Would you know that Trent Reznor was never going to get married either and now he’s on like baby number 5 with MariQueen- I mean they have not stopped to take a fucking break.
I need some passion
*dies on street*
Rest easy my love
I’m not happy in my cage of loneliness. But I’m also just fed up with cheap sex, head games, and gaslighting.
I may very well be the last living creature who embodies the true free love spirit.
Ya me
*dies*
I’ve been searching for truth / and I haven’t been getting anywhere 🎵🎶🎵
Just didn’t want my love to be some sort of anchor that sinks your ship…
Mine has a few patched holes and may sink but you’re welcome to hop on board. It’s not a ship. More like some trash floating in the ocean I found to keep from drowning.
If you want some life advice?
You don’t have to live with your choices forever. And you don’t need to make new permanent ones.
You don’t actually have to sink with your ship and it’s okay to save yourself.
People grow and people change and they grow stagnant in their relationships and complacent and that’s why the love dies. You have to work at keeping the love alive and people aren’t really capable of doing that, some people are, some people have mastered it.
Love is a garden you gotta continue to water.
Stuff doesn’t make you happy.
Love is all you need?
I would really like a chance to find out. 😏
I’ve literally never been loved. By anyone. Or anything.
But hey, I recognize you. Or sorrow.
If I’m just some fling thrill ride, you don’t gotta cut my fins when you are done do you?
Can you be the one guy on Earth who doesn’t hurt me? And on purpose? Because you’re bored? Or soulless and evil?
I’m trying to find a safe place.
If you’re hurting, I’m sorry. I hope you find resolution. And peace.
You deserve happiness. Love. Fireworks. All the things.
*edit* RIP daddy. This event was you telling me goodbye. Now I know!
Huh. Weird orange hue. Why is the sky orange. Sure, the Sun is rising but…
So, I had a peek out my blinds. Still didn’t explain the orange hue. Dog must wait. Safety first.
Slipped on my flip flops with phone in hand (it’s almost ritualistic- the phone checking upon waking). Went outside.
Still did not understand what was causing the sky to be completely orange. Did we get nuked? Is there a sandstorm coming? This isn’t a sunrise. This looks kinda terrifying.
Then a huge rainbow formed before my eyes. From one end of the sky to the other. A prism of color. And then behind it, another!!!
And it almost seemed like it was inside this big bubble. The bubble verse theory I was studying.
And I’ve been reading a lot about the Multiverse Bubble theories lately and am coming to this conclusion that I’m starting to believe in it more than that ridiculous Big Bang theory.
But I do. And I’ve been trying to make sense of my world and what it all means, if it’s all going to end anyway. I am the universe experiencing itself. We all are. And so I’ve been thinking a lot about energy and how it can’t be created or destroyed.
I think about the interconnectivity. How we’re all one.
Anyway, I think the double rainbow was a sign.
And, I’d never seen a rainbow so vividly last so long.
Seconds generally.
Well, I ran out of room on my device filming this double rainbow for over 6 minutes.
I dropped the video of the double rainbow on my Instagram IGTV.
The double rainbow reminds me to keep going. That in life, the things you love may be out of reach. But that doesn’t mean that the love wasn’t felt or received. Sometimes, optical illusions are real. And even if by worlds separated, love travels at light-speeds.
I sat and watched that weird ass bubble in the sky, along with those double rainbows that arched high across the sky, until it faded and I could see it no more.
Bye daddy. Hope you had a great final gig in the sky! 😭😭😭
I hope you are well! I’m sorry I’ve been quiet in the blogging world, I’ve kind of needed a break from writing and WordPress (but not you). I wish I could put me in vaca mode, not just my email. Summer has me in outside mode (when it’s not feverishly raining) 24/7.
I want to put together a schedule for my Twitch live streams, and I’m curious to know which time frames work best for your schedule. I’ve started a poll on Twitter where you can vote anonymously, but you can also answer freely here. I am committed to streaming once a week, but I likely can stream two to three times weekly. I am on EDT, so take that into consideration.
Personally my favorite times to game are late at night or early mornings. Obviously, any time an event for a game is on-going, I will be more active. I also like to game around / after dinner time. Weekends and late evenings preferred.
