Could go either way
Get another day today
Sweating. Don’t stink. Seems like a win today. Thank you, goodbye
Charlie was adopted
Meet Charlie
Had to put him in a second box cuz he chewed thru his first despite adding bedding, treats, and some food.
Charlie is my new best friend and has not once tried to bite.
He did flip over playing dead a couple times briefly and I was like “I didn’t mean to startle you” and he would just sniff my hand and go back to chewing thru the box
Eventually he did escape, I looked down and he was in the buggy
I was like, “Charlie!!!” “that’s not safe”
And he let me pick him up and snuggle him
He made it home safely and started exploring his living room den
He had water, he relocated his entire bowl of food under his den, where he also moved some straw as well as took breaks to eat the straw, before moving strands to the basement zone
Now Charlie is resting under the den and he has not even seen his bedroom double layer mansion – he’s already worked so hard
The mansion in the box…
I have insomnia so I got a nocturnal creature
Makes total sense
But I fell in-love with Charlie even tho I was going in for a mini newborn Black Bear hamster
I got a 14 month adult Teddy Bear hamster instead
I knew upon our afternoon meeting yesterday, while you were stuffing your greedy little face, that you were the one
I also bought you the exact shit you like plus shit you ain’t never tried
I think your basement needs more but also I gotta install your toilet in the mansion
That’s right, your mansion comes with its own bathroom
And the two-story mansion + roof with tunnel – is in my bedroom
So you can keep me up all night stirring
And we can sleep during the day like vampires since I can’t do much anything else
Charlie was the first to say hi
And I was okay with getting an adult
Charlie needed a home and was ready to go
Like we only got one life
Charlie was ready for his purpose even if I am dying…
Many videos were uploaded on the TikTok if you wanna see him exploring his new environment
To be adopted…
On the wait list
Met today
Was showing off…
(Also have a newborn black bear on hold but I wasn’t planning on getting two)
Of course – it may not be the BEST IDEA to take on a little creature in my condition but
I’ve been wanting to adopt a hamster for months
Some pet adoption agencies also have adult hamsters but i’m going the petstore route
Went in for a black bear but this little guy won my heart
He also has a sister but they cannot be adopted together because he would hurt her
And I almost want her instead
It’s almost like she knew I was taking her brother and she also liked my bb voice so she came out and was very shy but made herself noticable
They had dividers up for the bro/sis cuz they are mating age
The black bears are newborn
One kept running ontop of the other so I said they should prob be adopted together
All 3 black bear were still together
But I drove home and considered thangs
Called the store
They have the male sable and 1 black bear hamster on hold
I don’t know if I should get 1 let alone two
The sister….
She’s up for adoption (not on hold)
I’d take them all if I could
But I barely can take care of myself?
But it made me feel alive – the thought of having a little friend
That will live 2-4 years
So if I did die the Godfather would not need to care for the little creature long?
I don’t have a godmother yet
So you gotta be the baby daddy
Sorry not sorry
Leaving the hamster/s to you in the will
I’m not well and I told my dog I would never get another dog again
Probably
This den is good for two even tho I may get one but probably should get none
Kaya said to get a rabbit. Rabbits are great but prob not allowed.
A hamster is what I have been pondering for too long.
I may only have 2-4 years left so I need to act now.
Even the act of getting out was trying
I mean some places do deliver live animals
I’m sleeping on the decision has been made
I may name him Charlie and if I do get a mini black bear he’s prob gonna be named Black Bear
“This is Black Bear”
“He’s a black bear hamster”
He’s pretty special already
But I can get a she black bear cuz they ain’t siblings m’kay
She might be a she but he is a he (the sable hamster)
U DIG?
Meet Charlie? He’s on hold to be adopted (by me)
Day 3
MY FEET AREN’T SWOLLEN
But went to bed at dinner with a migraine and had to set the air to Antartica winds
The brain is on fire
And the full moon must be coming/here cuz I’m getting bruised (like clockwork)
Need a rubber room (only I been in those plenty of times and even held down and shot up with thorazine) (i was just a baby) (just a teen)
(These Boomers are the problem not me)
(Hope this helps)
I aged 20 years overnight
This is why I’m not allowed to open up social media first thing in the morning…
But I mean I did…. open pandora’s box
I know you already know cuz the sky is burning
I wonder how many souls are burning in the sun
Isn’t that where we come from?
I got in trouble for sharing my pigtails? Cuz I’m the only one not allowed to be in a swimsuit or showing any skin? My video is in apeel – APPEAL
Meanwhile, Sports Illustrated popped up on my feed, and they got blocked immediately
Rules for me, not thee
TIRED TIRED TIRED OF THE PENALTIES
I’D RATHER STARE AT THE SUN UNTIL I GO BLIND
Wait….
My pigtails make me look 20
But my personality makes it like I never grew up
The wrinkles are a minor inconvenience
You can see through time
Over 20 years has passed since I wrote you a love letter and I’m still dreaming about kissing you
I think that matters more than the hair loss personally
And I know he’s getting older too
He finally recognized I ain’t that much older than him
AND I HATE WHEN HE POINTS IT OUT
Yeah so what? I fell from the heaven’s before you. I’m high-speed.
Had to get a running start tis all…
Stop being so pedofile
Go buy me some chocolate and pads
I feel that thang coming on…
AND I GOT A PENALTY FOR RESPONDING TO SOMEONE BY SAYING “GROSS”
YOU MAKE ME HATE YOUUUUUUUU
Anyhoo I like the guy who doesn’t write me poetry
And that one I never met
The one at the local shop
Maybe the one driving the Teslar?
Now I’m starting to think the Devil is God
No not a God
The one and only God
And God God is down here on earth <potentially> with imposter syndrome?
Which is ironic since he diagnosis people with imposter syndrome?
It’s a lot to take on
Like a Soldier realizing all the wars are manufactured
We all struggle with purpose
I interrupted a guy having a convo with his technician, I just had to add my two cents, and now his phone number is in my wallet?
But I’m too sick to call?
And by the time I do it’ll be too late?
So why bother at all?
My time is as valuable as his time
My reasons, my health
But to HIM, the one who has built a world of lines where him and I reside, we’re in that world and this one simultaneously; two places at once.
Just sorted that.
He knows how much I like black holes
*hi*
(I don’t believe in them btw, hope this helps)
(Heyyyy I was denouncing evolution in 8th grade)
I said the Big Bang wasn’t real in 2nd grade
I was 5 denouncing the distance of the sun
“How do you know it is so far away”
“We shone a light on the wall”
“So you ain’t never been”
*feels the sun burning me”
“How many miles”
“89 million”
“Yeah that’s too far”
“It’s right there….”
LOCALLY
My feet aren’t swollen after two doses 🥹
Go to the animal feed if that is what you need
Just do it
Prob be cheaper anyway…
Your insurance won’t cover it (and I am a vet)
LAUGHS IN INSANITY
DO LOVE YOU TODAY
Hair loss & TikTok won’t post this…
TikTok won’t let me share a video of my current hair vs a cute photo in pigtails and i’m so over it… HONESTLY
The video…
I did NOT share these but here
The pigtails are missed
I’m sorry if someone paid for this? Want your money back?
I mean thank you but you got the full set right? What the others do not have nor will ever see?
You still have that photo I texted you holding that thing we will never discuss again?
I don’t owe you anything
I’ll post what I want
DYING
Blue pill, Neo
And I’ll show you how deep it goes…
Wish me luck…
Red pill or blue?
Green?
Heyyy that’s not blue… (or red)
Soul kitchen
Him: “i wouldn’t eat at your table…”
Except, I don’t remember inviting you!?!
It may be a big pot but it’s a meal for one 👀
Psst… it ain’t done yet. It takes about a decade to make this meal. But I always make it different and so I call it “witches stew”. Stew because I leave the veggies whole or chunky.
It smells like it will devour your soul (in a good way).
It’s also spicy.
Every bite tells the cancer devil FUCK YOU
Lots of crucifers in the meal
Get yer water ready honey
You ain’t seen sweating yet…
Babbler dabbler
I dunno what you’re waiting on
Hell to come?
I have arrived
Sat down outside
With pen in hand
But I’m out of ink?
But these walls know what I think?
Like considering heaven
And the events to get me there then?
It’s far from happening
Though death is companying
Like an uninvited guest at my deathbed
I wanted you instead?
Your words? Your calls?
My phone a friend?
Whom I can but can’t depend?
Us against them? Gone yet united?
The system? The stranger you’re lying with?
Oh you know their name?
Cool but I’m no longer hiding that I have gone insane?
Maybe only temporary?
Can’t take this to the pearly gates
I’m expressing all my rage
But I’m innocent
The midnight moon glowing
The avalanche down the mountain flowing
Honestly, might be where I’m going?
Since the mountains are the only ones who are calling!!!
And hell froze over on me
In the hottest parts of the city
I was like wait a minute, “it is snowing”
So that’s my reality
And the neighbors building melting snowmen
While my rage is burning within
Yelling at the therapist, “I don’t like the sound of voices… except his”
“Yours is okay, I actually admitted this”!?!
Like I can handle a “handful”
But not in succession
“I quit group confession”
But I really need a priest?
My new doctor thinks she can fix what is inside of me?
INFORMED CONSENT
I’m ready to try it
Left the doc a message “I’m pretty sick”
Just got off the phone with a pharmacist
But as far as my medicinal “I ain’t gotta quit”
Thank fuck
About to take a hit
(Just hopepray this ain’t the culprit)
Cuz coconut ain’t on the foods to eat
And I ate a bit….
🙂
They dilated my eyes this morning cuz i had my lookers examined – and at first it was without my glasses on – they are using a new method with a mirror and computer screen laser and I could see fuck all. She kept turning nobs “and now” and the panic set it “not like anything at all” and she did not realize my glasses were corrective (she thought just readers) and the instant relief we both had and the laughter coming from the room “i can see the smallest lines”
I ain’t blind
I mean, without glasses, I can see there’s a sign but I couldn’t tell you the name of the road
“You go a couple miles til you see Big Lots, now if you get to the Circle K you’ve gone too far”
And while you over there swing by the drive thru Little Caesar’s and get me one of them $10 stuffed crust
(Only they ain’t ten in my city, a couple more)
And I was at the grill at the VA today ordering 3 scrambled brown eggs
“You got any vegan turkey bacon or sausage”
“We got some Turkey bacon but it ain’t vegan”
“My doc says I can’t have no meat currently but some of us can’t be no vegetarian”
And an echo of “amen” “i hear that”
But I only got the toast and eggs
Wish I had got SIX SCRAMBLED
Next time double
I might be little but I got a big appetite
Greedy lil thang
It’s annoying how much I gotta eat to constantly be losing weight
But while being very sick I ordered Chipotle (not pizza) to get a salad and they had NO CHICKEN which I suddenly hate the taste of chicken?
So I got the beef
My body absorbed it
It said FUCK YEAH
Cuz I really needed some meat and I refuse pork but they were out of chicken and I hate chicken?
So to me the universe directed me to the “all beef”
The cow is in heaven now and my tummy
I will not make a habit tho
I’ve gone MONTHS without beef eating only chicken and then no meat for several weeks and almost died
You come cook the lentil meatloaf
I’m DYING
I need SOUP
My VEGAN SOUP
so that is my goal
Back to my homemade soups!
I thrive on vegan soup, spring water, and cashews.
Back to the basics for me
And oatmeal IS on the foods I can eat
Thank GOD
I literally cried cuz she said “no cereal” but to me oatmeal is cereal
The good oatmeal with berries im allowed
–
And I love eating eggs again?
