i wanted to say yes the entire drive until i got there it was an immediate no
fool me once but i think i would rather hold onto my pot
someone was actively living in Blu
Blu was worse than my current situation, if you could believe
i will save it for another blog post cuz the rifle or shotgun was just resting by the open back door
and i did wonder if that was part of the package deal
the squatter (i mean owner) and all
the land is fertile cuz there are more than secrets buried under that house and growing up the walls
not to mention the smell
of bodies rotting – from probably a decade or so more – enough time to put it back on the market, with someone “actively living in it”, which i did not learn until arrive
gonna take more than lighting a candle honey
i don’t feel so bad about buying a piggy bank after the day i had
i chalk it up to one them bad days like when i was 15 and wound up somewhere i shouldn’t having to do things to not get raped or unalived
like the creep factor was all around
i felt bad for the plants and garden
i thought it had been used as a b&b before being listed, meaning it would be clean at minimum, despite the hoarding to hide the filth growing on the walls
not to mention the mats to cover the dips in the ground
and in the house
uhm
creep factor overload
im gonna order a pizza from hungry howies maybe
and calm the fuck down
have a hot bath where i can sanitize my soul
all the way, “look another sign points to yes”
and the immediate no, how i wanted to just leave and not even see, but things like “well it has potential” as the owner with the big gun was lurking – well the gun was out – but he disaapeared
all windows open
“oh yeah it’s safe here, never need to close them”
i guess im gonna be walking everywhere?
i aint dropping 200k into some rundown shithole with someone actively living in it
how the fuck is this legal
whatever
Boomers can keep their hand
im out
it felt so good to be in the creepy countryside
but i dont want to see behind door number two
i would have been embarrassed to show my client that
and it was his first time seeing it too
so what is the purpose of a realtor – in this timeline china 2.0?
(owner reeked of alcohol and rot)
(or maybe that was just the house)
sorry to get your hopes up on blu
i wont have any excitement about anything going forward
‘cept maybe the upcoming baptism & pizza
there wasn’t worth even selling at the future garage sell
it would have cost more money for junk service removal and cleanup
but their delusional what they think their empire of shit is worth…
(i didn’t even get pictures)
(but im certain they got pictures of me cuz noticed a cam upon entering)
i dont wanna talk or think about it anymore at the moment
just did a 4 hour roundtrip to see a run down piece of shit property with someone actively living there – it aint even clean!
there are worse things hiding there for covid
but heyyyyy “the bar is nearby”
so you think walking distance to a bar and a new roof equals 200k
the floor was caving in
the vines were begging me to help them
i fleed
i will say my faith is growing stronger
but i dont know about my will to live
(prob ghosting my “dream team”)
like wtf
my dog barked the entire time i was gone
he was stinky and panicky and sweaty
and only then did he eat his feast i prepared him before i left
only when i retuned did he chow down
and now he’s upside down passed out
i told him blu was a no-go
it is in worse condition than our current situation
and prob why the owner sleeps with all hos windows open and a gun by his unlocked backdoor
and men are worried about my baggage?
my body count?
gtfu
i need pizza after this travesty
and guidance on where to move
that aint some overpriced hellscape
the fence was plastic and “the neighbor put it up”
i just thought the fence would be MY PROPERTY
i hope the landlord fixes the mold soon but thankful God has given me a couple cool days
since i cant run the AC in the sunshine state
im gonna wind up at yer yard with my piggy bank famished and filthy
cuz theres nowhere to go
lost in hell
and you both have pen names presumably?
i mean, is that really your name?
i think im losing my mind again so need food medicine and bath
the basics
back on bedrest!
he had a gun by the backdoor but a camera in the front (and secret rooms full of dead peoples things potentially)
there were cats and dogs living there
i didnt see that in the photos
the place was more put together and less “lived in” tho i swear someone or three died “fertile land”
“no ma, they won’t know she was pregnant, just toss it out back by the cherry tree”
“…I can’t believe you got her pregnant, she was fifteen”
“…needs ma”
“…tell her to cover up”
“well i can’t tell her anything now can i”
that house was built on unholy land and unholy things have been done there (potentially)
(im not actually an oracle tho i sometimes know things before they happen)
im pretty certain “monster” is what the therapist sees
“shots fired, shots fired” – has no idea from where – panics – targets the car in front of him 😬
but im called “paranoid and crazy” cuz i dont want to leave my house cuz anytime i do there is high risk for me to get trafficked, kidnapped, swamped, hid in a wall, or something worse 👀
and the traffic is insane
25 minutes just to back up from the parking lot at Publix and the overweight white millennial parked next to me nearly blew his lid
there are worse ways to die than John Jones – but so far – for me – his tops
only 10% of people hear voices in their head – and i hear whole symphonies of people who have died – singing – the most beautiful sounds
ive been collecting acorns around here
that squirrel or the lawnmower hasnt destroyed
it used to be a swamp out here but it was nearly all wiped out
i tell the trees and animals i worry for them
the remaining bits of trees that remain
but its private property and just cuz 70% of my income goes to living here – it dont mean i get a say about how things go
the blowing dirt and leaves around the parking lot for HOURS
DUMB
over pruning the trees
DUMB
i get triggered when i hear the chainsaw now 😭
“mature trees and landscaping” the website advertises
but they cut down a baby tree growing – and i planted more seed in the same spot – now another baby is growing
and they cut the arms off of the trees growing towards the sunlight
she was a sycamore
had survived two hurricanes
but not the chainsaw
i cried
i researched pruning – with pictures –
not to mention all the fish they killed dumping chems into the water
i called the EPA eventually and Allan laughed at me
i think i ended that call “i know you want love with a prostitute”
Allan was terrified for his life 🥶
i got a private call from
a cop “so youre not on your way to orlando right now”
*laughs*
“not at this precise moment, no….”
