Sad Empty Pathetic Lives

One from my private vault, and from two years ago (April 2017). Completely raw and untouched for April Poetry Month.

sad empty pathetic lives… what reruns they are

he’ll never have my love or respect again. he’ll never have my forgiveness and he’s never going to be worthy of my friendship.
but now, to get up and move again… i need to mend.

sometime in the years end
i need to mend
sometime in the years end
i’ll need a friend

you said you would never hurt me again
a weight off my shoulders
yet seven feet in…

sometime in the years end
i need to mend
sometime in the years end
i’ll cry again

behind those large blue eyes
a monster lurks
never a day that ends-
always at work

he said he would never hurt me again
he said he would never

i hate you
and no amount of time
will ever change that

you know what you are,
you know what you did
how would you think
i’d not wish you dead
how did you think
i’d not wish you dead

i need silence inside my head
but there’s violence inside your bed
how did you think i’d not wish you dead

sad empty pathetic lives… what monsters they are

lurking and lusting and
draining souls
i will never relinquish control
i was head deep in
before i could swim
i’m learning how to live again
i’m learning how to live

oh for a brief moment you made me believe
in a fairytale

(but you’re really a monster from hell, tell tell)

oh ye sloth
you were treated like a king
even out of cloth
and lying on your knee

one or two or a thousand
how many hearts now bleed?

i didn’t want to be her, i plead
but you’re still not listening
you have no heart, you see

oh, and good luck on the baby

what hurts most of all, i believed you
and the thing that hurts most is, you knew all along
you knew

this is cruel deception
you are evil incarnate
the dead, risen again
he has no soul

(might as well call me a widow, i’m mourning my soul
the death of my heart)

nocturnal mourning

every morning

i should have seen
all the warnings

hating you is the only way to get through, it’s the only way i will survive. but is it wrong to hate a monster?

Update

Hey guys!! I’m sorry if I haven’t been as active lately, not just with posting my own content but with communicating and doing peer reviews with other bloggers. I’ve had a lot going on both in my personal life and professional. I am also trying to beat a nasty illness called depression and sometimes it gets the best of me despite every effort for it not to. I am growing and deteriorating as a person on a daily basis. I can’t seem to slow the process either. I hope you stick around, and if I haven’t been as active with you lately, PLEASE DO NOT take it personally. I am trying to live my best life, without so much suffering involved like it has been the last FORTY years. People make life hard, PEOPLE. Please be kind out there, too much suffering. Just a couple weeks ago an 18 year old kid JUMPED from the I95 overpass bridge, one I had thought of driving off of several times. I was in the traffic when it happened. He was 18. I can’t even type this without tearing up. In fact, driving home yesterday and going over that spot again I started crying. It has hit me so hard and I didn’t even know him. But you don’t have to know someone to love or care for them. WE’RE ALL HUMAN, NO MATTER THE COLOR OF OUR SKIN. Actually, we’re animals just like other animals. Some have evolved more than others clearly. We’re all connected, EVERYTHING. Ever wonder why our tears taste of the ocean? xxoo

Lies

It doesn’t stop the ache
At night when I’m awake

Or morning’s when I’m broken
And words are barely spoken

My eyes will say I’m fine
Even if I’m on decline

You’ll never see me crying
But now you know I’m lying

Ingredients for Ruin

Pulled straight out from the mire
One sweet heart now gone sour
Leave it to cower for an hour
Diminish the balance of power
Make it feel your fire
Left unattended it should expire

Lines

I never know when it is that I’ll cross a line
Between each state, my next mistake, or maybe when I rhyme
It’s guaranteed, I will succeed, it shouldn’t take much time
I’ve been practicing since I was young like I’m meeting a deadline
Some would even say that I was born without a spine
It’s difficult to receive help even if I hold a sign
If given any choice they’d likely toss me with the swine
Do they know it’s not the mud from which I begrime

Emotional Cargo

I wish I didn’t know what it is that I know
I’d stop myself from going down a path I never grow
Then I’d never sneer when I see an old photo
I’d never ever wonder who I’d be without the woe

I wish I didn’t know what it is that I know
I’d stop myself from packing all of this emotional cargo
I seem to carry it with me no matter where it is I go
I’d gladly give it to you but there’s no place left to stow

HEADCASE

Mostly clear with periodic downfalls
You can reach out but I’m ignoring most calls
If you drop by might find me clawing the halls
I’d communicate but my voice it just stalls
I don’t want to go out or browsing the malls
Just say goodbye, it’s better to avoid any pitfalls

Rejection

Tired of dudes hitting on me and then rejecting me
Most of them probably need a vasectomy
They shouldn’t make children no matter the necessity
I’m over you and that’s a guarantee

UNAVAILABLE

I’ll never be available to you in any capacity
The feeling is mutual, I’ll fuck off rapidly
Tired of being shamed for my hospitality
You’ll never have my adoration and that is reality

Tomb

She laid down her head on top of his tomb
It’ll quickly be over, it’ll be over soon
She’d been planning for days, it’ll happen by noon
Finally time for a nap, resting below is her groom

RSVP Declined

Why send an invitation if it’ll just be declined
I want to be seen but I stand with the blind
Every rejection makes me more aligned
I still look confused though I’ve made up my mind
You warned you were bad but you are the worst kind

Oh teacher, oh teacher why’d you leave me blue
Another desertion what more can I do
We barely had started but now we are through
I may have been late but I can’t outrun you
Give me the full movie not just the preview

Sad Parade

I can think of better things to do than to march in a sad parade
They wanted to demote me and give me a lower grade
Slow it down they said, you ain’t working to get paid
Your life doesn’t concern me, you’ll be charged if you complain

DEPRESSED 101

My depression is working overtime and charging me extra. Can’t bribe him with a day off no matter the weather. Told him to get moving but he dropped the anchor. This lake is filled with tears and I ain’t getting better. I put it in a memorandum and even wrote it in a letter. He just laughed at me, shouted, and gave the middle finger. The only way I can quiet him is with some liquor. He follows me every year but here’s the kicker.
He mirrors me and worries me and is in every picture. The funny thing, the longer he dreams, the less I remember.