I thought I hated eggs but now I will inhale them
Just eggs
No salt, no pepper
Scrambled. Grill. Buttered toast (i dunno if the toast is allowed) (please give me one piece of toast)
THANK YOU
(Claim the grits too) (Even tho they ain’t allowed)
There’s no benefits to corn
CABBAGE ON THE GOOD LIST THO
(I made a spicy vegan taco with cabbage – don’t overcook the cab) – it was fab)
P.S. i told the psych doc i did not need any help euthanizing myself if/when the time comes (if) and he upped my meds…. FYI
And I have to see him again in 3 weeks…
The truth is, I prob would need your help cuz I wouldn’t wanna burn in hell for all eternity
God would forgive you potentially
This isn’t an invite
You just need to prepare
In case
“Too analytical” but how the fuck else would you crunch the kinda numbers you do?
I math in my own way
You know I see things you don’t
And you understand the thing I see
Most days I’m sorting out which timeline I am in
(Is this why you don’t call)
(please don’t call)
It’s better if we write?
Getting new eyes. These were my choices. I was allowed 3 frames. 1 for reading, 1 tinted for driving, and one for day. Any extras I had to pay. So took the freebies. Cuz Ivermetin cost me $180 alone woot woot (but she thinks it’s gonna sort me)
Need the good prays
They do sell ray-bans but those ain’t free lol
I do like the 3 new frames incoming tho (the clear will be my readers, the purple/black the tint, and the cute feminine pair on top is for my dailyware
She said they made me look ten years younger 🙂
We’ll see 🙂
I also still have no computer cuz at war with big bro?
They dilated my eyes and I had to drive home in a big storm
…even the grey light was blinding
And I hope to get back to rhyming 🙂
More future updates/notes in rhyme mode?
Practice makes the perfects worse I swear
Pssst… waiting on a story from you
I wanna share my story ideas
Rough drafts
Maybe I’m afraid you’ll know how much I’m twisted?
These days, the script is written, no point in keeping it hidden? 🙂
“She’s a little kuku? But she’s harmless” “for now”
“..i wouldn’t go testing the waters or nothing”
“…the Army trained her you know…”
“Uncle Sam’s fault she’s that way”
“She’s like a gremlin”
“Just don’t feed her after midnight…”
I told the pill doc I had no prob euthanizing myself – i can be approved in Canada – when is the VA offering it
And he upped my meds…
Told him I be crying randomly in public or at home doing anything
I blamed my period
I told him I feel so much rage sometimes
Like a devil is inside of me
“But I know I am me”
“All 12 versions of me know I am me”
Vaccine injury update
It’s very rare to find a woke doc inside the VA but i’ve done did
And this is HUGE
the fact that it is in my records officially as a vaccine injury – despite the informed consent and non-traditional forms of treatment
And my new doctor has forbidden me to eat any meat or dairy (this should please the vegan?)
I’m not allowed – furthermore – she removed me from my protein shake regime that the nutritionist had put me on – it has carriage in it or something (I’m not correcting the AI)
(More info I was given about my vaccine injury)
She was waving a book around, “i can’t get the VA on board, it’s not FDA approved, but you won’t need to go to the feed store”
And of course, I’ll have to pay out of pocket for the treatments
I won’t repeat everything said but it makes us sound super paranoid – but she unplugged from the Matrix
I specifically asked do I need to give up my medicinal and she said no
New treatment plan
She stated the international markets are okay to shop at, she specifically mentioned “black rice”
And now I’m wondering if I’ve ever even had black rice?
But you know, Walmart tried to kill me while I was paying for a membership
And it’s not hearsay because they sent me two emails telling me I was potentially exposed to E. coli and heavy metals
But to finally get someone inside, the VA to ACKNOWLEDGE and treat me for vaccine injury is huge, she also mentioned cancer
She doesn’t want it turning into cancer
I’m still losing weight but my labs look good, my kidneys, my liver
I’m on 10% energy – vaccine injury
(it is a side effect) (i’m not lazy)
I gotta give up the meat and the cheese, but I can keep the weed (legally)
no processed foods and I gotta go back in a few months. I didn’t see any mention of coffee on the list so we’re gonna have to have that discussion soon because I need to know, can I have coffee still?
Important stuffs
Anyway, I’m not in remission yet but my doctor has hooked me up with a connect that’s gonna get me ivermectin and I don’t gotta go to the feed store.
There’s also the long list from Amazon that I need to shop
Once I get my hands on the goods, and we’re looking roughly $300+ to start, and that’s not counting the grocery shopping for “the good food items”
Bananas are best when they’ve gone bad (you know when they’re mushy) that’s when they’re highest in whatever it was she said that was in there that I need (fiber?)
And I’m absolutely not allowed to do any more amoxicillin, she says that destroys my gut health
Cuz I broke out in a rash from the 2000mg that the dentist gave me
And had a two day migraine
She said cereal is bad
I’m not allowed cereal
I gotta get my diet under control if I don’t wanna die
(In summary: i don’t wanna die)
Oh you stayed?
From right now – no filter (but I swear they apply some sort of ugly filter when you don’t use a filter at all to try to force you to use a filter instead, but then I look in the mirror and I think it’s worse)
Ack
I’m going to a salon soon and I’m gonna see if they can remove some of these sunspots from my face and wrinkles (how much does Botox cost? Should I get a breast implant? Should I just pay off my ride?)
Byeee for now (and I really really really wanna catch up on y’all’s blogs. I really do. I really wanna go for a walk around the neighborhood. There’s so much I would like to be able to do and I just can’t?)
And I’m not autistic so you can let him know I’m not autistic but I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 16
(I talk to dead people) (don’t tell him)
GA DANG I LUV MY RIDE
WHOSE CALLING SHOTGUN?
GET IN
WE ROLLIN’ OUT
Intermission
Stop laying on the floor
Covered in your own blood
Guess the gun didn’t jam
Get up, give a damn
Maybe stick around
The way I haunt you
Eons not enough to
So what? we’re dying
You gotta push through
Nine seven three
Who the fuck is counting
Get up off the ground
Or take an intermission
Put a tourniquet on what is missing
Oh honey I am listening
Copyright © 2025 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
I’d keep writing until I run out of data cuz no wifi here (yet) at the new home.
Get lost could be seen in two different lights. Cuz I in fact do, get lost in the pages of your story
That’s all
Thinking isn’t a crime
Because I love you
Like heaven was above you
I couldn’t find any editor to combine 2 photos into 1, it’s all so complicated now
Couldn’t layer or change opacity
NOTHING
I once could create stuff but now everything is on boss mode and I got left behind
It’s like they sucked the joy out of everything
STOP GIVING THEM FEEDBACK
STOP GIVING THEM YOUR OPINION
Take a vow of silence and run
The neighbor keeps asking me what I am running from
I keep trying to explain
Not from but to
I don’t wanna be tied down to anything
I just wanna run with the clouds
Sit with the sun where I won’t burn
Eat food on my tongue
Take a safety course
Get good with my weapon
The Army didn’t train me on something this fucking tiny
Should’ve stuck with a 9mil and what I am certified in
Told myself to stop complaining take a fucking class get to the fucking range
I love that the slumlord is worried that I got a weapon
“Is she carrying”
LIKE WHAT IF I AM
MIND YER FUCKING BIZZ
Cuz Ain’t nothing in my house REGISTERED TO YOU
In fact, YOU AINT ALLOWED IN HERE NO MO
MEDICAL EMERGENCY
MOTHERFUCKING TRY ME
This is America bitch
I WAS TRAINED TO CARRY
BE FUCKING SCARED
I HAZ EMPOWERMENT
KEEP TELLING THEM LIES
My lease is up soon and only then can you have entry
MY PLACE
MY SPOT
NOT YOURS
I CARE NOT YOU FORGOT ABOUT A DEADLINE AND ARE GIVING US 24 HOUR DEMANDS OR YOU GONNA ENTER ANYWAY + FINE US
I FUCKING DARE YAH
Cause I just told my nurse today that if my doctor doesn’t get with the fucking program, I will get someone else because she works for me and I don’t work for her and it’s about what I need and not what she wants
PERIOD
I DON’T PLAY
I DON’T NEED AN ELECTRIC BILL THAT COSTS A MUCH AS A FAMILY OF 5
I may just get a tent and start camping
And God knows I gotta drop more supplies if Ima spend a year traveling and figuring out where I wanna exist
Cuz I built a bed you know
And a couch
Fool me fucking twice
Never getting in another lease again
I mean, have you seen all the ridiculous add-on fees They’re adding just so they can bring you a fucking air filter? how about you Try cleaning the HVAC system for fucking change
Call the black mold mildew one more time
Say motherfucker ONE MORE TIMEEE
Cause I asked you on more than one equation was there any mold in this fucking apartment and you straight up said no and there’s mold all over this motherfucking place and I know it directly impacted my dogs mental health whom I just had to lay to rest, you better watch your fucking tongue the rest of the time I’m here and leave me the fuck alone.
A drowning man will drown another, but sometimes they’ll shoot you in the fucking back. That CEO never saw it coming. And the words on the bullet, poetic.
Checkmate Luigi.
And I carry cuz A. I’m cute and dudes follow me to my car or while I am walking and B. I am a Soldier
It’s also my right as an American citizen and I highly recommend you utilize all your rights too – unless of course you fucked up and do not have the right to carry
I would say stock up
My bag is heavy
Prob as heavy as me
The Army made me ruck carrying double my weight
It’s no wonder my back fucking hurts and I need to take breaks from time to time
Or I need you to pick up my shit cause it’s so fucking heavy but as long as you toss it on my back, I got it
Well the core of my heart lost a lot of strength to be able to do stuff like that which is why I’ve been doing core training.
My lease is up soon and I gotta let a lot of my stuff go because I don’t want to stay in Florida, but I did go look at a few places around here and I had a lot of anxiety during it and that’s my body’s way of saying we are fucking done with Florida
And the mountains are calling me home
I’ve never lived up north but I might spend some time in Montana. I might spend some time in Colorado maybe Utah I don’t fucking know where I’m going. I literally have no idea what is next. This is the first time in my life I have ever been 100% solo on my own I have a gun Legally OK so when I say I’m alone, I’m still protected. Thank you. (Gotta remind the monsters I sleep with one eye on my trigger thank you very much)
I’m finding a sense of calm but that does not mean Millers wave is not incoming
Cuz the gravity is extreme
The loss
And I literally held him until his last breath and went through a psychosis
The hospital sent me a card with his fur and nose and paw print
I don’t wanna talk about things right now
But soon, when time has passed
Maybe I’ll share the psychosis
The thing is, I felt so disconnected but everything I was experiencing was common
It was a common grief trauma response
I fell into a black hole
I could feel time slow
Gravity was so heavy
Things were so dark
And now there are moments of clarity but I have two separation sequences I need to prepare for
The first is escaping the bottom of the singularity
The bottom of the hole
And then there’s the event horizon
I gotta be like a goat at the bottom
But the event i am circling
They require different methods to escape
And I know I’m losing weight, but the Bible says to fast for two weeks and that’s one way to starve the cancer
Unfortunately, I was invited to the Parishioner welcome dinner, and then I RSVP’d, and now my clothes are all dirty, I’m on my period, my dog is dead, I’m barely eating, my energy is low, I’m gonna be homeless soon, I’m lost in purgatory, and I was hurting too bad to go to Sunday church, despite having gone two weeks in a row, and now I missed my streak and the dinner is WED and my anxiety is full
I’m wearing a sleep patch and a thc patch cuz i ain’t getting any
It’s the worst timing having to meet somebody on my period especially when the first 48 hours are my roughest and I’m still in my roughest part of my period so come Wednesday it’ll be oh I’m feeling better but I only got the dishes done today and there’s no clean clothes Because my dog died and I’m behind on everything 
I got a doctor appointment with my doctor tomorrow the one that the VA are trying to take from me and I don’t even wanna see the fucking VA anymore and I’m getting ready to write President Trump and letting him know of the atrocities that are going on and how the VA are making it extremely difficult For me to have the treatment that I need
THUS THE VA CAN GET IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA
I’m sick of being assigned a female doctor anyway
And yes, there are plenty more things I can fucking complain about
But I don’t wanna hear any bullshit about me sending an SOS to the current admin when the VA are actively killing me and my comrades mkay
Stay in yer own lane
If you wanna get out and protest, I ain’t stopping you
I didn’t vote for this
I DIDN’T ASK TO BORN
AND I’M NOT READY TO DIE
EVEN THO THE NEIGHBOR ASKED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MARRY HIM
GREAT CONGRATS
Glad I was able to show you you already had what you needed
But I ain’t jumping off a bridge yet
And somewhere inside me, I think you love me and want to see me win?
