Just an FYI, I released loads of poetry and TikToks over the last 6 or 7 days and I will be working on content for my Patreon and OnlyFans this week!
I will be busy in my studio working, but not as visible online in the social media world. I’ll likely post updates, I normally do on my Insta.
With-that-said, I hear your pleas and cries for my time and I am working on setting up a Discord server so we can chat like once or twice a week. I hope to get that info out sometime this week.
And, if time permits, I may try making another trendy TikTok. Have you checked out my channel yet?
I sat down to write a non-rhyme and this fell out (for you).
I see things as they are. As they should be. But not always with mental clarity. Sometimes my mind and my heart have to catch up.
You know the blood in my vein is a liquid. A mineral. Iron. Technically, plasma? Blood is energy. It’s what drives my body. It’s my fuel. Like our Sun. Energy. Always moving. Even at rest. It’s moving. And it turns into a solid at death. It is matter. And my brain dumps loads of chemicals into my bloodstream. But never so much as when I see pictures of you or hear your voice. Your deep rumble in my vein. It drives me insane. You drive me insane.
And I don’t like you writing for other girls. 😔
Like, die in the street nakid kind of madness. I’m going mad. Yet, I keep reading your words despite the ache. There’s very few people I give my time to, and I digress, every thought contains you. Are you okay? Are you happy? I already know you have the love of all the world (except the ones you worship who only see you as a number, and even worse the ones you allow to use you).
So I tried burning all the bridges.
How did I do?
*drowns in ocean*
I can see your face under water distorted. I hate me too.
I was never enough for this world.
I know I’ve made a lot of enemies on my road to death.
Still forever always, I love you
Thank you to everyone out there supporting me and not stealing my ideas from me. I see you. And I am especially extra grateful to have your support during this pandemic. 💞
Thanks for checking out my blog and for supporting content creators!
If you’d like to help support this blog or my creativity, please consider subscribing to my Patreon or OnlyFans. Donations or tips extremely appreciated, too. I am on PayPal and CashApp! Thank you for your support! More content coming! ❤
For those inquiring, it is a pink crystal, with energetic healing properties. Specifically, a rose quartz. I have various stones and crystals I use for meditation. What do you do to center?
I write about the light alot. But that’s what we really are, star stuff. Some of us collapsing inwards, stealing the gravity of others, until turning into a black hole, and eating any hope or light that is left. And, out of contempt, any other light that gets near. How dare we disturb its darkness, with our piercing, blinding light. Truth hurts.
Oh, I need you. Don’t kill the light. Can’t breathe. Sun = light = oxygen & iron= Life.
In the dark. Spiraling out of control. Orbit’s unstable. Earthquakes are mood swings. Core is splitting in two.
Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).
Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.
And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).
“Suicide comes in three”.
But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.
We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.
So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.
But then there’s an actual fear of dying.
It’s complicated.
And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.
I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.
I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?
I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*
I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.
I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.
So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.
I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.
And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.
They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.
This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.
God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.
Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.
I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.
I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.
What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????
Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.
My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.
I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.
And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.
I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?
And this was directly after a sold out show.
Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.
Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.
I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.
Too much.
Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.
I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.
Too much.
It’s a pink crystal for health and healing but I can’t find a quiet zone anywhere, at any time, to meditate. Manic.
If you’d like to help support this blog or my creativity, please consider subscribing to my Patreon or OnlyFans. Donations or tips extremely appreciated, too. I am on PayPal, CashApp, and my blog is now accepting donations! You can make one in the box below. Thank you for your support! Times are hard! Every penny goes towards this lifeboat and helps keep this blog afloat and advertisement free (zero spam)! Thank you!
I have 8 followers on TikTok and I am going up against Big Bro and his shadowbans so yeah, I am grateful you took the time to watch my 30-second TikTok (which actually took me hours to make not including rehearsal times)! 👀
I am pushing through roadblocks like stage fright and anxiety, shadowbans, and others making fun of me and what I’m doing.
But I have seen way worse tiktoks and I’m doing something original. I’m trying.
I do hope to get better at making clever video but right now my tricks are just pulling out my creative writing tool bag and dousing you with words and a little bit of drama.
Do they teach how to make TikTok videos in school now? Because I’m going up against some fierce competition and I am truly grateful for your plays! 😍
12 hours in and it had already received 350 plays plus a couple boys making fun of it! When I asked him what he had against poetry he said he didn’t know “idk”. I guess this was the first time he has ever even heard spoken word poetry? I’m pushing TikTok boundaries?
Can it reach 500 plays in under 24 hours? It’s nearly there with several hours to go! We’re at hour 17! C’mon! 😍
Thanks for watching and for supporting indie bloggers and content creators!
You belong on some foreign land, speaking languages of the old, forgotten gods In some haunted and forsaken land Where your reign has better odds Speaking words I’ll never understand Cuz your lies they come in squads!
