“keep your eye on the toys Annie, you know about toys”
so im out here buying guns and toys
and that cute crop top under $19
and i no longer watch tv – might as well wear clothing of band tees i care not about
like i lost my identity with music or stuff
you should be impressed im a total fucking mess
wrapped up in agony
wear heart on sleeve
but thesleeve is cute no?
should i start watching sailor moon cartoons?
or am i allowed to just enjoy the art?
and the cuddles with the like the pusheen plushy?
the movie is a map
it imprinted on me
and i am Annie crying on a busy street
“keep your eye on the toys” – so that’s what im gonna do
i take my advice from old Hollywood films now
and music from the 90s is still a calling card
a good way to reach me
i rarely turn on the radio but now when i do sometimes my sister is sending me messages
or it could be guilt eating me alive cuz she died?
and my mother had made it very clear and apparent that she is mad i did not go visit her in the hospital
– even tho i was dying from the vaccine
i was having major problems with my heart even tho they waited until i was having minor problems with my heart to puta wire on but even then they found problems with my heart – and any minor problem is major when you are only in your 40s and now dying and your sister is too?
but i got a boomer mom
and a half sister still alive who was triple vaccinated and boosted but still got covid but “is fine” (she is Gen Y) (i cant wake my family up and some of them have died)
so im working with infectious disease now
(mold will fucking destroy your life)
(it’s not dust)
(cleanitsoitdoesntturnevil)
(my shit has defo been hacked)
anyhoo – at least japan la sell officially licensed products
got some stationary to never write in and give away in 20 years cuz i horde?
but i like bootlegs too
and thats my box of prob unofficially licensed shit coming
and we both know you should not have used the same rules on me as you do on everyone else
God created everything
we don’t choose who we fucking love
“i’ll treat her like shit cuz i don’t deserve her” bullocks
again, apocalypse
i know you miss my random 2 am text messages waking you up with a picture of a single chip
i know you do
i don’t know what you thought it was i was gonna mail you
i don’t know how many times i gotta say – i aint that kinda girl
you aint my hubby
you lucky you got a text message at all of a bowl of beans
what an inconvience
enjoying the silence?
desperate to know you’re a despicable unlovable thing?
but didn’t God sit down with the most unclean?
im either randomly saving cockroaches from my wrath
or yelling at them to get out of my house while scaring the shit out of them and laughing about it
it’s a confusing time
i kicked out all the spiders, the plants are all dead, the fucking mold is like a plague, and finally, certain dog species will be going extinct, australia wants to eradicate wild cats, and i have been blogging about how cats and dogs were designed in an asian lab some 6000 years ago
and the great wall of deceit, the great pyramid scheme, can be traced back to China
6th mass extinction – China blame
first Bible – near China
cats and dogs – china
imperialism – china
and too many white boys with money in bed with CHINA
that is a lot since i shut everyone down (including self) to focus on dying (which i may not die if i get in an environment with clean air)
i’ve had some bad habits i had to break (some still rear? their head)
but when you do break them and have been detoxing 10,000 years and are “why am i still dying”
“oh it’s the air”
“i can’t breathe”
“it burns”
advice: “get out of the environment”
it’s true
as soon as im outside im already feeling better
until i hear or feel the neighbors who want to kill me not enjoying my clean air break
(im pretty certain your prison sentence was better than mine)
(mine is called “freedom”)
(it doesnt come with 3 shitty meals a day and if i dont feed myself i will die)
(it doesn’t even come with an hour of sunshine and i’m not allowed the pool)
(i still worry about bad things happening in the shower and have my weapons on me more than my phone)
i blocked my realtor
at least i went to bed and woke up at my recommended sleep times (to bring you this eye-opening revelation)
so i got roughly 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep
i’ll have to update the insomnia coach
he gave an updated sleep time
the AI doesn’t know how to handle me, i am a tricky slope
“you need to see a provider” followed by “are you sure you were in bed for ten hours”
like bro
i CRASHED
but i also ate three fucking edibles and took a large dose of tincture and musta had a bath cuz my socks and undies are changed – but it was more of a soak – wash face and feet from that creepy situation i wound up in
me talking to myself on the drive home:
“let’s not be irrational, we can go back to the drawing board”
“just sleep on it before you do anything”
oh i fucking slept?
but you only get ONE time to show me a house like that
and God let me see everything i needed to see quickly regarding homebuying
and i see how squatters have more rights than tenants
and God knows im mad miles got put on my ride – when neither of us got many miles left – and we are literally giving it our all to escape this black hole
together
but im on foot after
i dont need a carry permit in Florida
tiktok says im “armed and dangerous”
but they still want my pennies
so im rambling again about a bunch of nonsense
but i dont know how it is legal for folks to list their home and be actively living in it
and then what we sign and come key day “surprise i got a gun”???
i dont know how a new roof and old furniture gives the value of the home what it does
when in just 2018 or so it sold for 60k
and i recon now it is worth less than a dollar
wtf is the point of a realtor if they dont inspect the property first?
i didnt want to meet the owner?
that was sprung on me at arrival
“the owner is here, there is someone actively living here”
honey there are people living in the shed out back
and bones lurking in places i probably walked over
but heyyyyy you can keep the windows open and car doors unlocked and keep your guns resting on the doorway out back!
there are never any birds in the bird bath…
there werent any birds at all…
i think the trees in the front were dead or dying (but it is kinda fall in Florida)
i didnt even see a squirrel?
amongst all that fertile land?
