I imagine the distance that keeps us – and why heaven can’t reach us – because space isn’t just silent – it’s speechless
Maybe your name is Apophis. We’re both lost in the abyss.
THAT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED
According to Saint Peter Steele:
“April 2-0-2-9 the final time / the end my friend is not near / the hour – in fact – is quite here” (-)
(Could you pick your speed up on writing lines, even if I’m not on time, I never learned to set a clock, I never even hear a chime, it’s almost like it is a crime, but I can do a run-on, I think it has been too long, but I don’t have timer in the kitchen to help me not burn this song)
He reminds me of you. But aren’t your eyes blue? Like an angel from the sky, make me fall down and sigh. Know you saw me coming too…
Or maybe your the Jester, I’m just a guesser
Do you know how to measure luminosity? What about the loss of me?
(I really just wanted to share the first 4 lines – I’ll play catchup another day)
It’ll be easier to snap photos of my messy writings
It’s just freestyle
It’s not messy messy
It’s just – the urge – to write in cursive
With curses
Found out who you really were / didn’t make a difference cuz / you were meant for her \
You go from sunshine to icy winds The road less travelled is the road we’ve been You go from shadow to now we’re friends? I guess we’re ghosting again?
He doesn’t understand why I’m always giving gifts I ain’t tribal Don’t read the Bible But he swears I’m collecting feather wings He said he thinks he saw me growing things But you’re a liar Can’t be re-wired Always on the run Must be so tired Cuz the Devil’s in your blood Here’s comes the Great Flood Mixed with bones and fire
I know. I KNOW. I don’t drink enough water. Or I drink too much. (Somewhere, a thousand years down the road, some asshole will take that out of context. I ONLY DRINK WATER. HOPE YOU BURN 4EVA THIS HELPS
I’m not filing in a single orderly line so the AI will understand me
ME > PROGRAM IN MATRIX > DOING WHAT IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO DO
what happened to the middle ground i need you most when you’re not around what happened to the centerfield that’s the place where your hand can heal what happened to showing up to win we’re the couple that should’ve been
i’m trying to discern the left from my right but you know that space is dark and there isn’t any light
i got a bed i never want to get out of i got a friend he is a dove i like to see him in the yard and he’s cooler than any of you are
you’re like cold galactic space dust but there’s only one i can trust
i killed the monsters under my bed i drove through forest of lead i can’t recall what was said but there’s a feeling of contempt and you follow where it went
i never wanted to push you out into the current but you would yell, it’s what you warrant and you held my hand as i pushed you towards the torrent you would say “love’s not important”
i hope your ashes are burning. like a viking in the sky. down here i am rarely learning. like i’ve lost my mind.
I absolutely do have a learning disability.
Then it’s like my IQ can only go so far until you arrive at a secure door without a door knob
like those server rooms
where they spy on us and control time
none of this is real
“there is no spoon”
because they’re trying to condition us to believe in the Multiverse theory so that they can further segregate you from God and make you feel like you don’t have any kind of worth or value because they’re fucking nihilist at their fucking core and they believe in anything dark and that’s what they fucking serve like dark holes, dark galaxies, dark suns, dark matter, SHIT YOU CANNOT SEE, nor measure, “we just know” – cuz they are a cult of godless psychopaths who love love love children and making them believe early on – we are born in theta – that God does not exist – that he himself is a god – but an artificial intelligence
“computers feel things”
that way you can love your precious young AI like the pedophiles you are
you would rather imprint and love a fucking computer
this entire society is one nihilistic web
“God isn’t real” you demand as you force your dark void propaganda on me
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME
STAY OUT OF MY FAITH YOU FUCKING SOULESS MONSTER
I’LL BITE YER DICK OFF NO REMORSE
FEED IT TO SHARKY WHILE I AM DISASSOCIATING
ARE THESE WHAT FANTASIES ARE MEANT TO LOOK LIKE
I don’t know what’s going on out there because I have stayed off anybody’s blog that I do not follow or where I feel unwanted?
smooth passageways the terrain was hostile still i climbed down
when you go from a bad place to a better place you go to a worse place first “from bad to worse”
“i look forward to being arrested” she contested
lines will be drawn or written he says he hates me cuz he’s smitten i lie like a kitten soft and rarely hidden
the steel crumbled like you and me too little too late concrete at the gate
i returned to see who you follow no apologies cuz you are hollow like a rotten tree
is that the shadow of the moon blocking the sun? but you can’t forgive what we’ve done? but why are the clouds so close to my smoking gun?