*laughs*
I bet Allan still thinks about me 🤩
*laughs*
cut down another tree – fire more shots at people cuz acorns are violent as hell
Tell him every time I go to buy vegan dairy, it’s SPOILT
I guess the asshole packing my $100 order (not including delivery and tips) decided to get the cold items first, leave them out for hours, until delivery?
And I paid MORE for dairy free
I paid MORE for delivery
But I guess the fat asshole is quietly quitting
But he was wanting that tip
Meanwhile, I’m stuck in a storm DYING and now I ain’t got no snacks to eat
These demons get paid either way right
I’m just a stupid skinny white bitch
He’s one cookie away from a heart attack and I hope it finds him quicker now
But I’ll forget you just like I forgot your fucking birthday
And I’ll cast you to hell to burn for all eternity 😬
I had to get closer to bite the snakes head off and now I’m tainted
I’m setting a boundary though so I don’t open up to you about my personal life anymore so you can play shit brigade on my happies
We both know I’m a diamond in the rough and you just don’t want anybody else to get their hands on me
There’s two versions of me, the version I was and the version I want to become and somewhere in the middle there’s clothing I bought that just isn’t working out, and I am allowed to fucking dress myself
If I were seeking only validation or a shit ton of validation or validation, in general, I probably would post daily fucking videos on my goTdamn TikTok
Or weekly
Or monthly
But I’m selfish and don’t want anyone seeing the treasure in the closet
Recently, I wanted to buy an Apple Watch and I was like a GPS would be nice especially because I’m hurt and I could be watched 24 seven and I love being spied on 24 seven and then if I did get hurt I could just push a button and someone could come out or whatever but then I was more concerned that BLM would want to kidnap me because I was wearing an Apple Watch 👀
So I guess I ain’t getting a watch
But don’t tell him about all the weapons that I’m buying
That’s where the real treasure is
This is the Devil’s society where every fucking choice is a sin
I literally planned for a makeover and now he’s mad at me about it and I’m not even over with my makeover 🙄
I don’t even own a LBD (little black dress) 😲
Anyhoo
I talk to God a lot about my habits
He never makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world if I fail at something
He allows me to learn
In a positive environment
I’ve been trying to grow plants and just because I’m failing doesn’t mean I’m gonna give up on growing a garden in the future..
Or continuing to learn how to manage my finances
But for the record, I follow the 50/30/20 rule as that’s what all the library books taught me when I was trying to learn about all of this and buying clothes is part of the 30 🤓
Like where am I wrong?
My bills are paid. I’m working off 2 debts. I refuse to take out any loans or credit cards.
I’m jumping ship when God signals to me “this land here” and I can become a landowner and thus figure out how to take care of the wildlife
I need to build bird a house
And give turtle 🐢 a cool area
The ark is the land
I need to fertilize the earth or something 😫
I need things to grow 😫
I’m sick of all the war death sickness and fighting
I’m dying!!!!!!!
I only get this one chance to feel things
I’m pretty much dead inside, but the clothing and heating pad was starting to give me some life
And God too 🥺
I’m part of the 244
And what’s wrong with taking care of yourself
I know you’d rather me be a crack whore without any teeth
Yea I mean I’m following the 50/30/20 rule until I’m content with the clothing
Because I don’t have too much of an addictive personality. I will course correct fairly quickly when I realize I’m going down that route.
