And yeah, I had to yell at my nurse to take this shit seriously and not give me the common side effects listed by the CDC.
The illuminati own Big Bro and Big Internet
But it’s nice to finally start finding some articles that haven’t been paid or promoted by the CDC or WHO
It’s by some miracle I’m still alive.
I was fucking dying that first night you came to see me.
My BP dropped because it had to carve a new path to work.
My BP keeps dropping because those Moderna shots have fucked me up.
The only reason I’m still alive is because he did come to see me.
He put me in some sort of trance.
He removed my fears and took my mind (mostly) from the pain.
And I was telling him, “I’m sorry my energy levels are so low”.
I’m fucking dying
👀
Wanted to watch the sun go down on the beach Friday night and I thought it was gonna be my last because my body core temperature started dropping so low that I could no longer sit on the sand.
I was so lethargic I thought I was about to just lay down and go to sleep and never wake up and it was really scary to think that I could just die right there with all those strangers around and so I immediately got up and went the fuck home and got in my bed and back under my fucking heating pad because I was freezing. By 8:30 I was back home in bed on a Friday night. Lame 👀
Wednesday after freezing under my heating pad for 3 hours – I took a solid hot bath – 10 minutes into that hot bath my skin felt cold as a dead body.
I might die from this.
It’s a miracle I’m still alive.
I’m bonded to him and it’s not because he bought me pizza – but he did buy me pizza and now I’m his wife.
He’s stuck with me.
👀
That’s the rules in an apocalypse.
You buy her pizza and she’s yours.
👀
(I feel closer to him than anyone in the entire world and I don’t know who he is)
👀
And I’m currently that salmon swimming upstream.
I gots to find my mate before I die
(I was meant to have another 40+ years)
*warning* If you have underlying health issues you’re playing Russian roulette if you get any of the vaccinations
1984 is now
Stay woke
Because I can barely keep my eyes open due to extremely low energy levels after receiving Covid vaccinations
He moves through me like rain pattering Thunder rumbling Dim lights reflecting from wet pavement A calm serenity in the early A.M. The soft sound of a match flicking An in your face, after hours, door down kicking
He gets me thinking Every atom increasing Over wide expanse To find me dreaming
Sometimes silently screaming Can he even hear me? Why am I always seething? The endless bleeding Month after month He’s all I’m needing
Come back to me The garden is empty now There’s nothing to sow
Twisted twigs removed of thorn Every step is filled with scorn
Blood and rust becomes the norm Evil’s made and evil’s born
The sun will rise tomorrow true But she won’t give a fuck about you
I’m not where I’m meant to be I’m forgetful how You said you’d never desert me in vow
When you’ve been given the hand as a pawn So you shake the tree to see how hard a king could fall Because death follows you all around And fits your head like it’s a crown
Tell them I died of inexperience Disappeared into dust and this Nothingness I am delirious Feasting on nefarious Darkness Arrest bliss So restless
Half dead Half alive Feet dragging in circles But got throttle to survive
I’m scared And I have no one to tell My orders they aren’t in order And the place looks like hell
I keep organizing disorder In clusters of equal color And piling to the ceiling The clippings of my horror
But then, falling to a clutter Every single note he said I found it in the gutter Where all my tears flood instead (And fears instead of wonder)
I play slip and slide in the mud A word I rarely utter With thunder lightning mixed with blood With prayers less to suffer
Wrapped in heated wool and fear
Coyotes yipping at me to stay alive Or to die I can’t tell a difference half the time
The fog is thicker But my heart is wearing thinner And I’m sick of winter Freezing in the sun My hope’s a killer Stealing every grain of fun And he made fear a winner
The heart isn’t waterproof And my anger Is lit up like a sunroof I’m in danger So I’m acting like a goof I will hold your wager And toss it off the roof While you call a stranger Thinking they can protect you
👀
If you cringe at everything you do or say Maybe it’s because you are corrupt in a way?
I need a break from routine From sunup to sundown 24/7 The constant dying The endless trying One moment to another More yearning and crying
Tidal distortion Everywhere he’s been Pulled from proportion He’s good at sneaking in Speaks in third person Night is on his chin
I got blood on my favorite shirt Tell my heart it’s not the reason we’re hurt I cover wound with a bit of dirt I can’t recall when I wasn’t this burnt
Why did you leave? I ripped my heart open for you.
We need a heat source Heat is life Get me to the light (Warmth is nice)
He went like a wave And I caught in undertow
Give me a box To store my bones Let me have peace They’ll find a home
Everybody unhinged Don’t give a shit On anger we’ve binged So full of it I’m bright, I’m lit
I’m always last at the end of a road The last in line Last picked My house is cold
Two days go by It feels a year My hope runs dry But not these tears
Did I not wait with contempt As the hourglass filled with time Every grain of sand with you on my mind Was I ever worth an attempt?
