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50K!! Life, Regrets, Lessons, Love (& a mini rhyme too)

OMG y’all, this pandemic/quarantine/shutdown has left me gasping to find inspiration. I haven’t got to go to one gig this year to see a band I love or anything and that’s what I’m pretty much alive for. I haven’t got to get in my Jeep and just travel for hundreds of miles to another state to go see a band I love or a friend. Zero road trips. I’m alive for the arts. Music. Poetry. Drink. Freedom of choice. And I fought for these things too.

But borders are closing. Hospitals overflowing. Information disclosing. Opinions opposing. People exposing.

There’s been little to live for but alot to be said. And for the record, I am PRO MASK. I worked as an EMT medic for many years, in the hospitals, in the fields, and in combat zones. There’s not anything you’re going to say that’s going to defer my opinion from what the CDC is putting out. Or from what my training and experience has taught me. And I’m the kind of person that would gladly get back in the Army just to have the right to enforce that on you. I was an excellent soldier, and once a soldier, always a soldier. HOOAH. And there are medics that are actually returning to the government military just to help with this pandemic. Wear a mask. 😷

I have found some inspiration during this epidemic and that’s the amount of traffic and feedback I’ve been getting on my poetry and on my blog/ website. And for some reason it just inspires me to keep writing and sharing. Despite the terrible lows and hailing cries. Despite the unfollows and lost patrons. I am moving on. I go from barefoot to combat boots. I am both feminine and masculine. Soft and hard. Together and messy. Life is complicated. But I created my blog as a safe place to write. And I’ve even done monstrous things here but life goes on and I do not dwell. I’m evolving. Sometimes I turn into the monsters I am slaying. Hive mind. Even from the depths of hell, I can’t control all of me, all the time *gasp*. But I blame big Pharma and depression just as much as I do myself.

Sometimes I stop and commend myself for making it this far. For all the storms I’ve actually gone through, not just the internal ones, but the real ones. Sandstorms. Hurricanes. Unfit parents. Sexual, verbal, and physical abuse survivor. War. (I’d even throw childbirth in there and a rib tattoo, broken bones, sickness). STORMS. 🤓

I’ve got enough medals and awards from the military that I could fill an entire wall but nothing makes me happier than to see my blog hit FIFTY THOUSAND VIEWS. 50,000 visits to my little home on the web!!! 😍

I read through the WordPress FAQ some time ago to see if my own IP/visits are counted / included and THEY ARE NOT (though the do keep track of authors separately because you can have multiple authors on a single blog (which is why you can see yourself in the stats but if you go read the FAQ you will see that it clearly does not count towards your view/visit counts to your own blog!!

My blog has also been getting more follows too, the current tally is 834 blog followers and if I ever hit 1K I will squeal! I am a terrible blogger in that my depression and anxiety keeps me isolated, so I’m not social, but I put everything I have into the words I bring you. I’m genuine, I’m just emotionally unavailable. Maybe my soul is leaking from my pen and now you all have bits of me. I’m giving you all I have.

Your feedback and comments and support is a treasure surely and though I oft little share it in return, I am grateful for you. I’ll even protect you and take a bullet for you but hold your hand, no. Sometimes people ask me what my sexuality is or my nationality and I say vampirism. I walk the streets of hell alone, it is my duty. I cannot be sidetracked by lust and sins, be gone demons. I’ve had enough. Mine is tempered and sleeping this decade off because- Apophis 2029. I’m only interested in spiritual healing, positive energy, and mental growth. I’m dying. The end is painful but the environment must be peaceful, dig? I don’t want you in my foxhole. But near. Tell me of beauty and poetry. I’m entitled to die how I want. If they made assisted suicide legal, I’d be on that bandwagon in a heartbeat.

Depression is and can be TERMINAL. The methods for treating depression are barbaric. From foxholes to thorazine hazed padded rooms. Fuck you. My diary 2020. Bringing it to you live right now. This year so far, on top of this pandemic, I was nearly hospitalized without my permission, taken in the back of a cop car, to a hospital so my mental health could be evaluated before they decided if they were going to withhold me, for a minimum of one week (7 days), without my permission, without any way to escape, without my service dog, my phone, or even the clothes on my back. In fact, while I was waiting in a locked room, they removed all of my clothing and items and gave me a hospital gown. 4 hours later the doctor saw me and agreed I was fit enough to return home. Which was great because I had already pre-warned the cop that if I was separated from my dog I was about to turn into a criminal with a record… but also, recently as the shutdown was happening here in Florida, I got pulled over by three cops in 3 cop cars with their lights going for not doing a full stop at the sign. A tiny fraction of a rolling stop- 3 cops. And I nearly died of a heart-attack. And white privilege was definitely not rolling around in my head, more like fear, but it did help that I was a damsel in distress and (kind of cute but my dog is cuter), but I didn’t yell at the cops either, or give them any more reasons to come at me hostilly cuz they weren’t fucking around… anyhoo that was probably my 8th life out of 9 cat lives lived/used… my luck and time is running out. But also, lesson learned STAY HOME.