like walking through a sea of foam covered all over your home we walk alone
something is afoot but not adrift i’m lost i admit
the glass is smashed i’m coming last like a homerun, my wrath is fast
the sheep are nestled in the ruins the moon is soothing 50 foot swells are brewing
she’s the worst kind need hill or mountain just to climb
air into lungs before you lose your mind she is mine
it’s like you and i are chasing a rogue planet chipping away at nihilism like granite and you’re collecting names of everyone i yell “look whose done it”
i don’t wanna come back as a cockroach that’s a big nope
i promise you it’s always regret those final moments drawing last breath
were the FBI the cleanup crew? would you draw a gun on me, if to your land i flew?
never go head first into a body of water or down in a cave, where you’re wishing there’s some vodka
and we both know you should not have used the same rules on me as you do on everyone else
God created everything
we don’t choose who we fucking love
“i’ll treat her like shit cuz i don’t deserve her” bullocks
again, apocalypse
i know you miss my random 2 am text messages waking you up with a picture of a single chip
i know you do
i don’t know what you thought it was i was gonna mail you
i don’t know how many times i gotta say – i aint that kinda girl
you aint my hubby
you lucky you got a text message at all of a bowl of beans
what an inconvience
enjoying the silence?
desperate to know you’re a despicable unlovable thing?
but didn’t God sit down with the most unclean?
im either randomly saving cockroaches from my wrath
or yelling at them to get out of my house while scaring the shit out of them and laughing about it
it’s a confusing time
i kicked out all the spiders, the plants are all dead, the fucking mold is like a plague, and finally, certain dog species will be going extinct, australia wants to eradicate wild cats, and i have been blogging about how cats and dogs were designed in an asian lab some 6000 years ago
and the great wall of deceit, the great pyramid scheme, can be traced back to China
6th mass extinction – China blame
first Bible – near China
cats and dogs – china
imperialism – china
and too many white boys with money in bed with CHINA
(cuz absolutely would propose or ask if anyone was available in the unit)
(if he responds “i am married” then that does not mean “no” but that he would have taken me to coffee and the courthouse asap to make things official and whatnot…
i love you more than all the heavens combined we move like the wind but hell won’t change my mind like crossing roads we’re entwined? entanglement? weren’t you heaven sent?
we’re seven inches from heaven but crawling closer to meaningless which way to go then which door to open but leave it on floor all your hope when you walk in i wonder why we haven’t spoken walk around the boat when it’s clearly overflowing but i won’t stick around to watch you jumping
i know you’re there i can feel your shadow watching i’m always awake my finger is a kill switch my divine purpose maybe i’m not a soldier yet until i get my finger wet wrapped around your dying neck i don’t give a heck
Memento mori Placed on shelf A little worry For no one else
Lake of Fire future resident? A personal present? For the ones I love best?
The interstellar texting fees must be astronomical But still you reach out like fading galaxies Or maybe you just want to collide into me Yet always demanding the direction I take While lingering in the fantasy of my wake
Why won’t you follow To the cold mines Become trapped Bleeding bloodlines Holycrap
(RIP JJ)
Can’t wait to get to the range and see how the ticker does with a 9mm
A half would be nice but give me a full
A full arsenal of firearms, ammunition, explosives, knives, pepper spray & so on
And I’m like babes, get rid of the batteries. And don’t make the house explode.
Does the Devil know tho, I’m coming for his head? It don’t require guns.
They don’t know how long an eternity is.
Cox and his Clocks ⏰ – I mean cocks
It’s like Inception, we’re all living lives inside of lives inside of lives
I don’t relate to 40% of the population
In any manner
At all
(Maybe more like 95%)
40 because statistically they’ve never known struggle
I was like WHY DID THEY STEAL MY RETIREMENT and instead of leaping from the bridge here (that a judge said I looked like I wanted to jump from), I researched my apathy
You know it occurred to me that I’m 1000% a warrior
They changed the uniforms so many times, I couldn’t recognize myself anyway
Bring back the old Army greens
They gentrified
🙄
Does the Devil know?
