He shoots for moon where feet don’t leave ground He’s overturning forest where we won’t hear sound Maybe he’s holy but evidence can never be found
Well it’s not just police who are corrupt They say La Palma will erupt I’ve been running round in circles but I haven’t any luck
When will you return to sky? When cold winter night leaves a frosty veil beneath earth’s eye? Do angels sigh? When hope is quaking, do you reply? Is this goodbye?
I dug up your sorry’s from the bottom of a well. I hung them to dry in sunlight. During high noon when crust is tight.
How can it be called failure if you weren’t delivered all the facts? How can you say you love me, when you seem to have two backs? How can hope carry forward when courage is what the whole world lacks?
The sky is filled with pattern Little beating hearts Everything we imagine Brushstrokes of color Icy comets breaking free from Saturn Looking back a lantern Couldn’t stop expansion If there’s hope we’ll never mention Lying with intention Buried neath the earth Tension tight like a cavern
Lay down your metric The sun is electric No need for trick Trust truth is thick
It’s all for science It’s called compliance
He thinks I’m safe Prying eyes that never see These white walls never protected me
Arguing with shadow-self Or maybe forget him On my dusty shelf I’m beside myself Taking the high step The long road Uneasy depth Don’t have care left Am I right Or is this hell?
He’s terrible By the book Unrepairable
A courtesy disconnect This life not best
I live in a world of illusions We live in a sickness system Trust betrayal
I don’t feel safe from corporations Wrongful allegations Erasing obligations
You don’t know what it’s like to be Allan Running ’round always yellin’ Dying on the street and all from famine Being number one but just in heaven
What has happened to his words? Did I deliver, kiss or curse?
Sorry. The content cannot be loaded You have been ghosted Your soul eroded Now dark unfolded
I was without form The great potential But nothing more
I have a hundred personalities, I’ve lived a million lives You are attacking me with words that feel like knives
We were taught to be first, therefore someone has to lose? So, if you have won, I must have the blues?
They retract, in perfect circles, to divide one by one They retract, but I won’t have the strength to ever pull them back They multiply and then they attack I flee, but I am off track
One day, the cliffs are going to slide But I won’t be by your side One day you gotta face the tide But it won’t be while I’m alive
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A very sickly me without fancy lighting, makeup, or filters. 😷
Long ago I found you cold The ruins you brought forth Leaving me helpless and coiled Wrapped in agony I think you’re spoiled Losing depth in me Trapped in a deep void The end gaining gravity
I consume the things you hate
The coil burns out Like the core My soul before The cloud became doubt
Are you going to get to the point, where there’s nothing to lose?
Do I live in the mind of God? Am I his thumb? And all creation, Just things I’ve done?
Are you his son? Are we all one? What a revelation A multiverse of none
Am I God’s projection? A dream within a dream? A lost profession? Is God sleeping?
Time is how we measure change I’m a conscious being, asleep the same
He’s a different dimension With different physics Where laws exist Opposite He’s a great, fine mist The pen, the fist A magnetic tunnel connecting all of it
Under dome My mind is my own
Struggling with identity, connection, though DNA has the code to heaven
All my dreams below (hard to let him go)
Climbed a higher dimension, if I failed to mention?
I can see everything from here, information isn’t clear
Knowledge is my crown, disappointing looking down
The fourth dimension is negative; the here and now
They support the addict, not the saint
I won’t live as long as my parents I won’t live long enough for my mother to repair it
Welcome to Earth’s funeral
He told me where he’s at Like a shooting star falling inward His direction fell in my lap
They’re running such a tight ship but lately I don’t give a shit
They come in code But who they are I will never know Stuck in a cove But they are swimming below With nowhere to go
You were a great leader once, he said
And I replied
Yeah I know, Cleopatra. Suicide.
