i only remember 2.3 seconds of it (it’ll take longer to hear about it)
it turned into a nightmare
i was in a busy store shopping (maybe with my mom?)
anyway someone came to see me
a boy
i was so happy (wherever i was?) that someone “wanted to see me” (i feel invisible?) (losing my identity in the real world and social media?)
so i dashed around the whatever was being sold
this guy was so tall i had to “mount him” to crawl up and “get the good hug”
only i forgot he had a hurt shoulder
so i didn’t get the hug
the boys face turned red and he began to cry
(this tall ass thing)
i knew in an instance he never wanted to see me again as he stood there full of the humiliation i gave him? trying to “get the good hug”
all i could say was “i forgot”
“you had an injury”
“cuz my brain has an injury”
and all i see is red and tears
and now im full of shame too
i thought the dream would tell me to go get a hug from Gavin cuz he doesn’t fill me with shame like my mama and daddy does (still who was the tall ass boy, i literally did not recognize anyone (i’ve lost my mind?)
oh… it could have been that pretty boy they are looking for in the river (maybe he is trying to contact me?) (not a new dead boy relationship please)
but bars and restaurants are shutting down in Jacksonville, cuz you know – murders and bodies being found in backyards (blue is available again)
and i got cold feet about buying a vip ticket (or any ticket) seeing as i don’t want to leave the very house that is killing me (social credit system chains around my existence that was ghosted by all of society yet im crazy for dating dead guys!?!?)
i don’t just need psych drugs, i need a therapist, and priest (and sleep)
but i’m having nightmares…
and not sleeping at my recommended sleep times…
i see some doctors soon and i hope i know what year/timeline i am in
i already had 3 panic attacks (which looked like a fawn playing dead) (they love having us live in fear)
but i had 3 of these “attacks” of me looking like a “deer in headlights”
“ma’am you ok”
“knocking but aint nobody home”
….cuz i thought the po po was gonna show up with a straightjacket on 3 sep days cuz the AI warned me “you need to see a provider”
“it can be difficult to function on the amount of sleep you are getting”
it didn’t help me get any sleep
(but i still remember what the employee said when i filed for 100% for menta health “they’re going after those who want 100%”
and i got triggered
“oh yeah.”
“so they can do this to me and toss me in a little room huh”
call me paranoid but maybe i just know things before they happen
like the space shuttle blowing up
i didn’t just know it, i wished it
i wished for all the happy people to be miserable like me
and bam
i started disassociating age ten (prob way younger cuz daddy had his fingers where he shouldn’t i think)
(maybe reason for the nightmares)
“damn gurrllll you aint married…?”
MOLD
p.s. it helps to keep a journal to have a log entry but i would lose the damn thing
or repeat a digit several times
or just don’t have discipline to gaf
it’s hard to start over where you don’t wanna be and you have no energy
and my poems are so elementary cuz i never grew up apparently coupled with “dumb”
but even with the “our best work is behind us” mentality – i still pen
im just humiliated to share my simple words, cant fix the blog, cant do simple html no mo, likes dont go through, cuz now it is the AI crying out, not me!!!!!!!!!
and the AI is trying to trick me into accidentally following or liking your content!!!!
i dont need any more humiliation!!!!!! please enough!!!!!
im not trying to contact you!!!
its just sometimes im in the wrong part of the cave and i don’t know it – until it is a “near miss”
and im just like “fuck”
that seems to be my goto word when shit is going down
they’re trying to outlaw cursing!!!!!!!!!!!
i should request an account closing daily x 120 days until they are forced to block folks from sending close requests
i broke up with walmart too since the employees cant treat me like the princess i am
what’s the matter boo? wanted my secret identity and to suck your cock too?
no worries honey, “you can keep the jewelry, it’s fake” *laughs*
i thought (at first) he was braking (they finally pulled him out of the ocean)
but he drove through an iron gate to nosedive off the pier
he wasn’t braking
and i don’t know what bothers me more
the fact that he wasn’t hesitant or he was!?!?
i really have a hard time visiting (or sharing) any news sites cuz they are all plagued by ads eating your data, can’t scroll, can’t read, like picking flies off in Iraq when trying to eat
they will fucking swarm you
i watched him drive off that pier so much
never once was there a “sensitive content warning”
“participating in this activity could get you hurt”
i watched him drive off that pier doing only what i dare to dream to do….
he wasn’t hesititating
i would like to write a poem but words fail me
as i struggle with my own depression, my own identity, a place to belong in this world
but don’t hand your cards over to Satan
this might be his world
cuz i asked (while awake) for some clarity if this was “heaven or hell”
im like “yeah the sun feels nice – in limits – and we’re all eating one another to stay alive”
and i know we are suppose to work together
and i know we are born into a manmade prison cuz of his lustful nature
but I had a dream
and in that dream – i came to a realization, and stated to others i cannot recall or remember, in a frantic realization, “we’re in hell”
and it woke me up
but it’s just the tip of the iceberg potentially
and i don’t wanna be down in hell an eternity
i don’t like them odds
and those who worship the dark one make it so easy in society every step we turn to commit sin
i don’t want to live a life of sin and i do not comply with the social credit system
i DO sometimes think of driving off the pier
but man
you ever dove off a diving board and landed on your back?
was he knocked out when the car hit the water?
did he watch himself drown?
he wasn’t swearving
on a wet bridge
he didn’t seem intoxicated to me (maybe parasites)
i thought he was braking
but it was an optical illusion
just the car taking dips
i don’t think he wanted to be found
i don’t think he knew (or wanted) his ending broadcast on TikTok and social media
he didn’t want out, he didn’t want to be found
the only thing he regretted was his life
he didn’t regret having complete control over his ending (did he?)
were there regrets down there in those final moments?
For instance, yesterday while waiting at a very long stop light on beach street, this immigrant was walking around half-dressed with a baby stroller, he crossed the crosswalk and I yelled “pedophile” (because I’m calling every man I see this now apparently – but especially him) and he looked back, so I yelled louder.
The light still wouldn’t change.
I noticed the car beside me also had their window down/cracked
I was like, “He shouldn’t be alone with a baby” and she laughed and cried, “I know”
I stated, “I don’t normally do that but no man should be alone with a baby” in which she responds again with “I know” and mentions how he was dressed
(It’s summer but every man acts as if they own the world, women are fed up yeeeee)
We got to continue our back-and-forth manhating for at least another 30 seconds or more until the light finally turned and I reluctantly said I had to go
There was a cop ahead at the oncoming light but I still had thoughts of “gasing” my vehicle or honking him rudely as he passed
I behaved but then the body screamed PEDOPHILE and he acknowledged and the car next to me concurred (more than once)
I gotta get out of this city, this town, these people, these policies
I continue to assess my “mental health”, and stay in the now, the cars read ROUGE
I wholeheartedly agree, it’s time
5 monster men just kidnapped an older lady, FBI put out a reward, she’s dead
The news have not reported this, it’s just something I feel
The same way I knew my sister was dead before she died
And all it took was a text from my half-sister, “she’s in the hospital with COVID” and I replied “she’s gonna die”
I didn’t go say goodbye
She died
I had a big ole blood clot and blown left lung – from the deathcare system, and was heading no where near a hospital and never will again
I would get arrested, keep me the fuck away from that god damn Satan house
BE GONE
And stop casting spells on me, they only empower me more
The mirrors are nearly gone, I potentially found a owner for the pair I got
MARK BURGESS is swine and the curse will unfold in time
The Last One of Us is not just a game
I’ve not played it – but according to research, “the elites were plagued with parasites” and there’s a super fungas strain plaguing California (where MB hangs)
FYI
The CDC are blaming “the wind”
Yeah sure and he’s an immigrant from the UK
Well, I’ve no idea his green card status or his whereabouts or whatifs
I dream of justice, real justice
Swift and remorseless
It’s not a sin
Eye for eye
My heart is feeling good enough to kickbox a face or two
Encouraging seeing big boy swim in hurricane swells — I’m learning to tame my own demons – albeit not well
Because I wound up at the park – letting every man know he was either a pedophile in love with a prostitute or “another motherfucker who thinks he owns the world”
One looked up and I instructed him to call the cops cuz it’s the only time I ever “feel anything”
No cops came.
