*Warning strong themes of depression and suicide*

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone.

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Will you be there to watch your mom die
Or will it be by the hand of suicide
Years and years of these trials
Hard to keep you by my side
Took a chance once or twice
And might succeed tonight – oh son!

Some call it paradise
But it’s a parasite
Understand what living’s like
It’s like your under knife
Want a hand to get it right
Don’t leave the world a fright – oh son!

Accept that life is might
Don’t have the heart to fight
I wear this sadness tight
Like a rope in flight
Sorry’s nowhere in sight
And I’m alone, alright! – oh son!

© Delia Ross. 2020

Y’all, I’m fine. It’s a song I’m writing, and I wish I could get the melody from my head to my guitar and my vocals. I also wish I could write a guitar solo from the tip of my tongue the way David Gilmour can. I can’t. I know maybe 4 chords. I can’t even whistle.

I’m sharing my struggles with you. Because there’s a 50% chance I might not make it out alive… dark times.

Depression is when every part of you wants to give up and roll over but you crawl on, in agony, anyway.

Some escape this despair, for other’s it’s terminal. There’s a 50/50 chance for survival. You’ll need rigorous response to recover and live with depression. Currently, I’m trying alternative treatments and therapy. Stuff doesn’t always work. Sometimes I become immune to treatments. Sometimes I disappear for days and no one knows where I am or hears from me. Sometimes they force treatment on me, throw me in rubber rooms, where it takes 6 people to hold me down just to shoot my ass up with Thorazine. Regardless if you go voluntary or not for in-house treatment, they will take all your clothes from you and your phone, you can’t have any of your books, but you’re allowed the Bible, you can’t talk to anybody, you can’t read magazines or listen to music, because there’s this underlying misconception that “stuff” can make you better.

And then no one wants to admit to having mental health issues because you get called “crazy” or other demeaning terms, and often the closest people around you, will use those terms against you when they are angry.

If you are struggling, I’m not going to say it gets better, because honestly, it gets worse. Depression isn’t about how much money you have or fame, it doesn’t care if you are broke or rich, and that’s why rich people die from depression too. But these things can be symptoms of depression. Depression can come about just because it wants to. It doesn’t take a death, or job loss, divorce, or any other event to be depressed. That’s why you shouldn’t ask people, “what do you have to be depressed about?”. Depression is a mental health illness, you’re ILL. You might need meds, therapy, short or long term treatments. It’s not your fault that you are ill. You are not alone. Hang on.

Edit to add: Sometimes depression is environmental so it doesn’t always require therapy or treatment. Sometimes it requires a change in your environment or situation. So don’t always assume a pill can make something better. And don’t push big pharma on others or make demeaning comments like, “you haven’t taken your medication have you”.

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