There was no fairness in the stone I carried crucifixion through the dawn But year went on and on and on I’m tired, not strong
We observe and report
I’m climbing Mount Everest Gotta cut me some slack Since they weigh heaviest I won’t look back 👀
If only you spent as much time sewing a holy garden, as you do building a house of made entirely of sins
I stopped going to your pages I’m erasing all your faces I’m not going through your phases I stopped going to these places
…to these places
Stop pretending your trash is treasure
I’m too good for a throne What’s the point in sitting When I’ve got the world to roam 👀
India displays a pattern It made my eyes burn brighter The light is like a lantern And I am still a fighter!
My iron is a lighter My blood is spelled disaster Remove sin from the cavern Truth spinning like it’s Saturn!
Diffused awareness, they’re all careless
I’m changing direction I’m cleansing infection I learned my lesson Headed for ascension – The law of one
Salvation or sacrifice? Stitches or bloody knife?
Copper or crown; the grand illusion (society is a sham)
Apple is not the sin It is the cure
Who said living was a lifetime? 🤔
I’m so desperate for you to be everywhere Anywhere I see you standing there But that’s just empty air
They call her queen, But give them 5 minutes alone, She won’t mean a thing!
I thought I was home In a house full of strangers I thought I was alone In a world full of dangers
You call me poor But it’s more expensive to be alone Get off her throne I offer more than a whore
Tell me now why you never said three words; Tell me before I’m dead
I guess that’s why I returned To be a guide To help the living prepare for genocide
Blood is metallic Crimson but mixed with magic
Blood is gold, the answers within
The wrath of ruin The path of druid
Sometimes it’s truly frightening The earth is fast as lightning
Is this a dream or simulation? Are you the same as hesitation? Markings on my vein, the deprecation?
He said, “we don’t choose who we love” She replied, “is that from hell or above?”
If it weren’t for you The sky wouldn’t rotate Nor earth hold wonder
He gets mad me, “what were you thinking?” “Stepping into a black hole?” He wrote the math though He paved the path so
I want truth to unfold, I’m sick of dying alone, cold You have an oath to uphold So wave a flag, carve it in stone!
I want love, not gold I want your stories til I’m old Turn your cheek, leave out unknown Give light its throne
One day they will say She was ahead of her time Trapped in a mine John Jones he knows
In the beginning there was void He takes the cold like a steroid No hope employed An endless puzzle to be decoyed
Every freckle is a galaxy or place you touched me like the sun…
He is quantum gravity When he is there He is here with me
He is quantum love He is all or none Zero is a sum
Plenum
Love is like water It comes in four states
They make gods out of structures
Pay attention to the definitions No beginning and no end Nothingness is not nonexistence Emanation of the highest
She pretends she is a confidant She keeps digging for that compliment
This is psychological slavery; we are nothing but data
Your heart is so cold Tell me, does it snow? Under your soul?
Blue is the shortest wavelength Most visible to my heart Zero pigmentation Though connected via dark
We are desolate Earth’s least favorite
I want ornaments lying around as his books He can flee; but I know he’s coming back for second looks Reading for freedom; but I know he’s got me clasped right by the hooks
You lost courage after multiple failures? You lack strength to have better behaviors?
Do you know what separates me from being a monster? Will
The dullness in my life Can cut it with a knife I’m so tired of strife Like everyday is night
I’m caught in his riptide Ripped wide Gripped tight
Hologram
He said I was hollow I replied, you left out a gram Should you add, then appear I am
I want to see it destroyed My feelings, they’re in a deep void
I grew detached Knew not what I lacked Still kept looking back Knew it wasn’t that
How much does it cost, to live a life of pretend? Got my name written in pen, But he won’t ask how I’ve been!
Why do you pull out with so much gravity?