I made a new Reel for this new poem!!! I know everyone crosses platforms and shares tiktok on Instagram and reels on tiktok but whatever- if I get 30 views on this new reel, I’ve decided I’m going to be happy with that. Because if 30 people showed up to watch what I did in a room, I would freak f*cking out.
Edgar’s bones are rattling, I think he’s been moved! (This literally did happen to him- come to think- but that’s not what I mean). I’m just trying to keep the rhyme tradition alive and I reside in modern times.
Smitten by words
You can ghost me, we still live on the same planet and in the same galaxy. Sucker!
One day you are going to die and I am going to die but the question remains now: who is going to become dust faster?
Gotcha thinking!
Welp.
Some idiot on Insta insulted my ass again. He said I was living rent-free up in his mind but he was stalking my profile m’kay. Stop lying. Blocked. And thanks for the workout motivation and compliment. 👍
Here a narcissist, there a narcissist, the devil comes in two
How about this new poem I wrote tho, eh? Oh, you don’t want to let me know that I swoon you in any shape or fashion? Hence, it matters not cuz Edgar Allan Poe, yo.
Goddess of Poetry
I am an elite rhyming poet in this century and I feel like I’ve written enough decent rhyme to make my mark in that category and to call myself A REAL POET.
It may take 200 years for anyone to acknowledge that fact. But I’m having a real go at it anyway.
If I were turned into a 2D Disney character, this is how I would look! 😍
Now all I need is a lonely tower, a couple evil cats, and a Prince I’ve cast a spell on, who is madly in-love with me, and is coming to rescue me from my evil prison and release the curse!
Am I your new favorite cartoon? 😚
All my facial expressions Disneyfied!
Which are your favorites? 🤔
Thinking she’s going to die lonely, unrescued, and unloved…
Thanks for checking out my blog and for supporting independent artist!
How I feel about our love. Neither here or gone. Still loading. Or maybe that’s just 2021? I have a good side and a bad side. Double trouble. Twice the love. 💞
Am I your angel or demon? A lonely mermaid? Are we now even?
Did you know I read tarot from time to time? I have 2 deck of cards plus some tarot books. While I don’t have each card memorized, I’m fairly good at interpreting what they mean, in comparison to the question you ask each deck/reading. My friends and family are generally pretty amazed by each reading (despite me flipping through my book). While I’m not as experienced reading tarot, I’m skilled with meditation sessions and intermediate with meditation with crystals and stones. I studied astrology when I was 15, followed by dream interpretation, and then wound up getting my science degree in psychology. I also have a medical background working as an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) and Combat Medic for some 8 years in the Army (I went on to get a second MOS in the Army as I was offered a position with the Department of Defense, so I went to another school in the Army and got a second MOS classification and started working as a Transportation officer. Thus my medical career halted, I changed my masters from psychology to an MBA, as my entire life changed when I became a businesswoman for the DOD (Department of Defense) and this went on for several years until I reached 15 years in the Army and opted to not reenlist a fifth or sixth time. Thus, here I am now. An unknown soldier, poor, heartbroke, and on the brinks of a mysterious death, just like Edgar A. Poe!!! Woo Hoo!
If you’d like to help support this blog so I can eat, that’s cool, I like to eat. And your donations and/or subscriptions to my campaigns, allow me to keep doing this. I am so grateful, thank you!
Your walls of trust are ruin Still the moss is green in our garden There are dinosaur skeletons and secrets buried Iron walls to keep off enemy My lips are gold and clean I’m still your sunbeam Leaning on the moon My roots dug into you The tombs are crumbling Regret is ivy Black holes are spinning too They have mass like the weight of you Time has turned into quicksand Every place you’ve been I’m not calling on a friend From lie to dust My blood is rust But the starlight It keeps rushing through With every thought of you My lips are gates of doom
I know why Edgar Allan Poe died heartbroke on the street. I know your secrets. Dig into the crust and search its layers, love is still found.
Cut the red forest down. Run us into Andromeda. My love won’t go extinct.
There may not be a grave for you to visit when I die. Or a blog. People die and vanish from history. Am I fading from existence with your every breath? Where does the light go inside you?Have you already forgotten me? Tell me how easy? Click click erase?
Thanks for checking out my blog and for supporting Indie artist!
I have a science degree in communication and can’t even fucking talk.
Furthermore, my brain is quickly failing me due to TBI, PTSD, chronic depression, acute anxiety, insomnia, paranoia, nightmares (war vet), and a billion other health problems not related to my mind. Like bone and muscle problems.
Not that you care. 👍
WOO HOO
I AIN’T DYING NAKED IN THE STREET
FYI.
I’m a broken fucking doll.
And just as soon as I come along and repair one tiny piece someone else will come along and break five more.
I’ve been physically abused, I am a survivor.
