it was a bad week

not a bad day –

an entire fucking week!

with small intervals of “the sun is out, you made it through the night, do you wanna try and walk”

and after 48 hours of his explosive diarrhea which kept him quarantined to his bathroom – with many walks outside – I called the vet

I told them which location I wanted to go but they wanted to send me on a 6 Hour Rd. trip when my dog had diarrhea

“id like port orange please today if possy”

her: ‘we have one available in iron city”

me: “where is iron city, how far”

her: ‘do you want the address for Port Orange’

i’m fairly certain I’m living and suspended in a different dimension than most people

i got struck by lightning in my jeep all windows down arm out 80 miles an hour circa 2018

i’ve never seen so many arms of bands of lightning and the sound was so loud it was like something fell from heaven

i screamed “fuck” as my life literally did flash before my eyes

I could still see the lightning on the road as I was driving away

it was even more odd i veered into the middle lane the precise time it decided to touch down

millions of arms

my arm was still burning when I got home and I started googling if electricity was radiation and freaking out because I didn’t have any iodine in my house and still don’t

things have not been the same since

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oh… the dog saw the vet yesterday and had his anal glands expressed

i was blaming myself for everything that went wrong as he was i thought “dying”

he is so old his body is starting to shut down

he wants to be here, no matter how painful this gets

he may have to get his glands expressed again

I wonder when mommy will ever have a good day again

but then sometimes I realize I should probably be grateful that I even have this to tend to

i told him im not far behind

and i hope he greets me in heaven

since he will become heaven’s mascot when he arrives

he earned his wings down here

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I kinda have been praying for this day to come and now that it’s arriving I don’t want it to come – I have guilty feelings for wanting my life back – to move on without him

ive made some moral mistakes

they are so hard to recover from

but also i’m starting to experience some tenderness in my kidney area and the medication just isn’t working fully

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thought and prayers

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p.s. she said there wasn’t anything I did and that I would probably need to bring him in again to get his anal glands expressed as it’s common for old dogs

i’m fucking exhausted after the week I’ve had and I know it’s 6 AM but I’m gonna smoke a fucking joint – it’s prescribed

im aching im tired i wish markburgesswasdead

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