I fully intend to go live outside of gaming too. For everything and anything. Maybe to show you around a park I am visiting or to read you a mindfulness book. Who knows! Florida isn’t fully open and operating yet but I’m pretty good at thinking outside of the box (I’m just terribly shy). I live in a very active touristy area. Daytona Beach is home to the famous Daytona 500 and Daytona Bike Week. We’re also famous for our white beaches and draw in all the spring breakers. We have a ton of parks around here, and for the most part, those have been reopened.
I need to start working off this quarantine weight. The gym and pool where I live are still closed. And it’s either been too hot or raining to get any bike rides in. I’m getting in a few. But I’m committed to losing this weight and getting back in shape, ugg, too many quarantine donuts and I’ve got 3 more today. *insert drool nom nom emoji*
It’s easy for you to tell me to give up the donuts when you’re getting laid. You’re getting laid and getting to eat donuts, so I don’t want to hear it. Sex burns more calories than running. And I don’t run anymore. Unless it’s to the ice cream truck in the rain. Stop judging.
Anyhoo, I’m slightly working out. I have to trick my depression into believing it’s doing something magical, because my energy done got up and jumped into a galactic black hole. Now add the fact that there is no joy in anything but eating and sleeping. And sleeping has to be drug induced, I gather eating does too. I’d literally have no energy to breathe if my body didn’t do it automatically. Breathing is fucking exhausting tho. Especially with anxiety and nightmares. I wish I could go float in the pool but no, closed. I pretend I’m floating in my tub after a half a bottle of wine.
Anyhoo, I’m kicking quarantine up a notch. So if you wanna watch me do stuff, stuff like eating and breathing, I’m getting online weekly. Yay. Stuffs to do!! And to be honest, having a schedule both excites and scares the shite out of me. I like to be spontaneous. But I also have cryptic stage fright. But a schedule makes sense in the TV world, and I understand its importance regarding return viewers. Obviously good content is important too but if I’m always going live when everyone is sleeping, I won’t have anyone to interact with.
I’d love to see my Twitch reach 50 subscribers, so drops and other in-game loot becomes available for viewers. Goals are good to have (and share).
Also, let me know what content interest you. What games are you into? Do you want to see me review games weekly? Are you into a certain genre? Would morning or night streams work for you? Weekly or weekend? Are you interested in seeing the city I live in? Are you interested in real life or gaming? I will be using YouTube live as well but that’s an entire new puppy to adopt. Feel free to email or message me privately if you prefer. Thanks for checking out my Twitch channel!
OMG y’all, this pandemic/quarantine/shutdown has left me gasping to find inspiration. I haven’t got to go to one gig this year to see a band I love or anything and that’s what I’m pretty much alive for. I haven’t got to get in my Jeep and just travel for hundreds of miles to another state to go see a band I love or a friend. Zero road trips. I’m alive for the arts. Music. Poetry. Drink. Freedom of choice. And I fought for these things too.
But borders are closing. Hospitals overflowing. Information disclosing. Opinions opposing. People exposing.
There’s been little to live for but alot to be said. And for the record, I am PRO MASK. I worked as an EMT medic for many years, in the hospitals, in the fields, and in combat zones. There’s not anything you’re going to say that’s going to defer my opinion from what the CDC is putting out. Or from what my training and experience has taught me. And I’m the kind of person that would gladly get back in the Army just to have the right to enforce that on you. I was an excellent soldier, and once a soldier, always a soldier. HOOAH. And there are medics that are actually returning to the government military just to help with this pandemic. Wear a mask. 😷
I have found some inspiration during this epidemic and that’s the amount of traffic and feedback I’ve been getting on my poetry and on my blog/ website. And for some reason it just inspires me to keep writing and sharing. Despite the terrible lows and hailing cries. Despite the unfollows and lost patrons. I am moving on. I go from barefoot to combat boots. I am both feminine and masculine. Soft and hard. Together and messy. Life is complicated. But I created my blog as a safe place to write. And I’ve even done monstrous things here but life goes on and I do not dwell. I’m evolving. Sometimes I turn into the monsters I am slaying. Hive mind. Even from the depths of hell, I can’t control all of me, all the time *gasp*. But I blame big Pharma and depression just as much as I do myself.