My doctor is begging me to take my fucking big pharma medication and I do good eating once a day, if at all.
I need to disassociate but everybody wants my time.
Wahhhh
Meanwhile, politics make me suicidal and on edge. My dad dying has taken me to new levels of darkness I’ve never known. I’m having to rip out my own heart, which is basically my muse, because he is I and I is he and all he does it make me bleed. So, I’ve lost my muse. I don’t even know if I have fucking air to breathe because half the time I’m hyperventilating from crying.
I live alone. During a pandemic. My pets are now getting on my nerves daily in this noisy apartment life. I want solitude and silence but apparently that too only belongs to the rich.
WordPress is getting on my nerves.
The air you breathe is getting on my nerves.
I am on edge and suicidal when I am not disassociating.
But there’s never any time to disassociate and I probably won’t even get to do that when I’m dead.
Justice would be coming back as an evil spirit and haunting your every move and breath.
Once again, I dare say Edgar Allan Poe suffered from depression. I am diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed.
Maybe I should start seeking a locket of his hair.
Since his hair is now a collector’s item.
I feel like having a Britney Spears moment and shaving off all of my hair.
Anything is possible when you are suicidal. 👍
Teddy is about the only thing that doesn’t trigger me. I found him outside one day by the trash bin. Not a speck of dirt on him. No odd smell. He came home with me. He got a second chance at life. He was simply DISPOSED and I know what that feels like. I do. Tossed out like fucking trash. It gave me a mood. But now he’s centerpiece in my studio and I’ve always wanted a large stuffed animal but no one’s ever given me one. I don’t get spoiled and I take shit home with me from the trash. Nobody sends me chocolate and nobody writes me poetry.
Like, you don’t know what struggle is until you’re finding nurturing in a trash bin.
You’d never catch me eating food from a bin though, I’d die first.
Pride. Ya know?
Teddy almost wound up in a landfill. And don’t even get me started on how much we waste resources.
Are you aware of that Stuxnet virus? I’m getting ready to buy some land and go underground. Good luck knowing my addy. Paranoid soldier? You betcha!!!
Seriously tho, I recommend you watching and learning everything about it now.
Also there are two things you need to know in the event of a nuclear attack (I.E. one of those power plants goes boom) :
1. Get out of the city and 2. Get out of the city.
Get out of the cities, get out of the cities….
If you want to watch a scary movie, watch that documentary on Stuxnet.
Enjoy me online while you can because I promise you I’ll be going underground. Unplugging.
No matter what step I take, it’s always the wrong one.
I never had a proper upbringing, I guess I won’t have a fucking honorable death either will I?
I’d be lucky to have 7 people attend my funeral (like dear Edgar A. Poe) and I guarantee 5 of em’ will be my enemies there to celebrate my death and piss on me.
It’s a good thing I’m going to fucking drown myself in the sea.
Problem solved. And 1 mysterious death in bound.
Checkmate.
This time, I AM GHOSTING YOU.
Scouting an old cemetery in Florida yesterdayWent exploring an old cemetery yesterday in an attempt to do an upcoming cosplay shoot. It took my dad dying for me to learn that not everybody gets a tomb or a grave. 👍
I’m going through some heavy shit right now (alone and during a pandemic) so if you’re out there punishing me… 👎👎
It’s not even called a cemetery, it’s called a mount (a hill). I walked up that mount yesterday looking at tombs that have been destroyed with time and hurricanes, some abandoned and others well kept.
I don’t know why I assumed that everyone got a tomb when they died, but they don’t. Ash become many in the wind.
I still have a lot to learn about death. Realizing my dad wasn’t going to get a tomb after how he died was a big fucking light bulb.
My dad had been dead for days before he was found and you don’t know what that sort of information does to a human being.
And then reading how Edgar Allan Poe’s families just tossed him in an unmarked grave in a fucking box ho ho ho.
So life sucks. Dying sucks. And death sucks too.
When I was a kid me and my grandmother would travel around and visit different cemeteries and look at the tombs, seeing entire famalies buried on the same day, and imaging how they must have died. Sometimes she would catch me in the hole of where someone had been buried but was moved due to racism and segregation which still occurs in Mississippi. She thought it weird but I liked the smell. I still like to wander cemeteries though, reading the tombs and visiting the dead.
But it seems being buried is for the rich. And eventually Earth isn’t even going to exist. It does my mind in.
You’re a slave, Neo.
I don’t have anybody to love me while I’m alive so why can I assume that there will be anybody to love me when I’m dead…
I don’t know if I can endure another X amount of years of existence being invisible or soley alive to pay bills and be nothing more than a toy or sex object.
