*light language involved used as a form of artistic expression and not hurting anyone*

Remember, I told you I was trying to sort out my real life because it’s priority?

Well, I might be moving to Colorado

I gotta pray about it and sleep on it and all that shit but my heart is pretty much set on going to Colorado because the mountains have been calling me and I’ve been lost in purgatory and not exactly sure the direction I want to go until I reached out to my Chaplain and now my Compass is starting to turn to that direction, which is great because I was already considering Montana or Utah or somewhere out of the south because I’m like literally fucking done with the south like I’m done with the fucking south, you know

I spent time in Colorado when I was working in the military, I fell in love with the mountains and got married to them

They’re calling me home….

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Six months is all you need to become someone new, remember? only I’ve got about five months left to make my move 🙂

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Lease is up in July and takes about 30 days to close

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I need a big big change

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Homeowner sounds nice

Being in remission sounds nice

Getting his digits before either of us move or die sounds even nicer

I just threw the metaphorical dice

I mean, I have been praying for it

Direction

A husband

Clean bill of health for my second half

I told my chaplain that when I train it’s like I’m climbing mountains, but keeping my heart rate low

Like them people in the caves when they watch their friends die, they have to stay calm or they’ll die too

But I’m not in a cave. I’m normally just on the treadmill or my rebounder. Keeping my heart-rate low

Starting to hold weights and shit over my head, you know, calisthenics or whatever because my heart is not strong enough to do things

And it’s amazing how much my body is responding to the things I’m doing I feel like I’m gaining superpowers, even though I’m just going back to the basics of what the army taught me

today I woke up and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and man it felt so fucking good to just have all that time remaining in the morning to haven’t even had coffee yet and I’ve already hydrated with coconut water and fitness and I was like “fuck it’s only 7:30 AM”

I have so much time to figure out my life when I’m not trying to fucking push out content on social media for it to be NOT EVEN RECOMMENDED IN THE FOR YOU FEED

OH YEAH

I was given no warning that it had been shadowbanned and thus the time to appeal it had expired

Oh yeah

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You know they keep over 50% of the profits you make them all the while beating you down

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I don’t need social media. I need a fucking husband.

And find a house to buy and some land and then I got to fucking pack all of my things and move across country all the while mourning the loss of a relationship with a guy I never even got cause Walmart tried to fucking kill me twice and so I’ve already ended my subscription with them and deleted my fucking account and the place I go shopping now doesn’t have any recalls at all

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And I’m currently going through my fifth spiritual awakening, that’s why 5 inches of snow was dumped on my fucking head during my blood sister’s death anniversary

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M’KAY

I also wrote a poem or two

I’ll probably share those in a different post.

when I calm down

from the constant atrocities

I told my chaplain I was lost in purgatory and running from the devil

Once I get to Colorado, I can get baptized again cause he baptized me in basic training, you know, but he would probably drive down to Florida to give me a baptism if I asked for it

I was praying for direction and guidance and I’m back in my chaplain’s life

I’m reconnecting with my aunt again

She definitely will help me in the homebuying process you know just the moral support of it as well as my chaplain who’s already involved

sleeping beauty they make it look all cute when someone’s being disassociative and a guy comes and wakes you up from some fucking spell you know, but in reality, that’s not how it works

I knew that he was everything that I would ever want and simultaneously built my wall so high before I got here. I don’t know,I didn’t want to drown someone while I was drowning but the reason I’m drowning is cause I needed him. It’s complicated whatever I’ve got to chill the fuck out there are lessons to be learned here.

I’ll be carving in the mountains your name

Maybe one day I’ll have my legends of the fall bear moment

But hopefully we won’t have to deal with anything like that but hot chocolate and a fireplace?

maybe just the hot chocolate

I don’t know if dying opened up some super awareness inside of me, but I can see all the time all around me the many ways in which you could die

The army trained me to be observant and maybe I’m just too observant you know because when I got a brain injury, it cracked open the light and I see everything now

In fractals

Isn’t it harder to breathe because I remember it being really hard to breathe in Colorado and that was before I got a heart and lung injury

I didn’t stay long enough to get acquainted. I was only there a week, but I mean I was there long enough to get married to the mountains.