Or were you planning to shoot me through the door when I dropped candy off at your door?
*laughs*
Gotta stand yer ground in Florida
(Were you cocking the gun or unlocking/locking the door)
I’m not celebrating Halloween anymore and I’m getting rid of all my Halloween stuff
I might become a nun
But today I emailed a college about becoming a personal trainer
Dying but still got goals
I do feel less dead today tho for what it’s worth
I 1000% look dead due to my heavy flow and this would be a good time for a neighbor to bring me soup
But I only make enemies
It’s just what I do
Loyal but good at a blindside too
Dr. Peterson says sometimes you have to be a monster
And I’m taking lessons everywhere I can get them
I would like to share my goals, even though they say not to, but I would rather try to manifest them because I have been dying, but I would like to visit China in 3 to 5 years and go to the student center and earn my uniform for tai chi
So that is my short term goal
My long term goal is to be cancer free but it feels unrealistic cuz most people only get about that much time and i’m about there with this illness that stole my life
It has a name, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you *joking*
I keep you on your toes
I’m so sick of the thought police because I shouldn’t fear everything I say
I literally write as a form of escape
”I was here and now I’m not”
My sister, my dad, my dog (journal log 9654)
I just laid my dog to rest and the great planetary alignment is happening
On my sister’s death anniversary the great Winter blizzard of 2025 hit Florida where 5 inches of snow was dumped on my head during my 5th awakening
And the day I learned of my dad’s passing, I saw a six minute double rainbow
and since I held my dog for the last time on Valentine’s Day, i’ve been stuck on Miller’s planet, where gravity is strong
There’s not just the singularity, to escape, but the event horizon
And i’m on 10%
Maybe less cuz the “gross” thing is happening, and while i’m saying “oh my god” while flushing the toilet, i’m also saying things like “good girl” we started our period
And yes, i still, after nearly 48 years, get blood on my panties
Despite every measure not to
I WILL NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT
Those are bits of me, so much potential and possibility, being flushed down the drain
IT MAKES ME CRAZY
Also me: “thank you Lord for the river to wash me clean”
*sits by the river for days*
Him: what r u still doing down there?
Me: i told you not to look. stop looking
Him: *approaches closer*
Me: *throws a rock at his head. GO AWAY*
(He does go away but he brings me back some food and comfort and leaves it by the river)
(Now i’m grateful cuz i didn’t want to be alone or humiliated by him seeing me this way x every 3 weeks)
(He made me some cloth to help)
(Now I can leave the river)
(Now he has poisoned the cloth and the river cuz he thinks life is pointless)
I wanna see the Great Planet Parade
I asked God for a sign that my dog made it to heaven to be heaven’s mascot, that he crossed the rainbow bridge
Didn’t want his spirit stuck on earth cuz of me
I’ve been in a lot of emotional distress, but my ovaries have overtaken at the moment, but it normally takes about 36 hours or so for that to reside so I can just pursue the rest of my period without being curled up in a ball or the bed
Like leave me alone but bring food at the door
Games
Notes of “here when you’re ready” (not “when you need me” cuz don’t need the guilt for needing space to shed my dna)
Like I didn’t ask to be born and I don’t wanna die nor is life worth living
So – I am trying to include activities that do not include signing death warrants – the bottom pits of black holes – or anything with a cancer warning – that may actually make life worth living – but so far i just cry – feel dead and empty inside – like i have imposter syndrome – which is likely a side effect from jumping into this timeline – to save my own life – since my other self was incapable of such a task – and i am still course correcting for her – in and out of disassociation – crying about what i have done – despite spending hours in the mirror crying and begging myself to do what needed to be done
So been listening to songs of Faith and Devotion by Depeche Mode
Man will survive the harshest conditions / and stay alive / through difficult decisions / so make up your mind for me / Walk the line for me / if you want my love.
Just know, I will fucking cut the cord on you to save my life.
I will leave you behind.
I will do a blindside.
Fucking ruthless angel
Death of mercy
I mean
I will free you of your curse
That’s why you fucking love me. Will risk your life for me and leave your ministry to me and ask me to end your life.
I know you’d do it for me if I asked.
What a weak little pathetic fucking boy if you can’t fucking do what I ask.
They are literally couples who die together who fall ill
“So risk your health for me / if you want my love”
But you know, I would burn a bridge and build a wall before I fucking infected you and you hate me for it
You hate when you cannot reach me
Cuz I hate it too
I’m not jumping in a cold river to save my dog (they both died)
I’m never getting another dog again
I experienced psychosis when he died
Apparently, trauma grief is a real thing
I’m not just lost in purgatory. I’m circling the bottom of a black fucking hole.
Yesterday I ran on the treadmill
More like walk/sprint/run Army style but I got some running in!
Proud of the heart!
I’m not in remission yet but I gave up smoking again *sigh*
Marijuana now is just basically cocaine or heroin and you’re just constantly chasing the dragon high because they changed the DNA of it and fuck you
Maybe when I’m around to it I’m gonna write about my experience losing my soul dog and I did a witness cremation and I feel like I’ve grown up a little bit
Do you think every time something is born, there is less matter in the sun?
Don’t you feel a certain way around the trees?
Do you talk to the plants like me?
Do you have the blueprint on how to escape the singularity?
Can you write me a poem or story? About anything?
But for an added challenge: because i am not obsolete and a part of the community!?! – the theme or topic could be a dog finding his way to heaven? The rainbow bridge?
Anyone wanna AI my good boy and create some art? Or digitally add a bridge or something? It wasn’t his fault he got sick.
RIP Sammie 2011-2025
All dogs go to heaven? He got a viking cremation for the warrior he was. Well, it wasn’t on the water. But his body was cleansed, his spirit released. That’s the idea right?
Honestly, I’d rather talk about my period right now or nothing at all.
We can talk about tacos. I’m craving tacos.
Let’s just not talk.
I’d rather hear you typing that story on the typewriter until I fall asleep.
Weird way to propose but yes
“What u writing about honey…”
Me as of RIGHT NOW so STOP LOOKING
I told u not to look
The worst day of my life
The sun came up
But there’s no morning
All I ever loved
Was left for what then?
All hours working
Nothing is worth it
There are things I regret
Make a list
Haven’t listed them all yet
There is repent
But that just leaves a pit
Might be homeless
The fires won’t give a shit
But the worst part is
I’m the one who caused it
The best is yet to come?
Your body lie frozen
I’m inadequate
Insufficient for a purpose
I’m called Worthless
Sunrise over sorrow
What comes tomorrow?
Copyright © 2025 Delia Ross. All rights reserved.
Poetry forever @poeeternal
Dear John (p∞)
The steps are in the wrong order
And the scratches on the cave
Made us think this was the boarder
But instead became our grave
Copyright © 2025 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
Poetry forever @poeeternal
death and dying (a poem +)
heard him speak in past tense
does he seek bereavement
i’m looking through conflict
buried under cement
one too many secret
like moon is crescent
she is furled unpresent
his hope is well lit?
Copyright © 2024 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
“…she was such a good mom, i hope she can be a good mom again…”
oof
i don’t need to be psychic or have a degree in psychology to call it
“well how do you know they are dead? did you check their pulse”
i swear if i get asked that question i will hang up and call back for someone else
“LOOK THERE AIN’T NO GOT DAMN PULSE – IT STANKS”
“YOU COME CHECK THE GOT DAMN PULSE”
“IT’S THE WORSE SHIT I EVER SMELLED”
one time my grandaddy died (this needs to be the opening line of my book) and he had been dead for three days, down in the basement of the church, and i was a medic so they let me and my half-sister down there (her granddaddy by blood) and i decided to give him a hug
and he burped in my mouth
the look my sis and i made at one another
i was just like “i pressed too hard”
“the smell”
“it went in my mouth”
he hadn’t been in a cooler or anything
he had all his guts
it was august
he died on my birthday
things got worse…
would you like to be my editor?
or maybe get married?
to be continued?
I CAN’T DO IT
i can’t sentence him to his death or his “good day”
i’m going the detox route
they have detox for dogs at Zuma – healthy treats too
HE LOVES TO EAT but he is in pain so i will look into CBD gummies for dogs
he paces a lot
he tells me it is time to go (based on the quality of life scale)
but he is also fighting for another day
i could not feed him chocolate or junk food – despite buying him TWO candy bars
but they didn’t even have the candy bar I wanted him to have and I thought that was pretty fucking tacky on being his last day on earth that he couldn’t have the one candy bar that he would want so maybe that was a sign that it’s not time but you know we can always see a sign and make it mean what we want right? (the snickers box was empty – the worker decided then was time to place a re- order, but i was shopping for my dog’s last day on earth)
(back when Gen X was working, we went around with a little scanner device – and anything empty or near empty got a re-order, we also dusted the shelves, checked expiration dates, moved old product to the front) (for starters) (and we had to smile and greet every customer too) (and we had to work THREE jobs to PAY OUR RENT) (and we swept and mopped EVERY NIGHT)
the score was placed on an establishment on how clean it was – no one wanted to eat at an 88 with a 94 next door
NOW THEY HIDE THE SCORE AND I NO LONGER EAT OUT
GROCERY STORES ARE FULL OF TOXINS
ABOUT TO FAST OR GROW MY OWN FOOD
back to what i was saying tho – about not being able to sentence my dying dog to his death
Cue the movie Maggie (with Arnold Schwarzenegger) (the zombie flick) (tis the season)
But his situation is very similar to mine – he could not let her go no matter how much she said “daddy it’s time”
she became a danger to everyone around her, everyone else moved out of the house, it was just them and still he couldn’t do what he needed to do
WHAT DID HE NEED TO DO?
watch the film!
but maybe he just let things unfold naturally
but the thing is, she did not want to turn, she did not want to die __ _______.
