5 million years

I need 5 million years to recover from the desolate desert you erupted from
With a rapid loss of hope occurring

Who will write earth’s obituary
The way you’ve written my hand
And turned all to stone?

Do you honor the dead
The way you immortalize impermanence?
Disappearing without affliction
Leaving dust on the door

I found you
Right where I had left you
Disorderly categorized

I am holy proud
The sun lifted you from shade
Made your skin burn
Left a scar or two

You are a placemat for the sun to rise
And if your words were the reason it rose
Alighting will and aligning truth
You are the golden valley where my love will grow

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93 responses to “5 million years”

  1. Me too! I am trying the same thing, I was in a very dark place for awhile. I had this weird realization about it all last night. I am trying to look at the light and cast my eyes from the dark, which they sometimes get fixed on. I think it is helping me. I am here most of the time, right now I am going to a meeting, I am in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. I will be back on later though.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am trying to recover from CUD – it’s honestly a nightmare and a financial wasteland. It made me more depressed/suicidal and I’m not even day 1 yet. And now the VA are censoring what we discuss in group therapy LAUGHS

    I’m trying to get to a soft place because I’ve beat myself up too long (intentionally or not).

    Everything is associative, especially in this town. But it’s not as easy to jump around these days.

    I want my blog to be a safe place again, for all involved.

    I’m in lots of therapy which continues “outside the session” – it’s 24/7 dealing with triggers.

    My therapist says I’m polarized. Guess I’m just done with the BS.

    But, literally am at ground zero (addiction wise) and I need a day 30 – let alone a day one.

    I’m not renewing my state card upcoming (a strategic tactic to battle my addiction).

    I yelled at the clinic yesterday, “you’re stealing my money” but that was after asking if any product is grown “in ground” in which they replied “the state won’t allow” which means it’s cloned junk and they gave me an addiction with malicious intent and purpose.

    I got angry at the amount of waste too, trying to buy “medicine”, I yelled, “it doesn’t have God source, no wonder we’re all crazy”

    “More of us will be mad” I cried exiting the door with my one vape pen.

    It still hasn’t worked. I get to be moody.

    I’m actually grateful to discover your blog, it’s helping me with some thangs.

    Sometimes I’m quiet (because I’m afraid people don’t want me around or liking/commenting on their stuff. I have a different outlook).

    Thank you for being here, and the follow!!! Big heart!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I identify with everything you just said. I come from a simular place, just different story, I was a street junkie, and was homeless or living in squat houses with friends who were using drinking for the past 10 or so years. I am always back and forth because of PTSD from all that I saw out there between day 1 and day 100, which is where I am at now. I will tell you, it gets way easier. I say this after coming out of a meeting. Recovery is really saving my life. I am always here if you need a friendly ear. I just had a pretty intense day myself, I am missing parts of my hands because addiction. I hallucinate about my hands a lot and had this continuing guilt based hallucination during a meeting, where my hands are infected with MRSA, which caused the loss of my finger tips.

    That being said, my friends at this group saved my life recently by sharing the power guilt has to power hallucination. Keep going it gets easier. I am at a place where I see light now at the end of a dark tunnel. My life is begining to be joyous. Yours can too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The lack of sympathy for addicts present in society today baffles me. I just don’t get it. I feel like most people must know someone who is struggling with an addiction of some kind even if it is not chemical. I don’t get it, but I think it might be easier for other people to blame us, then to deal with their confronting their own issues, anger at person suffering from the disease of addiction. I read something interesting about this, that I am not sure you know, it is medically classified as a disease because we experience, addicts, a deviant chemical response to alcohol/drugs. I have heard the example used, that for alcoholic/addict the response to their substance is usually that it makes them able to get up and go when it would take anyone else out of the game for the day.

    I thought that was interesting because it makes me blame myself a little less.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am glad to hear there is some light and hope for you. It seems I jump from one dark puddle to another, maybe sometimes out of boredom, or as a learned behavior. It’s all I know. Survival mode.

    Now I want to “play dead” – a legit survival technique I remind myself, used both in nature and the military.

    There is nothing to help me sleep, and this “medicine” made my insomnia and anxiety worse. My suicidal ideation went into hyper overdrive.

    Then I started to research “why the weed don’t work” and “why am I so homicidal/suicidal”.

