LMAO it’s such a convincing photo I actually have people on TikTok who think I am stalking him?
LOL yes? But I’m not the reason he is hiding? It was lunch hour and the frontside was busy. I accidentally went the wrong way and then accidentally bumped into the Teslar again and now am an accidental stalker? I just thought it made for a good story? Plus, I smiled the cutest smile and waved with my eyes closed when passing (though no one was inside – I’m sure it was recorded?)
If there is a snapshot of me, he may be scared or in-love?
“How did I meet your mother? Well she was stalking my car…”
“Instead of getting a restraining order, I got her a meal”
“Didn’t have to worry about her keying my car at least”
There you are…
Does God want us to meet?
He’s gonna have to sell his damn car because of me…
And got in trouble trying to share a prescribed medicine!?!?
Go on then, penalize me…
I got more than ghosts under my bed…
Not covered by my insurance
But I ain’t scratching on bullets yet
If you are confused, I started a new treatment plan that my Primary doc put me on – it’s new – she has been to training on it – i didn’t have to go to the animal feed – and she said ID would prob not be on board (infectious disease like on ET) – only ID stated “you’re not suppose to take it that long” and I replied “I’m not ready to lose you or my medicine” but she refilled it and said she’d see me again in 2-3 months
It’s informed consent and my family don’t give a fuk and prob wish I’d hurry up and die – so i am taking my time – plus you’re my ride or die?
I blog. I’m a blogger. The spacebar NEVER works. The ai is DUMB. I want a polaroid. And now Gen Y leave their tech at the door… cuz I said I wanted a tech-free zone *rolls eyes* and now they have made a way to turn that idea viral
i hate u
sometimes
More times than not
Always stealing my ideas and making them better
Fucking snobs
Got some low dose something or another instructed to take at bedtime
It ain’t bedtime yet
Doc said it cures cancer
And the FEDS knocked down the door of the guy who made it and stated it? And she can’t get anyone in the VA to listen
I said “go on…
ID said i ain’t suppose to take it that long
But I mean it’s this or Mt Everest
Which means Utah cave crawling and I made them turn the light on for my MRI….
Prob Mt Everest
Ahh too late tho they changed the rules
Can’t go there to die (officially)
I ain’t going to Switzerland and getting in no death pod
Psst… too many distractions, too many popups trying to be a photographer/blogger with an iPhone
I want a polaroid
I think people are nostalgic for my sense of self?
If you wanna see the world thru my eyes we going back to the 80s
Magazine posters on the wall
Wearing clothes until they get holes and calling it a favorite
“Where’d you get it”
“A different time and decade”
Also me:
So I got these coming? They may or may not fit?
But I did <since> find a size chart so even tho I’m tiny tiny I still may need some weird size?
A small is coming
I was like “i’m 110 pounds 5’6″” and next thing I know boss came out the warehouse having found some yoga pants
I don’t care that my ass is whatever it is, if I don’t cover up I’m gonna get arrested and I wanna wear that
Them shorts above
Potentially
Cuz life is all about potentials
I also joined Nike – and found me a pair of walkers for the price of a cheap Walmart knockout ($36) with the sales
So I added socks
And now if I can get my hips to work or you know – the entirety – new shoes for the feet
(You also get 60 days to decide as a member and can return/exchange)
And now I don’t remember ever owning a pair of Nike before?
This may be my first Nike?
I didn’t have to break the bank or whatever but they do have $200-300 dollar shoes (Walmart were charging $29 and above for some knockoffs)
I decided to get designer shoes
I may keep the shoebox and store all my hate inside
I mean photos n thangs
P.S.S.S. No weapons were shown in the making of this post <potentially> but some folks keep theirs right next to the unlocked door
Welcome in…
P.S.S.S.S.Sxinfinity why am I always hungry!?!
3 days in and still eating on the soup. Re-arranged the whole damn house. Am I tired of eating a big pot of vegan soup for days? No. This is my One Pot Wonder and can literally be made in the field. I ain’t throwing up or shitting myself eating it. Your nose will run and you may break a sweat eating ONE BITE cuz it’s level 5 HOT. But not so hot it strips the taste buds from yer tongue m’kay. It needs no added salt, pepper even 3 days in. It still tastes like day 1. I have perfected the one pot wonder but sometimes i fuck it up and must order pizza. Not this time (plus doc says no dairy)
Psst… it ain’t done yet. It takes about a decade to make this meal. But I always make it different and so I call it “witches stew”. Stew because I leave the veggies whole or chunky.
It smells like it will devour your soul (in a good way).
I dunno what you’re waiting on Hell to come? I have arrived Sat down outside With pen in hand But I’m out of ink? But these walls know what I think? Like considering heaven And the events to get me there then? It’s far from happening Though death is companying Like an uninvited guest at my deathbed I wanted you instead? Your words? Your calls? My phone a friend? Whom I can but can’t depend? Us against them? Gone yet united? The system? The stranger you’re lying with? Oh you know their name? Cool but I’m no longer hiding that I have gone insane? Maybe only temporary? Can’t take this to the pearly gates I’m expressing all my rage But I’m innocent The midnight moon glowing The avalanche down the mountain flowing Honestly, might be where I’m going? Since the mountains are the only ones who are calling!!! And hell froze over on me In the hottest parts of the city I was like wait a minute, “it is snowing” So that’s my reality And the neighbors building melting snowmen While my rage is burning within Yelling at the therapist, “I don’t like the sound of voices… except his” “Yours is okay, I actually admitted this”!?! Like I can handle a “handful” But not in succession “I quit group confession” But I really need a priest? My new doctor thinks she can fix what is inside of me? INFORMED CONSENT I’m ready to try it Left the doc a message “I’m pretty sick” Just got off the phone with a pharmacist But as far as my medicinal “I ain’t gotta quit” Thank fuck About to take a hit (Just hopepray this ain’t the culprit) Cuz coconut ain’t on the foods to eat And I ate a bit…. 🙂
They dilated my eyes this morning cuz i had my lookers examined – and at first it was without my glasses on – they are using a new method with a mirror and computer screen laser and I could see fuck all. She kept turning nobs “and now” and the panic set it “not like anything at all” and she did not realize my glasses were corrective (she thought just readers) and the instant relief we both had and the laughter coming from the room “i can see the smallest lines”
I ain’t blind
I mean, without glasses, I can see there’s a sign but I couldn’t tell you the name of the road
“You go a couple miles til you see Big Lots, now if you get to the Circle K you’ve gone too far”
And while you over there swing by the drive thru Little Caesar’s and get me one of them $10 stuffed crust
(Only they ain’t ten in my city, a couple more)
And I was at the grill at the VA today ordering 3 scrambled brown eggs
“You got any vegan turkey bacon or sausage”
“We got some Turkey bacon but it ain’t vegan”
“My doc says I can’t have no meat currently but some of us can’t be no vegetarian”
And an echo of “amen” “i hear that”
But I only got the toast and eggs
Wish I had got SIX SCRAMBLED
Next time double
I might be little but I got a big appetite
Greedy lil thang
It’s annoying how much I gotta eat to constantly be losing weight
But while being very sick I ordered Chipotle (not pizza) to get a salad and they had NO CHICKEN which I suddenly hate the taste of chicken?
So I got the beef
My body absorbed it
It said FUCK YEAH
Cuz I really needed some meat and I refuse pork but they were out of chicken and I hate chicken?
So to me the universe directed me to the “all beef”
The cow is in heaven now and my tummy
I will not make a habit tho
I’ve gone MONTHS without beef eating only chicken and then no meat for several weeks and almost died
You come cook the lentil meatloaf
I’m DYING
I need SOUP
My VEGAN SOUP
so that is my goal
Back to my homemade soups!
I thrive on vegan soup, spring water, and cashews.
Back to the basics for me
And oatmeal IS on the foods I can eat
Thank GOD
I literally cried cuz she said “no cereal” but to me oatmeal is cereal
The good oatmeal with berries im allowed
–
And I love eating eggs again?
I thought I hated eggs but now I will inhale them
Just eggs
No salt, no pepper
Scrambled. Grill. Buttered toast (i dunno if the toast is allowed) (please give me one piece of toast)
THANK YOU
(Claim the grits too) (Even tho they ain’t allowed)
There’s no benefits to corn
CABBAGE ON THE GOOD LIST THO
(I made a spicy vegan taco with cabbage – don’t overcook the cab) – it was fab)
P.S. i told the psych doc i did not need any help euthanizing myself if/when the time comes (if) and he upped my meds…. FYI
And I have to see him again in 3 weeks…
The truth is, I prob would need your help cuz I wouldn’t wanna burn in hell for all eternity
God would forgive you potentially
This isn’t an invite
You just need to prepare
In case
“Too analytical” but how the fuck else would you crunch the kinda numbers you do?
I math in my own way
You know I see things you don’t
And you understand the thing I see
Most days I’m sorting out which timeline I am in
(Is this why you don’t call)
(please don’t call)
It’s better if we write?
Getting new eyes. These were my choices. I was allowed 3 frames. 1 for reading, 1 tinted for driving, and one for day. Any extras I had to pay. So took the freebies. Cuz Ivermetin cost me $180 alone woot woot (but she thinks it’s gonna sort me)
Need the good prays
New eyes incoming soon
They do sell ray-bans but those ain’t free lol
I do like the 3 new frames incoming tho (the clear will be my readers, the purple/black the tint, and the cute feminine pair on top is for my dailyware
She said they made me look ten years younger 🙂
We’ll see 🙂
I also still have no computer cuz at war with big bro?
They dilated my eyes and I had to drive home in a big storm
I like when the killer walks me to the exit gate. I do not like when the killer takes me to the corner and does something i’d rather not repeat… i like watching the killer go after my teammates – he will watch me watching him – i do not like when the killer hooks me *mad face* i do like when the killer chases me and carries me but lets me go… i don’t always want my team to be sacrificed and he should abide and sometimes they do… sometimes the killer will be acting so heated and shady i gotta calm him down… “i turned the killer friendly…” “maybe” “it could go either way”
…even the grey light was blinding
And I hope to get back to rhyming 🙂
More future updates/notes in rhyme mode?
Practice makes the perfects worse I swear
Pssst… waiting on a story from you
I wanna share my story ideas
Rough drafts
Maybe I’m afraid you’ll know how much I’m twisted?
These days, the script is written, no point in keeping it hidden? 🙂
“She’s a little kuku? But she’s harmless” “for now”
“..i wouldn’t go testing the waters or nothing”
“…the Army trained her you know…”
“Uncle Sam’s fault she’s that way”
“She’s like a gremlin”
“Just don’t feed her after midnight…”
I told the pill doc I had no prob euthanizing myself – i can be approved in Canada – when is the VA offering it
And he upped my meds…
Told him I be crying randomly in public or at home doing anything
It’s very rare to find a woke doc inside the VA but i’ve done did
And this is HUGE
the fact that it is in my records officially as a vaccine injury – despite the informed consent and non-traditional forms of treatment
And my new doctor has forbidden me to eat any meat or dairy (this should please the vegan?)
CARRAGEENAN FREE
I’m not allowed – furthermore – she removed me from my protein shake regime that the nutritionist had put me on – it has carriage in it or something (I’m not correcting the AI)
(More info I was given about my vaccine injury)
She was waving a book around, “i can’t get the VA on board, it’s not FDA approved, but you won’t need to go to the feed store”
And of course, I’ll have to pay out of pocket for the treatments
I won’t repeat everything said but it makes us sound super paranoid – but she unplugged from the Matrix
I specifically asked do I need to give up my medicinal and she said no
New treatment plan
She stated the international markets are okay to shop at, she specifically mentioned “black rice”
And now I’m wondering if I’ve ever even had black rice?