I really think you would’ve liked what I was gonna mail you but you’re a fucking dick
But whose gonna tell her that “things aren’t well down there” and it’s not from hitting a vape from the ground? 😭
This is what men like/want 😭
Women wearing sweatpants with no panties shitting themselves in the streets? 😭
She gave this info out freely? 😭
I pissed myself in the Golden corral parking lot once because I ate too much and was laughing too hard
Does that count for confession? 😭
I told my daughter to never tell anyone 😭
The panic in my voice “I’m pissing myself / it won’t stop coming out” and then my daughter nearly pissing herself from laughing too hard
I thought I would take that one to the grave with me
But since people are shitting themselves in public – and I don’t know where the rest of this story goes – I’m too disgusted with these demons in my feed
So – were you aware – that universities are on WordPress and require students to use WordPress to post and respond to other students post – and receive GRADED reports
Cuz that wasn’t in the Privacy policy or any of the FAQ or payment policies
I’m not just paying to reach my tribe – they are flooding the network however they can – so we can chase our tails – meanwhile the younger generations get fed with a platinum spoon – this society
We’re paying in the upwards of $300 -$600 to maintain our blogs/ websites every three years – to reach students and faculty! (Or around $150 annually)
I’m off Twitter, deleted my account and data without requesting a copy
I’m not touching crypto or the Metaverse
I see Big Bro spent a shit ton of money so Instagram can now say “Meta”
Funny how the government told us gambling was illegal but then made every aspect of our lives about gambling and social media is no longer a social aspect
There’s nothing social about it anymore
We are the products
And you better believe these top creators are paying to play because they’ve made a game out of it
And now I see famous actors collaborating with TikTok influencers 🙄
Because big networks have moved onto TikTok
And they for sure are paying to be in the FYP
People with checkmarks are the enemy and they hog everything
There’s nothing social about social media anymore
We were all played
And stop giving them your damn opinion on everything because they just use it against us!
If you’re gonna give your opinion at least get paid for it with something more than spam
ugg it’s 2 am, I was sleeping
But my nightmare awoke me but then reality was worse than my nightmare 😩
He was hung by the slope The sun was setting on every hope And wrapped in iron, the illusion of choice While succumbing to slaughter, very little to rejoice
Dreams were the thread by which he hung And surely regret saturating the tongue And in between chaos he circled the calm While hanging from reason, he slipped into psalm
And based on “the stench” comments and the fact the the cave was humid and he was sweating – leads me to believe he decomposed and his bones are laying at rest
But I want him out of that fucking cave
And I’d like to stuff Michael Leavitt in it instead 👀
Eye for an eye
(I wish I were better at things but I’ve only ever been average at most…)
I don’t understand my purpose here but it’s not India’s grand design
If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to disassociating
Look at my ship (this is how you enter a black hole) 👀
Look at all the dust collecting on the wing Look at all the lessons where we haven’t learned a thing Look at all the voices crying they don’t know to sing Look at all the petty liars bowing for their king
Send me one more piece of junk mail for your fucking services and I’m coming up to your fucking building
I’m coming up to your fucking building and you’re not gonna like me turning Karen on you, I can fucking promise you that, you’re not gonna fucking like it if I have to come up to your fucking office, stop harassing me, stop sending me mail!!!
I’ve opted out on your website via phone and mailings several times and every day there is a piece of spam in my mailbox from you! This has gone on for four years!
I’m about to go postal, do you fucking hear me now now!?!
Stop sending me mail! I’ve opted out on your website several times!!! Stop spamming me!!!
I made a TikTok about it because this is your final fucking warning to leave me the fuck alone!!!
I have done everything in my power to get rid of advertising in my life, to the point that I don’t even watch fucking TV and yet every time I go check my mailbox I have some junk mail by Spectrum and I’m gonna fucking blow all the buildings up if you don’t leave me the fuck alone
👀
Unfuckinghinged
Final warning
👀
And the thing is I am with sound fucking mind telling you this but you have driven me out of my fucking mind
So how sound am I?
Like flicking the match to light my cigarette fucking calm before exiting my vehicle
👀
This sort of harassment with spam and advertising should be illegal, my fucking personal mailbox should not be used like this.
I spend way too much money in rent every month to be consistently harassed by your fucking company
Leave me the fuck alone!!!!!
Rape rape rape of privacy!
Help!!!! Being harassed!!!!!!
Spectrum is harassing me!!!!
Can I get a fucking restraining order?????
Again, I have visited their website on several occasions and filled out the information and the forms to opt out of communications or services and they won’t leave me alone and it’s been going on for four years and I’m losing my fucking mind!!!!
I am not exaggerating, it’s every other fucking day I have a piece of junk mail by them over four years now!!!
They are responsible for destroying the rainforest!!!!!
Help!!!!!!
I’m being held prisoner against my will!!! Why is this company allowed to mail me so much fucking shit to my private home address?
Why do they have my fucking private home address? Why do all these goddamn fucking companies have my private home address?
Turn your advertising off everywhere, including on Yahoo because they are selling your personal information!! And god knows what other apps!
Anytime you download an app or use an app you are giving them permission to fucking ruin your life!!!!
Help!!!!! Tell Spectrum to stop harassing me by sending me offers for services every other day to my home address despite opting out on their fucking website!!!
Who is in charge because something bad is going to happen if I get any more fucking mail by them, there’s something bad gonna fucking happen if I get any more mail by them, this is your final fucking warning, your final fucking warning!!!!
