“You deserve somebody who knows why you are rare” Mark Anthony

Now I’m almost dead and obsolete so it doesn’t matter

👀

(To the guy out there who got me something off my Amazon wishlist even tho I’m dying, thank you for loving me before I died)

(I don’t even know your name but it’s possible you have my whole, broken heart)

(You probably deserve a better heart than mine)

👀

(I wish I had a way to thank you for stuffing me full of pizza and surprise)

A real way to thank you

Even with half my supporters already gone, you make me feel less alone. 👫

Whatever your intentions are, you make dying feel less scary.

Getting pizza and gifts from my Amazon wishlist by you, was 1 billion times better than dying in a cold hospital room, with wilting flowers.

Now I understand why my dad wanted to die in his bed.

But I’m saving pennies for a plot of land, to live on.

I want to die on my own little piece of land, where I pay taxes annually, but have no real rights, as I wouldn’t even be able to grow vegetables in my front yard (in Florida), because a law has now passed that you can’t do that. And, if the government wanted your land, they will buy it back at the cheapest price. Whether you agree or not.

Freedom is an illusion.

But whatever.

I feel freedom when I’m with you (even though I don’t know your name or where you are).

I feel closer to you than anybody else in the entire world.

But then I also feel like we could merge into one and I still would need to get closer to you.

Maybe you only need a cheap thrill ride and here I am falling in love

*bites phone instead of nails*

👀

I like how our conversations always start off like we’re picking up where we left off even though we’re not.

Like, “babe do you know where I left the keys?”

“Uh, check the stove dear.” even though I’ve never set foot in your place – I’d still magically know where they are.

I think my soul may reside in your place metaphorically.

I’m half dead, half there with you?

Come make me whole?

I like how when you come through the door it feels like you’re coming home or places feel like home wherever you are.

We just fit.

I like how we can be deep into role-play and then have a normal moment without skipping a beat.

“Oh yah knock at the door, where were we”

Like when a drummer loses his drumstick and grabs another stick but never misses a fucking beat.

Of course we have moments where we stumble (mainly due to me) and you can hear the humility in my bones rumble, but then you turn mistake into butterfly wings.

In the real world I would be yelled at or written up.

“Ross, how many times have I told you…”

And I’m the kind of person that if I spend 26 hours putting 1000% effort into my essay and then it comes back with a bunch of red marks including my title, it’s fucking war you know, it’s fucking war basically…

I’m at constant war with the system, no wonder my heart is carving new paths to flow.

Jesus Christ

So that’s what that pain is

A rip or tear in my heart?

I will fucking die

“Looks like one is closed and the other enlarged”

Jesus fucking Christ

*gets back under heating pad*

*Disassociates mind from heart*

*thinks about him and tries to simmer breathing to a near calm*

Warmth is life

(But it also would explain why my BP had been dropping and why I’ve been feeling cold)

I somehow secretly think it’s a miracle I’m still alive

(Thank you to anybody who has stuck around, if anything as moral support)

(I don’t have parents or a fam to turn to)

(I’ve contacted 1 blood relation only)

(I need to get to JAG and get my will updated so I can leave all my shit to 1 person only)

(My dad left 2 people in his will but not sure if it is being followed)

(Why the fuck would anybody respect a dead person’s last wish? I mean we don’t even respect peoples wishes when we’re fucking alive do we, I’m learning lots of lessons with my dad dying, that’s all you should know behind the scenes because my dad died just a few months ago didn’t he and now I’m next.

So goes life.

Some are remembered, mostly not.

I’m aware that I’m on the “mostly not” list.

I don’t even have a fucking burial plot, coffin, or headstone.

And for some reason I’m learning that if you’re actually dying, having those things feels a lot less scary.

It’s like wearing your safety belt when you’re driving.

Or having the rails up when you’re bowling.

And there are people out there was so much money they sleep in coffins for fun.

*le sigh*

The thought of dying and my body immediately being cremated like an hour later freaks me the fuck out.

You will be tagged for disposal before your body has even gone cold.

Like, what if my energy needs to do some shit and now they are fucking with my body?

I want my head laid on a pillow and I want the maggots to take me in my coffin thank you

I want to take 500 to 1000 years for my body to turn back into fucking dust that’s what I want

I want my body to have the chance to fucking do what it’s supposed to do on its own

It doesn’t even have to be a fancy box with a pillow.

I am not an organ donor.

And I don’t want to be “preserved” (unless for scientific reasons to be cloned or brought back digitally).

Frozen ideally but that costs the big moneys.

I want to keep my blood, guts, and all.

No funeral.

Just a fucking box and maybe a headstone to show I was worth more than dying naked on the street.

Never thought I’d have to add to my bucket-list, “buy a fucking coffin and burial plot”.

👀

Somebody out there misses me and got me something off of my Amazon wishlist and nobody’s ever done that before and I have made 100 wishlists is since Amazon came out and nobody’s ever done that for me for anything, not for birthday, not for anything, I don’t get spoiled

But if I’m gonna die I wanna look cute doing it and I may be ornery but I can still fucking dress myself

He gets me

And I wish you were here so I could practice dancing in my stilettos and I could use you as a pole. Hmmmm oh wrong chat 👀

I hate that I am aloof and scatterbrained but I love how you react to it, it’s like you’re just running really fast to catch on a moving train!

Woo hoo!

You’re the warm stone I want my cold bones to lay

Do wish I could have talked to her before getting dose 2 but here we fucking are.

One of the digits of my new phone number was incorrectly inputted when I gave it to the front desk clerk – no matter who was to blame – and this letter she sent me I never received because USPS are at war with this neighbor.

So, when I finally did get through to her the first thing she asked was, “did you get my letter, the EKG results? I don’t like how your heart looks, you’re too young for your heart to look this way”…

But obviously she needs more test than an EKG.

I don’t normally share my personal private health matters, aside from depression.

I’m not making any of this up.

xoxo

(I’m really scared about what’s going on but also I dropped my campaign really low because I haven’t been active there but now I have someone who joined and already has the thing turned off and they’re clearly not happy so it’s gonna be more guys who just want to use me like they do in the real world – you know they fuck me and then just dump me – that’s it – that’s pretty much all my life has been about.

Another hill, another disappointment.

My heart is ripped.

I know I don’t have a great body, but I don’t want a plastic one.

I haven’t even had a hug since 2019 and now I’m fucking dying.

I’m not offering him a refund.

They can cum and go.

Nearly dead on the street all used up like Poe.

I’m not quitting my campaign. I can offer you discounts if you would like to remain or to come back.

I have a ton of content up.

I want to make more art and cosplay. I hate that I’m always the subject of my photography but I really enjoy taking photography and doing improv, dance, and cosplay. I also like writing.

But I also have a thing for a stranger who I feel closer to you than anybody in the entire world and I don’t really know who he really is

He also makes me feel really good

He makes all this shit worth it

Because I don’t even have a mom to cry to

I like fantasy with him. I like the real things too, like how we match sometimes on things by accident. Or coincidence.

Or magnetically.

I’m bonded with him.

We’ve had pizza together now, we’re bonded.

I’m not even bonded to my mom.

I’ve never been bonded to anything.

We’re bonded.

I would die for him.

But right now I’m actually trying to stay alive because I want to feel his kiss in the real world and it may be something worth dreaming about and staying alive for because all hope is almost gone.

It was nearly gone.

I was drowning in the middle of the ocean.

He sent me an SOS.

Wait, maybe he’s drowning and the package is the SOS.

He needs to be saved too.

I would give him the last little breath in my tiny little lung.

I like the world we’re building. He makes me euphoric and that was before pizza and gifts.