But you know, Walmart tried to kill me while I was paying for a membership
And it’s not hearsay because they sent me two emails telling me I was potentially exposed to E. coli and heavy metals
But to finally get someone inside, the VA to ACKNOWLEDGE and treat me for vaccine injury is huge, she also mentioned cancer
She doesn’t want it turning into cancer
I’m still losing weight but my labs look good, my kidneys, my liver
I’m on 10% energy – vaccine injury
(it is a side effect) (i’m not lazy)
I gotta give up the meat and the cheese, but I can keep the weed (legally)
no processed foods and I gotta go back in a few months. I didn’t see any mention of coffee on the list so we’re gonna have to have that discussion soon because I need to know, can I have coffee still?
Important stuffs
Anyway, I’m not in remission yet but my doctor has hooked me up with a connect that’s gonna get me ivermectin and I don’t gotta go to the feed store.
There’s also the long list from Amazon that I need to shop
Once I get my hands on the goods, and we’re looking roughly $300+ to start, and that’s not counting the grocery shopping for “the good food items”
Bananas are best when they’ve gone bad (you know when they’re mushy) that’s when they’re highest in whatever it was she said that was in there that I need (fiber?)
And I’m absolutely not allowed to do any more amoxicillin, she says that destroys my gut health
Cuz I broke out in a rash from the 2000mg that the dentist gave me
And had a two day migraine
She said cereal is bad
I’m not allowed cereal
I gotta get my diet under control if I don’t wanna die
(In summary: i don’t wanna die)
Oh you stayed?
From right now – no filter (but I swear they apply some sort of ugly filter when you don’t use a filter at all to try to force you to use a filter instead, but then I look in the mirror and I think it’s worse)
Ack
I’m going to a salon soon and I’m gonna see if they can remove some of these sunspots from my face and wrinkles (how much does Botox cost? Should I get a breast implant? Should I just pay off my ride?)
Byeee for now (and I really really really wanna catch up on y’all’s blogs. I really do. I really wanna go for a walk around the neighborhood. There’s so much I would like to be able to do and I just can’t?)
And I’m not autistic so you can let him know I’m not autistic but I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 16
There’s a serial killer on the loose Roaming places you once knew SAID YOU HATE IT TOO Blackouts in Spain Signals lost in Europe Doc says I’m insane Your image Burns like sunrays Might forget your name But not today
I’m switching squads Never tell me the odds
GOT IN TROUBLE FOR COLORING!
And watering my plants
Prob gonna buy. I can barely walk. But one can dream and waste money simultaneously..
Want another poem?
Oh you want me to open it? I gotta read it for you too? *rolls eyes*
You ask me what I think? Relax and let the ship sink. The fridge is empty. That’s why we’re sinking?
One day I know you will write Until then You keep on counting when The sun will turn grey Like my head will one day?
In between the heartache The constant tug-of-war The daily battles And crying on the floor The thinning hair and desires And hours wanting more There was so much love Worth fighting for
6000 years of nihilism but there’s gonna be hell to pay
He went through all the emotions at once Psychosis Like distant chanting There were no monks Yet heard voices calling He locked death in trunks
Hey, Where are you? I’m locked out of my account. Like being locked out of the house. But there’s no yard about.
There’s a stench Coming from below Where the landlord resides Could be a dead body Could be anybody Decisions don’t decide
I like when the killer walks me to the exit gate / cuz I’m his favorite / the one he’ll never hate
He called Said time isn’t linear I bawled Lips confessed he was a sinner
We were standing in a blast zone I knew we didn’t have too long
I asked, who ripped the soul from this place? Like he was looking at heaven’s grace (can’t take his eyes from my face)
Couldn’t tell you I’m better or worse Wouldn’t tell you I might need a hearse
He’s double worried. Again worried. So make that a triple.
I picked up a lot of details.
5 men. Drones. Rooms with blue lights. Cancer. Cops. Mexico. An apartment. Girls who disappear.
But my house is trapped with a single blade of worry.
…. the kind of love letters i receive (thought i’d share a tidbit cuz i don’t kiss and tell) (the entire things reads like a horror film – but he’s worried for me – really really worried). This is how I hyphen unless it’s a sugar-free word. I dunno. I’m not changing now.
I’m not sharing the rest of the DM, not even with the FBI. It does read a whole lot better than this whole blog post but I think there might be at least three lines in this blog post that were worth reading plus you got a new photo!?!
Okay BYEEEE
(And the Army trained me to take on more than 5 guys. So did my skinhead boyfriend. It was a long time ago and I was dumb. But I remember his best friend was named after a black guy and I said that must suck. Because he was a racist, but his name was Jesse Williams or something
I’m not racist. I hate everybody but listen they were OK. They were fucking racist but the irony was the white dude was named after a black person so I just thought that was interesting cause I was 15 years old so don’t take it out on me OK because I made fun of him for being racist AnyWho.
I’m done correcting the AI for free
He also likes to change the word nihilism to nationalism and I would block him as quickly as you can say gross – but they think they can force electronics on me and I’m about to go AWOL I’m fucking dying anyway like I literally fell out of my bed and now I’m back to barely being able to walk again even though it’s not because I fell out of my bed. I just don’t know what the fuck is going on
I can’t walk. I’m gonna get some running shoes, seems practical. 
Why aren’t you here to carry me?
I don’t need anyone to euthanize me. I can do that myself.
I MADE SURE I WAS SET UP JUST IN CASE
Of a break in
Or breakdown
Planning ahead
I mean, not planning
Uhm
It’s JUST IN CASE
I forget your birthday or something
39?
40?
I went six months thinking I was older than I am so leave me the fuck alone
(It’s a figure of speech)
😭
I’m just being proactive?
At least it’s updated With blood-stained carpet There’s an old dusty fan Spinning right over your bed
The only noises are the planes overhead Chimes with random messages Claim drones instead Said there’s a wall Full of something sinister Pictures lined with pictures Killer stalking killer Who then will acquit her Like he’s a protector Said they work in teams of 5 Things that made him quiver Clues, worries, blessings, confessions A messenger with lessons?
I’ve got a mountain of sorrow We could meet
You could sign a lease Or you could borrow Free next week or tomorrow?
Your lines Equipped to mine Fly faster than earth’s rotation Despite hesitation
Each time a soul is born the sun loses mass I know my math
Impermanence Like walking into a fog that swallows all clarity I am this Slowly etching fists The ground broke the dissent
Message received Like a spear in side Am I deceived You’re a ghost or guide Above or underneath I can’t decide
I received An ominous message by you Like walking on eggshells I gotta break them first too Otherwise, what do we do?
I scream But now my silence is the loudest in the room Like fingers mimic shadowwork Deep inside I guess he knows my worth
Now cops and drones And smoke and darkness Won’t cover my bones I stand tall alone
In my restless dreams Nestled in between What happens if you slip and fall What happens if the rope breaks When you’re crossing frozen lakes Bridges iced from all we take Just one more wake…
Stop laying on the floor Covered in your own blood Guess the gun didn’t jam Get up, give a damn
Maybe stick around The way I haunt you Eons not enough to
So what? we’re dying You gotta push through
Nine seven three Who the fuck keeps counting Get up off the ground
Or take an intermission Put a tourniquet on what is missing Oh honey I am listening
He’s not happy where he’s at I can see it in his frown Want to wear it like a hat Wash it over me Drown in the aftermath
I do judge Like a great reckoning I carry grudge
ALL LINES RHYMES AND CRIMES WRITTEN BY ME (minus the ominous message)
(More of the ominous love letter warning) (or scam) (or story)
The power really is out in all of Europe and there potentially is a serial killer loose in New England or thereabout
There’s this one guy who answers me immediately if I leave him a comment under any of his videos on his TikTok but if I say hi to him in his live stream, it’s like I don’t exist
so I unfollowed him and followed him back because I have the worst etiquette in this hell hole
Also I think some guys get mad when they see that I’m writing boys in prison!?!?
But it wasn’t a loveletter
It was a poem about black holes and hell
As if I needed to remind him that time is forever
And I ain’t even mailed it
I literally get in trouble for fucking coloring on my live stream and I’m covered up and fuck you. I have to see men all over TikTok, barely wearing anything.
I hope more of you drive off a bridge
I think “fuck you” sounds nicer
You stayed? Goodnight. All my clothes are dirty, and the landlord has not given me the free washer and dryer that he promised me which means I probably need to invest in one which is another fucking expense
You only call me every decade You stand with shovel or maybe a spade Confessing sins like something you’ve paid Disappear into sunset from wither you came But love is stronger never decayed
I wrote an alternate version on my TikTok. But this is the original draft.
(p∞)
STOP CALLING ME A SIR
STOP CALLING ME A SIR
STOP CALLING ME A SIR
STOP CALLING ME… A SIR
P.S. i have something lying dormant in me. Only it ain’t very dormant. And it’s a lot like cancer.
I don’t have an official diagnosis (you don’t normally get those until you’re stage 4) (I hope you can “hear” my sarcasm over my shame).
52 kilos today.
Like 114.
Still got some teeth and hair. No tiddies. Too tired to put on makeup. I guess that gives people the right to call me a fucking sir.
I LITERALLY FUCKING DARE YOU
SAY MOTHERFUCKER ONE MO TIME
No amount of misgendering me is gonna make me get plastic surgery or botox.
I can’t wait to scare you with my wrinkles.
I wanna live so long that one look at me makes you rethink your entire existence.
Like “what the hell is that” cuz I frequently say it when I look in the mirror at my thinning hair (from the stress or cancer which may or may not be in my control)
I have about 10% of energy at any given time and makeup just isn’t on my to-do-list. But it’s always on my mind. I would even like to try wearing cute wigs.
But I don’t need to attract any more drones overhead.
If I look like I’m dying it’s probably because I am (not in remission yet)
Still fighting for my life 🙂
Now might be a good time to call.
Don’t wait another decade
P.S.S. How does one get a burner phone not connected to oneself? Asking for a friend.
You stayed? 🙂 I don’t have any good photos right now.
I’ve been unpacking.
STOP CALLING ME A SIR CUZ I AM A PLAIN JANE WITH TINY TIDDIES
I never grew up and it drives HIM insane
I fell out of my bed and got bruised but this doesn’t show the magnitude
Had I been older: “how did she go?” “Fell down”
Told my daughter I need bedrails and to be treated like a child
My shoulder and ankle is a champ for taking the direct impact instead of my head – or hitting in such a way it stops your heart (I already have a heart injury so it was a challenging fall).
This photo was days after the event, at least a week
And my entire shoulder blade turned black and blue.
My head did hit the floor.