The Great Outdoors are calling me

I’m dying down my social networks for a bit so I can focus on my real life, but I may bring you some updates on my blog, where I am also shadowbanned

It just means I’m doing something right because Type O Negative (a rock band) was banned from Germany and now Germany worships that band

Imagine being told you can’t perform in a country and that you’re not allowed back

or how Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t get any of his writings published because they too shadowbanned him

*laughs insanely*

I still have some of his words tattooed on me

On my ribcage

Where it felt like a crucifixion and I kept telling my fucking tattoo artist, I wanted to fucking kill her so you know

I was like maybe we should just stop here and have it half done and she’s like I’ll be done soon. I was like I need a break and I had to have been her worst client but we made it through together.

Even with my hate and all

she probably even would-of tattooed me again because we were friends forever after that on Facebook and everything you know

but I just now got back on Facebook my God I’ve been approving people from six years ago

I don’t know who’s who anymore

Except some faces are really familiar and I’m so glad to be back in these haunted halls

Some people are responding to my “oh hi” and some people haven’t even been on their own profiles in 10,000 years and other people are wondering where they’re at but I’m dropping “I’m still alive” postings anyway

Now I have you know bands that I love looking at my fucking story on Facebook and I’m like why aren’t they on TikTok seriously though I mean, why aren’t they on TikTok?

Todd Kerns, you know who plays bass for slash and Kev from Candlebox, I mean, I like this person, I once was

Trent Reznor still has me as his friend because he’s been deleting people. He’s not at his maximum 5K anymore, but I didn’t get pulled or culled

*would die*

Crosby @ VAST you know was full, but I sent a friend request. Of course he immediately approved me.

And there are others and more

This is the music i miss and adore

The people

Cev from Skinny Puppy

We friends

I mean, they know I’m alive and I’m so glad they’re fucking alive because fires be burning everywhere huh?

Kind of feels nice to be welcomed back in my own yard and have like people care that I’m there

Family, friends, and so on

I was gone for six years. They didn’t delete me and I’m gonna disappear again.

OK, some have not forgiven me OK like Alex he has not forgiven me from removing him from my Instagram or probably talking to his ex

Well he doesn’t remove me when I go follow Unfollow follow back and he also doesn’t respond to any of my comments or messages I send him even though I know he’s fucking reading them likely OK

He’s still my muse

I have no ill will

Against my great music loves

Lol

I couldn’t imagine showing up at a gig though and being banned from it like no you’re not welcome here that would be – I don’t know – humiliating and life ending – if life gets that bad for me where the musicians I support don’t want me to come to their gigs then Someone needs to come have a talk with me or something

That’s not reality though OK



I prob thought i’d be a ghost in my own hometown

People want me to haunt them

I have to try to recover my account at some point, but I’ll just wait until I completely lose access before I attempt that because right now I can still contact Mark Z.

I don’t know if him and I are friends or if I’m just following him over there, but it’s his official one and he’s responded to me before in the past you know, but I haven’t been over there in six years so he ain’t seen me in a minute, but I’ve already been active on his profiles already since I’ve been back.

U follow?

I posted “I’m here, but I don’t know for how long”

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Hard to say goodbye to ends

Likely disappear again

I like drifting in the wind

I like meeting new friends

I might try again….

I’m on the mend

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I mighta slightly begged him to return to Facebook

It’s weird though, because when Trent Reznor got off Facebook, so did I, but neither one of us really left

🙂

Symbiotic

I mean, I did ask him to marry me on his fucking message board when I was like 16 or something and he was flattered and that has to be archived somewhere with my username Delia

Things don’t really last forever on the Internet like we were told though

I was kind of being silly and asked him a serious question afterwards and he really enjoyed the music questions that I asked him, which I can’t recall at the moment and I’m sure I screenshot it it at some point, but you know where are those files

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I haven’t even met Trent Reznor yet and I worry I’ll cry when I meet him

What is he on, like baby number six with MariQueen? 7?