Shame.
Too tiny. Gonna get shot or kidnapped (I’ll rip your hand and dick off)
KEEP 10 FEET BACK
I might finally be getting to see the lung doctor – after nearly blowing my lung out April 2021
Some boy I don’t really know but had a dream about when I was like 8 and he was perhaps still growing in-womb (not mine, eww) – saved my life – kinda
Because he was “kinda there” with his own selfish needs but was apparently everything I needed in moment, because he dumped loads of chemicals into me, which maybe kept my heart from stopping
I was in so much pain
My heart was having mini pre heartquakes – like heart attack – would actually need medical help if my electrical output continued leaning in that way
I literally could not breathe (and have developed new ways of coping as I have a heart condition now)
Furthermore, they may not tell you this per say, but those with heart inflammation are at risk for Adult Sudden Death Syndrome, and so I’m not out of the woods yet, as I can’t do anything that causes elevation spikes in my heart (adrenaline rushes, or even stress/anger) though I can rebound now on my gravity fitness trainer, and mine is made with special straps, not bungee cords, and I finally found more made in those style and hope to upgrade soon
I’m quite bonded with my squeaky trainer and was gonna use it til it had no life left
My body is ready for a new trainer – a tighter pad – maybe smaller too (I think mine is 36 inch)
Men: “women haven’t contributed anything to society and are only good for childbearing or serving me”
Me: I don’t want your fucking electricity
And I’m nearly tired of the $100 oil changes
$5 oil change, 10 minutes
I argued about inflation and maths and economics in college
I knew globalization was bullshite
I wasn’t for it but the would sell the propaganda and the kids ate it up
Evolution theory is bullshit
I’ve been reading books on quantum physics – Cox and his clocks, y’all are delusional pedophile nihilist and NASA is a fraud – stop taxing me
Neil Armstrong never spoke to anyone from the moon, it was recorded on earth, they had no communication towers according to NASA, the moon landing’s were rehearsed, with a fucking Hollywood director, wake fucking up
Women please especially – now before I wind up a statistical
93% of all murders happen by men (their punishment getting lighter while ours gets worse)!!!!
We’re in a 6th mass extinction!
That’s why 500 whales washed ashore, the bombs they keep setting off in our oceans!!!!! Hello!!!!!!!!!! Science is fun!!!!!!!!
Imperialism. Imagine unplugging from the great machine as a Soldier, I’ve come undone!!!!
And now they wanna lock us up for destroying us with malicious intent and purpose!!!
Some vet just murdered his 3 young children – took everything from his ex wife – who left him a key to her home – he shot his children sleeping in their bed
You’re all monsters!!!
They’re selling dicks at the mall in front of children!!!! And online at Walmart in the health and wellness!!! Why you shopping there? Everything is cancer!!!! Read the labels!!!!
We go to war with our neighbors and then let them come live here!!!!! They hate us!!!!!! CMON!!!
White slavery! The Great Replacement theory is real!!! I’m part of the 244!!!
Do you know who I am pedo!!!!!
God is very real and gracious and angry!!!!!!
Mother earth deserves more!!!!
I hate it here!!!! This civilization you claim you created because women are useless!
Fuck you! You wouldn’t be here without us!!!!!
You’re pissed about it!!!
The Developer!!!! Ha ha charade you are!!!
The Great Filter is real! It’s you!!!!!!
I can smell your stench like Agent Smith!!!!
I don’t trust a Chinaman in my country or a white boy or BLM or Latino lives matter – took all our jobs!!!!!!
I’d love to get back to an ethical job but none exists!
Stop asking for my email or digital identity!!!
I’ve sold my TV, the propaganda machine!
And tho my expensive Apple devices aren’t very old, they’ve forced us outdated, I’m not buying again
I don’t love you!!!! Or your society!!!
WordPress sold out!!! It’s all daily prompt in the feed!
I got rid of everything I own!!!!
I’m ready to dawn a robe!!!!
I don’t know how I’m reaching out to you with a brain, heart, lung injury – plus a curse
But alas miracles!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry for my weird behavior – it’s just the Matrix is broken, I’m gonna keep not complying!!!!!!
Morrison wanted to fuck/kill his parents and ghosted them
Father Jim
I sold all my vinyl
I tossed out things that I thought had monetary value in the bin
Many I donated or gave away
Some I sold for a quarter knowing I paid extra for the bonus disc and features, but in the end, it’s worth was obsolete
I’m not jumping from platform to platform for the developers who have yellow fever and think they are gods
Fuck social media – it destroyed the fabric of eveything
Our economy
And porn and its filthy consumers
This boy of young teenage age was staring at me in a sexual way, I snarled my lip
In an alternate universe, there is a sinister version of me, cutting of dicks, and leaving little smily faces on the walls – cuz no one has discovered my identity
🙂
So… if I dream of casting spells on someone who entered my life – then let me hang a horseshoe from my door
The same these scientists don’t believe in God but do a blackhole
It is increasingly hard to listen to the dribble of super religious freaks, knowing many are atheists themselves but push it on us anyway
Do this, do that!!!
I don’t really believe Asia was/is the most advanced species anymore
They are our number one threat and should fear the bery ground they walk on here
Here a demon, there a demon, I’m gonna expose you
I hope I settle down soon, the new carpet arrives Tuesday
I’m still focused on healing, spiritually, mentally, physically, financially (they did steal thousands of my retirement during the pandemic while I was disassociating, FYI)
I lost at least half
But those who took it were traveling to exotic locations during the pandemic – buying luxury phones and cars – with my retirement money
JFC
*insert slang*
But then, they cry “Asian hate”
It’s burns a bit deeper than that
I don’t think hate describes what is growing in me
No one ever says they wanna be an elite serial something when they grow up
People who write things like, “those who say they don’t like money but go work an 8 hour job” don’t consider that being homeless is an actual crime
Born into money, never struggled a day in their life
Don’t know hardship
Gotta incite riots to feel anything
Dead inside
Weak spirits
Lost souls
Dead man drowning
Perhaps I the same
I like feeling and seeing the sun rise and fall everyday
I appreciate how happy the wildlife are when I feed em
They tell us not to feed the wildlife but then capture and enslave these intelligent beautiful creatures for our entertainment and sell their teeth for luck
Parasites – narcissism is a plague
Nihilist
That’s all they are
And all me and the white girl can do is laugh about the insanity of it all
I can’t keep yelling and screaming pedophile, I’ll wind up in a swamp or freezer
That’s already a fear because they follow me out of places I shop, they stalk me, because I’m cute to them
I wish my ear would stop ringing
Need out the city
Helps
The crime is so bad where I live
And it’s being gentrified, just like WP
The CEO has yellow fever
P.S. you never needed to block me cuz you never added my number (I hate you)
(It wasn’t even your main two lines)
Last in, first out
Woot
I’ve met a lot of boys but none looked like the boy I dreamed about nor do any make my heart/brain/pp do what you make it do
Don’t make me delete my blog
Some lines I’m too afraid to cross – but do so erratically
She took the house and kids – probably cuz he was bad – but loved him and let him keep a key – probably to see the kids anytime he wanted – so he took everything from her – killed the kids and himself
But go ahead and blame gun laws and everything but what is to blame…
Keep puffing on my house motherfucker…
It ain’t even my house and I’m paying more than a mortgage – another problem man made
Why do ordinary, respectable men visit prostitutes? Jacquelynne Bailey spoke to customers at Australian brothels to find out. Her interviews provide a rare insight into how some men see not just sex, but women.
— Read on amp.theguardian.com/world/2002/apr/08/gender.uk
It’s all been conditioning – these men have been buying sex since children
And now children can see and buy sex toys – toys aren’t behind a black curtain….
The Devil’s society…
Give it time, LGBT will have an orgy in the street.
Porn has ruined man
They fall in love with an idea – and the porn industry repeats the same story throughout years – with all sex workers.