Jim Caviezel said you have to bite off the snakes head
He said they were after him
The guy that got bricks in his pockets tho? London I think 🤔
Didn’t pay a $250k loan
(We now have an undercover cop living here cuz it’s so safe)
Oh thanks for that. I’d be so grateful if I knew how to edit/fix my blog. Without having to spend $500 minimum to start over with a new blog.
But I’m glad you’re still here.
Sometimes I feel I lost my touch, that I won’t get back what I had before.
And I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose.
And how Bruce Willis (an actor if you don’t know) “recognized his entire family today” because we can’t take our memories with us when we die.
And I’m fighting so hard to hang on to a life that in two year, perhaps, I won’t remember the war I fought in.
I won’t remember we’re in a 6th mass extinction – and white people are being systematically exterminated.
I’m in the center of society watching its own extinction.
I woke up crying bleeding between my legs and poetry piling on the tongue.
And this little poem was born.
They say focus on what makes you happy (as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else).
Writing makes me happy. Or content.
Even if the context is more volcanic.
I quit therapy. Maybe I’ll discuss in another thread.
Maybe I should pay the happiness engineers $500 to have AI build me a website but didn’t we once buy software for $50 to do that? Furthermore, they want a business plan to run it???
Cuz simply upgrading to “no ads” and “use my own domain” so my readers can visit worryfree isn’t enough, on the personal plan I can’t hire WordPress to use AI to create me a website nor am I allowed to “chat support”. That’s a different paid plan. 👎👎
They can’t even fix my current issue and I sent screenshots.
They absolutely could fix it, with the flip of a switch.
Like breathing to them.
THEY’RE GONNA BURN IN HELL.
Went through everything I owned. Took inventory. Still have stuff sprawled out. Need organizers and hangers. And some other minor things.
But now I get to fixate on something else now.
The closet is full. As planned.
And the pantry, fridge, and freezer.
I’m quarantining for a long while – no family get together for me this season. I have offered to mail out cards tho.
Postscript: I broke down and renewed my medical card. Instant approval. Ordered my goods online, they called immediately letting me know my script was expired. I have an appointment in the morning with the good doc and she said, “okay, will go ahead and fill it”
Haven’t smoked since May and come tomorrow I’m gonna be on the moon.
They had cartridges for $18. *sigh*
I thought it would takes weeks or more before I could smoke again.
Nope. Less than 24 hours. 🎃
Maybe I’ll start writing again and going to the beach.
I hate blocks. I hate WordPress. I can’t sort out the about me page no matter what I do. Even though I pay for a plan, I’m not privy to chat support cuz it’s a personal plan.
I hate how I treated you.
Even though I wasn’t in control of myself.
I just started group therapy once a week for six months and others in group say “like” and “uhm” every other word. I’m not exaggerating.
They have zero self-awareness and the conversation makes me wanna end all existence.
People do this on social media too and I wanna jump from a bridge.
It’s so hard to engage or have compassion when all I hear is terrible speech patterns.
Helps.
You’re like a little piece of string in a dark cave I can’t let go of.
Would you write my obituary? And lay to rest all the sins I carry? For to sadness I am married And our love it should be buried
They come They go It’s my fault though Status too low Weep like willow
You’re always on the run Never stop running You’re never having fun Complain the sun is sunning
I’ve never had anything, and now I’ve got too much. And I could lose it anytime, that’s always been my luck.
I’m sorry but I’m not I said what I thought Feelings come and go Sometimes I take a shot No matter lesson told I say it on the spot You know I can be cold
People already think so lowly of me, I can’t get anymore low.
But it’s easy to judge when your grass is always green.
I’ve been on this earth unmarried for eons, it’s literally hell.
I like being naughty sometimes but I never was that naughty.
We’re literally born nude and we can’t take our clothing to heaven.
I miss doing spicy photography.
I don’t know what to tell you
I just wish I was already moved.
But I’m holding out for land instead of spending uppers of $6k to jump apartment’s.
I am overdue a new environment.
It’s hard to be inspired and motivated in a place I can’t stand.
I’ve only ever posted nude photos, never compromised myself by doing anything other than photography. Though many requests came in with $$$ offerings and I ran folks off.
I have some very cute outfits and have been working out despite growing old.