He was a pillar Stone cold, vertical chiller A midnight thriller
There’s fractions in the stars Galaxies shifting like continents Ripping time like it’s a fabric
Do you see me slipping through earth’s crust Do you know it hurts Crawling through mistrust Every section unjust
Facing mortality and on some days I look my best, roll out the red carpet, I passed life’s test
Thank you for reading my poetry. 🥰
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I don’t know where I come from, who I am, or what I mean to anyone 😩
All my comrades are dying by the same thing which afflicts me
Many of us unplugged after 9/11
But we didn’t know we’ve been fighting for all the foreigners to take our best jobs
For the housing and rental market to be rigged
We were fighting for equality, not for the world to be overrun with male homosexuality and anal sex
I mean now they’re fighting wars from a fucking computer and they’re taking out random people and then letting those entire families who have grown up in violent environments to come over here and live the American dream which is actually slavery for the Americans born here
Also, they shove Big Pharma down our throats which makes us more suicidal and homicidal
And India is the number one manufacturer of drugs and vaccines in the world and despite that they can’t even manage their own country and the Delta virus (that’s because this whole thing has been rigged by them so that they can make money because we were becoming too holistic, we were becoming too free, we were becoming too independent, we didn’t need the fucking system, we didn’t want the fucking system, and now they’re making us relied on it so people are checking out instead because we don’t fucking wanna do it the way they are forcing us to do it)
Nobody wants to work 2 to 3 crappy jobs just to pay our rent and electric while everybody else gets to live rent and mortgage free and y’all keep raising our rent thinking we’re going to keep fucking doing this our entire life
When most of us followed the rules and now are stuck with student loans but we get to watch all the foreigners take all our jobs that we worked so hard for them to have 👀
Tell them to take their “2 year paid tuition” and shove it up their ass
You’ll just be met with hiring freezes
The Bible is the biggest pyramid scheme of all, it is simply designed to play on your emotions and to take your money (same with porn and “BBC” porn is racist as fuck and just absolutely wrong).
It needs to be banned and outlawed
You don’t need the Bible manipulating and controlling your every move
Private home mailing addresses should be private, businesses should not be allowed to continue to tear down the rain forest to send us coupons that we didn’t opt in for
Life isn’t about buying stuff
There’s more to life than TV and porn
Suicide is the only logical escape from this nightmare
He doesn’t owe me any answers but the answer’s always pressin’ Like a lesson now in session But he always keeps me guessin’ Got me wrapped around obsession Said I left a deep impression And so love it ain’t the question And so love it ain’t in question
He said he wants to dig deep Experience life behind the angel’s wing Far from heaven’s keep Beneath the iron swing Where the stars can’t breathe
You’re the reason I jumped into this timeline
Careful what you wish for Cuz it won’t come around no more
He’s sitting on a pot of gold Or maybe hinting on impossible He hangs it on a line for me Like his dream’s a possibility
He wants us broken from our roots Then we are wild and loose
He’s like a sudden eruption And the one thing I am always wanting
You’re like hiking a new terrain A secret I can’t contain You are the wind but never rain You move with freedom where I see chain
I keep calling Fickle and thorny Under moon and mourning
I didn’t mean to follow But the lines were yellow And the cries so hollow The flags were screaming hello
160 miles to the end of the world To the end of the world
You were never friend You were never foe Light you only bend Into something unknown Stars can’t comprehend What they’re never shown
My endings must be your first steps
It may be Iceland But he is midnight sun He’s got the world to burn
There’s poison in the water Radiation leaking from the towers There’s too many now in power We are slaves at every hour
Liberty, please free me
Your book got stained By tears of an angel Maybe mangled Hollowed and chained
Hello, where are you?
I want
I want to be
I want to be your hotel
I want to be your gal, your hotel
I want you endlessly, with no sleep
And when the sun should rise
So to my dreams
Look at how time pulls him To the center of my being He is swinging from creation To bring me everything
I buried your book today Six feet betrayed Pages burned with the rage Torn and decayed I spit on the grave So that’s the price you pay
I’m always awake Dreams never come I’ve stood atop of sorrow Cried for all they’ve done
You’re a loser but you get to lose last
He was a stream she followed into a river that flew from November And everything she couldn’t remember Frozen along a seaside where all condemned her A mirage getting nearer
He’s like a long lost love ripe from the vine Picked from the hands of time
He’s the fresh air filtered from hope A twisted tongue untangled from rope A fixed hole in her boat
We need to be more stronger in our courage than our fear
The mood is morbid More dark awarded
Where do days go wasted Dying in the dunes So many words we hasted Watching how light communes
I ripped it right from the spine I never even read a line
A place for two Fit for me or you With just a tiny view Enough to kill the blue
I want to earn So I can spend Bred to consume Until the end Not born with spoon But fed with sand Give me more doom ‘Til world can’t stand
We’ve only ever seen ourselves in reflections or pictures Double dirty mirrors They sell us any sin by preaching the holy scriptures Watching how light flickers But they all have the same figures Endless filthy triggers And the devils’ are getting richer
Oh to be a sunflower instead the weeping willow
He doesn’t mind if I’m awake or doped Love’s the cure no matter the diagnose
He’s definitely not the hero With a population zero
Did you ever care your dreams were stitched to mine? And choice was chosen farther back in time?