Life is just totally unfair sometimes

Cause I would’ve had seven babies with some guy if he wanted seven babies with me and now I’m fucking nearly dead

Cause he didn’t have fucking nearly 7 babies with me!!!!

We could have started at 13!

WTF!!!!!!!!

Stole my goTdamn life!!!!!!

Made me fucking wait until it was too late!!!!

I hate the fucking nihilism in this world, and you know I’ll be dropping all the complaints into my chaplains inbox

He still loves me after all this time

I don’t even know where I go when I get lost. I just say I’ve been in purgatory.

I think if I get a watch with a compass, I’ll feel a lot more grounded. You know honestly it’s just back to the basics. That’s what I keep telling myself.

Standing on first base

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I was in Trent’s fanclub

Bring back message boards and fanclubs

NO ADS

People were fucking mean to me on the NIN board but not Trent

All fans are mean to me cause I hang out with the bands

“I’m with the band”

I’m legit the kinda fan they want at shows

I feel them notes

Probably what brought me to this hell

Vanity

And I know that men would probably prefer if I wore makeup and dyed my hair, but there’s also the sense of that they get to see me in whatever chaotic state I choose to be in

and right now it’s

“I might be turning into a white cub”

Always a cub, never a cougar

Cuz some guy asked my age once when older (but i look so young?) and he said i was a cub still

Yep and now always

Stop asking me my age when I’m working so hard to look younger than the new generation who look as old as me already right

?!?

It’s crazy though because they’re 30 they already got rid of their sex organs and turned gray so they actually have to dye their fucking hair

And they don’t want kids because they’re fucking nihilist

“Life’s too expensive” they claim

“I’m depressed, that’s child abuse”

Whatever propaganda trend they follow – it all leads to nihilism like a black hole

We just got our hot water back and this is what I look like living through a fucking winter storm without hot water for over a week

I’m basically exhausted living in this apartment because there’s always something fucking wrong

I had the heat out for a week during the storm. I had the toilet out for a week during Thanksgiving now I had the hot water out during the blizzard.

I am not where I’m meant to be

Cancer still grows in low gravity and mold it’s on the ISS

And they plan to drop it in the fucking ocean by the way

“We don’t know why the fish are dying”

Well, for one you need to stop over fishing

And you need to start putting your biggest catch back

I’m still friends with some of my past lovers oh my

I must’ve been not that bad of a girlfriend

Cuz they married n all

And i’m still over here “single never married”

But surely they’re rooting for me?

it’s crazy how I distance myself so far from people and they’re like an email away?

A phone call?

If I could only remember?

How to keep a log?

How to not lock yourself out of your own accounts?

Don’t uninstall TikTok if you wanna reinstall it back

Luckily, I still had it downloaded on my Samsung tablet, but I had to update it so it wasn’t even in sync with my Apple one which I found that my bio wasn’t concurrent

So who knows if it’s accurate or not cause I can update it on one and it won’t update on the other

I thought we got rid of segregation, but man I mean literally what the fuck

I told my chaplain I was trying to get clean and he asked me what from what kind of drugs and I was dropping the seven sins like they were hot

I don’t drink and I’m trying to quit medicinal, but he doesn’t care that I do medicinal and I don’t do drugs

Just trying to cleanse the devil out of me

And the MOLD

People keep trying to ask me what kind of cancer I’ve got even though I’m like pre cancerous you know and mold is cancer. It’s hard to get through to them because people’s labs are fine up until they’re like stage four or some shit anyway right

I have an appointment coming up with my doctor and I may request a PET scan, but I’m not going under for anything. I’m basically denying any kind of fucking service.

