be my own hospice care in my own house wherever I decide to die because I should have that choice to be able to die in my own motherfucking home
And these people we be leasing from they seem to forget that this is our fucking residence when our name is on it and they keep coming up with all these little stupid rules on how they can invade our privacy. No, I’m fucking done. OK I’m having medical emergencies. I’m dying get the fuck out of my house. Stop with your bullshit 24 hour fucking inspections or lawsuit is coming on you too.
cops are amazed at the level of proficiency to shoot someone a CEOin the back
and i know i am quiet and inactive on the blog front – i miss reading your blogs and connecting – but i am in a slumlord war again – and i ain’t sticking around
I WANNA DIE SOMEWHERE ELSE
but god bless that lady looking for her cat who potentially fell into a sinkhole – cuz those are too be feared – in such ways that i now notice cracks in the pavement – how to maneuver around – or deploy thinking tactics on how to overcome a potential collapse
– an angel in hell walking on eggshells
i also had to call the suicide hotline – and homeless crisis line for vets
and now i’m getting ready to apply for legal aid
and all the whiplash to jump ship into the great unknown again
only this time i am excited to escape yet another blackhole
i just would rather be homeless than live somewhere it takes them 5 days to fix your only toilet or working heat – and to be told duringso that “nothing is wrong”
then if/when you react they call you rude and threaten to call the cops
i told them several times to CALL THE COPS
at least then i would get a bed a meal security and heat
an hour of sunshine too
don’t threaten me with a good time
THEY DID NOT CALL THE COPS
despite me pleading and begging for them to do so
i didn’t get arrested again
i was also potentially exposed to ecoli eating organic carrots from walmart
i was sweating like Niagara falls for 3 days, followed by TMI, and kidneys hurting
so that prob was not from detoxing but detoxing may have saved my life again
took a few days off – hitting it hard again
starting a heavy metal detox soon
then back to everything they have on zuma nutrition
candida parasite liver lymph – THEM ALL
started doubling up my doses too
mold is cancer
parasites are cancer
diseases are mold and parasites
“that thing is real”
i was always a conspiracy theorist but that movie woke something up in me
(i wish the spacebar worked)
*me getting out the popcorn watching another CEO be taken out*
the guy rode off on a bike
he still has not been found
*eats popcorn*
popcorn is on the good foods list (zuma blog)
i mean the comment section on most any video regarding the ? opposite of a tragedy?
is it a crime to wish someone dead?
…cuz the things i pray for in broad daylight
and since i’m already being kept up at night
like SAME
“amazed at the level of proficiency” but i mean how hard is it to shoot someone in the back?
allright i know you mean the details leading up to the alleged crime – he waited for 5 minutes for him to arrive
he watched others go by…
*takes note* (for writing purposes in case this is tried to use against me in a court of law)
i’d go to jail forever simply because i would shit in the judges face
like right on top of the stand
i’ll grab the little hammer too
“order in the court” i will shout
as i prepare to handle bizz cuz ain’t nobody putting bb in a corner
starting to loathe GEN Y as much as the Boomers
as a gen xer – i don’t wanna unite
i want to be left alone
i want a small circle of friends
i want to be left alone
don’t engage eye contact with me and i won’t return visible hatred and cursery
i didn’t ask to be born
i don’t listen to my parents
YOU DON’T CONTROL ME
but please keep barking up the wrong tree
i’m starting to run again
small increments
but man
the way i just wanna go and never come back
done with Florida
might get a map and dart and toss it and pack up and head to the nearest countryside of said location
BINGO
take my $200 and pass go
but they shit where they sleep you know
they leave a trail of data and names behind
just because they group together and say “nothing is wrong” while calling you rude
lucky i didn’t leave bags of crap at the door
cuz like my level of petty is on point
so is my scale of revenge
please keep pissing on me and being condescending “i hope you get the help you need”
hmmm the way a warm butter knife cuts through butter in my fantasies….
got some Native American in me
got an itching and a craving to do some turkey carvings
tis the season
please keep watching me and collecting data for your bullshit agenda
ANGEL FALLEN
GODS A WATCHIN
how you doing me
🙂
the way you sleep so sound with your working heat and plumbing
the way i have nothing else to lose….
🙂
look at all this yummy stillwater left behind after each dishwasher cycle but “nothing is wrong”
MY LABS ARE FINE
I’M FINE
ALL IS GOOD
enjoy your rest 🙂
p.s. i’m not just a rude child, i also have zero empathy
likely dead inside
would rather sleep in a tent than get into a toxic relationship with slumlord staff
KARMA IS COMING GLAZED LIKE HOLIDAY CARAMEL
or popcorn
but i’m not allowed sugar currently
hard to mealprep when i can’t figure out my next step
to kill a mockingbird or take a nap
so many decisions
better than handwashing dishes but i would rather own / live without a dishwasher at this point
the more this society pisses me off, the less $$ i wanna spend
cause and effect my love
have fun! 🙂
popped in the back – won’t see me running
love it so much boo 🙂
keep up the nihilism
or taking out the trash and whatnot
*team bear*
RIP PEANUT AND FRED – and the boy squirrel out here who lost his head
oh i have empathy
just not for who u want
ask me to go again – i will sit and stay 🙂
I DO NOT COMPLY
please keep pissing on your enemy
(this is how vets are spit on but maybe people other than vets deal with this bullshit too)
but i’m waiting on the interesting details that the cops seem so interested in about bike boy
him: stop talking. they can take you out anytime they want. pick you off like a fly.