An older view but a heart of gold Maybe reckless But I’m dying young
I can feel him tugging like the tide In between serendipity There’s nothing we won’t try
I want you to come first How earth is spinning You should feel thirst
He’s gone but then he’s back He’s super focused, then off track I think it’s over when that ain’t fact It’s never excitement we ever lack
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Lately he’s been sweeping out the cobwebs The devil’s interested in the details He’s focused on the way my story unveils He claims I am the reason that the earth swells
He moves through me like rain pattering Thunder rumbling Dim lights reflecting from wet pavement A calm serenity in the early A.M. The soft sound of a match flicking An in your face, after hours, door down kicking
He gets me thinking Every atom increasing Over wide expanse To find me dreaming
Sometimes silently screaming Can he even hear me? Why am I always seething? The endless bleeding Month after month He’s all I’m needing
Come back to me The garden is empty now There’s nothing to sow
Twisted twigs removed of thorn Every step is filled with scorn
Blood and rust becomes the norm Evil’s made and evil’s born
The sun will rise tomorrow true But she won’t give a fuck about you
I’m not where I’m meant to be I’m forgetful how You said you’d never desert me in vow
When you’ve been given the hand as a pawn So you shake the tree to see how hard a king could fall Because death follows you all around And fits your head like it’s a crown
Tell them I died of inexperience Disappeared into dust and this Nothingness I am delirious Feasting on nefarious Darkness Arrest bliss So restless
Half dead Half alive Feet dragging in circles But got throttle to survive
I’m scared And I have no one to tell My orders they aren’t in order And the place looks like hell
I keep organizing disorder In clusters of equal color And piling to the ceiling The clippings of my horror
But then, falling to a clutter Every single note he said I found it in the gutter Where all my tears flood instead (And fears instead of wonder)
I play slip and slide in the mud A word I rarely utter With thunder lightning mixed with blood With prayers less to suffer
Wrapped in heated wool and fear
Coyotes yipping at me to stay alive Or to die I can’t tell a difference half the time
The fog is thicker But my heart is wearing thinner And I’m sick of winter Freezing in the sun My hope’s a killer Stealing every grain of fun And he made fear a winner
The heart isn’t waterproof And my anger Is lit up like a sunroof I’m in danger So I’m acting like a goof I will hold your wager And toss it off the roof While you call a stranger Thinking they can protect you
👀
If you cringe at everything you do or say Maybe it’s because you are corrupt in a way?
I need a break from routine From sunup to sundown 24/7 The constant dying The endless trying One moment to another More yearning and crying
Tidal distortion Everywhere he’s been Pulled from proportion He’s good at sneaking in Speaks in third person Night is on his chin
I got blood on my favorite shirt Tell my heart it’s not the reason we’re hurt I cover wound with a bit of dirt I can’t recall when I wasn’t this burnt
Why did you leave? I ripped my heart open for you.
We need a heat source Heat is life Get me to the light (Warmth is nice)
He went like a wave And I caught in undertow
Give me a box To store my bones Let me have peace They’ll find a home
Everybody unhinged Don’t give a shit On anger we’ve binged So full of it I’m bright, I’m lit
I’m always last at the end of a road The last in line Last picked My house is cold
Two days go by It feels a year My hope runs dry But not these tears
Did I not wait with contempt As the hourglass filled with time Every grain of sand with you on my mind Was I ever worth an attempt?