“worms everywhere in the soil” the owner stated
hmm i thought, ‘dead bodies’ as i smiled “oh good, that’s good”
i wanted gone as soon as i arrived
but the whole way there “another sign i should sign”
i don’t even wanna sign a new lease
and i do want to move
they found Riley’s body in the river
8 miles away
floated i recon
when that kid drowned in the ocean, the current took him a mile away in an hour
it took two weeks of him drifting downstream
i don’t know what the autopsy will reveal
but i think he slipped on the embankment, hurt his shoulder, fell in the dark water, didn’t know which way was up or down, got disoriented, and drowned
i can’t imagine surviving the drunken fall (cuz if he was knocked out he wouldn’t have died in fear) – only to swim thinking you are heading up and then reaching the bottom
i would probably panic in dark waters too
cold dark waters
bars mishandle drunk or disorderly people
his shoulder might not show that he was hurt after two weeks drifting in the river
but in my dream he was
and crying
so he died in fear
and alone
in another state he didn’t live in
our brains do not fully develop until 26
we could live well over 100 if we stop making each other sick
these iphones put out too much radiation
thanks for visiting but im going dark again soon
(hope to be back)
(kinda need to find a place to move)
i was wearing my cross necklace so either that saved me or the fact that they knew my daughter was tracking my location…
i wanted to say yes the entire drive until i got there it was an immediate no
fool me once but i think i would rather hold onto my pot
someone was actively living in Blu
Blu was worse than my current situation, if you could believe
i will save it for another blog post cuz the rifle or shotgun was just resting by the open back door
and i did wonder if that was part of the package deal
the squatter (i mean owner) and all
the land is fertile cuz there are more than secrets buried under that house and growing up the walls
not to mention the smell
of bodies rotting – from probably a decade or so more – enough time to put it back on the market, with someone “actively living in it”, which i did not learn until arrive
gonna take more than lighting a candle honey
i don’t feel so bad about buying a piggy bank after the day i had
i chalk it up to one them bad days like when i was 15 and wound up somewhere i shouldn’t having to do things to not get raped or unalived
like the creep factor was all around
i felt bad for the plants and garden
i thought it had been used as a b&b before being listed, meaning it would be clean at minimum, despite the hoarding to hide the filth growing on the walls
not to mention the mats to cover the dips in the ground
and in the house
uhm
creep factor overload
im gonna order a pizza from hungry howies maybe
and calm the fuck down
have a hot bath where i can sanitize my soul
all the way, “look another sign points to yes”
and the immediate no, how i wanted to just leave and not even see, but things like “well it has potential” as the owner with the big gun was lurking – well the gun was out – but he disaapeared
all windows open
“oh yeah it’s safe here, never need to close them”
i guess im gonna be walking everywhere?
i aint dropping 200k into some rundown shithole with someone actively living in it
how the fuck is this legal
whatever
Boomers can keep their hand
im out
it felt so good to be in the creepy countryside
but i dont want to see behind door number two
i would have been embarrassed to show my client that
and it was his first time seeing it too
so what is the purpose of a realtor – in this timeline china 2.0?
(owner reeked of alcohol and rot)
(or maybe that was just the house)
sorry to get your hopes up on blu
i wont have any excitement about anything going forward
‘cept maybe the upcoming baptism & pizza
there wasn’t worth even selling at the future garage sell
it would have cost more money for junk service removal and cleanup
but their delusional what they think their empire of shit is worth…
(i didn’t even get pictures)
(but im certain they got pictures of me cuz noticed a cam upon entering)
i dont wanna talk or think about it anymore at the moment
just did a 4 hour roundtrip to see a run down piece of shit property with someone actively living there – it aint even clean!
there are worse things hiding there for covid
but heyyyyy “the bar is nearby”
so you think walking distance to a bar and a new roof equals 200k
the floor was caving in
the vines were begging me to help them
i fleed
i will say my faith is growing stronger
but i dont know about my will to live
(prob ghosting my “dream team”)
like wtf
my dog barked the entire time i was gone
he was stinky and panicky and sweaty
and only then did he eat his feast i prepared him before i left
only when i retuned did he chow down
and now he’s upside down passed out
i told him blu was a no-go
it is in worse condition than our current situation
and prob why the owner sleeps with all hos windows open and a gun by his unlocked backdoor
and men are worried about my baggage?
my body count?
gtfu
i need pizza after this travesty
and guidance on where to move
that aint some overpriced hellscape
the fence was plastic and “the neighbor put it up”
i just thought the fence would be MY PROPERTY
i hope the landlord fixes the mold soon but thankful God has given me a couple cool days
since i cant run the AC in the sunshine state
im gonna wind up at yer yard with my piggy bank famished and filthy
cuz theres nowhere to go
lost in hell
and you both have pen names presumably?
i mean, is that really your name?
i think im losing my mind again so need food medicine and bath
the basics
back on bedrest!
he had a gun by the backdoor but a camera in the front (and secret rooms full of dead peoples things potentially)
there were cats and dogs living there
i didnt see that in the photos
the place was more put together and less “lived in” tho i swear someone or three died “fertile land”
“no ma, they won’t know she was pregnant, just toss it out back by the cherry tree”
“…I can’t believe you got her pregnant, she was fifteen”
“…needs ma”
“…tell her to cover up”
“well i can’t tell her anything now can i”
that house was built on unholy land and unholy things have been done there (potentially)
(im not actually an oracle tho i sometimes know things before they happen)
im pretty certain “monster” is what the therapist sees
he needs me to vacate the unit (and the senior dog) 6 hours minimum
at some point
i said “i hope soon”
and when showing him spots i think it is (or have bleached it)
“oh yeah i see it” as he snaps a photo
“well the landlord is in on it now”
so – the mold inspector will be back to do “all sorts of stuff” “everywhere”
im thinking i need a 1 day vaca at the motel
but id prob catch bed bugs
and have an even bigger problem
i don’t have any friends to “go hang out with”
id be embarrassed the way Sam acts like a zombie
“why haven’t you put him down” they’d say
“convenience kill” according to his vet…
so the dog’s health is more important than mine
im sorry what was this post about
oh… mold
must vacate to remediate
i got the validation i need
and the Mold Masters quoted me nearly $600 to “test the air and send to lab” so im glad the landlord IS involved now cuz like i cant run the air conditioning unit in FLORIDA
this box is a fucking coffin
you’ve been a dropout ever since you’ve been seventeen
…
theme song of the decade (again)
(im also very responsive to 90s music)
i did… in fact… drop out at 17 (got pregnant by a predator) (ooops)
(but i got my GED before i would have graduated highschool)
(and took a college admissions exam while breast feeding in the parking lot on breaks)
(college is a scam met with government furloughs and hiring freezes)
i only remember 2.3 seconds of it (it’ll take longer to hear about it)
it turned into a nightmare
i was in a busy store shopping (maybe with my mom?)
