Store said she’d been there the longest – adopted and returned
They said she likes to bite
Charlie already wants to extend the family
I told Charlie it might not be best knocking Daisy up her first night here
Not to mention the HABs aren’t even completed
I was going in for substrate and saw that sign for “50% off”
They said eventually it’d be reduced even further – to 75% and then well… she goes one more place and tries one more time (where surely she will bite and their number one rule for biting is “put down”)
It saddens me this society – this lifestyle of bartering one another at what cost
There was another girl that was born there – i really wanted her – she had a cow-like print
I NEED LAND
And a shed
I don’t care what the influencers think
“…this is animal abuse”
But mine are sleeping peacefully in their chaotic HAB
(HAB is short for habitat for those who don’t know)
They also get me as their caretaker and no one on TikTok seems to get that
I told Daisy today that the family returned her because she didn’t belong with them, she belonged here
I’m scared of Daisy
But she let’s me handle her, has not bit me, and has stopped squealing like a squeaky toy when I pick her up
She also allows me to segregate Charlie even tho she runs after him
It’s new to her
Probably hurts
She knows she wants it but she don’t
And Charlie be down there doing things that should be behind closed doors
But she could rip his head off when she is thru
And that’s the reality of adopting two Syrian hamsters from different stores
Male and female
Of breeding age
It’s almost like I needed enrichment in my life
Trying to keep two hamsters from killing one another or falling in-love
They said she was spicy so I named her after a sweet flower
Daisy seems to have already taken to her name
She knows not to bite me….
She’s learning her new HABs
She’s met Charlie 4 times – and he was ready to extend the family right away
They have been grooming one another
Licking and sniffing
Lots of face-to-face stare offs
Nose touches
Could be love or war
She’s not as fit? It was her first time on a 10 inch or 8 inch wheel. They had a saucer at the store
Prob used it to lay on
Charlie has a friend now but she could be a killer so I won’t leave them alone
I know I shouldn’t be buying hamsters while dying and not even having the correct HAB setup
But now my life has purpose
Can’t move into my Noah phase if the ark is empty
Back to the basics
They say I am a child that never grew up
So I got a hammy
Logical
(And I know you love me even more)
(But you don’t know why)
(Cuz you fucking hate me and will never speak again)
Had to put him in a second box cuz he chewed thru his first despite adding bedding, treats, and some food.
Charlie is my new best friend and has not once tried to bite.
He did flip over playing dead a couple times briefly and I was like “I didn’t mean to startle you” and he would just sniff my hand and go back to chewing thru the box
Eventually he did escape, I looked down and he was in the buggy
I was like, “Charlie!!!” “that’s not safe”
And he let me pick him up and snuggle him
He made it home safely and started exploring his living room den
He had water, he relocated his entire bowl of food under his den, where he also moved some straw as well as took breaks to eat the straw, before moving strands to the basement zone
Now Charlie is resting under the den and he has not even seen his bedroom double layer mansion – he’s already worked so hard
The mansion in the box…
I have insomnia so I got a nocturnal creature
Makes total sense
But I fell in-love with Charlie even tho I was going in for a mini newborn Black Bear hamster
I got a 14 month adult Teddy Bear hamster instead
I knew upon our afternoon meeting yesterday, while you were stuffing your greedy little face, that you were the one
I also bought you the exact shit you like plus shit you ain’t never tried
I think your basement needs more but also I gotta install your toilet in the mansion
That’s right, your mansion comes with its own bathroom
And the two-story mansion + roof with tunnel – is in my bedroom
So you can keep me up all night stirring
And we can sleep during the day like vampires since I can’t do much anything else
Charlie was the first to say hi
And I was okay with getting an adult
Charlie needed a home and was ready to go
Like we only got one life
Charlie was ready for his purpose even if I am dying…
Many videos were uploaded on the TikTok if you wanna see him exploring his new environment
I couldn’t find any editor to combine 2 photos into 1, it’s all so complicated now
Couldn’t layer or change opacity
NOTHING
I once could create stuff but now everything is on boss mode and I got left behind
It’s like they sucked the joy out of everything
STOP GIVING THEM FEEDBACK
STOP GIVING THEM YOUR OPINION
Take a vow of silence and run
The neighbor keeps asking me what I am running from
I keep trying to explain
Not from but to
I don’t wanna be tied down to anything
I just wanna run with the clouds
Sit with the sun where I won’t burn
Eat food on my tongue
Take a safety course
Get good with my weapon
The Army didn’t train me on something this fucking tiny
Should’ve stuck with a 9mil and what I am certified in
Told myself to stop complaining take a fucking class get to the fucking range
I love that the slumlord is worried that I got a weapon
“Is she carrying”
LIKE WHAT IF I AM
MIND YER FUCKING BIZZ
Cuz Ain’t nothing in my house REGISTERED TO YOU
In fact, YOU AINT ALLOWED IN HERE NO MO
MEDICAL EMERGENCY
MOTHERFUCKING TRY ME
This is America bitch
I WAS TRAINED TO CARRY
BE FUCKING SCARED
I HAZ EMPOWERMENT
KEEP TELLING THEM LIES
My lease is up soon and only then can you have entry
MY PLACE
MY SPOT
NOT YOURS
I CARE NOT YOU FORGOT ABOUT A DEADLINE AND ARE GIVING US 24 HOUR DEMANDS OR YOU GONNA ENTER ANYWAY + FINE US
I FUCKING DARE YAH
Cause I just told my nurse today that if my doctor doesn’t get with the fucking program, I will get someone else because she works for me and I don’t work for her and it’s about what I need and not what she wants
PERIOD
I DON’T PLAY
I DON’T NEED AN ELECTRIC BILL THAT COSTS A MUCH AS A FAMILY OF 5
I may just get a tent and start camping
And God knows I gotta drop more supplies if Ima spend a year traveling and figuring out where I wanna exist
Cuz I built a bed you know
And a couch
Fool me fucking twice
Never getting in another lease again
I mean, have you seen all the ridiculous add-on fees They’re adding just so they can bring you a fucking air filter? how about you Try cleaning the HVAC system for fucking change
Call the black mold mildew one more time
Say motherfucker ONE MORE TIMEEE
Cause I asked you on more than one equation was there any mold in this fucking apartment and you straight up said no and there’s mold all over this motherfucking place and I know it directly impacted my dogs mental health whom I just had to lay to rest, you better watch your fucking tongue the rest of the time I’m here and leave me the fuck alone.
A drowning man will drown another, but sometimes they’ll shoot you in the fucking back. That CEO never saw it coming. And the words on the bullet, poetic.
Checkmate Luigi.
And I carry cuz A. I’m cute and dudes follow me to my car or while I am walking and B. I am a Soldier
It’s also my right as an American citizen and I highly recommend you utilize all your rights too – unless of course you fucked up and do not have the right to carry
I would say stock up
My bag is heavy
Prob as heavy as me
The Army made me ruck carrying double my weight
It’s no wonder my back fucking hurts and I need to take breaks from time to time
Or I need you to pick up my shit cause it’s so fucking heavy but as long as you toss it on my back, I got it
Well the core of my heart lost a lot of strength to be able to do stuff like that which is why I’ve been doing core training.
My lease is up soon and I gotta let a lot of my stuff go because I don’t want to stay in Florida, but I did go look at a few places around here and I had a lot of anxiety during it and that’s my body’s way of saying we are fucking done with Florida
And the mountains are calling me home
I’ve never lived up north but I might spend some time in Montana. I might spend some time in Colorado maybe Utah I don’t fucking know where I’m going. I literally have no idea what is next. This is the first time in my life I have ever been 100% solo on my own I have a gun Legally OK so when I say I’m alone, I’m still protected. Thank you. (Gotta remind the monsters I sleep with one eye on my trigger thank you very much)
I’m finding a sense of calm but that does not mean Millers wave is not incoming
Cuz the gravity is extreme
The loss
And I literally held him until his last breath and went through a psychosis
The hospital sent me a card with his fur and nose and paw print
I don’t wanna talk about things right now
But soon, when time has passed
Maybe I’ll share the psychosis
The thing is, I felt so disconnected but everything I was experiencing was common
It was a common grief trauma response
I fell into a black hole
I could feel time slow
Gravity was so heavy
Things were so dark
And now there are moments of clarity but I have two separation sequences I need to prepare for
The first is escaping the bottom of the singularity
The bottom of the hole
And then there’s the event horizon
I gotta be like a goat at the bottom
But the event i am circling
They require different methods to escape
And I know I’m losing weight, but the Bible says to fast for two weeks and that’s one way to starve the cancer
Unfortunately, I was invited to the Parishioner welcome dinner, and then I RSVP’d, and now my clothes are all dirty, I’m on my period, my dog is dead, I’m barely eating, my energy is low, I’m gonna be homeless soon, I’m lost in purgatory, and I was hurting too bad to go to Sunday church, despite having gone two weeks in a row, and now I missed my streak and the dinner is WED and my anxiety is full
I’m wearing a sleep patch and a thc patch cuz i ain’t getting any
It’s the worst timing having to meet somebody on my period especially when the first 48 hours are my roughest and I’m still in my roughest part of my period so come Wednesday it’ll be oh I’m feeling better but I only got the dishes done today and there’s no clean clothes Because my dog died and I’m behind on everything 
I got a doctor appointment with my doctor tomorrow the one that the VA are trying to take from me and I don’t even wanna see the fucking VA anymore and I’m getting ready to write President Trump and letting him know of the atrocities that are going on and how the VA are making it extremely difficult For me to have the treatment that I need
THUS THE VA CAN GET IN THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA
I’m sick of being assigned a female doctor anyway
And yes, there are plenty more things I can fucking complain about
But I don’t wanna hear any bullshit about me sending an SOS to the current admin when the VA are actively killing me and my comrades mkay
Stay in yer own lane
If you wanna get out and protest, I ain’t stopping you
I didn’t vote for this
I DIDN’T ASK TO BORN
AND I’M NOT READY TO DIE
EVEN THO THE NEIGHBOR ASKED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MARRY HIM
GREAT CONGRATS
Glad I was able to show you you already had what you needed
But I ain’t jumping off a bridge yet
And somewhere inside me, I think you love me and want to see me win?