My body, my choice

The VA don’t seem to understand

Cause they seem like they might start forcing vaccines on people before they enter

And then try to keep your benefits from you if you don’t get the vaccine to enter, and I can just see like a revolution happening that I’m not even gonna be part of

Like oh yeah

What’s next you gonna try and hold me down and give it to me

The millennials, Gen Z?

Try and hold me down?

Gen X?

The most dangerous generation to ever exist?

Is that spit on me?

Did you just fucking ghost me?

It’s weird being a fallen angel cause it’s like I have the keys to heaven and hell

But I wanna make it home to heaven

But i’m caught up in all these sins

Hard to explain to people I’m trying to get clean from my past

my chaplain instantly understood though you know I’m just going through a spiritual cleansing. I wasn’t sure what fucking number I was on four or five but I just had 5 inches of snow dumped on my head so I’m pretty certain I’m in my fifth awakening.

This is the Sunshine state

The second level of hell

And it just froze

*hi*

When something is so hot it’s actually cold and vice versa

You can’t tell if an object is round or flat in deep space

I watched a demonstration

I also learned that the moon landings were rehearsed by a very good director here on earth and that famous quote that Neil said actually was recording on earth because you know we didn’t have a fucking landline from earth to the moon or any sort of communication communications, you know like that

Also they drove through the Van Allen belt, but not one of them got cancer, but everybody on earth has cancer but them?

I dunno

My conspiracy knows no bounds

I got more rounds to fire

I need to get off social media so I can focus on getting my real life in order

But also, I’m nearly locked out of all of my accounts and some of that is my own fault and some of that is our governments

The New World order has been taken over

And I’m just like is there coffee or hot chocolate?

if the neighbor gave me a cup of coffee with, “will you be my valentine” written on it, the answer would most definitely be yes?

He thinks I’m running away from him, but I’m running away from everybody

It’s literally what I’m training my body for, to climb a fucking mountain and now I have a good chance to do that especially if I do move somewhere where there are fucking mountains, you know

Only, i can barely run around the block

But I’m so proud of how far my body has come, from wearing a heart monitor and being on bedrest, to packin my bags again and potentially buying a fucking house?

i’ve been approved for a whopping 300k but i DO NOT want to go that high

And I need to be able to afford the property taxes

So it might be a fixer-upper

I’ve got five months to sort shit and I don’t want to be in another lease

I think I’m gonna uninstall it again

And taking a LONG social media break

Maybe permanently like some of my friends have done

Never heard from them again

Hey, some of them disappeared so much their own family hasn’t heard from them

And yeah, they told me they were disappearing and they did pop out a couple times to say hi to me you know, but those were the last times

it inspires me to get off-line too for good

It’s big bro we’re running from lol

The politics

The arts

The science

Society

YOU WERE TRIED AND YOU WERE FOUND WANTON

Imagine getting to buy 1 to 5 acres anywhere in the United States that you wanted if you could just fucking find some direction

Of all the things someone could do with their money, you know

I feel like a SIM, just give me the land and we’ll go from there 

I just feel like any move I make is gonna be the wrong move because this is hell.

They have sucked all incentives out of doing anything in society

by the time you get your vehicle paid off you need to get another one. It’s gonna take the same amount of time so you’re just basically renting forever and I don’t even wanna play my PlayStation anymore cause if I don’t have the membership, I don’t have access to the games that I’m paying for so I’m basically just renting them forever And now I’m getting ready to sell my fucking PlayStation

I kept thinking getting a computer would be better, but they don’t even have SimCity anymore

it’s all pay to play

*yawn boring

Back to cards and board games

Playing in the dirt

Letting my hellhound stay out so long we both were getting frostbite

It was snowing in hell

I mean the sunshine state 2nd level of hell

I was in level 7

Now level 2

And on awakening number 5

Wait, something ain’t adding up

Or is it?

Could you explain dimensions to me like I’m a child?

