Feeling like I cannot take a breath Or if I do, maybe it will spell death All these tree lines, they have marked my wrath Telling the truth, that’s my only path
Doc says my EKG doesn’t look good. And I’ve been having heart issues lately. She says one chamber looks enlarged and one looks closed off. Just an FYI because not all disabilities are visible. Depression isn’t my only ailment. I hope you’ll excuse how shitty I look, I’m on bed rest and between doctor visits. Wanna get back to working out and cosplay soon – But I just received this news this morning about my EKG results and I’m still trying to process the news. I just returned from seeing my doctor and I’m pending being scheduled for an ultrasound. She started me on aspirin as well. She said I’m too young for this and she doesn’t like how my EKG looks.
I have a constant pain there too – knowing that it could potentially be because it’s a chamber torn is freaking me out. So I’m trying not to get into my head and into my anxiety.
So to sum things up, two of the chambers of my heart are questionable and of concern for my doctor.
I have been having chest pains and I can feel pressure in my heart. Sometimes I can feel blockages or like maybe I have blood clots.
I don’t have the heart to tell you that I’m dying
Regret?
Yeah.
Only one thing I really want before I die.
His kiss.
And a box for my bones.
I had the bullets in the chamber though didn’t I
Moderna was Russian roulette but the CDC hadn’t released the information regarding blood clots and I know it’s happening in Moderna too, I mean I’m fucking proof….
I was complaining of heart issues and potential blood clots with my doctor and she prescribed me aspirin but I’m convinced now Moderna is to blame.
There’s always going to be casualties of war.
I told you I was out here in the trenches didn’t I.
Didn’t I?
So now I’m telling you don’t get the fucking shot if you already have heart issues and are experiencing blood clot issues unless you want to play Russian roulette with the vaccine and blow your fucking heart out like I’ve done
I didn’t know the vaccine was causing blood clot issues prior to me getting dose one and and all assured I was good to go for dose two even though my blood pressure fucking dropped.
Woo hoo hold on BB!!! The end is near!
Check make for the New World Order because they won’t have to pay me any more if I fucking die
I won’t be a fucking crutch on the system anymore will I
More money in their fucking pockets to play on the fucking yachts
Casualties of war!!!!
The unknown soldier!
They got me!
Knocked out whaaaa 40 + years of my life? With a fucking vaccine I knew was too fucking new and risky to do.
I FUCKING KNEW
*tries not to go fucking crazy and destroy everything in my home that I’ve worked for
*tries not to jump off a fucking bridge
Moderna is to blame and my shitty eating habits during this fucking quarantine
Modern medicine don’t mean shit if you’ve lost your will to live
Or can’t even get into the fucking VA for a fucking ultrasound when you got two chambers in your heart fucked up
Moderna IS to blame
Oh and now we can gather in small crowds with people vaccinated and unvaccinated like fucking Russian roulette.
👀
I just threw away 40 years of my fucking life over a vaccine
Y’all know how I almost got arrested at the VA because I was letting other people know that they could still get sick even vaccinated because I didn’t want them to get sick even though they’re getting vaccinated?
Well, I’ve lost followers over that as well but you can go to the CDC website and get this information for yourself.
They’re not gonna be as direct in saying it but it’s on the CDC website right there with all the variants and the relapses of people who are getting sick even though they are vaccinated (and these people were shocked and couldn’t believe that they actually got sick because they were vaccinated).
Me too. I was starting to have that misconception that I was going to be invincible at 94% effective against it (you know what I mean free donuts every day at Krispy Kreme just showing my vaccination card)….
It’s hip, it’s cool to be vaccinated, the cute little cartoon videos will show you people running around without their mask on – but when you’re in public you still need to have your mask on and you can actually still get sick – but they don’t say that or show that in the cute video do they…
Condoms aren’t 100% effective either and they are already talking about booster shots annually.
I will not be getting anything else shot wise in regards to COVID.
They will – at this point – have to enforce it on me.
They will have to enforce it on me and even then with five people holding me down they’re gonna have a fucking hard time getting that booster shot in me.
FYI.
I’m done with this man-made pandemic bullshit.
Delirious but not fucking delusional.
My mask will be staying on. I will be keeping six feet from you.
Move anywhere inside my bubble and you risk getting yelled at just like that cop did.
He too will obey the fucking rules or arrest me!
And 4 other cops rolled in and nearly did.
Don’t come at me.
1984 is now!
👀
Why are people so afraid to be told that they can still get sick even vaccinated?
*runs around yelling putting the fear into everybody*
*waits to be stoned/arrested/shadowbanned/crucified/burned at the stake/unfollowed/blocked*
Condoms are not 100% effective and neither is your vaccination. 👀
You can still get sick (or others).
So what does this mean?
It means Biden has a 15 year plan laid out for this pandemic and they’re now speaking of booster shots annually.
It means you still need to wear your mask, wash your hands and practice social distancing by keeping 6 feet.
Even vaccinated. 👀
Because we are now living in the New World order.
And since 1984 is now – and many are trying to silence me from reminding you of this blatant fact – I’m gonna put it on a tee.
You can still get sick vaccinated.
They are already talking of booster COVID shots for next year. 👀
(And did anybody notice how they quietly removed the Johnson and Johnson one shot vaccine temporarily because it was causing blood clots but it’s now back in circulation).
I already have heart issues, my BP dropped extremely low getting MODERNA dose 1 (so maybe a slight miracle I wasn’t offered the J&J, and the government likely wanted the MODERNA vaccines for the Soldiers, because it offers a 94% effective rate against COVID (but not the rapidly evolving strains), and let’s face it, a Soldier is a DOLLAR sign. We are only numbers. And many of us have unplugged and have come to learn this fact and they’re dying by suicide which is why the suicide rate continues to increase among veterans and active military). The government are building super soldiers and they spend a lot of money training us, that’s why they don’t want us to fucking die. They only care about stats and numbers! The J&J vaccine offers an 80% effective rate from COVID. MODERNA 94%. And I haven’t studied the other vaccines emerging. But I’m definitely glad I didn’t get the Johnson and Johnson one if it’s causing fucking blood clots and I already have heart issues!
