I never know he’s watching, But, I’m hoping, I’m hoping on, the rope that’s got me choking And tighter yet, the courage it takes coping When hanging from, the thread he strung, starts croaking And tighter do my hands become from groping Regrets like knots, have kept love from corroding Swaying bound, his eyes slowly approaching Enlightenment may be found with both eyes opened
Every tear begs to forget of his existence My heart still fights but I wish for resistance The longing now just feels like a sickness When love came about he left with a quickness
It’s like privacy becomes a crystal ball Yet who I am he doesn’t know at all Take his hand you’ll be sure to fall Will break your heart then hide behind a wall
Courage no it’s not a look for him Forgiveness now is looking very slim He haunts my heart like a phantom limb Show him light and he will show you dim
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He says she’s perfect as a rose Pink is her flesh where she climbs and grows But does he know how deep her thorns can go? He makes her petals spread wherever he goes Her blooms so wide beg for control
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Maybe if he understood the need How longing is growing like a weed And in between the distance and the stars that truly listen I know he’d rather have me in the lead
Maybe if I took the time to plead And nurtured space like it was a seed The stuff that would be growing is the energy in knowing That fate will come to help us both succeed
Petite little thingSmall but mightyBroken yet whole No filter version me Have you joined my Patreon yet? What’s stopping you? Sign up is quick and easy!
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His words cover me like body paint The vowels flowing leave me faint Erasing darkness with a stroke of fate And momentarily how it’ll ease the ache The distance closes just an open gate A place where longing comes with no mistake Just one more rhyme is all it’ll take Forever his in the words we make
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The light cast a web of shadows and doubt Losing time trying to figure it out Forging through worry with rarely a shout Aging like oak and bitter like stout Hardened inside with lines showing drought Incomplete circles with no love about Roots growing weaker with every new route Clinging to hate though loving devout Feeling so lonely while lost in a crowd Busting down rules where I’m not allowed Wishing for once I hadn’t figured it out The trouble with eyes they come with a mouth The problem with fate it comes with a vow I’d gift forgiveness but I don’t know how I’d run today but I am still bound You’d look away but you’re still around Looking in others what we already found Feeling uneasy but knowing not what to do now
He traces over my body
Exploring every freckle like it’s a galaxy
He speaks in mountains of sighs
He travels through my valley’s
Through my depressions and my highs
He lingers near the alley of my thighs
He catches every heartbeat when he looks into my eye
And gentle is the hand that never says goodbye
The shape of you Appears in a dream Like a butterfly of hope Encasing over me Like the colors of a rainbow Love flows in through a stream And nightmares of us ending Break away at the seam Pictures of us together Paint a different theme
Back to where I started
Love evacuates for the broken hearted
Now assembling all the shattered pieces
Fuck forgiveness, I have a grievance
Hopeful is the day I’m laying in a plot
Worry is the love now tangled in a knot
Forgiveness is a treat and I never have that much
Love is the answer but you’ve clearly lost your touch
Rewind, fast forward, start again
All I wanted was a friend
I found myself within your world
I guess I’ll always be that girl…
The crest on my chest
It means faithfulness
Loyalty cannot be bought
But it is hard fought
I loved you whole didn’t I
So why the blood no matter how I try
I am stuck at your crossroads
In pieces and fragmented shadows
Over and over I go over this lesson But no answers tell where the pain will lessen Just as I’m stable you throw another grenade I’ve been wounded in ways you can’t hurt with a blade
Lost may you be but I love you the same Hate is your hand but love is my aim Stuck in quicksand and on a frozen route Clouds of confusion but still love you devout
I suppose it’s more than a name, more than a code of honor, more than a tattoo…