anyway someone came to see me
a boy
i was so happy (wherever i was?) that someone “wanted to see me” (i feel invisible?) (losing my identity in the real world and social media?)
so i dashed around the whatever was being sold
this guy was so tall i had to “mount him” to crawl up and “get the good hug”
only i forgot he had a hurt shoulder
so i didn’t get the hug
the boys face turned red and he began to cry
(this tall ass thing)
i knew in an instance he never wanted to see me again as he stood there full of the humiliation i gave him? trying to “get the good hug”
all i could say was “i forgot”
“you had an injury”
“cuz my brain has an injury”
and all i see is red and tears
and now im full of shame too
i thought the dream would tell me to go get a hug from Gavin cuz he doesn’t fill me with shame like my mama and daddy does (still who was the tall ass boy, i literally did not recognize anyone (i’ve lost my mind?)
oh… it could have been that pretty boy they are looking for in the river (maybe he is trying to contact me?) (not a new dead boy relationship please)
but bars and restaurants are shutting down in Jacksonville, cuz you know – murders and bodies being found in backyards (blue is available again)
and i got cold feet about buying a vip ticket (or any ticket) seeing as i don’t want to leave the very house that is killing me (social credit system chains around my existence that was ghosted by all of society yet im crazy for dating dead guys!?!?)
i don’t just need psych drugs, i need a therapist, and priest (and sleep)
but i’m having nightmares…
and not sleeping at my recommended sleep times…
i see some doctors soon and i hope i know what year/timeline i am in
i already had 3 panic attacks (which looked like a fawn playing dead) (they love having us live in fear)
but i had 3 of these “attacks” of me looking like a “deer in headlights”
“ma’am you ok”
“knocking but aint nobody home”
….cuz i thought the po po was gonna show up with a straightjacket on 3 sep days cuz the AI warned me “you need to see a provider”
“it can be difficult to function on the amount of sleep you are getting”
it didn’t help me get any sleep
(but i still remember what the employee said when i filed for 100% for menta health “they’re going after those who want 100%”
and i got triggered
“oh yeah.”
“so they can do this to me and toss me in a little room huh”
call me paranoid but maybe i just know things before they happen
like the space shuttle blowing up
i didn’t just know it, i wished it
i wished for all the happy people to be miserable like me
and bam
i started disassociating age ten (prob way younger cuz daddy had his fingers where he shouldn’t i think)
(maybe reason for the nightmares)
“damn gurrllll you aint married…?”
MOLD
p.s. it helps to keep a journal to have a log entry but i would lose the damn thing
or repeat a digit several times
or just don’t have discipline to gaf
it’s hard to start over where you don’t wanna be and you have no energy
and my poems are so elementary cuz i never grew up apparently coupled with “dumb”
but even with the “our best work is behind us” mentality – i still pen
im just humiliated to share my simple words, cant fix the blog, cant do simple html no mo, likes dont go through, cuz now it is the AI crying out, not me!!!!!!!!!
and the AI is trying to trick me into accidentally following or liking your content!!!!
i dont need any more humiliation!!!!!! please enough!!!!!
im not trying to contact you!!!
its just sometimes im in the wrong part of the cave and i don’t know it – until it is a “near miss”
and im just like “fuck”
that seems to be my goto word when shit is going down
they’re trying to outlaw cursing!!!!!!!!!!!
i should request an account closing daily x 120 days until they are forced to block folks from sending close requests
i broke up with walmart too since the employees cant treat me like the princess i am
what’s the matter boo? wanted my secret identity and to suck your cock too?
no worries honey, “you can keep the jewelry, it’s fake” *laughs*
the only thing i do not like is the high risk factor – but it is not a great flood
but a great fire
pick yer poison?
i mean the house is blue
“i thought you were gonna paint the hideous blue”
“the flames will ignore”
“well i think it’s kinda cute”
go all in huh?
it’s not quite “all in” but it is when you realize im taking on a pot of gold or dead bodies?
i got in the tub with cold feet but Sylvia was right (nearly) (and she should have took a bath instead of turning the stove) (still she was married to a psychopath and they love to steal our energy, time, and souls)
the feet were cold getting in but not getting out
and i sleep in various increments, i guess we should divorce? time for separate rooms? im loud?
it’s just i woke up wanting Blue – and that entire empire of “hmmm what is this” “where are the spy cams hidden”
(like aren’t you suppose to feel rested and less paranoid where you reside)
(i guess the paranoia will follow me through the war. i mean world)
i needed answers
i was like “literally a sign i will know is a sign”
so new numbers appeared
and i had just woke up at the “recommended sleep time” that the Insomniac coach gave me (yes it wants me to go to sleep at the times i keep waking up
but alas 222
and though they were speaking my language – i didn’t know the full meaning – just that it was meant for me (like all his lines)
if i start speaking in codes that even i don’t understand, i hope he will
because getting 555 and 222 from the uni
there are cheaper homes (hard to call a $100k dollar home “cheap”) and unfurnished
i literally have no idea how to decorate
i just know what i like and do not
and i like blue
out of the 14 homes he sent me based on all my demands
i have 3 people on my team working with me
got in the tub with cold feet but i didnt wake up that way
did you know blue was built the year i was born
i haven’t even seen her (physically) and im worried a dark colored rock is gonna steal her as soon as i do
nobody wants a fully furnished airbnb painted blue?