2020 has mostly been lows but the blog love has been a lifeboat, a lighthouse, and even a life jacket and I can breathe a little. There’s nothing worse than my freedom being threatened. But I’ve been responsible for it being threatened every time, my worst enemy is me.

Fuck defundung the police. How about giving back the rights to vote to voters who are back in society. Think about all the people in America who cannot vote because of the War on Drugs, marijuana is becoming legal in a lot of States, but there are still people behind bars for marijuana offenses. WRONG. FREE THE PEOPLE. FREE THE PLANT. STOP THE WAR ON DRUGS. WE NEED REFORM IN JAILS AND PRISONS. We need to give people back their right to vote!!! “But voting doesn’t make a difference” fuck you- IT DOES. Utilize your right to vote! Florida had on the ballot to give back prior criminals the right to vote and it passed and I was there voting on that issue, I voted yes, give them their rights back to vote, so luckily people who have gone to jail or prison over the War on Drugs at least in Florida now have the right to vote again, fucking use your voice, it works! And yes I know all about the NWO / New World Order Illuminati, I know they exist, but on a state-level voting helps.

Anyway, I’m not allowed to talk about politics or religion or even what kind of medications I’m allowed to put in my own body because I will literally lose followers and supporters… Someone out there right now is probably unfollowing me because I am pro mask and pro medicinal marijuana. Or pro-voter. I’ve lost followers for not being Christian enough. For vampire cosplay. For not being sexually available for their needs. For not giving them my precious energy or time. For showing my boobs. For not showing my boobs. I mean, all I have to do is wake the fuck up and I’ll lose a follower. Here, there, everywhere. It’s frustrating. It’s meant to hurt. It always does. And sometimes I even run off followers with a duststorm following behind. It’s regretful yes. I’ve even sent hatemail. UGGG. THE CROSS I CARRY. CURSED. Sometimes I know what caused the manic outbreaks. I’m just trying to get to a point in my life where I don’t react. Zen. I also get my Jeep paid off in October which will be my last car payment and that will bring me some financial freedom and I’ll be out of the financial apocalypse that I found myself in. Then I’m saving for a trip to the UK. VACA. TRAVEL. The thing I live for. MUSIC. BUSH. BANDS.

Thanks for reading my blog! For following! For liking and commenting! For re-blogging or sharing my work! For dealing with my anti-social behavior and mood swings. For forgiving me of my mistakes and still loving me when I make them because you see that I’ve put in effort to get better or change. For trying to listen and learn about depression. For allowing me to be completely transparent with you. For letting me decide things and then change my mind. For letting me experiment with who I am and what is art. For letting me share my sexuality without there being some form of sexual harassment that always follows. For letting me just be me and not having to give you anything in return (tid for tat). For liking me despite my flaws. For encouraging me to keep writing!! For reading my rhyme!!! There just aren’t many people who are into rhyming poetry or even that many rhyming poets left!! So I’m grateful for you! And I need so much space currently to write. I need the space to be a certain energy or vibe. I don’t have time or energy to piss away, I have so much left to say and so little mood or energy to do it!! Thanks for listening! THANKS FOR 50,000 VISITS TO MY BLOG. HOLY SHIT. I love you. 😍

Screenshot of my pinned tweet by the amazing actor, Val Kilmer who said he LOVED my handle (my Twitter name which is my pseudonym/pen name on the web and under which I write /publish poetry).

As a writer, it was cool to get a compliment about my pen from one of my favorite actors since I was 10 years old, and first saw him in the film Willow. Loved him in Batman, The Doors, and so many more movies!! I wish I could get my hands on some of Kilmer’s poetry. And I’m devastated I sold my first edition poetry book by Jim Morrison on Ebay but financial apocalypse… (it was either going to be an heirloom for my child or it was going to be loot in my tomb).