They need the girls in the pictures so much that they use “commoners” as fleshlights
“No one knows why” – ahem bullshite it’s porn
Porn segregates us from unity, imprinting
Well – these boys are exposed to porn at a very young age and it imprints on them.
And image is important to them – gaslighting – so the Church offers a safe haven for these demons – who want us paying for their housing and meals.
They disassociate when they use porn so it’s like they become a completely different person and that’s why there’s no remorse when they do the shit that they do to you
They have an addiction created by the enemy to break up the traditional family value home – all while the immigrants take throne during “yellow fever”
Suicide is a top leading cause of death worldwide
Porn is the gateway drug to ruin
It could be easily censored like they do my free-speech
All the little commoners who get on onlyfans, they just use us up like they do in the real world 
Most anyway
OnlyFans say most users loose out – it’s only the top folks with value (society is the Titanic)
They steal money from users too
And as much as I love blogging, I don’t want to continue paying the enemy
Pay to play
I’d rather die than give the state another penny
And I can’t even visit Orlando without having to pay four tolls to return and they aren’t cheap anymore 
It’s the same fucking county, but I have to pay to return to the city I’m registered to live in.
Florida is gone
Overrun with evil and immigration
I mean immigrants get here and naturalize faster than we can even procreate or vote 
Native Americans were doing just fine here until my bloodline was nearly wiped out by the fucking immigrants that you say bring so much greatness to our country
I fantasize about dying by suicide in terrible and terrifying ways
I know you’re a nihilist and do not care what happens to me…
”To be seen and not heard” while man destroys everything
But as long as we are making him a meal and doing everything for him
While he jerks off to the pretty women prostitutes
And by telling a man not to fall in love with you, they probably absolutely fucking do fall in love with these prostitutes (not commoners)
Because even the guys without any teeth, think they deserve a ten star 
And I’ve never been rated a 10 or treated with any value
Dogs and cats were made in a lab in Asia. Traced back their timeline.
Not shocking.
Cats and dogs are plagued with parasites.
The elites were plagued with parasites.
Connect the dots
“Pregnant women should not be around the cat box”. Applies to everyone!
Gavin Rossdale says cats are filthy, won’t have em in his palace. Good King.
I’m very observant. Army trained.
I got the good Army training.
Listen or don’t listen
GenX about to have a throw down, we nearly healed but at risk for ASDS heaven
It’s humans vs demons down here
Narcissism is a plague (someone with a psych degree)
My best friend died of suicide, and then her mother and I’ve been trying to die by suicide since I was in the womb but then I decided to study why everybody was so fucking depressed and it’s because of China 🇨🇳
Porn. Propaganda. Predators. The Internet should be 21+. Walmart and The Mall too. (They’re selling sex toys in front if kids)
FYI: I identify as 15 but act 500
I’m a complicated creature and require special handling
He doesn’t get me at all
How do you play the game when you know their next move?
I’m afraid of what I can do… (to self) (near through)
Can find compassion in Crow and the elite hate Crow so much – she don’t get an emoji
I’m still quarantined Like a zombie Can’t feel a fucking thing But my anger growing Like Constantine Got the Devil humming Like his offspring Forever running
My competition mostly at age 44 still ovulating – is a bunch of obese confused girls sex bots who probably removed their ability to have children
And if they haven’t yet, they will in their 30s, Hallelujah!!!!
YOU STILL GOT SOMETHING THAT THE MEN WANT AND DESIRE
AND IF NOT, YOU STILL GOT SOMETHING GOD WANTS AND DESIRES
DON’T LEAP FROM THE BRIDGE YET BABE
COLLEGE IS A SCAM
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU WERE SEXUALLY MOLESTED
YOU STILL HAVE WORTH WITH DEBT AND SAGGY BOOBS!!!!!
I GOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP OPENING YOUR EYES AND REACHING FOR THE PHONE
SOCIETY IS TOXIC
YOU HAVE WORTH BABY GIRL
I’M SORRY THESE DEMONS KNOW NO BOUNDS
I KNOW IT HURTS
YOU’RE RIGHT TO BE PISSED
BABE 144!!!!
“I see dead people”
They’re everywhere!!!!
LOST SOULS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE ELITES WERE PLAGUED WITH PARASITES
THE WORLD TODAY IS PLAGUED BY PARASITES
If you’d like to not be obese black walnut wormwood if you’d like to not be dying of cancer black walnut wormwood if you’d like to not have IBS black walnut wormwood if you’d like to live a little bit longer black walnut wormwood
How long before it’s taken off the market because I told my fucking enemy the big secret magic ingredient to this shit and he wrote it down, he wrote it fucking down, he wrote it down! I blogged about it immediately cuz the entire hour session he didn’t fucking write anything down until those three words came out! he didn’t give a fuck about the other detox medication, it was only those three words he wrote down
BLACK WALNUT WORMWOOD
WORTH OBSERVING AND NOTING
I OBSERVE EVERYTHING
And if I’m angry over the insensitive conditioning these faggot boys are doing
Maybe God is too
JUDGMENT HOUR IS HERE
GUESS WHOSE EYES HAVE SOME FUCKING WORTH
“But we like virgins”
I’M GONNA RIP YOUR PENSIS OFF
*goes back to sleep*
I HATE TIKTOK AND INSTAGRAM
I’M ONLY THERE FOR YOU
I DON’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO REACH YOU
The reason I’ve been confused on whether you should get right with God or me because same 🙄
And yep he can strike me dead any moment
I AM ONLY A VESSEL
*goes back to delusions and sleep*
I’m gonna burn it all down
Apophis is coming
We can’t leave earth
The establishment are scared
HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF CUZ MONEY IS NARCISSISM IS A MANMADE DEVIL SOCIEY DOGMA
Sorry
Channeling 😑
*breathes on window, draws weird symbol*
I DON’T KNOW WHAT ANYTHING MEANS
THE GREAT FILTER IS REAL
THE SUN IS ELECTRICAL
WE LIVE ON A WATER WORLD
No one ever said, “maybe earth was icy and smashed into other objects (uranus) pushing it closer to the sun and thus life”
It’s the demon neighbors don’t chill out with making all this unnecessary goddamn noise
Oh, they are working in groups to rob single women, elderly, and disabled
These motherfuckers won’t hesitate to shoot me in my back to steal my bike
COPS ARE DOING THEIR JOB SPREADING PROPAGANDA
DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE CROCODILE TEARS
ASIAN DICTATORS IN UNIFORM
That black guy was worried about getting caught with his weapon when his life was ending
I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR
I WILL SKIN ME A HEAD OR TWO
SHOW ME HOW MUCH I DO NOT MATTER
You love your virgin mentality so much that 68% of the species has gone extinct so fuck your goddamn propaganda ideology fuck you fuck you fuck you
It’s conditioning these other monsters to “ruin us” and sacrifice us to the dark entity early on
I CAN’T IMPRINT ON THE DEVIL
THE DEVIL CANNOT IMPRINT ON ME
FUCK YOU
We are organic computers and if the government doesn’t get their toxic shit together there’s going to be dire consequences
DIRE
THE SEVENTH SEAL IS OPEN
(There’s nowhere safe for me online social media wise. It’s so toxic for an angel) 😑
I’m parting galaxies to say goodbye Dark energy is a force that repels But space was occupied And like the The Great Attractor You’re 300,000,000 million light-years wide
It’s only hell because we’ve been in a 6000-year-old worldwide prison system based on that BOOK
And that same establishment continues to tweak its policies until you’ll believe they are the creator of you, with your OOOH AHHHH Fitbits
They use gaslighting, lovebombing, triangulation to control
With politicians, actors, influencers, teachers, preachers, cops
It’s disgusting
“But if you work hard you can own a home”
That was the Great Lie the Boomer generation sold
Then Ghosted an entire fucking generation after we’ve been the most dedicated, the most hard working, and ORIGINAL
And we watch all the younger generation’s steal our fucking content and give us no credit – and the Boomers reward them with free housing or financial assistance
The rest of us are out here winging it, living on the fucking streets, in our campers, eating one meal a day, so we can buy some fucking land before it’s too late…
Starting communities
I don’t want 5G or anywhere around it
It’s a cancer
Fuck this New Age digital world, I don’t want any part of this future
Where I don’t even have freedom of speech or my art protected
These men preyed and preyed and preyed sexually upon my best friend who died by suicide and she was 13
I’ll never recover
Her birthday was May 1
She died April 7, 1993 (just shy of her 14th birthday)
357 magnum to the head
Lost the last letter she wrote me
But there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and if I had pictures of her I wouldn’t have them stored away like everybody else who wants to forget her
And Miley Ray Cyrus sounds just like her but Miley Ray Cyrus wasn’t born but we did get to meet her dad together Billy Ray Cyrus so that was pretty fun
Mems.
