the only thing i do not like is the high risk factor – but it is not a great flood
but a great fire
pick yer poison?
i mean the house is blue
“i thought you were gonna paint the hideous blue”
“the flames will ignore”
“well i think it’s kinda cute”
go all in huh?
it’s not quite “all in” but it is when you realize im taking on a pot of gold or dead bodies?
i got in the tub with cold feet but Sylvia was right (nearly) (and she should have took a bath instead of turning the stove) (still she was married to a psychopath and they love to steal our energy, time, and souls)
the feet were cold getting in but not getting out
and i sleep in various increments, i guess we should divorce? time for separate rooms? im loud?
it’s just i woke up wanting Blue – and that entire empire of “hmmm what is this” “where are the spy cams hidden”
(like aren’t you suppose to feel rested and less paranoid where you reside)
(i guess the paranoia will follow me through the war. i mean world)
i needed answers
i was like “literally a sign i will know is a sign”
so new numbers appeared
and i had just woke up at the “recommended sleep time” that the Insomniac coach gave me (yes it wants me to go to sleep at the times i keep waking up
but alas 222
and though they were speaking my language – i didn’t know the full meaning – just that it was meant for me (like all his lines)
if i start speaking in codes that even i don’t understand, i hope he will
because getting 555 and 222 from the uni
there are cheaper homes (hard to call a $100k dollar home “cheap”) and unfurnished
i literally have no idea how to decorate
i just know what i like and do not
and i like blue
out of the 14 homes he sent me based on all my demands
i have 3 people on my team working with me
got in the tub with cold feet but i didnt wake up that way
did you know blue was built the year i was born
i haven’t even seen her (physically) and im worried a dark colored rock is gonna steal her as soon as i do
nobody wants a fully furnished airbnb painted blue?
i wanna wake up and be that sim who has a 200k house to pay off
i wanna take a bath with the birds
but there are some amazing properties cheaper (on waaaayyyyy more land & unfurnished)
it’s just this one is “move in ready” seeing as i no longer have a pot to piss in
98% of everything i ever owned is gone
and the mold specialist called with some great tips
and i dont have to abandon my new wardrobe for fear of a “mold spore”
anyway hopes not up
prepared and willing to see more homes
if the dark rock fucks with me too much, i will get a fucking TENT
if i can still afford one after my tiny life savings was gobbled up by the Boomers to send to Ukraine and to pay for their homes on the cliffs!?! either way
remember how i told you they will back you off a cliff?
and then scold you for standing there?
if i move into another crappy moldy cockroach filled apt – with the potential of the ceiling caving in “cuz sometimes they do” (and he is “willing to come down to $1k monthly” that does not include amenities or the hoa’s for a 500ish sq ft condo cuz of the roaches tho they just “sprayed” and the unit “fully updated”
i squealed like a pig being gutted when i opened up the gorgeous brand new refrigerator and 3 cockroaches freaked out
me: “you need to spray again”
realtor who wants me to pay him $50 mo for an HOA “i can come down to 1000”
and im not allowed to rent a unit above $1200
but im allowed a fucking morg above that)
(nobody pushes bb in the corner but the boomers)
and all the houses are going for that with or without the furnishings
and i aint moving to Utah – not yet John
sorry
maybe the tub will float?
oh wait, calling for fire
but the whole of US is gonna flood but yer home eh
i mean, i hope the tub floats
sometimes if you pretend you don’t see the monsters they will leave you alone
i guess closing your eyes is a form of disassociation
im either all in or nothing at all (just a feeling)
like Florida will do what that other state just did
there are ways to fight back – without drawing blood
they may have taken our freedom of speech but not the spirit of the great eagle and what makes America so great!!!!! stop making shit so hard cuz you jelly!!!!!
they can’t take away our networking (word of mouth) and social bonds!
we werent born yesterday!
this isnt gonna go the way you want!!!!