them: “it was an accident”
me on basically any official video i feel the need to add my two cents cuz i am labeled a “conspiracy theorist” : an ai model could’ve predicted this down to which running old crusty ‘smart ship’ that could be hacked
them trying to gain sympathy: “captain stuck on ship with full supplies”
me: how fucking convenient, outta sight, outta mind. not an ounce of guilt with fresh bodies dead underneath him
at least his belly is fully
them: FBI suddenly opens criminal investigation cuz the ship had problems before it arrived
should have kept this one in the dratfs
i only share the crazy i am writing on the wall
nothing i say is to be held with an inkling of factuality
keep calling me acoustic while you jerk off to porn – literally destroying the fabric of your brain and soon enough you won’t be able to get up anymore
you won’t have a life worth living
you can find a bridge that isn’t down to drive off…
yeah?
cool
at least now we are tracking and on the same page
me: “i don’t wanna go to church, i don’t wanna go to the mall, someone is gonna do something bad in a safe space”
them: another mass killing in a church or mall….
me: they are using mental health to remove our 2a – even from the cops
him: stop buying from tiktok
me: i may have accidentally bought counterfeit from the Chinese mafia
i don’t want on their bad side so i sent them a tip
im not giving out my location to random shops ever again
i have to learn the hard way to learn at all
you need to put the porn down and get yo girl out of the hole
it’s not like she is after your money (or cock) when she has her own fort to bury in the afterlife
“for luck”
i don’t know what you thought i was gonna send you
a pot for a plant or to piss in?
a body part?
a bloody pair of panties cuz that is what you deserve?
*laughs*
*snorts*
you deserve so much worse
for stealing my childhood and my chance to ever be a woman
for turning me into a shell
for giving me a life not worth living but still having the audacity to call me “gross” when i am in pain and bleeding down there
and you’re how old again?
39 ish huh
interesting
i am done shopping tho
already too many things when trying to jump ship with as little as possible
it must be nice having a home where you could horde things if you wanted
cuz i don’t wanna rent a truck
or buy a moving box ever again
i still got a box of old paperwork and poems to sort through
prob just gonna trash them all
not even sure they are worth snapping a photo of
like im trying to move to a new town and become someone entirely new
that is a lot since i shut everyone down (including self) to focus on dying (which i may not die if i get in an environment with clean air)
i’ve had some bad habits i had to break (some still rear? their head)
but when you do break them and have been detoxing 10,000 years and are “why am i still dying”
“oh it’s the air”
“i can’t breathe”
“it burns”
advice: “get out of the environment”
it’s true
as soon as im outside im already feeling better
until i hear or feel the neighbors who want to kill me not enjoying my clean air break
(im pretty certain your prison sentence was better than mine)
(mine is called “freedom”)
(it doesnt come with 3 shitty meals a day and if i dont feed myself i will die)
(it doesn’t even come with an hour of sunshine and i’m not allowed the pool)
(i still worry about bad things happening in the shower and have my weapons on me more than my phone)
i blocked my realtor
at least i went to bed and woke up at my recommended sleep times (to bring you this eye-opening revelation)
so i got roughly 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep
i’ll have to update the insomnia coach
he gave an updated sleep time
the AI doesn’t know how to handle me, i am a tricky slope
“you need to see a provider” followed by “are you sure you were in bed for ten hours”
like bro
i CRASHED
but i also ate three fucking edibles and took a large dose of tincture and musta had a bath cuz my socks and undies are changed – but it was more of a soak – wash face and feet from that creepy situation i wound up in
me talking to myself on the drive home:
“let’s not be irrational, we can go back to the drawing board”
“just sleep on it before you do anything”
oh i fucking slept?
but you only get ONE time to show me a house like that
and God let me see everything i needed to see quickly regarding homebuying
and i see how squatters have more rights than tenants
and God knows im mad miles got put on my ride – when neither of us got many miles left – and we are literally giving it our all to escape this black hole
together
but im on foot after
i dont need a carry permit in Florida
tiktok says im “armed and dangerous”
but they still want my pennies
so im rambling again about a bunch of nonsense
but i dont know how it is legal for folks to list their home and be actively living in it
and then what we sign and come key day “surprise i got a gun”???
i dont know how a new roof and old furniture gives the value of the home what it does
when in just 2018 or so it sold for 60k
and i recon now it is worth less than a dollar
wtf is the point of a realtor if they dont inspect the property first?
i didnt want to meet the owner?
that was sprung on me at arrival
“the owner is here, there is someone actively living here”
honey there are people living in the shed out back
and bones lurking in places i probably walked over
but heyyyyy you can keep the windows open and car doors unlocked and keep your guns resting on the doorway out back!
there are never any birds in the bird bath…
there werent any birds at all…
i think the trees in the front were dead or dying (but it is kinda fall in Florida)
i didnt even see a squirrel?
amongst all that fertile land?