There’s a picture of them floating around somewhere, not online or anything
We met lots of bands together
Pre cellphone days
I can barely even prove that she existed, there’s just this hole in my gut
They preyed upon me too baby girl
This world is too much
You were so brave
Braver than me
I wish I had your courage to die
The Judge knew I was suicidal in 2018 and wouldn’t even talk to me until I took a few breaths
She said in front of the entire courtroom that I looked like I was about to jump from the bridge behind me
Also, I had a weapon upon arrival that I didn’t know – when trying to enter – and the cop repeated the question 3 times – I laughed – “wait, do I have one?” and I did. A little mini nail file thingy that I got in the mail by the Wounded Warrior project lol
So before I could even go into the courtroom I had to walk my little mini knife all the way back to my vehicle… and then return
And by the time I made it to the Judge – good lord the humility of being sued
By the end of the session we had the entire courtroom laughing, me and the Judge..
She directly explained to me how they could get my money tho… which is untouchable
Like if I wanted to buy a plane ticket right now and just fly somewhere, the government could be like oh no oh no you you fucking owe us some money come here bitch we’re going to take your plane flight
But it must suck for the men who want to prey on me and take my money because I can get married and divorced and they can’t touch it
You can’t touch what I earned but they can keep raising my rent and the food costs… FYI
The suicide rate continues to increase among military and Veterans
Somebody recently sent me 20 bucks and I bought me some medicinals 👍
I know this isn’t my best work, I just woke up crying and I decided to put it into a poem so I just freestyle got this off my chest…
I’m okay 👍👍
Saddest girl in the world (squared)
Side note: I’m making right with my creditors and it was only for a little bit. But they can’t directly dock my check.
We both hate life so much but are stubborn, so want to see it through to the end (or at least not live life without the other)
Scary tide
But we have to stay quarantined from each other because he’s pure blood and I’m now the vaxxxxed and half-zombie 😩
But my blood is one of the rarest and eldest (only 6-11% of the population have my blood type) and I already am part werewolf and part vampire (so hello from your favorite living-dead-girl) 🧟♀️
I know thangs and sometimes my spirit guides are the dead 👀
I’m complicated and absolutely different from you
But I won’t live life without him
I will fucking drown myself in the ocean and it won’t be hard to do right now 👀
One slip and I’m gone
I’m literally burying my feet in the sand as the tide is rushing away with so much force and I’m afraid of what’s under the sand but the crazy thing is, there hasn’t been any wildlife at all and that doesn’t help my fear factor any 👀
It’s usually common for a school of fish to swim past you or you know things to bump into you
But the vibe is all off
There’s negative energy when I visit the beach now
The clouds even spell doom
No lifeguard on duty and red warning flags flying high (that already put the fear into me)
So big brother and the illuminati is going to control information flow about politics but they won’t do anything about the corporations who are mind raping us and soliciting us for our business every second and every day of our life, with our phone numbers, our private addresses, and our IP addresses!
When is enough enough?
When does citizens have some fucking privacy? Huh? I thought this was the land of the fucking free, all I see is the land of the control me, tell me what to do, tell me what to buy, and I have no way to deny.
I have no way to stop my HOME PRIVATE ADDRESS from being riddled with junk mail, coupons, or soliciting.
Why?
My private life should be private from corporations trying to play on my emotions and talk me into what I’m gonna eat or what I’m going to buy next.
Most of the shit they send me is unhealthy and I’m not gonna touch it.
And it doesn’t matter if I would want to buy it or not, I should be able to opt out from my home address being spammed
My personal, private number too.
And if you have a home phone number, it means you will get political affiliation phone calls all the time and you can’t stop your phone from ringing and it was ringing off the hook because all these politicians want you to vote their way or vote their agenda or vote for them (it’s fucking ridiculous) and their agenda is what Big Corporations want. They get donations remember? Can we say, conflict of interest!
I had to get rid of my home number because I couldn’t get any peace of mind from the phone calls
And even though I’m going to the website of businesses to opt out of communications from them, I’m still getting it…
Just waiting for the cops to show up to my door so I can explain to them why I’m unhinged and making empty threats to “burn it down”. It’s a metaphorical threat but the lady on the other end of the phone probably didn’t catch that even though I was stating directly afterwards that I was going to go to the news
She said she’d take it up with the marketing team
It probably went straight to the FBI
1984 is now
👀
Dropping loads of rants today though, on my TikTok!
Not one damn birthday card, and Spectrum is a trigger (again not an actual trigger, an emotional one)
If they try to take me away to the funny farm without my fucking permission though, I will wind up on the top o’clock news or dead
Did you know when you were singing that night to the crowd that it would be your last time?
Or did something at home trigger you?
Did you know you were going to end your life after your sold out show?
Did you know you were going to wrap a belt around your throat and hang yourself in the hotel bathroom?
That’s the exact moment you were notifying your wife Vicky, through tapping the on/off button on an app that turned your bedroom lights on and off from anywhere in the world.
Were you hoping to be saved?
Or were you telling your wife goodbye?
That’s how she knew something was wrong, the lights were turning on and off in your bedroom – but you were in Detroit in a hotel after a sold out show. She was at your home in California.
Were you speaking in code?
Did you know that would be your final performance?
You were the leader of the alternative scene.
I lost my best friend to suicide in 1993 and Soundgarden was her favorite band and now you’re gone to suicide as well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I’ve been suffering from depression all my fucking life.
I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of fighting to stay in a world I don’t belong in.
I’ve been lying to myself all my life saying it’s going to get easier, things are going to get better, things are going to change, everything is going to be all right, but I’ve been gaslighting myself.
The world is getting worse.
I’ve cried so long because I wanted to belong to somebody or somewhere or to feel wanted and loved. I’ve never even had fucking parents. I had abusers.
Y’all don’t understand.
The soulless narcissist will never understand.
Vapid.
I might as well go hang myself in a hotel fucking bathroom only I’ve got about as much money as Edgar Allan Poe did when he died on the fucking street broke and naked.
👀
That tattoo on my rib cage are words Edgar Allan Poe wrote for his wife when she died. I got Edgar in my bone.
Feeling emo.
I was hoping to find love before I die but now I’m just hoping for a box for my bones.
Sometimes I race up to the clouds To find What life is all about But then I remember My place is a head full of doubt And back down To the ground I do shout
This way to sorrow This way to despair This way to desolation This way to nobody cares
Was that your shadow leaping over my dream? What were you thinking while abandoning me?
The system is rigged everywhere Just leave me where I fell
The world is a drainpipe There’s not enough pills to gaslight It’s a battlehill And you make me ill
Was your vein not thick with poison Blood curdled and coagulated I pulled out every thorn Your heart turned into a floodgate
I need 1 sun-moon cycle where I’m not disturbed 24 hours of peace preferred
How easy he would come to me But what would he find? Scars and bits of broken pieces Unfiltered creases The ugly kind?
I don’t care about your joyrides Or do I?
What will I be known for? How I died? Suicide? But never the reasons for why I cried?
Dear Mother,
You only taught me how to suffer
Didn’t I write words of worth When you were nothing more than a speck of dust When any sun would bring you dirt I took the pain and made it work When all the world thought you a jerk I drank the blood and made you smirk When you were nothing on this on this earth I turned your no into a must
Drowning on rage Too much air in this cage
Warning signs were posted I suppose they go ignored He was a Japanese suicide forest And hope unexplored
How much times passes while you collate? Working around the second hand What kills the ache? Was it your best move? Or the worse you’ll ever make?