She wanted some dignity in her end
and speaking of dignity, how the fuck did I have the ‘i spied on my neighbor’ post as a sticky? I hope to fuck they have not found my blog – i mean my living breathing journal – so stop being so judgy –
Mary Magdalene was a prostitute “pretty woman” and over 51% want love with a prostitute
i have never sold my body for sex, nor would i, i have never “pleasured myself” or whatever you call it, for money.
err the dog
at least i am no longer mad at him (until he shits on the floor again) (he has a giant dog playpen now – mama is figuring stuff out) (his pen has tons of pads but he likes to wait until after i have taken him out to use the rug or carpet, not even the floor for easier cleanup)
i have a lot of love and loyalty to give ONE MAN if he would just take rope and wind me in?
kaya is saying she wants to marry me
TWO DAYS IN A ROW Kaya smiled so big I WANT TO MARRY YOU
I MIGHT HAVE TO MARRY KAYA IF MAN FAILS ME
Kaya is a goddess so it’s not like I would be settling if I went to the other side
i told Kaya i wished we had a powder room (don’t ever say “bathroom” or “thank you” around her)
i want to take her to lunch so badly
she wants to marry me?
she keeps bringing me up the point that I haven’t accepted her friend request she can’t message me and she can’t see my old profile either so she can’t see my photos which she was watching my videos and says says I have a nice body? She doesn’t understand why I don’t have a man or husband since I want one? i keep trying to explain that i do not look like her, if i brought Kaya around, they would want to marry YOU
Kaya is taken (kinda) tho
(I don’t think the king would want her with a 10 but I know the king would not want her to be alone and he would want someone to take care of her when he could not) (but not take care of her THAT WAY – just like be a housewife – i mean cook and clean for her
but she has her own set schedules, I mean she cleans on Sundays her bedroom and her vanity area and I need to take on the same principles you know because I always thought Sundays were for resting and I never rest on Sunday
I don’t think I’ve loved anything as much as I’ve loved my dog and it’s hard to give up on something I’ve invested emotionally financially 13 years of my life on
And I know it’s supposed to be a good day while it’s a good day but it’s hard to say goodbye on a semi good day and I’m not a nihilist and I do not want to support the 6th mass extinction and I know it’s supposed to be an act of love and an act of mercy but…
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
A. A. Milne / Winnie the Pooh
these are signs it is “too late”
i will wait for these signs
sorry not sorry?
but i can’t say goodbye?
JUST RIP MY HEART OUT WHY DON’TCHA
silver lining (p∞)
there’s a silver lining forming over my hair follicle
but maybe it’s the way light presents itself over my sorrow
like disappearing chronicles
wasting tears on what i probably should
but there are things i never understood…
Copyright © 2024 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
postscript: i wanted to keep going, but the dog is disruptive to my existence. the good doctor said my quality of life is just as important, and i told her i don’t want to die for my dog.
i’ve been unloading on the neighbors, they have all said they understood
finally exchanged names with the neighbor two doors down, he said whatever decision is made is the right one
but he also said he waited too late for his soul dog
i kept mentioning awful things like “expenses” and he said his friend dumped 15k into a few more months
and i’m just like “i want my life back” but there is a lot of soul crushing guilt for that – but the good doctor explained it can feel like murder, but that it is an act of mercy, an act of love.
it can be hard to watch them turn blue and suffer
she mentioned mine had dementia
the only thing he likes to do is eat
but we did a quality of life scale test and it is time
it will cost me $1005 to cut the cord
to give him his good day
all my life Boomers spent at most $300 to do it all (euthanasia plus ashes)
but they are gutting us – and i will never get another dog again
all the boomers will be gone by the 60s
hope i live to see it
p.s.s. if you don’t know what i am rambling on about, i had to schedule my dog to cross the rainbow bridge, and as such, some silver is forming potentially
hard to see through all the rain and crying
CONSEQUENCE
i always felt like i would die losing my dog and now i am losing my dog and my ride or die
and my Jeep too
95% is soon 99%
sometimes i fear for my future
but i wanna move with the clouds?
loss pt. 1 (p∞)
i lost my sister in the fire
in the underbrush
roaming the streets of purgatory
she was in a rush
and her voice was raised against the trees
she was never hush
And the only consistency she ever had –
she was a good liar
like segregating family
it would put her higher
she would sit among her broken throne
covered in dust and bone
herself in the mirror she admired
and I don’t know where she’s buried or if she’s in a cup; I guess my family thinks I didn’t love her very much
Copyright © 2024 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
postscript: I’m sure there’s more about my sister dying… I haven’t really been able to put it into words
i was dying too (this part my family refuses to accept)
TRINITY MODE ON
“get up Trinity, get up”
or when Sarah from T3 needed to escape the asylum
-been there, done that tho. they had to change their rules because of me several times.
“i did that”
“i did this”
be careful. words are spells. this book brings demons. it teaches nihilism.
find the red words. stick to the message of love. they’re trying to ban the Bible
im interested in the old scripts, the ones hidden from us
stay in the light
get out of the mold
i wasn’t able to save my sister
i have things to contend with
thanks for the support over on my TikTok – i would like to attempt more spoken word – when I’m not actively dying in this moldy environment
I already need to go outside just to get air I can’t fucking breathe
gallows (p∞)
time to build the gallows
i walk in sun and shadows
docked head to toe
with guns and arrows
they aren’t my foes
Copyright © 2024 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved. (p∞)
shadowbans are real and so is my wrath
cuz
i woke up sickly, hence moody? pick a mood?
all of the above
and below?
it’s from a favorite store which is no longer a favorite store (my moods shift fast)
it’s more like the stores shifting and i’m staying behind
handbook for the nearly recently deceased (clothing too)
ivy’s dead (but im accidentally growing sunflowers outside)
tmi for sure…
woke up overheating
i don’t know if it was the poisoned donuts, the mold, or “extra strong medicine”
but i threw up and peed a little on myself
had the cops called on me and peed on myself all in the same week yah?
and this is why i prefer not being homeless cuz i took a sit down semi cold shower to “calm down”
like these are the exact times to calm down
when your body feels like it is dying
and you’re throwing up
but this medicine is a lot like chemotherapy
and the mold will make you lose your hair
i also threw up the other day and there were no donuts
i get to blame the donuts this time tho
partially
and the air purifier was red when i woke up sweating
so the devil was trying to possess me for sure
those always require a sit down shower after
if i was dreaming i woke up throwing up so there’s no way to recall
i went to bed nice and clean and woke up pissing myself
“not normal today”
went to bed clean, woke up sour
all in an angel’s day work…
“i can’t trust you”
well you could start by feeding me food that doesn’t make me shit myself m’kay
dying is humiliating
i’m not gonna sing a hymn
i’m probably gonna cry
in between the laughing like now
it’s hilarious that doctors try n convince me i got some worth “looks wise” (while sitting on an mri table) (even tho im home pissing myself)
like i would lock my husband out of the house…
“no you can’t come in right now”
“no im not cheating on you”
i don’t think first rounds of dating would go very well…
“so how do you spend your time”
“writing and shitting myself”
so it’s not a normal day
this isn’t like a common thing
in hindsight, i could be improving?
it attaches to your cell walls but i think my body just disposed of like a lot everywhere
all ends
at once
they said it “stunk down there in the cave”
he loss use of his legs
probably shit himself
and the piss tears sweat crying
i know
i don’t know what any of this is about…
i had to block was just appeared in my feed
it barley played .3 seconds and i was traumatized
i paused and went straight to the comments
some were saying it was too much to process
they didn’t wanna know
others wanted one as a pet to sexually assault
after a few comments – i blocked the very popular account
they were showing very up close and private details of a wombat
the way she was showing the area
im not sure why it was info i needed to know
i barely understand what is going on down there in my own world
it was like animal porn
i dunno
*eating sugar currently*
got a 2 pack of donuts and said no to the donut holes but they brought them anyway
*sips hot ginger tea*
*tries to recover from the mere second seen of the animals poo hole?*
why was she spreading it like that down there?
and she looked asian
he was white
it’s just a combo that makes me kinda throw up in my mouth
imperialism? a hard one as a female soldier to “realize”
you know, the truth about all these manmade wars
*back to reality*
they got crushed
like it’s hard yah know – to see
maybe, the steel knocked them out and they drowned in heaven
maybe they never had a chance to die in fear
cuz the window got knocked out?
so the cold dark waters rushed in?
but still…
sliding off the bridge in the dark
and someone mentioned bombs being heard
now they think the workers were terrorist
i never dismiss any new ideas
i always consider the possibilities
im a conspiracy theorist
they got crushed
good god
worst nightmare
falling from a bridge
i had to drive over that really long one going to New Orleans from Florida
i was driving like an old person
who wanted to get off the bridge asap
but i was dizzy with fear
and like 20 miles to go?
and there are gators in there?
them waters?
it took me ages to not tremble driving over the bridge here in town
any of them
it feels like Russian roulette
im not a bridge person
im even worse flying
that 18 hour flight from germany to kuwait
uggg
ive flown all over the world – too many times to count – been in a few scary situations
and why everyone in a plane looks for that one person who is scared to death (me) and fixates on them is beyond me
i always went after the free alcohol for soldiers too
(not when flying to kuwait obviously)
(we did drink during war here and there yes)
(dont ask how they got it to the desert with the toilet paper)
(sometimes they had them expensive fancy cigars)
“can i inhale it”
“you just puff”
*inhales*
ahhh nicotine that is illegal in the states????
i dunno
it’d be a fun book if some of us actually wrote one
including the dirty details
not just the heroic shit
(the heroic shit definitely out weighs the dirty details)
(of taking a shot here and there after watching people die)
(not getting any sleep)
(we were combat medics)
(with an emphasis on combat – and lives were definitely saved – but i think mine was lost in the process)
(i just aint ever been the same after sitting months in the devil’s foxhole)
(freezing to death with my m16a2 rifle praying for the sun to come up – only to be burned to death once it does)
(and then there were the sandstorms every other day)
there was that really big one, “the worse iraq had seen in 50 years” (cuz this was all taking place mostly in Iraq)
(we had some days in kuwait)
(the day we left was 118 degrees out, no shade)
but they got crushed to death
that’s gotta hurt a tiny bit crashing into the waters will steel crashing down
i don’t want to die like that…
no bridges babe
ever again
they going after our infrastructure
bankrupting us
we’re paying other countries pensions
it’s suicide
uncharted (wrong turn) (p♾️)
why did you put me here
stuck in the earth
my legs hurt
exploring the dark with lanterns
sin as wide as caverns
but not all these patterns
thanks for coming, but I really, really want out
my map, it must have the wrong route?
my brother heard me shout
it’s getting hot
i must be in the worst spot
i thirst a lot
i had a little hope
tied to a pulley on a rope
send prayers to the pope
i’m going to die right here
with walls like cashmere
choking on the atmosphere
a plaque marks the place i died
the rescuers lied
they left me inside
Copyright © 2024 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
author note: i wrote it. but it’s not really my words. i mean they are, but not really.
i didn’t plagiarize but they do contain last words
he just kind of leaped into my soul
and i’m still coming to terms with how we’re dying
because it’s the same but not really
i think i’m having die off symptoms again and a 4th awakening
cuz im hot and sweating (pits/feet) but my body is cold and shivering
so prob hot bath soon to help the heart out
started that new “extra strong” medication
only 2 doses in with a third today
everything aches at once at times
sometimes it is localized
it attaches to your cell walls
i have a relationship with a dead boy and now more dead boys are coming to me
it’s like im dipping my toes in the afterlife and i dont wanna be there yet despite this terrible disease called society depression
nobody even wanted to attend EAP’s (Poe) funeral and now they are selling locks of his hair “for luck”
the city nor the country is safe
apparently only rich people are allowed water (like a migrant prince in Arizona)
long video: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLrVhfux/
“i thought i bought a forever home”
(i can’t stand gen Y voice – they all sound the same – had to watch on mute like all videos)
(there are only a few voices i like to hear)
(i don’t know what’s wrong with me)
(i know it’s me)
“i was dumber than six rocks”
tell her to get that smug look off her face and get back to her porn and go back to sleep puleaseee
i can tell she denounced God
did you see that gang carrying Riley in a bag over their heads?
they were driving near him or walking
and then carrying something over them
it took more than one person to carry whatever they were carrying
tall boy = Riley
hurt shoulder – embankment
crying – helpless / died
red face – blood on someone’s hands?
starting to piece together the puzzle of my dream of Riley (before he was found)
i can have all the pieces and still put it together incorrectly
i’m sorry i flipped on you and your friends?
i’m crazy?
i need meds?
there was mold possessing me?
i need an exorcism?
i date dead people?