Love Story

It’s a love story from the dead to the dead
Rotating cyclones of he said, she said
It isn’t what I meant here’s what I mean instead
Constantly sending each other gifts of dread
You wanted to be heard, now your face is turning red

But I’m sorry, you’re sorry, it’s all we ever had
Now we’re feeling worse, we are always feeling bad
Our circles quickly dropping unless we stopped trying to add
Try to greet you all and you respond like you are mad
I’m certain all I wanted was for us feeling a tad less sad

Actions and words never meeting in the middle
And every single wound leaves us all so very brittle
Consequences come at you hard to read like a riddle
But everyone thinks they know how to love just a little
You swear it isn’t you but here it comes another missile

I swear we’re all in hell it doesn’t take a degree
You’re always on the run, you barely ever take a knee
I know I’m paranoid the devil’s always after me
Blinding us with hate or lust I can’t convince you all to see
I’m just curious if any of you really do feel free

You build these walls and cages but who do they protect
You haven’t convinced me that your life is so perfect
I wonder if any of you clearly understand yet
It’s doubtful though so I’m passing on this bet
I’ll try again and maybe this time I will be more direct

Okay another verse, perhaps a message you can understand
None of this can work if we don’t give a helping hand
I live here, you live there, we all share this land
Love is not something to hoard, set it free unmanned
Love it knows the way so let it lead our command

Heart Failure

All my plans haven’t gone away
They’ve really just been delayed

People they fret I can’t explain
They all just sort of strayed

It’s not my style to beg or plead
I sometimes require aid

They all want something from me
I have nothing for trade

Many years spent on this journey
Every direction came a grenade

You tell a different story
That isn’t the life that you portrayed

Why do you get all the glory
While I’m prisoner in this stockade

No need for you to hurry
My heart rotted and decayed

Love Is

Love is-
Leading them to an empty well
Deserting us someplace in hell

Love is-
Building them up before they fall
You never loved any ever at all

Love is-
Demanding devotion eternal to you
Lying no matter what you have to do

Love is-
Tainting everything you touch
I really never loved you much

Permanent Winter

She owed them a pretty picture
Her soul was pretty injured
She sold it but never got richer
She kept it hid under a fancy fixture
The ones who buy it always get triggered
Pointing at you with their middle finger
Too far away you can’t hear them whisper
The season there is a permanent winter
With a sign that reads “winner winner”
You’ve been fed that lie since you were a beginner

Invisibility

Both of us lost what neither could win
Choosing to struggle over complying
But I guess you know best, why else were you spying
Maybe after her you simply gave up ever trying
Some may live close but they aren’t as gratifying
The effects won’t last long, about as quick as when you’re flying
You know I’m always right, there’s never need for clarifying
In these words I fight because you’re so electrifying
I need for you tonight to realize that I’m dying
To die never loved it sounds so very terrifying
I’m leaving this for you it’s why I’m always writing
You already live a beautiful life, it’s why I’m never prying
It’s a bit unfair, I’m invisible, you’ll never catch me crying

Community Chest

Conversations you’d rather have with somebody else
Written so many lines there’s none even left
I wish this pain could be stored on a shelf
Left with a label for another to regret
No expiry date, no value for theft
Just a community chest for the depressed

Cross Your Mind

Crossed our wires, wrong hands for hire
and now they’re blaming me

Shooting blanks and loading tanks
with riots in the street

I’d rather bid my precious hours
where two lovers greet

And if it seems it’s worth my time,
perhaps I’ll move my feet

Into the light, we sail tonight
I brought for us a treat

You’re feeling sour, my mood can tower
it’s best that we shall meet

I promise skies, and never lies
we can be discrete

You can’t deny, I’m on your mind
I think that’s pretty neat

Just a Number

Congrats, you make me feel just like a number
Can’t hear my voice for the crowd and thunder
It’s time I put my soul to slumber
Touching me must have been a blunder
Would you even notice if I fell under
My dreams of you are full of wonder
My heart it aches being just a number

Never Thought

She never thought she could again feel
Her heart was paralyzed with fear
His words weighed heavy & cut through steel
Wounds so deep one had to kneel
It never seemed the wounds would heal
The lessons never appeared clear
Just gashing pain brought from his spear
The crowd behind him full of cheer
Lashing out at you every year
She must hate him a great deal

Sheepskin

Falling, falling, falling again
Into another vortex I spin
Down, down, down I’ve been
So far below there’s no light within
The pressure it builds & rattles my skin
It’s like a daily battle I’m in
The system is built for it to win
Remember the enemy is in sheepskin

Love & Whiskey

I grew up on Tennessee whiskey

Tequila Sunrise, Bloody Mary, Long Island Iced Tea, daiquiris

I’ll have love on the rocks please

Shadows

I would never take the spotlight from you
I will follow your shadow, I already do
If you fall behind, I’ll a clear path to get through
No obstructions shall impede your view
In your honor, I’d erect a statue
That’s probably something you already knew
A shadow always exposes what’s true
Just look how long my shadow grew

One from my private vault, and from two years ago (April 2017). Completely raw and untouched for April Poetry Month.

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