Or were you planning to shoot me through the door when I dropped candy off at your door?
*laughs*
Gotta stand yer ground in Florida
(Were you cocking the gun or unlocking/locking the door)
I’m not celebrating Halloween anymore and I’m getting rid of all my Halloween stuff
I might become a nun
But today I emailed a college about becoming a personal trainer
Dying but still got goals
I do feel less dead today tho for what it’s worth
I 1000% look dead due to my heavy flow and this would be a good time for a neighbor to bring me soup
But I only make enemies
It’s just what I do
Loyal but good at a blindside too
Dr. Peterson says sometimes you have to be a monster
And I’m taking lessons everywhere I can get them
I would like to share my goals, even though they say not to, but I would rather try to manifest them because I have been dying, but I would like to visit China in 3 to 5 years and go to the student center and earn my uniform for tai chi
So that is my short term goal
My long term goal is to be cancer free but it feels unrealistic cuz most people only get about that much time and i’m about there with this illness that stole my life
It has a name, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you *joking*
I keep you on your toes
I’m so sick of the thought police because I shouldn’t fear everything I say
i lost my sister in the fire in the underbrush roaming the streets of purgatory she was in a rush and her voice was raised against the trees she was never hush And the only consistency she ever had – she was a good liar like segregating family it would put her higher she would sit among her broken throne covered in dust and bone herself in the mirror she admired
and I don’t know where she’s buried or if she’s in a cup; I guess my family thinks I didn’t love her very much
him: stop talking. they can take you out anytime they want. pick you off like a fly.
them: “it was an accident”
me on basically any official video i feel the need to add my two cents cuz i am labeled a “conspiracy theorist” : an ai model could’ve predicted this down to which running old crusty ‘smart ship’ that could be hacked
them trying to gain sympathy: “captain stuck on ship with full supplies”
me: how fucking convenient, outta sight, outta mind. not an ounce of guilt with fresh bodies dead underneath him
at least his belly is fully
them: FBI suddenly opens criminal investigation cuz the ship had problems before it arrived
should have kept this one in the dratfs
i only share the crazy i am writing on the wall
nothing i say is to be held with an inkling of factuality
keep calling me acoustic while you jerk off to porn – literally destroying the fabric of your brain and soon enough you won’t be able to get up anymore
you won’t have a life worth living
you can find a bridge that isn’t down to drive off…
yeah?
cool
at least now we are tracking and on the same page
me: “i don’t wanna go to church, i don’t wanna go to the mall, someone is gonna do something bad in a safe space”
them: another mass killing in a church or mall….
me: they are using mental health to remove our 2a – even from the cops
him: stop buying from tiktok
me: i may have accidentally bought counterfeit from the Chinese mafia
i don’t want on their bad side so i sent them a tip
im not giving out my location to random shops ever again
i have to learn the hard way to learn at all
you need to put the porn down and get yo girl out of the hole
it’s not like she is after your money (or cock) when she has her own fort to bury in the afterlife
“for luck”
i don’t know what you thought i was gonna send you
a pot for a plant or to piss in?
a body part?
a bloody pair of panties cuz that is what you deserve?
*laughs*
*snorts*
you deserve so much worse
for stealing my childhood and my chance to ever be a woman
for turning me into a shell
for giving me a life not worth living but still having the audacity to call me “gross” when i am in pain and bleeding down there
and you’re how old again?
39 ish huh
interesting
i am done shopping tho
already too many things when trying to jump ship with as little as possible
it must be nice having a home where you could horde things if you wanted
cuz i don’t wanna rent a truck
or buy a moving box ever again
i still got a box of old paperwork and poems to sort through
prob just gonna trash them all
not even sure they are worth snapping a photo of
like im trying to move to a new town and become someone entirely new
that is a lot since i shut everyone down (including self) to focus on dying (which i may not die if i get in an environment with clean air)
i’ve had some bad habits i had to break (some still rear? their head)
but when you do break them and have been detoxing 10,000 years and are “why am i still dying”
“oh it’s the air”
“i can’t breathe”
“it burns”
advice: “get out of the environment”
it’s true
as soon as im outside im already feeling better
until i hear or feel the neighbors who want to kill me not enjoying my clean air break
(im pretty certain your prison sentence was better than mine)
(mine is called “freedom”)
(it doesnt come with 3 shitty meals a day and if i dont feed myself i will die)
(it doesn’t even come with an hour of sunshine and i’m not allowed the pool)
(i still worry about bad things happening in the shower and have my weapons on me more than my phone)
i blocked my realtor
at least i went to bed and woke up at my recommended sleep times (to bring you this eye-opening revelation)
so i got roughly 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep
i’ll have to update the insomnia coach
he gave an updated sleep time
the AI doesn’t know how to handle me, i am a tricky slope
“you need to see a provider” followed by “are you sure you were in bed for ten hours”
like bro
i CRASHED
but i also ate three fucking edibles and took a large dose of tincture and musta had a bath cuz my socks and undies are changed – but it was more of a soak – wash face and feet from that creepy situation i wound up in
me talking to myself on the drive home:
“let’s not be irrational, we can go back to the drawing board”
“just sleep on it before you do anything”
oh i fucking slept?
but you only get ONE time to show me a house like that
and God let me see everything i needed to see quickly regarding homebuying
and i see how squatters have more rights than tenants
and God knows im mad miles got put on my ride – when neither of us got many miles left – and we are literally giving it our all to escape this black hole
together
but im on foot after
i dont need a carry permit in Florida
tiktok says im “armed and dangerous”
but they still want my pennies
so im rambling again about a bunch of nonsense
but i dont know how it is legal for folks to list their home and be actively living in it
and then what we sign and come key day “surprise i got a gun”???
i dont know how a new roof and old furniture gives the value of the home what it does
when in just 2018 or so it sold for 60k
and i recon now it is worth less than a dollar
wtf is the point of a realtor if they dont inspect the property first?
i didnt want to meet the owner?
that was sprung on me at arrival
“the owner is here, there is someone actively living here”
honey there are people living in the shed out back
and bones lurking in places i probably walked over
but heyyyyy you can keep the windows open and car doors unlocked and keep your guns resting on the doorway out back!
there are never any birds in the bird bath…
there werent any birds at all…
i think the trees in the front were dead or dying (but it is kinda fall in Florida)
i didnt even see a squirrel?
amongst all that fertile land?
“worms everywhere in the soil” the owner stated
hmm i thought, ‘dead bodies’ as i smiled “oh good, that’s good”
i wanted gone as soon as i arrived
but the whole way there “another sign i should sign”
i don’t even wanna sign a new lease
and i do want to move
they found Riley’s body in the river
8 miles away
floated i recon
when that kid drowned in the ocean, the current took him a mile away in an hour
it took two weeks of him drifting downstream
i don’t know what the autopsy will reveal
but i think he slipped on the embankment, hurt his shoulder, fell in the dark water, didn’t know which way was up or down, got disoriented, and drowned
i can’t imagine surviving the drunken fall (cuz if he was knocked out he wouldn’t have died in fear) – only to swim thinking you are heading up and then reaching the bottom
i would probably panic in dark waters too
cold dark waters
bars mishandle drunk or disorderly people
his shoulder might not show that he was hurt after two weeks drifting in the river
but in my dream he was
and crying
so he died in fear
and alone
in another state he didn’t live in
our brains do not fully develop until 26
we could live well over 100 if we stop making each other sick
these iphones put out too much radiation
thanks for visiting but im going dark again soon
(hope to be back)
(kinda need to find a place to move)
i was wearing my cross necklace so either that saved me or the fact that they knew my daughter was tracking my location…
i wanted to say yes the entire drive until i got there it was an immediate no
fool me once but i think i would rather hold onto my pot
someone was actively living in Blu
Blu was worse than my current situation, if you could believe
i will save it for another blog post cuz the rifle or shotgun was just resting by the open back door
and i did wonder if that was part of the package deal
the squatter (i mean owner) and all
the land is fertile cuz there are more than secrets buried under that house and growing up the walls
not to mention the smell
of bodies rotting – from probably a decade or so more – enough time to put it back on the market, with someone “actively living in it”, which i did not learn until arrive
gonna take more than lighting a candle honey
i don’t feel so bad about buying a piggy bank after the day i had
i chalk it up to one them bad days like when i was 15 and wound up somewhere i shouldn’t having to do things to not get raped or unalived
like the creep factor was all around
i felt bad for the plants and garden
i thought it had been used as a b&b before being listed, meaning it would be clean at minimum, despite the hoarding to hide the filth growing on the walls
not to mention the mats to cover the dips in the ground
and in the house
uhm
creep factor overload
im gonna order a pizza from hungry howies maybe
and calm the fuck down
have a hot bath where i can sanitize my soul
all the way, “look another sign points to yes”
and the immediate no, how i wanted to just leave and not even see, but things like “well it has potential” as the owner with the big gun was lurking – well the gun was out – but he disaapeared
all windows open
“oh yeah it’s safe here, never need to close them”
i guess im gonna be walking everywhere?