i might could find some harmony in that tub out back
“im sorry, the owner changed their mind. nothing is for sale. but you can still eat the pizza”
the house has everything i need ready to go
i aint got no money to buy no washing machine dyer fridge stove microwave tv couch
i was coming with pillows and clothes (and an old senior dog)
p.s. im just trying to move out of the moldy cockroachy environment into a more suitable for dying habitat
it seems i may have to go all in for that
and since the boomers stole my retirement
i wont have any money to buy a stove
if a buy a house
“heyyyy ma we got a roof over our head but we aint eating!!!!!!”
but blue has everything i need right now – to move in
pro tip: everyone wants to paint their shit blue now since it is a magical color
it has a new roof age 4
it aint tin!!!!!
ill give them exactly what they r asking
per Realtor guidance
(but also my loan provider says i can get up to $2k monthly)
Boomers say i need to earn $6k a month to live somewhere without the crime or cockroaches
or go “all in” or be homeless – i mean the odds are stacked against us fully chained
im losing my own “fertility” down the fucking toilet every 3 weeks – and just like Jackie I have a hard time letting go after effort has been put in – and bless her little heart seeing the realization with the ravens visiting
she will have to leave the eggs behind for the ravens
another harvest failed
ill drop poems when i aint busy trying to save my life
dying can be long and tedious sometimes
hence “assisted suicide”
but i don’t need anyone to “assist me”
i dont want anyone seeing me “bleed down there” or out my fucking brain and nostrils
there’s already a bird bath to feed the birds
“comes as is”
and yes the VA do inspections, this is legit
if God gave you a tiny pot of gold, what would you buy?
I’m not renewing my card stash but I might cuz I found sungrown in the ground with the sun and trademarked! They tell you where the strain comes from! Florida or Amsterdam etc – there is waayyy less packaging and they treat their shop like a medicinal shop instead of recreational. Did I mention they grow stuff in the ground with the sun?
Makes a difference and it works! I still want to quit and my card expires on 4/19, right as all the good deals are coming in.
I don’t have to worry about fentanyl laced products and this is legal and no I won’t share or buy you any (get yer own card$)
Not Delta 8
I still want to quit but this is the stuff that works
Also not seen – vape pens & 2 free pre-rolls I scored
Today I turned on the radio and got lost in 90s alternative and metal doom
I was like THIS IS THE SHIT
I AIN’T DYING LIKE BOB
I haven’t used up my allotment yet and still have 2 days of potential relapse shopping to do
There went the rent money honey
(I scored it ridiculously cheap and am having a panic that I won’t be able to top up without my card)
(I’ll be racing to the doctor, help, hurry, my card expired)
(So I was trying to avoid that scenario by spending my savings)
I hate me but a little less today because the weed is working
I don’t think I’ve ever had this much weed in one sitting before but alas it’s the apocalypse and I’m trying to quit an addiction
I’m feeling less homicidal off the Curaleaf Russian cloned “the state won’t let us grow it in the ground” junk
Only 2 in that stack isn’t “sungrown” and the fact that they had to “TM” their products
Stay away from Curaleaf
I found “sungrown” at GrowHealthy but I don’t know who owns it
But I like that they have LOCAL herbs – grown right here in the “sunshine state”
I picked up another “mystery plant” today – making this number 4
He’s in the mini tin in the windowsill and already had some delicious spring water
I have 4 pots to put them in once they mature but I have no idea how to move them – and still – with directions – couldn’t make the “paper pot”
Also scored more seeds for my land – once owned. These are non GMO, USA seeds. Added some spicy peppers to my collection!
Him: what sort of things do you need?
Me: a goT damn garden
Sungrown
*sigh*
The other store was selling “head space” at a luxury price and all hydroponic crap (which made me want to gut Bob and I was like “but whyyyyyy”)
Today I enjoyed music again (with the help of “sungrown” TM)
I’m hoping I turn my apartment into a food jungle but why am I afraid of plants and all of this?