Now I’ve just received my second shot, which I’m told is worse than the first vaccine (but you don’t need to take my word for it, it’s listed on the CDC website).
So here we go.
Dose 2 complete and now they are talking of booster shots for next year. 👀
This pandemic was manmade.
It’s clear to me.
Scientists playing God.
Narcissism ruining the world.
With just 1 move the NWO:
1. Put a lid on the “anti vacciner” by implementing a manmade pandemic encouraging (rather than enforcing) people to get vaccinated.
They do this by giving you incentive like, “fully vaccinated people can get a free donut at Krispy Kreme by showing their vaccination record”
Advertising about how cool it is to be vaccinated and to get vaccinated (even though you can still get sick and you need to wear your mask but they leave this out of the video don’t they).
Giving you the option to be vaccinated makes you feel like you have control over the situation but it’s just gaslighting, it’s just more smallpox on blankets to Indians (and I am part Native American Indian and my bloodline was almost wiped out so my fears are legit).
Eventually it will be enforced.
Through “no entry unless fully vaccinated” mandates. I imagine this will be for all public transportation, schools, hospitals, and government buildings.
2. Population control
The NWO want every animal (including you and me) tagged.
You are given a number at birth.
They call it “security” but I’m told when I’m at age to need it there won’t be any fucking funds.
“Social Security is under threat“, remember?
Was anybody actually paying attention to Obama anytime the words “New World Order” came out of his mouth? Because there’s video everywhere of him talking about it, along with all our world leaders.
It’s not every now and then they mention it, it’s all the time, during live conferences!
It’s not a conspiracy theory!
And just because something is a conspiracy doesn’t mean it’s not true!
Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not being followed!!!
You can still get sick even vaccinated!!!
Jim Morrison was acutely aware of the illuminati so was Michael Jackson so was Tupac so was John Lennon.
Knock knock
You are a slave, Neo.
I almost got arrested today because some lady didn’t wanna hear that she could still get sick even vaccinated but the other people around me did want to hear it so I almost got arrested for them to hear it.
I also yelled at the cop for getting in my face and not giving me 6 feet and respecting my personal space!
Then more cops rolled in.
1984 is now y’all.
Go ahead and fucking crucify me, you’re not going to silence me!!!
Welp, BIG BRO actually is working towards silencing many of us. Fairly certain Trump isn’t the only one who can be banned from the Internet.
And we can thank Bush with his “Signing Statements” for that because we’ve moved into a Hitler state!!!
I’m aware that this post is very political and many may not be able to keep up with the particular topics that are involved but I am a soldier, this is what I do, this is me, it’s part of who I am and will always be.
The key thing you need to take from all of this is, you can still get sick even vaccinated! Stay woke!
And that one lady was the only bad Apple that didn’t want to hear what I had to say, everybody else was thanking me because I potentially saved their life or someone else’s because they had the same mentality going forward that I did that you were going to be invincible once you were fucking vaccinated – free donuts and it’s cool getting vaccinated, you know!!
It’s hip, it’s cool man. It’s a hippie dippy cool thing to be vaccinated!
But you can still get sick! 👀
And booster shots annually.
Big Pharma got the money back they lost from the anti-vacciners and the weed smokers!
Actually, I’ve recently learned how to take a “portrait photo” (where the background is blurry) and Poe has his eye on me.
Ignore the freckles, kisses from the Sun.
They don’t feel like kisses though, they feel like radiation burns because that’s what they are, so please keep Vampy in the shade.
And anyway, you’re not supposed to take a portrait in “selfie mode” but I’m sick to fuck of following rules.
I’m that program in the Matrix doing what it’s not suppose to be doing, that’s why big bro keeps putting the fucking Berlin iron fucking wall up on me.
1984 is now and I am being driven mad out of me mind dying in the street kind of madness
I get to start using the term “homicidal” if I ever answer my therapist call again.
Because I’m so ready for the cops to knock on my door and take me away to the funny farm without my permission.
From dudes ghosting me to trying to kidnap me off the street- I just ain’t feeling right…
Know what I mean?
You ever have some guy wait for you to come out of the store and then exit their vehicle and chase you down the sidewalk and then not take two no’s for an answer?
He actually went “hmmm” and started looking around the parking lot.
This is after I’ve told a stranger no TWICE that I did not want to go for a ride with him.
He still hadn’t left.
Now he’s going “hmmm” and his eyes are scanning the front door and parking lot.
He then looks back at me and my facial expression read: is this the part you now grab me and I fight back
He said “alright” despairingly and left. Finally. But it was the longest seconds of my life. Too many seconds after the second no was issued. Too many.
I spent the next 20 minutes or an hour believing he was following me and wouldn’t drive any route home.
I have not recovered.
You ever have a guy wait for you to leave the store, exit his vehicle, run down the sidewalk, and not take no for an answer?
And then watch him scope out in contemplate if he’s going to take you or not?
In broad daylight?
I don’t like getting out. It’s too dangerous being this dainty and cute.
I need a bodyguard. Hence, I’m packing weight soon.
Know what I mean?
I got a girl you want to meet her? Her name is 9 millimeter…
Would you know that Trent Reznor was never going to get married either and now he’s on like baby number 5 with MariQueen- I mean they have not stopped to take a fucking break.
I need some passion
*dies on street*
Rest easy my love
I’m not happy in my cage of loneliness. But I’m also just fed up with cheap sex, head games, and gaslighting.
I may very well be the last living creature who embodies the true free love spirit.