(please don’t tell the therapist)
i’m aware i’m a monster?
ifAWOLcouldbeabandonedCHURCH
m’kay
heart somewhere in utah?
you felt me fall?
left a mark where i clawed?
unless that one guy i met at 27 was him but he denounced me and god and chose porn and children instead
that fucking bridge
they crashed into the abyss
mere seconds
artificial gravity isn’t so artificial when you can’t escape it
and they fell into cold dark waters?
you wouldn’t know which way is up?
and even if your windows were down?
the wind gets knocked out of you falling from a treehouse?
or missing a step?
they fell into the abyss?
and even if they were knocked out?
the cold water rushing in at your feet would bring you back from the near dead?
only to die in fear?
cuz they musta heard something?
and felt the vehicle falling forward?
i musta counted 4 cars with lights?
and AI could predict this
and scientist know how to put things in the environment to get the results they want
now i may not have the better argument
i may not even have the proof
but Riley was found with his clothes off
or at least his bottom half
i was happy to have “a boy” visit me in my dream
and i am not the reason for making him cry
someone mounted him in real life
he hurt his shoulder
the only way i could reach him for a hug was to “mount him” (hop up)
but this aggravated his shoulder and he began to cry in public
and i being humiliated “woke up” in a 4th awakening
tis all…
i’ve been watching that bridge fall
with traffic on it
and my irrational fear of bridges was not irrational at all
that old lady biking over the bridge a couple hours from here – who died clinging for her life – and fell – into concrete below
cuz our best jobs were given to third parties
“who work harder and smarter than us”
and other countries are happy cuz we are paying for their pensions
and even if i wanted to unblock his number – i destroyed all evidence – including the trash bin
call me gross one more time on my period
and by the way, “gross” is my favorite word to now comment on practically everything
a couple got married? gross
and they got CHILDREN inspecting the crash site
and Boomers wanna skip over GEN X and give House to GEN Y
please call me gross one more time cuz i will fucking hunt you down
cut your little fucking tongue out
kiss your little bloody pouty lips
what’s the matter boo? cat got your tongue?
it’s just a blog post with minimal freedom of speech
i hope i get banned from social media for not meeting community guidelines anywhere
rust is MOLD is the Devil
yasss rust is mold
moldy metal
i don’t know if i can ever drive across another bridge again
or take a flight
the risk isn’t worth it
a woman jumped into a frigid river to save her dog – leaving behind a husband and 4 children I would like
she was found 4 days later holding her dog, both dead
*selfish mode on*
i ain’t dying for you or a dog
God is real tho and i am paying for my sins
i just hope i can pay for them in better housing without an hoa or loaded gun in the doorway
i cancelled my 225 loan
devil gonna be hard pressed to get me to put my pennies in a shoebox taped up
or sign on any dotted line
motherfucker didn’t even offer me a sandwich, meal, or coffee (the realtor)
got me off bedrest to go see the devil with a gun
“this place is still occupied. the owner lives here”
me: “oh”
him: “there’s the owner”
me: *smile big, put out hand*
*do not appear a threat*
drove a total of 4 ish hours for barely a walkthrough
sometimes people put steps over land that dips
and i think im stepping into a sinkhole
“oh”
and the upcoming doc appt is with a girl
my life flashed before my eyes and i saw the life i lost
the life i could’ve had
and it’s hard to not drive off a bridge
Bible says Jesus will return as part if the 144k
i hope he hears me calling for him like Gavin does in a crowd
the good doctor didn’t trap bb in the mental ward (this time) to give her the “special treatment”
but it’s all coming back to me now
the 6000 lives i have lived
and still haven’t learned my lesson?
i ain’t nobody
41 people visited my blog recently?
that is a lot since i shut everyone down (including self) to focus on dying (which i may not die if i get in an environment with clean air)
i’ve had some bad habits i had to break (some still rear? their head)
but when you do break them and have been detoxing 10,000 years and are “why am i still dying”
“oh it’s the air”
“i can’t breathe”
“it burns”
advice: “get out of the environment”
it’s true
as soon as im outside im already feeling better
until i hear or feel the neighbors who want to kill me not enjoying my clean air break
(im pretty certain your prison sentence was better than mine)
(mine is called “freedom”)
(it doesnt come with 3 shitty meals a day and if i dont feed myself i will die)
(it doesn’t even come with an hour of sunshine and i’m not allowed the pool)
(i still worry about bad things happening in the shower and have my weapons on me more than my phone)
i blocked my realtor
at least i went to bed and woke up at my recommended sleep times (to bring you this eye-opening revelation)
so i got roughly 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep
i’ll have to update the insomnia coach
he gave an updated sleep time
the AI doesn’t know how to handle me, i am a tricky slope
“you need to see a provider” followed by “are you sure you were in bed for ten hours”
like bro
i CRASHED
but i also ate three fucking edibles and took a large dose of tincture and musta had a bath cuz my socks and undies are changed – but it was more of a soak – wash face and feet from that creepy situation i wound up in
me talking to myself on the drive home:
“let’s not be irrational, we can go back to the drawing board”
“just sleep on it before you do anything”
oh i fucking slept?
but you only get ONE time to show me a house like that
and God let me see everything i needed to see quickly regarding homebuying
and i see how squatters have more rights than tenants
and God knows im mad miles got put on my ride – when neither of us got many miles left – and we are literally giving it our all to escape this black hole
together
but im on foot after
i dont need a carry permit in Florida
tiktok says im “armed and dangerous”
but they still want my pennies
so im rambling again about a bunch of nonsense
but i dont know how it is legal for folks to list their home and be actively living in it
and then what we sign and come key day “surprise i got a gun”???
i dont know how a new roof and old furniture gives the value of the home what it does
when in just 2018 or so it sold for 60k
and i recon now it is worth less than a dollar
wtf is the point of a realtor if they dont inspect the property first?
i didnt want to meet the owner?
that was sprung on me at arrival
“the owner is here, there is someone actively living here”
honey there are people living in the shed out back
and bones lurking in places i probably walked over
but heyyyyy you can keep the windows open and car doors unlocked and keep your guns resting on the doorway out back!
there are never any birds in the bird bath…
there werent any birds at all…
i think the trees in the front were dead or dying (but it is kinda fall in Florida)
i didnt even see a squirrel?
amongst all that fertile land?
“worms everywhere in the soil” the owner stated
hmm i thought, ‘dead bodies’ as i smiled “oh good, that’s good”
i wanted gone as soon as i arrived
but the whole way there “another sign i should sign”
i don’t even wanna sign a new lease
and i do want to move
they found Riley’s body in the river
8 miles away
floated i recon
when that kid drowned in the ocean, the current took him a mile away in an hour
it took two weeks of him drifting downstream
i don’t know what the autopsy will reveal
but i think he slipped on the embankment, hurt his shoulder, fell in the dark water, didn’t know which way was up or down, got disoriented, and drowned
i can’t imagine surviving the drunken fall (cuz if he was knocked out he wouldn’t have died in fear) – only to swim thinking you are heading up and then reaching the bottom
i would probably panic in dark waters too
cold dark waters
bars mishandle drunk or disorderly people
his shoulder might not show that he was hurt after two weeks drifting in the river
but in my dream he was
and crying
so he died in fear
and alone
in another state he didn’t live in
our brains do not fully develop until 26
we could live well over 100 if we stop making each other sick
these iphones put out too much radiation
thanks for visiting but im going dark again soon
(hope to be back)
(kinda need to find a place to move)
i was wearing my cross necklace so either that saved me or the fact that they knew my daughter was tracking my location…
if i learned anything, i want my new own home
or no home at all
“all in or nothing”
“new hand”
“new cards”
i know a few card games
it has been too long
but cards i was good at
(i miss games that require no device)
maybe/or (this is not a journal log)
his frat boys pushed him “for fun” or “initiation” but he hurt his shoulder falling into the embankment and drowned?
homeless saw an opportunity to get high and get his socks off (a new used pair too)?
there’s a serial killer on the loose: “if you keep moving, they can’t find you”?
correction: thousands of serial killers are on the loose
but we do not know accurately cuz other countries gatekeep that info (rules for me not for thee)
(they are psychopaths and a leopard does not change its spots with a green card)
Florida no longer requires a carry permit
but worry about civil matters later
you won’t be worrying about shit if you return HOME to your apartment where squatters decide to murder you and stuff you in a bag
none of these monsters who have conditioned you into casual or group sex have your best interest
im sick of seeing everyone in stripper shoes
im sick of China 2.0
maybe he leaped into the cumberland after his humiliation ritual and getting lost (a trigger literally takes this much)
maybe he slipped, hurt his shoulder, died
maybe he got in a car, trafficked, and his organs are gone
did anyone see HOW the card was found?
it would help to know if it was tossed or not
it feels like it was tossed
not far from where he “disappeared”
homeless aren’t really talking but they are wearing his clothes?
fratboys left and lawyered up instantly
the bar, “we’re sorry” (don’t stand near a cliff)
boycott it? boycott all of them?
we’re not safe anywhere
no im done
stop telling me what to do
picture this
the mold inspector found mold
everywhere
he needs me to vacate the unit (and the senior dog) 6 hours minimum
at some point
i said “i hope soon”
and when showing him spots i think it is (or have bleached it)
“oh yeah i see it” as he snaps a photo
“well the landlord is in on it now”
so – the mold inspector will be back to do “all sorts of stuff” “everywhere”
im thinking i need a 1 day vaca at the motel
but id prob catch bed bugs
and have an even bigger problem
i don’t have any friends to “go hang out with”
id be embarrassed the way Sam acts like a zombie
“why haven’t you put him down” they’d say
“convenience kill” according to his vet…
so the dog’s health is more important than mine
im sorry what was this post about
oh… mold
must vacate to remediate
i got the validation i need
and the Mold Masters quoted me nearly $600 to “test the air and send to lab” so im glad the landlord IS involved now cuz like i cant run the air conditioning unit in FLORIDA
this box is a fucking coffin
you’ve been a dropout ever since you’ve been seventeen
…
theme song of the decade (again)
(im also very responsive to 90s music)
i did… in fact… drop out at 17 (got pregnant by a predator) (ooops)
(but i got my GED before i would have graduated highschool)
(and took a college admissions exam while breast feeding in the parking lot on breaks)
(college is a scam met with government furloughs and hiring freezes)
(my loans were forgiven)
(i hope my sins too)
“nature is good for you”
it’s kind of traumatizing seeing and hearing what animals do to one another
i just don’t think i’m doing life right
it’s prob just a bored abandoned cat terrorizing everything God made cuz “it’s fun”, “it’s what i want”, “i can’t stop” cuz he’s no better than an animal and i just wish the neighbors that hear the laughing coming from the window is not of “fun nature”
they’d wanna kill me even more
the crime is still ongoing just fyi
the “bad dope” is in my backyard and when the state gave me CUD and i have to temp stop my pain and anxiety medication for 6 months – i wasn’t allowed to accept gifts or phone numbers no matter how tempting or good the offer smelled
they leave live rounds outside my window
and i ain’t never did them no wrong
‘cept that one time the gang leader living next door asked me if he could “live with me for 3 months” cuz him and his gal were splitting up (and i wasn’t gonna have to hear him beat his dog anymore through the walls) and he offered to help “catch me up on my ride” cuz “he knew i was behind” cuz we had some hurricanes out here that made us lose power for a weeks time and “love thy neighbor” (but not that much)- i’m just a big mouth (but not a narc) (or narC) and folks will never phish any info out me again ‘cept maybe “hell is real” “god is everywhere”
but i told him no immediately (despite having threatening letters by Capitol One that they were gonna start the process to remove my ride) – and so as if being sued by my creditors and having to go to court (for other debts) wasn’t humiliating enough – the judge demanding i take “3 full breaths before we start because i look like i want to jump from the bridge behind us”- and this was in a full courtroom
…as if that wasn’t humiliating enough i had to tell the thug “no” and he said “you can sleep on it” and i replied “i don’t need to”
and the devil got mad
said my back window would get broken
it did, the day before thanksgiving
and now all his friends cousins and brothers
make life hell for me
and there’s an undercover out here waiting on his promo
i won’t have anything to do with anyone
it ain’t just black people “we don’t talk like that”
i have ghosted my own father
why you so mad
“equal opportunity hater”
“we hate everyone”
so even if i wanted to break the law and “make peace” – i could fucking die from the w**d
I had a fucking addiction right in the middle of a gang war and like
i.dont.want.to.die.