Where the fuck are my rights?
I said NO
No means no!
Rape!!!!!
*loads gun*
I ain’t playing around 👀
I know I’m not the only one being fucked out there by these companies, I hope somebody else has my fucking back around here!!!
Like the fucking law!
No means no!!!!
Leave me alone!!!!!
Go away!!!!!
Private address!!!
No soliciting!!!!!
Fuck off!!!
I will fucking die before I ever join Spectrum
You’re never getting me now!!!!
It’s a matter of principle 💪
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
I’m pretty sure I woke up my neighbors venting about your fucking company
And look at this bullshit, they’re responding by giving me an external link to use, I’m not clicking that fucking shit, that’s how you get shit installed on your fucking computers or devices, I don’t touch fucking links!!!
Goddamn these motherfuckers get my goddamn heart rate up and I need zero stress right now in my life because I already have heart trouble
But yesterday when I went to get the mail out of my mailbox and I had two more pieces of junk mail by spectrum I nearly lost my fucking mind
Because it’s been going on for four years and I can’t get it to stop
👀
Nightmare
I’m in hell
Some external loop
I’m in the wrong timeline
Somebody needs to get spectrum off my back though because I’m about to go to jail
If I stop following you and you block me, that’s okay.
I’m not gonna block you back.
I don’t even want to remember your fake ass username or how terrible of a person you really are.
The same people who punish me for getting sick for getting vaccinated are the same kind of people who would’ve locked me on the bottom of the Titanic and watched it sink in boats that could’ve held more people.
Instead of people wishing me get wells, I get ignored, unfollowed, or blocked.
“Everybody gone mad / everybody dog food” – Michael Jackson
I have underlining health issues like a lot of Americans and this vaccine could actually hurt them like it did me or all the teens and youths’s
The CDC and Big Pharma should have placed warnings in the beginning when they knew the risks but kept them from us
End of!
For the record, my heart swelled up, heart tissue got damaged, I was in a lot of pain.
I’m just now getting to a point where I’m not feeling agonizing pain on the daily.
I’ve already had multiple tests done on my heart, and I still have two stress tests pending that I don’t even want to do.
My heart has been under enough stress, thank you.
And the guys who come and go from my life virtually are no different from the guys who came and went in my life in my real world and they always did me dirty no matter how good of a fucking girlfriend I was to them (or friend), no matter how good of a sexual partner I was to them, no matter how well of a financial partner I was to them or how I supported them it was always the opposite for me and very degrading, every relationship was very very degrading because apparently most everybody is a fucking narcissist and all they care is about is using others to get ahead, friends, family, co-workers, they spare no one!
But I’m supposed to feel bad that they’re gone 🙄
It’s my fault, when people are bad to me 🙄
I deserve to be punished 🙄
I’ve had dudes break up with me because my tits weren’t fake 🙄
I grew up in a society where they shamed mother bodies
But now you can watch women breast-feeding on Twitter in a sexualized manner 🙄
Whereas, I would’ve had eggs thrown at me if I had ever breast-fed in public 🤨
Oh my fucking God, stop the press, I’ve been called a whore again. 👀
He’s mad at me and now using that disgusting piece of shit ex of mine as a bomb to hurt me *rolls eyes* 🙄
Mark did scam me out of a lot of things, but my real love and heart he never got. He kept my pussy dry literally. Keep reading on to learn more 👀
(I went no contact from Mark – he posted on my blog when he got back with one of his exes, I didn’t go to The Chameleons blog – he came to mine. He’s a narcissist and I’d gone no contact but he was desperate for me to know – he’s desperate for me to love him. I don’t. I can’t stand Mark Burgess. He’s the plague and I want NOTHING to do with him. He never pays taxes, he lives rent free off the women he abuses. He’s a scumbag and writing music doesn’t give you the right to do the monstrous things he has done and continues to do. He’s a menace and needs burned at the stake, along with all the books and music. Erased from history is the only ending he deserves. Of course, he leads everyone to believe that the women are the problem even tho it’s the women running from HIM. And he moves from one relationship to the next. Claims true love every time. He taste like death. 🤮🤮🤮
I did a runner from Mark Burgess because he is the plague and you should stay far the fuck away from him.
I don’t like or love him.
I couldn’t even get sexually off from him
I couldn’t even get wet down there 😑
I don’t like Mark Burgess
I don’t love Mark Burgess
And you don’t get to act like you’re my best friend and then turn around and call me a whore just because I have a political fucking opinion about what’s going on in the world and I actually have a right to say something about what’s going on in the world because I’ve actually served my fucking country you piece of shit
Look at all this charming smooth talk via PM tho. You always wanted me to chat with yah, never did/would tho. Hell, you invited me into your home and offered to pay for my hotel.