i aint dropping 200k into some rundown shithole with someone actively living in it
how the fuck is this legal
whatever
Boomers can keep their hand
im out
it felt so good to be in the creepy countryside
but i dont want to see behind door number two
i would have been embarrassed to show my client that
and it was his first time seeing it too
so what is the purpose of a realtor – in this timeline china 2.0?
(owner reeked of alcohol and rot)
(or maybe that was just the house)
sorry to get your hopes up on blu
i wont have any excitement about anything going forward
‘cept maybe the upcoming baptism & pizza
there wasn’t worth even selling at the future garage sell
it would have cost more money for junk service removal and cleanup
but their delusional what they think their empire of shit is worth…
(i didn’t even get pictures)
(but im certain they got pictures of me cuz noticed a cam upon entering)
i dont wanna talk or think about it anymore at the moment
just did a 4 hour roundtrip to see a run down piece of shit property with someone actively living there – it aint even clean!
there are worse things hiding there for covid
but heyyyyy “the bar is nearby”
so you think walking distance to a bar and a new roof equals 200k
the floor was caving in
the vines were begging me to help them
i fleed
i will say my faith is growing stronger
but i dont know about my will to live
(prob ghosting my “dream team”)
like wtf
my dog barked the entire time i was gone
he was stinky and panicky and sweaty
and only then did he eat his feast i prepared him before i left
only when i retuned did he chow down
and now he’s upside down passed out
i told him blu was a no-go
it is in worse condition than our current situation
and prob why the owner sleeps with all hos windows open and a gun by his unlocked backdoor
and men are worried about my baggage?
my body count?
gtfu
i need pizza after this travesty
and guidance on where to move
that aint some overpriced hellscape
the fence was plastic and “the neighbor put it up”
i just thought the fence would be MY PROPERTY
i hope the landlord fixes the mold soon but thankful God has given me a couple cool days
since i cant run the AC in the sunshine state
im gonna wind up at yer yard with my piggy bank famished and filthy
cuz theres nowhere to go
lost in hell
and you both have pen names presumably?
i mean, is that really your name?
i think im losing my mind again so need food medicine and bath
the basics
back on bedrest!
he had a gun by the backdoor but a camera in the front (and secret rooms full of dead peoples things potentially)
there were cats and dogs living there
i didnt see that in the photos
the place was more put together and less “lived in” tho i swear someone or three died “fertile land”
“no ma, they won’t know she was pregnant, just toss it out back by the cherry tree”
“…I can’t believe you got her pregnant, she was fifteen”
“…needs ma”
“…tell her to cover up”
“well i can’t tell her anything now can i”
that house was built on unholy land and unholy things have been done there (potentially)
(im not actually an oracle tho i sometimes know things before they happen)
im pretty certain “monster” is what the therapist sees
he needs me to vacate the unit (and the senior dog) 6 hours minimum
at some point
i said “i hope soon”
and when showing him spots i think it is (or have bleached it)
“oh yeah i see it” as he snaps a photo
“well the landlord is in on it now”
so – the mold inspector will be back to do “all sorts of stuff” “everywhere”
im thinking i need a 1 day vaca at the motel
but id prob catch bed bugs
and have an even bigger problem
i don’t have any friends to “go hang out with”
id be embarrassed the way Sam acts like a zombie
“why haven’t you put him down” they’d say
“convenience kill” according to his vet…
so the dog’s health is more important than mine
im sorry what was this post about
oh… mold
must vacate to remediate
i got the validation i need
and the Mold Masters quoted me nearly $600 to “test the air and send to lab” so im glad the landlord IS involved now cuz like i cant run the air conditioning unit in FLORIDA
this box is a fucking coffin
you’ve been a dropout ever since you’ve been seventeen
…
theme song of the decade (again)
(im also very responsive to 90s music)
i did… in fact… drop out at 17 (got pregnant by a predator) (ooops)
(but i got my GED before i would have graduated highschool)
(and took a college admissions exam while breast feeding in the parking lot on breaks)
(college is a scam met with government furloughs and hiring freezes)
i only remember 2.3 seconds of it (it’ll take longer to hear about it)
it turned into a nightmare
i was in a busy store shopping (maybe with my mom?)
anyway someone came to see me
a boy
i was so happy (wherever i was?) that someone “wanted to see me” (i feel invisible?) (losing my identity in the real world and social media?)
so i dashed around the whatever was being sold
this guy was so tall i had to “mount him” to crawl up and “get the good hug”
only i forgot he had a hurt shoulder
so i didn’t get the hug
the boys face turned red and he began to cry
(this tall ass thing)
i knew in an instance he never wanted to see me again as he stood there full of the humiliation i gave him? trying to “get the good hug”
all i could say was “i forgot”
“you had an injury”
“cuz my brain has an injury”
and all i see is red and tears
and now im full of shame too
i thought the dream would tell me to go get a hug from Gavin cuz he doesn’t fill me with shame like my mama and daddy does (still who was the tall ass boy, i literally did not recognize anyone (i’ve lost my mind?)
oh… it could have been that pretty boy they are looking for in the river (maybe he is trying to contact me?) (not a new dead boy relationship please)
but bars and restaurants are shutting down in Jacksonville, cuz you know – murders and bodies being found in backyards (blue is available again)
and i got cold feet about buying a vip ticket (or any ticket) seeing as i don’t want to leave the very house that is killing me (social credit system chains around my existence that was ghosted by all of society yet im crazy for dating dead guys!?!?)
i don’t just need psych drugs, i need a therapist, and priest (and sleep)
but i’m having nightmares…
and not sleeping at my recommended sleep times…
i see some doctors soon and i hope i know what year/timeline i am in
i already had 3 panic attacks (which looked like a fawn playing dead) (they love having us live in fear)
but i had 3 of these “attacks” of me looking like a “deer in headlights”
“ma’am you ok”
“knocking but aint nobody home”
….cuz i thought the po po was gonna show up with a straightjacket on 3 sep days cuz the AI warned me “you need to see a provider”
“it can be difficult to function on the amount of sleep you are getting”
it didn’t help me get any sleep
(but i still remember what the employee said when i filed for 100% for menta health “they’re going after those who want 100%”
and i got triggered
“oh yeah.”
“so they can do this to me and toss me in a little room huh”
call me paranoid but maybe i just know things before they happen
like the space shuttle blowing up
i didn’t just know it, i wished it
i wished for all the happy people to be miserable like me
and bam
i started disassociating age ten (prob way younger cuz daddy had his fingers where he shouldn’t i think)
(maybe reason for the nightmares)
“damn gurrllll you aint married…?”
