From dudes ghosting me to trying to kidnap me off the street- I just ain’t feeling right…
Know what I mean?
You ever have some guy wait for you to come out of the store and then exit their vehicle and chase you down the sidewalk and then not take two no’s for an answer?
He actually went “hmmm” and started looking around the parking lot.
This is after I’ve told a stranger no TWICE that I did not want to go for a ride with him.
He still hadn’t left.
Now he’s going “hmmm” and his eyes are scanning the front door and parking lot.
He then looks back at me and my facial expression read: is this the part you now grab me and I fight back
He said “alright” despairingly and left. Finally. But it was the longest seconds of my life. Too many seconds after the second no was issued. Too many.
I spent the next 20 minutes or an hour believing he was following me and wouldn’t drive any route home.
I have not recovered.
You ever have a guy wait for you to leave the store, exit his vehicle, run down the sidewalk, and not take no for an answer?
And then watch him scope out in contemplate if he’s going to take you or not?
In broad daylight?
I don’t like getting out. It’s too dangerous being this dainty and cute.
I need a bodyguard. Hence, I’m packing weight soon.
Know what I mean?
I got a girl you want to meet her? Her name is 9 millimeter…
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone.
Will you be there to watch your mom die Or will it be by the hand of suicide Years and years of these trials Hard to keep you by my side Took a chance once or twice And might succeed tonight – oh son!
Some call it paradise But it’s a parasite Understand what living’s like It’s like your under knife Want a hand to get it right Don’t leave the world a fright – oh son!
Accept that life is might Don’t have the heart to fight I wear this sadness tight Like a rope in flight Sorry’s nowhere in sight And I’m alone, alright! – oh son!
Y’all, I’m fine. It’s a song I’m writing, and I wish I could get the melody from my head to my guitar and my vocals. I also wish I could write a guitar solo from the tip of my tongue the way David Gilmour can. I can’t. I know maybe 4 chords. I can’t evenwhistle.
I’m sharing my struggles with you. Because there’s a 50% chance I might not make it out alive… dark times.
Depression is when every part of you wants to give up and roll over but you crawl on, in agony, anyway.
Some escape this despair, for other’s it’s terminal. There’s a 50/50 chance for survival. You’ll need rigorous response to recover and live with depression. Currently, I’m trying alternative treatments and therapy. Stuff doesn’t always work. Sometimes I become immune to treatments. Sometimes I disappear for days and no one knows where I am or hears from me. Sometimes they force treatment on me, throw me in rubber rooms, where it takes 6 people to hold me down just to shoot my ass up with Thorazine. Regardless if you go voluntary or not for in-house treatment, they will take all your clothes from you and your phone, you can’t have any of your books, but you’re allowed the Bible, you can’t talk to anybody, you can’t read magazines or listen to music, because there’s this underlying misconception that “stuff” can make you better.
And then no one wants to admit to having mental health issues because you get called “crazy” or other demeaning terms,and often the closest people around you, will use those terms against you when they are angry.
If you are struggling, I’m not going to say it gets better, because honestly, it gets worse. Depression isn’t about how much money you have or fame, it doesn’t care if you are broke or rich, and that’s why rich people die from depression too. But these things can be symptoms of depression. Depression can come about just because it wants to. It doesn’t take a death, or job loss, divorce, or any other event to be depressed. That’s why you shouldn’t ask people, “what do you have to be depressed about?”. Depression is a mental health illness, you’re ILL. You might need meds, therapy, short or long term treatments. It’s not your fault that you are ill. You are not alone. Hang on.
Edit to add: Sometimes depression is environmental so it doesn’t always require therapy or treatment. Sometimes it requires a change in your environment or situation. So don’t always assume a pill can make something better. And don’t push big pharma on others or make demeaning comments like, “you haven’t taken your medication have you”.
Hellos. I’m fine despite dark thoughts swirling like a nebula. Depression.