Loyalty and faithfulness, it doesn’t really mean anything this day and age…I live in the minority… (but Faith is my middle name)There was a time long ago when a name meant something… Loyalty is about as rare as my smile…How many more stones are you going to toss at me? Dead again…
Why doesn’t he care about me I wonder
Why does he fill my heart with thunder
Why does he disappear and I step with blunder
Why can’t I ever be his favorite number
Where does the sun hide when it goes under
Would he be interested in me if I were younger
Will his disease always keep him a runner
Can he crawl from his dark and squeeze into my summer
Your voice takes me to planets unknown to me Emotions are an endless sea Give me more to stay floating I need all of your energy Like a sun on fire it’s burning I spin and keep yearning Set my spirit free
Satin today
Tomorrow blade
A mask won’t hide his thoughts away
Closed doors to me are an archway
His absence is saying come my way
His distance is sky for my parachute
His bitterness to me is the sweetest fruit
I’ll put it on my tongue and savor his juice
His walls to me are just another route
Dirt was made for digging tunnels
Demons fall bored so may cause troubles
His desert to me is an open jungle
His masks to me are just more popped bubbles
Stuck with me on planet Earth The deeper you burrow, I value your worth The more you plummet, I feel your girth The more you love, the more I curse
Growing taller as I grow with fear
Shouting louder, before I disappear
He’s like lightning striking where I stand
He’s a viking with an iron hand
Defending hollow ground with all his might Filled with lust and left without sight Love is his sword, he’ll insert the blade Deep is the longing but there can be no aid
He’ll tell you a story while he watches you bleed
He’ll lick your wound like it is a seed
But give him more to ease his shake
He’s growing strong while more of them break
Needs they are a plenty Goes for girls that cost a penny Ghosts roam his oasis Masks are his only faces
He doesn’t have a rose; yet he’s collected every thorn He doesn’t make a sound; though he’s louder than a horn He doesn’t have a soul; but I feel that we are one He never steps my direction; and long may he run
Twisted around his finger he has me wound
Like a string, pluck a note, make a sound
Up and down my neck his finger’s bound
Stretching fingers’ out ’til scales are found
Turn the volume up so cries are drowned
Make her beg for mercy where he’s crowned
Dig into her flesh a calloused frown
Teach her that there is no love around
Practice through the night ’til finger’s raw
Make her wish you never met at all
Polish over wounds until they thaw
Making sure she’s crawling down the hall
First there will be pleasure then a claw
Seeing things you’d rather never saw
Open wide fist inside your jaw
Safety here never was a law
Please give me back the me that you stole
Please give me back the me that you control
Please give me back the me that makes you whole
Please kill the rest of me that you left cold
I need a gentle lover who is tough I need a firm hand that isn’t rough I need him to give me more when I’ve had enough I need him to remember I do stupid stuff
Always pain but never pleasure
The misery goes without measure
Found his love like a buried treasure
If I were to hate him, it would be never
Underneath that makeup her life is a wreck
I watch her dance with a noose tied around his neck
It seems he’s in a hurry to bounce her check
And if I’m ever seen, I must look a tiny speck
Does he know I’m different from other girls
I’ve never even owned a set of pearls
Where is the direction his love unfurls
Put me underneath him where my spirit swirls
Wish I could take his face in my hands gently, look him in the eye, and touch his nose with my nose… and then maybe he wouldn’t stay mad at me for being stewpids. That’s how I want to say I’m sorry to you now.
Is there a place in your heart nobody has been?
Will you take me to it and when?
Has real love ever touched your skin?
And when you’re done with lust can you trade it in?
Is there a hand that ever loved you true?
Because, I’ve got two that can love you through,
Baby, you were made for me, and I for you.
And when our hearts connect, life can pursue.
Have you ever found a home in a soul?
Has anyone ever made you feel whole?
And if I were to give you complete control,
Baby, just tell me, when can I enroll?