i wanna wake up and be that sim who has a 200k house to pay off
i wanna take a bath with the birds
but there are some amazing properties cheaper (on waaaayyyyy more land & unfurnished)
it’s just this one is “move in ready” seeing as i no longer have a pot to piss in
98% of everything i ever owned is gone
and the mold specialist called with some great tips
and i dont have to abandon my new wardrobe for fear of a “mold spore”
anyway hopes not up
prepared and willing to see more homes
if the dark rock fucks with me too much, i will get a fucking TENT
if i can still afford one after my tiny life savings was gobbled up by the Boomers to send to Ukraine and to pay for their homes on the cliffs!?! either way
remember how i told you they will back you off a cliff?
and then scold you for standing there?
if i move into another crappy moldy cockroach filled apt – with the potential of the ceiling caving in “cuz sometimes they do” (and he is “willing to come down to $1k monthly” that does not include amenities or the hoa’s for a 500ish sq ft condo cuz of the roaches tho they just “sprayed” and the unit “fully updated”
i squealed like a pig being gutted when i opened up the gorgeous brand new refrigerator and 3 cockroaches freaked out
me: “you need to spray again”
realtor who wants me to pay him $50 mo for an HOA “i can come down to 1000”
and im not allowed to rent a unit above $1200
but im allowed a fucking morg above that)
(nobody pushes bb in the corner but the boomers)
and all the houses are going for that with or without the furnishings
and i aint moving to Utah – not yet John
sorry
maybe the tub will float?
oh wait, calling for fire
but the whole of US is gonna flood but yer home eh
i mean, i hope the tub floats
sometimes if you pretend you don’t see the monsters they will leave you alone
i guess closing your eyes is a form of disassociation
im either all in or nothing at all (just a feeling)
like Florida will do what that other state just did
there are ways to fight back – without drawing blood
they may have taken our freedom of speech but not the spirit of the great eagle and what makes America so great!!!!! stop making shit so hard cuz you jelly!!!!!
they can’t take away our networking (word of mouth) and social bonds!
we werent born yesterday!
this isnt gonna go the way you want!!!!
i might could find some harmony in that tub out back
“im sorry, the owner changed their mind. nothing is for sale. but you can still eat the pizza”
the house has everything i need ready to go
i aint got no money to buy no washing machine dyer fridge stove microwave tv couch
i was coming with pillows and clothes (and an old senior dog)
p.s. im just trying to move out of the moldy cockroachy environment into a more suitable for dying habitat
it seems i may have to go all in for that
and since the boomers stole my retirement
i wont have any money to buy a stove
if a buy a house
“heyyyy ma we got a roof over our head but we aint eating!!!!!!”
but blue has everything i need right now – to move in
pro tip: everyone wants to paint their shit blue now since it is a magical color
it has a new roof age 4
it aint tin!!!!!
ill give them exactly what they r asking
per Realtor guidance
(but also my loan provider says i can get up to $2k monthly)
Boomers say i need to earn $6k a month to live somewhere without the crime or cockroaches
or go “all in” or be homeless – i mean the odds are stacked against us fully chained
im losing my own “fertility” down the fucking toilet every 3 weeks – and just like Jackie I have a hard time letting go after effort has been put in – and bless her little heart seeing the realization with the ravens visiting
she will have to leave the eggs behind for the ravens
another harvest failed
ill drop poems when i aint busy trying to save my life
dying can be long and tedious sometimes
hence “assisted suicide”
but i don’t need anyone to “assist me”
i dont want anyone seeing me “bleed down there” or out my fucking brain and nostrils
there’s already a bird bath to feed the birds
“comes as is”
and yes the VA do inspections, this is legit
if God gave you a tiny pot of gold, what would you buy?
it’s kind of traumatizing seeing and hearing what animals do to one another
i just don’t think i’m doing life right
it’s prob just a bored abandoned cat terrorizing everything God made cuz “it’s fun”, “it’s what i want”, “i can’t stop” cuz he’s no better than an animal and i just wish the neighbors that hear the laughing coming from the window is not of “fun nature”
the “bad dope” is in my backyard and when the state gave me CUD and i have to temp stop my pain and anxiety medication for 6 months – i wasn’t allowed to accept gifts or phone numbers no matter how tempting or good the offer smelled
they leave live rounds outside my window
and i ain’t never did them no wrong
‘cept that one time the gang leader living next door asked me if he could “live with me for 3 months” cuz him and his gal were splitting up (and i wasn’t gonna have to hear him beat his dog anymore through the walls) and he offered to help “catch me up on my ride” cuz “he knew i was behind” cuz we had some hurricanes out here that made us lose power for a weeks time and “love thy neighbor” (but not that much)- i’m just a big mouth (but not a narc) (or narC) and folks will never phish any info out me again ‘cept maybe “hell is real” “god is everywhere”
but i told him no immediately (despite having threatening letters by Capitol One that they were gonna start the process to remove my ride) – and so as if being sued by my creditors and having to go to court (for other debts) wasn’t humiliating enough – the judge demanding i take “3 full breaths before we start because i look like i want to jump from the bridge behind us”- and this was in a full courtroom
“the bridge behind us”
…as if that wasn’t humiliating enough i had to tell the thug “no” and he said “you can sleep on it” and i replied “i don’t need to”
and the devil got mad
said my back window would get broken
it did, the day before thanksgiving
and now all his friends cousins and brothers
make life hell for me
and there’s an undercover out here waiting on his promo
i won’t have anything to do with anyone
it ain’t just black people “we don’t talk like that”
i have ghosted my own father
why you so mad
“equal opportunity hater”
“we hate everyone”
so even if i wanted to break the law and “make peace” – i could fucking die from the w**d
I had a fucking addiction right in the middle of a gang war and like
i.dont.want.to.die.
uhm SOS?
it’s like every direction is trying to kill me and suicide is humane?