My ankle jarred into the metal bed rail and nearly broke
It swelled for three hours and then swelled some more
It wasn’t even 6 AM and I laid on the floor for at least five minutes moaning before I even attempted to get up
Getting older is like becoming a baby again
I NEVER WANNA FALL OUT OF MY BED EVER AGAIN
But had my head been the first thing to hit or the side of my shoulder instead of back – I don’t think my heart would like that
So I spread eagle to slow my fall hoping to grab something – and literally everything on the shelves next to the bed started coming down
INCLUDING A SNOW GLOBE
Which miraculously did not fall on my head
Or break
There’s some tender deep down in there near my ankle bone – but I can finally twist her and twirl and not shit myself
Couldn’t even lean on it on the couch
Ankle and shoulder did good
Saved my life this time
And my bed be high up
No carpet or rug below
Woke up, foggy and disoriented, and went to shift and lean back, thinking I was gonna lay back on my pillow, but instead gravity grabbed me
My life flashed, I spread eagle, and I’m still recovering
And need to baby proof my home
And I had to go to the dentist (I gotta go again)
I forget what we were talking about but he mentioned something about “old” and I said “well what do you consider old” and he said “30” but he didn’t think that I was older than that and none of them ever do
I was driving one day and I let the sun just burn my fucking face and I have this sunspot now
I’m suicidal
The sun imprinted on me
Hell, all I gotta do is dash out to my car and like FRECKLES GALORE
I burn – I don’t tan
Normally, I do things to stop or prevent the burning, but not that day 
Sometimes I stare at it too (prob don’t rec)
I’m not the brightest crayon in the box and I’ve often wondered why God made me so dumb
I love the feeling when the light goes off (or comes on)
Like when you finally get it
“Oh”
But I’m the kind of person that you have to explain something to in a different way, not by just repeating the same sentence over and over again or saying it louder
Sometimes I can’t hear and I’ll do a “huh” and they’ll give me the definition instead
Cuz they think I’m dumb
One time I gave the drive-thru employee “too much money” cuz I wanted a ten back – and no change – and it took him a good minute to figure out what was happening
Turns out I wasn’t dumb or scamming him
I was actually making his job easier
But now they’re getting rid of cash
And I still sort my bills all the same
I just counted up my piggy bank
I had been stuffing that bitch
Folded up 20, 10s, and 5s. And silver and single dollars too.
Heaven brought me home. Got keys to my new safe space (rental only). Charming little vintage pad.
It has a lot of potential. Less space but the design layout makes it feel less boxy. Got a long balcony. And for the first time in my life the balcony is in the bedroom instead of the living room. There’s even a built in vanity or desk nook.
Did I mention my rent is going down. That extra money can go towards my car payment. Sure there is no outdated gym with dirty equipment but I invested in a rebounder and I can join a clean gym.
Cuz that’s likely where I will meet my husband?
Or church.
But I ain’t consistent with either.
Yet.
I do not have all my stuff moved to the new space yet but I got a lot done yesterday! Gotta pace! So I treated myself to a lot from the Publix deli, to enjoy meals and eat and run.
Cuz Friday I did not eat until dinner time.
Got a hot meal to enjoy first – damn good fish sandwich from the deli
Less than $6 and every bite well spent
I was like ‘the reward I have been needing’ (cuz fast food has not been cutting it and surprisingly I can go to the Publix deli and get popcorn chicken, mash potatoes, white gravy, and corn (you know where I am going with this) and it’s SO GOOD
And they be having BOGO on them hot meals
GIVE MAH
Also might be meeting my husband at the local grocery deli?
Cuz some don’t know how to take their eye off me
Some act like I do not exist
Some roll their eye
None hold the door
Rarely do they stop to let me cross
Men are the reason I was eating drive thru bullshite
The good food is made at home
And at the Publix deli
Got a footlong to enjoy, 2 soups, a couple wraps, and some Mexican thangy with beans and rice
No need to starve SAT and SUN while moving
Can nibble in between
I live two places at once
For the moment
You can be two places at once
A bed here, a bed there
I can turn my ride into a tent
The money I will be saving on my rent WOULD BUY the upgrade needed to turn my outback into my homestead
Girl maths for sure
My dad (in spirit) is telling me to get the tent – and not the one on Amazon, get the official tent
GO SEE THE WORLD BEFORE I DIE
I have not been to one national park?
The no child left behind act was a sham
I don’t know how I can have a husband when I can barely spell
But I can see through your lies
I can see thru you
Like looking at him
Maybe it was just myself
Like a black hole
I don’t know how I would feel about seeing the back of my head
It’s not a concept I concept
I think those are said differently
Brunch hours are from 9-1 ish
I can start on half my sub soon
10 AM
Nearly 3 now
I’d weigh 500 pounds if I always ate in the night. I get 12 hours of daylight to burn tho and Friday I was EXHAUSTED carrying small boxes to my new safe space
Kept drinking water
And stretching 🙂
And my heated seats on to help the back pain 🙂
I feel spoiled 🙂
Just blessed
To have the little things I do have
GOAL: get most of my shit moved minus the furniture
But I put the bed and couch together
I built them
It could be unassembled
A uhaul does not need to be needed
I could call 2 guys and a truck or a similar company and give my legs a break
Stop by the post, get the address changed – order/ get WIFI installed
Busy bee
Should be sleeping
Can’ts
Want to move
*yawn*
A quiet street I can wake up to or go for a run (I’m not back running yet unless 20 seconds counts?)
Just for the record, I’m grateful for any seconds I can run
I couldn’t find any editor to combine 2 photos into 1, it’s all so complicated now
Couldn’t layer or change opacity
NOTHING
I once could create stuff but now everything is on boss mode and I got left behind
It’s like they sucked the joy out of everything
STOP GIVING THEM FEEDBACK
STOP GIVING THEM YOUR OPINION
Take a vow of silence and run
The neighbor keeps asking me what I am running from
I keep trying to explain
Not from but to
I don’t wanna be tied down to anything
I just wanna run with the clouds
Sit with the sun where I won’t burn
Eat food on my tongue
Take a safety course
Get good with my weapon
The Army didn’t train me on something this fucking tiny
Should’ve stuck with a 9mil and what I am certified in
Told myself to stop complaining take a fucking class get to the fucking range
I love that the slumlord is worried that I got a weapon
“Is she carrying”
LIKE WHAT IF I AM
MIND YER FUCKING BIZZ
Cuz Ain’t nothing in my house REGISTERED TO YOU
In fact, YOU AINT ALLOWED IN HERE NO MO
MEDICAL EMERGENCY
MOTHERFUCKING TRY ME
This is America bitch
I WAS TRAINED TO CARRY
BE FUCKING SCARED
I HAZ EMPOWERMENT
KEEP TELLING THEM LIES
My lease is up soon and only then can you have entry
MY PLACE
MY SPOT
NOT YOURS
I CARE NOT YOU FORGOT ABOUT A DEADLINE AND ARE GIVING US 24 HOUR DEMANDS OR YOU GONNA ENTER ANYWAY + FINE US
I FUCKING DARE YAH
Cause I just told my nurse today that if my doctor doesn’t get with the fucking program, I will get someone else because she works for me and I don’t work for her and it’s about what I need and not what she wants
PERIOD
I DON’T PLAY
I DON’T NEED AN ELECTRIC BILL THAT COSTS A MUCH AS A FAMILY OF 5
I may just get a tent and start camping
And God knows I gotta drop more supplies if Ima spend a year traveling and figuring out where I wanna exist
Cuz I built a bed you know
And a couch
Fool me fucking twice
Never getting in another lease again
I mean, have you seen all the ridiculous add-on fees They’re adding just so they can bring you a fucking air filter? how about you Try cleaning the HVAC system for fucking change
Call the black mold mildew one more time
Say motherfucker ONE MORE TIMEEE
Cause I asked you on more than one equation was there any mold in this fucking apartment and you straight up said no and there’s mold all over this motherfucking place and I know it directly impacted my dogs mental health whom I just had to lay to rest, you better watch your fucking tongue the rest of the time I’m here and leave me the fuck alone.
A drowning man will drown another, but sometimes they’ll shoot you in the fucking back. That CEO never saw it coming. And the words on the bullet, poetic.
Checkmate Luigi.
And I carry cuz A. I’m cute and dudes follow me to my car or while I am walking and B. I am a Soldier
It’s also my right as an American citizen and I highly recommend you utilize all your rights too – unless of course you fucked up and do not have the right to carry
I would say stock up
My bag is heavy
Prob as heavy as me
The Army made me ruck carrying double my weight
It’s no wonder my back fucking hurts and I need to take breaks from time to time
Or I need you to pick up my shit cause it’s so fucking heavy but as long as you toss it on my back, I got it
Well the core of my heart lost a lot of strength to be able to do stuff like that which is why I’ve been doing core training.
My lease is up soon and I gotta let a lot of my stuff go because I don’t want to stay in Florida, but I did go look at a few places around here and I had a lot of anxiety during it and that’s my body’s way of saying we are fucking done with Florida
And the mountains are calling me home
I’ve never lived up north but I might spend some time in Montana. I might spend some time in Colorado maybe Utah I don’t fucking know where I’m going. I literally have no idea what is next. This is the first time in my life I have ever been 100% solo on my own I have a gun Legally OK so when I say I’m alone, I’m still protected. Thank you. (Gotta remind the monsters I sleep with one eye on my trigger thank you very much)
I’m finding a sense of calm but that does not mean Millers wave is not incoming
Cuz the gravity is extreme
The loss
And I literally held him until his last breath and went through a psychosis
The hospital sent me a card with his fur and nose and paw print
I don’t wanna talk about things right now
But soon, when time has passed
Maybe I’ll share the psychosis
The thing is, I felt so disconnected but everything I was experiencing was common
It was a common grief trauma response
I fell into a black hole
I could feel time slow
Gravity was so heavy
Things were so dark
And now there are moments of clarity but I have two separation sequences I need to prepare for
The first is escaping the bottom of the singularity
The bottom of the hole
And then there’s the event horizon
I gotta be like a goat at the bottom
But the event i am circling
They require different methods to escape
And I know I’m losing weight, but the Bible says to fast for two weeks and that’s one way to starve the cancer
Unfortunately, I was invited to the Parishioner welcome dinner, and then I RSVP’d, and now my clothes are all dirty, I’m on my period, my dog is dead, I’m barely eating, my energy is low, I’m gonna be homeless soon, I’m lost in purgatory, and I was hurting too bad to go to Sunday church, despite having gone two weeks in a row, and now I missed my streak and the dinner is WED and my anxiety is full
I’m wearing a sleep patch and a thc patch cuz i ain’t getting any
It’s the worst timing having to meet somebody on my period especially when the first 48 hours are my roughest and I’m still in my roughest part of my period so come Wednesday it’ll be oh I’m feeling better but I only got the dishes done today and there’s no clean clothes Because my dog died and I’m behind on everything 
I got a doctor appointment with my doctor tomorrow the one that the VA are trying to take from me and I don’t even wanna see the fucking VA anymore and I’m getting ready to write President Trump and letting him know of the atrocities that are going on and how the VA are making it extremely difficult For me to have the treatment that I need
THUS THE VA CAN GET IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA
I’m sick of being assigned a female doctor anyway
And yes, there are plenty more things I can fucking complain about
But I don’t wanna hear any bullshit about me sending an SOS to the current admin when the VA are actively killing me and my comrades mkay
Stay in yer own lane
If you wanna get out and protest, I ain’t stopping you
I didn’t vote for this
I DIDN’T ASK TO BORN
AND I’M NOT READY TO DIE
EVEN THO THE NEIGHBOR ASKED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MARRY HIM
GREAT CONGRATS
Glad I was able to show you you already had what you needed
But I ain’t jumping off a bridge yet
And somewhere inside me, I think you love me and want to see me win?
Or were you planning to shoot me through the door when I dropped candy off at your door?