His eyes are tunnels to my soul
Oh beautiful boy, one glance turned my heart to putty
The way you rush in makes me whole
Oh honey, you make my blood hurry
Like a hot fire on a frigid night
I howl and ignite
My desire and longing spans the ends of space and even that reach does not quantify my love for him. Which, is why space is infinite, oddly. Coincidence? Nope. Science and love are hard to comprehend at times, and that is where faith comes in. Sometimes, you just gotta believe… ❤
I was in search of healing
My wings damaged, my knees in kneeling
A war with a monster, I never was winning
Narcissism will keep your head spinning
I was cleansing the root of my soul
I was tossing those sins in a hole
I was stitching my heart to feel again whole
And a couple years passed would you know
But one day there he was, I noticed, oh yes, I noticed His crown dragging behind his feet, it was a bust I’m not sure if it was his sin or a thick layer of dust Maybe it just hides behind a wall of his lust
I heard him mouthing words from his tongue like thunder Such fury, where does it come from, I still wonder Crashing down curiosities is where I fell under I slipped into his words, then love, and I became her
I remember the day I left him a compliment
I thought it was a bomb the way he responded
My hand was bitten and he was so blunt
I still stick around but he is on the hunt
Sometimes I would find pieces of me in his words The dinner bell rang and we rushed in like buzzards Little seeds of hope we would nibble like birds There may have been red flags but we ignored all the hazards
Like favorite pets except for me
I come around, he gets angry
But I still don’t know how to leave
It’s impossible, I love him you see
Does he hate me because I see through his mask, or because I see through his mask and still love him? Maybe, just maybe, I’m not a bird he wants to eat? Or does he hate me because I stole her shoes? I’m not giving them back, they fit my feet and I have tiny feet. I found my missing slipper, gosh dang it, he needs to get over it. They’re mine now. MINE I SAID. Just like I belong to him, he just doesn’t know it yet. He is lost. But I found him so I’m hoping he’s only half lost now. Knock knock, Neo, it’s me, the one…open the door
I am changing, but can others see?
When looking at other pictures, that cannot be me
Spent a lifetime trying to figure out who I was and now I am free
Free from all the locks and chains where I never had a key
And while there is still sorrow, I am an open sea
I am drowning on my back but I am floating carelessly
Underneath, the pull of the current A shark is circling with massive courage And dark is the sky and my eyes keep burning And long are the lessons we never are learning Life will drown you if death is a burden But I will fall down loving him, one thing is certain…
How many of you would watch Survivor CBS if I got cast on it? It’s a possible “what if” cuz I’m actively auditioning for it. ALOT. 3 auditions in 1 year with a 4th incoming! I keep blowing my auditions & casting calls, I gotta ace this 4th attempt!! But, the very first rule of Survivor is never give up! And I ain’t! I am more determined than ever to get on and show these players how this game needs to be played!!! It’s THE BEST GAME ON EARTH. GET ME ON THE SHOW, PLEASE RECRUIT ME SURVIVOR CBS!
I can’t tell you how badly I want to play this game…yes I can, I can go on and on and on cuz, GOALS. (It’s not about fame, that isn’t my objective. I want to be SOUL SURVIVOR and go home with that million-dollar prize). It is the number 1 show still on CBS, but the best game ever and I am a huge gamer). I really get into gameplay. 🙂
I went to a Survivor casting call this year. Plus submitted TWO video auditions. I have terrible stage fright and keep blowing them. Getting ready for a 4th audition, wish me luck!!! Myself and Dan from Season 37 at the Survivor auditions April (2019). They actually said I’d be perfect for the show. 😆Self with 3 Survivor players and Zeke (far right) was auditioning like me. Zeke and I have stayed in contact! He lives near me. 