Ya me
*dies*
I’ve been searching for truth / and I haven’t been getting anywhere 🎵🎶🎵
Just didn’t want my love to be some sort of anchor that sinks your ship…
Mine has a few patched holes and may sink but you’re welcome to hop on board. It’s not a ship. More like some trash floating in the ocean I found to keep from drowning.
If you want some life advice?
You don’t have to live with your choices forever. And you don’t need to make new permanent ones.
You don’t actually have to sink with your ship and it’s okay to save yourself.
People grow and people change and they grow stagnant in their relationships and complacent and that’s why the love dies. You have to work at keeping the love alive and people aren’t really capable of doing that, some people are, some people have mastered it.
Love is a garden you gotta continue to water.
Stuff doesn’t make you happy.
Love is all you need?
I would really like a chance to find out. 😏
I’ve literally never been loved. By anyone. Or anything.
But hey, I recognize you. Or sorrow.
If I’m just some fling thrill ride, you don’t gotta cut my fins when you are done do you?
Can you be the one guy on Earth who doesn’t hurt me? And on purpose? Because you’re bored? Or soulless and evil?
I’m trying to find a safe place.
If you’re hurting, I’m sorry. I hope you find resolution. And peace.
You deserve happiness. Love. Fireworks. All the things.
“What this WHITE WOMAN”… “just another WHITE WOMAN” (why does he keep screaming about my skin color)?“You spilled all that shit out as if I’m supposed to give a fuck” (wait, what? You’re the one private messaging ME to “get to know me”. I guess you couldn’t see past my mental illness or color though)… So black and brown people don’t care about white people’s mental health according to Chris. He speaks for All Colored race… Doesn’t care “What we (white peope) think, feel, or say”… You still supporting his blog? 🤔
“Self-centered pieces of shit”- you realize he’s talking about white people, right? Then I’m called a bitch.
You still supporting this racist piece of fucking shit???
WHERE THE BLOGGERS AT?? HAD THIS BEEN REVERSED, I’D BEEN CRUCIFIED!!!
HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH. RACISM EXISTS IN 2021 AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE!!!
Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).
Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.
And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).
“Suicide comes in three”.
But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.
We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.
So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.
But then there’s an actual fear of dying.
It’s complicated.
And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.
I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.
I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?
I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*
I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.
I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.
So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.
I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.
And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.
They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.
This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.
God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.
Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.
I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.
I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.
What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????
Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.
My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.
I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.
And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.
I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?
And this was directly after a sold out show.
Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.
Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.
I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.
Too much.
Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.
I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.
Too much.
It’s a pink crystal for health and healing but I can’t find a quiet zone anywhere, at any time, to meditate. Manic.
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I have a science degree in communication and can’t even fucking talk.
Furthermore, my brain is quickly failing me due to TBI, PTSD, chronic depression, acute anxiety, insomnia, paranoia, nightmares (war vet), and a billion other health problems not related to my mind. Like bone and muscle problems.
Not that you care. 👍
WOO HOO
I AIN’T DYING NAKED IN THE STREET
FYI.
I’m a broken fucking doll.
And just as soon as I come along and repair one tiny piece someone else will come along and break five more.
I’ve been physically abused, I am a survivor.
My doctor is begging me to take my fucking big pharma medication and I do good eating once a day, if at all.
I need to disassociate but everybody wants my time.
Wahhhh
Meanwhile, politics make me suicidal and on edge. My dad dying has taken me to new levels of darkness I’ve never known. I’m having to rip out my own heart, which is basically my muse, because he is I and I is he and all he does it make me bleed. So, I’ve lost my muse. I don’t even know if I have fucking air to breathe because half the time I’m hyperventilating from crying.
I live alone. During a pandemic. My pets are now getting on my nerves daily in this noisy apartment life. I want solitude and silence but apparently that too only belongs to the rich.
WordPress is getting on my nerves.
The air you breathe is getting on my nerves.
I am on edge and suicidal when I am not disassociating.
But there’s never any time to disassociate and I probably won’t even get to do that when I’m dead.
Justice would be coming back as an evil spirit and haunting your every move and breath.
Once again, I dare say Edgar Allan Poe suffered from depression. I am diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed.
Maybe I should start seeking a locket of his hair.
Since his hair is now a collector’s item.
I feel like having a Britney Spears moment and shaving off all of my hair.
Anything is possible when you are suicidal. 👍
Teddy is about the only thing that doesn’t trigger me. I found him outside one day by the trash bin. Not a speck of dirt on him. No odd smell. He came home with me. He got a second chance at life. He was simply DISPOSED and I know what that feels like. I do. Tossed out like fucking trash. It gave me a mood. But now he’s centerpiece in my studio and I’ve always wanted a large stuffed animal but no one’s ever given me one. I don’t get spoiled and I take shit home with me from the trash. Nobody sends me chocolate and nobody writes me poetry.
Like, you don’t know what struggle is until you’re finding nurturing in a trash bin.
You’d never catch me eating food from a bin though, I’d die first.
Pride. Ya know?
Teddy almost wound up in a landfill. And don’t even get me started on how much we waste resources.
Are you aware of that Stuxnet virus? I’m getting ready to buy some land and go underground. Good luck knowing my addy. Paranoid soldier? You betcha!!!
Seriously tho, I recommend you watching and learning everything about it now.
Also there are two things you need to know in the event of a nuclear attack (I.E. one of those power plants goes boom) :
1. Get out of the city and 2. Get out of the city.
Get out of the cities, get out of the cities….
If you want to watch a scary movie, watch that documentary on Stuxnet.
Enjoy me online while you can because I promise you I’ll be going underground. Unplugging.
Sometimes I wonder if I peered into Pandora’s box or if I am Pandora’s box. Uhm, my eyes bleed.
The fall from heaven is a terribly long one. Helps.