    I also got my library card. I’m diving into “self help” mode.

    Basically crawling from the rubble.

    And I’m tired of being angry at EVERYONE.

    And congrats on 30 days. I can’t even get to day 1 (though I have tried nearly everything from locking myself up on a full moon).

    I may start eating gummy melatonin as a placebo.

    I’d really like to try a white noise machine and allow my brain to “reset”.

    I hate putting in the work and then falling off the saddle and wasting tons of money and none the better, all with nothing to show for it.

    Maybe you can tap into your hallucinations, like dreamwork. I’m limited on mobility but I read of (and heard by others) they can still feel missing parts.

    I’m mourning the first half of my life now wasted. I don’t know if that counts and my time for having children is running out.

    It’s like my purpose is entirely gone.

    I know my purpose is not giving my money to that building with the green cross on it.


  6. Oh, and I did not mean to lump you in with the likes of me, just speaking from my own place, I think all medicine is lumped together these days, which is terrible.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I struggle a lot with anger too. Oh, and I think I must have misspoke I am at day 100, and am just back and forth in time because of my mental illness. I am at a point where I recognize this though, my time distilation. I was speaking from day 30 but am at 100 something days. I am getting better and have friends now, and have a family that loves me again, and most days I see and feel hopeful!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. They either experience shame and guilt, or are stealing our money cuz they have their own addiction and agendas (I’m biased and polarized).

    It’s a society of sickness. Us being sick and addicted is money in their pocket.

    I will cling to whatever ideology I gotta currently to break this addiction – which is destroying the fabric of my heart and brain.

    I didn’t know I voted yes on stuff that wasn’t grown in the ground.

    I was gaslit.

    Cloned plants have no medicinal property – and maybe one day I can be a better voice.

    I don’t think there will be a coin for me at day 1 or 30 (or ever).

    I wanna take up quad skating again – (I haven’t skated since I was 15 but picked up some skates for Christmas).

    I may go to the grocery store and get ice-cream cones and goodies.

    I need some sort of “escape” that isn’t to the medicinal building.

    Or, other bad habit.

    I wanna learn to just be. Exist. My body will find natural highs again.

    I pray.

    (Thank you for your wisdom in addition and recovery).


  9. They say it takes 4 months minimum to get weed out of your brain, it gets in the lipids, all sorts of things. It’s a stronghold and I gotta break free.

    Medicine has gotten out of hand. I literally see nurses popping Xanax at work or workers smoking while working the register at the medicinal shop – and then have the audacity to count their tip jar before I come up.

    Like bro really. I may be cheap but I ain’t stealing from the tip jar cheap.

    Whatever tools I need to quit this junk.

    “Why do my eyes hurt” like waking up sucks but I don’t think God wants me disassociating anymore.


  10. I have heard that after a certain amount of time the brain resets. I am feeling similar things about purpose, but my thing is I spent most of my life as a bad person, I was petty thief and street junkie, so I grapple a lot with the recognition of a life wasted as well. I wrote about having a daughter a long time ago, this was all a fanatasy life I had created for myself, I have no children. I am picking up the peices of my life now, and going to make something of what time I have been gifted. I think that is what is the most different for me on day 100 something, that I realize that regret and resentment need to be a thing of the past. The ability to forgive myself is the thing that has changed most, from this place I feel like I can begin to move past things and walk a different path. Literally, the only thing that has made this easier is time, and just sticking with it, looking for anything to fill time, so it goes by, and trust me, if I feel better you will too.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I didn’t mean to get your numbers wrong! I can’t keep up with my age half days! 100 is well done! Having a supportive network and family is best! Happy for you!


  12. Apparently there are a lot of women who can’t have children and are depressed – but men can have children until 80 or so.

    It’s a very different path for us when they wake up vs when we wake up.

    The weed – it used to help with the loneliness and insomnia. Now it enhances it. Like a bridge I wanna jump from (I’m okay).