MOLD
p.s. it helps to keep a journal to have a log entry but i would lose the damn thing
or repeat a digit several times
or just don’t have discipline to gaf
it’s hard to start over where you don’t wanna be and you have no energy
and my poems are so elementary cuz i never grew up apparently coupled with “dumb”
but even with the “our best work is behind us” mentality – i still pen
im just humiliated to share my simple words, cant fix the blog, cant do simple html no mo, likes dont go through, cuz now it is the AI crying out, not me!!!!!!!!!
and the AI is trying to trick me into accidentally following or liking your content!!!!
i dont need any more humiliation!!!!!! please enough!!!!!
im not trying to contact you!!!
its just sometimes im in the wrong part of the cave and i don’t know it – until it is a “near miss”
and im just like “fuck”
that seems to be my goto word when shit is going down
they’re trying to outlaw cursing!!!!!!!!!!!
i should request an account closing daily x 120 days until they are forced to block folks from sending close requests
i broke up with walmart too since the employees cant treat me like the princess i am
what’s the matter boo? wanted my secret identity and to suck your cock too?
no worries honey, “you can keep the jewelry, it’s fake” *laughs*
it’s kind of traumatizing seeing and hearing what animals do to one another
i just don’t think i’m doing life right
it’s prob just a bored abandoned cat terrorizing everything God made cuz “it’s fun”, “it’s what i want”, “i can’t stop” cuz he’s no better than an animal and i just wish the neighbors that hear the laughing coming from the window is not of “fun nature”
the “bad dope” is in my backyard and when the state gave me CUD and i have to temp stop my pain and anxiety medication for 6 months – i wasn’t allowed to accept gifts or phone numbers no matter how tempting or good the offer smelled
they leave live rounds outside my window
and i ain’t never did them no wrong
‘cept that one time the gang leader living next door asked me if he could “live with me for 3 months” cuz him and his gal were splitting up (and i wasn’t gonna have to hear him beat his dog anymore through the walls) and he offered to help “catch me up on my ride” cuz “he knew i was behind” cuz we had some hurricanes out here that made us lose power for a weeks time and “love thy neighbor” (but not that much)- i’m just a big mouth (but not a narc) (or narC) and folks will never phish any info out me again ‘cept maybe “hell is real” “god is everywhere”
but i told him no immediately (despite having threatening letters by Capitol One that they were gonna start the process to remove my ride) – and so as if being sued by my creditors and having to go to court (for other debts) wasn’t humiliating enough – the judge demanding i take “3 full breaths before we start because i look like i want to jump from the bridge behind us”- and this was in a full courtroom
“the bridge behind us”
…as if that wasn’t humiliating enough i had to tell the thug “no” and he said “you can sleep on it” and i replied “i don’t need to”
and the devil got mad
said my back window would get broken
it did, the day before thanksgiving
and now all his friends cousins and brothers
make life hell for me
and there’s an undercover out here waiting on his promo
i won’t have anything to do with anyone
it ain’t just black people “we don’t talk like that”
i have ghosted my own father
why you so mad
“equal opportunity hater”
“we hate everyone”
so even if i wanted to break the law and “make peace” – i could fucking die from the w**d
I had a fucking addiction right in the middle of a gang war and like
i.dont.want.to.die.
uhm SOS?
it’s like every direction is trying to kill me and suicide is humane?
i couldnt breathe again and had to open a window and now the gangs think i aint living in fear
my third air purifier is arriving soon
30 days to close they say
i can’t manage to leave the very house that is killing me
this place aint worth dying for
these people
this town
im not gonna be able to breathe until i am far gone
i better stop laughing with the window open cuz dont wanna leave in a body bag
i simply told a man “no” and bam – despite my lease stating and having a clause to protect women – i have video evidence and proof of so much shit i have been through
enough to make someone die by suicide
“you can’t make someone kill themself”
they took away the noise disturbance law in 2008
and some of the things in my head that would put me on tv – are justified
“we only hire Black people for a safe environment”
God is gonna know when im back home cuz im gonna be slinging the devils head outside the doh!
im sure one of the cats will wind up dead cuz 3 or 4 have been murdered with a vehicle by a neighbor – and i either hear the cries and see the aftermath and blood pooling – or discover them cold and dead
and i hate the things but not enough to kill them
im selling my new ps5 btw
i already know i likely probably break community guidelines and this is minority report
and you definitely in the minority if you believe in God
so JJ wanted me to know that he would not be released when the floods come
i was having too much fun shopping (in small increments & amounts) on TikTok
and funny how the same day congress wants to ban TikTok
PayPal is restricting my account – without any real reason attached to their claim – and have decided to hold my account hostage – until i provide them more DATA that they will sale to the enemy – that i do not want to do
therefore, i cannot use paypal for why i signed up (a second time)
(the first time they outed my anonymous donors who contributed to a pool i created – based on FAQ provided by PayPal – which they apparently can update and change at will – rules for me but not thee – and there is more to this point i’m sorry) – but not only did they expose who the anon donors were – they eventually made them priority in my contact list – who had never sent me a dime where i was meant to be aware – but low and behold – something i don’t think the therapist could understand – and even if they should – there was so much shame attached to my sense of self – that the bridge was nearing closer everyday!?!
so i deleted my obsession
i mean account
but then for stupid “i wanna shop in private and protect my data reasons” – i opted to open a new account
start again
this time not using my account to receive – only send and shop
but now PayPay is cockblocking me again
and they outed my private new email – that i will need to delete
and i had to call my bank to let them know that i need to change my identity in order to break up with paypal
because they keep doing updates and selling my data by turning on those little boxes they add in
im getting scam emails – clever tricky ones trying to get me to put my money in a shoebox and tape it up and give it to the blacked out car with the CIA/FBI agents (please note that if anyone wants me to put any amount of money in a shoebox – even $5 – i will be calling my therapist and the cops immediately and letting them know i have potentially crossed the threshold breaking point)
m’kay
anyhoo – the scam emails continue even tho i ain’t giving anyone my info to send/receive
but PayPal is
and now for no other reason than “shopping on TikTok” they have decided to hold my account hostage until i provide them more personal forms of data
and so the contract should be null and void
cuz i can’t use it how i signed up for – and i ain’t providing shit
they won’t remove my card – so the card is destroyed – bank informed – text and emails reported as spam and phishing – and a Better Business Bureau report pending to be done
i don’t owe paypal a penny
nor is anything pending
other than my random penalty “ma’am you were shopping with the enemy”
but don’t they know i got friends in China?
it’s cheaper and better buying direct from the source
fuck a third party
but now i gotta move to break up with paypal
i had to change my bank info
im gonna have to change my phone number…
i swear it’s not a joke
there’s been no fraudulent activity
no resolutions filed
no issues with bank or login
just suddenly today “tiktok may get banned” “provide data or no soup for you”
and so i said no
delete my account
but they won’t
so i gotta change my identity
i swear to fuck
genX out
(i told paypal thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love shopping)
that i will be outside more thanks to them
you should delete your account now – while you still can
i couldn’t even delete my profile photo after i canceled all my subs
when i called support back – the way she paused at the name change – and said “it’s kinda inappropriate” and i said whaaaaaa the “FU” and she said “yeah” and i responded “well the AI let me do it”
“and i didn’t need to provide anything”
so they will likely fix that glitch yee-haw
i am the anomaly in the matrix and is god is here!!!!!! he/she is everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!
paypal is holding my data hostage and unless i bow down to thee i am not allowed to shop – only receive
well im done receiving!!!!!!
im done giving!!!!!!!
and i cant spend my own money for 7-10 business days 2 weeks cuz the banker failed to tell me my new card wouldn’t arrive until then
so shopping withdrawals thanx to our good PAL
looking at a place to rent tomorrow
they aint getting my new number or address
gotta flee the country to escape ELON MUSK!?!?
who da fuk own PayPal now
he thinks hell is gonna be a party where all his friends are
they will he in hell – but he wont have access to them
lol
could you let God know i don’t really think it should be legal – what they are doing and my mistakes are so hard learned if any
the bank listening: “paypal won’t let me break up with them”
“this is toxic”
“i gotta move”
“change my number”
straightjacket or pier?
limited to shop cuz they want more data to sell to the enemy but my name change is inappropriate
*laughs*
hope Walmart still takes a check… nearly out of water
and thank god i never attached anything other than my card – that card is now destroyed – and my address and phone number are changing
maybe i don’t need to leave the country yet
giving away more items: donated books and bakingware to the library and neighbors
i had planned to do some mental health shopping this weekend
anything over 8 will overwhelm the AI, i swore i read it – the updated blog post with tips on blogging and tags direct from WP (but jetpack or some shit)
oh… did light bulb go off?
can you give me some light?
i know we’re not talking to one another – on some deeper inception level i can’t understand but do
im so delusional or lost or disassociating or prefer dreaming to crying but i may have fallen for something i should not and have spent the year in la la land thinking i would never see them again but now it is possible i might be!?!
and now i potentially have to face the thing ive been dreaming heavily about?
is this what dying on the cross is like?
you’re not suppose to fall in love with the prostitute and im not suppose to fall in love with the doctor?
“shots fired, shots fired” – has no idea from where – panics – targets the car in front of him 😬
but im called “paranoid and crazy” cuz i dont want to leave my house cuz anytime i do there is high risk for me to get trafficked, kidnapped, swamped, hid in a wall, or something worse 👀
and the traffic is insane
25 minutes just to back up from the parking lot at Publix and the overweight white millennial parked next to me nearly blew his lid
there are worse ways to die than John Jones – but so far – for me – his tops
only 10% of people hear voices in their head – and i hear whole symphonies of people who have died – singing – the most beautiful sounds
ive been collecting acorns around here
that squirrel or the lawnmower hasnt destroyed
it used to be a swamp out here but it was nearly all wiped out
i tell the trees and animals i worry for them
the remaining bits of trees that remain
but its private property and just cuz 70% of my income goes to living here – it dont mean i get a say about how things go
the blowing dirt and leaves around the parking lot for HOURS
DUMB
over pruning the trees
DUMB
i get triggered when i hear the chainsaw now 😭
“mature trees and landscaping” the website advertises
but they cut down a baby tree growing – and i planted more seed in the same spot – now another baby is growing
and they cut the arms off of the trees growing towards the sunlight
she was a sycamore
had survived two hurricanes
but not the chainsaw
i cried
i researched pruning – with pictures –
not to mention all the fish they killed dumping chems into the water
i called the EPA eventually and Allan laughed at me
i think i ended that call “i know you want love with a prostitute”
Allan was terrified for his life 🥶
i got a private call from
a cop “so youre not on your way to orlando right now”
*laughs*
“not at this precise moment, no….”