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People always pushing, always rushing, like they’re racing to die They will try to hide it but you can see it in their eye I don’t know what I’m doing but I know it’s going to make me cry And I know you said you’re sorry but sorry won’t do it this time
So, it is a song in my head. Therefore it is lyrics. I’m songwriting. Cuz this social distancing is even getting to my introversion. Now that the public beaches are closed to the public, I wanna go. What they gonna do? Arrest me? Pff go ahead. I need some kink in my life. Or excitement. I can just play stupid. It helps to be cute and innocent with a bit of devil. I’m like the perfect combo. They can’t resist my smile and silliness. 🙂 I’m seriously going to the beach tomorrow. Might be going to jail. I’m boreeeddddddd
If you dig my writing, you can support my blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
I posted a song uncut and unfiltered on Tuners Radio, despite my crippling stage fright. I’ve never even been able to do open mic night or karaoke. I’d love your feedback though. Go easy on me. 😇
P.S. my muse Alex Ebert not only gave it like but added it to one of his playlist on Tuners Radio (he’s literally won Oscars for his music but that’s not why I love him)!! 😍
Lyrics:
It was something that they put you through It makes no sense at all If you will let me carry you I promise not to fall
I can take care of you But only if you want I’m strong enough to carry you Though sometimes I may crawl
Hang on, hang on, hang on ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhh
It’s the devil’s curse It’s everywhere It’s worse It’s there It’s the devil’s curse It’s her She’s everywhere he’s there Anywhere that he’s there And her With the devil’s curse It’s her she’s everywhere I don’t care I don’t care that he’s worse I can feel him stare Anywhere she’s there It’s the devil’s curse And it’s in his verse Written in her verse In blood, the devil’s curse Signed and written in verse We’re damned and it will get worse Tethered to this curse, all of us
A song that formed in my head while I was trying to vacuum (it’s more like a chorus that goes on and on, ethereal, slow, gothy like). Now back to cleaning… (by the way, it feels like spring in Florida in case it’s snowing where you’re at…. neener neener neener- got my window open too- letting light through)
And it’s written in this verse / and it’s getting worse
Err, some of you may not be on Insta, but there are more videos up of me dancing in my fangs, if that’s yer thing.
But also, below are a few just in case you missed it on Insta. You can get on Insta, and not use Insta. I have many followers who use it like a newspaper, meaning they’re not active on their profile (liking, posting, or commenting) but they’re actively reading newsfeeds and stories. Don’t be scared to give me a follow on Insta (or here) if you wanna see more dancing videos. You can set your notifications to be on for my account so you never miss a post!
Dancing to Apoptygma Berzerk (another Norwegian band I dig) in my fangs, which actually is a FIRST. More posted on my Instagram. Please come lie next to me… 🎵🎶🎵This one is not on my Instagram. A bonus. (But more are on my Insta in my feed and my stories under my pen name POEETERNAL). 🙂
So I do these for one guy, but he doesn’t even follow me LOL LOL (does he even see them? He hates me but I follow him like a lost, starving puppy that he shoos away ugggggg) *sadface*
HAPPY HALLOWEEN 2019These are the lamest Snapchat filters I have ever seen… LAME-O WTF Snapchat, you need to get it together. Halloween is a big deal, rights? WTF is this filter?
Yeah, so. Unrequited love sucks, in case you were wondering. But, I’ve convinced myself that he’s madly in love with me so my heart and mind are never in sync on the matter anyway.
I’m sharing this one solely on the fact that you can see the irritation regarding the Hallows Eve filters. Bunnies. Really Snapchat. Unimpressed, this face shows. One more for good measure. Had to show my fangs, WHICH this particular set I decommissioned because it was a 4 piece set and one of the fangs broke years ago so I haven’t worn them in years but decided to do so with the remaining 2 that do work. They were my favorite set actually and were in the style of Underworld. Some girls want diamonds, I want custom fitted fangs.