IO
How can a moon erupt? How long ‘til I give up? Will volcanic ash spew in the wake of my dust? How can a moon corrupt?
He makes me desperate Feeling as if I am his least favorite But then he comes from comets swinging giving me the greatest gifts His words and his virtual kiss Then I forget I’m not his favorite
I called to him under darkened sky He arrived in a meteor shower With desire on display
Feeling like I cannot take a breath Or if I do, maybe it will spell death All these tree lines, they have marked my wrath Telling the truth, that’s my only path
Doc says my EKG doesn’t look good. And I’ve been having heart issues lately. She says one chamber looks enlarged and one looks closed off. Just an FYI because not all disabilities are visible. Depression isn’t my only ailment. I hope you’ll excuse how shitty I look, I’m on bed rest and between doctor visits. Wanna get back to working out and cosplay soon – But I just received this news this morning about my EKG results and I’m still trying to process the news. I just returned from seeing my doctor and I’m pending being scheduled for an ultrasound. She started me on aspirin as well. She said I’m too young for this and she doesn’t like how my EKG looks.
I have a constant pain there too – knowing that it could potentially be because it’s a chamber torn is freaking me out. So I’m trying not to get into my head and into my anxiety.
So to sum things up, two of the chambers of my heart are questionable and of concern for my doctor.
I have been having chest pains and I can feel pressure in my heart. Sometimes I can feel blockages or like maybe I have blood clots.
I don’t have the heart to tell you that I’m dying
Regret?
Yeah.
Only one thing I really want before I die.
His kiss.
And a box for my bones.
I had the bullets in the chamber though didn’t I
Moderna was Russian roulette but the CDC hadn’t released the information regarding blood clots and I know it’s happening in Moderna too, I mean I’m fucking proof….
I was complaining of heart issues and potential blood clots with my doctor and she prescribed me aspirin but I’m convinced now Moderna is to blame.
There’s always going to be casualties of war.
I told you I was out here in the trenches didn’t I.
Didn’t I?
So now I’m telling you don’t get the fucking shot if you already have heart issues and are experiencing blood clot issues unless you want to play Russian roulette with the vaccine and blow your fucking heart out like I’ve done
I didn’t know the vaccine was causing blood clot issues prior to me getting dose one and and all assured I was good to go for dose two even though my blood pressure fucking dropped.
Woo hoo hold on BB!!! The end is near!
Check make for the New World Order because they won’t have to pay me any more if I fucking die
I won’t be a fucking crutch on the system anymore will I
More money in their fucking pockets to play on the fucking yachts
Casualties of war!!!!
The unknown soldier!
They got me!
Knocked out whaaaa 40 + years of my life? With a fucking vaccine I knew was too fucking new and risky to do.
I FUCKING KNEW
*tries not to go fucking crazy and destroy everything in my home that I’ve worked for
*tries not to jump off a fucking bridge
Moderna is to blame and my shitty eating habits during this fucking quarantine
Modern medicine don’t mean shit if you’ve lost your will to live
Or can’t even get into the fucking VA for a fucking ultrasound when you got two chambers in your heart fucked up
Moderna IS to blame
Oh and now we can gather in small crowds with people vaccinated and unvaccinated like fucking Russian roulette.
👀
I just threw away 40 years of my fucking life over a vaccine
If needle and thread I am ivory instead Got fusion in lead Can’t forget what you said Can’t get words outta my head Wish I wasn’t feeling dead Then I wouldn’t feel this dread I’m so lonely I’m avoiding bed It’s like I’m looking at my own death Exhaling cold breath And more skin to shed It’s like I’m looking at my own bed
This way to sorrow This way to despair This way to desolation This way to nobody cares
Was that your shadow leaping over my dream? What were you thinking while abandoning me?
The system is rigged everywhere Just leave me where I fell
The world is a drainpipe There’s not enough pills to gaslight It’s a battlehill And you make me ill
Was your vein not thick with poison Blood curdled and coagulated I pulled out every thorn Your heart turned into a floodgate
I need 1 sun-moon cycle where I’m not disturbed 24 hours of peace preferred
How easy he would come to me But what would he find? Scars and bits of broken pieces Unfiltered creases The ugly kind?
I don’t care about your joyrides Or do I?
What will I be known for? How I died? Suicide? But never the reasons for why I cried?
Dear Mother,
You only taught me how to suffer
Didn’t I write words of worth When you were nothing more than a speck of dust When any sun would bring you dirt I took the pain and made it work When all the world thought you a jerk I drank the blood and made you smirk When you were nothing on this on this earth I turned your no into a must
Drowning on rage Too much air in this cage
Warning signs were posted I suppose they go ignored He was a Japanese suicide forest And hope unexplored
How much times passes while you collate? Working around the second hand What kills the ache? Was it your best move? Or the worse you’ll ever make?