Harvest my disgust It’s fully ripened Polish off the dust You’ll find a diamond
Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).
Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.
And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).
“Suicide comes in three”.
But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.
We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.
So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.
But then there’s an actual fear of dying.
It’s complicated.
And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.
I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.
I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?
I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*
I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.
I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.
So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.
I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.
And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.
They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.
This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.
God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.
Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.
I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.
I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.
What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????
Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.
My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.
I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.
And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.
I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?
And this was directly after a sold out show.
Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.
Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.
I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.
Too much.
Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.
I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.
Too much.
It’s a pink crystal for health and healing but I can’t find a quiet zone anywhere, at any time, to meditate. Manic.
If you’d like to help support this blog or my creativity, please consider subscribing to my Patreon or OnlyFans. Donations or tips extremely appreciated, too. I am on PayPal, CashApp, and my blog is now accepting donations! You can make one in the box below. Thank you for your support! Times are hard! Every penny goes towards this lifeboat and helps keep this blog afloat and advertisement free (zero spam)! Thank you!
None of you were worth it You made me worthless Able to love less Daily a failed test Deserving a holed chest A bullet not a vest Time to give it a rest Suicide at its best
My best friend had the right idea putting a 357 Magnum gun to her head and blasting a bullet through her brain ending her precious litte life before age 14.
I don’t know why I stuck around this long lying to myself pretending things would get better. They have not.
My best friend’s mom later hung herself on a fucking rope at like age 46 and I’m not far from it.
Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t live without love either and died on the fucking street naked, unknown, poor, fucking broke, and heartbroke. I dare say he was depressed too and I’m officially diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed. People haven’t got much better. BEASTS in CARDIGAN. Some without a backbone or spine. That’s why they can easily replace you on a dime they’re empty and soulless.
Suicidal and out of fucks to give.
Too much gaslighting and narcissism in the world. No love or nurturing coming in.
The sheeple over run.
I WANT OUT. LET ME OUT
*free yer mind* *okie dokie* *if you die in the Matrix you die in the real world* *jumps from bridge*
Maybe I’m gone. Maybe it’s like I don’t exist at all. Wet hairs. Had a bath. Clean but found a new way to hurt. If I could be who you wanted all the time <frowngarden>
He could know He could tear out the knot and tangles that we sew He could go He could block me eternally, still I glow Even when faint, to him, my light will show So I flow
Welp. Can’t get him to block my existence (yet). I can attack him under my pen, under my full name, under my social media accounts, under my email, on my blog, through poetry, he’s got the ultimate ghosting Poker Face, I’ve thrown jabs, gut-wrenching flaming bombs of blame, spat on his name (actually I don’t think I’ve done that, I actually wrote him a poem with his name as an acronym in the title and as a line in the poem, which was hard to do, because I’m madly in fucking love with him and was stupid enough to tell him on his goddamn fucking social media in private message like a fucking roaring lunatic).
It went like this. ‘Hi. I’m suicidal and might die. I wrote this for you. Just thought you should know in case I die’. I don’t think it went down very well. Do you reckon that’s how Edgar Allan Poe delivered his poems to the love of his life (who was his blood cousin but we can’t all be perfects). Welp.
Did I mention I’m not like other girls? I’m rather quirky, weird, and odd. I bite strangers on random; girls, boys, whenever the mood strikes, on a neck or wrist, with such delicate precision and precise pain, that all have been shocked by it, but always moved in a positive way, because it was a weirdly pleasurable experience for them. “You bit me”. “Ee, I kind of did, didn’t I? Oops sorry”. But, none of them have ever felt violated in any way and probably still recall on the experience (though I won’t know, because I don’t even know who they were/ are). I just do it at random. I haven’t really been biting people lately though. But the urges are there. I literally bite people’s girlfriends and boyfriends, but I do it in a non-sexual way, it’s hard to explain it. I do it as a greeting and then I disappear. Sometimes I stick around and chat for a minute or two because my presence will be requested. When I let people see my weirdness they’re impressed. Sometimes I use my brain to blow people’s minds in other ways. But very few are allowed around the real me. I can only say I have psychic abilities and ways to exchange energy and there are people out there who literally think I’m an actual angel who fell. I’ve done meditation sessions and I can know someone’s sign within 5 minutes of meeting them, it blows their mind, “but how” they beg to know”! I tell them I studied astrology intensely when I was 15 “but how” they’d ask! Well, with me mind. Third eye.
Men would have literally burned me at the stake or drowned me with stone tied around my ankle or some other heinous crime as a witch in the 1800s had I been around!
I’m a super sensitive creature and I don’t do well around a lot of people. Or maybe people at all. I like people I do. Sometimes. 👀
My skin and eyes are sensitive to light because I’m part vampyre.
And my skin is sensitive to certain metals because I have Lycan blood in me (I howl at the Moon and bite people on random beware).
Yes, people are scared of me. Boo.
I am a goth queen. I just look really fucking poor because I’m a proper Nosferatu. But I’m going to try to step up my Nosferatu image as soon as the Jeep is paid off and I can start buying black clothing again. I want to start a classy nude cosplay on my Patreon. Just had someone ask me to get on the OnlyFans (and I might reconsider it cuz I was on it for like 5 minutes but I wasn’t aware there was a fucking shadowban going on). I’ve also been tweeking my circle, and unfortunately my crazy ass has actually blocked patrons, so I’m literally kicking people out my life, because I’m suicidal and out-of-control apparently! Woo hoo rubber room y’all (I will escape. I escaped the facility in Alabama on more than one occassion and they had to change all their fucking rules because of me. I was 16 and on suicide watch half the time I was there but left the leader. I left the leader even though I escaped the building several fucking times and was on suicide watch. I AM SPECIAL. LIKE MY MIND IS STUPID POWERFUL YO.
I would just like to point out that I am not against sex work, I am against guys abusing the female population and I think sometimes my message might get lost in between my crazy ass behavior (I act out when I’m suicidal online because I feel very close to how Michael Hutchence did before he fucking tore up his body dying by suicide. Sometimes I want to take a razor blade and just go fucking crazy on myself so like I’m fucking unhinged right now, I know). THAT’S WHY I’M DISABLED. IT’S CALLED DEPRESSION. I WANT TO DIE. At least that’s what my thoughts keep telling me to do, which makes me cry about it, because it’s a really scary thing to think about and I don’t actually want to wind up like Michael Hutchence so I wind up attacking people online cuz I’m waiting for my knight to come save me I guess. It’s definitely not “in hospital care”, I don’t even know how they can call it fucking care, it’s fucking insanity. You go to the hospital, you say, “hi I’m thinking about killing myself and need some help” so they take your clothes from you and they take your phone from you, you can’t have anything that brings you pleasure, you can’t have any books, you can’t have any music, but you can have a Bible and big Pharma!!!!! I’m acting out. Sure. Because I don’t want to wind up like Chris Cornell, who was notifying his wife in the middle of his suicide act, via an app, which turned their bedroom lights on and off, and he did this after a sold-out show in a hotel room!!! I don’t want to wind up like my other heroes like Kurt Cobain or my best friend who died by suicide and every day it’s a battle to not fucking die!!!!
I’m not pretending to be depressed or suicidal. I’m a war veteran and I am being completely transparent about what I’m going through currently because I might die by this disease that I’ve essentially been battling my whole life but gets worse with every breath.
I don’t know what I would do if he blocked me back, I think I would actually fucking die. I’m a horrible person. I probably should die.
I don’t think I’m actually that horrible but some of my fucking actions are and make me really remorseful because I’m not a narcissist.
Every time I hurt him I just hurt me more.
But it’s a lesson I can’t learn because I keep hurting us.
I think maybe he should just fuck me. I think if I got laid half my problems would dissolve in an instance because I have like three years of writing this dude poetry and being insanely fucking madly in love with him and sometimes I’m a star collapsing under my own weight. Or he’s a black hole tugging me. Or I’m the black hole stealing his light. Or maybe we belong together.