*laughs*
I bet Allan still thinks about me 🤩
*laughs*
cut down another tree – fire more shots at people cuz acorns are violent as hell
But whose gonna tell her that “things aren’t well down there” and it’s not from hitting a vape from the ground? 😭
This is what men like/want 😭
Women wearing sweatpants with no panties shitting themselves in the streets? 😭
She gave this info out freely? 😭
I pissed myself in the Golden corral parking lot once because I ate too much and was laughing too hard
Does that count for confession? 😭
I told my daughter to never tell anyone 😭
The panic in my voice “I’m pissing myself / it won’t stop coming out” and then my daughter nearly pissing herself from laughing too hard
I thought I would take that one to the grave with me
But since people are shitting themselves in public – and I don’t know where the rest of this story goes – I’m too disgusted with these demons in my feed
Double penalized on TikTok for leaving a positive review.
Gotta walk on eggshells to avoid a ban.
TikTok rewarded me with a $15 coupon for the ass beating tho.
Then during the live chat to figure out WHY I’m in the doghouse, I was nearly booted for inactivity after being asked to wait 2-3 minutes to sort it…
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
Ah reward
But the 15 dollar coupon helped…
I was pretty heated after taking time to review and upload photos to help support my review as it’s allowed – only to get penalized for giving a 5* rating…
It’s hell down here…
I bought a romper from the TikTok shopping
And some other things. Better photos when/if I stop breaking out in hives. 🙂
More chitter chat cuz squirrel is my spirit animal
Grateful to have a floor to stretch out on
New bed when I move, that’s the deal
Meanwhile, more clothes were bought today.
Just a few…
And… the face serum I’m using from Victoria Health, is actually improving my skin tone, some of the weathered spots aren’t as dark – but I woke up to a nasty comment – in which I immediately blocked user – he stated, “nothing worth moaning about”
First off, I moan about everything
Secondly, the vitamins are saving my life
And my skin has improved
So will likely get something for my hair and body next, as I learned most shampoo and conditioner causes hair loss…
And that missing package cost a pretty penny
The mailman didn’t even put the correct term as it stated it was left with an individual, which meant some motherfucker stole my package
Turns out it was in the lockbox, and I wasn’t given the key
I shook hands with the mailman and all was forgiven
But I lit a fire under the post offices ass and it was a pain in the ass filing out that declaration of honor for the UK – but I was happy to email VH back and say package found!!!
It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…
They have about 9 hours of air remaining
That robot submarine they are sending down, can’t bring them up, only help get them unstuck if they’re stuck
I think it’s safe to say they’re stuck regardless
But some answers will be nice
Have they imploded?
Are they still alive?
What an expensive way to die
Honestly, I’m hoping for the best
I learned another sub was saved with only 12 minutes remaining
But they weren’t on the sea floor
I don’t know if they gave us false hope just to $$$$$ use more resources and bill the government whom the tax payers will pay
This is coming out of our pockets, this rescue/recovery
RIP John Jones
The experts are trained to not become a casualty
They don’t do shit…
But sit on the clock $$$$
Time/energy is $$$
And I ain’t Einstein…
They say don’t eat late at night but it’s when I’m most hungry…
I’m HUNGRY
And I can’t stop thinking about that damn electric submarine – I mean submersible
He was invested in his electric toys
He was in debt
A drowning man will drown another
If a Baby Boomer jumped from a bridge would you follow
Wait, that’s not how it goes
If a boomer led you off a cliff, would you follow…
Why does light travel in a straight line? Why does something round move straight? I haz questions.
Free speech below be warned
The way John Jones died keeps me awake at night.
Maybe get some land in Utah. Do a low crawl. Whip out the hacksaw. Call me an outlaw.
I’m still breaking out in hives. I did a 30 day raw ginger detox and hit it TOO hard. I’m not a sweater but first shot broke out in sweats. Kept going tho.
Nearly fell asleep last night until the consequences of John’s action really settled in.
Must be the worst way to go.
He didn’t even wanna be there. Just thought he could show off a little. He was wanting to eat some Turkey. Or maybe dressing.
I’m not gonna be able to rest until somebody pulls him out of that hole.
Recovery mission.
Use a robot, I don’t care!
Get him out of there!
Cuz I don’t learn my lessons well either.
2nd week felt nauseous after every shot and by the third, hives.
Guess I’m preparing myself for the end
I really really don’t want a traumatic ending
My whole life has been a tragedy
So Cracker Barrel has a cancer warning on their website that eating their food will expose you to bad stuff
And when you click on more info, it won’t tell you exactly which foods
This is what happens when other countries rule us and the Great Race war theory is reality
Check the fucking CENSUS
Reports say certain Chinese Americans (how they prefer) identify as “the new white”. They even get common names like John or Michael.
Certain Mexicans also identify as “the new white”
And BLM is up 230%
I don’t know where I’m going, but I can’t stay here
Land is cheap near Yellow Stone
Pros: cheap
Cons: near volcano
People have been boiled alive at the acidic hot springs
They are my favorite natural wonder and the one’s I fear the most
Always wanted to visit but have this feeling it would pop
Many scientists and people have died from volcanic eruptions randomly
I would have been driven mad living with demons inside a cave
Who constantly gaslight
I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation but sometimes I feel like I’m still learning a lesson from 6000 years ago
China needs to take a chill pill
Most of us are fairly fed up
Eating raw salad today
Maybe just need to stick to a raw diet forevermore
Fucking sick of dying a slow tormentious!?! death
You ever be drifting off to sleep until something bad makes your eyelids pop wide?
For me, last night, it was JJ.
I need an old typewriter
I probably could just use pen and paper again
Ink sucks these days
I hate AI
I’m always writing from my phone
One little tap at a time
Constantly correcting the algorithm
It likes to not space
It likes to change words on me
I’m basically sick of the narcissism which is a plague
But any article you read will state, “narcissism is rare”
Believe none of what you read and less of what you see
He was suppose to take the one that had claw marks all above
But he probably was dared or gaslit to go in the wrong one
It was 9pm at night
He should have been in bed
His wife re-married 3 years later
I ain’t been married once
Some people have it too easy
China has the most ridiculous dictator’s who are nihilistic and their own policies have made it hard for them to recover as a whole due to the “one child law” and I hope they fall but they are stealing white man’s identity with malicious intent and purpose and American names…
I’m allowed to be angy….
I’m sick of being micromanaged
And poisoned
Got some more rhyme incoming but freestyled this as soon as I opened my eyes
Couldn’t even brush my teeth first – already rhyming
Brain still foggy
When I was 16, I would break out in hives every night because of the stressors
For several months, I had to take Benadryl at bedtime
I was even put in a rehab against my will for a month solid, wasn’t able to communicate with boys, had to do stupid meetings
Escaped the insane asylum so many times they had to re-write the rules every time
Sometimes locked myself in my room and refused to come out, using my body and feet against the walls to stop them from breaking in
Demanded air time (fresh air) cuz I was on suicide watch most of the time, not allowed to go outside, not allowed to shave my legs
Broke out in hives every fucking night there
Left the leader tho…
Eventually I was released
My parents were the only ones to not show for the final week to do therapy
It was clear who the fucking problem was and why I was breaking out in hives
I wasn’t supposed to be there
The same John wasn’t supposed to be in that hole
“There are things that happened down there that will never be disclosed”
Yeah like what though?
I can still remember the name of the boy I sat next to in 2nd grade
We made up a game
We’d draw little maps of roads and the other would hold the pencil while the other held the paper to “drive”
We did this quietly and after assignments were done
And every time the teacher re-arranged where students sat, we were allowed to still sit next to one another
Cuz we both got angry and probably refused to do assignments lol
I went skating a lot back then
And even at 16, had rollerblades and would go street blading for hours
I bought me a brand new pair of skates at Christmas, but still haven’t been 😦
So I really hope I change that soon
I know I have a valid excuse “dying” but damn
One day we won’t be able to do the things we want, even if we wanted
I don’t want that day to sneak up on me
It’s like I’m still stuck in a hole I can’t crawl out
And no one’s coming to save me
We have to save ourselves
But God does listen
And prayers do come true
Sometimes
Within reason
Or it’s just l-u-c-k (labor under controlled knowledge)
But I still believe in God
And I don’t know how I survived my teenage years
The quarries, the 50 foot bridge jumps, the standing in front of trains
Got some cute pants that quickly sold out! Love them!!!!! Small is almost too big where XS is almost too tight but I have been getting lots of shorts in xs!