IO
How can a moon erupt? How long ‘til I give up? Will volcanic ash spew in the wake of my dust? How can a moon corrupt?
He makes me desperate Feeling as if I am his least favorite But then he comes from comets swinging giving me the greatest gifts His words and his virtual kiss Then I forget I’m not his favorite
I called to him under darkened sky He arrived in a meteor shower With desire on display
He just dropped in For days missing Didn’t ask him where he’d been I already knew then So what difference was asking?
I am his high priestess His confessions fall upon me any hour And do I not rise to the call when he is his weakest? I am his to fall
So resting now his wishes Here sins have no power The gates to heaven are keyless Looks like love has no wall
He was spending all his time at the mire Messages got stuck along the wire And drawing colder yet flame from fire Eyes perched on devil hands with buyer
Just when I believe you’ve disappeared for good, you’re at my feet whispering “I love you”.
I own a tiny piece of his heart And I carry it so deep in me It’ll never break apart
Jupiter, What are you waiting on?
So patiently in the dark So far from where I thought
You’re Father Stark
If you aren’t him and he isn’t you Then who in the world am I talking to?
Where do the tides take you? Pulling from destiny Are you hurt too? You are magnetic But you are not a moon I feel me falling I hope there’s light coming soon
The gates of hell have already been opened The 7th seal now broken But I will die loving you That is certain
The sun is expanding Time covers your beard in doom A reminder my heart’s worth saving Should it pass you soon
He sends me pictures I normally wouldn’t approve And if I’m lost among the shadow, he’ll build a statue For even when light is narrow, we make a new noon For time is like an arrow, space the canoe And riding now forever, the love we accrue
If we were a map, what would we be? Would you be part of my destiny?
He just turned up – with casual conversation and a deep desire to linger on my existence.
Conversation you’d expect a couple that’s been together for 20 years to be having (I just mean the connection- not the topic, that’s irrelevant).
Just flew in – landed at my feet – i love you.
Heaven got a chance to rest too.
For a blink.
But for that moment, I so badly wanted to rub my fingers over his head. And let him snuggle on my arm so I could breathe on his head lightly.
He ends the war in my head.
When I’m not crying over him being with her – or that my destiny is to die unloved on the fucking street.
If I’m lucky I might get a box for my bones.
My end of the world pandemic look (which is basically yesterday’s make up that I slept in because I haven’t really been able to sleep since he said he loved me).
Sometimes there are none But rarely ever few Sometimes they are one Or maybe simply two
Sometimes I go numb When only counting you But only when I’m dumb Do I really catch the view
How dare he – Walk into the devil’s den – And insult she – He’s looking for an end!
He tells me I’m perfect; without ever saying the words And even when I’m not worth it; his love will come in herds
I scream at him with the fury of a sun I scratch and claw He is a demon After all
There are people trying to bury me in a box Friend or foe They’re never what I thought The story goes They talk a lot of talk Well I unplugged Am paranoid around the clock
There are monsters lurking every inch And forward sleeping Nightmares in my grip What were you thinking When giving me a pinch? So now I’m left dreaming Of when I’ll never give a shit!
Who are you then? If every reason I’m not dead?
Knock knock Who’s there? I dunno And I don’t care
She had a graveyard in her front yard
Was it worth it? Losing your life to escape?
And all that gold around your worry Is that really what it takes?
But even the lowest of lowly Can’t remove the aches
Keeping vision blurry No courage had to face
The sun is glaring in a hurry And death is on our race
If life is but a scurry Please let me die with grace?
I’m trying to be more open Open to proceed I’m trying to be more open Open to receive
Cohesive What he said Cohesive But he’s dead
Everybody burns out Everybody burnt out Everybody burns out Everybody burnt out
Rest is for the weary Broken down and dreary Vision not too clearly
One day the end will come God will fix what man has done
A bigger piece doesn’t always mean the best; But in his case, he’s outdone the rest!