Nine Inch Nails – Came Back Haunted (thank fuck & when NIN returned, I was there. Have seen NIN live a few times since a teen, asked Trent to marry me once on his website, he was flattered, I was like sixteen)
Type O Negative – Wolfmoon (What? You can’t have Halloween without TON. Besides, this is a story about a guy going down on a girl when she’s on her period during a full moon and he turns into a fucking werewolf, you can’t get any better than that). SANGUINE ADDICTION
I was gonna go to the world’s most famous beach and then to a doggy park but it decided to rain and so dancing my blues away to Zeromancer instead in my bedroom, cuz y’all don’t know this good stuff, do you? 4 minutes of me sweating in my bedroom on an early Saturday morning is everything you’ve always wanted to see, right? (By the time the video uploads it’ll be mid afternoon). I have terrible stage fright. And I’m super shy. But this is a Norwegian band that I’ve been digging for quite some time and this is one of my favorite songs by them.
So I’m okay, if anyone was wondering. And by okay I mean, I’m still fighting the good fight. And to be honest, this blog and you guys are my only lifeline. And yeps, you met me at a messy period in my life. And I’ve already had so many give up on me. I’m trying not to give up on me too. And I know my body isn’t in its best shape but does that mean I have to stand behind the curtain because I don’t meet your expectations of perfection. But also, you could have just loved me how I deserved.
Kill your senses You might be right Hold your fire I’ll take you higher Never drop We’ll never stop Tar for feathers Blood for honey Milk for money Isn’t it funny how it hurts How it hurts You never see me make The same mistake twice You never see a tear Coming out of these eyes You never see me beg For another shot And you never see me change Into something I’m not Famous last words Stare at someone You used to know Laughs at you Turns around and fade away If only I could see it that way Kill your senses It can’t be right Isn’t it funny how it hurts You never see me make The same mistake twice You never see a tear Coming out of these eyes You never see me quit See me disengage And you never see me spit in your face Out of rage Famous last words
To everyone who says, “she’s too skinny, she’s too fat, she doesn’t have a body to be wearing that” err kiss off (anyway I just wanted you to see how long my hair is getting, I’ve been growing it out since I left the Army in 2017 after 15 hard years of service plus a war). It’s nearly down to my arse. 🤓
Come back !!!! WEEKS TURN INTO MONTHS / MONTHS TURN INTO YEARS*falls over in despair*
Come back Come back to me I’ve been waiting here patiently [Repeat] I’ve been walking a thin white line Between love and hate I could use a lil company A lil kindness can go a long way Weeks turn into months Months turn into years Reaching the same conclusions Gathering up the fear Come back Come back to me I’ve been waiting here patiently [Repeat] I’ve been walking a thin white line Between love and hate I could use a little restraint A lil kindness can go a long way Weeks turn into months Months turn into years Reaching the same conclusions Gathering up the fear [Repeat x3] Come back Come back to me I’ve been waiting here patiently Come back Come back to me [Repeat]
Lay down your guards
I’ll lay down my shield
I’m not here to wound
To punish or kill
Distance can be measured in yards
There is still so much that I haven’t revealed
Place a new bet or just lay down your cards
Everything must be of our own free will
I’ve been getting drunk on the wrong boulevards
Spending time lost, crying and roaming the field
Most of the time I forget to send my regards
Too broken and shattered and trying to heal
Everyone warned me that life would be hard
Your death opened wounds that never have healed
I’m just a gal that most disregards
Or maybe they think we’re all made of steel
I would take a bullet for him
He’s so much better than I am
I wish I could shoot him a telegram
Into the ocean I would swim
He’s the best thing that’s ever been
If he said jump I’d ask him when
To some this may seem obscene
But he is my favorite thing
His kiss would be my end
But I think his heart I could mend
This burning fire I can tend
Come closer let me be your friend
This offer will never expire
Some flames are meant to burn higher
I’ll meet you anywhere
I’d walk to Times Square
Don’t make life so unfair
Come on, I’ll meet you anywhere
I’d fly, I’d walk in the rain
I can drive or take the midnight train
I’d go to you anywhere
Can we meet at the town square
Darling please somewhere
Anywhere, I don’t care
Any weather
Come together
Any weather
Together we’re better
Any weather
PoeEternal 