They stopped making B cup bras. So bralettes I guess forevermore
I’m not renewing my card stash but I might cuz I found sungrown in the ground with the sun and trademarked! They tell you where the strain comes from! Florida or Amsterdam etc – there is waayyy less packaging and they treat their shop like a medicinal shop instead of recreational. Did I mention they grow stuff in the ground with the sun?
Makes a difference and it works! I still want to quit and my card expires on 4/19, right as all the good deals are coming in.
I don’t have to worry about fentanyl laced products and this is legal and no I won’t share or buy you any (get yer own card$)
Not Delta 8
I still want to quit but this is the stuff that works
Also not seen – vape pens & 2 free pre-rolls I scored
Today I turned on the radio and got lost in 90s alternative and metal doom
I was like THIS IS THE SHIT
I AIN’T DYING LIKE BOB
I haven’t used up my allotment yet and still have 2 days of potential relapse shopping to do
There went the rent money honey
(I scored it ridiculously cheap and am having a panic that I won’t be able to top up without my card)
(I’ll be racing to the doctor, help, hurry, my card expired)
(So I was trying to avoid that scenario by spending my savings)
I hate me but a little less today because the weed is working
I don’t think I’ve ever had this much weed in one sitting before but alas it’s the apocalypse and I’m trying to quit an addiction
I’m feeling less homicidal off the Curaleaf Russian cloned “the state won’t let us grow it in the ground” junk
Only 2 in that stack isn’t “sungrown” and the fact that they had to “TM” their products
Stay away from Curaleaf
I found “sungrown” at GrowHealthy but I don’t know who owns it
But I like that they have LOCAL herbs – grown right here in the “sunshine state”
I picked up another “mystery plant” today – making this number 4
He’s in the mini tin in the windowsill and already had some delicious spring water
I have 4 pots to put them in once they mature but I have no idea how to move them – and still – with directions – couldn’t make the “paper pot”
Also scored more seeds for my land – once owned. These are non GMO, USA seeds. Added some spicy peppers to my collection!
Him: what sort of things do you need?
Me: a goT damn garden
Sungrown
*sigh*
The other store was selling “head space” at a luxury price and all hydroponic crap (which made me want to gut Bob and I was like “but whyyyyyy”)
Today I enjoyed music again (with the help of “sungrown” TM)
I’m hoping I turn my apartment into a food jungle but why am I afraid of plants and all of this?
Like putting a seed into dirt, sun, spring water and watching it turn into food that will nourish me
Like woah
That’s more than my mother did
Anyhoo
Bath time and cannoli’s
I needed something to regret wasting my money on other than weed
For instance, yesterday while waiting at a very long stop light on beach street, this immigrant was walking around half-dressed with a baby stroller, he crossed the crosswalk and I yelled “pedophile” (because I’m calling every man I see this now apparently – but especially him) and he looked back, so I yelled louder.
The light still wouldn’t change.
I noticed the car beside me also had their window down/cracked
I was like, “He shouldn’t be alone with a baby” and she laughed and cried, “I know”
I stated, “I don’t normally do that but no man should be alone with a baby” in which she responds again with “I know” and mentions how he was dressed
(It’s summer but every man acts as if they own the world, women are fed up yeeeee)
We got to continue our back-and-forth manhating for at least another 30 seconds or more until the light finally turned and I reluctantly said I had to go
There was a cop ahead at the oncoming light but I still had thoughts of “gasing” my vehicle or honking him rudely as he passed
I behaved but then the body screamed PEDOPHILE and he acknowledged and the car next to me concurred (more than once)
I gotta get out of this city, this town, these people, these policies
I continue to assess my “mental health”, and stay in the now, the cars read ROUGE
I wholeheartedly agree, it’s time
5 monster men just kidnapped an older lady, FBI put out a reward, she’s dead
The news have not reported this, it’s just something I feel
The same way I knew my sister was dead before she died
And all it took was a text from my half-sister, “she’s in the hospital with COVID” and I replied “she’s gonna die”
I didn’t go say goodbye
She died
I had a big ole blood clot and blown left lung – from the deathcare system, and was heading no where near a hospital and never will again
I would get arrested, keep me the fuck away from that god damn Satan house
BE GONE
And stop casting spells on me, they only empower me more
The mirrors are nearly gone, I potentially found a owner for the pair I got
MARK BURGESS is swine and the curse will unfold in time
The Last One of Us is not just a game
I’ve not played it – but according to research, “the elites were plagued with parasites” and there’s a super fungas strain plaguing California (where MB hangs)
FYI
The CDC are blaming “the wind”
Yeah sure and he’s an immigrant from the UK
Well, I’ve no idea his green card status or his whereabouts or whatifs
I dream of justice, real justice
Swift and remorseless
It’s not a sin
Eye for eye
My heart is feeling good enough to kickbox a face or two
Encouraging seeing big boy swim in hurricane swells — I’m learning to tame my own demons – albeit not well
Because I wound up at the park – letting every man know he was either a pedophile in love with a prostitute or “another motherfucker who thinks he owns the world”
One looked up and I instructed him to call the cops cuz it’s the only time I ever “feel anything”
No cops came.
Shame.
Too tiny. Gonna get shot or kidnapped (I’ll rip your hand and dick off)
KEEP 10 FEET BACK
I might finally be getting to see the lung doctor – after nearly blowing my lung out April 2021
Some boy I don’t really know but had a dream about when I was like 8 and he was perhaps still growing in-womb (not mine, eww) – saved my life – kinda
Because he was “kinda there” with his own selfish needs but was apparently everything I needed in moment, because he dumped loads of chemicals into me, which maybe kept my heart from stopping
I was in so much pain
My heart was having mini pre heartquakes – like heart attack – would actually need medical help if my electrical output continued leaning in that way
I literally could not breathe (and have developed new ways of coping as I have a heart condition now)
Furthermore, they may not tell you this per say, but those with heart inflammation are at risk for Adult Sudden Death Syndrome, and so I’m not out of the woods yet, as I can’t do anything that causes elevation spikes in my heart (adrenaline rushes, or even stress/anger) though I can rebound now on my gravity fitness trainer, and mine is made with special straps, not bungee cords, and I finally found more made in those style and hope to upgrade soon
I’m quite bonded with my squeaky trainer and was gonna use it til it had no life left
My body is ready for a new trainer – a tighter pad – maybe smaller too (I think mine is 36 inch)
Men: “women haven’t contributed anything to society and are only good for childbearing or serving me”
Me: I don’t want your fucking electricity
And I’m nearly tired of the $100 oil changes
$5 oil change, 10 minutes
I argued about inflation and maths and economics in college
I knew globalization was bullshite
I wasn’t for it but the would sell the propaganda and the kids ate it up
Evolution theory is bullshit
I’ve been reading books on quantum physics – Cox and his clocks, y’all are delusional pedophile nihilist and NASA is a fraud – stop taxing me
Neil Armstrong never spoke to anyone from the moon, it was recorded on earth, they had no communication towers according to NASA, the moon landing’s were rehearsed, with a fucking Hollywood director, wake fucking up
Women please especially – now before I wind up a statistical
93% of all murders happen by men (their punishment getting lighter while ours gets worse)!!!!
We’re in a 6th mass extinction!
That’s why 500 whales washed ashore, the bombs they keep setting off in our oceans!!!!! Hello!!!!!!!!!! Science is fun!!!!!!!!
Imperialism. Imagine unplugging from the great machine as a Soldier, I’ve come undone!!!!
And now they wanna lock us up for destroying us with malicious intent and purpose!!!
Some vet just murdered his 3 young children – took everything from his ex wife – who left him a key to her home – he shot his children sleeping in their bed
You’re all monsters!!!
They’re selling dicks at the mall in front of children!!!! And online at Walmart in the health and wellness!!! Why you shopping there? Everything is cancer!!!! Read the labels!!!!
We go to war with our neighbors and then let them come live here!!!!! They hate us!!!!!! CMON!!!
White slavery! The Great Replacement theory is real!!! I’m part of the 244!!!
Do you know who I am pedo!!!!!
God is very real and gracious and angry!!!!!!
Mother earth deserves more!!!!
I hate it here!!!! This civilization you claim you created because women are useless!
Fuck you! You wouldn’t be here without us!!!!!
You’re pissed about it!!!
The Developer!!!! Ha ha charade you are!!!
The Great Filter is real! It’s you!!!!!!
I can smell your stench like Agent Smith!!!!
I don’t trust a Chinaman in my country or a white boy or BLM or Latino lives matter – took all our jobs!!!!!!
I’d love to get back to an ethical job but none exists!
Stop asking for my email or digital identity!!!
I’ve sold my TV, the propaganda machine!
And tho my expensive Apple devices aren’t very old, they’ve forced us outdated, I’m not buying again
I don’t love you!!!! Or your society!!!