He wants me in denim But then he’s clinging To my tongue That’s leaking venom
World is all burning So give me balloon in sky On string with fire 💋
I gather nuts and bolts just like they’re little clues Now fleeting with the stars thoughts that will confuse I gather up our fears just like it is the news I color out of line simply to amuse
Submission without admission Ascending to attention But in case I fail to mention Descension brings dimension
Thank you for visiting my blog! I am working in my studio all week – writing and recording spoken word for my patrons- as well as working on some other secret projects!
I really appreciate your visits to my blog! Your feedback, your comments, likes, pledges, subscriptions, all the things!
He wants to do everything with me and all at once And when it’s over we will start again just like it is the first Because hour by hour he’s the only who knows how to taunt He fills me up with hunger, then feeds me to his wants
He is the softness I crave in color The silver moon in a haze from slumber Or how he pulls from me my wonder And plants it in the sky as starlight named summer
He is the daisy field I want to lay With weeping willow in the shade He is the reason daydream comes to play The wind is heaven in a sway
My falls to you a Band-Aid Rocks stumbling from a mountain, in an escapade And worry? It’s just my hair in a double braid And crying, it’s just another hand of charade You say my tears taste like lemonade; Add some kisses and the sun will play!
You and I are the hills, the great drive, up and down these feels
We need to just make an extra game out of me fucking up and every time I do we put a dollar in a cup and once it’s filled up we go do something fun with it.
He didn’t enter my residence, he crash landed He didn’t set the scene, he just demanded And I with holy wings unseen Dropped with lightning to my knee
He didn’t knock, he just flew in He smelled of all the things I loathe, I hope he comes again How my tears befuddle beneath my feet It took a demon to feel complete
I don’t know what to do anyway and they all want a porn star or pro dominatrix or my hand in marriage. 👀
That’s why no one is joining my OnlyFans during its flash sale, right?
Too inexperienced, too real, too much of what you need…
*rolls eyes*
Right now , as my numbers slowly decline, I’m facing the fact that one day there won’t be anybody there at all.
But I’m glad to see that every other girl in the world is doing so good on their OF. 🦕
I’m gonna stop crying soon because I got a really cute set I want to do for my subs.
And I was afraid to even try it on because I missed an entire week of working out which is also contributing to my loathiness.
But whatever. New poem.
And new set coming soon to my OF because I wanna spoil my subs.
I mean it was just 4 days ago that I was visited by the Holy Ghost.
I’m feeling pretty inspired (ignore the self loathing woes)
It’s just my ovaries not wanting to die on the street yet.
But my mind is like, “why do you keep putting yourself through this emotional mental torture prison dieeeeeeeee”
My therapist is like “you need to stop ignoring my calls and take your prescription“.
My voice is like, “LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME DIE”
My primary care doctor is like, “your temperature and blood pressure are really low, bed rest”
COVID vaccine is like, “rest HAHA FUCK YOU”
The love of my life (or someone) is like, “hold up, I got you” *suspends me in a dimension between heaven and earth*
And that is all entirely from just this week and it’s not even Sunday yet. 👀
And despite the fact that nobody wants to join my OnlyFans during its first 50% off flash sale (lame) – I’m only focused on getting this new set out.
Because of you, I’m not yet obsolete.
I’m not a fucking dead dinosaur. Yet.
Guys always almost always instantly put me into a “married zone” – even though they call it a friend zone- And then when they don’t get what they want from me they say, “We can’t be friends because I like you too much”.
Now days they just stop supporting you, liking your content, you know the silent treatment and the ghosting.
And it’s completely acceptable for a business to do this to you as well.
THIS IS HELL.
So when I stop crying about the fact that I’m gonna wind up dead on the street, I’ve got some color to put out.
And I’m sorry I’m not a pro dominatrix, I’m a fucking warrior poet, just like Edgar Allan Poe.
Never really heard him talking about his M16A2 assault rifle- But maybe that’s because the technology didn’t exist back then and maybe he’s a better writer because he existed in different fucking times And was in love with his actual family which I can’t stand.