Or maybe our love story is similar to that of dracul Vladimir Tepes. I’m trying not to dive off the tower like Mina did. Or, after he spends millenia looking for me, I have to end his misery only to be kept with my own (and still without him, tho the love won’t die). I fell in love with him, God won’t allow me not to love him, I was born loving him. This I know.
Edgar Allan Poe died without his love too. 😭
As soon as Johnny Cash lost his wife, he lost his battle to cancer. He gave up the good fight. 😭
I don’t want to live without him but I keep pushing him away! 😭
*sobs uncontrollably*
*the chances of dying in the street increased*
So on some days I’m ready to retire and on other days I’m ready to open up my nude Patreon tier. On some days, I want to die and on other days I’m living life.
Stay tuned. I’m bound to fall again. And again.
Some secrets I’m never telling. Be careful what the devil is selling.
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone.
Will you be there to watch your mom die Or will it be by the hand of suicide Years and years of these trials Hard to keep you by my side Took a chance once or twice And might succeed tonight – oh son!
Some call it paradise But it’s a parasite Understand what living’s like It’s like your under knife Want a hand to get it right Don’t leave the world a fright – oh son!
Accept that life is might Don’t have the heart to fight I wear this sadness tight Like a rope in flight Sorry’s nowhere in sight And I’m alone, alright! – oh son!
Y’all, I’m fine. It’s a song I’m writing, and I wish I could get the melody from my head to my guitar and my vocals. I also wish I could write a guitar solo from the tip of my tongue the way David Gilmour can. I can’t. I know maybe 4 chords. I can’t evenwhistle.
I’m sharing my struggles with you. Because there’s a 50% chance I might not make it out alive… dark times.
Depression is when every part of you wants to give up and roll over but you crawl on, in agony, anyway.
Some escape this despair, for other’s it’s terminal. There’s a 50/50 chance for survival. You’ll need rigorous response to recover and live with depression. Currently, I’m trying alternative treatments and therapy. Stuff doesn’t always work. Sometimes I become immune to treatments. Sometimes I disappear for days and no one knows where I am or hears from me. Sometimes they force treatment on me, throw me in rubber rooms, where it takes 6 people to hold me down just to shoot my ass up with Thorazine. Regardless if you go voluntary or not for in-house treatment, they will take all your clothes from you and your phone, you can’t have any of your books, but you’re allowed the Bible, you can’t talk to anybody, you can’t read magazines or listen to music, because there’s this underlying misconception that “stuff” can make you better.
And then no one wants to admit to having mental health issues because you get called “crazy” or other demeaning terms,and often the closest people around you, will use those terms against you when they are angry.
If you are struggling, I’m not going to say it gets better, because honestly, it gets worse. Depression isn’t about how much money you have or fame, it doesn’t care if you are broke or rich, and that’s why rich people die from depression too. But these things can be symptoms of depression. Depression can come about just because it wants to. It doesn’t take a death, or job loss, divorce, or any other event to be depressed. That’s why you shouldn’t ask people, “what do you have to be depressed about?”. Depression is a mental health illness, you’re ILL. You might need meds, therapy, short or long term treatments. It’s not your fault that you are ill. You are not alone. Hang on.
Edit to add: Sometimes depression is environmental so it doesn’t always require therapy or treatment. Sometimes it requires a change in your environment or situation. So don’t always assume a pill can make something better. And don’t push big pharma on others or make demeaning comments like, “you haven’t taken your medication have you”.
Hellos. I’m fine despite dark thoughts swirling like a nebula. Depression.
If you appreciated this post, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon. If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here. Thank you.
Hey y’all! Thank you to everyone who helped make my birthday special yesterday!! If you left love on my socials or watched me on Twitch, double thank you! I’ll be going live again soon! 😍
Yesterday, Joy for Jan, a depression awareness group, ran by two ladies who lost their mother by suicide, also published a special video message I recorded for them, on their Instagram TV/ IGTV. It’s a little over 10 minutes long and talks about the misconception that you can just “snap out of depression”. Most of us have been guilty of thinking this or asking this of others. “Hey come on, cheer up, what do you have to be sad about?”. Well that’s the thing, there’s plenty to be sad about but it doesn’t require an event to make you depressed. Everything can be going great in your life and you or someone you know can still get depression.
Check out the special video message I made for them and check out their website and socials. If you prefer, they published the video on their Facebook page too. You can view that here.
They are an excellent support group for mental health awareness.
Follow them, listen to others, spread the word. Let’s help change the misconceptions regarding depression and mental illness.
We all know someone who is suffering from depression, or we’ve lost someone to suicide, or we suffer from depression ourselves.
You’re not crazy, you’re ill.That’s why it’s called a mental illness.
And often it takes rigorous response to treat depression. Depression is and can be TERMINAL.
The suicide rate continues to rise worldwide, not just among military and Veterans, but civilians as well. Have some compassion for yourself and for others.
Practice the art of forgiveness.
Sending light and love to those suffering from mental illness and to those who have lost someone to mental illness.
If you dig my blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon. If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here. Thank you.
He’s going down a road I’ll never be taking But that doesn’t stop the moon every night from breaking Getting more rest won’t stop me from aging And long are the hours in shame we are aching
He’s a golden statue crumbling down The crown he wears just drags the ground He’ll likely beg where she is bound A noose around his fate was found
What is truth but feeling numb And watching others acting dumb Why have one when none’s a sum When you predict every outcome
I chewed off more than I can bite It’s possible I’ll die tonight I’m not okay but that’s alright You’ll never see me make it right
I’ve been approved by the state for medical. There’s so much fear mongering about it uggg. I’ll likely do a blog post about it. Is this still a safe place!?!
Why did you go? Where did you lead us? There are armies bleeding tears which swell and swallow whole moons Why did you take the light with you to leave us here to croon? My hope floats on fear all afternoon Sometimes the darkness is blinding And always there reminding It got you too soon Reason only comes in brigades of sorrow Where doubt peeks its head at tomorrow But cowers behind the window Why did you fall after the show? Now all the angels trow There are chains on the month of May The Earth pulling the days Our eyes are pulk You lost your way All the days are heavy Like heaven falling on its knee That’s where we plea Please don’t you leave! Where are the steps to find you? Our godfather of grunge Our black sun There is little truth in flame Are drugs to blame? You were the sun to somebody, everybody Every day We will remember your name I am the same Living decay Now where will the summer lead Where will the sun fade
Written for and dedicated to Chris Cornell of Soundgarden who died by suicide (poem and photo edits by me @poeeternal) RIP 💔💔💔
Chris Cornell (edit by me)Chris Cornell (edit by me)
If you dig my writing, you can support my advertisement free blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
The scars on my veins a reminder of pain The courage just to continue each day Cuz living with depression is living under chain You may call me crazy but I’m rather quite sane
The days are heavy and I haven’t any strength Every foot forward the deeper I sink The treatments are barbaric and push me to the brink Every other year I’ve got another kind of shrink
Sending some love hehe (in case you forgots)Hi’sI had therapy today and I don’t regret it. My first ponytail since the 1600s. Some of my biggest mistakes were haircuts. And ponytails?
I love the wonderful feedback about my poetry, that’s why I’m now on Patreon which is an excellent platform for writers and artist. Can you help me reach my goal? www.patreon.com/poeeternal
I give a little still they need a lot I swing for gold but miss my shot I pull the thread, they tie the knot I turn around then lose my spot
I bust through fears like it’s a door I’m exposing things I haven’t before I’ve been wandering for ages lost on his shore And I’m terrified our country is headed for war
Many are choices yet few we can choose And I wonder just really who could fit these shoes And I gave him my word and he gave me the blues And I gave him my heart now there’s nothing to lose
Been stumbling around and lost in a maze And I’m choking on fumes that came from his blaze Yet no matter how he hurts me the love always stays Maybe I’m just broken and desperate for his praise
I hear so much chatter but there’s nothing people say Yet ask them where they’re going they’ll get back another day And I really give my all, that’s just the price we pay It’s like we’re skipping first base and heading straight for the freeway!!