  13. There can be, I think they give a 24 hour, day 30, day 90 and then a 1 year. I have just been hanging out outside a lot. I have gotten into any hobby I can get my hands on, and literally just go to any meeting, or place I can when I am not writing about my ex’s or ranting about birds watching me online. 😀 I am learning to laugh at my chaos, I actually am begining to like my strange self, I am the only me there is, that will come with time for you as well. I have seen it in others.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have heard that about weed too, I have friends who went through it. I have heard that getting into other natural things, like aroma therapy, meditation, art, writing works. You are seeing my attempts at that on here. I was addicted to meth, heroin, oxy, cocaine, fentanyl, and alcohol all simulataneously. If I can do it, you definately can!!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I had the cops called on me for “hanging out” outside and “bird watching” and talking to squirrel on Sunday.

    So my plan is to make the neighbors do that more.

    Hilarious and ridiculous.


  16. You are much better at organizing thoughts and creating art and words. I have a brain injury and am very elementary and can’t really evolve much (it seems).

    I feel like I was left behind.


  17. I have come to a place now myself where I realize that it is better for me, just me personally, to accept the will of the universe, whatever it tells me, and go with the flow. That is why I am choosing to stay away from everything even CBD. I abuse everything. I can make even being healthy unhealthy. I have been anorexic, bullimic, addicted to running, addicted to organization. I am trying to learn balance, but it is hard. Nature is a good thing for time filling, as lame as that sounds. That is my main strategy right now, filling my time with anything so time passes without me using/drinking.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I think you respond very well, and you are very easy for me to talk to, if you can’t tell… I talk to myself on here, because I don’t find it easy to talk to people, but you are very easy to talk to.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Thank you, I appreciate that.

    I also find it hard to communicate with others but I want to be a better communicator and blogger.

    I also want my blog to be a safe haven. I can’t say I have always been but I’ve been putting in the hard therapeutic work.

    Now I’m in the messy middle. The old version of me vs the new version.

    I don’t think others want me to make amends.


  20. Suicidal and homicidal tendencies – check the recent news (if you haven’t) on the amount of homicide/suicide occurring.

    Something’s in the weed. They took out the thing that made it work. Maybe the ground.

    I’ve been trying to ground more, feet on earth, sleep on floor.

    It’s not like I’m sleeping these days anyway.

    I’d like to stare at the stars more, instead of the ceiling.

    “Get up, Trinity. Get up”


  21. It’s hard to get just CBD at the medical shop. It’s all THC.

    I’m quitting though, whether my body is ready or not.

    Every atom of me wants to quit!!!! I’m trying!!!!

    I doubt I can get the VA to prescribe me a tranquilizer but I feel I need it, at least a 2 week or 30 day supply.



  22. I am in the same process, the beginning of my blog was me pretending to be a violent person and complaining about my ex, or pretending to be my ex, when really it was all me.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I did not know that! Thank you, you just really helped me. I was just recently talking to a friend in recovery about the whole thing, and they said the same thing that it stopped working for them. Thank you for the info, now I know why.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Your name is Trinity? I have thia spiritual belief about names, and have always felt that I didn’t understand those with kind spirits. I think you just proved to me that things are changing for me as well. You are a kind person, and I like you, which means I am not so bad after all…

    Liked by 1 person

  25. I looked into it! Actual government articles and opinion pieces from psychiatrists and such! As well as long reads by prior users.

    The number is pretty high – even in controlled studies – for those who got an addiction once they got a card.

    Then, yesterday, in shop, asked directly where I can get some from the ground, they replied “the state won’t let us” – basically pushing cloned products on us – moldy and infested products – unregulated.

    So, I researched even more. But I hate running into the “sign up to read” or “1 of 2 articles remaining” or “pay but get lots of ads anyway” so haven’t been sharing links as of yet. The algorithm sucks and needs to be banned.

    I’m just trying to quit and never had an issue quitting weed before.

    I also noticed that I had to spend more money than what I would on the street (that’s all hydroponics cloned too) (they’re only able to clone the mother once) it’s not generational herb anymore.

    I noticed how a full joint barely got me high. But we once shared joints and would maintain a high for hours, coming down slowly, essentially able to function and work (or sleep).

    No one was “coming together” to get high anymore. Everyone is killing everyone.

    I already struggle with ideation but weed never made me worse (it made me happy and productive mostly). I never spent loads of money on herb either. Street weed would last me two weeks.

    Now I’m doing things legally but it made everything worse. I was like “why”.

    I literally am struggling to quit. But I got on the tight ropes!

    I may check out some books on addiction soon! Go for a walk at the park!

    Literally anything but step into a “medicinal shop”.