But now publicly suddenly I am one of the worst things ever and a whore and I’m selling my body on the cheap
🧐
👇👇👇👇
👀
I never did give him what he wanted though- my time or my friendship and now look at him calling me a whore 👀 from inviting me and paying for my hotel to calling me a fucking whore 👀
He says I think the world owes me everything and I’m selling my body “on the cheap”
👀
But he was just inviting to pay for my fucking hotel room
👀
Now I’m a whore and he’s siding with that piece of shit Mark 👀
I am called a whore / you’d give me your dinner?
For the record, I don’t need anyone paying my hotel bills when I travel, I do that on my own.
I normally stay with my best friend who is a female – I’ve visited her in England twice staying with her 2 weeks on each visit.
I also helped with food and the electric and left her some moneyzzz cuz I’m not a complete bum.
She did not ask me to do this. Flights anywhere are expensive – and I’m happy to stay with my REAL FRIENDS when I visit if they invite me.
I’m not rich nor ever have been.
I was not born with a silver spoon.
I’ve always had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet.
I do not feel bad or guilty for stripping to eat or pay my bills.
You don’t get to invite me into your life and then call me a whore after and not get sandblasted.
He was always denied tho – as you can see – I don’t talk to anyone.
Prime example why
They all want to fuck me for free
Yet I’m called cheap
👀
Yea, I’m the problem clearly
Fuck off now
Run back to Mark Burgess
You’re both twats
Stop acting like you don’t have a porn addiction or that you are all holy and can call me your friend and then a “whore” (but only after you offered to pay for my hotel – I wasn’t a whore when you were offering to pay for my visit)
Never even had the desire to meet you – let alone for you to pay for my hotel.
“Whore” yup m’kay why? Because I do cosplay? Because I take off my clothes now during a pandemic because I’m disabled and need to pay my bills and we are in a RECESSION?
Because I blew through my life savings trying to stay afloat?
Because the jobs I was working paid under minimum wage and I have a college degree but can’t find work in my field due to the recession/furloughs/hiring freezes?
And those minimum wage jobs are taxed like hell and barely support cost of living (COLA) which is why people work multiple jobs to stay afloat?
Because they can’t save one fucking penny to get ahead.
Because nobody wants to actually support me or my dreams because they all want to “be my friend” so they can fuck me?
When I don’t want to fuck anybody –
Because I want to make babies with the love of my life and he recently bought me pizza?
Because I’m not actually a whore and there’s nothing wrong with sex workers.
I don’t actually “sell my body” 🧐
I don’t think anyone can actually “sell their body”. 🤔
If you mean “perform sex acts”, that isn’t anything I’m actually doing.
It’s called burlesque but I’m not very good.
I like to cosplay and roleplay tho cuz being an actor was always my dream, I still audition for parts (even reality TV shows), and I love getting to play dressup cuz I was always a Soldier/tomboy.
I don’t think what I am doing is sinful.
I’m trying to understand who I am as a human and a woman.
Not the part or role that everyone else wants me to play.
What I’m doing now is what I’ve always wanted to do.
Writing, photography, cosplay, guitar, it’s my thang.
The feedback I’ve been getting on my OnlyFans has improved my overall health and mental status / self-esteem.
I would say the feedback I have received has been priceless to my growth as a human and an artist.
There’s a lot of value on my OnlyFans and I’m trying to get better at my cosplay and my photography and I think it shows.
I appreciate your good feedback, your comments, likes, tips, gifts and subscriptions!
I also GREATLY appreciate the support on my Patreon as well!
I’m so isolated and shut off from the world that the maintenance dude said he was worried about me when I didn’t answer the door 👀
I actually thanked him because there’s no one checking in on me 👀
Just because I write doesn’t mean I small talk or gossip
I am not a socialite
I am a Soldier (not a civilian)
I am an introvert
I don’t like the state of anything in the world
I’m unhinged
I can’t even go buy an egg sandwich or a Coke in the can at the goddamn gas station without getting into fucking World War III because everybody wants to make $20 an an hour with a three dollar attitude and terrible work ethic
I was making over $25 an hour for nearly 8 years with the DOD but I sank with the financial fucking recession and the government hiring freezes and the government furloughs but you don’t give a fuck about that do you?
You don’t give a fuck that I had to eat up my life savings and my retirement savings just to get through this fucking pandemic!
You don’t give a fuck about that do you? Cause I didn’t buy your fucking book or I don’t act like your best fucking friend!
There are many books and CDs I would actually like to buy I just can’t at the moment because I live paycheck to paycheck and every fucking dollar goes to paying my main cost of living which I’m barely doing – I’m living under my means, but you don’t give a fuck about that do you cause I’m not tit for tat!
Fake fake fake!!!!!!!
I’m not dying on the street!!!