😊I waited hours to get my 60 seconds and I blew it. I forgot everything I was supposed to say and didn’t use my full 60 Seconds. Stage fright ugggggg!!!!! Finally, my turn next after hours of waiting in line. I nearly peed myself. These are all from my Instagram and you can revisit my stories & wall, I have a SURVIVOR story tab and a few post on my wall. With better shots. This is how I’ve escaped the “you can only apply to Survivor one time a year” rule. Survivor CBS will lift it. And that’s pretty much what’s going on now so I can get a fourth audition in. My first time applying was Halloween of 2018 so technically it’s been 1 year now. My casting call was in April. And I will drive to another casting call as well if they have one nearby. GETTING ON THIS SHOWThat’s what Dan was saying to me as he was filming me filming him HAHA. He’s hot stuffs, you should go check out his Instagram. I was in Jessica Peet’s story, she was a castaway on Survivor!!! She also said I would be great for the show. Dan! Y’all have no idea how hard it is for me to socialize, but that’s part of the great challenge of playing Survivor, it’s not about being the strongest player and winning all the challenges because if the players won’t vote for you in the end you won’t be a soul survivor, it’s just as much a social game, as it is physical. But, I’m facing my fears and reaching for the stars and planets. MY TURN TO AUDITION FOR SURVIVOR CBS, SMILE!!! I drove I think for an hour to get to the casting call and I got there really early in the morning and the line was already extremely long and I made it on the news as well! LOL That’s the third time I’ve made the news in my life. Albeit, this time more brief. People find love on Survivor y’all. LOVE. GET ME ON THE SHOW! I went live at the casting call LOL Survivor players plus myself at the casting call
So what I’ve learned is, it’s not that I’m not good enough to be on the show, it’s just I’m not exactly what they need for that particular season yet. You have to keep auditioning because you might be exactly what they need for an upcoming season. So, I nearly gave up and lost hope but the first rule of Survivor is never give up! 😆
Follow me on my socials if you wanna see more of what I’m up to. I’ve mostly kept my blog about my writing. I’m more transparent on my Twitter and Insta (@POEETERNAL).
So, I hope you enjoyed these behind-the-scene photos of my life. ☺
Do I ever make you feel good? Do you focus on the bad, longer than you should? If you trusted me, could I peek under your hood? If you don’t love me, do you ever think you could?
Every cloud passing by another prayer
In your thoughts, I wonder, am I there?
Is there ever a moment, where you care?
Of all the ones you’ve loved, how did I compare?
Slipping down now is the rain
Coming down to greet me another pain
Unfamiliar, surrounding terrain
And here I linger, here I dwell, here I remain
Life is just full of decay
I slowly watch love fade to grey
And if I die well I was dead anyway
If I die, that’s just the price we pay
Halloween has passed and still themes of death, oh goodie, I’m still me. Survivor of spells and curses, adding that to my portfolio. Let’s compare resumes. The new modern age of dick comparing. My debt is bigger than yours. Oops, I meant dick, I mean house. Wait, what the fuck are we talking about again? Dick, yes, need. CHOCOLATE, I NEED CHOCOLATE (shut up hormones) ((my ovaries are literally in a knife fight right now, I would apologize but my cycles follow the Moon))
This tho, yasssss HORNY CREEP yeps, not gonna apologize about that either. My drive ain’t hurting nobody. IS YOURS?
What islands must we breach, in a faraway dreamland, where the habits we keep, are safely out of reach, and the love we share, is a language we can finally comprehend?
What mystical gardens must we sow, where joy and hope is the grain that we grow, and your hand is the vine, connected to the very root of my soul?
What maps must we hunt, what fear do we uncover, that leads me to the forest where you are my lover?
What secrets do we bury, so your mask is less heavy, and my shadow will feel more like a friend not in a hurry?
What ship must I sail, on what troubles do we travail, will you follow me out of hell, can you live to tell our tale (what if I fail)?
What skin must we shed, what sorrow do we part, show me through the doors, that will lead to your heart, past the halls of the longing, through the deeds where we get our first start?
Err, some of you may not be on Insta, but there are more videos up of me dancing in my fangs, if that’s yer thing.
But also, below are a few just in case you missed it on Insta. You can get on Insta, and not use Insta. I have many followers who use it like a newspaper, meaning they’re not active on their profile (liking, posting, or commenting) but they’re actively reading newsfeeds and stories. Don’t be scared to give me a follow on Insta (or here) if you wanna see more dancing videos. You can set your notifications to be on for my account so you never miss a post!