uhm SOS?
it’s like every direction is trying to kill me and suicide is humane?
i couldnt breathe again and had to open a window and now the gangs think i aint living in fear
my third air purifier is arriving soon
30 days to close they say
i can’t manage to leave the very house that is killing me
this place aint worth dying for
these people
this town
im not gonna be able to breathe until i am far gone
i better stop laughing with the window open cuz dont wanna leave in a body bag
cop: “you need to move”
“not just from here”
“but all of Daytona”
“all of Daytona is bad”
“there’s not enough cops”
protection prayers please
i had nothing to do with this by the way: https://www.daytonabeachconnection.com/Daytona-Beach-Police-Department-makes-major-drug-bust–arrests-suspect–1-16524.html
i simply told a man “no” and bam – despite my lease stating and having a clause to protect women – i have video evidence and proof of so much shit i have been through
enough to make someone die by suicide
“you can’t make someone kill themself”
they took away the noise disturbance law in 2008
and some of the things in my head that would put me on tv – are justified
“we only hire Black people for a safe environment”
God is gonna know when im back home cuz im gonna be slinging the devils head outside the doh!
im sure one of the cats will wind up dead cuz 3 or 4 have been murdered with a vehicle by a neighbor – and i either hear the cries and see the aftermath and blood pooling – or discover them cold and dead
and i hate the things but not enough to kill them
im selling my new ps5 btw
i already know i likely probably break community guidelines and this is minority report
and you definitely in the minority if you believe in God
so JJ wanted me to know that he would not be released when the floods come
and im apparently welcome to visit anytime
he knows my greatest fear after all
nihilism
i mean, they built a snow cave so they must have not known they were suicidal!?!
“it’s an adventure!”
the eldest was a Boomer (58)
and they will lead you off a cliff (or pier)
or freeze to death on the alps
some say “a worse way to go”
and though I get their meaning –
“John Jones” (a worse way to go)
“do you know why you are here”
“do you know why you are here…?”
i don’t know what brought me here
there was a period of awareness in womb – and already a desire to end life before it even started
there are dents in my rib where i rubbed –
clawing to escape the sound of my own heart
or maybe i didn’t want to be born into a monstrous world,
with the cold Antarctic as my mother
my father was a destiny of lies
my mother prayed for my death
said i wasn’t born in love
said i had the darkness in me
all while holding my sister close
the pandemic swept her from her arms and now all blame lies on me
i told her i wanted her to die in pain
i told her i wanted her to suffer more than all the suffering she had caused me
some prayers get answered and others don’t
lessons to be learned
even i am lost in purgatory
without direction
but the wind is no longer gnawing at me
only regret
i plan to bury it
deep within the crusty earth
and plant with it a seed
one day the crust will rise
an angel can spread her wings
no longer laying dormancy
i have done things i regret
to stay afloat the Tennessee river
oh the bridges i’ve been pushed from, jumped, or burned…
what brought me here
maybe the long agony hours awake
the will it takes
that even when you are in the trenches dying, you need to change your socks
it bothers me that John did not have his shoes removed
i would have been clawing the earth off of me
i would have made it cave in
on Susie….
sorry not sorry
i came here to judge!?!
i was stripped of my wings and used as a fleshlight
they want me to believe i haven’t any worth – all while trying to traffic me
the pretty ones are the biggest threat
the ones with the light
the neighbors gang up on me to harass me then scream “we fear the white one”
i am going extinct
if you aren’t serving them with sex or buying their bullshite, then phrases like “she gon be shot” are sung out
i sleep in the lions den where two girls where shot
for being good girls
had to ask the front office what it would take to get the crosses removed from the windows where the tape once was
their cheeks turned rosy; “we’ll take care of that for you”
and i am sure the undercover cop and department is looking for another promotion soon
another major drug bust went down and the gangs need to get revenge
call me paranoid but the cop told me i needed to move
not just from “here” but the entire city
and now there are things i can’t tell my therapist
now there’s really no one to trust
now it is “i need a priest, maybe this isn’t your lane”
maybe the demons in my head
maybe the feelings of unworthiness
maybe no direction
but i need to cast Satan out
you got a pill for that?
cuz maybe i’m a monster
but i still need a priest
some holy water poured on me
Copyright © 2024 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
sos: help i’m in hell
anything over 8 will overwhelm the AI, i swore i read it – the updated blog post with tips on blogging and tags direct from WP (but jetpack or some shit)
oh… did light bulb go off?
can you give me some light?
i know we’re not talking to one another – on some deeper inception level i can’t understand but do
im so delusional or lost or disassociating or prefer dreaming to crying but i may have fallen for something i should not and have spent the year in la la land thinking i would never see them again but now it is possible i might be!?!
and now i potentially have to face the thing ive been dreaming heavily about?
is this what dying on the cross is like?
you’re not suppose to fall in love with the prostitute and im not suppose to fall in love with the doctor?
is that how this works?
asking for a friend
he wasn’t braking *trigger warning*
it was just the lights flickering
i thought (at first) he was braking (they finally pulled him out of the ocean)
but he drove through an iron gate to nosedive off the pier
he wasn’t braking
and i don’t know what bothers me more
the fact that he wasn’t hesitant or he was!?!?
i really have a hard time visiting (or sharing) any news sites cuz they are all plagued by ads eating your data, can’t scroll, can’t read, like picking flies off in Iraq when trying to eat
they will fucking swarm you
i watched him drive off that pier so much
never once was there a “sensitive content warning”
“participating in this activity could get you hurt”
i watched him drive off that pier doing only what i dare to dream to do….
he wasn’t hesititating
i would like to write a poem but words fail me
as i struggle with my own depression, my own identity, a place to belong in this world
but don’t hand your cards over to Satan
this might be his world
cuz i asked (while awake) for some clarity if this was “heaven or hell”
im like “yeah the sun feels nice – in limits – and we’re all eating one another to stay alive”
and i know we are suppose to work together
and i know we are born into a manmade prison cuz of his lustful nature
but I had a dream
and in that dream – i came to a realization, and stated to others i cannot recall or remember, in a frantic realization, “we’re in hell”
and it woke me up
but it’s just the tip of the iceberg potentially
and i don’t wanna be down in hell an eternity
i don’t like them odds
and those who worship the dark one make it so easy in society every step we turn to commit sin
i don’t want to live a life of sin and i do not comply with the social credit system
i DO sometimes think of driving off the pier
but man
you ever dove off a diving board and landed on your back?
was he knocked out when the car hit the water?
did he watch himself drown?
he wasn’t swearving
on a wet bridge
he didn’t seem intoxicated to me (maybe parasites)
i thought he was braking
but it was an optical illusion
just the car taking dips
i don’t think he wanted to be found
i don’t think he knew (or wanted) his ending broadcast on TikTok and social media
he didn’t want out, he didn’t want to be found
the only thing he regretted was his life
he didn’t regret having complete control over his ending (did he?)
were there regrets down there in those final moments?
did he struggle?
was he a gen x?
I NEED TO KNOW
wretched week
it was a bad week
not a bad day –
an entire fucking week!
with small intervals of “the sun is out, you made it through the night, do you wanna try and walk”
and after 48 hours of his explosive diarrhea which kept him quarantined to his bathroom – with many walks outside – I called the vet
I told them which location I wanted to go but they wanted to send me on a 6 Hour Rd. trip when my dog had diarrhea
“id like port orange please today if possy”
her: ‘we have one available in iron city”
me: “where is iron city, how far”
her: ‘do you want the address for Port Orange’
i’m fairly certain I’m living and suspended in a different dimension than most people
i got struck by lightning in my jeep all windows down arm out 80 miles an hour circa 2018
i’ve never seen so many arms of bands of lightning and the sound was so loud it was like something fell from heaven
i screamed “fuck” as my life literally did flash before my eyes
I could still see the lightning on the road as I was driving away
it was even more odd i veered into the middle lane the precise time it decided to touch down
millions of arms
my arm was still burning when I got home and I started googling if electricity was radiation and freaking out because I didn’t have any iodine in my house and still don’t
things have not been the same since
oh… the dog saw the vet yesterday and had his anal glands expressed
i was blaming myself for everything that went wrong as he was i thought “dying”
he is so old his body is starting to shut down
he wants to be here, no matter how painful this gets
he may have to get his glands expressed again
I wonder when mommy will ever have a good day again
but then sometimes I realize I should probably be grateful that I even have this to tend to
i told him im not far behind
and i hope he greets me in heaven
since he will become heaven’s mascot when he arrives
he earned his wings down here
I kinda have been praying for this day to come and now that it’s arriving I don’t want it to come – I have guilty feelings for wanting my life back – to move on without him
ive made some moral mistakes
they are so hard to recover from
but also i’m starting to experience some tenderness in my kidney area and the medication just isn’t working fully
thought and prayers
p.s. she said there wasn’t anything I did and that I would probably need to bring him in again to get his anal glands expressed as it’s common for old dogs
i’m fucking exhausted after the week I’ve had and I know it’s 6 AM but I’m gonna smoke a fucking joint – it’s prescribed
im aching im tired i wish markburgesswasdead
finally. an honest obituary.
i can just see myself doing this tho.
why am i laughing tho
“they grieve who she could of been”
god i feel this
even about my own life that was stolen from me
this gave me tiny bits of hope
ive always been the bright rainbow of the family (and i dont mean lgbt)
i stopped fighting with the ai
no more caps, no more grammar, no more fucks to give
leave the apostrophe at the door
things are smooth sailing stalling
triangulation among the living, dying, dead
some people are being boiled until their skin falls of the bone, and the company uses the broth for their garden, i shit you not
*laughing again*
why cant i have the broth for my own garden tho?
give me my mom’s juice
daddy’s too
revenge is an honest obituary
“im glad shes dead”
maybe poe really was a dick
he definitely was a pedophile who liked fucking his own blood
He wrote some *then* unpublished shit to her which is tattooed into my bone
I kept telling my tattoo artist I hated her and I wish she was dead but she wouldn’t let me go
until the side tat was done
“im sorry i wished you were dead / heres your tip”
there’s probably a reason I don’t have too many friends 💀
im that meme
about the drunk girl giving some guy head to avoid getting raped or worse
my safe place immediately destroyed “can i just jerk you off”
i was probably 18 or 19
maybe 20 or 21
ive been getting sa since i was born tho
i can do a tell-all for the upcoming obituaries
i never thought id share my story or find closure
ill put it on a fucking tomb
“here lies the one i hate”
THIS IS GIVING MY LIFE
i was thinking about reaching out to the sperm donor one more time
I think I was 10 last time I saw and ghosted my daddy
oh daddy where art tho
it’s weird to be so segregated from my own bloodline that I don’t even have his phone number or address
but also I haven’t moved into this new version of me yet and I don’t know what the old version would do
im in the messy middle
Update
Doc said my bloodwork looked good
Said my liver looked good
Said my skin is looking healthy
Said it wasn’t in my blood anymore
Meanwhile, I’m going “I threw up twice”, “I had to stop taking the other pill”, “I couldn’t breathe”, “need morphine”
The morphine request was denied 🙄
But only cuz she doesn’t prescribe narcotics
I’d have to go see my primary care manager – who literally misdiagnosed and mistreats me – and the only reason I’m as bad as I am now, is I couldn’t get the treatment I needed when I went to them, “I’ve been exposed”
Them: “your labs are fine”
I started my period and though I’m 45 and in agonizing pain, bleeding on everything, I’m actually grateful I’m still ovulating.