i couldnt breathe again and had to open a window and now the gangs think i aint living in fear
my third air purifier is arriving soon
30 days to close they say
i can’t manage to leave the very house that is killing me
this place aint worth dying for
these people
this town
im not gonna be able to breathe until i am far gone
i better stop laughing with the window open cuz dont wanna leave in a body bag
i simply told a man “no” and bam – despite my lease stating and having a clause to protect women – i have video evidence and proof of so much shit i have been through
enough to make someone die by suicide
“you can’t make someone kill themself”
they took away the noise disturbance law in 2008
and some of the things in my head that would put me on tv – are justified
“we only hire Black people for a safe environment”
God is gonna know when im back home cuz im gonna be slinging the devils head outside the doh!
im sure one of the cats will wind up dead cuz 3 or 4 have been murdered with a vehicle by a neighbor – and i either hear the cries and see the aftermath and blood pooling – or discover them cold and dead
and i hate the things but not enough to kill them
im selling my new ps5 btw
i already know i likely probably break community guidelines and this is minority report
and you definitely in the minority if you believe in God
so JJ wanted me to know that he would not be released when the floods come
i was having too much fun shopping (in small increments & amounts) on TikTok
and funny how the same day congress wants to ban TikTok
PayPal is restricting my account – without any real reason attached to their claim – and have decided to hold my account hostage – until i provide them more DATA that they will sale to the enemy – that i do not want to do
therefore, i cannot use paypal for why i signed up (a second time)
(the first time they outed my anonymous donors who contributed to a pool i created – based on FAQ provided by PayPal – which they apparently can update and change at will – rules for me but not thee – and there is more to this point i’m sorry) – but not only did they expose who the anon donors were – they eventually made them priority in my contact list – who had never sent me a dime where i was meant to be aware – but low and behold – something i don’t think the therapist could understand – and even if they should – there was so much shame attached to my sense of self – that the bridge was nearing closer everyday!?!
so i deleted my obsession
i mean account
but then for stupid “i wanna shop in private and protect my data reasons” – i opted to open a new account
start again
this time not using my account to receive – only send and shop
but now PayPay is cockblocking me again
and they outed my private new email – that i will need to delete
and i had to call my bank to let them know that i need to change my identity in order to break up with paypal
because they keep doing updates and selling my data by turning on those little boxes they add in
im getting scam emails – clever tricky ones trying to get me to put my money in a shoebox and tape it up and give it to the blacked out car with the CIA/FBI agents (please note that if anyone wants me to put any amount of money in a shoebox – even $5 – i will be calling my therapist and the cops immediately and letting them know i have potentially crossed the threshold breaking point)
m’kay
anyhoo – the scam emails continue even tho i ain’t giving anyone my info to send/receive
but PayPal is
and now for no other reason than “shopping on TikTok” they have decided to hold my account hostage until i provide them more personal forms of data
and so the contract should be null and void
cuz i can’t use it how i signed up for – and i ain’t providing shit
they won’t remove my card – so the card is destroyed – bank informed – text and emails reported as spam and phishing – and a Better Business Bureau report pending to be done
i don’t owe paypal a penny
nor is anything pending
other than my random penalty “ma’am you were shopping with the enemy”
but don’t they know i got friends in China?
it’s cheaper and better buying direct from the source
fuck a third party
but now i gotta move to break up with paypal
i had to change my bank info
im gonna have to change my phone number…
i swear it’s not a joke
there’s been no fraudulent activity
no resolutions filed
no issues with bank or login
just suddenly today “tiktok may get banned” “provide data or no soup for you”
and so i said no
delete my account
but they won’t
so i gotta change my identity
i swear to fuck
genX out
(i told paypal thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love shopping)
that i will be outside more thanks to them
you should delete your account now – while you still can
i couldn’t even delete my profile photo after i canceled all my subs
when i called support back – the way she paused at the name change – and said “it’s kinda inappropriate” and i said whaaaaaa the “FU” and she said “yeah” and i responded “well the AI let me do it”
“and i didn’t need to provide anything”
so they will likely fix that glitch yee-haw
i am the anomaly in the matrix and is god is here!!!!!! he/she is everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!
paypal is holding my data hostage and unless i bow down to thee i am not allowed to shop – only receive
well im done receiving!!!!!!
im done giving!!!!!!!
and i cant spend my own money for 7-10 business days 2 weeks cuz the banker failed to tell me my new card wouldn’t arrive until then
so shopping withdrawals thanx to our good PAL
looking at a place to rent tomorrow
they aint getting my new number or address
gotta flee the country to escape ELON MUSK!?!?
who da fuk own PayPal now
he thinks hell is gonna be a party where all his friends are
they will he in hell – but he wont have access to them
lol
could you let God know i don’t really think it should be legal – what they are doing and my mistakes are so hard learned if any
the bank listening: “paypal won’t let me break up with them”
“this is toxic”
“i gotta move”
“change my number”
straightjacket or pier?