Harvest my disgust It’s fully ripened Polish off the dust You’ll find a diamond
Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).
Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.
And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).
“Suicide comes in three”.
But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.
We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.
So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.
But then there’s an actual fear of dying.
It’s complicated.
And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.
I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.
I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?
I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*
I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.
I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.
So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.
I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.
And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.
They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.
This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.
God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.
Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.
I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.
I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.
What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????
Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.
My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.
I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.
And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.
I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?
And this was directly after a sold out show.
Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.
Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.
I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.
Too much.
Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.
I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.
Too much.
It’s a pink crystal for health and healing but I can’t find a quiet zone anywhere, at any time, to meditate. Manic.
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No matter what step I take, it’s always the wrong one.
I never had a proper upbringing, I guess I won’t have a fucking honorable death either will I?
I’d be lucky to have 7 people attend my funeral (like dear Edgar A. Poe) and I guarantee 5 of em’ will be my enemies there to celebrate my death and piss on me.
It’s a good thing I’m going to fucking drown myself in the sea.
Problem solved. And 1 mysterious death in bound.
Checkmate.
This time, I AM GHOSTING YOU.
Scouting an old cemetery in Florida yesterdayWent exploring an old cemetery yesterday in an attempt to do an upcoming cosplay shoot. It took my dad dying for me to learn that not everybody gets a tomb or a grave. 👍
I’m going through some heavy shit right now (alone and during a pandemic) so if you’re out there punishing me… 👎👎
It’s not even called a cemetery, it’s called a mount (a hill). I walked up that mount yesterday looking at tombs that have been destroyed with time and hurricanes, some abandoned and others well kept.
I don’t know why I assumed that everyone got a tomb when they died, but they don’t. Ash become many in the wind.
I still have a lot to learn about death. Realizing my dad wasn’t going to get a tomb after how he died was a big fucking light bulb.
My dad had been dead for days before he was found and you don’t know what that sort of information does to a human being.
And then reading how Edgar Allan Poe’s families just tossed him in an unmarked grave in a fucking box ho ho ho.
So life sucks. Dying sucks. And death sucks too.
When I was a kid me and my grandmother would travel around and visit different cemeteries and look at the tombs, seeing entire famalies buried on the same day, and imaging how they must have died. Sometimes she would catch me in the hole of where someone had been buried but was moved due to racism and segregation which still occurs in Mississippi. She thought it weird but I liked the smell. I still like to wander cemeteries though, reading the tombs and visiting the dead.
But it seems being buried is for the rich. And eventually Earth isn’t even going to exist. It does my mind in.
You’re a slave, Neo.
I don’t have anybody to love me while I’m alive so why can I assume that there will be anybody to love me when I’m dead…
I don’t know if I can endure another X amount of years of existence being invisible or soley alive to pay bills and be nothing more than a toy or sex object.
Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.
Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.
I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.
Not everybody wants me to die.
FYI.
Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).
We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).
I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.
I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.
I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?
I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.
Tacos. I desire tacos.
And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.
Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…
I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.
I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!
I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!
I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.
And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.
So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.
I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.
I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.
But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.
I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.
Hormones.
I’m moody. Edgy.
Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.
It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.
I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.
I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.
I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.
Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.
Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.
Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.
Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!
Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.
Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?
Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!
My official boarding pass for the upcoming rover landing to Mars. It’s also nice that we’re starting to have more successes landing on Mars than we are failures. Which might account for the planned manned missions. Woit. Gotta stay alive for this. Right? This is the kind of roses that makes me really excited. Lifeeeee universe nerdy things 😍
Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. 😊 He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.
And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/
I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0
And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…
Please sail me out to eternity on your word You said no one would listen but I heard Death may be approaching but soul stirred I’d give it all for just a third Please let me feel where life occurred
Death and dying brings out so many emotions. When facing mortality, those big questions on the purpose of life come about, and often the non-religious will find comfort in religion. A lot of atheist will find God in the end and this actually happened to one of my favorite bands, Peter Steele, who found God in his end. You can watch videos of him talking about it on YouTube and read about it in articles. I still have a hard time listening to Type O Negative since Peter Steele died and they’ve been one of my favorite bands since I was 16. He was only 48 when he died. I’m 42. Welp. This is my last decade. I will not make it to 50. At this point surviving 2020 will be a fucking miracle.
I still don’t know if I said what I was trying to say because I was busy crying and blowing my nose.
I was trying to say that you saved my life and gave it meaning, when all the world had shunned me away on my darkest days.
I was trying to say something like, ‘you were there for me in my end, so I’ll be there for you in yours’ (whether by faded memory, poetry, or physical form).
Slept in me makeups and then washed it all off with me tears.