My brain relies on signals and chemicals to navigate

People breathe in dead air and caves

People climb mountains and die from the cold weather or fall off cliffs

I just wanna start a garden. I know that sounds boring, but it’s complicated growing your own food. It’s also magical but it’s not easy work being self reliant and sufficient but it’s the life I wanna build

Upgrade to premium to remove ads?

Instant re-uninstall

The government is out of control

No NEW WORLD ORDER

I did not vote for this

In fact, the last time I voted, I was warning against Trump apparently and that was a long time ago because the last time I voted was Gary Johnson (twice)

There was an attempt to go vote for another third-party, but when I made it to the school, I nearly committed suicide so I turned around and came back home and now I’ve you know quit politics altogether and that was prior to Obama – i didn’t vote for Obama. I voted for the other guy you know – the military war vet now dead

Yeah him

Johnson was my last real goal at change

They took away our rights with the Bush signing statements

I didn’t vote for him either

I voted for Al Gore

I’ve denounced science 

I think I’m done with social media too

Like come find me in the real world in some well kept tiny little coffee shop in the corner reading spoken word

I’d still rather not read from my phone and fuck up in front of you

You get to see the behind-the-scenes in real time

The Bloopers

Or maybe I read my lines from an actual journal or book but never from the fucking phone or tablet no no probably not even a fucking monitor prompt or whatever they’re called Teleprompter huh?

if they keep cutting down the trees out here, I’m not responsible for how I’m gonna respond

They’re turning Florida into a concrete city 

They don’t clean

Florida has a mold issue

But I learned that it even grows in space so is less oxygen gonna be good for me 

All them taxes?

I want to pay my home off in 15

I still would rather buy land and put a new manufactured home on it

You can buy a brand new one starting at $43,000

that’s less than a new Jeep or ride

It’s 2 AM so technically I can start having coffee right because I’m not allowed to have it past noon and I’d probably go back to sleep at least from 5 to 9 AM but then that means I would fuck up my entire morning routine of working out but sometimes it’s nice to get sleep during that period. Cause it’s really my favorite time to sleep is when the sun is coming up And I really do.

Sleep

Like now – which i should be doing

But maybe the devil is nocturnal

This is a good time to poison him

I called my nurse again and said I was having difficulty breathing again so she refilled my prescription and I’ll be seeing my doctor soon but the VA is trying to take her from me

The one that took me four years to get to

I swear when I drop a lawsuit on the VA for medical misdiagnose and medical mistreatment, it’s gonna be a long list of female doctors

And nurses

And I don’t forget their fucking faces or names

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My new doctor slowly turned her chair around and was like “whoa” and I was like “they’re the reason I’m nearly dead”

It was the way she slow extended her hands

Like “i’m not your enemy” but my vibe is “you kinda are”

I’m probably to blame for crawling in the hole, but they’re definitely to blame for dropping me on my fucking head and gaslighting me the entire fucking time

Stop asking me what’s wrong with me OK just know I’ve got some health issues going on and it’s not contagious. You’re not gonna fucking catch it.

It’s just there’s another doctor out there that they shut up and he says that cancer does spread. It is contagious can spread and many people when they get it cut out of them that actually makes it worse. It makes it spread. That’s why the cancer always comes back you know so I don’t want anybody cutting on me and I’ll try to eradicate it with some sunshine and prayer and eat healthy and all that but otherwise I’m choosing hospice I’m done with doctors.

And seeing as I’m a really good combat medic, I will take care of my own self to the end. I will be my own hospice care in my own house wherever I decide to die because I should have that choice to be able to die in my own motherfucking home

And these people we be leasing from they seem to forget that this is our fucking residence when our name is on it and they keep coming up with all these little stupid rules on how they can invade our privacy. No, I’m fucking done. OK I’m having medical emergencies. I’m dying get the fuck out of my house. Stop with your bullshit 24 hour fucking inspections or lawsuit is coming on you too.

CALL THE FUCKING COPS

YOU AIN’T COMING IN

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GEN X OVER AND OUT

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