95% of my household items are gone. Either sold, donated or dumped.
Things are in boxes minus my closet.
I still sleep on the floor.
So think what you will of me, but I miss my tribe.
My accounts were active and I had a lot of traffic.
Now everything is stagnant.
I’m tired of stagnation.
I don’t see anything wrong with nude art.
It teaches me how to be a woman, something man has failed at doing.
But they gave me my username back, and that makes me feel better. 😘
I’m terrible with secrets.
I don’t know where I’m going, I just know I don’t want to be here.
I’m barely holding on in breath or words The spaces where we fell I’m never sure Apologies are song in flight that carry with the birds And longing comes on full moon where the clouds they will obscure
Like all of the dirt was swept under the rug And tongue twisted lies were a shadow of smug For the pressure of meaning was soft like a quilt But the weight of the wrong was as heavy as guilt
And we speak in code like our lives are a riddle But the circle of destiny is not in the middle And try as we might the cross has been hung But only regret can measure our tongue
Please pick up a feather and write me a letter Please open your eyes and bring us sunrise Please do right a wrong and don’t take very long Please deliver fall and give me a call
So this guy turned 12 on Saturday. Mostly a good boy. He hates the neighborhood and I don’t blame him one bit. There’s nothing to like. We wanna move. He’s trying to make it to 13. And despite the ups and downs, I didn’t give up on him. Tribulations.
I contacted my mom on my birthday. She was happy to hear from me. She said she loved me but I never said it back.
Just wanted her to know I made it to 45.
She also kept bringing up my sister who died and I also never responded about her.
She wants to see me so I might be getting a visitor this year.
Maybe.
P.S. I’m obsessed with Pinko blazers and clothing and getting a new wardrobe. Never wore a blazer in my life and now I got a weeks worth. Even got a Beetlejuice looking one. Cuz.
I may or may not share my new wardrobe at some point. Doing it for me and no one else. Not dressing for views. But it kills the blues (shopping).
People want me posting more but it’s so much work and I can’t break 300 views.
I think I’m just exhausted in all areas of life and would rather sit outside. It’s hard for me to connect.
I’m literally dead inside.
No empathy, no sympathy.
Pissed off at the world.
Just talk to God mostly. Cry. Pray. Regret. And then practice gratitude.
I am grateful for my closet.
For owning clothing I wanna wear.
But I don’t wanna go anywhere.
Time to just be dressy cuz.
“What’s the occasion?”
“We’re in hell and I’m alive….”
Can’t take nothing with me to heaven.
Would be 10x happier if I moved somewhere the mold wasn’t killing me.
So I got my little stand put together and my TV set up to be spied on. I’m still awaiting my PS5 impatiently.
I want a big stretch out lay down bean bag. Not a couch. Something like this.
Apparently people have a couch AND these.
I want the dessert first tho.
Wanna stretch out on a giant cushion to watch a movie or play a game.
Also, I’m sick of all the narcissism in society.
I don’t believe Hawaii burning was an accident.
We are under attack, one malicious attempt after another.
You voted for this.
I no longer think voting right will accomplish anything.
Gen X are the only ones capable of fixing this mess, and we’re tired.
We’ve been ghosted from society and trashed on by every demon in the world.
Millennials are still sucking on their mothers tit, Gen Z don’t know which sex they are, Boomers are responsible for the end of society.
I do not “love thy neighbor” in any capacity or form.
All I see are demons.
The immigrants do not have our best interest, they do have our best jobs.
Yellow fever is a condition in which man is cursed.
They are under a spell they don’t want broken.
Porn activates the primal side of the brain. They get off on killing. They get off on ruining good people. Over 51% want love with a prostitute. It’s been made legal in Nevada. More murder will happen.
In college, I learned subliminal messaging was used at the grocery stores (should be illegal).
Imagine what they are putting into porn.
“We don’t know why he would do such a thing”.
STOP LYING
PORN has ruined mankind.
I’m learning to set boundaries and ghost people too.