    They advertise “huge selection of CBD” but they have like 2 really expensive products and not even vape pens or just eddies with cbd only.

    And the product they want and always updating the equipment forcing us to upgrade our hardware.

    I was like, I literally spent X amount of $$ and had them 8 months.

    It’s a fooking SCAM


  26. Trinity from “The Matrix”, I just kinda identify as her or that character currently (as well as things Neo was going through). I don’t really watch propaganda anymore, in fact, I sold my TV a few months ago after I hadn’t turned it on it 6 months.

    We’re not allowed to let things grow old in this timeline.

    I’m tired of submitting because, according to studies “over 51% want love with a prostitute”.

    So I’m down in the rabbit hole, of despair (and addiction).

    I just wanted some weed to help me sleep and leave the house.

    I’m paranoid – nearly outta my mind – but they ain’t getting my money

    (They probably will but the state will want me to $$$$ renew soon – every 7 months like clockwork)

    But sex toys are being sold openly in the mall – in front of children

    But I gotta spend loads of cash for medicine that made me worse (and many others – even those in controlled studies).

    I’ll go get some melatonin gummies soon – or a damn milkshake somewhere.

    I have cut back tremendously tho and do give myself credit for the lead way I have made.

    My real name is Delia. The Matrix was a film that kinda woke me when it arrived – but I was always a conspiracy theorist.

    Now we’re living the things I’ve been warning about.


  27. I go back and forth because I am bipolar, so you will see me on here crying over stubbing my own toe all the time. Haha. It is a very back and forth thing with me, but I kind of like that. It keeps me humble now, which if you look back a little while ago, like literally a couple days or day ago, I was an arrogant *** and then I got scared by a ghost in my basement, which wasn’t real, but it made me think of what energy I was putting out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I used to write about misery a lot, that is what the name of the site is about. I read recently that the words misery and mercy have simular roots, so I am trying to have mercy on myself, and then find in that the guidance of others and figure out how to find or see joy. I also wrote about having a fake child with that name. I am crazy. :-p

    Liked by 1 person

  29. It gets easier, my original site was quiet different, it was me fighting with my split personality who is really just my inner child Amanda. I am transgender. I am also schizophrenic, not related to being transgender. I hear voices, which I think now might be me hearing nature communicating with me through voices because I am hung up on human speech.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Nature understands us. I have been bonding more with it (including the sun). Squirrel came and sniffed my toe today. I’m ready to let things crawl on me again nearly. But then I tried to identify several poisonous plant species and am too dumb. But maybe once I quit this crap my IQ will improve again.


  31. I want/need some stability and quiet but living in the city with monsters is constant nightmares and cops (the irony is the ones calling are the ones doing the crimes).

    I’ve gone crazy


  32. It does. I can tell you from personal experience. I have been writing about resentment all my life, or misery as I call it on my site, once I turned my head towards mercy, literally last night because of basement poltergeist, I saw that I was doing this to myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I think you are just in the very beginning of acceptance, I sounded the same way, actually worse at the stage you are in right now. I was literally talking to a child I didn’t have on the internet and in relationship that was fake with a girl who I broke up with long ago, a year ago, this April, she is Rei/Justin. She never identified this way it was my defense mechanism of her violation of my identity she was involved in using me to get things she wanted.


  34. We all find ways to survive.

    When looking back on some scenarios, I just have to give myself a break, because the shame is too heavy, and I did what I had to do at the time, to survive.

    Now I’m begging/praying/pleading/bargaining with God to get whatever time I have left right.

    But they stole my purpose, I didn’t get to use my gifts


  35. Sometimes, the universe hands you situations like this so it can provide a process of hard transformation, where gifts you had are transformed into something way better than you could have imagined. I am a political science major, public policy masters degree student. I have a MPA and had to walk away from my field because I had a hard time working for people I could not support without drinking or using, out of guilt about supporting things I could not align my ideals with. I ended up drinking or using about the lack of purpose, but now that I have changed my focus, I am using my skills in a different way, and will eventually do something like this with them, instead of working for things I can’t get behind.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. I have literally thrown things at most of the mirrors I have had. I am now okay enough with myself, that I can look in the mirror again, with increasing honesty and talking like we are doing now, you will get more and more okay with yourself. It just takes time, and is very back and forth, it is a process that continues throughout life. This is not supposed to sound daunting or discouraging, it is actually the opposite. You are the kind of person that is able to be getting better your whole life, most people stagnate. You are not one of those people. I can tell because you sound like my friends. That is a strength!