If you’d like to help support this blog or my creativity, and get exclusive perks in return, I’m on Patreon (all ages) & OnlyFans (18+)! My LinkTree will take you places: https://linktr.ee/poeeternal
Take the air from where I breathe He will never notice me
There you go again Breaking my heart For just a thrill It’s overkill
A thousand times over You have made your point And I know I am never what you sought Though lurking I am aching where you haunt Through searching Though every tear was bought
Age of despair But like an ember I flare him up Because I care And I’ve no defense From getting burned everywhere
I was in alliance with ineptitude
Love is like the beginning and the end. Alpha omega. I love you. I’ll kill you. But I love you forever.
You look like you are dying Bu you are already dead
As above, so below My aura is here to glow
This great depression.
There will be no headstone No grave From life to dust I’m not okay (RIP daddy)
Where are you? In every molecule? The early morning dew? The air I breathe on lonely avenue?
Where are you? If not but in every dream I dream? Clinging to the in-between? Wondering if I can be seen?
All God is woe.
My bed is overrated.
I don’t know where to begin so I’d rather not start at all…
Where have the best years of my life gone
At 26,000 light-years away, it’s the closest we’ve ever been- And if regret is a singularity, it’s finally creeping in (re: black hole)
I got cigarette burns on my skin Black holes where he’s been There’s cold creeping in A hundred reasons why I sin
You’re just her whipping boy You’re a tool You want to be her toy You’re a fool
I know not what holds him here I am a dry sponge, brittle The way time taunts me Like I am little
Give me a veil Let’s rest in hell
I got secrets that would disown me The way he’s unholy Still that’s my only
I wish Sagittarius A* would put on his parking breaks Throw me into another galaxy if that’s what it takes
I am a living statue To darkness, his bride (Well that’s a lie) Still isn’t he by my side?
It’s so dark on the inside Maybe why I cry
Banned under the same sunbeam From things I’ve seen Those things I’ve seen are haunting me
Take away the ray Take away the ray It’s burning
Chained to existence Wishing I didn’t remember you That’s coming too I won’t remember who
My eyes are sunspots Turning grey From things you say
Married to hopelessness Decay Mourning Sorrow Despair Isolation Loneliness Quantum confusion Heartache Wilderness Wonder Beauty Longing Truthfulness Purity Humanity All entities The air we breathe The hope we seek The light we keep
She built an empire on a pyramid scheme. She’s an evil queen.
The world can burn for all I care.
Sometimes Even under soft moons Or enduring high noons There will be casualties of war
And even when I face doom And circling is his tomb I believe there is love within his core
He’s been charged with possession of stolen property; my heart.
In the beginning there was nothingness. Now in the end, nothing is.
The only lines I cross are rhyme.
You are the cold emptiness of space Absolute zero You are the reason I lay in waste You’re not a hero
Come to me By frothy sea Shine your light I fancy thee
I was born into confusion Believe this, believe that It’s all delusion Best theory or illusion
I’m so much better than that flock of shit you summon Your mouth is the opposite direction I am running Your lies only come by the dozen You can knock but you can’t come in The darkness covers all but it’s my coven You ain’t welcome here again
You fool How desolate and awkward your thoughts lead you Rising plumes of gloom And I an idiot more To watch how hope you consume Bereft of pulse A necrophiliac You lifted pen then I had life But then you call creation strife But I died again after witnessing your child and wife
I’m a rib from your side A curse like Dracula’s bride Or Bonnie and Clyde I drink your love like cyanide Mixed with hope and rhyme
I am a dead sea A red sea A bad seed Devolving Unsolving Dead, see?
Death do us part
I’m tired of defending my actions against your lies From sunup to sundown I am wise I can see clearly with these eyes You can’t erase these cries
Loving him is a sentence to death row.
Why does my love always cause destructive tidal waves?
Did you know mountains were resting on your shoulder named envy? You let me crash on your soul in frenzy I’m dizzy Did you not need me?
Did you know moons were glowing with envy? Heartache cost not a penny But I got plenty If you need any?
Distance is The love we keep And even further The solution we seek
Life’s a waiting room Give my wound a womb Erase the moon Erect my tomb You are full doom
Now I owe you nothing Soul paid I’m reduced to hurting
Oh! What heavens I could reach with your arms!
Did you know when I look up I find you stargazing into my soul You know where every prayer goes
Dear Edgar, I can’t live without my love either But he is lost in the ether I can’t reach him neither
Edges of time his mind I go missing every time His rhyme Holding me to crime His line Wishing on a dime
Not everyone is created equal Like the ones who pull out fast then take it slow Those aren’t my kind of people
Sometimes, I climb into the ether where we met Heaven is risky but I took the step You feel like eternity in an instance Gotta keep our distance
A tired but clean peach. I recently started a new workout routine and you can watch my progress on Instagram. See the uncensored photos on my OF. I’ve just introduced nude digiart on my OF! I’m still in the top 50 so thank you! 💞
Thanks for checking out my work and for supporting Independent artist!