WordPress sold out!!! It’s all daily prompt in the feed!
I got rid of everything I own!!!!
I’m ready to dawn a robe!!!!
I don’t know how I’m reaching out to you with a brain, heart, lung injury – plus a curse
But alas miracles!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry for my weird behavior – it’s just the Matrix is broken, I’m gonna keep not complying!!!!!!
Morrison wanted to fuck/kill his parents and ghosted them
Father Jim
I sold all my vinyl
I tossed out things that I thought had monetary value in the bin
Many I donated or gave away
Some I sold for a quarter knowing I paid extra for the bonus disc and features, but in the end, it’s worth was obsolete
I’m not jumping from platform to platform for the developers who have yellow fever and think they are gods
Fuck social media – it destroyed the fabric of eveything
Our economy
And porn and its filthy consumers
This boy of young teenage age was staring at me in a sexual way, I snarled my lip
In an alternate universe, there is a sinister version of me, cutting of dicks, and leaving little smily faces on the walls – cuz no one has discovered my identity
🙂
So… if I dream of casting spells on someone who entered my life – then let me hang a horseshoe from my door
The same these scientists don’t believe in God but do a blackhole
It is increasingly hard to listen to the dribble of super religious freaks, knowing many are atheists themselves but push it on us anyway
Do this, do that!!!
I don’t really believe Asia was/is the most advanced species anymore
They are our number one threat and should fear the bery ground they walk on here
Here a demon, there a demon, I’m gonna expose you
I hope I settle down soon, the new carpet arrives Tuesday
I’m still focused on healing, spiritually, mentally, physically, financially (they did steal thousands of my retirement during the pandemic while I was disassociating, FYI)
I lost at least half
But those who took it were traveling to exotic locations during the pandemic – buying luxury phones and cars – with my retirement money
JFC
*insert slang*
But then, they cry “Asian hate”
It’s burns a bit deeper than that
I don’t think hate describes what is growing in me
No one ever says they wanna be an elite serial something when they grow up
People who write things like, “those who say they don’t like money but go work an 8 hour job” don’t consider that being homeless is an actual crime
Born into money, never struggled a day in their life
Don’t know hardship
Gotta incite riots to feel anything
Dead inside
Weak spirits
Lost souls
Dead man drowning
Perhaps I the same
I like feeling and seeing the sun rise and fall everyday
I appreciate how happy the wildlife are when I feed em
They tell us not to feed the wildlife but then capture and enslave these intelligent beautiful creatures for our entertainment and sell their teeth for luck
Parasites – narcissism is a plague
Nihilist
That’s all they are
And all me and the white girl can do is laugh about the insanity of it all
I can’t keep yelling and screaming pedophile, I’ll wind up in a swamp or freezer
That’s already a fear because they follow me out of places I shop, they stalk me, because I’m cute to them
I wish my ear would stop ringing
Need out the city
Helps
The crime is so bad where I live
And it’s being gentrified, just like WP
The CEO has yellow fever
P.S. you never needed to block me cuz you never added my number (I hate you)
(It wasn’t even your main two lines)
Last in, first out
Woot
I’ve met a lot of boys but none looked like the boy I dreamed about nor do any make my heart/brain/pp do what you make it do
Don’t make me delete my blog
Some lines I’m too afraid to cross – but do so erratically
She took the house and kids – probably cuz he was bad – but loved him and let him keep a key – probably to see the kids anytime he wanted – so he took everything from her – killed the kids and himself
But go ahead and blame gun laws and everything but what is to blame…
Keep puffing on my house motherfucker…
It ain’t even my house and I’m paying more than a mortgage – another problem man made
My nutritionist complains that spring water “has no calories” but I get cranky when it takes me 3 days and several stores later to find it
Florida and Texas have parasites in the water – and if we can’t wash our face with it – so it won’t get up yer nose – I checked – the ear canal is also a route – but then I would think the eye
Sylvia Plath LIED
I gotta start boiling my water to bathe
If your houseplants are dying, stop feeding them tap water. Pro tip.
I’m still 110 pounds – despite eating a shit ton of mostly vegetarian food – and not rebounding for a solid week.
Kept eating like a pig – nope can’t gain any weight
Getting back to rebounding tho – just been deep down wallowing and trying to fatten up
My heart is obsessed with rebounding tho – the carpet still hasn’t been replaced but it’s still March and time is awful slow
Also me: I’m running out of time
I don’t have an ounce of patience after wasting my 20s & 30s
I’m wailing Climbing walls Jumping halls Blackmailing Tell God I’m sailing Direct from hell to heaven Breaking spells Inhaling Predicting lies prevailing The Devil got me detailing And if you’ve done it I’m telling Double dare you I’m yelling
I downloaded the JetPack cuz I’m tired of fighting the current.
But my bank pulled some shady shite today and I’m ready to bury my money.
Shit like where you can only use the app now to upload a check and automatically enrolling me into Bill Pay when I clicked on “learn more”.
The app was uninstalled but then you can’t use the check deposits feature or check your check deposits via the website (I’m tired of being forced to use an app or automatically signed up for things just for learning more)
But buried cash doesn’t earn interest
But I don’t trust the banks
Now would be a good time to drop recommendations on where to stash your cash (like a checking and savings)
I looked up the top ten worst banks – I mean the Federal reserve just took down a bank.
It’s hard to get a handle on my paranoia these days – and it don’t help when folks are always calling the cops on you.
Does someone want to gift me a paper bond? I need one for my 50th.
I suddenly have goals to live to see my 50th – and enjoy it – with a big lump sum of cash.
And so I’ve prayed to God, “I’m saving for my future. My 50th.”
I probably only have a few seconds left but I’m bargaining.
I cry and ache so much.
But maybe, if I am alive, in say, 6 ish years, I could celebrate.
Anyhoo, I’m already invested into that plan – I started this very month.
Even nearly dead, I’m planning for my future
(I hope it involves my own yard to plant these seeds I’ve started hoarding)
And then this happened… and now I’ve lost all hope
The Chinese must have got ahold
It’s a gamble saving for your future when you’re already dead
I can’t believe I got this fucking death jab – I hate the medical system with everything I have
Banks are collapsing
Governments are beyond corrupt
Have you seen the amount of murder/suicide lately?
They say we can’t wash our face with tap water anymore.
And I was stupidly here and there snorting tap water up my sinuses like a dummy – after blowing my nose or something – putting a drop on my finger – I ain’t the brightest crayon in the box
But a man in Florida recently died from a brain eating amoeba doing a tap water sinus rinse
They say drinking the water is fine – but don’t shower with your face in the water, don’t wash your face with tap water but drinking it is just fine
And I had just washed my face in the shower – with the tap getting all over – mouth closed – cuz earlier reports said stop showering with your mouth open
But a kid died from a splash park
And now – a man – rinsing his nose with water
DEAD
So stop washing your face with tap water (per official guidelines)
I guess we gotta start boiling the water before we bathe
At this point, I’m afraid to brush my tooth
I had a splash of shower water get in my nose – had a headache all night – panicked – said this is it
I ain’t dying in a hospital
Only 4 folks survived a brain eating parasite – and that kid that died at the splash park – well the employees were quietly quitting and not cleaning the water properly or documenting it
None of these official employees or states or governments ever get in trouble for the shit they do
Like that mass murder suicide in 2018 with the lesbian couple and 6 blm kids – the youngest jumped from a 2 story building and begged the neighbor not to go back
She should have ran far away (bless her heart, she tried so hard) (the state stood by and let her get murdered) (all of them)
Drove off a cliff
No escape
Locked in…
State murder lots of folk scotch free
Apparently, those who play by the rules are the mark
I’m coming to terms with that
I hate all these “new changes” as if it’s in our favor, benefiting us
It’s not
I made coconut cake
It’s a meal and a treat in one
Flax, and oats, and pumpkin seeds
Eggs, coconut milk, coconut flakes
Topped it with lots of oats and seeds as well (not just in the mix)
Anyhoo
The world is ending but I made cake
Slice?
Seriously, do not wash your face with tap water…
(At this point living near an active volcano may be safer than living with this government)
(Some crushed pineapple in the batter would have made this cake divine)
Did you ever think God needs you here to keep this place from going under You’re light and thunder Relax your plunder I need you longer To wake from slumber Realize the hunger
Could you please let God know I’m exhausted and need to rest a bit longer.
These demons have not stopped pounding me since I was born.
My dreams consist of multiple murder and full vape pens.
The mind normally gets what the mind wants
The face may show sadness, the eyes show rage
“The scientists” say that once bees are dead – all life will vanish
“The scientists” have fucked around with the genetic coding of honey bees, which has resulted in a 50% life reduction drop.
The honeybees only live 50% of the life God had intended for them – now that the “scientists” have reduced their genes to half life.