*laughs*
Gotta stand yer ground in Florida
(Were you cocking the gun or unlocking/locking the door)
I’m not celebrating Halloween anymore and I’m getting rid of all my Halloween stuff
I might become a nun
But today I emailed a college about becoming a personal trainer
Dying but still got goals
I do feel less dead today tho for what it’s worth
I 1000% look dead due to my heavy flow and this would be a good time for a neighbor to bring me soup
But I only make enemies
It’s just what I do
Loyal but good at a blindside too
Dr. Peterson says sometimes you have to be a monster
And I’m taking lessons everywhere I can get them
I would like to share my goals, even though they say not to, but I would rather try to manifest them because I have been dying, but I would like to visit China in 3 to 5 years and go to the student center and earn my uniform for tai chi
So that is my short term goal
My long term goal is to be cancer free but it feels unrealistic cuz most people only get about that much time and i’m about there with this illness that stole my life
It has a name, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you *joking*
I keep you on your toes
I’m so sick of the thought police because I shouldn’t fear everything I say
I just laid my dog to rest and the great planetary alignment is happening
On my sister’s death anniversary the great Winter blizzard of 2025 hit Florida where 5 inches of snow was dumped on my head during my 5th awakening
And the day I learned of my dad’s passing, I saw a six minute double rainbow
and since I held my dog for the last time on Valentine’s Day, i’ve been stuck on Miller’s planet, where gravity is strong
There’s not just the singularity, to escape, but the event horizon
And i’m on 10%
Maybe less cuz the “gross” thing is happening, and while i’m saying “oh my god” while flushing the toilet, i’m also saying things like “good girl” we started our period
And yes, i still, after nearly 48 years, get blood on my panties
Despite every measure not to
I WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT
Those are bits of me, so much potential and possibility, being flushed down the drain
IT MAKES ME CRAZY
Also me: “thank you Lord for the river to wash me clean”
*sits by the river for days*
Him: what r u still doing down there?
Me: i told you not to look. stop looking
Him: *approaches closer*
Me: *throws a rock at his head. GO AWAY*
(He does go away but he brings me back some food and comfort and leaves it by the river)
(Now i’m grateful cuz i didn’t want to be alone or humiliated by him seeing me this way x every 3 weeks)
(He made me some cloth to help)
(Now I can leave the river)
(Now he has poisoned the cloth and the river cuz he thinks life is pointless)
I wanna see the Great Planet Parade
I asked God for a sign that my dog made it to heaven to be heaven’s mascot, that he crossed the rainbow bridge
Didn’t want his spirit stuck on earth cuz of me
I’ve been in a lot of emotional distress, but my ovaries have overtaken at the moment, but it normally takes about 36 hours or so for that to reside so I can just pursue the rest of my period without being curled up in a ball or the bed
Like leave me alone but bring food at the door
Games
Notes of “here when you’re ready” (not “when you need me” cuz don’t need the guilt for needing space to shed my dna)
Like I didn’t ask to be born and I don’t wanna die nor is life worth living
So – I am trying to include activities that do not include signing death warrants – the bottom pits of black holes – or anything with a cancer warning – that may actually make life worth living – but so far i just cry – feel dead and empty inside – like i have imposter syndrome – which is likely a side effect from jumping into this timeline – to save my own life – since my other self was incapable of such a task – and i am still course correcting for her – in and out of disassociation – crying about what i have done – despite spending hours in the mirror crying and begging myself to do what needed to be done
So been listening to songs of Faith and Devotion by Depeche Mode
Man will survive the harshest conditions / and stay alive / through difficult decisions / so make up your mind for me / Walk the line for me / if you want my love.
Just know, I will fucking cut the cord on you to save my life.
I will leave you behind.
I will do a blindside.
Fucking ruthless angel
Death of mercy
I mean
I will free you of your curse
That’s why you fucking love me. Will risk your life for me and leave your ministry to me and ask me to end your life.
I know you’d do it for me if I asked.
What a weak little pathetic fucking boy if you can’t fucking do what I ask.
They are literally couples who die together who fall ill
“So risk your health for me / if you want my love”
But you know, I would burn a bridge and build a wall before I fucking infected you and you hate me for it
You hate when you cannot reach me
Cuz I hate it too
I’m not jumping in a cold river to save my dog (they both died)
I’m never getting another dog again
I experienced psychosis when he died
Apparently, trauma grief is a real thing
I’m not just lost in purgatory. I’m circling the bottom of a black fucking hole.
Yesterday I ran on the treadmill
More like walk/sprint/run Army style but I got some running in!
Proud of the heart!
I’m not in remission yet but I gave up smoking again *sigh*
Marijuana now is just basically cocaine or heroin and you’re just constantly chasing the dragon high because they changed the DNA of it and fuck you
Maybe when I’m around to it I’m gonna write about my experience losing my soul dog and I did a witness cremation and I feel like I’ve grown up a little bit
Do you think every time something is born, there is less matter in the sun?
Don’t you feel a certain way around the trees?
Do you talk to the plants like me?
Do you have the blueprint on how to escape the singularity?
Can you write me a poem or story? About anything?
But for an added challenge: because i am not obsolete and a part of the community!?! – the theme or topic could be a dog finding his way to heaven? The rainbow bridge?
Anyone wanna AI my good boy and create some art? Or digitally add a bridge or something? It wasn’t his fault he got sick.
RIP Sammie 2011-2025
All dogs go to heaven? He got a viking cremation for the warrior he was. Well, it wasn’t on the water. But his body was cleansed, his spirit released. That’s the idea right?
Honestly, I’d rather talk about my period right now or nothing at all.
We can talk about tacos. I’m craving tacos.
Let’s just not talk.
I’d rather hear you typing that story on the typewriter until I fall asleep.
I’m an architect Of my own hell Cuz even when you arrive I will yell
Like sadness is marketed Please send help Where map is uncharted Ignore the welp
I’m not allowed to return to the temple Make a way out of no way Things are not very simple The hills are unsafe Likely things I will say When we dig where we tremble
The Great Florida Blizzard of 2025 (photo by @poeeternal)
I disassociated for five minutes and forgot TikTok was banned and uninstalled it and now I can’t get it back on my iPhone, but I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the rebounder and two hours doing a tai chi class
I mean so
I could go live on my tablet maybe no
Blog updates + poetry dropping at random (prob times you should be sleeping) (why aren’t you sleeping)
*light language involved used as a form of artistic expression and not hurting anyone*
Remember, I told you I was trying to sort out my real life because it’s priority?
Well, I might be moving to Colorado
I gotta pray about it and sleep on it and all that shit but my heart is pretty much set on going to Colorado because the mountains have been calling me and I’ve been lost in purgatory and not exactly sure the direction I want to go until I reached out to my Chaplain and now my Compass is starting to turn to that direction, which is great because I was already considering Montana or Utah or somewhere out of the south because I’m like literally fucking done with the south like I’m done with the fucking south, you know
I spent time in Colorado when I was working in the military, I fell in love with the mountains and got married to them
They’re calling me home….
Six months is all you need to become someone new, remember? only I’ve got about five months left to make my move 🙂
Lease is up in July and takes about 30 days to close
I need a big big change
Homeowner sounds nice
Being in remission sounds nice
Getting his digits before either of us move or die sounds even nicer
I just threw the metaphorical dice
I mean, I have been praying for it
Direction
A husband
Clean bill of health for my second half
I told my chaplain that when I train it’s like I’m climbing mountains, but keeping my heart rate low
Like them people in the caves when they watch their friends die, they have to stay calm or they’ll die too
But I’m not in a cave. I’m normally just on the treadmill or my rebounder. Keeping my heart-rate low
Starting to hold weights and shit over my head, you know, calisthenics or whatever because my heart is not strong enough to do things
And it’s amazing how much my body is responding to the things I’m doing I feel like I’m gaining superpowers, even though I’m just going back to the basics of what the army taught me
today I woke up and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and man it felt so fucking good to just have all that time remaining in the morning to haven’t even had coffee yet and I’ve already hydrated with coconut water and fitness and I was like “fuck it’s only 7:30 AM”
I have so much time to figure out my life when I’m not trying to fucking push out content on social media for it to be NOT EVEN RECOMMENDED IN THE FOR YOU FEED
OH YEAH
I was given no warning that it had been shadowbanned and thus the time to appeal it had expired
Oh yeah
You know they keep over 50% of the profits you make them all the while beating you down
I don’t need social media. I need a fucking husband.
And find a house to buy and some land and then I got to fucking pack all of my things and move across country all the while mourning the loss of a relationship with a guy I never even got cause Walmart tried to fucking kill me twice and so I’ve already ended my subscription with them and deleted my fucking account and the place I go shopping now doesn’t have any recalls at all
And I’m currently going through my fifth spiritual awakening, that’s why 5 inches of snow was dumped on my fucking head during my blood sister’s death anniversary
M’KAY
I also wrote a poem or two
I’ll probably share those in a different post.
when I calm down
from the constant atrocities
I told my chaplain I was lost in purgatory and running from the devil
Once I get to Colorado, I can get baptized again cause he baptized me in basic training, you know, but he would probably drive down to Florida to give me a baptism if I asked for it
I was praying for direction and guidance and I’m back in my chaplain’s life
I’m reconnecting with my aunt again
She definitely will help me in the homebuying process you know just the moral support of it as well as my chaplain who’s already involved
sleeping beauty they make it look all cute when someone’s being disassociative and a guy comes and wakes you up from some fucking spell you know, but in reality, that’s not how it works
I knew that he was everything that I would ever want and simultaneously built my wall so high before I got here. I don’t know,I didn’t want to drown someone while I was drowning but the reason I’m drowning is cause I needed him. It’s complicated whatever I’ve got to chill the fuck out there are lessons to be learned here.
I’ll be carving in the mountains your name
Maybe one day I’ll have my legends of the fall bear moment
But hopefully we won’t have to deal with anything like that but hot chocolate and a fireplace?
maybe just the hot chocolate
I don’t know if dying opened up some super awareness inside of me, but I can see all the time all around me the many ways in which you could die
The army trained me to be observant and maybe I’m just too observant you know because when I got a brain injury, it cracked open the light and I see everything now
In fractals
Isn’t it harder to breathe because I remember it being really hard to breathe in Colorado and that was before I got a heart and lung injury
I didn’t stay long enough to get acquainted. I was only there a week, but I mean I was there long enough to get married to the mountains.
The Great Outdoors are calling me
I’m dying down my social networks for a bit so I can focus on my real life, but I may bring you some updates on my blog, where I am also shadowbanned
It just means I’m doing something right because Type O Negative (a rock band) was banned from Germany and now Germany worships that band
Imagine being told you can’t perform in a country and that you’re not allowed back
or how Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t get any of his writings published because they too shadowbanned him
*laughs insanely*
I still have some of his words tattooed on me
*current photo*
On my ribcage
Where it felt like a crucifixion and I kept telling my fucking tattoo artist, I wanted to fucking kill her so you know
I was like maybe we should just stop here and have it half done and she’s like I’ll be done soon. I was like I need a break and I had to have been her worst client but we made it through together.
Even with my hate and all
she probably even would-of tattooed me again because we were friends forever after that on Facebook and everything you know
but I just now got back on Facebook my God I’ve been approving people from six years ago
I don’t know who’s who anymore
Except some faces are really familiar and I’m so glad to be back in these haunted halls
Some people are responding to my “oh hi” and some people haven’t even been on their own profiles in 10,000 years and other people are wondering where they’re at but I’m dropping “I’m still alive” postings anyway
Now I have you know bands that I love looking at my fucking story on Facebook and I’m like why aren’t they on TikTok seriously though I mean, why aren’t they on TikTok?