    Liked by 1 person

  37. I hope I can find work again – in a different field – with my current disabilities. Something other than dying and misery.


  38. People see things in me I never see. I put a hole in the wall, my first, recently. And now I get to learn about patchwork.


  39. That could be a good thing, patchwork is a good skill to have! I have done the exact same thing actually and had to do the exact same thing. I once woke up after a drunk in public ticket naked in a cell because I flooded it too.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Or light grey. I am not sure which, you helped me see color again, in my world of sad black and white, colored with the power of your eye, for those who only see in shades of gray.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. These talks are better than therapy and at least I don’t feel censored. Thank you.

    But also, your poetry is like a little headlamp in a dark cave.


  42. In the app in reader, in the upper right hand corner, if you click the three dots, you can click follow. I just figured it out myself.


  43. That means a lot that you say that, I am in recovery groups that say your supposed to share your story, strength, and hope, and my friends are all made there. They have been telling me that if I share my positive things as well people will like me more. All night I have been thinking about how it is hard for me to make friends in real life because I am having a hard time with that right now, so you are helping me too, by the way. I am convinced sometimes that no one likes me, so I make scary posts. I stopped being as negative because I am talking to you, thank you. You are helping me learn to not hate me, because you like talking to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. I worry about the same thing. There is a spiritual path called naturalism that I am looking into right now myself, it kind of has to do with that. My friend at the meetings I go to told me that nature is her higher power.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. I am trying to learn to be less angry at everyone. It has been so hard “waking up” to a nightmare (not you – this life).

    I am glad it helps, I think this is the basic foundation of humanity, helping one another, even if just to communicate.

    I literally got lost.

    Come children, here’s the cliff.

    So yeah, these days I’m trying to get less people to jump.

    “Let’s not go that way. Danger.”

    So when you don’t know what to say, in public, talk about the weather.

    Or if you stumble, “well I still haven’t learned to walk”

    Back to the basics


  46. I saw a kid wearing “black and proud” and it wasn’t 7 am and I was triggered cuz I couldn’t wear shit like that to school

    And apparently white people are the only ones not allowed to breed with their own, how racist


  47. I talk to God source – especially bathed in the sun or water

    But now the parasites in the water got me all paranoid


  48. I am prone to paranoia too, I regularly convince myself of things all the time. I am finding time is the key to my thoughts calming down. Not even that much time. I just try to do something else until a thought dissappears or rant on here, which I do often. :-p

    Liked by 1 person

  49. My brother talks to me about the same thing, we are from Spain and Spain is known for being very vocal about Spain, so every time I tell people from that, I worry they will take it as me saying.. Hey I am Damien, the ***


  50. Writing is therapeutic and mindfulness practice too

    But I live in the city where the noise ordinance was lifted with malicious intent and purpose and the people opposite color of me are always yelling racist and calling the cops on me for standing in the sunshine


  51. I’m only able to see the site (outside of the reader) and there is no follow or like buttons – just read mode FYI (or I’m entirely stupid without weed)


  52. Or exactly how I think too. It’s cool.I do that sort of thing too. I didn’t understand how to use the app version of this site for the longest time, and I still don’t really understand what a hash tag is.


  53. I thought I had a moment of lapse of time last night, actually just had a nightmare, and awoke to slammed door. What is going on? If you don’t mind me asking?


  54. I’m trying to quit medical marijuana because the state gave me an addiction with malicious intent and purpose and continue to allow these shops to run unregulated putting out cloned products that aren’t allowed to be grown “in ground” which are highly harmful and moldy (and addictive) and they continue to change out the hardware and raise the prices! Surprise! I spend more $$$$$ using that building with the “cross” than I did on the street!

    Not to mention, I could quit before I ever got my medical card.

    So I keep entering a building I don’t want, spending money I don’t want, on products that make my ptsd/anxiety/depression/insomnia worse.

    I thought I was voting for stuff grown in the ground – God source.

    Not manmade cloned junk.

    And apparently it takes an act of God to quit

    (Please Lord help)


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