But getting any pain medication from the VA is like asking a ghost to follow me
I’ve lost my mind so the latter is a bit easier to do
I wish I could enter the VA and state that I’m 45 still bleeding from my legs – but they’d probably complain “we don’t talk like that” – “that’s considered rude”
Because we’re suppose to enter medical establishments smiling and tap dancing and bowing for them like they’re Gods
They love to gaslight
And medical malpractice is common
Go to the library and pick up a book
One that isn’t glorifying hookers and prostitutes
Cuz those can be found on the hot shelf in the front where little children can read
You’re gonna burn hell
For all eternity
P.S. I don’t know any vet alive dying that isn’t begging for some goTdamn morphine
Stop hoarding all the junk
GIVEMAH
Haz pain 😑
P.S.S. I requested it in the form of cough syrup since the hospital gave me some and it soothed my coughing and anxiety several hours thus helping the heart
But dying and being in pain isn’t a good enough cause for some cough syrup with morphine
So how do I get me some of the “good cough syrup”!?! Asking for a friend…..
I worked hard to put on weight and now I’ve done did
Pockets
He didn’t make or withdraw any deposits,
And he was living off of promise.
He was found hanging from a bridge –
With bricks in his pockets!
Copyright © 2023 Delia Ross /@poeeternal. All rights reserved.
Damn.
These words like halls of truth
Why won’t you follow
To the cold mines
Become trapped
Bleeding bloodlines
Holycrap
(RIP JJ)
Can’t wait to get to the range and see how the ticker does with a 9mm
A half would be nice but give me a full
A full arsenal of firearms, ammunition, explosives, knives, pepper spray & so on
And I’m like babes, get rid of the batteries. And don’t make the house explode.
Does the Devil know tho, I’m coming for his head? It don’t require guns.
They don’t know how long an eternity is.
Cox and his Clocks ⏰ – I mean cocks
It’s like Inception, we’re all living lives inside of lives inside of lives
I don’t relate to 40% of the population
In any manner
At all
(Maybe more like 95%)
40 because statistically they’ve never known struggle
I was like WHY DID THEY STEAL MY RETIREMENT and instead of leaping from the bridge here (that a judge said I looked like I wanted to jump from), I researched my apathy
You know it occurred to me that I’m 1000% a warrior
They changed the uniforms so many times, I couldn’t recognize myself anyway
Bring back the old Army greens
They gentrified
🙄
Does the Devil know?
Jim Caviezel said you have to bite off the snakes head
He said they were after him
The guy that got bricks in his pockets tho? London I think 🤔
Didn’t pay a $250k loan
(We now have an undercover cop living here cuz it’s so safe)
OceanGate received $450K in pandemic PPP loans to cover payroll costs
OceanGate received $450K in pandemic PPP loans to cover payroll costs
— Read on www.msn.com/en-us/money/other/oceangate-received-450k-in-pandemic-ppp-loans-to-cover-payroll-costs/ar-AA1cWYT4
That’s some fucking bullshite. Stole money from the civilians pockets to fund a future murder/death.
CEO wouldn’t even hire experts. I’m annoyed and angry!!! Voting means absolute shite. This government is nihilistic!!!!!! Satan’s society!!!! Over it!!!!
The son didn’t want to go…
Y’all the son was terrified to go – didn’t want to go – didn’t listen to his intuition – only wanted to bond with his dad – as the trip fell on Father’s Day weekend – he died in fear – as if it couldn’t be anymore heartbreaking
The parents first priority should have been keeping him safe
They could have bonded over dinner and a movie – it shouldn’t take extreme events to form a bond with your parents
My God…
Gut wrenching
Bless his heart
He was only 19 – a teenager – and the frontal lobe doesn’t fully form until age 25
He was just a kid…
A young man just getting into manhood
Not quite an adult yet
And fuck anyone who says otherwise
NINETEEN – TEEN – TEENAGER
How fucking dense are you?
I think those little red flags are messages from God – our intuition – that gut feeling
That we all seem to ignore
And often it cost us our lives
He shouldn’t have been allowed to go on an unregulated experimental deep dive sub – with zero experience
He didn’t even want to go…
And, there’s a video of the CEO bragging that you would hear “creaking sounds” and alarms warning if the hull would implode
You shouldn’t have to risk your life to get the love and care you need from a parent
As if, I couldn’t hate parents even more…
The aunt said he had a “terrible feeling” so sad
Parents aren’t worth dying for
And now they’ll never bond again
He died in fear, I know he did
His dad likely didn’t give a fuck about his kid – or his safety
Making him sign all those waivers…
Peer pressure
Fuck everything…
“Why do you care about the kid”
BECAUSE I DO
People aren’t worth dying for
Listen to your intuition
Little messages from God
Or 6000+ years of evolution
But he was smart enough to know something was off…
He kept crawling in that hole – for others
Only his hole was a sealed up tin can
And yeah, you absolutely feel the pain of being blown up – you do – even if it goes fast – you experience hell
That tin can started making all kinds of noise
He died in fear
19… just a fucking baby
Meanwhile, some elder just turned 100…
ONE HUNDRED
There are many ways I don’t want to die.
Worse Case Scenario
Worse case scenario
Not the way to go
But it happened so
12,000 feet below
Vessel or coffin?
You be the judge then
The hope is very thin
And little stretched within
Hope is not high
It’s barely surfacing
Copyright © 2023 PoeEternal. All rights reserved.
They’re starting to find debris from the unsinkable Titan…
I don’t think a teenager is capable of mitigating the risk involved.
This comment is terrible but why did I laugh? Like damn….
People absolutely hate billionaires. The comments unfolding…
It’s safe to say, they’re no longer suffering.
I haven’t slept in days so probably some spelling mishaps.
I’ve slept a little that were filled with tossing and nightmares.
Grateful to still be fighting for my life. Having shoppers guilt and I don’t understand why.
Mostly think “what’s the point, will I even live long enough to enjoy it”
Followed by “my sister died at 45, buy the stuff”
Followed by “we could be dead tomorrow so what’s the point”
Followed by “I really want it”
Followed by “I know”
Why am I having buyers guilt? Not remorse? Cuz I do not regret anything in my closet.
I mostly regret being sick and dying…
I told myself I’ll stop shopping eventually
LIKE WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO
I’m not even doing it for views…
It’s the first time I’ve ever owned clothing I actually like
I’m no longer spending hundreds of dollars monthly on medicinal that made me worse
And I know I need to move but it ain’t happening overnight
Long ago I could pack up and drive around, look at a few places, and get a key
It’s no longer that easy or affordable
I’ll likely be just as miserable and my AC is probably full of mold
Putting a work order in…
Rent increase in August but it’s still 3 or 4 times cheaper than a 1 bedroom elsewhere
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
And I did get new carpet here
I’m just gonna keep fixing it up
Until I have land + a tent
But there’s cracks in the ceiling
CRACKS IN THE CEILING
I fear sinkholes
Also Florida is in hurricane season nearly again
I’ve lived through THREE hurricanes here
2 of them I lost power over a week…
In the summer heat…
I’m sure that’s excellent for moldy conditions
And Wolfy hasn’t shown her face since I screamed bloody murder twice
She probably wanted me to feed her like I do the other house spider
I have terrible arachnophobia
I’m pretty much scared of everything
I think she’s gonna have babies and need to relocate the sack
But she’s guarding it
This isn’t going as planned and I keep feeding her
I’m turning into a witch and Halloween commences August 31st this year – hopefully still alive to wear my cute Halloween themed outfits (throughout XMAS)
Clothing gives me a reason to live
Do other people feel guilty spending money on things they want and need?
I did say I wanted to start over and got rid of 95% of my belongings which I hated and brought me zero joy
It sucks because I have zero family or friends to confide in
I have to be my own best friend and say “baby girl buy it”
And then I thank myself and God and God and God when I do…
Cuz I’m grateful but ain’t allowed to let my neighbors know…
Any time I drive I bless my car and thank her
Do other people talk to spiders and machines?
Sources
If they’re not already dead they will be
That’s what the sources tell me
And I have a feeling sinking
With that submarine…
Copyright © 2023 PoeEternal. All rights reserved.
Deep
They are deep in trouble
With moments to spare
Or maybe blown to rubble
Is there any hope down there?
Copyright © 2023 PoeEternal. All rights reserved.
Astronomical (poem)
It’s astronomical odds
To be saved
I hear no applauds
At the depths they braved
Copyright © 2023 PoeEternal. All rights reserved.
Free speech, prayer, and rage…
Their oxygen levels run out 7 am Thursday morning – 96 hours was all they had
Maybe shouldn’t have brought the teenager
Wonder if they’ve panicked and used up O2 or remained calm, if still alive…
So much effort to find and save the crew
It’d be an absolute miracle and maybe one we need
I feel so bad for them, I do
But my go-to is to get angry when someone dies or is dying
The audacity
To die on my watch
I don’t deal with death well at all
Sometimes I go silent
Sometimes I laugh
Mostly I get angry
And then cry…
I can’t imagine being stuck in that tin can
He swore no matter what happened it was safe
Lying and gaslighting should be illegal
I fucking hate this world
Demons everywhere
No wonder I’m so miserable
And was before I was born
I had awareness
Understood language
I didn’t want to be born
All my life tragically suicidal
They’ve made assisted suicide legal in Canada
Folks getting approved for anything
Nihilistic environment
Nihilistic government
Separation from God
Science is nihilism
My heart is so heavy for them, in that tuna can
One person said, “they have no water” followed by “it’s dripping with condensation”
*rolls eyes
They all took a sandwich and bottle of water
And if the tuna can is dripping with condensation – uhm – drinky?
At least they have a toilet with a view they can’t see through
I’m not getting any sleep tonight
Bless
The ocean terrifies me
I got my kitchen tidied up and plan to shop for God grown foods soon – hopefully not poisoned
Need some comforting homemade soup
Glad to have feet on ground
And able to keep moving
Not ready to die
I am breathing deeper now, like can get air to my belly
Must focus on the gains
The fact that I can take deep breath’s again
Terrified to do anything cuz people are unhinged and insane
My neighbors make me want to commit some crimes
Without remorse
The will it takes to not snap
All these monster men killing their children and family but keeping the mom alive – for revenge
Need hung immediately
Narcissism is a plague
But these monsters need to be rid of the earth
Let’s start with Chyna
And the de-lites
Bless their hearts, the ones lost at sea
The regret they must feel
The anger
The delusional CEO is probably convinced they will be found
Probably will gaslight them until the end
It will be nothing short of a miracle if they are found alive
I don’t know what lessons God has for us here
We have freewill
I don’t know why John kept crawling in that fucking hole
“I thought I was somewhere else on the map”
“I thought it would open up”
Panic – he was thinking and he was given an incorrect map
That section should have been blocked off after two boys got trapped inside
I’m just so fucking mad!!!!
At the nurses, at the doctors, at the Chinese!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t want any of them in my feed!!!!
Give them angry looks when I’m out and about!!!!