Sometimes I think a bridge is there for me to jump And an ocean is a gully where all my hope has sunk Sometimes I’m wise and knowing and other times I’m drunk But mostly these days I rarely give a fuck
Patience is a virtue and some don’t know the drill If silence is really golden, I am searching still He is just a sleeping lion ready for the kill And she is just a tool to help him seal the deal
If you dig my blog, you can support my writing/art and help keep this blog going by pledging to my Patreon (so much love for my Patrons): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
There is no life in this blood Heartache rushing in like a flood My heart is buried in your mud And giving up, I would if I could
These streets are lined with people who are down Yet your hand is never one that can be found On broken backs you prance around And forgetting you, I probably should
It’s either burning bridges or half- frozen lakes And how to get through, I don’t know what it takes Sleeping pills or alcohol won’t stop the aches And all your meanings, well I clearly misunderstood
Good luck with her, her, her, and her (there’s 4 of them right?) I’m just tired of being an outcast and a fool for love. Reading your poetry and comments to girls is like falling straight into a cactus naked. I can’t do it anymore. I’m literally going to die if I get one more prick. Goodbye
If you dig my writing, you can support my blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (I love my Patrons!): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
Slaves to the 1 percent Chained by the narcissists One foot forward ’til the other quits Mind says no but the heart persists
Damnation at the edge of both wrists You think it is love but you never have kissed He binds you so tight with the lies that he twists You cannot stop now no matter the risk
The devil’s tongue is hard to resist His hold on you tighter than both fists No matter your move he’s ahead of the lists As inch by inch you cease to exist
Our life is an epic poem Like the Great Red Spot on Jupiter Our pain is our greatest storm And we burrow and we rise in perfect form
Struggles are ingredients to our lives
And we sprinkle bits of honey on the knives
And we reach such depths in our dives
But this is how all life thrives
In our toolkit we have so much courage We eat our sadness like it is porridge We peer into darkness where we flourish And our will becomes an endless forage
Alex Ebert inspires me so much, in every possible way. His pep talk on Tuners radio hit a core. I am grateful for him. For being able to learn and grow and not be stagnant in my woe. But to flourish and thrive. You cannot have light without the dark. And so I see my darkness in a new light. And so I take these waves to greater heights, as I settle in the cold black night. Everything’s gonna be alright. Just gotta get through the bite. Then sight. If you struggle with depression or suicidal thoughts and ideation, you really should go listen to his pep talk, it’s under 2 minutes but maybe the greatest lesson of my life. Listen for free (no download needed): https://tuners.io/tracks/13446
I also dropped this poem as a spoken word reply under his thread “You Are Courageous” under Alex’s Tuners Radio account, if you wanna have a listen: https://tuners.io/tracks/13492
Forward calls, voicemail full
Store away the wings, ride the bull
Expose the mask, clean the wool
Give sheeple a tug, see if heart can pull
Cotton balls or iron spoons Pay for love through blackened rooms Seen as gain but more cartoons Heard them crying over popped balloons
Walk away again, bury my hope
You gave him love, he gave you rope
Sinful tongue must clean with soap
Life just means I cannot cope
Sunday here, someday gone
Won’t even bother writing a Dear John…
Might stick around and watch his dawn
But he took me down like a baby fawn
He set the bar low but it is nonexistent
Perhaps it is there and I only missed it
If it’s a girl with missing panties, he will crawl persistent
If it’s an angel with a heartbeat, he will keep his distance
It was a 357 Magnum that took her life She wrote me a note then died that night She said she loved me the last time we spoke And then she never again awoke
Meika Dawn Capps was her name I never did again feel the same I’d spend all day with her at the cemetery When she died I was also buried
April 7th, 1993 An asteroid called suicide got the best of me The gun even had a scope Years later her mother died at the end of a rope
Two funerals and a broken girl
I am definitely the saddest in the world
News it broke that Wednesday ‘mourning’
And I have never stopped hurting
She taught me everything, from how to shave to how to insert a tampon. Bestie foreverrrr. She died by suicide and years later her mother too. Meika’s first boyfriend also died by suicide two months before she died and he’s buried right near her. “Suicides always happen in 3” – something I learned in college which stuck with me.
I love you. Your death was apocalyptic to my soul. A day does not pass without you on my mind. You were my muse then, and my muse now. I miss getting into trouble with you. Skipping down the halls of school singing Pink Floyd. Writing songs together. Jumping off the balcony onto the trampoline. Moon bathing at night. Laughing together. Crying together. Meeting bands together. Late night cheese stick eatings. Watching headbangers ball. Staying on the phone with each other until we fell asleep and then waking up with the phone still connected and saying ‘see you at school’. I’m not the same without you. I miss your makeup tutorials. Your blue eyes. You speaking like Elmo. You never judging me. Wearing each others clothes and shoes. You hating that I was a few months older than you, and then briefly each year us being the same age- and how happy that made you- until my birthday came. Sharing our dreams and aspirations. Playing guitar together even though we didn’t know any chords yet. Those plans of starting a band. That moment you wanted to be a bass player and how excited we were to start a band. You calling me “creampuff” and I you “juicyfruit”. You were my best friend and soul mate. I was too young to understand depression so your suicide was both sudden and shocking. It changed my entire existence. It left a deep impact in my soul. I still cry out for you. I still need you. I still love you. Your last words to me were “I love you”. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. And I wish I had known you were thinking of ending your life. But how could I have known when I suffered from the same illness. I should have stayed in better contact with your mommy because years later she took her life too. And when I saw bits of your coffin peeking out from the dirt, as your mom was being laid to rest next to you, memories of that day you left me rushed back into my mind. There’s no way of knowing if you exist in some other realm than me. But I hope when I cross that plain you will be there waiting. There’s so much I need to tell you. You taught me a very hard lesson in life. I cherish our memories, the good and bad. I NEVER want to forget you. I miss you. Always. Forever. Eternally Yours. xx (RIP Meika Dawn Capps May 1, 1979 – April 7, 1993))
Meika With Billy Ray Cyrus (I was there too)Meika with Peter from Trixter (I was there too) Billy Ray Cirus and self, age 13, 1993 (this was the year I thought it a good idea to cut my hair short and have a feather bang and wear shoulder pads) Sister, Billy Ray Cirus, self 1993 That’s my dad’s tour bus on the left and that was Billy Ray Cyrus’s tour bus on the right… I’ve had an interesting life. Lots of unshared stories. There aren’t many pictures that exist from the 90s. I miss you so much baby girl… Not a day goes by, not a day goes by, without you in my mind. I need you so much. I once asked “why did you leave me” but now I know depression took you. I’m sorry I lost the last letter you wrote me, I regret it everyday. All these years later, you were still the only thing I ever had.
13, the age I died. I just want to share my real story. Part of my journey. I wish I had one photo of us together, and so that’s why I’m obsessed with photographing everything now. The 90s. The best and worst decade ever with little photographic evidence.
He offered me the sky, said it would be no problem to buy, if I wanted it He flashed diamonds in my eye, that should easily satisfy, said I have credit Replace that hardened cry, with a fresh necktie, I’ve got the perfect fit I looked the devil in the eye, I said you trixter of a guy, as the blood left my wrist
Suicide awarenesseveryday. I’m on the guestlist to see Peter Hook in Atlanta this month, I’ve waited all year for this. My only REGRET in life would be not hearing this live. Why is this related? Well, the lead singer/songwriter of a band I dig died by suicide, Ian Curtis. When that happened, Joy Division became New Order and NO is a favorite band. Hooky was the co-founder of both bands. I dance alot to New Order. ALOT.