Link to Tweet: https://twitter.com/valkilmer/status/854383768030724096?s=19

I’m sorry the audio is out of synch with the video. I tried recording 20 times, 2 different devices, restarting device & internet, still not in sync. Accepted life is messy and not perfect. Edited and posted anyway for effort and because 50K!!
Amazed
50K!!! Edgar Allan Poe sends his regards 😆
I was up all night nearly patiently waiting for my blog to roll over to 50,000 views. This was 10 views away from 50K. And I missed 50,000, when it turned it was already at 50,003!! 🤓
If you’re bothered by a little bra showing, it’s Florida m’kay, nearly 100 degrees here… no filter. Thanks for 50K!!! I luv u!!!
My 50K smile 😆
I don’t have just a few freckles, in reality, I have more freckles on my body than existing galaxies…
For realz (just change ‘outing’ to ‘anything I said yes to’ instead)

If you enjoyed this post or enjoy this blog and would like to make a donation to support my creativity, you can donate to my PayPal here: https://www.paypal.me/deliaross

Or, if you dig my writing, and would like to support my on-going creativity, subscribe to my Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal

Keep up with me on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/poeeternal

I follow back on Twitter and you can follow me here: https://www.twitter.com/poeeternal

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600 Followers today, uhm I LOVE YOU

First off, WOW, my blog hit 600 followers today and I think that’s a big deal. Especially considering I don’t follow the blogging rules, I’m not a social butterfly, I’m wild and awkward, I haven’t participated in any of the blogger award nominations, I actually read your stuff (as opposed to just hitting like on a flood of your post), and my comments can seem cold and off-putting, or instigating a bit, sarcastic or uncaring. Yo, all I can say is I’m a war vet and dealing with stuffs, loads of stuffs, communication in this phase of my life is hard. But I’m out here still trying to share who I am with you and you’re following me, and like that warms up my icy heart. And sometimes you guys leave me comments that really sink deep into my soul. I’m grateful for that and for you. Honestly your support has kept me going through this depression, I’d be lost without you.

Thank you for finding value in me when facing my family and discovering how toxic they were and how little value they actually had of me, especially after getting out of the army after serving honorably for 15 years. I literally had no support. You guys have seen me get emo, falter, fall, get back up again. You’ve let me share my writings with you, even the ones I was scared to share, which encouraged me to keep writing and to keep sharing. The poems in which I thought wouldn’t have much impact actually had more impact on others than the ones that I thought would carry more weight. Some I write as agony bleeds from my pen, taking careful time and precision, others I freestyle as if it’s the last rhyme I’ll ever write. Time is absolutely irrelevant when it comes to the quality of my poetry.

It doesn’t matter if I take an hour or 5 Seconds, the inspiration flows out all the same. It’s just the ones that are always painstakingly hard to write, aren’t always the ones that get the most attention. The ones that I desperately want people to like aren’t always the ones that get the attention. Or, the size of poem. It matters not. I’ve even pushed myself to write 10 word micro-stories and poems, 25 word micro-poems and stories, and 50 word poetry and stories, and you guys have took to all of them really well! And to be honest, it feels great when my mini stories are well-received because they aren’t easy to write. And all my poetry or stories always have a moral to them. A climax. A decline. A theme. An ending. Purpose. I give words purpose. That’s what I do. And in 200 years it very well may be my legacy.

But now is all that matters. I don’t just write for me anymore, I write for you as well. And by that I mean, you inspire me to keep going, to keep pushing through depression, self-loathing, regrets, sorrow, isolation, suicidal ideations, excessive crying, public mood swings, insomnia, rage, confusion, hate, and even unrequited love. Underneath all that you still see a person worth following. Thank you for reals. I see you. I love you.

P.S. I’m aware a recent poem probably hit really hard but they’re just words, I don’t really hate him, I actually want the best for him and love him and I wish he would actually try to get better and truth is I’m just trying to hurt him the way he’s hurting me. I don’t even want him to be blocked and I wish we were following each other’s blogs & Insta’s again. But, I haven’t got past my own insecurities and seeing him flirt with other girls hurts me to the core, like the very center, which seems to radiate everywhere else in me. And lately the hurt has been flowing out like hot magma, but hopefully when the rage cools down, crust will form over the Earth, flowers will bloom again. Because, the hate doesn’t stop making me love him. Death won’t even do that…

P.S.S. A big shoutout to all my Patrons who are supporting this blog, I am utterly grateful for your encouragement and pledges, you have no idea! I so value your support and your feedback, as a writer it’s invaluable, and the privacy of it allows me to have a “safe place” to write and grow with you. But also, I really need the bread money and your support means I can keep writing on this blog and writing is so therapeutic! It also holds me accountable, and gives my life purpose and meaning. Something many veterans struggle with after returning to civilian life. And I really am trying to give you a lot of value for your money, thank you for believing in me! And for pledging! ❤ I’m getting sobby again. I cry over everything but at least this one is a good cry. 😄

The bigger number, the one nearing 4K, that’s WordPress counting my Twitter and Facebook followers (I don’t think Insta is included in that data but I could be wrong).