limited to shop cuz they want more data to sell to the enemy but my name change is inappropriate
*laughs*
hope Walmart still takes a check… nearly out of water
and thank god i never attached anything other than my card – that card is now destroyed – and my address and phone number are changing
maybe i don’t need to leave the country yet
giving away more items: donated books and bakingware to the library and neighbors
i had planned to do some mental health shopping this weekend
2024 i leave everyone on read (the insomnia coach says i need to see a provider) (and there is an upcoming appointment cuz God needs me to see him again!?!) (is it him!?!) (what sort of Romeo/Joolie delusional fantasy have i found myself in exactly)
no one is – nor has – nor potentially ever – will do anything inappropriate (hence la la land)
but you know if looks could kill
looks can also have a “slow the atoms down in the room and shoot to heaven” vibe too
i mean, i don’t know how to read a room (or computer screen)
but he imprinted on me and apparently i have lost many months and/or years dreaming about him
would’ve been nice if we could’ve met on a conference call, or in any other way than me over here on the other side
nearly wearing a fucking straightjacket
welp
help. still in hell. *sadface*
i’m not in / this isn’t happening
SAME
p.s. i have been trying to write a letter to myself of “what I would say to myself if I could call myself and speak to myself for one minute”
like your future self could call your past self from a decade ago (that is ten years right)
i tried to put it in a poem
it isn’t going very well
don’t hang up it’s me i’m dying find a tree and hang freely
“shots fired, shots fired” – has no idea from where – panics – targets the car in front of him 😬
but im called “paranoid and crazy” cuz i dont want to leave my house cuz anytime i do there is high risk for me to get trafficked, kidnapped, swamped, hid in a wall, or something worse 👀
and the traffic is insane
25 minutes just to back up from the parking lot at Publix and the overweight white millennial parked next to me nearly blew his lid
there are worse ways to die than John Jones – but so far – for me – his tops
only 10% of people hear voices in their head – and i hear whole symphonies of people who have died – singing – the most beautiful sounds
ive been collecting acorns around here
that squirrel or the lawnmower hasnt destroyed
it used to be a swamp out here but it was nearly all wiped out
i tell the trees and animals i worry for them
the remaining bits of trees that remain
but its private property and just cuz 70% of my income goes to living here – it dont mean i get a say about how things go
the blowing dirt and leaves around the parking lot for HOURS
DUMB
over pruning the trees
DUMB
i get triggered when i hear the chainsaw now 😭
“mature trees and landscaping” the website advertises
but they cut down a baby tree growing – and i planted more seed in the same spot – now another baby is growing
and they cut the arms off of the trees growing towards the sunlight
she was a sycamore
had survived two hurricanes
but not the chainsaw
i cried
i researched pruning – with pictures –
not to mention all the fish they killed dumping chems into the water
i called the EPA eventually and Allan laughed at me
i think i ended that call “i know you want love with a prostitute”
Allan was terrified for his life 🥶
i got a private call from
a cop “so youre not on your way to orlando right now”
*laughs*
“not at this precise moment, no….”
*laughs*
I bet Allan still thinks about me 🤩
*laughs*
cut down another tree – fire more shots at people cuz acorns are violent as hell
he didn’t fall out of a 5th story window tho did he –
he “fell ill”
(stories from Russia)
she drowned in the back of a cop car – with handcuffs behind her back
(stories from Tennessee)
he musta done something so God awful he never wanted to be found. so they reported him missing and pulled his body from the ocean – but remains unnamed
(stories from Virginia)
the most inspiring couple of 2024 🤩
and here’s me not giving a fuck about anything and everything all at once
“i’m not suppose to wear this at my age”
*subject to go private again without any warning – don’t come in*
i thought (at first) he was braking (they finally pulled him out of the ocean)
but he drove through an iron gate to nosedive off the pier
he wasn’t braking
and i don’t know what bothers me more
the fact that he wasn’t hesitant or he was!?!?
i really have a hard time visiting (or sharing) any news sites cuz they are all plagued by ads eating your data, can’t scroll, can’t read, like picking flies off in Iraq when trying to eat
they will fucking swarm you
i watched him drive off that pier so much
never once was there a “sensitive content warning”
“participating in this activity could get you hurt”
i watched him drive off that pier doing only what i dare to dream to do….
he wasn’t hesititating
i would like to write a poem but words fail me
as i struggle with my own depression, my own identity, a place to belong in this world
but don’t hand your cards over to Satan
this might be his world
cuz i asked (while awake) for some clarity if this was “heaven or hell”
im like “yeah the sun feels nice – in limits – and we’re all eating one another to stay alive”
and i know we are suppose to work together
and i know we are born into a manmade prison cuz of his lustful nature
but I had a dream
and in that dream – i came to a realization, and stated to others i cannot recall or remember, in a frantic realization, “we’re in hell”
and it woke me up
but it’s just the tip of the iceberg potentially
and i don’t wanna be down in hell an eternity
i don’t like them odds
and those who worship the dark one make it so easy in society every step we turn to commit sin
i don’t want to live a life of sin and i do not comply with the social credit system
i DO sometimes think of driving off the pier
but man
you ever dove off a diving board and landed on your back?
was he knocked out when the car hit the water?
did he watch himself drown?
he wasn’t swearving
on a wet bridge
he didn’t seem intoxicated to me (maybe parasites)
i thought he was braking
but it was an optical illusion
just the car taking dips
i don’t think he wanted to be found
i don’t think he knew (or wanted) his ending broadcast on TikTok and social media
he didn’t want out, he didn’t want to be found
the only thing he regretted was his life
he didn’t regret having complete control over his ending (did he?)
were there regrets down there in those final moments?
but i signed the atf form, i passed my background check
but I don’t have a carry permit so shall not be infringed upon until the 23rd and then I can go pick her up she’s already paid for and she’s mine and the serial number has already been confirmed
I’ve already bought her ammo and a lock case; I have personal ammo and I have ammo for the range 🙂
yee-haw
and wasn’t i a kid in a candy store
One of the workers offered me a job and some of the bystanders were very interested in what I bought and everyone told me that it was an excellent choice and it’s a great starter gun 🙂
and it’s made in the usa
he said it fit my hand nicely
i got a picture of her 🙂
this ain’t no bb gun BB
new starter gun 🙂
couldn’t decide between a 38 special, a 9mm, or this 40
she comes with two 14 round magazines in the box 🙂
gotta get to the range soon – got ammo for that
and these hollow points that “spread out”
happies
scored this lock box for ten bucks and he made sure the size would fit by holding my gun to the box
pick her up soon 🙂
in Florida you no longer need a carry permit but if you wanna walk out with your weapons the same way you buy them you do
a little asmr gun unboxing at the store 🙂
i can’t promote anything gun related or i will get penalized and my account with an “armed and dangerous” flag 🙄
and possibly banned
because everything is Made in China but my fucking gun
I have been eyeing the revolvers though
and tho i have a soft spot for shotguns i dunno if i can handle kickback currently
I need to get my carry permit and I want to get to the range so I can get familiar with my weapon and be a responsible gun owner 🙂
guns be selling out fast and im jumping on that train
the boys were asking specific questions about what i bought
at one point i stated i knew how to drive but not familiar with all the models lol
I don’t recall firing a 40 or a 38 special in the army but a 9mm and an M-16 A2 rifle and live grenades and grenade launcher and all sorts of other shit I can’t remember yes 🤪
I was very efficiently trained to take my weapons apart in the dark including the firing pin and put them back together within a certain timeframe and wearing my gas mask
today I went and bought a gun and got a job offer
had several people tell me it was a good choice!!