Like putting a seed into dirt, sun, spring water and watching it turn into food that will nourish me
Like woah
That’s more than my mother did
Anyhoo
Bath time and cannoli’s
I needed something to regret wasting my money on other than weed
I wish I’d hear news of your death I’d be winded Overcome with giddy You think I’m kidding?
I’d start a committee Organize their pity Piss on your city Sorrow is silly
He likes to use the word “our” But I’m not allowed in his yard At any hour The wind blows hard
I need to bunker down Spend six months alone Get out of this town Let him feel the undertow
I’m reactive Chemical explosive proactive Positive attracted Faith compacted
“Baby’s not allowed to see” Words said cruelly Cut right through me Trust left fully Got nowhere left to be
He wants me in a red bow Lingering low Black night and espresso Staggering combo
He’s not a friend He’s a one-way street To a dead end Devil called “shotgun” seat
I spend too much time and money for simple validation Guys are cheap There’s never a rose or coffee waiting But another message complaining they are aching Meanwhile, bills are paid and fridge is full – none of which they are responsible for None of them would pick me off the floor So I’m closing my own door
It feels redundant Swimming up a current I know I’m not stunning Losing’s unbecoming
I deserve the cold earth Rotting in the ground Born with so little worth Not gonna stick around
I reckon I’m gonna have to bite the WordPress hook and upgrade my personal plan to the premium plan since I’ve used up all my 6GB of storage space 🙄 and just pretend the universe is pushing me to upgrade my plan so I can have more media space to upload photos but also unpack yeti from its box to do soft poetry readings and spoken word
To be fair, I have been dying
But I will also at some point maybe be producing some subscriber only content on my blog/website instead of over on OnlyFans (I don’t do porn or self-gratification, I’m an artist and do nude photography – many say softcore is obsolete, but I’ll be offering it here on my website instead- and if someone could please teach me how to set up subscriptions on WP instead of me having to go figure it out through WordPress that would be great)
I’m already on a plan that allows subscriptions and donations, I’ve just used up all my media space and either need to delete stuff off my website or upgrade and at this point it’s time to upgrade because I’m growing aren’t I? I have over 1000 followers now and nearly 100,000 views!! 👀
So when I’m not dying and can put my head into the WordPress books I will figure out how to do the subscriber only content (this won’t be for every post, just my random spicer content)!
Not everyone wants to see my exclusive Rated R nude content but I’m tired of giving other platforms my visitors – especially when most platforms I have zero voice as an artist
I don’t want to push people to another platform when they come to visit my website
I want you to stay here in heaven with me 😇
GIVE ME ALL YOUR ATTENTION 🤩
I was at urgent care yesterday again so I don’t know how quickly I’ll be able to get stuff going but just know stuff is in the pipeline and I would like to get some more nude content out to you, it will be through my own website though, you won’t have to leave or sign-up anywhere else
I’m indecisive on what I’m doing with my Patreon account but I’ve been very grateful for your support over the years!
Because of it, my website has and remains advertisement free (zero spam)!
If you sign up for my blog posts via email, advertising will never be in your email either! Zero spam!
I may be the last place on earth that’s free of advertising 🤔
But you won’t have to worry about accidentally hitting an advertisement when scrolling or installing spyware or a virus
You can scroll freely without a condom ahem 🤪
I’m dealing with heart and lung issues since I got the vaccine – I’m still a weirdo tho and I miss doing the cosplay for you to accompany the rants, poetry and prose!
I will definitely upgrade my plan soon so I can at least start attaching photographs again to my rants and poetry
It may be the new year before I start any subscription only content!
