I didn’t spill your secret
But I know the ones who do
And underneath I keep it
Even when my spear’s in you

© Delia Ross. 2022 / @poeeternal

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I didn’t know

For the longest time I only assumed…

But the universe showed me a different view

And although the source wanted me to know

We probably still could sue?

Because believe it or not, them divulging that information to me, put a lot of complicated shit on my back

They literally gave away your secret and then I attacked you because I’m not screwed on right

I don’t need you to make me suffer anymore than I already do for my “crazy fucking behavior”

The establishment are driving us insane

Poor Edgar couldn’t stomach it

But alas, he didn’t die in vain

Nor John Jones…

Jacob on the other hand… that whirlpool is keeping me up at night

All the times I was like “I think I can swim across the river” and people were like “no I don’t think you can” and I’m like “yeah I think I can” and I’m out there swimming in the fucking river and jumping off into quarries or swinging off of fucking ropes into the abyss

“Make sure you let go, you gotta let go”

Or like that one time my boyfriend pushed me off of a 50 foot bridge, not to mention all the other times I jumped off a 50 foot bridge into the water and forgot what I was doing while I was falling…

I’ve stood in front of a train blowing its horn and blinding me

I’ve ran from the cops into a field of barbwire

But I’ve been suicidal since before I was born

Must be tired of being recycled and leveling up while the world crumbles and burns

I dunno

I have never denied being suicidal and they’ve locked me up in padded rooms and shot me up with Thorazine

It was a playbook for insanity, me in there singing, “I wanna go home / take off this uniform and leave the show”

I escaped the asylum on 3 occasions during a month long stay

I was 15

They changed their rules every time

Still, I left the leader…

I call the shots

You should see all the training the military and the department of defense gave me and I was like a sponge soaking it up and they loved sending me to classes

Super Soldier

Still can’t add/subtract/divide

Math is the enemy

It has made me cry cry cry

On numerous occasions

Stop judging somebody’s worth on how clever they can put a sentence together or multiply

Granted, I wish I had certain skill sets

But God made me free

But I was born inside a prison

I have always questioned authority

I have always questioned the narrative so many blindly follow

“Well that’s a stupid tradition”, I’d say

You may act like I’m untrustworthy and terrible with secrets but I’m not actually the one giving them away

And Uncle Sam trusts me with his secrets

I have never told any

In fact, when all the married soldiers were going out for a “boys night out” and I couldn’t come because they were “going to cheat”, I didn’t tell the wives whom I knew and shared meals with

Stop making up excuses not to talk to me

I know the real reason anyway

You’d have to change

You have to want that for yourself and I don’t want to be in a relationship with anybody, I was just trying to be on civil terms again

But I guess we are in fifth grade and it’s one of those things “well if you’re friends with so-in-so, so I’m not gonna be friends with you…

Passes letter

Would you like to not be mad at each other anymore? (check the box) (please return)

Yes 🔲

No 🔲

Maybe 🔲

(Turn over) 👉

Pssst I’m good with secrets

Made traditional beans n toast for dinner, with a little sweet onion and pickled beets on the side (and water)

TikTok now has given me the ability to do stories!

I know lots of secrets and have some of my own…

I’m still coming to terms with my sister dying

I had a dream and she visited me

I don’t want to fall on regret because I couldn’t fix her thus our relationship would have always been toxic

She never got over the fact that our daddy was fucking her when she was four years old

She was extremely cruel to me my entire life

My mother too…

Anyhoo

We are all circling around that same whirlpool currently though

I really want to get control of my emotions and stop acting a horses ass every time I feel triggered

For starters

In hindsight, I know I was crying out

It’s a cry for help

And then I got so suicidal and in my head I felt like the only person I wanted to connect with before I died was you…

The fact that, even in my final moments my signal is always directed at you

I’m sorry

I don’t know why I’ve given you that burden

And I know you’re distracted by a 100 million girls but I love you

All the yous

Mostly

You can’t change your stars

But we could probably sue PayPal

I don’t know all the lingo, I’m not actually that smart. I’m smart enough to get you to the place that you need to be thinking about the things that you need to think about, that’s as far as I can take you, then you’ve got to kind of drive the rest of the way and kind of help me over the mountain top but also allow me to be myself when I can

I’m a Leo (fire sign) so rarely ask for help but people are quick to kick you when you do

I don’t know why I act so possessive over you, I struggle with that but then “your mind makes it real” and you know I go places…

I don’t stop going places with you

I loved you before I knew…

I’m struggling with my health and it’s up and down and there are things that I just need to get off of my chest, I need the record to be set straight

I want to sue PayPal for breach of contract and breach of trust and for giving me the list of anonymous donors in a fucking invoice several months later

That didn’t help the stalking loving you

I had other anonymous donors and I didn’t stalk them, it was just your name really stood out you know

What a shit thing for them to do and what a shit thing for me to do

I don’t blame you for hating me

For causing destruction in your life

Maybe I don’t want you to burn

My sister won’t even face me in my own fucking dreams…

But she’s rooting for me (I think)

I don’t know anything

I jumped into this timeline to avoid dying from my mysterious death and things are really fucking complicated jumping into this timeline with a brain injury OK

I think I love you in the beyond…

I’m learning to forgive my mistakes

I hope you can forgive me too (even if your friends never do)

Friends who control who you talk to aren’t really your friends…

I’m scared of the things I can’t remember that I’ve done… 👀

Also made pudding to go with the beans and toast

Leftovers too…

Hope everyone is safe out there!

I’m trying to be better in every way…