IDGAF
The first Bible can be traced back to Asia
You think I’m gonna smile at the Devil!!!
I have fury!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop micromanaging me!
Stop hacking me!!!!!
Fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. I think earth was a frozen planet, we maybe hit another planet and was pushed closer to the Sun’s orbit, things melted – but why is this never discussed in science?
And does science take into account that objects are closer than they appear – with those mirrors they use to peer?
I’m telling you, the math is fucking wrong
The darkness can act as a mirror
And the famous speech from the moon happened on earth
Aliens aren’t real
Area 51 is where they rehearsed the moon landings
Aliens aren’t real
It’s American propaganda
Most “alien sightings” happen in America
The dumbest nation
Thanks to China
Ch ch chyna can burn in hell
For all eternity
Our enemy is Asia
And most disease comes from Africa
And white people are less prone to disease
White slavery is real
The Great race war is real
I wanna fuck them up
You don’t know the dreams I have
The nightmares….
God scares me but the Devil don’t
WEAK CHARACTERS – wake up!!!
Get right with God
The great judgment is coming…
Hell is already here
Billionaires
All these billionaires dropping dead and he thought it was a good idea to visit a graveyard at the bottom of the ocean?
Money can’t buy common sense
They went down in a little tincan “submarine” – the “unsinkable sub” – sounds like by the expert that it imploded about an hour and a half in…
So they didn’t even make it to the gravesite, I mean Titanic
Do you think orcas were involved?
I’m kinda team orca
And, they were watching it from a little TV from inside?
Hope he likes his grave buddies
I don’t really have a good solid feeling about this
I don’t have any feels at all
Dead inside
Blame the boomers
The news is all about this billionaire being rescued – when no rescue is actually possible
Meanwhile, China wants to nuke the USA
A poem or two…
When billionaires go missing
So do my feelings
But I don’t care how much he is worth
I don’t care you are butt hurt
Why are you ghosting me
Do you love me endlessly
Let the dead be
It shouldn’t be a novelty
The expert says imploded but I think the orcas were involved but what the fuck do I know?
No amount of money would get me in that tincan and go to the bottom of the sea (12,500 feet?)
Formula: feet ÷ 5,280 = miles Calculations: 15,000 feet ÷ 5,280 = 2.84090909 miles Result: 15,000 feet is equal to 2.84090909 miles
(I cheated)
So it’s nearly 3 miles deep underground
That doesn’t sound too deep – but you got the crushing pressure of the ocean
Yeah it’s a big fat solid NO for me
You couldn’t pay me a billion to go…
And they controlled the submarine with a Nintendo controller
And parts from Amazon
Surprised that thing lasted 4 times
There are some really good salesmen out there
They controlled that thing with a game controller
“Made in China”
Do you think it caught a leak and imploded?
Did the orcas cause the leak?
Did the controller die?
That was a disaster waiting to happen
China is threatening to nuke us…
Why isn’t that all over the news?
Fuck China and those little rats
People comment “God first” when I have no feelings
I serve God, not demons or man
They won’t understand
Delusional
Let’s not talk about the dead?
People think they are suffering in fear with X amount of oxygen remaining
Naw
That ping disappeared – they were crushed (maybe)
Probably happened so fast they didn’t know what hit them
An orca?
The curse of the Titanic?
Dumb luck?
The did have a little window near the shitbox
I don’t know how many red flags you need
NASA let the space shuttle implode despite 99% of the team warning them that bad weather was a no no
I remember watching hoping it would explode
It did
I’m not to blame
Just wanted everyone as miserable as me
I was 10
I’ve had many predictions come true
NASA – welp 1 person – was more concerned with image than safety
They knew the ship needed repairs
But told the civilians it was safe and like a commercial flight
Just like they took that unsinkable submarine down with a game controller
You ain’t fooling me
I am fucking gullible tho
But thank goodness I fear everything and am a land animal
I especially fear the ocean
Team Bear and Orca
Stop killing the bears cuz you get too close
God 1st
Man zero
Blame the Boomers and the demons who fearmonger and keep us in fight or flight mode 24/7
Delusional
WAKE UP
Misheard lyrics (maybe)
Somebody told me
That you had a girlfriend
That looked like an elephant
I think I’m smaller than 111 now cuz my extra small have become loose
I’m growing thinner
Maybe a bit meaner
A misdemeanor
I’m sick of being single
Invalid Date
Nitrogen narcosis
Dead roses
Lost hope like Moses
Wandering desert hopeless
Some nights we’re frozen
Like unfocused locust
We’re losing focus
Gave God diagnosis
Humanity atrocious
I guess this is us?
The depths that we cross?
Tell God all is lost?
Copyright © 2023 PoeEternal. All rights reserved.
Maybe you can access my domain and maybe you can’t.
Listen, I am the Great Anomaly. But maybe not the only.
244.
I’ve reached out to the Happiness engineers – but I’m never really happy (it’s likely also their fault why I never set up the contact page and things because I get stuck on a step and all hell breaks loose)
I’m drinking ginger currently – it’s spicy
All my clothing from Dolls Kill is fitting – and I’m feeling super cute in said clothes –
My OF ID is poeeternal77 I believe
I deleted my TikTok again – maybe for a day, maybe an hour, maybe a month
Gotta keep em guessing
I don’t pay attention to the hits incoming
I just hit delete notification and uninstall
I hope TikTok gets banned
And Instagram
And PayPal sold your identity out TWICE and then had the audacity to list you as my first contact
We’ve never communicated there
It was an anonymous thang
And like X amount of years later – first contact
I almost paid you back
But I deleted my account instead because I’m fucking psycho
And got tired of the outting and the spam emails
And then the cashapp was mutiliated – not long before Bob was
I don’t know how to spell the word and there is no other suggestion
MUTILATED mutilated
Oh well now I got it
Whatever
Fuck it
“Honey, I’m trying to spell something I know I can spell but can’t”
My mother once said watching TV with the subtitles on “is annoying” (which I need) (it’s not about the volume either)
So I no longer own a TV
My therapist says I’m polarized but the two weren’t related
Just an observation – she’s a cunt
(The Boomer mom)
My last words to her were a text message on Valentine’s circa 2017 (maybe) stating I hope she has a painful death and whatever it is couldn’t be near the pain and suffering she has caused me
And I blocked her and never looked back
Then last year my sister died
And I didn’t go say byeeee to her in the hospital
The Boomer mom will be rolling in her grave – if she ever dies
I wonder often these days should I contact the blood folks
My real father wants to know “if I’m happy”
His sister got her head bit off for reaching out to me
I ghosted my father when I was ten
People say you can’t hate your parents – so then I researched and realized that you could – not only hate your parents – but an entire generation
The Boomers
Who hold most of House
Once people die, there’s literally zero reason to hold onto a grudge
I can’t fix my dead sister and she was a psychopath so death was the only relief
“I think I might drop Cain / like Cain dropped Abel”
Because he was a fucking psychopath
She needed an exorcism and even that might not have saved her
It’s not my job to save you
You gotta save yourself down here
Stop being an asshole
I was gonna drop more poetry but I don’t have anything to type from
The phone can’t even type the letters I press
I got a hacker from India inside my phone
My modem was destroyed
I’m not hitting backspace for letters to disappear
I hate autofill – it pops up but changes to a different word
I spend more time correcting than I do writing
I don’t care if I misspell anymore!
It’s the algo, not me!
More poetry coming soon
P.S. these immigrants don’t care about you. They have invaded our borders and way of life. Stay protected! Your life matters! They are attacking females especially and doing so unprovoked! It’s seems to nearly always be a black person attacking. Black lives matter. White lives don’t. Check the CENSUS, it’s not how they are reporting. And not gossip sites but research shows many Chinese Americans and Mexican’s identify as “the new white”.
CONCERNING
Just gonna erase history huh
Wipe us out, take over
The Great Race war is real
I’m brown and white and not dissing my own race to put up another race – slavery started in Africa and is still going on in Africa and not one white person owns a slave – but black people do
White slavery exists and started with a black person owning a white woman and they condition and break us all!!! They hate us!!!!!
I do not hate white people and I’m tired of the slander against us
No one in my bloodline ever owned a slave
Take money from me for it and there will be consequence
Byeee
Gotta get this off my chest
Someone posted a tiktok of a 911 call – with a man dying and taking dying breaths
Another user commented it “turned him on”
Also Chicago was overrun by darkness
And the local cop here told me I need to move – “out of Daytona”, “all of Daytona is bad” “I hate to tell you to move” “I hate to lose someone level headed like you”
Well, I’m more reckless than anything – but absolutely still serve my country – I ain’t running away – I practice running a lot though – on my trampoline
Gotta make sure I can wind the Devil
They gonna try and shoot you from the back
Zig zag but with skates?
I don’t miss my shot tho
The Army trained me to hit moving targets 500m back
I’m efficient up to 350m but definitely passed all my skill sets
I ain’t gonna have a skill issue
I was only 4 rounds from expert first time on the 9mil
The hubby got a lot of work to do
“I gotta girl / you want to meet her? / her name is 9mm”
90s hip hop yo
Other men dying – turn men on
Uhm, men hearing babies cry, turns them on
Another weird death
This one shook me
He hung himself in a closet and wasn’t discovered for 8 months, the hoarding was so bad
I’ve never owned my own home but narcissism is a plague
Their house was so dirty, he wasn’t discovered for 8 months
He probably knew
I struggle with daily suicide ideation
Stay in the light
And clean up yo dirty house
He probably knew tho
“It’ll take them months to find me”…
“One day, she’ll open us this door and find me”
“Fuck you”
Bless his heart, don’t know his name or story or if this is even true (I did not verify)
Was reported missing – home searched twice by police – died via hanging himself in a closet – not discovered until he had mumified
Hey boo, did you know mummification was so easy too?
Apparently only 25% of women on TikTok are worthy of marriage material
I’m glad I get comments sometimes like “you won’t last on the market long”
Maybe not all are ageist
My man gotta think I’m hot in the garden dirty and 80
I wanna live to 100
He gotta help me get there
I got goals
Not dying in a closet undiscovered 8 months
Not getting gutted like Bob
Not letting an immigrant get near me
Sleeping in the lion’s den with mold
Helps
The plot thickens
I thought Bob was in-the-closet gay
But now it’s worse
I think he was bi – f*cking both the brother and the sister – but the brother was also f*cking the sister, which is legal in his country and they don’t adopt American ideology or policy or change their spots obtaining a green card
And the doctor hired the hit because he wasn’t losing his expensive, artificial, soulless Barbie because his yellow fever propaganda returned home “for a few seconds” (but the demon doll fell asleep so how could she know how long he stayed or when he left)
Do you think Netflix would buy my story?
Yes? Maybe? No? (Pick one)
People dropping rhyme in comments and I’m feeling jelly
“He came quickly”
“He came very quickly and then left”
🙂
Sounds accurate
I know I’m not well – it’s just – He left very quickly is all cuz she fell asleep so how could she know anything?
🙂
Are they Iranian? Muslim? Persian?
Now don’t be mad (you will)
But I dug foxholes in Iraq – I saw the salt lines where it had been under water – I stated “this is where Lu fell”
I was in my 20s
(I don’t condone violence but don’t they do stonings still over there)
But my kind is called savages?
Well, I’m starting to believe a Native sold us out to a white man – still MY HOME LAND
And the immigrants are doing honor killings under our policies
“Surprising details”
(They probably won’t tell and I sound racist)
(They’re demons)
(Hush now)
God loves you
Sleep well 🙂
Heart symbol
The comments: https://nypost.com/2023/04/14/nima-momeni-allegedly-killed-cash-app-founder-bob-lee-over-fight-about-sister-court-docs/
PoeEternal 