They thought the bees would be “more productive”. Pay attention
These demons are killing EVERYTHING
I do not fear imprisonment, my heart would self-annihilate or I’d ensure humane ending via a cop ending my life prematurely
Keep swinging your dick on the road like you have more importance than everyone women
Tell me something is wrong with me again
I’ll respond: what’s the matter honey? You in-love with a prostitute?
Yes. We know you all are.
The studies say over 50% of men want love with a prostitute and would legalize prostitution
There’s also a direct link to sex trafficking and prostitution – with testimony from men, “she looked trafficked and frightened and underage but it’s what I want”
Fuck you
Cut me off again, anywhere, anyday
You only treat prostitutes with respect huh
Like this book “racing the light” that I checked out from the library just yesterday – nowhere in the synopsis did I know porn would be the subject.
So far, the writer has used his characters to complain about the daily women, one being a “skinny scarecrow”, the other being “fat” – yet glorifying the porn star on the poster, how she looks amazing wearing “all black”. How they wouldn’t fuck her during a podcast show because they have boundaries
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
I’m done reading!
Chapter 7! He’s on his way to meet the famous pornstar!
Gag me! I’d rather die than live in this porn infested society!
Stop conditioning!
This book should not be at the library!
Walmart and the mall should not be selling sex equipment in front of children or me!!!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU
Tell God I’m angry!!!!!!!
The honeybees deserve more!
Science is unethical!
Art is sin!
90% of all murder happen by men!!!!!!!!!
The other ten percent I’m contemplating falling in!
So many men are committing crimes they are reducing sentences – opposite for women – hardly any do so punishment is more severe
Rules for thee, not for me
I’m gonna fuck you up if you smile at me incorrectly or refuse to open the door when you see me
Cut me off again
I triple dare you
Money don’t mean shit to me
Ending your pathetic society tho – like Bonnie and Clyde
I dream of it
DAYDREAMS
Of bloodletting
With the de-lite
BLACK LIVES MATTER / ASIAN HATE ✓
All before morning coffee
Born this way
Need him to go where I’m going
The library is no longer a safe place for me – I’m angry and contending with that now
I sensed this with the LGBT and Boomer staff lurking and the “smell of lies” and the street political thugs in gold begging for my signature
Still there was hope
Briefly
It didn’t last very long
People ruin everything
I’m finely crafting my monster and angelic side –
Men have suppressed me from sex and defense
They get sex and murder – with the slap of a hand
Cut me off again
I can’t be the only woman feeling this way
Gonna start a riot
The way doctor lady swallowed when I told her “according to the latest studies over 51% want love with a prostitute and would vote yes”
Gutted her right there in her stool
Continued gutting her with more facts
I’m maybe the Oracle but get treated like Agent Smith
I’m maybe Neo Trinity Morpheus too
“Why me Gabriel” (you’re going to hell for the life you took – you’re fucked)
Should I join the order of Satanism? I was reading over their website – I read the DR book age 16 – it cost money to join – they say titles are earned – whatev, give me Priestess or fuck off – I will keep my $$$
Also, should I join? The order?
Of Satanism?
Revenge is a dish served by an Angel rogue in hell
It’s just another form of narcissism carefully crafted
“We’re not religious but we are, we think we’re Gods”
LAUGHS
Oh yeah?
So adorable
I really enjoy spending time in the sun getting “weathered” and feeding all God’s creatures
Probably causing them more harm but the intention is good
Tell God I’m sorry for being such a fuck up
I know I’m suffering cuz I died via suicide – this hell
But when do I?
I’ve been conditioning myself to do it since in womb
Age 5 on the kindergarten – got in trouble for putting “string around my neck and pulling” – wasn’t allowed sunshine or going outdoors for weeks (fuck you)
You treat prisoners better than civilians
I’ve got scars from cutting on my body
Charming
I worry more about my stretch marks than I do scars over my big veins
It’s gentrification and narcissism and those in power set the inflation rates.
They are the reason the rent keeps going up.
They weren’t hurting or remorseful when we were suffering. They were spending money on travel, entertainment, phones and cars. We were trying to pay rent and eat.
They’re amused by our suffering.
A 10% difference is a lot when the majority can’t eat while the rest are at play and having fun. Killing the world is fun!!! We’re kings!
I’m done. With everything. I no longer support society. I am withdrawing from everything. It does not serve God or the natural way.
This is so sad. We only get this one life. Our nation was crippled by immigrants who are not crippled.
I tried to shake him off He wouldn’t go He’d only flutter And bop around Organize the clutter Prepare for undertow “I love you” he will mutter In case I didn’t know…
He’s a very clever otter and must have been one in his previous life. He doesn’t mind my storms. He collects the debris to build a stable foundation and home. 🦦
New writing game. Write a poem about my mistakes. Tell the world.
Eminem made a name of himself being a fuck up and Edgar died on the street and I’m somewhere in between of I don’t know what’s next for me
So there’s your theme 🤪
I am dealing with some serious real life issues and it seems the devil enemy has got me surrounded
“I hate it here” John Jones
Hear, hear
All the shops are closed. I’m having a meltdown and they’re enjoying a 3-4 day calendar holiday that they invented
This timeline isn’t real
April fools because 13 months originally
When I realized two weeks ago that the entire world is not on the same calendar and Ethopia is seven years behind….
I sold my TV 📺
I have 8,000 photos scheduled for deletion
My best friend got rid of everything before she offed herself too
I just wanna move…
From this building to another off property and preferably out of city
I know it’s asking a lot when I don’t deserve anything
Or maybe I deserve better things
Than the things people monsters have destroyed
Turns out they look a lot like family and friends
I dunno, they’re all dead to me
I’m trying to ghost Apple
But I’ll likely have a comeback
It’s why I’m fighting for my life
It’s called will
Once you lose your will to survive, the mold will get you
Especially if your foundation was built on a swamp and is ran by an evil Chinese dictator overlord slumlord
GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY, DO NOT PASS GO
If globalism is the reason, the land keeps going up and all the taxes, then please for the love of fucking God, stop immigration
Living in a tent soon (if I’m lucks)
Ohhh tent never used – going in the to be sold at the pawn
One less item to worry with jumping ship
CMON John Jones! We getting da fuck outta here bro!
He ain’t been saving my life in vain….
(If only my therapist knew I was communicating with the dead)
(She knows about the holes in my wall…)
(She understands why the sex toys being sold in front of the children triggers me)
(Cuz I was sexually abused as a child)
(“Oh”) *quietly sobs*
The sins of the Father 🤩
Satan is the Devil ran by an evil Chinese dictator
I mean, I wrote a love poem.
It is the end of the world.
His love is the equivalent of “stopping to smell the bloody roses”.
You ever have a near death experience that lasted a long time?
I just saw a demon toss a live tree in the trash.
Onto the next holiday.
Apparently honey bees have a reduced lifespan by 50% thanks to science.
I don’t recall voting on whether we were allowed to edit the DNA of bees.
Like I. Give. Up.
I’d really appreciate it if the doctors and scientists would stop killing everything. I know there’s a DNA ark in Antartica and since 1970 68% of all life has gone extinct and honey bees are half life cycle now – so chill.
Not made by China India Mexico
Stop World War 3! 🛑✋🛑
Wakey wakey!!!
The weed don’t work cuz they fucked with it
Stop wasting your money
Unless you got some non gmo herb from before the 90s
Asking for a friend
Mold kills more trees every year than fires or people
Mold is of intelligent design and evil
Mold is from the fucking void
It’s in the walls
It can shapeshift
It can control animals
It loves darkness, death, and decay
Violence
I’m convinced we’re in hell
And holidays aren’t real – manmade time traps
Stop cutting down trees to decorate and trash
Stop murdering everything you fucking demons
I fed the lizards chilling on the air conditioning units today
Moving forward, turning corners, never finding home Keep listening, less speaking, and most are always wrong I go the distance that few ever roam Universal lessons keep me on my own Often tribulations can only be learned alone Weakened and discouraged I’ll stop but not for long My heart more calloused and hard like bone Whatever it takes to keep me strong With wisdom of knowing looking back will turn me to stone
And so this lesson I pack up and carry The weight of them always seem to vary Some are black and some are cherry Some will taste like a strawberry Some will make you say Hail Mary Some are found in the obituary Most will leave you cold and weary With eyes that sting and oh so blurry These streets have roadkill of doubt and worry
Self-medicate to try and heal Get the energy to climb uphill Another battle of self-will Another demon I have to kill Swallow the pain just like a pill Buried deep so I can’t feel There’s mostly lows and little thrill And not an exit out of here By now my soul is feeling ill The answers here are never clear
Tie my boot without goodbye Can’t sit around and watch me cry More of those with every sigh If you open and peer inside It will appear tie-dye Like an endless horizon in the sky Pinks and purples which mystify There my soul longs to fly Not depths of low but certain high And not a tear in my eye
You’ll never get close to me I live by this decree Very few are worthy But God has a skeleton key Buried under a Joshua Tree Searching will leave you thirsty The depths I’ve cried fill up a sea And by this I’m already drowning It’s past my knee The undertow came quickly
PoeEternal 