(My therapist is calling me today finally – they’ve been trying to reach me for a long time) 👀
I get to let my doctor know that I stopped disassociating for 5 minutes to check the news, and now I’m more disengaged and paranoid. 👀
I get to let him know that I almost had World War III with the gas station clerk. 👀
There’s something seriously wrong with the world 👀
Feel free to blame me – as long as I get to stay away
Put me back in my foxhole!!!! 👀
Give me my M16A2 rifle! 👀
I am still a Soldier! 👀
*Realizes she’s stuck on the Titanic because all the rich people have locked her on the bottom of the Titanic and now they’re hanging out on boats that could’ve had more people watching me sink*
👀
The reason I don’t check in on people is because I don’t have the social abilities to communicate currently. 👀
And the rare few people that I do decide to check in on, 98% of them give me a fucking attitude in return.
Because narcissism
👀
And I refuse to be manipulated or controlled by you and you’re fucking everywhere aren’t you
👀
I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t so I just want to be alone 👀
And I don’t wanna get to know you because you just want to ask for me for free nudes
👀
Or my hand in marriage 👀
I’m not interested in you 👀
I’m wholly obsessed with 2 dudes and I have never once talked to my therapist about that sort of behavior 👀
They don’t want anything to do with me 👀
But I’m like Bush how he was with Congress when they passed shit into law and Bush said I don’t care and then he did all those “signing statements” because voting means absolutely fucking nothing and you and I no longer have rights because we’ve moved into a fucking Hitler state hello hello hello
Do you like me underneath the filter? Or when my self-esteem is low, that I’m breaking every mirror? Is my age something you consider? Do you know it makes me bitter?
Do you know I am a sinner? Or my life is growing thinner? How I’m like an over-thinker? And you got me by the finger?
From dudes ghosting me to trying to kidnap me off the street- I just ain’t feeling right…
Know what I mean?
You ever have some guy wait for you to come out of the store and then exit their vehicle and chase you down the sidewalk and then not take two no’s for an answer?
He actually went “hmmm” and started looking around the parking lot.
This is after I’ve told a stranger no TWICE that I did not want to go for a ride with him.
He still hadn’t left.
Now he’s going “hmmm” and his eyes are scanning the front door and parking lot.
He then looks back at me and my facial expression read: is this the part you now grab me and I fight back
He said “alright” despairingly and left. Finally. But it was the longest seconds of my life. Too many seconds after the second no was issued. Too many.
I spent the next 20 minutes or an hour believing he was following me and wouldn’t drive any route home.
I have not recovered.
You ever have a guy wait for you to leave the store, exit his vehicle, run down the sidewalk, and not take no for an answer?
And then watch him scope out in contemplate if he’s going to take you or not?
In broad daylight?
I don’t like getting out. It’s too dangerous being this dainty and cute.
I need a bodyguard. Hence, I’m packing weight soon.
Know what I mean?
I got a girl you want to meet her? Her name is 9 millimeter…
Thanks for putting me on the leaderboard and into the top 50!
Oh lookie, just as I was about to publish this post, I see Insta has reposted my video that was selfishly and wrongly reported by some twat!! They need to start penalizing people for wrongly reporting!!
“What this WHITE WOMAN”… “just another WHITE WOMAN” (why does he keep screaming about my skin color)?“You spilled all that shit out as if I’m supposed to give a fuck” (wait, what? You’re the one private messaging ME to “get to know me”. I guess you couldn’t see past my mental illness or color though)… So black and brown people don’t care about white people’s mental health according to Chris. He speaks for All Colored race… Doesn’t care “What we (white peope) think, feel, or say”… You still supporting his blog? 🤔
“Self-centered pieces of shit”- you realize he’s talking about white people, right? Then I’m called a bitch.
You still supporting this racist piece of fucking shit???
WHERE THE BLOGGERS AT?? HAD THIS BEEN REVERSED, I’D BEEN CRUCIFIED!!!
HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH. RACISM EXISTS IN 2021 AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE!!!
No matter what step I take, it’s always the wrong one.
I never had a proper upbringing, I guess I won’t have a fucking honorable death either will I?
I’d be lucky to have 7 people attend my funeral (like dear Edgar A. Poe) and I guarantee 5 of em’ will be my enemies there to celebrate my death and piss on me.
It’s a good thing I’m going to fucking drown myself in the sea.
Problem solved. And 1 mysterious death in bound.
Checkmate.
This time, I AM GHOSTING YOU.
Scouting an old cemetery in Florida yesterdayWent exploring an old cemetery yesterday in an attempt to do an upcoming cosplay shoot. It took my dad dying for me to learn that not everybody gets a tomb or a grave. 👍
I’m going through some heavy shit right now (alone and during a pandemic) so if you’re out there punishing me… 👎👎
It’s not even called a cemetery, it’s called a mount (a hill). I walked up that mount yesterday looking at tombs that have been destroyed with time and hurricanes, some abandoned and others well kept.
I don’t know why I assumed that everyone got a tomb when they died, but they don’t. Ash become many in the wind.
I still have a lot to learn about death. Realizing my dad wasn’t going to get a tomb after how he died was a big fucking light bulb.
