Chris, I’m trying to understand why you left us.
Did you know when you were singing that night to the crowd that it would be your last time?
Or did something at home trigger you?
Did you know you were going to end your life after your sold out show?
Did you know you were going to wrap a belt around your throat and hang yourself in the hotel bathroom?
That’s the exact moment you were notifying your wife Vicky, through tapping the on/off button on an app that turned your bedroom lights on and off from anywhere in the world.
Were you hoping to be saved?
Or were you telling your wife goodbye?
That’s how she knew something was wrong, the lights were turning on and off in your bedroom – but you were in Detroit in a hotel after a sold out show. She was at your home in California.
Were you speaking in code?
Did you know that would be your final performance?
You were the leader of the alternative scene.
I lost my best friend to suicide in 1993 and Soundgarden was her favorite band and now you’re gone to suicide as well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I’ve been suffering from depression all my fucking life.
I’m tired of fighting to stay in a world I don’t belong in.
I’ve been lying to myself all my life saying it’s going to get easier, things are going to get better, things are going to change, everything is going to be all right, but I’ve been gaslighting myself.
The world is getting worse.
I’ve cried so long because I wanted to belong to somebody or somewhere or to feel wanted and loved. I’ve never even had fucking parents. I had abusers.
Y’all don’t understand.
The soulless narcissist will never understand.
I might as well go hang myself in a hotel fucking bathroom only I’ve got about as much money as Edgar Allan Poe did when he died on the fucking street broke and naked.
That tattoo on my rib cage are words Edgar Allan Poe wrote for his wife when she died. I got Edgar in my bone.
I was hoping to find love before I die but now I’m just hoping for a box for my bones.
But I can’t even afford gas for my vehicle. 👀