Decided to write a poem without the similes but then it felt naked so I had to put one in. 😇
I thought Dracul loved Mina. Where’s my big love? 😤😤😤
*sobs*
My tears are burning
😭😭😭 helps 😭😭😭
Oh, I just wrote this. But the way my brain is deteriorating, it surprises me I can write at all.
Well maybe when the day comes that I forget my name that I’ll finally remember yours.
Don’t fall in love with a devil 😭
It’s purgatory 😭😭😭
But now I know why Edgar Allan Poe died on the street, nakid, possibly poisoned, broke, heartbrokes, likely depressed and drunk. And he served 2 years in the military, he didn’t deserve a death like that. That was not an honorable death. Welp. He better have a statue out there or I’m gonna have an effing fit. But whatev. Asteroid Apophis is on her way. End times will come for all.
Gonna die unloved.
Not everyone winds up with a burial plot. For many, they become dust in the sand. And it takes an extreme amount of heat to burn a body. Extreme to turn bones to dust.
I know you come to me From windswept dunes Hollow and calloused from time You keep crawling And I a mirage you are hauling Like dying dreams painted golden filigree Am I unholy? The way you hold me Like butterfly wings You’re now unfolding Reflections cast like starlight You keep me glowing
Do y’all get tired of my similes? The comparisons? Because Gwen Stefani uses the word “like” in every other word just talkin’ and I’m actually trying to use mine in a creative way. I’m just wondering how many people out there are actually annoyed at my creativity? Asking for a friend.
Thank you for top 50 on OF!! I am happy to be there and to have your support!
How do I find freedom when I am shackled to your will? And lonely do I travel when I’m crawling up your hill How I linger in your shadow ’til you give me light to feel And hour after hour I am at a standstill
I don’t know who is who? Turn the boy purple, he’s still you? And that one on the corner, he is too? In fact, multiple the number, now there’s a few? Or maybe there is no one, my eyes can’t trust the view?
Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.
Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.
I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.
Not everybody wants me to die.
FYI.
Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).
We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).
I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.
I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.
I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?
I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.
Tacos. I desire tacos.
And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.
Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…
I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.
I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!
I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!
I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.
And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.
So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.
I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.
I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.
But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.
I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.
Hormones.
I’m moody. Edgy.
Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.
It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.
I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.
I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.
I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.
Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.
Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.
Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.
Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!
Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.
Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?
Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!
My official boarding pass for the upcoming rover landing to Mars. It’s also nice that we’re starting to have more successes landing on Mars than we are failures. Which might account for the planned manned missions. Woit. Gotta stay alive for this. Right? This is the kind of roses that makes me really excited. Lifeeeee universe nerdy things 😍
Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. 😊 He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.
And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/
I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0
And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…
Do you know how light travels at light-speeds? That’s how fast I travel to your galaxy. Whatever your wants, whatever your needs. My heart will see that it proceeds.
I took to you like cotton With heart-shaped leaves growing in the sunlight Softly floating over your daydreams Passing you by in a warm summer breeze
I gave you hope like fiber spun Kept the moon aglow Even after all you’ve done I let the love still flow
I took to you like electrostatic Blue lightning in my wing Racing across your ever clear eyes The way mountains pierce the top of skies (to see what you have seen)
I gave you melancholy shaped pillows In everfields growing green Vivid color for your rainbow To keep you feeling lean Kept your secrets in stow
Look at how it parts The Red Sea Still you ask if we love thee Look at how the Earth is splitting We have taken a knee Look at how the clouds hover me Galaxies glowing from envy
Below contains maybe trigger warnings so read at your own discretion. I have the ability to offend. One of my superpowers!
Sidenote: my dad died last month, and while I may seem actively posting, I’m kinda falling apart behind-the-scenes. I’m not taking too keenly the demands of my time, I’m still pushing people away, suicidal, and out of fucks to give. It’s just an FYI. I’ve no mind to socialize. I’m an introvert. I dig my privacy. I’ve always been an elusive creature. And picky with how I share my time. The narcissist is abundant and will drain me dry. It’s nothing personal, just how I be. You’ll notice how I don’t have a contact page. And now I don’t like leaving comments on other bloggers stuff because my email gets disclosed and I start receiving unwanted emails. This just recently happened where another blogger was acting super obsessive of me and my time and emailing me nearly on the daily (and was going on and on about how into me he was- but he doesn’t support any of my campaigns). I had to set him straight. I guess I should feel bad for sending demons back to hell but I’m dead inside. 👍👍
You will likely hear other bloggers call me a “bitch” for being indifferent to their narcissistic tools of manipulation…. M’kay keep moving. I know my worth.
I am a Vampiress. Queen of the Undead. And I bite.
*muwahahahahaha*
And y’all thought I was joking when I told you the devil has me on speed dial for advice. Tsk tsk.