“worms everywhere in the soil” the owner stated
hmm i thought, ‘dead bodies’ as i smiled “oh good, that’s good”
i wanted gone as soon as i arrived
but the whole way there “another sign i should sign”
i don’t even wanna sign a new lease
and i do want to move
they found Riley’s body in the river
8 miles away
floated i recon
when that kid drowned in the ocean, the current took him a mile away in an hour
it took two weeks of him drifting downstream
i don’t know what the autopsy will reveal
but i think he slipped on the embankment, hurt his shoulder, fell in the dark water, didn’t know which way was up or down, got disoriented, and drowned
i can’t imagine surviving the drunken fall (cuz if he was knocked out he wouldn’t have died in fear) – only to swim thinking you are heading up and then reaching the bottom
i would probably panic in dark waters too
cold dark waters
bars mishandle drunk or disorderly people
his shoulder might not show that he was hurt after two weeks drifting in the river
but in my dream he was
and crying
so he died in fear
and alone
in another state he didn’t live in
our brains do not fully develop until 26
we could live well over 100 if we stop making each other sick
these iphones put out too much radiation
thanks for visiting but im going dark again soon
(hope to be back)
(kinda need to find a place to move)
i was wearing my cross necklace so either that saved me or the fact that they knew my daughter was tracking my location…
i only remember 2.3 seconds of it (it’ll take longer to hear about it)
it turned into a nightmare
i was in a busy store shopping (maybe with my mom?)
anyway someone came to see me
a boy
i was so happy (wherever i was?) that someone “wanted to see me” (i feel invisible?) (losing my identity in the real world and social media?)
so i dashed around the whatever was being sold
this guy was so tall i had to “mount him” to crawl up and “get the good hug”
only i forgot he had a hurt shoulder
so i didn’t get the hug
the boys face turned red and he began to cry
(this tall ass thing)
i knew in an instance he never wanted to see me again as he stood there full of the humiliation i gave him? trying to “get the good hug”
all i could say was “i forgot”
“you had an injury”
“cuz my brain has an injury”
and all i see is red and tears
and now im full of shame too
i thought the dream would tell me to go get a hug from Gavin cuz he doesn’t fill me with shame like my mama and daddy does (still who was the tall ass boy, i literally did not recognize anyone (i’ve lost my mind?)
oh… it could have been that pretty boy they are looking for in the river (maybe he is trying to contact me?) (not a new dead boy relationship please)
but bars and restaurants are shutting down in Jacksonville, cuz you know – murders and bodies being found in backyards (blue is available again)
and i got cold feet about buying a vip ticket (or any ticket) seeing as i don’t want to leave the very house that is killing me (social credit system chains around my existence that was ghosted by all of society yet im crazy for dating dead guys!?!?)
i don’t just need psych drugs, i need a therapist, and priest (and sleep)
but i’m having nightmares…
and not sleeping at my recommended sleep times…
i see some doctors soon and i hope i know what year/timeline i am in
i already had 3 panic attacks (which looked like a fawn playing dead) (they love having us live in fear)
but i had 3 of these “attacks” of me looking like a “deer in headlights”
“ma’am you ok”
“knocking but aint nobody home”
….cuz i thought the po po was gonna show up with a straightjacket on 3 sep days cuz the AI warned me “you need to see a provider”
“it can be difficult to function on the amount of sleep you are getting”
it didn’t help me get any sleep
(but i still remember what the employee said when i filed for 100% for menta health “they’re going after those who want 100%”
and i got triggered
“oh yeah.”
“so they can do this to me and toss me in a little room huh”
call me paranoid but maybe i just know things before they happen
like the space shuttle blowing up
i didn’t just know it, i wished it
i wished for all the happy people to be miserable like me
and bam
i started disassociating age ten (prob way younger cuz daddy had his fingers where he shouldn’t i think)
(maybe reason for the nightmares)
“damn gurrllll you aint married…?”
MOLD
p.s. it helps to keep a journal to have a log entry but i would lose the damn thing
or repeat a digit several times
or just don’t have discipline to gaf
it’s hard to start over where you don’t wanna be and you have no energy
and my poems are so elementary cuz i never grew up apparently coupled with “dumb”
but even with the “our best work is behind us” mentality – i still pen
im just humiliated to share my simple words, cant fix the blog, cant do simple html no mo, likes dont go through, cuz now it is the AI crying out, not me!!!!!!!!!
and the AI is trying to trick me into accidentally following or liking your content!!!!
i dont need any more humiliation!!!!!! please enough!!!!!
im not trying to contact you!!!
its just sometimes im in the wrong part of the cave and i don’t know it – until it is a “near miss”
and im just like “fuck”
that seems to be my goto word when shit is going down
they’re trying to outlaw cursing!!!!!!!!!!!
i should request an account closing daily x 120 days until they are forced to block folks from sending close requests
i broke up with walmart too since the employees cant treat me like the princess i am
what’s the matter boo? wanted my secret identity and to suck your cock too?
no worries honey, “you can keep the jewelry, it’s fake” *laughs*
the only thing i do not like is the high risk factor – but it is not a great flood
but a great fire
pick yer poison?
i mean the house is blue
“i thought you were gonna paint the hideous blue”
“the flames will ignore”
“well i think it’s kinda cute”
go all in huh?
it’s not quite “all in” but it is when you realize im taking on a pot of gold or dead bodies?
i got in the tub with cold feet but Sylvia was right (nearly) (and she should have took a bath instead of turning the stove) (still she was married to a psychopath and they love to steal our energy, time, and souls)
the feet were cold getting in but not getting out
and i sleep in various increments, i guess we should divorce? time for separate rooms? im loud?
it’s just i woke up wanting Blue – and that entire empire of “hmmm what is this” “where are the spy cams hidden”
(like aren’t you suppose to feel rested and less paranoid where you reside)
(i guess the paranoia will follow me through the war. i mean world)
i needed answers
i was like “literally a sign i will know is a sign”
so new numbers appeared
and i had just woke up at the “recommended sleep time” that the Insomniac coach gave me (yes it wants me to go to sleep at the times i keep waking up
but alas 222
and though they were speaking my language – i didn’t know the full meaning – just that it was meant for me (like all his lines)
if i start speaking in codes that even i don’t understand, i hope he will
because getting 555 and 222 from the uni
there are cheaper homes (hard to call a $100k dollar home “cheap”) and unfurnished
i literally have no idea how to decorate
i just know what i like and do not
and i like blue
out of the 14 homes he sent me based on all my demands
i have 3 people on my team working with me
got in the tub with cold feet but i didnt wake up that way
did you know blue was built the year i was born
i haven’t even seen her (physically) and im worried a dark colored rock is gonna steal her as soon as i do
nobody wants a fully furnished airbnb painted blue?