He loved his family so much that they tossed him in an unmarked box in an unmarked grave.
(My family would rather gaslight you and make you believe that I am the love of their life even though I don’t even have a fucking identity)
I haven’t got to work on my booty gains at all this week. Been working on my heart (and have been medically predisposed). But Monday, I’m gonna hit the rebounder hard. Trying not to stress out about missing days- my heart doesn’t need any more stress right now. In fact, it’s going to have to go through this shit even harder in a few weeks when I go in for round 2 of the COVID Moderna vaccine.
You can make a mess of things but I’ll be organizing it in a clutter. 😜
The good news is I got to my favorite store today and got some new spring lingerie!
Which set do you think I got?
That’s about all the energy I had to do. 🦋🦄🦋 (Part 1 of the Covid vaccine plus maybe also my BP being so low has just left me very lethargic).
I hope the new set fits! No energy to try it on yet but also not feeling the best about missing a whole week of working out! 🤢🤢🤢
From dudes ghosting me to trying to kidnap me off the street- I just ain’t feeling right…
Know what I mean?
You ever have some guy wait for you to come out of the store and then exit their vehicle and chase you down the sidewalk and then not take two no’s for an answer?
He actually went “hmmm” and started looking around the parking lot.
This is after I’ve told a stranger no TWICE that I did not want to go for a ride with him.
He still hadn’t left.
Now he’s going “hmmm” and his eyes are scanning the front door and parking lot.
He then looks back at me and my facial expression read: is this the part you now grab me and I fight back
He said “alright” despairingly and left. Finally. But it was the longest seconds of my life. Too many seconds after the second no was issued. Too many.
I spent the next 20 minutes or an hour believing he was following me and wouldn’t drive any route home.
I have not recovered.
You ever have a guy wait for you to leave the store, exit his vehicle, run down the sidewalk, and not take no for an answer?
And then watch him scope out in contemplate if he’s going to take you or not?
In broad daylight?
I don’t like getting out. It’s too dangerous being this dainty and cute.
I need a bodyguard. Hence, I’m packing weight soon.
Know what I mean?
I got a girl you want to meet her? Her name is 9 millimeter…
If needle and thread I am ivory instead Got fusion in lead Can’t forget what you said Can’t get words outta my head Wish I wasn’t feeling dead Then I wouldn’t feel this dread I’m so lonely I’m avoiding bed It’s like I’m looking at my own death Exhaling cold breath And more skin to shed It’s like I’m looking at my own bed
It’s full on blues in my head. Another freestyle. Welp.
Butt is getting firm. Hair is getting long. Progress is slow is progress. Spiral out, keep going… 🙂 This ass has lived all over the world and 1984 is now.
America is becoming more and more a Hitler state and I’m stepping out of politics right now.
Stay woke
Tons of sexy photos and videos on my OnlyFans if you are bored and I loaded a super hot set just this hump day!!
This way to sorrow This way to despair This way to desolation This way to nobody cares
Was that your shadow leaping over my dream? What were you thinking while abandoning me?
The system is rigged everywhere Just leave me where I fell
The world is a drainpipe There’s not enough pills to gaslight It’s a battlehill And you make me ill
Was your vein not thick with poison Blood curdled and coagulated I pulled out every thorn Your heart turned into a floodgate
I need 1 sun-moon cycle where I’m not disturbed 24 hours of peace preferred
How easy he would come to me But what would he find? Scars and bits of broken pieces Unfiltered creases The ugly kind?
I don’t care about your joyrides Or do I?
What will I be known for? How I died? Suicide? But never the reasons for why I cried?
Dear Mother,
You only taught me how to suffer
Didn’t I write words of worth When you were nothing more than a speck of dust When any sun would bring you dirt I took the pain and made it work When all the world thought you a jerk I drank the blood and made you smirk When you were nothing on this on this earth I turned your no into a must
Drowning on rage Too much air in this cage
Warning signs were posted I suppose they go ignored He was a Japanese suicide forest And hope unexplored
How much times passes while you collate? Working around the second hand What kills the ache? Was it your best move? Or the worse you’ll ever make?