In other news, I have packages in delivery, but due to covid, may not arrive til next year. Welp. I’m being sarcastic. They should have already arrived but they’re kind of in limbo. I’ve been planning a vampire cosplay shoot. Like, we may get to Mars before that happens. Again, sarcasm. But it’s the first time I’ve ever done anything like I’m planning to do and I’ve planned to do it during a fucking pandemic. Not the best timing I admit. But 2021 already feels like deja vu. Or just 2020 2.0.
I feel like I’ve been here before even though I haven’t. I feel aloof. Have I really died? Heaven feels kind of empty.
Is there like a hug from Gavin Rossdale at the end of the tunnel/light? I need hugs. Welp.
Not in love with the guy, just been obsessed with him since the 90s, my second crush, no big deal. It’s just when he sees me at his shows he showers me with all sorts of love and sometimes his guitar pick or sweat. I act all sorts of stewpids around him. Cursed him accidentally in Miami once but the next day I got a tweet by him that it was great to see me. Got all kinds of mems with my king but man I didn’t get to go to one show in 2020 which means I didn’t get one fucking hug from my king. Welp.
There aren’t many bands in the alternative scene that are still putting out music that I like or many of them have already died but Bush remain a huge inspiration for me musically. Dig his films too. Gavin Rossdale’s role in “Constantine” with Keanu Reeves was fucking amazing. Gav has done lots of film stuff but he’s not fond of the long hours, itchy makeups, TV, or being away from his fams. KING.
I miss gigging so much. Gah. I’ve seen Bush in several different states and cities now. But it’s to the point I’m ready to save up some money to see them in the UK. Only the pandemic as a barricade. Welp.
Gav giving me his Superman poses! Uhm, his abs are rock hards. Couldn’t stop the feels. 😍Birthday gig August 2019. Seems another life ago!! 😭😍😭
The Bush Army hate me but the leader likes me coming to his shows. 😍
If I ever get the chance to meet him again I hope I can act normal. I literally start screaming when he comes near me okay I fucking scream. Like a little girl. How fucking cute. But then I start dropping shit or I’ll cuss him out or I’ll forget like basic introductions. Welp. My brain just dumps loads of chemicals when I’m around him and I go fucking haywire. It’s ridic.
I do have loads of band photography from a lot of bands that I’ve seen because photography is a passion of mine and maybe one day I’ll start sharing that here on my blog.
When I love a band I love a band obsessively and wholly. Pink Floyd has been my number uno since the age of 8. I’d piss myself if I ever met David Gilmour. Maybe keel over and die of happiness too. Welp.
This poem IS NOT about my king. I do not long for him in such ways. I couldn’t sleep and it’s now almost 2 a.m. and I needed someone to talk to. Kinda. The quiet hours are my favorite time to write. Or just be. You also have to be extremely careful of serial killers and rapists but you know. I have 15 years of army training as a reminder. I am a trained killer. But also, I don’t really think killers like killing suicidal people cuz we just be like “yeah come on give it to me, where yah been my whole life” 😍…
So what’s the pandemic like at your neck of the woods? I’m going stir crazy if yah can’t tell. And Florida feels like 1 degree. I can’t even step outside it feels like Antarctica. I need my cold weather gear to take my dog for a piss. I can’t deals.
I always find it so strange that the absence of light means coldness. Death. I don’t want anybody touching my cold fucking leather after I die. I’m starting to have these weird fucking ideas about my body when I die.
It’s weird seeking death and immortality at the same time but I’m a strange one.
Ideally, I would like to donate my entire body to an organization that would like to freeze me and bring me back via clone or some sort of digital format. I don’t really want to donate my body to science so some students can cut me up and squirt my blood all over each other laughing, no thanks.
Or that asshole in the morgue who doesn’t know how to handle my hair.
Yes, I worry about my body after death. Why? I know not.
Necrophiliac’s? Eek. I have trouble fucking things that ARE alive.
Sometimes the dead are more alive tho. And better company.
I delivered my heart to you On sunbeams traveling under moonlight Perched like stars in the night My soul broody from day I called to you in raging storms and hurricanes I left clawmarks all along your names Softly with the flutter of a firefly Flickering in your dreams I came like a herd and with thunder Tiny feet to pull you under I crawled through windswept deserts Sleeping under doom I risked all to bring holiness to you Like a lone desert flower filled with hope And all the comfort you can evoke I came with tidal waves Gushing from love A tsunami rushing for your word The way heaven is mimicked with your verb And galaxies crumbling under your voice As if we had any choice
Really sorry about the previous post deletion. Twice I’ve inadvertently published something simply by opening up the WP app. Had a proper meltdown too.
Anyhoo, this was freshly written before the meltdown. Freestyle ‘after midnight’ poetry.