Sometimes I stop and commend myself for making it this far. For all the storms I’ve actually gone through, not just the internal ones, but the real ones. Sandstorms. Hurricanes. Unfit parents. Sexual, verbal, and physical abuse survivor. War. (I’d even throw childbirth in there and a rib tattoo, broken bones, sickness). STORMS. 🤓
I’ve got enough medals and awards from the military that I could fill an entire wall but nothing makes me happier than to see my blog hit FIFTY THOUSAND VIEWS. 50,000 visits to my little home on the web!!! 😍
I read through the WordPress FAQ some time ago to see if my own IP/visits are counted / included and THEY ARE NOT (though the do keep track of authors separately because you can have multiple authors on a single blog (which is why you can see yourself in the stats but if you go read the FAQ you will see that it clearly does not count towards your view/visit counts to your own blog!!
My blog has also been getting more follows too, the current tally is 834 blog followers and if I ever hit 1K I will squeal! I am a terrible blogger in that my depression and anxiety keeps me isolated, so I’m not social, but I put everything I have into the words I bring you. I’m genuine, I’m just emotionally unavailable. Maybe my soul is leaking from my pen and now you all have bits of me. I’m giving you all I have.
Your feedback and comments and support is a treasure surely and though I oft little share it in return, I am grateful for you. I’ll even protect you and take a bullet for you but hold your hand, no. Sometimes people ask me what my sexuality is or my nationality and I say vampirism. I walk the streets of hell alone, it is my duty. I cannot be sidetracked by lust and sins, be gone demons. I’ve had enough. Mine is tempered and sleeping this decade off because- Apophis 2029. I’m only interested in spiritual healing, positive energy, and mental growth. I’m dying. The end is painful but the environment must be peaceful, dig? I don’t want you in my foxhole. But near. Tell me of beauty and poetry. I’m entitled to die how I want. If they made assisted suicide legal, I’d be on that bandwagon in a heartbeat.
Depression is and can be TERMINAL. The methods for treating depression are barbaric. From foxholes to thorazine hazed padded rooms. Fuck you. My diary 2020. Bringing it to you live right now. This year so far, on top of this pandemic, I was nearly hospitalized without my permission, taken in the back of a cop car, to a hospital so my mental health could be evaluated before they decided if they were going to withhold me, for a minimum of one week (7 days), without my permission, without any way to escape, without my service dog, my phone, or even the clothes on my back. In fact, while I was waiting in a locked room, they removed all of my clothing and items and gave me a hospital gown. 4 hours later the doctor saw me and agreed I was fit enough to return home. Which was great because I had already pre-warned the cop that if I was separated from my dog I was about to turn into a criminal with a record… but also, recently as the shutdown was happening here in Florida, I got pulled over by three cops in 3 cop cars with their lights going for not doing a full stop at the sign. A tiny fraction of a rolling stop- 3 cops. And I nearly died of a heart-attack. And white privilege was definitely not rolling around in my head, more like fear, but it did help that I was a damsel in distress and (kind of cute but my dog is cuter), but I didn’t yell at the cops either, or give them any more reasons to come at me hostilly cuz they weren’t fucking around… anyhoo that was probably my 8th life out of 9 cat lives lived/used… my luck and time is running out. But also, lesson learned STAY HOME.
2020 has mostly been lows but the blog love has been a lifeboat, a lighthouse, and even a life jacket and I can breathe a little. There’s nothing worse than my freedom being threatened. But I’ve been responsible for it being threatened every time, my worst enemy is me.
Fuck defundung the police. How about giving back the rights to vote to voters who are back in society. Think about all the people in America who cannot vote because of the War on Drugs, marijuana is becoming legal in a lot of States, but there are still people behind bars for marijuana offenses. WRONG. FREE THE PEOPLE. FREE THE PLANT. STOP THE WAR ON DRUGS. WE NEED REFORM IN JAILS AND PRISONS. We need to give people back their right to vote!!! “But voting doesn’t make a difference” fuck you- IT DOES. Utilize your right to vote! Florida had on the ballot to give back prior criminals the right to vote and it passed and I was there voting on that issue, I voted yes, give them their rights back to vote, so luckily people who have gone to jail or prison over the War on Drugs at least in Florida now have the right to vote again, fucking use your voice, it works! And yes I know all about the NWO / New World Order Illuminati, I know they exist, but on a state-level voting helps.