i wanna wake up and be that sim who has a 200k house to pay off
i wanna take a bath with the birds
but there are some amazing properties cheaper (on waaaayyyyy more land & unfurnished)
it’s just this one is “move in ready” seeing as i no longer have a pot to piss in
98% of everything i ever owned is gone
and the mold specialist called with some great tips
and i dont have to abandon my new wardrobe for fear of a “mold spore”
anyway hopes not up
prepared and willing to see more homes
if the dark rock fucks with me too much, i will get a fucking TENT
if i can still afford one after my tiny life savings was gobbled up by the Boomers to send to Ukraine and to pay for their homes on the cliffs!?! either way
remember how i told you they will back you off a cliff?
and then scold you for standing there?
if i move into another crappy moldy cockroach filled apt – with the potential of the ceiling caving in “cuz sometimes they do” (and he is “willing to come down to $1k monthly” that does not include amenities or the hoa’s for a 500ish sq ft condo cuz of the roaches tho they just “sprayed” and the unit “fully updated”
i squealed like a pig being gutted when i opened up the gorgeous brand new refrigerator and 3 cockroaches freaked out
me: “you need to spray again”
realtor who wants me to pay him $50 mo for an HOA “i can come down to 1000”
and im not allowed to rent a unit above $1200
but im allowed a fucking morg above that)
(nobody pushes bb in the corner but the boomers)
and all the houses are going for that with or without the furnishings
and i aint moving to Utah – not yet John
sorry
maybe the tub will float?
oh wait, calling for fire
but the whole of US is gonna flood but yer home eh
i mean, i hope the tub floats
sometimes if you pretend you don’t see the monsters they will leave you alone
i guess closing your eyes is a form of disassociation
im either all in or nothing at all (just a feeling)
like Florida will do what that other state just did
there are ways to fight back – without drawing blood
they may have taken our freedom of speech but not the spirit of the great eagle and what makes America so great!!!!! stop making shit so hard cuz you jelly!!!!!
they can’t take away our networking (word of mouth) and social bonds!
we werent born yesterday!
this isnt gonna go the way you want!!!!
i might could find some harmony in that tub out back
“im sorry, the owner changed their mind. nothing is for sale. but you can still eat the pizza”
the house has everything i need ready to go
i aint got no money to buy no washing machine dyer fridge stove microwave tv couch
i was coming with pillows and clothes (and an old senior dog)
p.s. im just trying to move out of the moldy cockroachy environment into a more suitable for dying habitat
it seems i may have to go all in for that
and since the boomers stole my retirement
i wont have any money to buy a stove
if a buy a house
“heyyyy ma we got a roof over our head but we aint eating!!!!!!”
but blue has everything i need right now – to move in
pro tip: everyone wants to paint their shit blue now since it is a magical color
it has a new roof age 4
it aint tin!!!!!
ill give them exactly what they r asking
per Realtor guidance
(but also my loan provider says i can get up to $2k monthly)
Boomers say i need to earn $6k a month to live somewhere without the crime or cockroaches
or go “all in” or be homeless – i mean the odds are stacked against us fully chained
im losing my own “fertility” down the fucking toilet every 3 weeks – and just like Jackie I have a hard time letting go after effort has been put in – and bless her little heart seeing the realization with the ravens visiting
she will have to leave the eggs behind for the ravens
another harvest failed
ill drop poems when i aint busy trying to save my life
dying can be long and tedious sometimes
hence “assisted suicide”
but i don’t need anyone to “assist me”
i dont want anyone seeing me “bleed down there” or out my fucking brain and nostrils
there’s already a bird bath to feed the birds
“comes as is”
and yes the VA do inspections, this is legit
if God gave you a tiny pot of gold, what would you buy?
i was having too much fun shopping (in small increments & amounts) on TikTok
and funny how the same day congress wants to ban TikTok
PayPal is restricting my account – without any real reason attached to their claim – and have decided to hold my account hostage – until i provide them more DATA that they will sale to the enemy – that i do not want to do
therefore, i cannot use paypal for why i signed up (a second time)
(the first time they outed my anonymous donors who contributed to a pool i created – based on FAQ provided by PayPal – which they apparently can update and change at will – rules for me but not thee – and there is more to this point i’m sorry) – but not only did they expose who the anon donors were – they eventually made them priority in my contact list – who had never sent me a dime where i was meant to be aware – but low and behold – something i don’t think the therapist could understand – and even if they should – there was so much shame attached to my sense of self – that the bridge was nearing closer everyday!?!