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Have you ever felt the cold night move over you like fog Like lace covered in unholy smog You’re not the boy at all I thought You’re not the hope that I had sought
The Great Expansion The Great Divide The Great Unearthing All I despise
From written word to analog Or being threatened to back off Then having no dialogue I guess I’ve been miscataloged
Inconsolable The way you throb for her I move through life Like I’ve heard not a word You’ll get what you deserve My love decomposable Grasping at darkness It’s exposable The Great Unearthing You’re disposable
I have some photo shoots I’m wanting to get done but also a lot of moving parts that need to come together. Scout locations. Costume fittings. Weather permitting. And that’s just a few… I don’t want to give away too much but I’ve never done anything like this before. Patience needs to be a virtue. I’m antsy.
The Covid pandemic is also holding up items in the mail that I need. But whatevs. Life. Gotta come up with plan B, C, D and revise/update when you can. I’m very spontaneous, what the fuck is patience? Go now! Welp. Not now now though because it feels like Antarctica outside currently. I nearly turned into a Snowman. WTF Florida get it together. My heat is on.
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exposed to you in naked lines I draw from worlds I’ve not made real save for the cosmos of my rhymes a universe of verse revealed read each word on tender lips that they find life beyond this mind the ink-stains on my fingertips made flesh and blood for you to find let each sound […]
I once held him like constellations I ate his ripened fruit full of temptations Like when you are feeling loved in all the locations He was my biggest wonder in all of the nation’s
I was a most avid reader Growing like cedar Never needed a breather Now I am neither
Look at how you carve through precious stone- You go from cherished to disowned!
If this is how you treat what you cherish- Spear the love, see if it will perish?
Cherished muse- You have 20 more to replace for every one you lose!
Let me tell you what you wish; A face you really could cherish!
He can turn water into poison You’ll never know you were chosen He can turn truth into erosion He’s got fire but it is frozen
Don’t call on him to have pity You won’t find any in his city Crossing wires like love is infinity He is guilty
He’s not bold He’d whimper and fold He looks old But that’s the price of cold?
It’s a balancing act Trying to remain intact After privacy is lacked And seeing through any mask
How did all these years come to pass Living hour by hour under glass When did mere living come last Crawling these circles full mask
How many roads of lies were paved When did summer turn to grave Too broken or damned to save “Regret” on tomb engraved
She’s got everything hasn’t she? She has his time, admiration, and money. Still, she’s confused on who to be. Meanwhile, I’m a fish out of water, He doesn’t care if I die or breathe
I got iron steel regret How heavy can it get? I’ll find out yet Weighing every bet
Pinching any nerve left I’ll fail each and every test I’m the very best at less I’m the best at less!!!
I do terrible things For love In everything absent of – I don’t rise above
If only disappointment were a page to turn If dismay were a sunray But I chew on bitterness Bewildered from his poison seed
I pack worry in a suitcase Toss my rainboots in a tree Laced with lies received It’s how I bleed
I sometimes think you are many faces Filling spaces Second bases All these places
You assemble hope in tied up laces Watching over me like the moon in phases Carrying me over trouble through midnight races
Love is like the beginning and end
There will be no headstone No grave From life to dust I’m not okay
Deny me love. I will appeal.
I’ve been berated Words sophisticated Now time is hated Black holes where waited Hours wasted Love is not how it tasted Love is not how it tasted
At 26,000 light-years away, it’s the closest we’ve ever been And if regret is a singularity, it’s finally creeping in
Could fit all I am in a tiny box Cheap, won’t cost a buck Disposable and out of luck And for me, he doesn’t give a fuck
Well thank you for leaving me where I didn’t want to be.
He’s been charged with possession of stolen property.
You can lead a comet through a narrow path Treat darkness like an overpass
Lay down a red carpet full of glass Ask the Sun if it’s okay to bask Precious love is always last
You turn a word into a ton of weight Can make a damaged heart dilate Stop all of hope with an iron gate And take holy love to desecrate
You can lead a comet through a narrow path Make an angel take a dirty bath
I’ve seen the dead rise from the ink you spill Not even god can escape the gravity of your will You dig tunnels just for thrill See how many you can kill
Come to me By frothy sea Shine your light I fancy thee
Red shift, blue shift I don’t give a shit
I’m so much better than that flock of shit you summon Your mouth is the opposite direction I am running Your lies only come by the dozen You can knock but you can’t come in The darkness covers all but it’s my coven You ain’t welcome here again
I’m having trouble facing things Or how the sorrow becomes permanent encasings Though a bullet to the skull wouldn’t phase me A daily crucifixion, the only life I’m facing
You’re cruel Using me as your fuel You’re not my tool
I drink from the carton And I never show my enemy just how I’m hurtin’ I draw the curtain And if you catch me taking a nap Are you for certain?