Anyway, I’m not allowed to talk about politics or religion or even what kind of medications I’m allowed to put in my own body because I will literally lose followers and supporters… Someone out there right now is probably unfollowing me because I am pro mask and pro medicinal marijuana. Or pro-voter. I’ve lost followers for not being Christian enough. For vampire cosplay. For not being sexually available for their needs. For not giving them my precious energy or time. For showing my boobs. For not showing my boobs. I mean, all I have to do is wake the fuck up and I’ll lose a follower. Here, there, everywhere. It’s frustrating. It’s meant to hurt. It always does. And sometimes I even run off followers with a duststorm following behind. It’s regretful yes. I’ve even sent hatemail. UGGG. THE CROSS I CARRY. CURSED. Sometimes I know what caused the manic outbreaks. I’m just trying to get to a point in my life where I don’t react. Zen. I also get my Jeep paid off in October which will be my last car payment and that will bring me some financial freedom and I’ll be out of the financial apocalypse that I found myself in. Then I’m saving for a trip to the UK. VACA. TRAVEL. The thing I live for. MUSIC. BUSH. BANDS.
Thanks for reading my blog! For following! For liking and commenting! For re-blogging or sharing my work! For dealing with my anti-social behavior and mood swings. For forgiving me of my mistakes and still loving me when I make them because you see that I’ve put in effort to get better or change. For trying to listen and learn about depression. For allowing me to be completely transparent with you. For letting me decide things and then change my mind. For letting me experiment with who I am and what is art. For letting me share my sexuality without there being some form of sexual harassment that always follows. For letting me just be me and not having to give you anything in return (tid for tat). For liking me despite my flaws. For encouraging me to keep writing!! For reading my rhyme!!! There just aren’t many people who are into rhyming poetry or even that many rhyming poets left!! So I’m grateful for you! And I need so much space currently to write. I need the space to be a certain energy or vibe. I don’t have time or energy to piss away, I have so much left to say and so little mood or energy to do it!! Thanks for listening! THANKS FOR 50,000 VISITS TO MY BLOG. HOLY SHIT. I love you. 😍
Screenshot of my pinned tweet by the amazing actor, Val Kilmer who said he LOVED my handle (my Twitter name which is my pseudonym/pen name on the web and under which I write /publish poetry).
As a writer, it was cool to get a compliment about my pen from one of my favorite actors since I was 10 years old, and first saw him in the film Willow. Loved him in Batman, The Doors, and so many more movies!! I wish I could get my hands on some of Kilmer’s poetry. And I’m devastated I sold my first edition poetry book by Jim Morrison on Ebay but financial apocalypse… (it was either going to be an heirloom for my child or it was going to be loot in my tomb).
I’m sorry the audio is out of synch with the video. I tried recording 20 times, 2 different devices, restarting device & internet, still not in sync. Accepted life is messy and not perfect. Edited and posted anyway for effort and because 50K!!Amazed50K!!! Edgar Allan Poe sends his regards 😆I was up all night nearly patiently waiting for my blog to roll over to 50,000 views. This was 10 views away from 50K. And I missed 50,000, when it turned it was already at 50,003!! 🤓If you’re bothered by a little bra showing, it’s Florida m’kay, nearly 100 degrees here… no filter. Thanks for 50K!!! I luv u!!! My 50K smile 😆I don’t have just a few freckles, in reality, I have more freckles on my body than existing galaxies… For realz (just change ‘outing’ to ‘anything I said yes to’ instead)
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I’m depressed, moody, withdrawn, emotionally detached, unavailable in every capacity. People swear they get it up until they’re screaming profanities at me for how evil I am for not giving them my time (or love for that matter). I am a fallen angel and a creature of the underground, I’m not capable of love. But a monster I am not. Just simply void and numb. Sorry not sorry. SURVIVAL MODE
What does all this mean? Depression means I’m incapable of forming attachments. Or joy. Writing is my only escape. It was my escape when I was a little girl and couldn’t escape all the abuse. I wrote poetry in between classes at school. On the bus. On the toilet. And guess what? I still do. Only now I’m sharing this part of me WITH YOU. But I lose friendships and followers because I’m unable to maintain communication right now. I keep telling people I’m depressed and suicidal but it’s like wind over the ears. They still need me to provide a service for them. I cannot. I barely can brush my teeth on some days. This is not me you’re meeting but some ruined version of what I might have could of been… (and yes under all the suicidal ideation I am gentle and loving and worth saving). So bye.
“Just another lost angel”…
If you dig my writing, you can support my advertisement free blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
It was long overdue but I’ve finally updated my ‘About Me‘ section on my blog, and added a gallery with a few photos from my time in the Army plus a little back history of my life. It includes a few hyperlinks as well to additional information (like that time I applied to the Mars One project to live on Mars and actually became an official candidate). And an article about my unit during wartime.
PoeEternal 