If you dig my writing, you can support this blog by becoming a VIP patron on my Patreon campaign (my goal is 25 patrons, we’re 6/25) 😍: https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal

Keep up with me on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/poeeternal/

I follow back on Twitter and you can follow me here: https://www.twitter.com/poeeternal

Listen to me on Tuners Radio: https://tuners.io/users/POEETERNAL

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Top 9 Post of 2019 on Instagram!

Hi! Just a quick message to let you know I’ve shared my top 9 posts of 2019, as loved by you, on my Instagram, in my Instagram story, if you’d like a chance to see them! They definitely were highlights of the year, if not my life!!! I’m glad they made my top 9, although one was certainly shocking. You can check out my Instagram here, and I’ve highlighted the story, so it should remain in a thread after the story ends in 24 hours. The story can be accessed where my avatar is, if you are unfamiliar with how Insta stories work. Thanks for all the love y’all in 2019! If you’d like to be part of it for 2020, come give me a follow, no pressure though!

Hit me up: instagram.com/poeeternal/

Visit my Instagram to see my top 9 post of the year as loved by you!
Posted on by poeeternal · 2 Comments

Love & Thanks

Thank you so much for making 2019 an incredible year for writing. I know there have been bumps and bruises, as such with life, but I am grateful for your visits, for your follows, for your feedback, and for you encouraging me to continue writing! Back in January this year my blog was at 5K, and my goal was to try to get to 10K by the end of the year! My blog just hit 35,000 visits, I am astound! Goal achieved and surpassed! My blog is also nearing over 14,000 visitors, that’s incredible! It still amazes me that I have people that visit my blog and read my poetry!! THANK YOU for giving my life meaning! I have grown as a person so much this year! I am still reflecting back on all the ups and downs and renewing my energy for 2020. I hope to see you in the new year. I wish you all the very best! Happy holidays! xxoo @POEETERNAL

P.S. I am on Instagram and Twitter under my pen POEETERNAL if you’d like to give me a follow. It’s pretty much the only social media networks I regularly visit. Though I am still a ghost on other platforms, I rarely use them.

Thank you for over 35,000 visits to my blog!!!
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35K Oh My!

Sometime in January of this year I realized my blog was at 5k and it struck a fire in me to start writing more. I figured it would take until the end of the year to even reach 10K but that was my new goal for the year. Writing is therapeutic for me and so I started nurturing my blog by writing more, and nearly on a daily basis this entire year. I kept writing because you kept reading. And here we are now and my blog is a few hundred hits away from 35,000 worldwide views. Incredible. Having 10K visits to my blog is such an achievement for me and for someone who writes poetry which is a hard field to get noticed in. Just ask Edgar Allan Poe. I am grateful for my readers. I can’t make any promises on what 2020 will bring, but I can say you made my 2019 very fulfilling. And even though there have been a few bumps along the way, I hope to go into 2020 with an open heart. And so if I have wronged you, I ask for your forgiveness. And if you have wronged me, I forgive you. Happy holidays and Friday the 13th and last Full Moon of the year. Sending you positive energy, and good vibes along the wire. I love all of yous.

Friday the 13th means pizza, chips, soda and free movie on Vudu kind of day…
But it’s also a full moon and I feel like dancing…
Which I’m definitely going to need to do after eating a large cheese pizza, no judgment
xoxo
I hope there are no hard feelings, I am learning to “let go”.
“My enemies are turning into my teachers”
All my love, always xxx
Posted on by poeeternal · 7 Comments

Likes and Comments

Regarding likes and comments, I will never like a post unless I’ve actually read it. I would comment more but I am weird and have a difficult time fitting in due to anxiety. Please take the time to read something I post if you’re going to hit the like button. I feel like bloggers are hitting like without reading, just so they can get likes in return. Tid for tat. But it’s heartbreaking to spill my words on these pages for free for you and you don’t even take the time to read the content, you’re just coming along giving my post a ton of likes and you’re not making any effort to listen to anything I do. It makes me want to isolate even more.

If I leave you two or three words under a post you’ve made, you should appreciate that just as much as someone who’s giving you an entire paragraph, you don’t know how hard it was for me to even reach out to you to start with.