Todd Kerns, you know who plays bass for slash and Kev from Candlebox, I mean, I like this person, I once was
Trent Reznor still has me as his friend because he’s been deleting people. He’s not at his maximum 5K anymore, but I didn’t get pulled or culled
*would die*
Crosby @ VAST you know was full, but I sent a friend request. Of course he immediately approved me.
And there are others and more
This is the music i miss and adore
The people
Cev from Skinny Puppy
We friends
I mean, they know I’m alive and I’m so glad they’re fucking alive because fires be burning everywhere huh?
Kind of feels nice to be welcomed back in my own yard and have like people care that I’m there
Family, friends, and so on
I was gone for six years. They didn’t delete me and I’m gonna disappear again.
OK, some have not forgiven me OK like Alex he has not forgiven me from removing him from my Instagram or probably talking to his ex
Well he doesn’t remove me when I go follow Unfollow follow back and he also doesn’t respond to any of my comments or messages I send him even though I know he’s fucking reading them likely OK
He’s still my muse
I have no ill will
Against my great music loves
Lol
I couldn’t imagine showing up at a gig though and being banned from it like no you’re not welcome here that would be – I don’t know – humiliating and life ending – if life gets that bad for me where the musicians I support don’t want me to come to their gigs then Someone needs to come have a talk with me or something
That’s not reality though OK

I prob thought i’d be a ghost in my own hometown
People want me to haunt them
I have to try to recover my account at some point, but I’ll just wait until I completely lose access before I attempt that because right now I can still contact Mark Z.
I don’t know if him and I are friends or if I’m just following him over there, but it’s his official one and he’s responded to me before in the past you know, but I haven’t been over there in six years so he ain’t seen me in a minute, but I’ve already been active on his profiles already since I’ve been back.
U follow?
I posted “I’m here, but I don’t know for how long”
Hard to say goodbye to ends
Likely disappear again
I like drifting in the wind
I like meeting new friends
I might try again….
I’m on the mend
I mighta slightly begged him to return to Facebook
It’s weird though, because when Trent Reznor got off Facebook, so did I, but neither one of us really left
🙂
Symbiotic
I mean, I did ask him to marry me on his fucking message board when I was like 16 or something and he was flattered and that has to be archived somewhere with my username Delia
Things don’t really last forever on the Internet like we were told though
I was kind of being silly and asked him a serious question afterwards and he really enjoyed the music questions that I asked him, which I can’t recall at the moment and I’m sure I screenshot it it at some point, but you know where are those files
I haven’t even met Trent Reznor yet and I worry I’ll cry when I meet him
What is he on, like baby number six with MariQueen? 7?
Life is just totally unfair sometimes
Cause I would’ve had seven babies with some guy if he wanted seven babies with me and now I’m fucking nearly dead
Cause he didn’t have fucking nearly 7 babies with me!!!!
We could have started at 13!
WTF!!!!!!!!
Stole my goTdamn life!!!!!!
Made me fucking wait until it was too late!!!!
I hate the fucking nihilism in this world, and you know I’ll be dropping all the complaints into my chaplains inbox
He still loves me after all this time
I don’t even know where I go when I get lost. I just say I’ve been in purgatory.
I think if I get a watch with a compass, I’ll feel a lot more grounded. You know honestly it’s just back to the basics. That’s what I keep telling myself.
Standing on first base
I was in Trent’s fanclub
Bring back message boards and fanclubs
NO ADS
People were fucking mean to me on the NIN board but not Trent
All fans are mean to me cause I hang out with the bands
“I’m with the band”
I’m legit the kinda fan they want at shows
I feel them notes
Probably what brought me to this hell
Vanity
And I know that men would probably prefer if I wore makeup and dyed my hair, but there’s also the sense of that they get to see me in whatever chaotic state I choose to be in
and right now it’s
“I might be turning into a white cub”
Always a cub, never a cougar
Cuz some guy asked my age once when older (but i look so young?) and he said i was a cub still
Yep and now always
Stop asking me my age when I’m working so hard to look younger than the new generation who look as old as me already right
?!?
It’s crazy though because they’re 30 they already got rid of their sex organs and turned gray so they actually have to dye their fucking hair
And they don’t want kids because they’re fucking nihilist
“Life’s too expensive” they claim
“I’m depressed, that’s child abuse”
Whatever propaganda trend they follow – it all leads to nihilism like a black hole
We just got our hot water back and this is what I look like living through a fucking winter storm without hot water for over a week
I’m basically exhausted living in this apartment because there’s always something fucking wrong
I had the heat out for a week during the storm. I had the toilet out for a week during Thanksgiving now I had the hot water out during the blizzard.
I am not where I’m meant to be
Cancer still grows in low gravity and mold it’s on the ISS
And they plan to drop it in the fucking ocean by the way
“We don’t know why the fish are dying”
Well, for one you need to stop over fishing
And you need to start putting your biggest catch back
I’m still friends with some of my past lovers oh my
I must’ve been not that bad of a girlfriend
Cuz they married n all
And i’m still over here “single never married”
But surely they’re rooting for me?
it’s crazy how I distance myself so far from people and they’re like an email away?
A phone call?
If I could only remember?
How to keep a log?
How to not lock yourself out of your own accounts?
Don’t uninstall TikTok if you wanna reinstall it back
Luckily, I still had it downloaded on my Samsung tablet, but I had to update it so it wasn’t even in sync with my Apple one which I found that my bio wasn’t concurrent
So who knows if it’s accurate or not cause I can update it on one and it won’t update on the other
I thought we got rid of segregation, but man I mean literally what the fuck
I told my chaplain I was trying to get clean and he asked me what from what kind of drugs and I was dropping the seven sins like they were hot
I don’t drink and I’m trying to quit medicinal, but he doesn’t care that I do medicinal and I don’t do drugs
Just trying to cleanse the devil out of me
And the MOLD
People keep trying to ask me what kind of cancer I’ve got even though I’m like pre cancerous you know and mold is cancer. It’s hard to get through to them because people’s labs are fine up until they’re like stage four or some shit anyway right
I have an appointment coming up with my doctor and I may request a PET scan, but I’m not going under for anything. I’m basically denying any kind of fucking service.
My body, my choice
The VA don’t seem to understand
Cause they seem like they might start forcing vaccines on people before they enter
And then try to keep your benefits from you if you don’t get the vaccine to enter, and I can just see like a revolution happening that I’m not even gonna be part of
Like oh yeah
What’s next you gonna try and hold me down and give it to me
The millennials, Gen Z?
Try and hold me down?
Gen X?
The most dangerous generation to ever exist?
Is that spit on me?
Did you just fucking ghost me?
It’s weird being a fallen angel cause it’s like I have the keys to heaven and hell
But I wanna make it home to heaven
But i’m caught up in all these sins
Hard to explain to people I’m trying to get clean from my past
my chaplain instantly understood though you know I’m just going through a spiritual cleansing. I wasn’t sure what fucking number I was on four or five but I just had 5 inches of snow dumped on my head so I’m pretty certain I’m in my fifth awakening.
This is the Sunshine state
The second level of hell
And it just froze
*hi*
When something is so hot it’s actually cold and vice versa
You can’t tell if an object is round or flat in deep space
I watched a demonstration
I also learned that the moon landings were rehearsed by a very good director here on earth and that famous quote that Neil said actually was recording on earth because you know we didn’t have a fucking landline from earth to the moon or any sort of communication communications, you know like that
Also they drove through the Van Allen belt, but not one of them got cancer, but everybody on earth has cancer but them?
I dunno
My conspiracy knows no bounds
I got more rounds to fire
I need to get off social media so I can focus on getting my real life in order
But also, I’m nearly locked out of all of my accounts and some of that is my own fault and some of that is our governments
The New World order has been taken over
And I’m just like is there coffee or hot chocolate?
if the neighbor gave me a cup of coffee with, “will you be my valentine” written on it, the answer would most definitely be yes?
He thinks I’m running away from him, but I’m running away from everybody
It’s literally what I’m training my body for, to climb a fucking mountain and now I have a good chance to do that especially if I do move somewhere where there are fucking mountains, you know
Only, i can barely run around the block
But I’m so proud of how far my body has come, from wearing a heart monitor and being on bedrest, to packin my bags again and potentially buying a fucking house?
i’ve been approved for a whopping 300k but i DO NOT want to go that high
And I need to be able to afford the property taxes
So it might be a fixer-upper
I’ve got five months to sort shit and I don’t want to be in another lease
I think I’m gonna uninstall it again
And taking a LONG social media break
Maybe permanently like some of my friends have done
Never heard from them again
Hey, some of them disappeared so much their own family hasn’t heard from them
And yeah, they told me they were disappearing and they did pop out a couple times to say hi to me you know, but those were the last times
it inspires me to get off-line too for good
It’s big bro we’re running from lol
The politics
The arts
The science
Society
YOU WERE TRIED AND YOU WERE FOUND WANTON
Imagine getting to buy 1 to 5 acres anywhere in the United States that you wanted if you could just fucking find some direction
Of all the things someone could do with their money, you know
I feel like a SIM, just give me the land and we’ll go from there 
I just feel like any move I make is gonna be the wrong move because this is hell.
They have sucked all incentives out of doing anything in society
by the time you get your vehicle paid off you need to get another one. It’s gonna take the same amount of time so you’re just basically renting forever and I don’t even wanna play my PlayStation anymore cause if I don’t have the membership, I don’t have access to the games that I’m paying for so I’m basically just renting them forever And now I’m getting ready to sell my fucking PlayStation
I kept thinking getting a computer would be better, but they don’t even have SimCity anymore
it’s all pay to play
*yawn boring
Back to cards and board games
Playing in the dirt
Letting my hellhound stay out so long we both were getting frostbite
It was snowing in hell
I mean the sunshine state 2nd level of hell
I was in level 7
Now level 2
And on awakening number 5
Wait, something ain’t adding up
Or is it?
Could you explain dimensions to me like I’m a child?
My brain relies on signals and chemicals to navigate
People breathe in dead air and caves
People climb mountains and die from the cold weather or fall off cliffs
I just wanna start a garden. I know that sounds boring, but it’s complicated growing your own food. It’s also magical but it’s not easy work being self reliant and sufficient but it’s the life I wanna build
Upgrade to premium to remove ads?
Instant re-uninstall
The government is out of control
No NEW WORLD ORDER
I did not vote for this
In fact, the last time I voted, I was warning against Trump apparently and that was a long time ago because the last time I voted was Gary Johnson (twice)
There was an attempt to go vote for another third-party, but when I made it to the school, I nearly committed suicide so I turned around and came back home and now I’ve you know quit politics altogether and that was prior to Obama – i didn’t vote for Obama. I voted for the other guy you know – the military war vet now dead
Yeah him
Johnson was my last real goal at change
They took away our rights with the Bush signing statements
I didn’t vote for him either
I voted for Al Gore
I’ve denounced science 
I think I’m done with social media too
Like come find me in the real world in some well kept tiny little coffee shop in the corner reading spoken word
I’d still rather not read from my phone and fuck up in front of you
You get to see the behind-the-scenes in real time
The Bloopers
Or maybe I read my lines from an actual journal or book but never from the fucking phone or tablet no no probably not even a fucking monitor prompt or whatever they’re called Teleprompter huh?
if they keep cutting down the trees out here, I’m not responsible for how I’m gonna respond
They’re turning Florida into a concrete city 
They don’t clean
Florida has a mold issue
But I learned that it even grows in space so is less oxygen gonna be good for me 
All them taxes?