Ian Curtis – suicide Mina Tepes – suicide Kurt Cobain – suicide Judas Iscariot – suicide Etika – suicide Robin Williams – suicide Archias of Cyprus – suicide Hunter S Thompson – suicide Diaeus – suicide Sylvia Plath – suicide Cleopatra – suicide Alexander McQueen – suicide Marilyn Monroe – suicide Chris Cornell – suicide Ernest Hemingway – suicide Michael Hutchence – suicide
Me with the leader of the goth revolution, Peter Hook, last year in Orlando, I was on the guestlist. Don’t know if I’ll get to meet him this time, but I can’t wait to hear the songs, some of my favorite will be played this time, and Hooky is my favorite bass player! This was taken on a crappy cellphone after hours of dancing/sweating, care nots! It’s actually a fun story, I didn’t realize it was actually Hooky smoking inside the building under the “no smoking” sign, when I asked to come down to that particular area and he invited me down that way three times. I dropped my purse in the middle of the backstage hall when I realized it was Hooky and followed him out the door leaving my purse and pass on the floor! About 10 minutes later the manager of the venue brought it to me as I was still outside shook from having just met Hooky. I was like OMFG THANK YOU cuz I was mingling with the rest of the band and talking to others so it still wasn’t on my mind that my purse was in the middle of the hall backstage floor. Gig life. The entire story is longer. 😂I was guestlisted for Peter Hook & The Light, Orlando, Florida 2018 My favorite place to be, front row of a favorite band (Peter Hook, New Order / Joy Division 2018, crappy cellphone photo by me)
“I do terribly bad things”, she said with a saddened sorrow “Spontaneous combustion”, Lu replied She was gazing in her mirror, Lu was just behind Leaning on her shoulder, like he was her beau
He goes places with her no other will go
He knows too many things he shouldn’t know
A mask to Lu is an open window
The thicker they get, the more that you owe
“My tongue is full of sin” she said
As she took a blade, her eyes were blood red
The cold steel on her neck, her gaze still ahead
With careful, quick precision, Lu swiped the blade from her hand, he was never much of a figurehead
“Terribly bad things”, as she crashed to the floor A creature of the underworld, and she could take no more Too many souls abandoned, what is she fighting for If only love could be her savior
“Hey kid, they only fear your purity because they sin, They act tough where their skin is thin, They create chaos in an endless cycle they spin, They search for winnings, where the devil will always win”
With a hand that swung with the thunder of Thor
With a face of refusal and ready for war
With her hand on the trigger and ready to score
Standing an inch from the devil she let out a roar
Do you ever feel like the devil is on your shoulder? That was sort of the goal for the bathroom mirror scene. Now’s he’s been all through the house. Time to see a priest, deep, dark thoughts abide. Maybe an exorcist too. Definitely could use spiritual cleansing from a psychic.
Depression worry not
Just divide your time into slots
Write a list of don’ts
Match it with the won’ts
Give the list a plot
Tie it in a knot
Care not where I rot
Then again on second thought
Gotta find that perfect spot
And then maybe it’s worth a shot
I’m a zombie: life and death is a constant postpone
It takes all of my energy just to sit here and moan
Oh my fucking gawdddddd, how many times have you heard, “just make a list” when you are depressed? I’m going to make a list alright and shove it up their fucking ass. I can’t even make a list on how to die. My will is not up to date. I can’t even fucking decide on a way. Or a place. And then, the dog… BUT I digress, somehow, if I just start making lists on things to be done (with dying number one) then my life would be in order, and if I just let God in I wouldn’t be depressed either, so says society. But if I tell my doctors that I want to fucking kill myself, they’ll take everything from me and lock me up in a fucking rubber room. Barbaric are the practices for treating depression. So, since no one can get it fucking right, y’all get to sit back and judge me from behind your screens, and some of you will even poke and prod me and then when I bite you call me crazy and you disappear. And since society has a hard time understanding that being depressed is not the same as being fucking crazy, the death toll continues to rise and I’m trying my hardest to jump on that fucking bandwagon. But, I’m too lazy too sick to even write a list of things to get done. And I don’t think I really want to die, I just want a friend cuz isolation is cold and dark and it’s kinda scary in here and fuck you for not forgiving me for biting you when you caused me to bite in the first place. Shame on you.
Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea
Caught between dilemma and what you mean to me
Caught between a wrong and caught without my sight
Caught me with my mind when it wasn’t screwed on tight
Caught between the truth and having privacy
But none of these reasons grant you the right to see
Caught between an answer and caught beneath the light
Caught between the bygones and a hand that seems to bite
Caught between an angel and where a devil blew his horn
Caught between the towers falling in an endless mourn
Caught between a moral and caught between a fight
Caught between the will to not end my life tonight
I don’t know if I did that Devil phrase any justice but then I completely changed the rhyme scheme in the end but also many of the end words and then I couldn’t decide on whether to keep going or not… because feelings. And I know I could have carried on the rhyme scheme in the end but, rebel…
Years passed on and he always wondered how she got on with her life
But one evening, word finally returned, she ended her life that night
When he asked of her body, her grave, they said it was the ocean
She was never recovered from the boat she jumped, “there wasn’t a note son…”
So, thank you so much for 25,000 visits to this here blog cuz it just surpassed 25K! Woah. I wanted to write a 50 word short story in poetry format and since it’s October or nearly Halloween, I went with a death/ horror theme. I wanted to see how much impact I could give a poem with as little information about the characters as possible. I wanted there to be a sense of doom but also a feeling of empathy and unresolved questions. Like, did it make you wonder what happened to them? Just like he wondered all those years what happened to her. Did he imagine she was better off without him? Did he wonder if she was happy all those years? Does it make you wonder who they were to each other? Did you feel sad or gutted for him receiving such tragic news? Did you feel empathy or loss for him? Could you feel the mood or “put yourself in his shoes”?
By the way, I didn’t count the “the”, “and”, or “a”.
Can you write a 50 word short story too? I challenge you to do so, and brownie points if you can pull it off in poetry format. It doesn’t have to be a Halloween or horror theme, but if you’re up for the double challenge? I’m sure these 50 word short story thingys exist but I just came up with the idea of doing one in poetry format and Halloween themed. If my little story moved you, hit that like button or drop me a comment. And definitely let me know if you do the challenge. 👻👻👻
Take my hand, replace the pen with blade
Remove the smile and put on the ache
Close my eyes and pull down the shade
Memories are better when they fade
Take the ink and spread it on my pain
Ensure the tears are gone without a trace
Organize regrets and hide their face
Erase the love that’s written on the page
Say amends but never say goodbye
The space so far he’d never hear me cry
If I could take his pain you know I’d try
And if he ever wrote I would reply
I told the doctor I don’t want to be issued Prozac
He guarantees, it’ll help the things, my future lack
I told the pharmacist, I had things I needed to get off my back
And with a smile, or a devil’s grin, I reached and took my sack
I told my friends, I’m sleeping well, though an insomniac I tell them still, I’m up the hill, but I can’t relax I take a knee, and pray to God, that was the climax Both depression and anxiety yelling back at me to face the facts
Sidenote: I don’t really take Prozac but I could throw at you a slew of other prescriptions. Though I’m advocating for medical mary to be written for vets…because truthfully, it’s the ONE thing that works (and I feel less like ripping someone’s head off). If vets had access to medicinal mary, there’d be less suicides because big Pharma actually does make you more suicidal and so the propaganda and fear-mongering against that plant needs to stop *pops pill*
I’m so scared for that little girl
Who grew up abused in a broken world
By men who only ever used
Who never taught her love
Or how to be well
No one will care
Unless to get rid of
That little girl now five foot six
It matters not if love exists
For it has never reached her lips
Love serves only as a crucifix
Oh how I cry for her!
To her family a stranger
To the world a number
To death an anchor
I cannot save her though I tried
I must now stop being her guide
For I only seem to make her cry
And make her pain multiply
Oh how I hold her tight!
And squeeze with all my might
Her eyes blind from sight
Her body coiled from fright
She is a desperate, fragile thing
The gentleness of a morning spring
A seed in the dark in need of blooming
She is the breath of an angel singing
Oh how I know her aches!
I know her dreams and her mistakes
I know where her branches break
I know the thunder her cries make
Tiny frail hands always with blessings
Teaching others love was always the lessons
Helping others was always the message
But now it’s time to end the sessions
PoeEternal 