I dunno what you’re waiting on
Hell to come?
I have arrived
Sat down outside
With pen in hand
But I’m out of ink?
But these walls know what I think?
Like considering heaven
And the events to get me there then?
It’s far from happening
Though death is companying
Like an uninvited guest at my deathbed
I wanted you instead?
Your words? Your calls?
My phone a friend?
Whom I can but can’t depend?
Us against them? Gone yet united?
The system? The stranger you’re lying with?
Oh you know their name?
Cool but I’m no longer hiding that I have gone insane?
Maybe only temporary?
Can’t take this to the pearly gates
I’m expressing all my rage
But I’m innocent
The midnight moon glowing
The avalanche down the mountain flowing
Honestly, might be where I’m going?
Since the mountains are the only ones who are calling!!!
And hell froze over on me
In the hottest parts of the city
I was like wait a minute, “it is snowing”
So that’s my reality
And the neighbors building melting snowmen
While my rage is burning within
Yelling at the therapist, “I don’t like the sound of voices… except his”
“Yours is okay, I actually admitted this”!?!
Like I can handle a “handful”
But not in succession
“I quit group confession”
But I really need a priest?
My new doctor thinks she can fix what is inside of me?
INFORMED CONSENT
I’m ready to try it
Left the doc a message “I’m pretty sick”
Just got off the phone with a pharmacist
But as far as my medicinal “I ain’t gotta quit”
Thank fuck
About to take a hit
(Just hopepray this ain’t the culprit)
Cuz coconut ain’t on the foods to eat
And I ate a bit….
🙂

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They dilated my eyes this morning cuz i had my lookers examined – and at first it was without my glasses on – they are using a new method with a mirror and computer screen laser and I could see fuck all. She kept turning nobs “and now” and the panic set it “not like anything at all” and she did not realize my glasses were corrective (she thought just readers) and the instant relief we both had and the laughter coming from the room “i can see the smallest lines”

I ain’t blind

I mean, without glasses, I can see there’s a sign but I couldn’t tell you the name of the road

“You go a couple miles til you see Big Lots, now if you get to the Circle K you’ve gone too far”

And while you over there swing by the drive thru Little Caesar’s and get me one of them $10 stuffed crust

(Only they ain’t ten in my city, a couple more)

And I was at the grill at the VA today ordering 3 scrambled brown eggs

“You got any vegan turkey bacon or sausage”

“We got some Turkey bacon but it ain’t vegan”

“My doc says I can’t have no meat currently but some of us can’t be no vegetarian”

And an echo of “amen” “i hear that”

But I only got the toast and eggs

Wish I had got SIX SCRAMBLED

Next time double

I might be little but I got a big appetite

Greedy lil thang

It’s annoying how much I gotta eat to constantly be losing weight

But while being very sick I ordered Chipotle (not pizza) to get a salad and they had NO CHICKEN which I suddenly hate the taste of chicken?

So I got the beef

My body absorbed it

It said FUCK YEAH

Cuz I really needed some meat and I refuse pork but they were out of chicken and I hate chicken?

So to me the universe directed me to the “all beef”

The cow is in heaven now and my tummy

I will not make a habit tho

I’ve gone MONTHS without beef eating only chicken and then no meat for several weeks and almost died

You come cook the lentil meatloaf

I’m DYING

I need SOUP

My VEGAN SOUP

so that is my goal

Back to my homemade soups!

I thrive on vegan soup, spring water, and cashews.

Back to the basics for me

And oatmeal IS on the foods I can eat

Thank GOD

I literally cried cuz she said “no cereal” but to me oatmeal is cereal

The good oatmeal with berries im allowed

–

And I love eating eggs again?

I thought I hated eggs but now I will inhale them

Just eggs

No salt, no pepper

Scrambled. Grill. Buttered toast (i dunno if the toast is allowed) (please give me one piece of toast)

THANK YOU

(Claim the grits too) (Even tho they ain’t allowed)

There’s no benefits to corn

CABBAGE ON THE GOOD LIST THO

(I made a spicy vegan taco with cabbage – don’t overcook the cab) – it was fab)

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P.S. i told the psych doc i did not need any help euthanizing myself if/when the time comes (if) and he upped my meds…. FYI

And I have to see him again in 3 weeks…

The truth is, I prob would need your help cuz I wouldn’t wanna burn in hell for all eternity

God would forgive you potentially

This isn’t an invite

You just need to prepare

In case

“Too analytical” but how the fuck else would you crunch the kinda numbers you do?

I math in my own way

You know I see things you don’t

And you understand the thing I see

Most days I’m sorting out which timeline I am in

(Is this why you don’t call)

(please don’t call)

It’s better if we write?

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Getting new eyes. These were my choices. I was allowed 3 frames. 1 for reading, 1 tinted for driving, and one for day. Any extras I had to pay. So took the freebies. Cuz Ivermetin cost me $180 alone woot woot (but she thinks it’s gonna sort me)

Need the good prays

They do sell ray-bans but those ain’t free lol

I do like the 3 new frames incoming tho (the clear will be my readers, the purple/black the tint, and the cute feminine pair on top is for my dailyware

She said they made me look ten years younger 🙂

We’ll see 🙂

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I also still have no computer cuz at war with big bro?

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They dilated my eyes and I had to drive home in a big storm

…even the grey light was blinding

And I hope to get back to rhyming 🙂

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More future updates/notes in rhyme mode?

Practice makes the perfects worse I swear

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Pssst… waiting on a story from you

I wanna share my story ideas

Rough drafts

Maybe I’m afraid you’ll know how much I’m twisted?

These days, the script is written, no point in keeping it hidden? 🙂

“She’s a little kuku? But she’s harmless” “for now”

“..i wouldn’t go testing the waters or nothing”

“…the Army trained her you know…”

“Uncle Sam’s fault she’s that way”

“She’s like a gremlin”

“Just don’t feed her after midnight…”

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I told the pill doc I had no prob euthanizing myself – i can be approved in Canada – when is the VA offering it

And he upped my meds…

Told him I be crying randomly in public or at home doing anything

I blamed my period

I told him I feel so much rage sometimes

Like a devil is inside of me

“But I know I am me”

“All 12 versions of me know I am me”

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