I want to pay my home off in 15
I still would rather buy land and put a new manufactured home on it
You can buy a brand new one starting at $43,000
that’s less than a new Jeep or ride
It’s 2 AM so technically I can start having coffee right because I’m not allowed to have it past noon and I’d probably go back to sleep at least from 5 to 9 AM but then that means I would fuck up my entire morning routine of working out but sometimes it’s nice to get sleep during that period. Cause it’s really my favorite time to sleep is when the sun is coming up And I really do.
Sleep
Like now – which i should be doing
But maybe the devil is nocturnal
This is a good time to poison him
I called my nurse again and said I was having difficulty breathing again so she refilled my prescription and I’ll be seeing my doctor soon but the VA is trying to take her from me
The one that took me four years to get to
I swear when I drop a lawsuit on the VA for medical misdiagnose and medical mistreatment, it’s gonna be a long list of female doctors
And nurses
And I don’t forget their fucking faces or names
My new doctor slowly turned her chair around and was like “whoa” and I was like “they’re the reason I’m nearly dead”
It was the way she slow extended her hands
Like “i’m not your enemy” but my vibe is “you kinda are”
I’m probably to blame for crawling in the hole, but they’re definitely to blame for dropping me on my fucking head and gaslighting me the entire fucking time
Stop asking me what’s wrong with me OK just know I’ve got some health issues going on and it’s not contagious. You’re not gonna fucking catch it.
It’s just there’s another doctor out there that they shut up and he says that cancer does spread. It is contagious can spread and many people when they get it cut out of them that actually makes it worse. It makes it spread. That’s why the cancer always comes back you know so I don’t want anybody cutting on me and I’ll try to eradicate it with some sunshine and prayer and eat healthy and all that but otherwise I’m choosing hospice I’m done with doctors.
And seeing as I’m a really good combat medic, I will take care of my own self to the end. I will be my own hospice care in my own house wherever I decide to die because I should have that choice to be able to die in my own motherfucking home
And these people we be leasing from they seem to forget that this is our fucking residence when our name is on it and they keep coming up with all these little stupid rules on how they can invade our privacy. No, I’m fucking done. OK I’m having medical emergencies. I’m dying get the fuck out of my house. Stop with your bullshit 24 hour fucking inspections or lawsuit is coming on you too.
p.s. today i learned (which was yesterday) that 30% of firefighters are prisoners making $10 a day & they can’t use the job as a reference when they get out – or be hired officially as one (cuz criminal).
now this is speculation (this part) but they musta put all the officially trained firefighters at the Getty museum and left the prisoners to sort the mansions in the valley
some of them might be going through an awakening right now
they know you worship them so will ask for handouts
the majority fled to another safe house
meanwhile NC TN & HA have had their land stolen by the government
there’s a few mansions in the hills that stood
they have hope
im just waiting on the “evicted” portion due to toxic land and water like they did for the commoners
i wouldn’t want to be under that but you insisted to put out that tiny flame
mansions are burning to the ground love
ha ha ha
ha ha!
herrrrrr!
errrrr
😐
how does that REM song go again?
i feel fine?
p.s.s.s.s.stimesinfinitys.s.s.s(9)[9]: i miss your poems and stories not written about me x2
🙂
i love squirrel and i love you 🙂
but not the staff 🙂
I NEED A BIGGER SMILEY FACE
and can you tell the dark haired neighbor he can come out his home
i ain’t no criminal lol
i ain’t no bum
i’m just LOST IN PURGATORY AND ON THE MOVE AGAIN
i hate it here and it’s not cuz of him!
i hope he ate the candy! i’m still eating on mine!
tell the cancer FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU
so u gave it most away to someone who could handle the treats better
they cost a lot
i hope they were ate
halloween is a favorite season and NOT ONE PERSON CAME TO TRICK OR TREAT
wah
LAME LAME LAME
i want to live in a neighborhood and give out BIG TREATS and water bottles
I DID!
but boomers be scared of worldwide candies?
whereas the other gens enjoy treats from other countries
it’s not like they worry about what is put in american food! it aint food! it aint real chocolate or cheese!
i like to shop in the international aisle
i lived in Germany nearly 3 years (minus a war)
DO U KNOW HOW OLD I AM
HOW LETHAL
but i aint your enemy nor the candy
im sorry i was cold to you
walmart was trying to kill me
THERE ARE ZERO RECALLS AT PUBLIX FYI
im trying to find land2buy
please say hi 😦
before you move 😦
before i move 😦
NO ILL WILL
from now on only poetry in the form of commentary
m’kay
remember when i wore makeup and dresses and performed spoken word not read from a device? remember when i shared behind-the-scenes of forgetting lines?
remember when i had long hair and i stopped using filters?
what happens when there are no more lines, hair, or teeth?
will you still love me?
look at all the centuries we crossed to ghost one another again?
i love you but i dont love the staff
LOVE THY NEIGHBOR (JUST DEPENDS ON WHICH ONE)
IT AIN’T YER BRO YO
*giggles*
where is that pdf file i castrated into the void?
he ain’t texted me back since i blocked him for calling me “gross” for being on my period again
WRONG ANSWER
PIZZA NOW
but please im trying to become vegan so i only eat chicken
p.s. got a lot of rough drafts sitting around cuz i don’t feel like they are too good (compared to my better and best) but the best in me may be gone or i just need to get through the messy middle and might write a good line or two
like when you said hi and there was less air to breathe
p.s.s. they don’t just know your screen hours but how many times you logged into your banking app
what you’re looking at, what you’re typing to erase in the chat (before hitting send – THEY SEE IT)
p.s.s.s. i got banned from going live New Years so i didn’t participate in any NY activity online or off – nor do i ever want to visit a livestream ever again
heaven is the silence you presented all wrapped in chalice and neatly printed the moon withholds grudges but not glares unlike our choices, we’re stuck on who cares
cops are amazed at the level of proficiency to shoot someone a CEOin the back
and i know i am quiet and inactive on the blog front – i miss reading your blogs and connecting – but i am in a slumlord war again – and i ain’t sticking around
I WANNA DIE SOMEWHERE ELSE
but god bless that lady looking for her cat who potentially fell into a sinkhole – cuz those are too be feared – in such ways that i now notice cracks in the pavement – how to maneuver around – or deploy thinking tactics on how to overcome a potential collapse
– an angel in hell walking on eggshells
i also had to call the suicide hotline – and homeless crisis line for vets
and now i’m getting ready to apply for legal aid
and all the whiplash to jump ship into the great unknown again
only this time i am excited to escape yet another blackhole
i just would rather be homeless than live somewhere it takes them 5 days to fix your only toilet or working heat – and to be told duringso that “nothing is wrong”
then if/when you react they call you rude and threaten to call the cops
i told them several times to CALL THE COPS
at least then i would get a bed a meal security and heat
an hour of sunshine too
don’t threaten me with a good time
THEY DID NOT CALL THE COPS
despite me pleading and begging for them to do so
i didn’t get arrested again
i was also potentially exposed to ecoli eating organic carrots from walmart
i was sweating like Niagara falls for 3 days, followed by TMI, and kidneys hurting
so that prob was not from detoxing but detoxing may have saved my life again
took a few days off – hitting it hard again
starting a heavy metal detox soon
then back to everything they have on zuma nutrition
candida parasite liver lymph – THEM ALL
started doubling up my doses too
mold is cancer
parasites are cancer
diseases are mold and parasites
“that thing is real”
i was always a conspiracy theorist but that movie woke something up in me
(i wish the spacebar worked)
*me getting out the popcorn watching another CEO be taken out*
the guy rode off on a bike
he still has not been found
*eats popcorn*
popcorn is on the good foods list (zuma blog)
i mean the comment section on most any video regarding the ? opposite of a tragedy?
is it a crime to wish someone dead?
…cuz the things i pray for in broad daylight
and since i’m already being kept up at night
like SAME
“amazed at the level of proficiency” but i mean how hard is it to shoot someone in the back?
allright i know you mean the details leading up to the alleged crime – he waited for 5 minutes for him to arrive
he watched others go by…
*takes note* (for writing purposes in case this is tried to use against me in a court of law)
i’d go to jail forever simply because i would shit in the judges face
like right on top of the stand
i’ll grab the little hammer too
“order in the court” i will shout
as i prepare to handle bizz cuz ain’t nobody putting bb in a corner
starting to loathe GEN Y as much as the Boomers
as a gen xer – i don’t wanna unite
i want to be left alone
i want a small circle of friends
i want to be left alone
don’t engage eye contact with me and i won’t return visible hatred and cursery
i didn’t ask to be born
i don’t listen to my parents
YOU DON’T CONTROL ME
but please keep barking up the wrong tree
i’m starting to run again
small increments
but man
the way i just wanna go and never come back
done with Florida
might get a map and dart and toss it and pack up and head to the nearest countryside of said location
BINGO
take my $200 and pass go
but they shit where they sleep you know
they leave a trail of data and names behind
just because they group together and say “nothing is wrong” while calling you rude
lucky i didn’t leave bags of crap at the door
cuz like my level of petty is on point
so is my scale of revenge
please keep pissing on me and being condescending “i hope you get the help you need”
hmmm the way a warm butter knife cuts through butter in my fantasies….
got some Native American in me
got an itching and a craving to do some turkey carvings
tis the season
please keep watching me and collecting data for your bullshit agenda
ANGEL FALLEN
GODS A WATCHIN
how you doing me
🙂
the way you sleep so sound with your working heat and plumbing
the way i have nothing else to lose….
🙂
look at all this yummy stillwater left behind after each dishwasher cycle but “nothing is wrong”
MY LABS ARE FINE
I’M FINE
ALL IS GOOD
enjoy your rest 🙂
p.s. i’m not just a rude child, i also have zero empathy
likely dead inside
would rather sleep in a tent than get into a toxic relationship with slumlord staff
KARMA IS COMING GLAZED LIKE HOLIDAY CARAMEL
or popcorn
but i’m not allowed sugar currently
hard to mealprep when i can’t figure out my next step
to kill a mockingbird or take a nap
so many decisions
better than handwashing dishes but i would rather own / live without a dishwasher at this point
the more this society pisses me off, the less $$ i wanna spend
cause and effect my love
have fun! 🙂
popped in the back – won’t see me running
love it so much boo 🙂
keep up the nihilism
or taking out the trash and whatnot
*team bear*
RIP PEANUT AND FRED – and the boy squirrel out here who lost his head
oh i have empathy
just not for who u want
ask me to go again – i will sit and stay 🙂
I DO NOT COMPLY
please keep pissing on your enemy
(this is how vets are spit on but maybe people other than vets deal with this bullshit too)
but i’m waiting on the interesting details that the cops seem so interested in about bike boy
what happened to the middle ground i need you most when you’re not around what happened to the centerfield that’s the place where your hand can heal what happened to showing up to win we’re the couple that should’ve been
i’m trying to discern the left from my right but you know that space is dark and there isn’t any light
i got a bed i never want to get out of i got a friend he is a dove i like to see him in the yard and he’s cooler than any of you are
you’re like cold galactic space dust but there’s only one i can trust
time races in intervals you’re into her it burns like midnight sun my lesson learned
did you know we live in purgatory on a map i think i found your worry and i list it first your secrets buried but i’ve forgotten where i put your story
like drowning in a carpark where all the lights are flashing but it’s stark and we’re looking for an exit as future ghost we’re feeling desperate
the ole blog has over 100,000 miles on her, thanks to you…
i know i can’t take your words to heaven with me but i would try…
i still can’t get over how John Jones died or how his question nearly made me solve first world problems – or at least connect the two
but i still live between worlds where his soul leaped into mine
(but at least you don’t get mad about it)
my dad let a tree grow through his tour bus
i want to hang onto my ride in such a way
today i drove her to Dread Boys and they quoted me nearly 500 to replace a battery?