My dad had been dead for days before he was found and you don’t know what that sort of information does to a human being.
And then reading how Edgar Allan Poe’s families just tossed him in an unmarked grave in a fucking box ho ho ho.
So life sucks. Dying sucks. And death sucks too.
When I was a kid me and my grandmother would travel around and visit different cemeteries and look at the tombs, seeing entire famalies buried on the same day, and imaging how they must have died. Sometimes she would catch me in the hole of where someone had been buried but was moved due to racism and segregation which still occurs in Mississippi. She thought it weird but I liked the smell. I still like to wander cemeteries though, reading the tombs and visiting the dead.
But it seems being buried is for the rich. And eventually Earth isn’t even going to exist. It does my mind in.
You’re a slave, Neo.
I don’t have anybody to love me while I’m alive so why can I assume that there will be anybody to love me when I’m dead…
I don’t know if I can endure another X amount of years of existence being invisible or soley alive to pay bills and be nothing more than a toy or sex object.
Have you ever felt the cold night move over you like fog Like lace covered in unholy smog You’re not the boy at all I thought You’re not the hope that I had sought
The Great Expansion The Great Divide The Great Unearthing All I despise
From written word to analog Or being threatened to back off Then having no dialogue I guess I’ve been miscataloged
I once held him like constellations I ate his ripened fruit full of temptations Like when you are feeling loved in all the locations He was my biggest wonder in all of the nation’s
I was a most avid reader Growing like cedar Never needed a breather Now I am neither
How will you remember me when I’m 13 billion light-years from you? Look at all the darkness I’m peering through. Now the light is fleeing too. The great expanse of all you do.
The pandemic is getting worse. So too my depression, hopelessness, anxiety, isolation, paranoia. Got the psyche on redial. Just gonna keep writing. Dying. Feel every fucking second like a cross.
None of you were worth it You made me worthless Able to love less Daily a failed test Deserving a holed chest A bullet not a vest Time to give it a rest Suicide at its best
My best friend had the right idea putting a 357 Magnum gun to her head and blasting a bullet through her brain ending her precious litte life before age 14.
I don’t know why I stuck around this long lying to myself pretending things would get better. They have not.
My best friend’s mom later hung herself on a fucking rope at like age 46 and I’m not far from it.
Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t live without love either and died on the fucking street naked, unknown, poor, fucking broke, and heartbroke. I dare say he was depressed too and I’m officially diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed. People haven’t got much better. BEASTS in CARDIGAN. Some without a backbone or spine. That’s why they can easily replace you on a dime they’re empty and soulless.
Suicidal and out of fucks to give.
Too much gaslighting and narcissism in the world. No love or nurturing coming in.
The sheeple over run.
I WANT OUT. LET ME OUT
*free yer mind* *okie dokie* *if you die in the Matrix you die in the real world* *jumps from bridge*
Gone But left my heart to disassemble on its own I left it rotting on your throne Caring too much for desensitized bone Lust your tomb or home I’d rather be alone Direction unknown
Staring up from down below Heaven fell further than I know The wind gets cold Like regret growing old With a heart of stone Set in gold Or hearing whispers “I told you so” Where are angel’s not to go? God told me to love him whole The sinner yes so I tread his road Ready to take on intruders, I’m bold He says friend, I say foe There’s complications in the fold Missings cards like hands, I need him though Dropping SOS’s where his feet have strolled Sights to behold Or heartaches sold
To be honest, I just wanted to keep going with this rhyme flow. I gotta stop putting on the breaks. I’m feeling pages, can you roll?
Moonstone if you’ve ever wondered. I wrote an essay in college once on the healing properties and energetic properties of stone and blew my professor away. I’m going to get back into to meditation sessions soon. Just trying to find my self-esteem and what’s left of my pride after my last nuclear meltdown. I’m radioactive. And collapsing in on myself.
This goes without saying but, I get insanely jealous of the attention he gives other girls. Like black jealousy. And my doctors at the VA don’t understand this kind of love or obsession. They don’t even understand why I’m scared of asteroid Apophis. Whatever. You can’t cure these things. Love is the only acceptable remedy. He just needs to kiss me. Shimples.
I’m on the Patreon, if you dig my writing and photography or digiart, there’s loads of EXCLUSIVE CONTENT up! You get cool perks for pledging and I get to keep writing and running my blog advert free! I really like writing! I’ve been practicing my art since I was a little girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it professionally!
Awoke before sunrise, far below the clouds Lost hope before his eyes, fell below the crowds I stopped to smell his lies, now I’m seeking shrouds Though somnolent were his cries, now his pain enshrouds
I wish I could get some sleep. I guess I will when I die.
I’m on the Patreon, if you dig my writing and photography or digiart, there’s loads of EXCLUSIVE CONTENT up! You get cool perks for pledging and I get to keep writing and running my blog advert free! I really like writing! I’ve been practicing my art since I was a little girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it professionally!