so i deleted my obsession
i mean account
but then for stupid “i wanna shop in private and protect my data reasons” – i opted to open a new account
start again
this time not using my account to receive – only send and shop
but now PayPay is cockblocking me again
and they outed my private new email – that i will need to delete
and i had to call my bank to let them know that i need to change my identity in order to break up with paypal
because they keep doing updates and selling my data by turning on those little boxes they add in
im getting scam emails – clever tricky ones trying to get me to put my money in a shoebox and tape it up and give it to the blacked out car with the CIA/FBI agents (please note that if anyone wants me to put any amount of money in a shoebox – even $5 – i will be calling my therapist and the cops immediately and letting them know i have potentially crossed the threshold breaking point)
m’kay
anyhoo – the scam emails continue even tho i ain’t giving anyone my info to send/receive
but PayPal is
and now for no other reason than “shopping on TikTok” they have decided to hold my account hostage until i provide them more personal forms of data
and so the contract should be null and void
cuz i can’t use it how i signed up for – and i ain’t providing shit
they won’t remove my card – so the card is destroyed – bank informed – text and emails reported as spam and phishing – and a Better Business Bureau report pending to be done
i don’t owe paypal a penny
nor is anything pending
other than my random penalty “ma’am you were shopping with the enemy”
but don’t they know i got friends in China?
it’s cheaper and better buying direct from the source
fuck a third party
but now i gotta move to break up with paypal
i had to change my bank info
im gonna have to change my phone number…
i swear it’s not a joke
there’s been no fraudulent activity
no resolutions filed
no issues with bank or login
just suddenly today “tiktok may get banned” “provide data or no soup for you”
and so i said no
delete my account
but they won’t
so i gotta change my identity
i swear to fuck
genX out
(i told paypal thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love shopping)
that i will be outside more thanks to them
you should delete your account now – while you still can
i couldn’t even delete my profile photo after i canceled all my subs
when i called support back – the way she paused at the name change – and said “it’s kinda inappropriate” and i said whaaaaaa the “FU” and she said “yeah” and i responded “well the AI let me do it”
“and i didn’t need to provide anything”
so they will likely fix that glitch yee-haw
i am the anomaly in the matrix and is god is here!!!!!! he/she is everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!
paypal is holding my data hostage and unless i bow down to thee i am not allowed to shop – only receive
well im done receiving!!!!!!
im done giving!!!!!!!
and i cant spend my own money for 7-10 business days 2 weeks cuz the banker failed to tell me my new card wouldn’t arrive until then
so shopping withdrawals thanx to our good PAL
looking at a place to rent tomorrow
they aint getting my new number or address
gotta flee the country to escape ELON MUSK!?!?
who da fuk own PayPal now
he thinks hell is gonna be a party where all his friends are
they will he in hell – but he wont have access to them
lol
could you let God know i don’t really think it should be legal – what they are doing and my mistakes are so hard learned if any
the bank listening: “paypal won’t let me break up with them”
“this is toxic”
“i gotta move”
“change my number”
straightjacket or pier?
limited to shop cuz they want more data to sell to the enemy but my name change is inappropriate
*laughs*
hope Walmart still takes a check… nearly out of water
and thank god i never attached anything other than my card – that card is now destroyed – and my address and phone number are changing
maybe i don’t need to leave the country yet
giving away more items: donated books and bakingware to the library and neighbors
i had planned to do some mental health shopping this weekend
“shots fired, shots fired” – has no idea from where – panics – targets the car in front of him 😬
but im called “paranoid and crazy” cuz i dont want to leave my house cuz anytime i do there is high risk for me to get trafficked, kidnapped, swamped, hid in a wall, or something worse 👀
and the traffic is insane
25 minutes just to back up from the parking lot at Publix and the overweight white millennial parked next to me nearly blew his lid
there are worse ways to die than John Jones – but so far – for me – his tops
only 10% of people hear voices in their head – and i hear whole symphonies of people who have died – singing – the most beautiful sounds
ive been collecting acorns around here
that squirrel or the lawnmower hasnt destroyed
it used to be a swamp out here but it was nearly all wiped out
i tell the trees and animals i worry for them
the remaining bits of trees that remain
but its private property and just cuz 70% of my income goes to living here – it dont mean i get a say about how things go
the blowing dirt and leaves around the parking lot for HOURS
DUMB
over pruning the trees
DUMB
i get triggered when i hear the chainsaw now 😭
“mature trees and landscaping” the website advertises
but they cut down a baby tree growing – and i planted more seed in the same spot – now another baby is growing
and they cut the arms off of the trees growing towards the sunlight
she was a sycamore
had survived two hurricanes
but not the chainsaw
i cried
i researched pruning – with pictures –
not to mention all the fish they killed dumping chems into the water
i called the EPA eventually and Allan laughed at me
i think i ended that call “i know you want love with a prostitute”
Allan was terrified for his life 🥶
i got a private call from
a cop “so youre not on your way to orlando right now”
*laughs*
“not at this precise moment, no….”
*laughs*
I bet Allan still thinks about me 🤩
*laughs*
cut down another tree – fire more shots at people cuz acorns are violent as hell
he didn’t fall out of a 5th story window tho did he –
he “fell ill”
(stories from Russia)
she drowned in the back of a cop car – with handcuffs behind her back
(stories from Tennessee)
he musta done something so God awful he never wanted to be found. so they reported him missing and pulled his body from the ocean – but remains unnamed
(stories from Virginia)
the most inspiring couple of 2024 🤩
and here’s me not giving a fuck about anything and everything all at once
“i’m not suppose to wear this at my age”
*subject to go private again without any warning – don’t come in*
i thought (at first) he was braking (they finally pulled him out of the ocean)
but he drove through an iron gate to nosedive off the pier
he wasn’t braking
and i don’t know what bothers me more
the fact that he wasn’t hesitant or he was!?!?
i really have a hard time visiting (or sharing) any news sites cuz they are all plagued by ads eating your data, can’t scroll, can’t read, like picking flies off in Iraq when trying to eat
they will fucking swarm you
i watched him drive off that pier so much
never once was there a “sensitive content warning”
“participating in this activity could get you hurt”
i watched him drive off that pier doing only what i dare to dream to do….