i was like “i know i could buy a 9mil at this price but i wanted something a little smaller”
“i wanted a 38 but this kept catching my eye”
“there was three, and then two, and now there is one”
*laughter*
i just leveled up my game
and i need to refresh the skill sets i already have programmed in me
does it not come with a safety switch – lol
oh no
IS THERE REALLY NO SAFETY
babe why did you let me shop for a week for guns only to select one at 4:20 am without a safety switch
BABE
it’s his fault that he’s not here taking care of me and I selected something that I’m not familiar with or that I’ve ever been trained with
HIS FAULT
GOOD CHOICE THEY SAID
“don’t shoot yourself in the foot” was never once heard
hit the like button if you want to see how my range adventures go and I can’t post about this shit anywhere else on social media
I struggled getting the grenade launcher loaded in basic training
but once I did my drill sergeant was so impressed and he said I was the only one that hit the target which were tanks far far out but I used up nearly all my time to get it loaded
and you’re not allowed to throw the live grenade like a baseball and so it didn’t go very far and we had to jump in the hole the first time lmao
“I thought you played baseball” my drill sergeant shouted
with small intervals of “the sun is out, you made it through the night, do you wanna try and walk”
and after 48 hours of his explosive diarrhea which kept him quarantined to his bathroom – with many walks outside – I called the vet
I told them which location I wanted to go but they wanted to send me on a 6 Hour Rd. trip when my dog had diarrhea
“id like port orange please today if possy”
her: ‘we have one available in iron city”
me: “where is iron city, how far”
her: ‘do you want the address for Port Orange’
i’m fairly certain I’m living and suspended in a different dimension than most people
i got struck by lightning in my jeep all windows down arm out 80 miles an hour circa 2018
i’ve never seen so many arms of bands of lightning and the sound was so loud it was like something fell from heaven
i screamed “fuck” as my life literally did flash before my eyes
I could still see the lightning on the road as I was driving away
it was even more odd i veered into the middle lane the precise time it decided to touch down
millions of arms
my arm was still burning when I got home and I started googling if electricity was radiation and freaking out because I didn’t have any iodine in my house and still don’t
things have not been the same since
oh… the dog saw the vet yesterday and had his anal glands expressed
i was blaming myself for everything that went wrong as he was i thought “dying”
he is so old his body is starting to shut down
he wants to be here, no matter how painful this gets
he may have to get his glands expressed again
I wonder when mommy will ever have a good day again
but then sometimes I realize I should probably be grateful that I even have this to tend to
i told him im not far behind
and i hope he greets me in heaven
since he will become heaven’s mascot when he arrives
he earned his wings down here
I kinda have been praying for this day to come and now that it’s arriving I don’t want it to come – I have guilty feelings for wanting my life back – to move on without him
ive made some moral mistakes
they are so hard to recover from
but also i’m starting to experience some tenderness in my kidney area and the medication just isn’t working fully
thought and prayers
p.s. she said there wasn’t anything I did and that I would probably need to bring him in again to get his anal glands expressed as it’s common for old dogs
i’m fucking exhausted after the week I’ve had and I know it’s 6 AM but I’m gonna smoke a fucking joint – it’s prescribed
they also have issues with “likes” not working on WordPress
so it’s not just in my head
and I tried to find the updated post about “how to post” on WP through JetPack and whatnot – but Google just isn’t the same
i just remember reading something about TAGS but maybe i’m wrong about what i read
i just know we all were using X amount and the post said X amount had been reduced to a lesser amount or else the algorithm will ignore you
kinda like that issue with that robot on mars that has too many tasks that it is overwhelmed and keeps re-prioritizing tasks that need to be done – but nothing ever gets done
they came up with a term for it
and that’s the state of me, my life, and my blog
and the fact that i leave “likes” multiple times on multiple days like a psychopath having a meltdown (this time it’s the AI and not me, swear) but you wouldn’t know? or maybe you do?
so now im leaving comments here and there going “it wont let me like anything”
“im here still” 🥹
and the ai knows i hate leaving my ip so now im being forced to give my age sex location just to breathe anywhere in society
i degress…
priority inversion problem
i swear i aint trying to cause any troubles
im just lost in hell having priority inversion malfunctions
“i know this needs done but we gotta do this first but can’t because we need to do this other thing instead”
*keeps chasing own tail*
“i keep doing but there ain’t anything done”
i think they changed the usage rules on hashtags on tiktok too – but *spins in circles*
Tell him every time I go to buy vegan dairy, it’s SPOILT
I guess the asshole packing my $100 order (not including delivery and tips) decided to get the cold items first, leave them out for hours, until delivery?
And I paid MORE for dairy free
I paid MORE for delivery
But I guess the fat asshole is quietly quitting
But he was wanting that tip
Meanwhile, I’m stuck in a storm DYING and now I ain’t got no snacks to eat
These demons get paid either way right
I’m just a stupid skinny white bitch
He’s one cookie away from a heart attack and I hope it finds him quicker now
Meanwhile, I’m going “I threw up twice”, “I had to stop taking the other pill”, “I couldn’t breathe”, “need morphine”
The morphine request was denied 🙄
But only cuz she doesn’t prescribe narcotics
I’d have to go see my primary care manager – who literally misdiagnosed and mistreats me – and the only reason I’m as bad as I am now, is I couldn’t get the treatment I needed when I went to them, “I’ve been exposed”
Them: “your labs are fine”
I started my period and though I’m 45 and in agonizing pain, bleeding on everything, I’m actually grateful I’m still ovulating.