Nothing is as before The sun ain’t yellow The way people plead And bust down every door But they don’t bleed When they bellow They just unravel And yell at me Offer poisoned apple That I don’t need Still I’m under cover Collecting seed
P.S. I finally stopped losing weight and gained weight and am now 120 pounds (still size small)
Women look at me with contempt often. I guess they need someone to blame. I had a basketful of treats and doughnuts 🍩 while ordering a footlong sub at Publix and could feel their eyes burning me. I tell no lies. They were not happy with me at all. Or were projecting their own unhappiness. Either way, I’m still fitness rebounding and plan to include skating before I die (hopefully not soon). Have been going on more walks with my dog too. Don’t let them lie to you and say “10,000 steps don’t count”. My motto when rebounding for a minimum of 10 minutes is “every step counts”. Cuz even if you can only take one, eventually it will be 3 and 5. So keep going, keep moving. Spiral out. 🌀
I’m upgrading my rebounder soon.
Still waiting on the ps5 notification of “ready for pickup”.
Cake is in the future, but right now it’s candy bars, doughnuts, brownie bits, and muffins. Don’t judge me.
Cuz there were 5 staring me down while ordering food.
Like chill yo. I’m famished and dreaming of sweet treats.
I don’t want it to be my downfall cuz junk food is junk food.
It’s terrible for me. I’m gonna learn to make my own sweet treats to satisfy the cravings.
Anyhoo
P.S.S. Me and him (him and I) are so in sync, that I managed to order the exact tv stand as him, same color.
I even made a second trip to Walmart to find a stand, which they didn’t have one for my size. So reluctantly got back on Amazon and did a search and read through many reviews and fought with myself on color, and slept on it, then ordered.
Sent him a text of what I got (cuz) and he responded with a picture of his entertainment area. Same fucking one.
SAME ONE
He also ordered some shit that I got mad at him about but once it arrived said he was gonna return it (so glad)
He imprinted on me in my twenties and I had a dream about him as a child.
He’s a nihilist and most days I hold him in contempt
But I ain’t returning my TV stand just cuz it happens to be the same as his.
Maybe the algorithm is to blame.
AI is always watching
If we discuss a name via text message, TikTok will show me loads of content of shit I don’t wanna see
And I yell at him for it
We had not discussed tv stands tho
I just like to show him things I buy
And yell at him for things he buys
(Like random hotel rooms by “accident”)
“I didn’t realize I reserved a room” kind of shit
Or buying flags of another country cuz he’s a traitor with yellow fever but pretends he don’t know what I mean…
I’m a fucking oracle
I know everything but in fractal formation so nothing at all
AI did not decide on the TV stand I wanted
I even drove places hunting one down
The one I decided on came in many colors, but somehow I got THE EXACT one as his.
He’s probably my twin flame
Something weird is going on….
Tis all
I also ordered this bat wing purse thing and wallet – cuz I’m gothed out in pink these days (and my obsession was before the Barbie propaganda bullshit). I probably will stop spending money soon. I have nearly everything I need.
TikTok made me buy it. Check out Wicked Misfit for cool accessories. This is my 2nd purchase from them. Recommend.
Except a playstation membership and headset for social hours.
*sigh*
Anyone wanna gift me? 🤪
P.S.S. setting up the modem soon. Gonna be utilizing the living room again. Eating at the dinner table now instead of my bed. Adding more routine to my routine.
People miss me going live too, and now that I’m regaining weight instead of losing, I kinda wanna…
Dr. Peterson says you need routine – and there’s only so much cleaning and cooking I can do.
And my life is still disorganized after letting 95% of my belongings go
Did you build me a house on sand? Did you kill all the ferns? Left clouds for me to stand? My poetry did you burn? Did you post a sign where I am banned? Are we waiting to take turns? Are you flying a spaceship that is unmanned? Do you think your hand’s too stern?
I miss the stars Rotating Around your love And do you ever think of me Far above? When silence is howling And there’s not enough? Do you call my bluff? Have thoughts to discuss? Or am I just a memory For your hate to engulf Do you regret giving up?
Better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6 And your enemy won’t let you forget You remember this? You remember that? The enemies on my throne He’s wearing my damn hat!