I may do it via donation instead of subscription (like where you can pay a small fee to unlock the post)…
Stay tuned
Dying but not dead…
PSST… I have a free OnlyFans and will be active there when I’m feeling better – thank you for subscribing! My inbox is open there to say hello! I’ll let everyone know when I’m back and active! I’ll be going live over there to show you the beach and things! Softcore 🤪
Yelling at everybody on TikTok who keeps talking about the baby boomers, the millennials, and generation Z and completely ignoring the fact that generation X exist – just like my goddamn childhood – I have no fucking identity 😑
Statistically speaking, I guarantee you there have been more people who have dropped dead by suicide by generation X than of all the generations that have gone before or after
I’d like to see that chart
Suicides per generation
I bet my goddamn life on it that Generation X will have the most deaths via suicide
And I’m not just yelling at them but blocking them
Jesus was pretty angry at the establishment before he died though too
Why are you a moon behind a cloud? Exterminating the sun And everything I’ve done I don’t have the gumption to fight the blues These depths you send me to are pressurized Why do you flank my fears Have I not sacrificed enough tears? My blood thick of you And every molecule I’m stuck like glue Can you erase me from your shit list Sketch a smile or two? I do not fare well When feet are quicksand Head sinking too Your berries are poison but I ate a few Just to taste the bitterness you accrue Just to feel the things you do Why do you lead me to darkness? All these acres feels like abandonment The atmosphere tenuous Like the link of us How do you forget? Was it as quick as lightning Your exit? Still I trace your silhouette I find clues on my doorstep Was that your regret? Leaving me too soon? Is that my tears you collect? Is defeat what you accept? Please return this June Preferably by noon
If you dig my writing, you can support my advertisement free blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
If you dig my writing, you can support this advertisement free blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
He’ll die a hundred times before his death He’ll stand a coward as he holds his breath He’s never loved but that’s my guess Misunderstood and second-best
Look, I don’t think he is second-best but I believe he does and so he cowers into the man he will never be. It’s easier for him to die than it is to step. To become the man he could be. That takes real effort. Perhaps courage is what he lacks. He needs to go see The Wizard of Oz. I mean it’s the end of the world, no better time… And while he’s there I hope he gets me those little ruby red slippers.They will only fit my feet. Cuz he’s my home. TETHERED. And there’s nothing he can do about it..
No filter. All alone for the end of the world. *sigh*
If you dig my writing, you can support my blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (grateful for my patrons who are keeping this blog going): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
“Stop! What are you doing?”, he demanded an answer holding a look of shock
Her face stained with black mascara and fear so thick she could hardly talk
He kneeled down beside her, their eyes in a gridlock
“I’ve learned you are the one and now it’s time to walk the walk”
Lips connected and fate started their heart clock
A sad beginning with a happy ending. The middle is now. Unwritten.
Sad angel (selfie)Teach me that I’m worth more than my mistakes (selfie) I think people should be worth more than their mistakes (selfie) Don’t you? (Selfie, no filter)
Her wings wrought from sorrow, stained with regret
And if there’s any forgiveness, he hasn’t given it yet
If love had a mirror it would reflect his spirit
If any hand were worthy, his has merit
She wraps her wing around his heart
She prays it helps the pain depart
It is not a solution but it is a start
Even angels are known to break apart
She awaits quietly in silent prayer As she tends his heart from its despair There is no love that can compare She plucks out bad feathers showing wear and tear
She shuts her eyes and makes a wish She simmers any flames of anguish So love may again feel its warmest Where for him it was found coldest
I disabled the comment threading and sorted it by oldest first so now comments should be really easy to post and to read! I couldn’t stand that comment threading bullshit. And to other bloggers who use comment threading, I recommend you disabling it because it’s a pain in the ass just trying to read or respond to your blog post. It took me all of 30 seconds in the settings to sort it. If you need helps, let me know. It’s totally okay to ask me for help.
Also if you come at me with a metaphorical gun, I’m locked and loaded with a metaphorical fucking grenade launcher and basic training in the Army taught me how to use a real one! You might want to think twice about picking a fight with me. I have NO FEELINGS.
P.S. I’m actually one of the sweetest people you can ever meet, just don’t tread on me!