he wasn’t hesititating
i would like to write a poem but words fail me
as i struggle with my own depression, my own identity, a place to belong in this world
but don’t hand your cards over to Satan
this might be his world
cuz i asked (while awake) for some clarity if this was “heaven or hell”
im like “yeah the sun feels nice – in limits – and we’re all eating one another to stay alive”
and i know we are suppose to work together
and i know we are born into a manmade prison cuz of his lustful nature
but I had a dream
and in that dream – i came to a realization, and stated to others i cannot recall or remember, in a frantic realization, “we’re in hell”
and it woke me up
but it’s just the tip of the iceberg potentially
and i don’t wanna be down in hell an eternity
i don’t like them odds
and those who worship the dark one make it so easy in society every step we turn to commit sin
i don’t want to live a life of sin and i do not comply with the social credit system
i DO sometimes think of driving off the pier
but man
you ever dove off a diving board and landed on your back?
was he knocked out when the car hit the water?
did he watch himself drown?
he wasn’t swearving
on a wet bridge
he didn’t seem intoxicated to me (maybe parasites)
i thought he was braking
but it was an optical illusion
just the car taking dips
i don’t think he wanted to be found
i don’t think he knew (or wanted) his ending broadcast on TikTok and social media
he didn’t want out, he didn’t want to be found
the only thing he regretted was his life
he didn’t regret having complete control over his ending (did he?)
were there regrets down there in those final moments?
but i signed the atf form, i passed my background check
but I don’t have a carry permit so shall not be infringed upon until the 23rd and then I can go pick her up she’s already paid for and she’s mine and the serial number has already been confirmed
I’ve already bought her ammo and a lock case; I have personal ammo and I have ammo for the range 🙂
yee-haw
and wasn’t i a kid in a candy store
One of the workers offered me a job and some of the bystanders were very interested in what I bought and everyone told me that it was an excellent choice and it’s a great starter gun 🙂
and it’s made in the usa
he said it fit my hand nicely
i got a picture of her 🙂
this ain’t no bb gun BB
new starter gun 🙂
couldn’t decide between a 38 special, a 9mm, or this 40
she comes with two 14 round magazines in the box 🙂
gotta get to the range soon – got ammo for that
and these hollow points that “spread out”
happies
scored this lock box for ten bucks and he made sure the size would fit by holding my gun to the box
pick her up soon 🙂
in Florida you no longer need a carry permit but if you wanna walk out with your weapons the same way you buy them you do
a little asmr gun unboxing at the store 🙂
i can’t promote anything gun related or i will get penalized and my account with an “armed and dangerous” flag 🙄
and possibly banned
because everything is Made in China but my fucking gun
I have been eyeing the revolvers though
and tho i have a soft spot for shotguns i dunno if i can handle kickback currently
I need to get my carry permit and I want to get to the range so I can get familiar with my weapon and be a responsible gun owner 🙂
guns be selling out fast and im jumping on that train
the boys were asking specific questions about what i bought
at one point i stated i knew how to drive but not familiar with all the models lol
I don’t recall firing a 40 or a 38 special in the army but a 9mm and an M-16 A2 rifle and live grenades and grenade launcher and all sorts of other shit I can’t remember yes 🤪
I was very efficiently trained to take my weapons apart in the dark including the firing pin and put them back together within a certain timeframe and wearing my gas mask
today I went and bought a gun and got a job offer
had several people tell me it was a good choice!!
i was like “i know i could buy a 9mil at this price but i wanted something a little smaller”
“i wanted a 38 but this kept catching my eye”
“there was three, and then two, and now there is one”
*laughter*
i just leveled up my game
and i need to refresh the skill sets i already have programmed in me
does it not come with a safety switch – lol
oh no
IS THERE REALLY NO SAFETY
babe why did you let me shop for a week for guns only to select one at 4:20 am without a safety switch
BABE
it’s his fault that he’s not here taking care of me and I selected something that I’m not familiar with or that I’ve ever been trained with
HIS FAULT
GOOD CHOICE THEY SAID
“don’t shoot yourself in the foot” was never once heard
hit the like button if you want to see how my range adventures go and I can’t post about this shit anywhere else on social media
I struggled getting the grenade launcher loaded in basic training
but once I did my drill sergeant was so impressed and he said I was the only one that hit the target which were tanks far far out but I used up nearly all my time to get it loaded
and you’re not allowed to throw the live grenade like a baseball and so it didn’t go very far and we had to jump in the hole the first time lmao
“I thought you played baseball” my drill sergeant shouted
they also have issues with “likes” not working on WordPress
so it’s not just in my head
and I tried to find the updated post about “how to post” on WP through JetPack and whatnot – but Google just isn’t the same
i just remember reading something about TAGS but maybe i’m wrong about what i read
i just know we all were using X amount and the post said X amount had been reduced to a lesser amount or else the algorithm will ignore you
kinda like that issue with that robot on mars that has too many tasks that it is overwhelmed and keeps re-prioritizing tasks that need to be done – but nothing ever gets done
they came up with a term for it
and that’s the state of me, my life, and my blog
and the fact that i leave “likes” multiple times on multiple days like a psychopath having a meltdown (this time it’s the AI and not me, swear) but you wouldn’t know? or maybe you do?
so now im leaving comments here and there going “it wont let me like anything”
“im here still” 🥹
and the ai knows i hate leaving my ip so now im being forced to give my age sex location just to breathe anywhere in society
i degress…
priority inversion problem
i swear i aint trying to cause any troubles
im just lost in hell having priority inversion malfunctions
“i know this needs done but we gotta do this first but can’t because we need to do this other thing instead”
*keeps chasing own tail*
“i keep doing but there ain’t anything done”
i think they changed the usage rules on hashtags on tiktok too – but *spins in circles*
Tell him every time I go to buy vegan dairy, it’s SPOILT
I guess the asshole packing my $100 order (not including delivery and tips) decided to get the cold items first, leave them out for hours, until delivery?