My cousin makes chocolate – she has a business she started up but it’s local to her only. But she sent me a box for Thanksgiving. It’s still hot as hell in Florida so she was worried about sending me chocolate afraid it would melt. She put a little cool pack in it and it arrived safely and I made a little video! I’m obsessed with chocolate, FYI. Hook me up with an IV please. 😜They are delish! She has a gorgeous little set-up when she does local events. This is just a little chocolate selfie. Is that a thing? 😊The names of the chocolates she made. I have a few left. Been trying to ration. May get more for XMAS now that we know they’ll arrive safely. I normally only get bills in the mail so I love receiving snail mail especially arts and food. 😍My energy levels have been so low but I’m working in my studio today recording spoken word for my Patreon. About to hit up the Starbucks though because she also sent me a gift card and that coffee will be great today. Need that extra kick! 👊
Despite being tired, I wrote this poem this morning before I even brushed my teeth. Lazy has never been in my resume. Off to Starbucks – then recording in my studio!
I hope you all are having a fantastic holiday and getting some love out there!
Thanks for checking out my work and for supporting independent artists! 😊
What are your words if hollow and brittle? What becomes of care when you show so little? Then remove the lie from the middle- Watch your honor fade and dwindle?
It’s time integrity took a stand Purity is the only thing I’ve got in hand I fell for your ruse, you’re just the better man? But I can promise, it won’t happen again…
I’ve learned that love is simply a myth And if you have a name, let’s call you Judas Deception is every kiss And betrayal, it’s written on your fist…
An ocean of longing and salt linesTears are translucentStill need you tho I waded out too far
I love u. What’s a girl to do? Been crying for the one since I was like ten. Cuz life is shite. But it’s like we’re world’s apart. 💔
I’m in the deep end and I’m caught in the tide!!! 😰Trying to learn how to live and breathe without you. Not doing a very good job 😭An ocean of sadness. The end is all inside us.
There are signs posted with moss covering Empty bottles where the devil is recovering Dirty feathers all around in piles cluttering And care is a word I hear you keep uttering
There are scabs where blood is spluttering No cover for my mouth we are discovering Though secrets are a map I’m not uncovering And love is the only thing left hovering
None of you were worth it You made me worthless Able to love less Daily a failed test Deserving a holed chest A bullet not a vest Time to give it a rest Suicide at its best
My best friend had the right idea putting a 357 Magnum gun to her head and blasting a bullet through her brain ending her precious litte life before age 14.
I don’t know why I stuck around this long lying to myself pretending things would get better. They have not.
My best friend’s mom later hung herself on a fucking rope at like age 46 and I’m not far from it.
Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t live without love either and died on the fucking street naked, unknown, poor, fucking broke, and heartbroke. I dare say he was depressed too and I’m officially diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed. People haven’t got much better. BEASTS in CARDIGAN. Some without a backbone or spine. That’s why they can easily replace you on a dime they’re empty and soulless.
Suicidal and out of fucks to give.
Too much gaslighting and narcissism in the world. No love or nurturing coming in.
The sheeple over run.
I WANT OUT. LET ME OUT
*free yer mind* *okie dokie* *if you die in the Matrix you die in the real world* *jumps from bridge*
I can’t get him to block me back no matter what I do. I don’t purposely seek out rubble, it’s just sometimes a huge chunk breaks off me like a boulder and starts rolling down and crushing anyone in his path. And as I’m tumbling down the hole of despair, he’s still there. Picking up all the little pebbles and tucking them right into his heart.
So yeah, I found another way to scream I’M DROWNING, while in a spiral downward. I clawed him all the way down, too. Landed right back by his side in pieces.
I’m staring up from down below. Wondering how many times I have to start again. As his rope begins to descend. Was that not my end?
This is why poetry exists. Edgar Allan Poe lost the love of his life and literally died in the street and I have some of his previously, unpublished words he wrote for her tattooed on my ribcage.
Edgar Allan Poe and the words he wrote his true love after she died. And then he died. In the fucking street. Naked!!! At only age 40! 😭 Older photo of my Edgar Poe tat when it was healing “My love is lying” me too Poe!! But in a different way!! “I must weep alone” same same!!! 😭
So what does all this mean?
I’m having difficulty living without him and don’t want to die in the street?
I’d like more tats. They were getting super strict about tattoos in the military. But now that I’m out, I can work on getting some visible tattoos once the Jeep is paid off (on my last 2 payments). Everything cost the moneys I don’t have. Join my Patreon! 🙏
I need better photos of my Edgar Allan Poe tattoo and I also want to get some flowers around my hip and the poem.
Me no likey pains. Me wants pleasures. Take away me pain.
Real body, real person, real scars. I don’t want to remove my sex organs for plastic. Get over it. I’ve made it to age 42 without a single gray hair. ACCOMPLISHMENT. CHECKMATE. (someone has requested for me to get on the onlyfans but if you don’t mind the fact that I have a real body, I’m going to be starting a new nude cosplay tier on my Patreon 2021 (potentially). I’m not a model. I’m just yer average gal in a petite body trying to do extraordinary things. I have done’s. (I’ve had many guys body-shame me over the years for not having fake boobs or fake tans, nails, and hair for that matter). I guess I’m supposed to be this bombshell pornstar 24/7 which is not what I am at all. They weren’t even good lovers. Let alone decent human beings. If I could do my twenties over, I would spend it making less mistakes with man. So now Ima do me for my final decade (and I’d be hella lucky to make it to 50 at the rate my body and mind is disintegrating). Thanks for seeing me and appreciating me while I’m alive. I’ve never gone pink or bleached my fine silks. Trying to keep my hair growing after I die… I don’t know how Gavin Rossdale would respond if I showed up at a Bush show with pink hair, he already adores the fuck out of me coming to his shows. I get the VIP treatment whether I do VIP or not. 😊
I currently have 3 tats, 1 on my lower back (also another excruciating part of the body due to your nerve endings), ribcage (Poe tat) and upper chest (super easy in comparison to the back and rib). My Edgar Allan Poe tattoo is my largest (and that bad boy is on my ribcage). I’m going to be getting some new tattoos in 2021!!! I mean, like if I don’t die. Which is literally quite easy to do.