When you think that your life doesn’t matter, remember that you made mine matter. You gave me sight and purpose. You opened my soul. You saved one of God’s precious angels.
I can’t write like the greats but we are definitely a modern day Romeo and Juliet. 😭😭😭
Wait… Except, nothing you write is for me so just forget everything I just said… brain injury > fantasy head
You make me write the most ridiculous, mushy poetry though. It’s all relative (see what I just did). You matter.
I forever heart you.
If this damn disease doesn’t kill me something will. I just wish I could be hearing your stories in my end, or at the very least, your heartbeat (with my head on your chest as I take my final breath). Not asking for much, am I? 😫😭😭😭
If this is your first time coming to my blog, I’m pretty certain I have better pictures and videos of me than of me crying. But whatev.
My writing career is going to go one of two ways, either I’m going to keep doing it or I’m going to pack it all in. If you’d like to support me, you know where and how. I’m still past due on bills and need to eat but whatever.
An ocean of longing and salt linesTears are translucentStill need you tho I waded out too far
I love u. What’s a girl to do? Been crying for the one since I was like ten. Cuz life is shite. But it’s like we’re world’s apart. 💔
I’m in the deep end and I’m caught in the tide!!! 😰Trying to learn how to live and breathe without you. Not doing a very good job 😭An ocean of sadness. The end is all inside us.
It’s a weird place to be Not with, not without But if you drift into the big sleep I would stop existing It’s without a doubt Like leaving the galaxy I couldn’t breathe So I shout How could you leave? Abandon me? You’re all I need
I love you in any realm, all over Earth, and this town. When I’m up or down, sideways, or stuck in a frown. From east to north, and all around. From the dawn of creation, down to your noun. You overwhelm. But I am bound. Circling and circle proud. Pulling eights from the cloud. I say it loud. Unroll it, light the ground. For life is better, where you are found.
If only forgiveness were easy asked and demons were sleeping
How many ways can you spell I love you? Are you tired of hearing it yet? Does the universe give you any signs? Are you awake, are you alive? Are you listening?
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If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone.
Will you be there to watch your mom die Or will it be by the hand of suicide Years and years of these trials Hard to keep you by my side Took a chance once or twice And might succeed tonight – oh son!
Some call it paradise But it’s a parasite Understand what living’s like It’s like your under knife Want a hand to get it right Don’t leave the world a fright – oh son!
Accept that life is might Don’t have the heart to fight I wear this sadness tight Like a rope in flight Sorry’s nowhere in sight And I’m alone, alright! – oh son!
Y’all, I’m fine. It’s a song I’m writing, and I wish I could get the melody from my head to my guitar and my vocals. I also wish I could write a guitar solo from the tip of my tongue the way David Gilmour can. I can’t. I know maybe 4 chords. I can’t evenwhistle.
I’m sharing my struggles with you. Because there’s a 50% chance I might not make it out alive… dark times.
Depression is when every part of you wants to give up and roll over but you crawl on, in agony, anyway.
Some escape this despair, for other’s it’s terminal. There’s a 50/50 chance for survival. You’ll need rigorous response to recover and live with depression. Currently, I’m trying alternative treatments and therapy. Stuff doesn’t always work. Sometimes I become immune to treatments. Sometimes I disappear for days and no one knows where I am or hears from me. Sometimes they force treatment on me, throw me in rubber rooms, where it takes 6 people to hold me down just to shoot my ass up with Thorazine. Regardless if you go voluntary or not for in-house treatment, they will take all your clothes from you and your phone, you can’t have any of your books, but you’re allowed the Bible, you can’t talk to anybody, you can’t read magazines or listen to music, because there’s this underlying misconception that “stuff” can make you better.
And then no one wants to admit to having mental health issues because you get called “crazy” or other demeaning terms,and often the closest people around you, will use those terms against you when they are angry.
If you are struggling, I’m not going to say it gets better, because honestly, it gets worse. Depression isn’t about how much money you have or fame, it doesn’t care if you are broke or rich, and that’s why rich people die from depression too. But these things can be symptoms of depression. Depression can come about just because it wants to. It doesn’t take a death, or job loss, divorce, or any other event to be depressed. That’s why you shouldn’t ask people, “what do you have to be depressed about?”. Depression is a mental health illness, you’re ILL. You might need meds, therapy, short or long term treatments. It’s not your fault that you are ill. You are not alone. Hang on.
Edit to add: Sometimes depression is environmental so it doesn’t always require therapy or treatment. Sometimes it requires a change in your environment or situation. So don’t always assume a pill can make something better. And don’t push big pharma on others or make demeaning comments like, “you haven’t taken your medication have you”.
Hellos. I’m fine despite dark thoughts swirling like a nebula. Depression.
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PoeEternal 