Dancing to Apoptygma Berzerk (another Norwegian band I dig) in my fangs, which actually is a FIRST. More posted on my Instagram. Please come lie next to me… 🎵🎶🎵This one is not on my Instagram. A bonus. (But more are on my Insta in my feed and my stories under my pen name POEETERNAL). 🙂
So I do these for one guy, but he doesn’t even follow me LOL LOL (does he even see them? He hates me but I follow him like a lost, starving puppy that he shoos away ugggggg) *sadface*
HAPPY HALLOWEEN 2019These are the lamest Snapchat filters I have ever seen… LAME-O WTF Snapchat, you need to get it together. Halloween is a big deal, rights? WTF is this filter?
Yeah, so. Unrequited love sucks, in case you were wondering. But, I’ve convinced myself that he’s madly in love with me so my heart and mind are never in sync on the matter anyway.
I’m sharing this one solely on the fact that you can see the irritation regarding the Hallows Eve filters. Bunnies. Really Snapchat. Unimpressed, this face shows. One more for good measure. Had to show my fangs, WHICH this particular set I decommissioned because it was a 4 piece set and one of the fangs broke years ago so I haven’t worn them in years but decided to do so with the remaining 2 that do work. They were my favorite set actually and were in the style of Underworld. Some girls want diamonds, I want custom fitted fangs.
Her hopes take flight, it catches starlight, it rides the night, it gives her dreams sight, for his love she will fight
He knows not his creed but it is burned to my tongue- Like a tattoo by fate, open my gate and come
Please need me
I crawled on when my hope was gone I saw sun but my eyes were burned I found love where the hand was numb I gave love when it would not come
He writes the most beautiful poetry And I want to organize them into little treasures for my mind An instrument of the finest wording and it starts with his rhyme Pluck a note from me, as I’m slightly off key It doesn’t take much to tune me when his writing is my shrine He intoxicates me better than the finest wine
His words should come with a sign that reads, “do not engage”
So innocent was her love, so pure The bouquet of poetry he would write would allure It was love of this she was sure In the afterglow of words she felt secure
Want a dose of paranoia mixed with anxiety? Well, if he is her and you are me and they are them, then who the fuck is she?
He doesn’t know it but he is a giant in my heart.
He was unaware of her worth But there was something in her eye And the look was divine And it tasted of desire Love sprung from the Earth
Everyone seems to be living such wonderful lives and I just want to hide in his eyes
He comes back for my love When he’s lost his reserve Just as I am giving up
Most days my soul is suffocating Bouncing up and down Flipping and flopping Gasping for air Frantic and in despair Where is the life?
Silence brings violence
He’s not quite 6 feet but every bit iron foot
Just because you think I’m perfect doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell me I’m good. Just because you don’t think I’m worth it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell me I could.
Life is so bland, so very dreary
But when I take the walls down
And I start to move around
The Moon she peers at me
As if I’m well and sound
And she offers me a different theory
Still the cold finds the cracks
And in creeps what I lack
And now it’s dark, I’ve lost the tracks
But tell me who really has your back?
Was it done for her or was it done for you
And is it something that you ever knew
Maybe you tried but you changed your view
When instead you should have changed your crew
Is it lack of discipline or are you really bad
Since depression took over she’s your only comrade
And so you tell the Moon the reasons you’re sad
And I can tell she understands a tad
Her regolith is made from fires
And you’re the only man she ever desires
And if the Moon is something you admire
It’s the same as why her love won’t expire
Some treat her like a chemical waste
And some responses were done in haste
And if it’s what you want it can be erased
It can disappear without a trace
He is part of a world I wish I was in
The story is open, the pages are thin
Love is where I’m going but it’s never where I’ve been
The road is full of obstacles and requires some discipline
The clouds passing by bring a current of hope
The fog dissipates with all of my mope
The sun bursts with a new horoscope
The sky is a blanket where my sorrows can cope
I took my depression and left it in a back alleyway
I may return for it again someday
And when my fears visit, they’ll arrive in a beautiful bouquet
And if you ever forgive me, that day will be a permanent holiday
Set the controls to where my heart is churning
Look all directions, you’ll see our fire burning
There is never a day for you I am not yearning
Some practice of forgiveness is worth learning