I’m starting to get request for the onlyfans. But I don’t want to do any kind of porn acts. I asked them if they’d still be willing or interested if I did classy nude cosplay sometimes with Vampire elements and they said yes and be willing to spend 15 to $20 on that so. That’s good. Good that I’m starting to get requests & price estimates. I even took a screenshot for my self-esteem (of the request). So thank you, because I really want to get into the cosplay and I need some support for that. Costumes, fangs, makeups, gear, equipment. FOOD. GAS to get places. They discovered my Insta! Hope the shadowban’s been lifted!!
I’m on the Patreon, if you dig my writing and photography or digiart, there’s loads of EXCLUSIVE CONTENT up (including photography you can use for your own projects)! You get cool perks for pledging and I get to keep writing and running my blog advert free! I really like writing! I’ve been practicing my art since I was a little girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it professionally and to keep writing and making art!
The no entry signs are posted still they stray I’ve stated there’s no hope yet they pray I’ve mentioned I am starving they won’t pay I need some time alone can’t get a day
Nosferatu but call me Vampyre D (Vampy D). And I prefer solitude.
Thanks for checking out and supporting my work! Everything I create is original content at @poeeternal.
Thanks for supporting independent writers and artists! ❤
You are an ocean sterile of courage The damage you forage Using me to build your forest All my love stowed in your storage You’re now a florist An apparition or permanent tourist Loving you will make one poorest Overgrown but rarely nourished Your cold hand is never furnished
I hope my exit is ripping through your home Like the direction I go Like the hope you don’t know Like the love we won’t sew
I hope regret is chewing like a mole How you’re never feeling whole Now it’ll never be a goal You have no soul
I prey bygones have dug a proper grave And to lust you are a slave Now you have a place to pray God won’t listen anyway
I hope hell becomes your permanent cave And your tears break wave after wave Like my heart you failed to save You’re living decay
I hope the winter solace becomes a permanent artifact How with her you’re always shacked How your truth is always blacked Who I am, you’ll just retract
Lies! With the devil you are packed And she clearly has your back Every lie will leave a track You’re both an act
Read my new poem Bed of Bones on my Patreon! You get loads of exclusive content, poetry, photography, and digiart (images that you may use for your own blogs or projects, all for $1 per month!!!) Plus, I get to pay my bills and eat, which I’m struggling to do so.
Read my new poem Bed of Bones on my Patreon! You get loads of exclusive content, poetry, photography, and digiart (images that you may use for your own blogs or projects, all for $1 per month!!!) Plus, I get to pay my bills and eat, which I’m struggling to do so.
If you appreciate this blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon: www.patreon.com/poeeternal
If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here.
I’m now on Twitch! I’m going live with spoken word soon! Thanks for following me there! Hit my channel at: www.twitch.tv/poeeternal
Sometimes I experience words as if they are new That’s what your written word can do Pushing and pulling through and through Take my breath, turn me blue Subjunctive mood
Lay it out for me in lines Penalized Marginalized Revised By your red pen, I am chastised
Twisting and burning Your pens always yearning Speaking of truth as if you are learning Replacing your mask while your lies keep turning Every single day my anger is churning!!
Lines! Lines! The devil’s crossing, the way you’re talking! The constant lusting, a poor man’s cursing The way you haunt me The nightly stalking I can’t keep walking
I’m more than drunken babble Jagged edges traveled I’m more than all you saddle Or the porn that’s on your channel
Stop pretending you’re something you’re not The baggage you carry weighs alot Still licking your mask for all that it’s got Worried the truth simply might drop
I go from wanting to block him to wanting to fuck – I go from ‘I hate him’ to “he’s my buck”…
Jagged edges Overcrowded ledges Falling into hedges Deserted second pledges
Wishing things I haven’t Rotten choices maggot Fine tuning an old habit Lessons always absent
Why do they always have to lay on me their personal conditions? I want to muse not defuse the hourly emissions Confessions, obsession, next the rejection The highs, the lies, twice the objection Undermining and poor correction Next you know there’s more affection Every step has got you guessing But no one ever moves direction
From none to some From some to none From birth to young From aged to numb
From luck to curse To curse from luck From fast to stuck From good to suck
I’m still finding bones you buried Death the only thing you married
I wasn’t around love and nurturing growing up I was a petite girl beaten, I had it rough My mother, my sister, my father’s, they all were tough From blood to bruises, scruff was the stuff
The frog doesn’t know until it’s too late that the water is hot People either loathe me or they love me alot Maybe I’m formidable or maybe I’m not Maybe you’re alive with a heart full of rot
He left but his silhouette remains Life is quiet where shadow overstays Not even a whisper asks if I’m okay
All you ever give me is your poorly drawn lines. I’ve heard this excuse now a million damn times.
Stop pretending my love is a crime Stop telling others I’m not worth a dime It seems you’ve laid integrity on the line Darling, I’ll win every time
Lure her where light breaks Offer her heartaches Remind her of her mistakes
He made his bed though he wasn’t prepared The road she was going he couldn’t care It seems her worries wasn’t shared Or maybe underneath the hiding, a boy was scared
I left you like a ton of bricks crumbling
My rearview shows the void A boy devoid Self-worth destroyed There’s nothing to avoid
Tear me down Disassemble words ticking Fingers clicking People bitching Darkness my gown
Dreams still wishing Lies keep twisting Sorrows non-fixing Love went missing Watch me drown
I can go but the only thing it’ll prove is that I’m gone…
If only forgiveness were a page to turn All these hills are mistakes I’ve run And I cannot change the things I’ve done
Got my enemies watching with a telescope You say you hate me but you know I’m dope I see you clinging to my every hope You pray I’m drowning tho God is my boat
Spoken word coming soon to my Twitch TV! Watch this space!