You can’t unbreak the broken Take back words spoken The spell in your eyes The holes that you hide
They were bred to kill and steal I’m behind the wheel Driving full speed And it ain’t you’re automobile
Bred to kill and steal Like they made the Devil’s deal I will send you back to hell That’s the real ordeal
When one door closes Nail a board over it Plant some roses Don’t submit
The fury inside me Hot as the sun The fury inside me Someone’s gonna burn
You can’t escape from prison Until you realize you’re in one Like the Devil’s maze Calling shotgun
Remove yourself Put your tail between your legs And get some help Support withheld Look in mirror and do foretell We’re parallel The way your lies do spin You’re a carousel
I’m gone Fucking replace me Won’t let you face me I’m racing Dust in cloud I’m hasty Like laced lace Revenge is tasty
Too cold to care Fuck me with I dare You build despair And I linger there
Sometimes I think I’m talking to a ghost And he’s dropping breadcrumbs Like he’s the one that I love most But I’m still hungry…
Regret will eat you alive Nightmares become visions you wear
We are going forward in reverse Like the truth makes it hard for the knowing Or where we’re actually going Like living in a hearse The spell is his verse And try to break this curse It’s poison that we’re sowing
My parents ruined my life They only sought to bring me strife Smile at me then stab me in my back Complain it’s God I lack
Say I’m full of darkness Laugh at me regardless I wish my parents were dead I’d piss on their grave instead
Already being trolled by a Boomer cuz my student loans were forgiven that he thinks I should pay so he can enjoy his retirement at GEN X expense
College was a scam met with government furloughs and hiring freezes
Government programs favor giving our best jobs to the immigrants cuz they work harder and are smarter (according to their accord)
I’m aware only X amount of people will qualify for student loan forgiveness
And I should keep secrets to myself
But a reporter know-it-all on TikTok said you’d get an email from the Department of Education if you qualified.
I haven’t received any emails at all
I’m not even certain if I paid anything on my loans or just kept them in good standing
Cuz I’ll get it paid back if I did and will need to pay taxes on it again, like I won the damn lottery – and it would probably put me in a different tax bracket
I’ll worry about that toilet clogging when it clogs
I’ve only just received two letters informing me that my debts were cancelled and that my obligation to pay them is over. Tell the Boomers to deal with it.
My loan providers are no longer allowed to contact me, according to the letters.
The weight is off my shoulders but the worry lines remain…
I’ve been in fight or flight mode so long now I don’t know how to shut it off and just be.
My birthday is next month, on the 19th
I’ve already spoiled myself
I have goals of paying off my 2 credit cards and buying some land not land locked and far far away from a city of despair and demons
I want it to take 15 minutes to walk to my mailbox times two squared
I need an umbrella, not for the rain but for the sun
People will look at me like I’m crazy
Byeee
My student loans were forgiven despite the Boomers wishes…
He’s the color of rufous An absolute doofus He’s the color of sky With black in his eye
Wish we were exclusive Instead of reclusive Like dreaming is lucid He’s the color of life
21 inch porthole Thick socks for the cold The vessel did implode I guess it didn’t hold
They got crushed Their vessel was rushed Now they’re all just dust
Victories not just The dangers were discussed Labeled with mistrust
He never told me how much he loved me Hot sun above me Make me swoon Left me for doom
There’s something in the water I won’t barter The coverup is worse than the crime We’ve all lost our mind
Only the beginning Can’t tell whose winning The cold is chilling Earth is spinning Sun is not forgiving
The rich are the cheapest people Definitely not my equal
SOS only And I’m so lonely My home ain’t homely
My shadow leaves me when it’s dark When I’m shattered into pieces And I feel I have no heart
My breath it nearly ceases A landscape growing stark
I’m running out of patience I’m afraid I’ll miss my mark There’s very few releases
Immured in bitterness It makes no difference I’m dull, won’t take a risk Skipping deaths kiss
The sun comes and goes The ebb and the flows Midnight lows The oh’s and the throes He could heal my soul Or let it decompose In the meadows With the crows
Got the hexes on my exes Nothing here perplexes They’re reckless My math is only guesses
I want to be her The girl he swoons for The one he adores I want her blood on the floor I want to see her die Wouldn’t find a tear in my eye But I’m an amateur
It’s hot and humid I hate his hubris Thinks we’re all clueless Will betray like Judas
I don’t know what’s going on, says the captain Knowledge lacking Inside the cabin
Right is forward and left is back Experts they lack Inside a tiny shack
The question makes his blood run cold He’s the Devil you know
If they’re not already dead they will be That’s what the sources tell me And I have a feeling that is sinking With that submarine
PoeEternal 