All I’m asking is for you to please take the time to read a post before you “like it”, the same respect and courtesy I give to you, your writings, your blog, your time. I read you, I see you. Please see me. I’ve been used and ghosted enough. ✌

xxoo POEETERNAL (Delia)

Posted on by poeeternal · 6 Comments

OOPS (Blog boo boos again)

I am inadvertently unfollowing accounts that I don’t want to unfollow when I’m trying to unfollow multiple accounts that I do not interact with or whom do not interact with me. When I first opened up my account, I was following any Tom, Dick and Harry, or suggestions recommended to me and I’m trying to clean up my feed so I can interact with the people I DO want to interact with more. I suffered a brain injury while in the Army, so when I accidentally unfollow accounts, I can’t always remember your Blog name, and most of you do not have your actual blog link in your Gravatar profile and so I can’t find you. Sometimes I’m aware of the mistake right away and sometimes I don’t realize it until days later when I’m like ‘why the fuck aren’t you posting and in my feed’. Then I have to go on a hunt to find a post where you commented or something. I still have around 300 accounts I need to unfollow so these boo-boos might happen again.

Please don’t let me go days without you, if you’ve noticed I’ve unfollowed you and it doesn’t seem normal can you at least shoot me a comment or something? Just say “hey, did you mean to unfollow” or something and I’ll correct it right away! If I unfollowed you and you have any kind of negative reaction about it, please message me, because it was more than likely a mistake. And it’s already happened a few times to accounts I didn’t want to unfollow. And so all that lingering confusion and doubt was festering. Just shoot me a message or comment! Uh oh’s happen, I come with mistakes.

Nosferatu (selfie)
Posted on by poeeternal · 21 Comments

Comment Threading

I disabled the comment threading and sorted it by oldest first so now comments should be really easy to post and to read! I couldn’t stand that comment threading bullshit. And to other bloggers who use comment threading, I recommend you disabling it because it’s a pain in the ass just trying to read or respond to your blog post. It took me all of 30 seconds in the settings to sort it. If you need helps, let me know. It’s totally okay to ask me for help.

Also if you come at me with a metaphorical gun, I’m locked and loaded with a metaphorical fucking grenade launcher and basic training in the Army taught me how to use a real one! You might want to think twice about picking a fight with me. I have NO FEELINGS.

P.S. I’m actually one of the sweetest people you can ever meet, just don’t tread on me!

I BITE
FALLEN ANGEL, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Yeps
And if you don’t like me, GOOD. GO THE FUCK AWAY
My response when someone doesn’t like me
Back when I hads a cute cut!!! NO FILTER
I ain’t got no time for hoes or bitches, and yes that is a whip in my hand but also no makeups so go easy on me (and fangs of course, again I BITE)
I KNOW MY FUCKING WORTH, DO YOU!?!
NARCISSISM
And I know I have the body and mind of a 15 year old; you don’t have to be a dick about it… and this photo is CURRENT as of the other fucking day
Oh my heart, thank you for looking at me with worth every time and never taking your eyes from me when I’m around. And this here photo was from my birthday in August. These boys keep hurting me and Gavin keeps healing me. And so, peeps are making me feel worthless again and so I needed a reminder. This is Gavin Rossdale of Bush and he saved my life. And still is. Cuz look at how he sees me. Blurry, I care nots. Am loved.

You are fabulous! Thank you for visiting my blog and reading my words! Thanks for your likes, comments or shares! Thank you for returning to read more! Thank you for following me if you are! I am grateful for each and every one of you no matter where you are in the world! It means so much to me that you take the time to read my poetry.

Here is a quick thank you video because I wanted to be able to tell you verbally how much it means! You also get a chance to meet me very briefly.  Direct link to my thank you video is here: https://youtu.be/IcNLKgwjL_U

12,000 visits!!! I LOVE YOU!!! MORE WORDS COMING!!

p.s. I’m aware this should have probably been completed at 10k but I am always late to the party! =)

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Gratitude

I am so grateful for all the traffic that my website has been receiving. It is a great honor to be able to share my words with you and that you keep coming back to read more. As such, and as a thank you, I will be releasing my epic poem in three parts, which previously could only be found in my published book. It is some of my most complex writing to date, and if I were to have a favorite, this would be it. In celebration of over 6,000 visits on my blog, I am giving it to you. I always envisioned it to be turned into a play or short film (or both). So to the actors and visionaries out there, and lovers of all things poetry, perhaps too you should one day want the same (even if I’m no longer here). It is my legacy, my words. Edgar Allan Poe died unknown. And I’ve got visitors from all over the world, so thank you dear reader, from the very center of my soul, for your visits. Stay tuned, My Son Parts 1, 2 & 3 are coming, again as a thank you. And I very much hope you will fall prey to the story, as certainly I did writing it.