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Got my finger on the block I guess it’s better than my Glock I know you watch me like a hawk And then you turn around and mock
I know I’m always in your thought I’m not quite the sinner you sought I’m the girl you never caught And you say you love me naught
Gonna block him again. Why not. That way, I can ignore his existence too. Eye for an eye.
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You tied the noose then left me hanging You pledged for days then changed your aiming You point your finger loudly blaming You have no proof for what you’re claiming
Your youth is gone, you’re well past ageing Your actions don’t match words you’re painting And every step you’re proudly feigning I don’t believe a word you’re saying
To be honest, I think rhyming gets me off. I get euphoric after I’ve pieced together a decent story. Sure, writing is hard. Rhyming is harder. But you wouldn’t see it that way if you saw me in a dizzy spell writing, sometimes pieces come together so quickly. Or the fact that I live and breathe rhyme 24/7. I think I might have an addiction, albeit, is it a healthy one? I literally write anywhere, and while doing everything. Sometimes I force myself to stop writing and other times I think I’ll never be able to write anything ever again. But alas, I’m still rhyming *sigh* and have been since the age of 12. I fell in love with poetry in the 3rd grade though, when I read an Emily Dickinson poem (I talk a bit about that in my thank you video on my Patreon for my patrons who join, so the video is still there if you are my patron and overlooked watching it. It’s been there since the beginning of my campaign). Anyhoo, sometimes I think I don’t have a drop of rhyme left in me. And then it is flowing out. In heaps. Like lava. And often with tears. My rhyme contains my soul. I lived in a very abusive environment as a child and writing became my escape. Writing was my coping mechanism. And still is of today.
My attempt at “But is it art” below… (but is it art was a saying me and my best friend used to say all the time when we’d fuck shit up. Like once, we redid a chair by putting our handprints in paint all over it graffiti style and writing “but is it art!?!). She died by suicide and I’ve never been the same. But all my attempts at art end with, BUT IS IT ART!?!
I nearly didn’t share this for a number of reasons. But here’s the thing, I don’t want fake boobs. I like feeling things. Might account a tad bit for my poetry. But for real, I’ve had many guys complain that my boobs weren’t fake. Had a guy break up with me in my 20s over it. And I have been peer pressured by society and men to get plastic surgery that I don’t want. I also breast fed an entire year, I have natural curves. And I don’t want to replace my sex organ with plastic for many reasons. I could have made my nipples harder I suppose, so hence ‘soft nudity’. I wasn’t trying to be vulgar or even sexual. Just existing in a hot bath and trying to capture my soft curves. Attempting to be artsy. Instead, I worry now my boobs aren’t sitting in their best, upright position. They don’t meet societies standards of perfection. I’m tired of feeling things though so maybe I should start getting plastic surgery and fake nails and fake hair and fake lips and fake eyelashes and fake tans… throw a fake personality in there too. ((Also if you’re one of the guys who’s ever put my body down… fuck you))! For real tho… desensitized nation 101. I’m not a model. I’m not a porn barbie. I’m a warrior poet, dig? Just trying to find myself and keep 100% authentic & real. I feel like I’m heading towards a dire ending like Edgar Allan Poe though. Cursed. It’s in our blood… I hope someone enjoys my little attempt at art in isolation. If you don’t like my body or my art, join the long line of boys who also don’t. I can’t be bothered with shallow waters any longer. Evolving into a better me slowly as my body is dying. Keeping my mind in a nurturing environment. SELF-LOVE.
The same vid as above but with different effects. But is it art? I never knew how hard wet hair can be to manage when it’s this long and wet and also heavy… (no filter). I really wish I could upgrade and get some decent camera equipment and lighting. Someone join my Patreon or make a donation please lol I need new editing software too!!! It’s my birthday this month!!! 😍That’s all for now. Can’t do much in quarantine. Trying not to catch the plague. Trying not to die by depression. Missing gig life to the full. No birthday gig this year!!! 😭😭😭
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They need me up until I’m muted Chances are I’ve done something that couldn’t be disputed But when it comes to compassion it’s poorly executed And when I try my hand at warmth it comes across polluted
I’m pulling and I’m pulling for his wings to be uprooted There once was a time his heart could be recruited But cheap romance and chugs of lies was a game he felt more suited In truth he won and always will his wit can be saluted
What am I but rotting flesh worshipping the dead With a noose around my neck hung up on things you said Tireless were my efforts turning obsession into bread Knowing every hour there was darkness up ahead
What am I but skeletons for your throne A path to a garden where nothings ever grown A stage for your eyes where all my soul is shown Humiliation for despair now breeding in my bone
I felt him swing from the heavens, into my heart he went And from the bowels of the netherworld, my soul came to ascent Our orbits must have collided, I have been feeling him ever since Collecting more than fraying feathers, I’m not that innocent
Watching him grow cold and devilish, while following his gradual descent Vision crossing planks of inability, I cannot stop these events Burning chains on regret, dragging around feet like they are blocks of cement The weight of consequence in this pit, the dead can still lament
He’s never once said he enjoys my stories My poetry, my writing, he must find it boring While everyone else gets all the glory I am left with nothing but worries
Why are you a moon behind a cloud? Exterminating the sun And everything I’ve done I don’t have the gumption to fight the blues These depths you send me to are pressurized Why do you flank my fears Have I not sacrificed enough tears? My blood thick of you And every molecule I’m stuck like glue Can you erase me from your shit list Sketch a smile or two? I do not fare well When feet are quicksand Head sinking too Your berries are poison but I ate a few Just to taste the bitterness you accrue Just to feel the things you do Why do you lead me to darkness? All these acres feels like abandonment The atmosphere tenuous Like the link of us How do you forget? Was it as quick as lightning Your exit? Still I trace your silhouette I find clues on my doorstep Was that your regret? Leaving me too soon? Is that my tears you collect? Is defeat what you accept? Please return this June Preferably by noon
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It’s not the best house but it’s definitely not the worst And if you think I’m worthless well honey you’re not the first And if you think I’m perfect well your bubble I’m here to burst And if you blame obsession I know I’ve got the thirst
I may not be a diamond but I’m definitely not a curse And if you’re wanting love well my heart left in a hearse I might have said I loved you once or twice in verse But if I stick around I’ll likely make it worse
Fallen Angel (self-portrait)I know I don’t matter. You made that clear. I don’t base my worth on you or my sometimes mistakes. People grow, people change. At least, I do. You’re likely holding onto versions of me that no longer exist. I’ve said my sorries, I’ve made my peace.
