My Dawn Is Gone (A real story)

It was a 357 Magnum that took her life
She wrote me a note then died that night
She said she loved me the last time we spoke
And then she never again awoke

Meika Dawn Capps was her name
I never did again feel the same
I’d spend all day with her at the cemetery
When she died I was also buried

April 7th, 1993
An asteroid called suicide got the best of me
The gun even had a scope
Years later her mother died at the end of a rope

Two funerals and a broken girl
I am definitely the saddest in the world
News it broke that Wednesday ‘mourning’
And I have never stopped hurting

© Delia Ross. 2019

She taught me everything, from how to shave to how to insert a tampon. Bestie foreverrrr. She died by suicide and years later her mother too. Meika’s first boyfriend also died by suicide two months before she died and he’s buried right near her. “Suicides always happen in 3” – something I learned in college which stuck with me.

I love you. Your death was apocalyptic to my soul. A day does not pass without you on my mind. You were my muse then, and my muse now. I miss getting into trouble with you. Skipping down the halls of school singing Pink Floyd. Writing songs together. Jumping off the balcony onto the trampoline. Moon bathing at night. Laughing together. Crying together. Meeting bands together. Late night cheese stick eatings. Watching headbangers ball. Staying on the phone with each other until we fell asleep and then waking up with the phone still connected and saying ‘see you at school’. I’m not the same without you. I miss your makeup tutorials. Your blue eyes. You speaking like Elmo. You never judging me. Wearing each others clothes and shoes. You hating that I was a few months older than you, and then briefly each year us being the same age- and how happy that made you- until my birthday came. Sharing our dreams and aspirations. Playing guitar together even though we didn’t know any chords yet. Those plans of starting a band. That moment you wanted to be a bass player and how excited we were to start a band. You calling me “creampuff” and I you “juicyfruit”. You were my best friend and soul mate. I was too young to understand depression so your suicide was both sudden and shocking. It changed my entire existence. It left a deep impact in my soul. I still cry out for you. I still need you. I still love you. Your last words to me were “I love you”. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. And I wish I had known you were thinking of ending your life. But how could I have known when I suffered from the same illness. I should have stayed in better contact with your mommy because years later she took her life too. And when I saw bits of your coffin peeking out from the dirt, as your mom was being laid to rest next to you, memories of that day you left me rushed back into my mind. There’s no way of knowing if you exist in some other realm than me. But I hope when I cross that plain you will be there waiting. There’s so much I need to tell you. You taught me a very hard lesson in life. I cherish our memories, the good and bad. I NEVER want to forget you. I miss you. Always. Forever. Eternally Yours. xx (RIP Meika Dawn Capps May 1, 1979 – April 7, 1993))

Meika With Billy Ray Cyrus (I was there too)
Meika with Peter from Trixter (I was there too)
Billy Ray Cirus and self, age 13, 1993 (this was the year I thought it a good idea to cut my hair short and have a feather bang and wear shoulder pads)
Sister, Billy Ray Cirus, self 1993
That’s my dad’s tour bus on the left and that was Billy Ray Cyrus’s tour bus on the right… I’ve had an interesting life. Lots of unshared stories. There aren’t many pictures that exist from the 90s.
I miss you so much baby girl… Not a day goes by, not a day goes by, without you in my mind. I need you so much. I once asked “why did you leave me” but now I know depression took you. I’m sorry I lost the last letter you wrote me, I regret it everyday. All these years later, you were still the only thing I ever had.

13, the age I died. I just want to share my real story. Part of my journey. I wish I had one photo of us together, and so that’s why I’m obsessed with photographing everything now. The 90s. The best and worst decade ever with little photographic evidence.

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