I’m a rib from your side A curse like Dracula’s bride Or Bonnie and Clyde I drink your love like cyanide Mixed with hope and rhyme
Cut the cord yes I certainly did Filled my home with darkness so thick I hid Over valleys of crying I skid
Death and chaos is order Loving him made me older Even a glowing moon can’t comfort the way you smother You’re a terrible lover Always lying under cover You don’t love her You have only mind to wonder Less a heart just feet with thunder Get going you monster
Well, how much more dead can you get?
I don’t know what it’s like to be desired If I had purpose it’s now expired My wings expand but heart is tired Tell me what in life is required?
Why does my love always cause destructive tidal waves?
Did you know mountains were resting on your shoulder named envy? You let me crash on your soul in frenzy I’m dizzy Did you not need me?
Did you know moons were glowing with envy? Heartache cost not a penny But I got plenty If you need any?
Gone But left my heart to disassemble on its own I left it rotting on your throne Caring too much for desensitized bone Lust your carried tomb I’d rather be alone Direction unknown
Got dressed up all like I had no where to goes- But I did and I do, I have people to impose
There are parts of me that are dying Fragile cells multiplying Swamps forming from lying Weeping willows heard crying
Edges of time his mind I go missing every time His rhyme Holding me to crime His line Wishing on a dime
Sometimes, I climb into the ether where we met Heaven is risky but I took the step You feel like eternity in an instance Gotta keep our distance
Every day there’s some new tragic fate with you.
Evolve or repeat.
Why hold on to something when all our sums have failed Why give me any hope when there’s holes within my sails
I fell in love with a monster Spying on ways he would watch her Twisting and burning for answer Changing moments to cancer
I can smell the lie on his tongue I can see the tar clear in his lung I know every direction he’s coming from I know evil is where he sprung
I can see his shadow hanging low Like a spider crawling slow He’s not here to help you grow A web of lust his afterglow
He brings you presents wrapped as lies When dressed as shame he’ll change devise To maintain charm he’ll risk goodbyes
God they’re all the same Using lies to earn your trust We’re just a game You think you know their name Then learn the truth now you’re to blame
God says I can’t save them all- Focus on the stars, I know about the stars So I’m on my knees, I wallow in these scars
God says, watch how the colors bleed- How it’s flowing free We’re only allowed pockets of energy
Stop serving good vibes to those deserving of goodbyes
If only there were a fence that lead me to your green pastures. Or if love were the grandest gestures.
Would it cease our need of treasures? And increase in heart our pleasures?
I’m hanging onto life with all I have left And you I’m clinging to with every single breath
He grew obsessed after every loss The thing he loved, became his cross Still over mountains, he gave it all And how he sweat, she never saw
From the top, to the bottom, to rising again Deserted deserts, losing treasures, our feet have been Over powered, over run, still fit to win The trouble with hope, it burrows under your skin
How can heaven weigh this? Are you not why heaven fell?
How many lies are you leading The light receding And was I ever in your field of needing? How many lives proceeding
How wave after wave pummeled Darkness fully tunneled
I don’t want to be known for the wars I fought – Or the hate I taught
I don’t belong here With the putrid Though the dead more alive
I bit more than I can chew I am stupid Got the devil in my crew
I invited evil to dance Then got muted The devil in a trance
I see through mask like a pattern Deeply rooted Though in the dark he was my lantern
He has to be very careful Of who, of what, of when, of why Every step he makes is sterile Of love, of care, of hope, or I
I am replaceable A traveler straight to erasable He is obsessed with her And her and her But me it’s always never
I can handle extreme pressure under fire But put me in the cold and I will expire
I’M CREATING NUDE PHOTOGRAPHY, VIDEOGRAPHY, COSPLAY, AND ADULT STORIES ON MY ONLYFANS! WWW.ONLYFANS.COM/POEETERNALShameless self-promotion. I’m planning a special shoot!
Thanks for checking out my work and for supporting independent artists!
I don’t mind that I’m a bit dirty lol. To be fair, the potato is my favorite vegetable. I am a special spud growing in his existence. Am I the root of all evil? 😀😏😆
Our garden of the damned?
*laughs insanely*
Damn, now I want some mashed potatoes. Or chips. Fries. Twiced baked. Salad. Soup. GIVEMAH!!
In other news, I live in an apartment complex that sounds like a war zone and I need to move. Anxieties.
I’ve been seriously busy planning a cool photoshoot so I hope things go according to plans. They rarely do! So I don’t want to give anything away yet. But, as things progress, you know, updates. I haz secrets!! 😍
Have you ever fed on hope The way you spoon it to me in soft crescent words I’ve seen your shadow dancing in twilight I wake for your golden hour Any hour Melting into sunrises You lower heaven on my shoulder So I can skip through its halls and miss prayer Watch how my hope crosses dimensions to find you resting at my feet We are nesting on a great divide Where dreams are real life Hearts a multiverse Parts of my soul where you left claw marks Sacred holy landmarks I pray to you
PoeEternal 