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The scars on my veins a reminder of pain The courage just to continue each day Cuz living with depression is living under chain You may call me crazy but I’m rather quite sane
The days are heavy and I haven’t any strength Every foot forward the deeper I sink The treatments are barbaric and push me to the brink Every other year I’ve got another kind of shrink
Sending some love hehe (in case you forgots)Hi’sI had therapy today and I don’t regret it. My first ponytail since the 1600s. Some of my biggest mistakes were haircuts. And ponytails?
I love the wonderful feedback about my poetry, that’s why I’m now on Patreon which is an excellent platform for writers and artist. Can you help me reach my goal? www.patreon.com/poeeternal
You say praying won’t make a difference I say running won’t bring repentance Now your spirit I have lamented As for letting go, I’ll stay tormented Walking away, I have been tempted I’m tired of the endless bitterness
I love the wonderful feedback about my poetry, that’s why I’m now on Patreon which is an excellent platform for writers and artist. Can you help me reach my goal? www.patreon.com/poeeternal
Happy Easter to those who celebrate. Amateur digiart by me @poeeternalAmateur digiart by me @poeeternal
It’s like his bouquet of poetry comes with thorns And behind those sweet eyes there are horns Though no matter the distance, love still forms And together or separate, we create storms
I’m already seeing my view counter drop since he’s been blocked and I won’t be able to keep him blocked long because I need him in my life even if only as a ghost. But right now I need to punish him the way he punishes me. I hope one day we’ll be on speaking terms again and following each other again but he’s told too many lies to the other females in his life… He made his bed, now he must lie in it. And I had to block him because his lack of attention to me hurts so much. But blocking him also hurts. Everything hurts. But when he loves me he loves me so well.The ironic thing is, he has all those other girls but that still doesn’t stop him from checking on me like a lot… He needs me too. Lying won’t stop the need. And all those other girls won’t stop his need of me either. I guess our tether is fatedly attached, and his hold on me won’t release and my hold on him won’t release. I might die otherwise.
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Hi my loves. My introvertness has met maximum overload and I feel I am about to go cause some trouble in town. Maybe a toilet paper riot is what I need after all? This social distancing is starting to do my head in. How are you holding up? Tells me!!
MANDATORY SOCIAL DISTANCING. UGGGGG OVER IT! 2 AM BOREDOMSI mean, it’s a good idea if you don’t want to catch the Corona I iz boreddddddd (2 AM insomniac who sleeps in her eye makeup and wakes up looking like a $2 whore)Make it stopsIf you’re going crazzzzy out of your mind during this mandatory social distancing, just remember, it’s a normal response.
So, it is a song in my head. Therefore it is lyrics. I’m songwriting. Cuz this social distancing is even getting to my introversion. Now that the public beaches are closed to the public, I wanna go. What they gonna do? Arrest me? Pff go ahead. I need some kink in my life. Or excitement. I can just play stupid. It helps to be cute and innocent with a bit of devil. I’m like the perfect combo. They can’t resist my smile and silliness. 🙂 I’m seriously going to the beach tomorrow. Might be going to jail. I’m boreeeddddddd
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Ahem, y’all ever have someone you don’t know, just randomly claim they love you? There’s a guy I never had one conversation with message me to tell me he was completely in love with me. In hindsight, I wonder if I’m reaping what I sow. Does the guy I claim I’m in love with think of me the way I think of this guy? I hope not. Him and I, at least had some conversations together, I always enjoyed his spoken word and he even did some spoken word for me once so I know what he looks like. I know why I love him. I know why he makes my blood boil and my heart beat. I know why my soul is connected to his like a tether. I know why he makes me completely black with jealousy. I know why I long for him and cry for him. I know. But this other guy who loves me, I don’t know at all. Anything. Maybe I do. Read the poem.
I iz confused. Goddess of Confusion.
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Some will call me treasure but it won’t last for very long Some will say they love me when they never did at all Some will never see me unless it is to fall Some will give me numbers but tell me when to call
Some act like they know me but we’re only ever strange Some move through life cycles but they never really change Some will give me pieces like there’s something to arrange Some will call me crazy yet they really are deranged
Dig my stuff? Check out my Patreon for cool rewards & perks! xxoo
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I give a little still they need a lot I swing for gold but miss my shot I pull the thread, they tie the knot I turn around then lose my spot
I bust through fears like it’s a door I’m exposing things I haven’t before I’ve been wandering for ages lost on his shore And I’m terrified our country is headed for war
Many are choices yet few we can choose And I wonder just really who could fit these shoes And I gave him my word and he gave me the blues And I gave him my heart now there’s nothing to lose
Been stumbling around and lost in a maze And I’m choking on fumes that came from his blaze Yet no matter how he hurts me the love always stays Maybe I’m just broken and desperate for his praise
I hear so much chatter but there’s nothing people say Yet ask them where they’re going they’ll get back another day And I really give my all, that’s just the price we pay It’s like we’re skipping first base and heading straight for the freeway!!