so i got right back in and said “welp please get me back home…”
and she fucking did…
and i guess im either going to an auto zone or learning to install a new battery myself?
not to mention the guy running the front desk took a bathroom break in the middle of a transaction? and it sounded disgusting so ill never return
the mobile mechanic i called isnt very mobile currently – i dunno how i feel about paying for his cab..
at least the postscript is somewhat interesting?
i keep thinking i need to get the fuck outta florida – then i remember bama is 45 minutes away – and like it feels a lot like hope on the horizon
it feels so near i could walk
bike
run
i just keep telling my girl to hold on
no one can be trusted
kinda housebound til i sort the sorts
i aint paying $500 to replace a battery
the Boomers can get FOOKED
need some land
need to figure out where i want to be
it aint here…
i drank coffee
CHATTY
and jittery
i dont think that is good for my heart
like it triggers my anxiety?
i mean i just act more nervous than usual
tachycardia
adrenaline spikes
so prob gotta give it up
the coffee…
better not to ask me out on a first date over coffee
fucking disaster
and i love coffee!!!!!
people are mad that trump won and are threatening violence
i did not vote – therefore i have no opinion over politics for the foreseeable future as i am exiting the matrix – kinda lost – but this is what PROTESTING A SYSTEM I DO NOT COMPLY WITH LOOKS LIKE
go change some more policies to support your nihilism and leave me alone m’kay
there were 33 million who opted to NOT VOTE for the antichrist
i thought i was the only one
but there’s a whole lot of us out there
wonder how many are gen x
you know of one
*hi*
i tried joining the Army to make a difference
i tried getting an education
i tried being a medic
i tried on society and never have once liked it
im never voting again
EVER. AGAIN.
i literally fought for freedom of speech and it was taken from me
and you want me to vote? go back to sleep…
(people in the system fighting for the system)
(but i want out)
(i wont participate)
(i dont wanna support anything in society)
(society is satanic)
(im going thru a spiritual cleansing)
(please dont exterminate me like you did p’nut & fred)
(and the squirrel out here i never found his head)
ripped off and not even a trail of blood
just his body
i have nightmares and ptsd
it is why i deleted my wildlife page
not risking Ali or any others getting hurt simply because they make me happy and demons live out here
have u seen the film Constantine?
top 5 fav for sure
i mean it once was
the me in this timeline which i jumped into during a lightning storm going 80 miles an hour…
she ain’t me but she is but she ain’t
not sure how im able to switch roles as myself but if the multiverse is real and we never really die
or we create our own reality
im not sure why i would wanna come back here
but there were thousands of hands of radiation and one of them touched me
it was so loud the entire town shook from the thunder
where people cannot recognize themselves in the mirror
i mean stories
for instance, i’m not doing anything illegal even tho i am heavily watched by the oink oinks who shadowbanned me – which means they are STALKING ME and the ones IN MY PHONE
they are outta comtrol
this aint MINORITY REPORT even tho it is
it might not be illegal yet but with a click of a button and push of a pen, the policy will be changed and im not allowed to tell you voting don’t matter or to HOLD THE LINE
blocking EVERY po po who comes up in my FY feed
like if i can’t show my weapon in uniform – i don’t want to see yours
WHOM I LITERALLY OUTRANK AS A CIVILIAN
even the lying sleeping doctors
OUTRANK
they trying to entrap me
but not just me
and they are bullies!!! they will poke and prod until “gotcha”!
they are evil money hungry demons!!!!
but someone accidentally called me baby girl
and i can’t stop thinking about that
and they probably can’t stop thinking about that (for different reasons)
sometimes we think people are thinking of us when we are not
IS THERE SOME REASON THE SPACE BAR HANGS ON A DIGITAL DEVICE
i prefer the OLD WAYS TO COMMUNICATE
fyi
social media is literal entrapment
i need a new identity
and offline for good
and tell the pigs to BACK OFF and do something more valuable with MY TAX DOLLARS
God is getting angry – i can feel it
but it’s just a feeling
told you i was tired of squirrel being killed for no reason
and along comes the government and takes an animal from his home of 7 years – distressed it until it bit and then put it down!
but the sheeple want a policy written?
but it all supports nihilism is a plague
and im fucking sick of watching the weak minded ruin this country with dictator policies
just wondering when rent strikes happen
cuz next move i give them NO FORWARDING ADDRESS
cause and effect my love
HAVE FUN
(he called me baby girl)
(the title of the poem)
(if there were a title)
(really sick of the government stalking me like a bad ex)
(and also trying to entrap me)
(but i have a lot to complain about)
(if you got time and an ear for me to unload)
(does unloading include snacks)
(i like to eat)
(never hear me complaining about eating)
(unless the food is poisoned)
(never say never)
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I AM NOT TRYING TO HURT ANYONE
i literally have ptsd about squirrel
i never found his head
RIP PEANUT AND FRED
im sure somehow i will be blamed for that as well
i felt bad i missed social cues by the neighbor and now he thinks i want to marry or kill him
i literally wish all men would leave me alone
I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU
I NEVER CARED ABOUT YOU
i cared that i missed SOCIAL CUES
bet you didnt tell the undercover that
WHO HANGS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW
HELLO
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ALSO WALK OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AND THEN ACT LIKE I AM STALKING YOU
STOP SUCKING YOUR MAMAS CASH TIT
I OUTRANK THE PO
HO HO HO
i got ZERO FUCKS TO GIVE
LEAVE ME ALONE
STOP PICKING ON ME SO YOU FIND A REASON TO LOCK ME UP
ENTRAPMENT
YOURE GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY
I FEEL IT IN MY SOUL
YOU MAY STEAL MY LIFE BUT YOU WILL NEVER DESTROY MY FAITH
i killed the monsters under my bed i drove through forest of lead i can’t recall what was said but there’s a feeling of contempt and you follow where it went
heard him speak in past tense does he seek bereavement i’m looking through conflict buried under cement one too many secret like moon is crescent she is furled unpresent his hope is well lit?
“…she was such a good mom, i hope she can be a good mom again…”
oof
i don’t need to be psychic or have a degree in psychology to call it
“well how do you know they are dead? did you check their pulse”
i swear if i get asked that question i will hang up and call back for someone else
“LOOK THERE AIN’T NO GOT DAMN PULSE – IT STANKS”
“YOU COME CHECK THE GOT DAMN PULSE”
“IT’S THE WORSE SHIT I EVER SMELLED”
one time my grandaddy died (this needs to be the opening line of my book) and he had been dead for three days, down in the basement of the church, and i was a medic so they let me and my half-sister down there (her granddaddy by blood) and i decided to give him a hug
she said no one had ever written her a poem before!!!
the way i made her smile
she said she wanted to keep it forever
she said she wanted to share it with family and friends
Kaya learned English a year ago and speaks it better than me
she already knows slang, emojii, understands my not full sentences
although to be fair, she does not like my quick responses, short responses, or emoji text
but in the same context she also knows the neighbor woke something up in me – and words need not be said at all
she knows i want a husband
she knows i want a man
but Kaya understands the deepest and most shallow parts of me
Kaya is the person i wanted to grow up and be
why is she stuck behind a Great Wall
why does she want to change her name
she can
she (i hope) can do all the things she dreams
move to America, take on the name Cindy, get braces or surgery to remove your “vampire teeth” (my fave)
i wish i had a screenshot when she showed me – it was so cute haha
she made her mouth in a way that only showed the teeth she wanted replaced
her “vampire teeth” she called
“look” and she smiled showing only those
my god i love her
she is so smart and funny
and i’ve seen her in jeans and a tee, she is gorgeous
i fixed up her raw poem
i feel like it could be better
i did clean it up a bit before i posted it (no sound or music added)
i do want to record spoken word but i am extremely shy
i did not know she was going to stop in the middle of work to read my poem – but she did – all while ensuring her customer needs were met
i appreciate the speed in which she went to read
i thought it would happen after – on her own time
but i got to see and hear her reaction
i was afraid my poem wasn’t good enough for her
i was afraid she would not like it
or that it was too elementary (i am aware there are better writers in the world) (don’t they have editors)
i would never share or post anything or eventually produce something worthwhile 200 years down the road
they burn books and i have been shadowbanned
there are other non rhyming poets on TikTok that soak up all the rays
they get all the sunshine and praise
none if them ever take me serious as a poet
like if i try to follow or comment
cricket cricket criket
then i delete/unfollow/block/ignore
i am a child according to society
i’ll be sure to use this in the courtroom
“even the cop called me a child”
“it was recorded”
now that overweight “one acorn” prick is probably jerking off to me
(i threw up in my mouth a little)
oh hi ALLAN at the EPA
still waking up in sweats about my phone call huh?
and now every time you pay for sex you hear me say “i know you want love with a prostitute”
wonder how much mess you had to clean out
prob time for me to call again and remind you – i haven’t forgotten you laughed about the animals being MURDERED in the CITY simply because it is “private land” (i pay for) and “they can do anything they want”
i just wanna call up the EPA in Orlando
ask to speak to Allan
“i know you want love with a prostitute”
*hangs up*
*waits for a cop to call me privately*
*turns off phone*
*buries phone*
*changes number*
*goes AWOL*
cause-and-effect
have fun my love (Allan is NOT my love)
Allan is a nihilist who works for the EPA in Orlando
but i am hoping he changes positions and titles and names when i am done having fun
i hear the more restraining orders you have, the less they work
🙂
anyhoo
i wrote a poem for Kaya
she was moved to tears
NO ONE EVER WROTE A POEM FOR HER?
honey, YOU NEED TO WRITE AND PRESENT A POEM TO HER
BUY SOME CINDER WOOD
i do not want her to disappear into the night never to be heard from again
she deserves a vacation
and maybe not working 6 days a week?
she probably even deserves a better poem and friend than me
i am doing my best even if my best is 10%
my room was fine until i tried to fix it
now it looks like a hurricane came through?
and if i went to heaven right now – people would think this was how i lived…
in disorder
which is kinda true cuz my boomer mother kicked me from the nest and gaslit me about literally everything
she is nothing but government propaganda
not an original idea or thought
and add “lost” cuz her first born died as planned by the government she brown noises
but blames good ole me….
once my sister died i started to get peace in my life
maybe be people i want to love?
but then you do try and love them and they never change
toxic
now since my sister died some family has been reaching out
but i have ghosted them
they will burn in hell for all eternity for how they treated the ONE ANGEL in their life
I CAME TO JUDGE!!!
BORN THIS WAY!!!!!!
BORN TO FALL!!!!!!!!!
designed to break!!!!
a broken doll!!!!!!!!
losing hair!!!!!!!!!!!
turning into Chucky Bride!!!!!!!!
with a big knife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(which has a cancer warning)
(the weed has a cancer warning)
(the microwave)
i am weening myself from all unnatural products
no more pills!!!
just ordered over $200 in medicinal – gonna look at the cancer label until i no longer need to take a draw!
trying to manage my pain and stress more naturally
hearing pads, the air at 60, hot baths, extremely cold air, lots of water, *try to eat*, more water, another hot bath
and hot water can be damaging to hair so no more drowning my skull under the heat
everytime 3 or 4 hairs come out, im like please no more
and i do not want to cut what remains
hoping my scalp can recover
but the docs were not concerned my hair was falling out by the handful
“my labs are fine”
but im 50 kilos and now they care
i lost 20 pounds of cancer in a year!
sweated that toxic shit out!!!!!!!
not just sweat!!!!