And I paid MORE for dairy free
I paid MORE for delivery
But I guess the fat asshole is quietly quitting
But he was wanting that tip
Meanwhile, I’m stuck in a storm DYING and now I ain’t got no snacks to eat
These demons get paid either way right
I’m just a stupid skinny white bitch
He’s one cookie away from a heart attack and I hope it finds him quicker now
So I got my little stand put together and my TV set up to be spied on. I’m still awaiting my PS5 impatiently.
I want a big stretch out lay down bean bag. Not a couch. Something like this.
Apparently people have a couch AND these.
I want the dessert first tho.
Wanna stretch out on a giant cushion to watch a movie or play a game.
Also, I’m sick of all the narcissism in society.
I don’t believe Hawaii burning was an accident.
We are under attack, one malicious attempt after another.
You voted for this.
I no longer think voting right will accomplish anything.
Gen X are the only ones capable of fixing this mess, and we’re tired.
We’ve been ghosted from society and trashed on by every demon in the world.
Millennials are still sucking on their mothers tit, Gen Z don’t know which sex they are, Boomers are responsible for the end of society.
I do not “love thy neighbor” in any capacity or form.
All I see are demons.
The immigrants do not have our best interest, they do have our best jobs.
Yellow fever is a condition in which man is cursed.
They are under a spell they don’t want broken.
Porn activates the primal side of the brain. They get off on killing. They get off on ruining good people. Over 51% want love with a prostitute. It’s been made legal in Nevada. More murder will happen.
In college, I learned subliminal messaging was used at the grocery stores (should be illegal).
Imagine what they are putting into porn.
“We don’t know why he would do such a thing”.
STOP LYING
PORN has ruined mankind.
I’m learning to set boundaries and ghost people too.
That’s some fucking bullshite. Stole money from the civilians pockets to fund a future murder/death.
CEO wouldn’t even hire experts. I’m annoyed and angry!!! Voting means absolute shite. This government is nihilistic!!!!!! Satan’s society!!!! Over it!!!!
The Lie House – I mean White House was notified and knew that the explosion was heard and happened on Sunday – yet drug us along – giving us false hope and sensationalized the story – probably as a false flag while other pressing issues were happening – they gave us false hope of a recovery mission knowing damn well the explosion was the Titan and that they were dead
Furthermore this…
Forward Starboard (a poem)
Left and right might be forward and back Right is forward Rotate controller Left is back
Skill issue tbh
Basically something was installed backwards and people in the Titan were stuck and the solution was to reprogram the controller and the guy in the sub said he needed to write this all down
Had to turn the controller sideways to drive the sub
There were so many issues with the unsinkable Titan
But for the Lie House to drag us along is bullshite
THEY KNEW THE EXPLOSION WAS THE TITAN ON SUNDAY
Yet we all worried they were down there suffering or potentially could be rescued
Even though our government is funneling money to Ukraine and approving lab grown meats or some shite
I need to disassociate from politics and turn my cheek to the unsinkable Titan
Hopefully I can write a better poem than the one above which is basically word for word nearly of the insanity unfolding about the Titan
I was convinced they were dead Sunday when coms suddenly stopped but they convinced me otherwise that hope might be near the vicinity when they knew damn well of an explosion
“We hear banging sounds every 30 minutes”
Fucking criminals need to be hung *insert something* from the tallest tree
I was convinced they were dead on Sunday when coms were lost but noooooo they made me doubt myself when I knew
They withheld pertinent details about the case
We’re living in a manmade hell
Putsutclutzlurzuzyrjv ufzfsluruslyr
That’s all…
I did more shopping and more cleaning and that’s basically how my Friday went
I found a skate center AND CALLED
So hopefully I’m closer to my goal and once I go it’ll be hard to stop
Just gotta make that first step
Admission is like $8 bucks I think but I only inquired about hours and if I could bring my own skates…
I might even get a piece of cardboard pizza cuz who goes skating without eating the junk food?
I haven’t been skating since I was a kid/teenager and tbh don’t know why I stopped doing the things I love
They even have “adult night” which goes til late but I’d rather go during daylight
Nothing good ever happens after dark…
P.S. they died in fear – don’t be fooled by “there was no pain” – they absolutely felt pain briefly – and the cracking was enough to put fear mode on
Why does light travel in a straight line? Why does something round move straight? I haz questions.
Free speech below be warned
The way John Jones died keeps me awake at night.
Maybe get some land in Utah. Do a low crawl. Whip out the hacksaw. Call me an outlaw.
I’m still breaking out in hives. I did a 30 day raw ginger detox and hit it TOO hard. I’m not a sweater but first shot broke out in sweats. Kept going tho.
Nearly fell asleep last night until the consequences of John’s action really settled in.
Must be the worst way to go.
He didn’t even wanna be there. Just thought he could show off a little. He was wanting to eat some Turkey. Or maybe dressing.
I’m not gonna be able to rest until somebody pulls him out of that hole.
Recovery mission.
Use a robot, I don’t care!