I BITE FALLEN ANGEL, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?YepsAnd if you don’t like me, GOOD. GO THE FUCK AWAYMy response when someone doesn’t like meBack when I hads a cute cut!!! NO FILTERI ain’t got no time for hoes or bitches, and yes that is a whip in my hand but also no makeups so go easy on me (and fangs of course, again I BITE)I KNOW MY FUCKING WORTH, DO YOU!?! NARCISSISM And I know I have the body and mind of a 15 year old; you don’t have to be a dick about it… and this photo is CURRENT as of the other fucking day Oh my heart, thank you for looking at me with worth every time and never taking your eyes from me when I’m around. And this here photo was from my birthday in August. These boys keep hurting me and Gavin keeps healing me. And so, peeps are making me feel worthless again and so I needed a reminder. This is Gavin Rossdale of Bush and he saved my life. And still is. Cuz look at how he sees me. Blurry, I care nots. Am loved.
Essentially, all of our lives we are trying to figure out who we are. We all wear masks, don’t fool yourself. Welcome to ego. Destination: piss poor self-esteem or narcissism. Welcome to the 5th level of hell. It’s really hard to manage your consciousness here or “self”. I hope you brought rum… (and if not, why the fuck is the rum gone!?!)
Take my hand, replace the pen with blade
Remove the smile and put on the ache
Close my eyes and pull down the shade
Memories are better when they fade
Take the ink and spread it on my pain
Ensure the tears are gone without a trace
Organize regrets and hide their face
Erase the love that’s written on the page
Say amends but never say goodbye
The space so far he’d never hear me cry
If I could take his pain you know I’d try
And if he ever wrote I would reply
I live in the words of how another sees me
I live inside the bruises of past enemies
Ex-lovers chain me to memories of who I used to be
Held to the past of visions I am now blind to see
Many with offerings of second chances
But none offer a dime to help with my finances
I’ve been under their rule and cancelled the classes
That girl died when I removed her tinted glasses
I had to untangle the worry where it had knotted
I had to prune the weeds where my heart had rotted
I had to learn to dance where my memories were haunted
I had to hug the parts they all said were unwanted
I may be alone but I am not desperate
People may change but I’m still a skeptic
I may be tame but I’m growing restless
I may be weak but I’ve never been helpless
It is true I’ve taken many lovers
My past is filled with several colors
Regrets have visited over many summers
So much wasted time for a love still undiscovered
You’ll find you’ll hardly make it out alive
You’ll find you’ll hardly make it out in time
You’ll find him hidden inside my rhyme
You’ll find she’s rarely ever cross your mind
You’ll find you can see where you were blind
You’ll know where to find me if so inclined
You’ll find me in jail where my hearts been confined
Though uncoupled we are still aligned
Our souls in orbit just as designed
Cut the ropes to your past and leave all behind
There’s a place that I keep him, safe off the shore In between my broken heartbeats Where my mind can reach for more For a moment felt in sync Like I’ve never been before Familiar yet still strange Like my soul had washed ashore Finally found a break For peace instead of war
I wish I could pull him in
Give him a kiss
Or free him of sin
I wish it wasn’t like this
I’m not even sure what I miss
I keep running back to his abyss
His energy is kinesis
He doesn’t need us here We circle like a sphere We gather atmosphere Into his space we steer His distance isn’t near He’s more than a light-year His silence we all fear My soul still sent out a flare
His absence I can’t dismiss At war with his own violence Alone in his own silence So lost and without guidance Impenetrable like a diamond But love doesn’t require science And so we all persist – Even though he doesn’t exist
Why send an invitation if it’ll just be declined
I want to be seen but I stand with the blind
Every rejection makes me more aligned
I still look confused though I’ve made up my mind
You warned you were bad but you are the worst kind
Oh teacher, oh teacher why’d you leave me blue
Another desertion what more can I do
We barely had started but now we are through
I may have been late but I can’t outrun you
Give me the full movie not just the preview
If you are the tide then I am the pebble underneath the soaring waves
You shape and move me in the most beautiful ways
I could get lost under your current for several days
Gone off radar though your path is one that saves
PoeEternal 