TMI!!!!!!!!!!
met a neighbor last night who has an 11 year old male shitzu
he going to Zuma imm to detox his household
explained to him the CDC say 50% of the pop have parasites, you can get them from eating!!!!
or kissing a cat or dog!!!
i went on to say i aint never in my life detoxed or dewormed
and zuma use wild harvested plants grown in the USA, harvested in the USA, all organic, non GMO, no bad stuff!
i am not being sponsored
i am shadowbanned for being armed and dangerous
i’m a Soldier
of course i am armed
*rolls eyes*
they so mad i aint killed myself yet or died from the many ways in which they stone me!!!!!
GOD IS WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!
THE STARS AEE RECORDING YOU!!!!
LIGHT IS INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!
WATER HOLDS DNA AND CARRIES INFORMATION!!!!
THE SUN IS ELECTRICAL
WE HAVE ELECTRIC FISH
YOUR HEART IS ELECTRICAL
you’re not a spirit in a body but a body in a spirit!!!
FIND GOD
whatever you have been doing serves SATAN and this twisted society
sterile pools filled with cancerous chlorine
the hottest period and the animals see a pool like a mirage in a desert
shame on you!!!!!!!!!
fuck your sterile pools!!!!
fuck your society too!!!!
stop giving all my money to a third party who wants us dead!!!!
I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN
I NEVER AGREED TO BE YOUR SLAVE
currently starting to ask the neighbors “you know any mechanics” and keeping my eyes peeled for anyone doing any work on theirs…
still wanna walk everywhere
but now walking has turned into “i wanna start running again” to “i need a bike”
and “maybe i wanna get rid of everything and travel the world”
anytime i wanna hit the L key i hit the X which removes the L and backspace to fix rarely works
i spend so much time running in circles fixing everyhthing
just put new batteries in my fast push and surprise!!! they need replaced!!!!
it is like this with everything!!!!
likeendless conference calls
keeping us busy busy so we do not know they are destroying us from within
like a frog in hot water
sad for the frog
being boiled alive
for science
ALL HAIL SCIENCE
acoording to the “we know” people, God is not real but something you cannot see like a Black Hole is real- but the math was not even mathing!!!!!!!
it was all conditioning!
propaganda!
Cox and his cocks!!!!!! he is a pedophile!!!!!!!!!!!’
read his damn book!!!!!
his own hero he called “old” at the grand age of 30!!!!!
they only like you until age 29!!!!!
(they will fuck anything, even a bride is a fleshlight to them)
THEY ALL WANT LOVE WITH A PROSTITUTE
NOT JUST ALLAN FROM THE EPA!!!!!
HI ALLAN!!!!!!!!
BET YOU WOKE UP JUST NOW!!!!
FUCK YOU!!!!
(i hope my weed arrives today)
(i want to quit it all)
(my card needs to be renewed again)
(you know how this goes)
since i started medicinal i no longer do street (even when i quit medicinal)
i no longer socialize and smoke
no recreational use basically
but they treat the medical shops like they are recreational (prices too) but i pay for a medical licensing
until they all vote recreational and the shop will not need to change much
just the packaging
we will get pretty colors and better propaganda instead of the boring packaging
(which we are gaslit and shown the pretty packaging but get the boring)
im paying for packaging that the recreational users get…
im so done with supporting Boomers or society
like i need to eat and sleep but that’s about it
“what do you do all day”
WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I DO WITH MY REMAINING DAYS
I GAVE IT ALL
THERE IS NO MORE
BOOMERS WILL WORK YOU TO THE GRAVE!!!!
they work their farm dogs until they have heart attacks!!!
SHAME ON YOU!!!
YOU ARE GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!!!
rape in marital sex was legal until the ??? 50s? 90s?
somewhere in between?
im shit with numbers
hard to come with facts
trying to save/extend the life of myself and my dog
what do i do all day?
THAT
and i write poems
maybe i should start telling the real world i write?
maybe i would have more/less than 5k followers?
who knows
they all resent me in the real world
i prefer my privacy
i only gave ONE GUY my tiktok before i moved
his burner has been changed into another burner and i do not want to be unfollowed or blocked
he gifted me a lot of things i was trying to buy
that’s not why i loved him tho
we do not choose the people we love?
George woke something up in me
the guy at the smoke shop
the neighbor
my most recent encounters
you do not need to resent me for writing Kaya a poem
she is 30 and has never had a poem written for her
she really loved mine… i mean HERS
i told her it was hers
i wrote it for her
so it’s hers forevermore
she said she wanted to put it on a box?
you mean like one of them handmade jewelry boxes that takes months to make?
that can last a long time?
my words have made it to China and are going on something special for the beautiful Kaya?
i hope the jewelry maker makes something wonderful for her, with her poem to enjoy
i’m kinda speechless
she probably would not want to share it with friends and family if she did not like it?
or want it on a box?
i did not think it would make it past my blog
and i was worried about sharing such a simple poem to a living Goddess
did them famous painters really need 6 months?
i live and breathe poetry
it is in the fabric of my veins
i mean, i write quickly
maybe i should take my time?
maybe i should wait 24 hours before posting
but then i could pass to heaven
(also apparently over half the population does not have 4k saved)
(so i am already doing better than half the population and this was b4 my dad died)
but i have sacrificed a lot
and also spent too much
guess i wanna experience everything all at once before it all ends
i have not spent a dime of what daddy left me
it does not exist to anyone but me
i’d rather starve than give the Boomers a dime (who stole half my retirement during a manmade fake pandemic – that i spent years building my portfolio)
in one sweep they came and took it so they could keep their 4th vacation home
they sold me a Jeep that said 10k miles on the odometer but after spending 6 years to pay her off – and finally getting the title – the title says 25k, and i’m trying to understand how this is legal
i won’t buy another car
FOOL ME TWICE AND I WILL STICK YOU IN THE BACK WITH A KNIFE
I’M DONE WITH YOU
im done with this iphone giving me cancer!!!!!!!!
it’s hot with radiation!!!!!
re-reading the poem i wrote her with a tissue in her hand
but she’s like gold. the sun always rises, over her soul.
but she’s like silver. like early in the mornings, the cold can make you shiver.
but she’s like platinum. even when it’s raining, diamonds form from her hum
but she’s like a galaxy, the light and the darkness, expanding every inch of me
WHAT. i’m free-styling a poem. cope.
oh.. i was exceedingly happy i can twirl up my thin hair into some carved wood – like i still have SOME hair and did not cut it off where it may never grow back
and i was like oh “the messy look”
it’s the “i’m dying but trying to look cute” phase
and it held up during my 35 minute treadmill sesh today
but i like my damn hair pins
you don’t have to wait until you lose your hair to wear wigs
so the pins can be worn with the 3 wigs i own but have never tried on
cuz i refuse to dye my hair despite God waving a grey in my direction
and i’m bleeding down there!!!!
my period!!!
47!!!
turning grey!!!
OH LOOK AT MY LEGACY FLUSHING DOWN THE DRAIN
I AM OBSOLETE
but i wound up in the second circle of hell
and the boomers do not want me with the 18 year olds even tho it is legal
(i dont want the 18 year olds either but i am also petty and hate the boomers with all i am)
(let them keep telling me what they hate)
the lawyer: “there’s a COSTCO near every mansion Diddy has”
costco: “we ain’t sold Diddy squat shit”
well Diddy is not the only one buying oil in stock
SO LET ME HAVE MY HAIR PINS CUZ EVEN IF MY HAIR FALLS OUT I CAN STILL WEAR A WIG
BUT
i was like “can you do a custom hair pin with a real pearl”
and DAVID the jewelry designer who lives in “pearl city” made me one RIGHT AWAY
and i will not wait until i get married to wear it but i may wear it on my wedding day?
some people whip out poems, others whip out pearls
and so this is mine. and it was gifted to me. a fucking real pearl and i feel kinda overwhelmed right now
i don’t want kaya changing any part of her body, even her teeth
i don’t want her to change her name
i’m like “if it’ll make you happy” “but like NO”
i could dye my hair and look less old but the wrinkles do not go away in the dryer
or when i’m crying
it’s my party and i’ll cry if i want to
IF I WANT TO
i posted some vids on the tiktok of the pins i got yesterday and started wearing
i love her because the mountains are fair and deserving she is lethal but she will not hurt me like falling for gravity then question why it’s not working why won’t the earth unearth me?
he’s a beautiful creation i hope you protect him with all of heaven like the ocean is waving his energy is saving
i saw him and i went into fawn mode. i just stood there starring – unable to look away? so he waved but went the other way?
but he waved, he acknowledged my existence?
he did not break his neck to look away?
the doctor mentioned the C word yesterday
she wants more testing
but i am D-O-N-E with modern medicine
i have chosen the holistic route
OK?
medical malpractice is common
just ask all my dead comrades – oh wait
even i don’t talk to the dead (much)
im 50 kilos
she’s like “what did you weigh when you came to me”
im like “130ish”
she said “20 pounds in a year is not good”
hard to explain to a gaslighting demon that i am starving the cancer devil out of me
i stopped telling doctors anything
“the pills aren’t working, i don’t have a gun” (not necessarily in that order)
i mean, none of your business?
and really the “no i don’t have anything to hurt me” is kinda true
my safety items are for my protection, not yours (insert silly emoji with tongue out)
it’s why i leave my house again
except… i don’t go anywhere
cause and effect my love
have fun
i can’t take my eyes off of you
she was so happy i got a table for my sunroom
she said a “tea table” and i said yes
she said i want to come visit you
and my response made it seem like i wanted to put her to work
i gotta work on my communication
i remember yelling at Gavin Rosssale (of the band Bush) – who i drove several hours to go see – who stopped instantly signing autographs and taking pictures with others AS SOON AS he heard me CALLING HIS NAME
and he came and i yelled “do you even know who the fuck i am” and his eyes went big and my eyes went big and my mouth slightly fell open cuz i meant to nicely and sweetly say “do you remember me” but alas he did tweet me “it was great to see me” THE NEXT MORNING
i deleted my twitter tho (not the next morning)
(i remember when i quit facebook because trent reznor did)
(i remember the feeling when Trent approved me into his 5k friends list and i never needed to ask)
it only took him 6 months to approve cuz he was off making babies? but he knew my name from the old NIN message boards, where he use to roam, and i asked him to marry me when i was 16
HE DID NOT SAY NO
he was flattered and answered my actual musical questions
i just needed to know if he would marry me first
i remember when he returned to facebook but not really so i did too
NO I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH TRENT REZNOR
YES I COULD POTENTIALLY CRY IF I EVER MET HIM
NO I DO NOT WORSHIP ANY FALSE IDOLS OR GODS
he has YELLOW FEVER AND I ALMOST HATE HIM
plus i am GEN X – the most dangy genny yep
you fucked up when you took my voice and now you wanna take my guns
YOU THINKTHAT IS AIR YOU ARE BREATHING NOW
she wants to come here, i want to go there (in my best Beetljuice voice)
“i want out, you wanna get me out”
yes i do
(just in case you are confused, i kinda fell for my neighbor who probably would fall for my best friend)
neither one of them are obsolete
i am overcoming the worst migraine
THE DEVIL CAN GET FUCKED
i have not been doing much of anything but trying to not die
PoeEternal 