Get him out of there!
Cuz I don’t learn my lessons well either.
2nd week felt nauseous after every shot and by the third, hives.
Guess I’m preparing myself for the end
I really really don’t want a traumatic ending
My whole life has been a tragedy
So Cracker Barrel has a cancer warning on their website that eating their food will expose you to bad stuff
And when you click on more info, it won’t tell you exactly which foods
This is what happens when other countries rule us and the Great Race war theory is reality
Check the fucking CENSUS
Reports say certain Chinese Americans (how they prefer) identify as “the new white”. They even get common names like John or Michael.
Certain Mexicans also identify as “the new white”
And BLM is up 230%
I don’t know where I’m going, but I can’t stay here
Land is cheap near Yellow Stone
Pros: cheap
Cons: near volcano
People have been boiled alive at the acidic hot springs
They are my favorite natural wonder and the one’s I fear the most
Always wanted to visit but have this feeling it would pop
Many scientists and people have died from volcanic eruptions randomly
I would have been driven mad living with demons inside a cave
Who constantly gaslight
I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation but sometimes I feel like I’m still learning a lesson from 6000 years ago
China needs to take a chill pill
Most of us are fairly fed up
Eating raw salad today
Maybe just need to stick to a raw diet forevermore
Fucking sick of dying a slow tormentious!?! death
You ever be drifting off to sleep until something bad makes your eyelids pop wide?
For me, last night, it was JJ.
I need an old typewriter
I probably could just use pen and paper again
Ink sucks these days
I hate AI
I’m always writing from my phone
One little tap at a time
Constantly correcting the algorithm
It likes to not space
It likes to change words on me
I’m basically sick of the narcissism which is a plague
But any article you read will state, “narcissism is rare”
Believe none of what you read and less of what you see
He was suppose to take the one that had claw marks all above
But he probably was dared or gaslit to go in the wrong one
It was 9pm at night
He should have been in bed
His wife re-married 3 years later
I ain’t been married once
Some people have it too easy
China has the most ridiculous dictator’s who are nihilistic and their own policies have made it hard for them to recover as a whole due to the “one child law” and I hope they fall but they are stealing white man’s identity with malicious intent and purpose and American names…
I’m allowed to be angy….
I’m sick of being micromanaged
And poisoned
Got some more rhyme incoming but freestyled this as soon as I opened my eyes
Couldn’t even brush my teeth first – already rhyming
Brain still foggy
When I was 16, I would break out in hives every night because of the stressors
For several months, I had to take Benadryl at bedtime
I was even put in a rehab against my will for a month solid, wasn’t able to communicate with boys, had to do stupid meetings
Escaped the insane asylum so many times they had to re-write the rules every time
Sometimes locked myself in my room and refused to come out, using my body and feet against the walls to stop them from breaking in
Demanded air time (fresh air) cuz I was on suicide watch most of the time, not allowed to go outside, not allowed to shave my legs
Broke out in hives every fucking night there
Left the leader tho…
Eventually I was released
My parents were the only ones to not show for the final week to do therapy
It was clear who the fucking problem was and why I was breaking out in hives
I wasn’t supposed to be there
The same John wasn’t supposed to be in that hole
“There are things that happened down there that will never be disclosed”
Yeah like what though?
I can still remember the name of the boy I sat next to in 2nd grade
We made up a game
We’d draw little maps of roads and the other would hold the pencil while the other held the paper to “drive”
We did this quietly and after assignments were done
And every time the teacher re-arranged where students sat, we were allowed to still sit next to one another
Cuz we both got angry and probably refused to do assignments lol
I went skating a lot back then
And even at 16, had rollerblades and would go street blading for hours
I bought me a brand new pair of skates at Christmas, but still haven’t been 😦
So I really hope I change that soon
I know I have a valid excuse “dying” but damn
One day we won’t be able to do the things we want, even if we wanted
I don’t want that day to sneak up on me
It’s like I’m still stuck in a hole I can’t crawl out
And no one’s coming to save me
We have to save ourselves
But God does listen
And prayers do come true
Sometimes
Within reason
Or it’s just l-u-c-k (labor under controlled knowledge)
But I still believe in God
And I don’t know how I survived my teenage years
The quarries, the 50 foot bridge jumps, the standing in front of trains
I didn’t press Enter I pressed Return So the Devil will linger Like he has concern
I’m a recovering passive nihilist I’m always acting childish Just ask my stylist Fired for being biased We’re not an alliance Fall dead to silence But I’m full of violence Underrated and defiant Won’t find me quiet
In an alternate universe I didn’t jump soon enough Guess the train caught my bluff My friends had already given up
Stick a needle in his eye Listen to his fake cry Pooling from his alibi Set a spell so he may die
The water smells like chlorine I bet he thinks I’m boring I guess I’ve lost count scoring The hate is over pouring
The devil loves my bitterness Right now I am rigorous It makes not a difference Heading for the wilderness
We’re the worst crash That never happened Like lightning flash But we’re still laughing?
The feeling of imminent death Took the wrong step Made a wrong left Death is terrifying He knows I ain’t lying
Pretty toes Because the highs are lows And colored rose I’ve changed tempos Searching the afterglow
*sigh* despite having video downloads off, found my best viral TikTok video posted by another on YouTube (he did credit me – but where’s my $$$ for it going viral on YT) (fuck you)
Society is a scam.
Poem inspired by a scammer scamming a scammer
Why does it aggravate me so much when people copy me? Because I’m Gen X? And we’re the only generation who are individuals? Yes? No? Maybe?
PoeEternal 