For the love of God there were more than two parties deserving of a chance to speak at the presidential elections but also to have gotten your votes instead.
Voting left or right, red or blue brings about absolutely zero change and the two-party outdated system needs to be abolished.
Jo Jorgensen was a better candidate than the two assholes y’all put in charge but congratulations!!!! You bought the FEAR the 1% sold you!!!
GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!
That last statement is so powerful but it will go over most civilians head… Fully awake and experiencing life. You should drop stop drowning yourself at the end of a bottle and making wrong fucking votes. Then you might not have a fucking face full of grey hairs already. FYI. Alcohol is a depressant. They also have like therapy for sex addiction and alcohol and all kinds of stuff if you have the willingness to get better which you don’t cuz cumming. You don’t know how to harness your sexual energy or to vote.
The only thing that mattered were how we were to one another Many children go without a father or a mother They only know abuse from the hand of every lover It’s simply poor excuse you failed to be a brother
If you appreciate this blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon so I can pay my bills and eat: www.patreon.com/poeeternal
If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here.
If you appreciated this post, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon. If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here. Thank you.
You tied the noose then left me hanging You pledged for days then changed your aiming You point your finger loudly blaming You have no proof for what you’re claiming
Your youth is gone, you’re well past ageing Your actions don’t match words you’re painting And every step you’re proudly feigning I don’t believe a word you’re saying
To be honest, I think rhyming gets me off. I get euphoric after I’ve pieced together a decent story. Sure, writing is hard. Rhyming is harder. But you wouldn’t see it that way if you saw me in a dizzy spell writing, sometimes pieces come together so quickly. Or the fact that I live and breathe rhyme 24/7. I think I might have an addiction, albeit, is it a healthy one? I literally write anywhere, and while doing everything. Sometimes I force myself to stop writing and other times I think I’ll never be able to write anything ever again. But alas, I’m still rhyming *sigh* and have been since the age of 12. I fell in love with poetry in the 3rd grade though, when I read an Emily Dickinson poem (I talk a bit about that in my thank you video on my Patreon for my patrons who join, so the video is still there if you are my patron and overlooked watching it. It’s been there since the beginning of my campaign). Anyhoo, sometimes I think I don’t have a drop of rhyme left in me. And then it is flowing out. In heaps. Like lava. And often with tears. My rhyme contains my soul. I lived in a very abusive environment as a child and writing became my escape. Writing was my coping mechanism. And still is of today.
My attempt at “But is it art” below… (but is it art was a saying me and my best friend used to say all the time when we’d fuck shit up. Like once, we redid a chair by putting our handprints in paint all over it graffiti style and writing “but is it art!?!). She died by suicide and I’ve never been the same. But all my attempts at art end with, BUT IS IT ART!?!
I nearly didn’t share this for a number of reasons. But here’s the thing, I don’t want fake boobs. I like feeling things. Might account a tad bit for my poetry. But for real, I’ve had many guys complain that my boobs weren’t fake. Had a guy break up with me in my 20s over it. And I have been peer pressured by society and men to get plastic surgery that I don’t want. I also breast fed an entire year, I have natural curves. And I don’t want to replace my sex organ with plastic for many reasons. I could have made my nipples harder I suppose, so hence ‘soft nudity’. I wasn’t trying to be vulgar or even sexual. Just existing in a hot bath and trying to capture my soft curves. Attempting to be artsy. Instead, I worry now my boobs aren’t sitting in their best, upright position. They don’t meet societies standards of perfection. I’m tired of feeling things though so maybe I should start getting plastic surgery and fake nails and fake hair and fake lips and fake eyelashes and fake tans… throw a fake personality in there too. ((Also if you’re one of the guys who’s ever put my body down… fuck you))! For real tho… desensitized nation 101. I’m not a model. I’m not a porn barbie. I’m a warrior poet, dig? Just trying to find myself and keep 100% authentic & real. I feel like I’m heading towards a dire ending like Edgar Allan Poe though. Cursed. It’s in our blood… I hope someone enjoys my little attempt at art in isolation. If you don’t like my body or my art, join the long line of boys who also don’t. I can’t be bothered with shallow waters any longer. Evolving into a better me slowly as my body is dying. Keeping my mind in a nurturing environment. SELF-LOVE.
The same vid as above but with different effects. But is it art? I never knew how hard wet hair can be to manage when it’s this long and wet and also heavy… (no filter). I really wish I could upgrade and get some decent camera equipment and lighting. Someone join my Patreon or make a donation please lol I need new editing software too!!! It’s my birthday this month!!! 😍That’s all for now. Can’t do much in quarantine. Trying not to catch the plague. Trying not to die by depression. Missing gig life to the full. No birthday gig this year!!! 😭😭😭
If you dig my blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly donation on Patreon. If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here. Thank you.
PoeEternal 