But getting any pain medication from the VA is like asking a ghost to follow me
I’ve lost my mind so the latter is a bit easier to do
I wish I could enter the VA and state that I’m 45 still bleeding from my legs – but they’d probably complain “we don’t talk like that” – “that’s considered rude”
Because we’re suppose to enter medical establishments smiling and tap dancing and bowing for them like they’re Gods
They love to gaslight
And medical malpractice is common
Go to the library and pick up a book
One that isn’t glorifying hookers and prostitutes
Cuz those can be found on the hot shelf in the front where little children can read
You’re gonna burn hell
For all eternity
P.S. I don’t know any vet alive dying that isn’t begging for some goTdamn morphine
Stop hoarding all the junk
GIVEMAH
Haz pain 😑
P.S.S. I requested it in the form of cough syrup since the hospital gave me some and it soothed my coughing and anxiety several hours thus helping the heart
But dying and being in pain isn’t a good enough cause for some cough syrup with morphine
So how do I get me some of the “good cough syrup”!?! Asking for a friend…..
I worked hard to put on weight and now I’ve done did
Why won’t you follow To the cold mines Become trapped Bleeding bloodlines Holycrap
(RIP JJ)
Can’t wait to get to the range and see how the ticker does with a 9mm
A half would be nice but give me a full
A full arsenal of firearms, ammunition, explosives, knives, pepper spray & so on
And I’m like babes, get rid of the batteries. And don’t make the house explode.
Does the Devil know tho, I’m coming for his head? It don’t require guns.
They don’t know how long an eternity is.
Cox and his Clocks ⏰ – I mean cocks
It’s like Inception, we’re all living lives inside of lives inside of lives
I don’t relate to 40% of the population
In any manner
At all
(Maybe more like 95%)
40 because statistically they’ve never known struggle
I was like WHY DID THEY STEAL MY RETIREMENT and instead of leaping from the bridge here (that a judge said I looked like I wanted to jump from), I researched my apathy
You know it occurred to me that I’m 1000% a warrior
They changed the uniforms so many times, I couldn’t recognize myself anyway
Bring back the old Army greens
They gentrified
🙄
Does the Devil know?
Jim Caviezel said you have to bite off the snakes head
He said they were after him
The guy that got bricks in his pockets tho? London I think 🤔
Didn’t pay a $250k loan
(We now have an undercover cop living here cuz it’s so safe)
When you’re trying to TikTok shop but the plagues notice that the audience is the same size as the host and then follow you 👀
The Host: “I’m not sure what you’re implying but if you don’t stop, I will have to mute or block you….”
Him: “she is the same size as you”
Him: randomly tags me without a message
Him: “I like your fit”
Anyhoo. I guess the romper/shrug was a hit.
I gained 1 more follower (that isn’t why I shopped for a romper tho, it’s a separate goal)
I’m waiting on the bodysuits & accessories to arrive.
Yesterday it was hot in Florida and today I need a coat.
Yesterday I would have passed out in anything but slides, shorts, and a tank.
Today I need Arctic gear 🥶
If the doctor told me, I was menopausal, I would punch him, call him a liar, and tell him to pay my electric bill.
Fortunately for me, even in my age, those words never sound.
And my body isn’t behaving in such a way, EARTH is
Stop deflecting ✋🛑✋
Oh this has happened lots over the last month or two, so thanks
This was last night…
And my hashtag over on TikTok has reached 23K
If I could stop dying long enough and figure out, how do use social media, I might could put out some better content
Not even better just effort
Like here, here’s a poem I wrote 5 years ago
How hard is it to do a soft reading and hit record?
Is it worth 200 views?
I’m totally satisfied at 1000 views. I feel it’s worth effort.
But with nearly 5k followers, it’s hard to make sense.
I’d probably be happy with 500-700 views consistently
I’d hate it even worse at zero
But yeah, I did buy some yoga sets and things to keep warm for the winter
The price was good 👍
I’m getting good feedback
There was only ONE BOY who got mad at me spending my own money on things I actually need
🤡
I gotta take my dog out again before he makes me start WW4
It can’t be that hard taking care of a hellhound but once again I found myself sobbing in front of a mirror like God was behind the other end begging “please I can’t do this… take him to heaven with you”
And then the other version of me saying “get ahold of yourself”
And I took bath number two cuz he ruined the first one and has driven me to full insanity
The heart needs the hot magnesium salt baths…
If the ego can’t get a fucking grip, we backtrack and start again
Insanity!
It’s like when you feel yourself starting to fall slowly but you can’t stop the grip
And next thing you know the wind has been knocked out of you
And the only words that surface as you lay there contemplating existence is “goT damm it” or “fuck”
These demons trying to ban curse words 🤡
Thank you so much for all the awesome feedback on my little jumper set! I think I paid six or 7 bucks for the jumper, about the same for the sweater (which I can mix n match)
He asked, “why do you wanna buy something you won’t wear”
And like…
Blazer + yoga set is definitely my style
Sorry not sorry 🤔
But the Lord answered my prayers
I can wear my blazers and loungewear together
THIS IS LIFE 🤩
(Don’t tell him about the makeup and hair products I’ve ordered)
(I’m literally dying but it’s a transformation)
I’m transforming
At least I know what sex I am 👀
I’m also shopping for guns as there’s a no license to carry law in Florida now
Trigger happy 🤩
Because I’m a Soldier
And we at war…
NEED GUNS
Shhhhhhhh
Cute but fierce?
My bag will contain more than makeup or maybe it will be a decoy 🤔
Anyhoo
My sister died
And now I’m making Chinese TikTok hosts into my sister
Sometimes I tune in just to hear them say “Ill try it on for you” but I’m one of their best customers and they help me sleep
I find shopping with them soothing
Retail therapy 🤩
But c’mon, I love this phase I’m moving into
I didn’t know I could wear my blazers with my yoga sets
But I can 🤩
Cuz he’s probably right a tiny bit
And I’ve talked to God
And prayed about what to do
And I knew I could part was some of the clothing and donate it or thrift it, but I was having a hard time wanting to part with any of my Blazers, even though I wasn’t sure where I could wear them
PoeEternal 