Sometimes I think a bridge is there for me to jump And an ocean is a gully where all my hope has sunk Sometimes I’m wise and knowing and other times I’m drunk But mostly these days I rarely give a fuck
Patience is a virtue and some don’t know the drill If silence is really golden, I am searching still He is just a sleeping lion ready for the kill And she is just a tool to help him seal the deal
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There is no life in this blood Heartache rushing in like a flood My heart is buried in your mud And giving up, I would if I could
These streets are lined with people who are down Yet your hand is never one that can be found On broken backs you prance around And forgetting you, I probably should
It’s either burning bridges or half- frozen lakes And how to get through, I don’t know what it takes Sleeping pills or alcohol won’t stop the aches And all your meanings, well I clearly misunderstood
Good luck with her, her, her, and her (there’s 4 of them right?) I’m just tired of being an outcast and a fool for love. Reading your poetry and comments to girls is like falling straight into a cactus naked. I can’t do it anymore. I’m literally going to die if I get one more prick. Goodbye
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I make decisions I know I’ll regret later And I don’t know why I pop around, the truth is that I hate her In disgust, I watch how her little minions all think that she’s greater But she’s the equivalent of an asteroid making a crater And what he sees in her requires a calculator And a wallet, then add sex, she’s just around for labor But then she removes her panties and she just isn’t my flavor Maybe she thinks exposing herself is doing us a favor Well, for him, I’m sorry, but it’s the only motivator…
Warning, the following is a rant you best avoid but I needed to do it for my own fucking sanity… I only speak the truth. 👇
It’s not that I have anything against sex workers in particular, it’s just, I don’t like her, in particular. She’s gross, she lies, I can’t get the image of her vagina burned out of my mind, I know he sticks his dick in her (she’s cheap, AKA free), she emotionally blackmails him, and while he may put her in ropes, she’s the one that’s got him chained, she’s a pyramid scheme to her own fanbase which was built on lies, she pretends she’s a publishing company and acts like a cheap whore. It’s not hard to make your blog private if there is nudity, it’s kinda the fooking rules. But I guess she wants to help contribute to ruining our children in America with free porn yah!! (I’m sorry but close up shots of just your vagina is fucking porn). I hate her because she came to my blog spreading her fucking jealousy which led me to go check out her blogs and then I had to see her exposed vagina which I didn’t want to fucking see… And if I had paid to see that shit, I would have asked for a refund for real. But now she needs to pay for my fucking therapy to get her out of my head. I mean, why she assumes everyone wants to just come to her blog and see her fucking vagina up close!?! It wasn’t even like, neat. Like, I complain at people for posting pictures of their hands up close if they don’t even fucking have the decency to get a manicure beforehand or put lotion on… It was hard enough coming to terms with the fact that them two are in a thing together. I’m not jealous of her body trust me, I don’t think she’s worked out a day in her life. You could go fishing with how coarse her hair is and judging by the looks of it she probably does. I’m not jealous of her fake fanbase that she’s created by pulling her panties off and lying to them. It’ll be a long day in hell before she releases her hold on him, I wouldn’t put it past her that she blackmails him. I’d bet my soul right now that he’s trapped, it’s no wonder their time together is always turbulent. I don’t like her for many many reasons there are for not liking a person. She’s bad all around. There’s good people like me and then there’s deceitful people like her who try to make you believe that I’m the bad person… I don’t like her because she’s a hugely bad influence for the love of my life. I don’t like her because she pretends to be a nice person, but if she was really a nice person she would have followed my blog when she came to it originally leaving all the comments that she did, but she is as fake as they come, she did it out of spite and jealousy only, and hoping that I would go check out her blogs like I did and find out the stuff that I did and now I have to watch her be all friendly to all the other bloggers we follow… In the beginning I was even stupid enough to follow her blog but I didn’t understand why she came and left me all those comments but never followed my blog but later it all made sense and I figured it out… (obvious facts they both deny). She never had any intentions of following my blog because she was jealous of him writing poetry about me while he was fucking her. Sad truths. But we all run in the same circle, so I have to see all of them support each other but leave me out… cuz I’m the problem LOL LOL and more poetic rants likely to come because I need more therapy for how much I can’t fucking stand her…
I feel slightly better after the rant.
And even after all the horrible shit I have learned, I still love him… Why? Why does the why even matter anymore? Him and I are the modern Romeo and Juliet. I swear we are. He’s beautifully dark and I love him. I just can’t stand her… And I’ve already gone through my period of slashing him through my poetry, I completely crucified him for real. But he still carried my cross. And loved me. And I still love him. And I still have the hope of one day and she can’t fucking take that from us… or our poetry. 👍👍👍
(even if he convinces y’all that none of it is about me)… mirror please) 😇😇😇😇
Listen, I’m not the smartest girl on the block, but I’m also not the dumbest and I know what’s real and I know what’s not. I love him and he must really love me too because he’s never actually blocked me anywhere despite the fact that I have crucified him more than once but he must have known how much I was hurting because deep down I have a reason to be hurting because this shit is actually real it’s actually fucking real and happening in real time right fucking now and it’s NOT just imaginary in my head. And even if his words aren’t always for me they heal me the same. I love him and I know that I’m his favorite love. He has many girls who love him but none who love him as much as I do. My love was made for him. The thing is, I can need him and set him free because it is real love and it keeps coming back to me. And I wish I didn’t dislike her the way I do because then maybe it would make it easier for him and I to be friends and follow each other again, but that’s exactly what she doesn’t want. She needs control. She’s also very co-dependent on him. I’m not because it is true love. I probably could have liked her had she not been a deceitful jealous spiteful conniving bitch. So, I’m sorry my love, but I think you can do better still. xoxo
And to the bitch this is about, get in the sea already…
SORRY NOT SORRY
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