Harvest my disgust It’s fully ripened Polish off the dust You’ll find a diamond
For those inquiring, it is a pink crystal, with energetic healing properties. Specifically, a rose quartz. I have various stones and crystals I use for meditation. What do you do to center?
I write about the light alot. But that’s what we really are, star stuff. Some of us collapsing inwards, stealing the gravity of others, until turning into a black hole, and eating any hope or light that is left. And, out of contempt, any other light that gets near. How dare we disturb its darkness, with our piercing, blinding light. Truth hurts.
Oh, I need you. Don’t kill the light. Can’t breathe. Sun = light = oxygen & iron= Life.
In the dark. Spiraling out of control. Orbit’s unstable. Earthquakes are mood swings. Core is splitting in two.
Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).
Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.
And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).
“Suicide comes in three”.
But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.
We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.
So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.
But then there’s an actual fear of dying.
It’s complicated.
And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.
I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.
I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?
I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*
I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.
I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.
So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.
I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.
And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.
They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.
This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.
God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.
Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.
I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.
I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.
What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????
Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.
My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.
I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.
And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.
I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?
And this was directly after a sold out show.
Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.
Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.
I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.
Too much.
Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.
I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.
Too much.
It’s a pink crystal for health and healing but I can’t find a quiet zone anywhere, at any time, to meditate. Manic.
If you’d like to help support this blog or my creativity, please consider subscribing to my Patreon or OnlyFans. Donations or tips extremely appreciated, too. I am on PayPal, CashApp, and my blog is now accepting donations! You can make one in the box below. Thank you for your support! Times are hard! Every penny goes towards this lifeboat and helps keep this blog afloat and advertisement free (zero spam)! Thank you!
I have 8 followers on TikTok and I am going up against Big Bro and his shadowbans so yeah, I am grateful you took the time to watch my 30-second TikTok (which actually took me hours to make not including rehearsal times)! 👀
I am pushing through roadblocks like stage fright and anxiety, shadowbans, and others making fun of me and what I’m doing.
But I have seen way worse tiktoks and I’m doing something original. I’m trying.
I do hope to get better at making clever video but right now my tricks are just pulling out my creative writing tool bag and dousing you with words and a little bit of drama.
Do they teach how to make TikTok videos in school now? Because I’m going up against some fierce competition and I am truly grateful for your plays! 😍
12 hours in and it had already received 350 plays plus a couple boys making fun of it! When I asked him what he had against poetry he said he didn’t know “idk”. I guess this was the first time he has ever even heard spoken word poetry? I’m pushing TikTok boundaries?
Can it reach 500 plays in under 24 hours? It’s nearly there with several hours to go! We’re at hour 17! C’mon! 😍
Thanks for watching and for supporting indie bloggers and content creators!
You belong on some foreign land, speaking languages of the old, forgotten gods In some haunted and forsaken land Where your reign has better odds Speaking words I’ll never understand Cuz your lies they come in squads!
I made a new Reel for this new poem!!! I know everyone crosses platforms and shares tiktok on Instagram and reels on tiktok but whatever- if I get 30 views on this new reel, I’ve decided I’m going to be happy with that. Because if 30 people showed up to watch what I did in a room, I would freak f*cking out.
Edgar’s bones are rattling, I think he’s been moved! (This literally did happen to him- come to think- but that’s not what I mean). I’m just trying to keep the rhyme tradition alive and I reside in modern times.
Smitten by words
You can ghost me, we still live on the same planet and in the same galaxy. Sucker!
One day you are going to die and I am going to die but the question remains now: who is going to become dust faster?
Gotcha thinking!
Welp.
Some idiot on Insta insulted my ass again. He said I was living rent-free up in his mind but he was stalking my profile m’kay. Stop lying. Blocked. And thanks for the workout motivation and compliment. 👍
Here a narcissist, there a narcissist, the devil comes in two
How about this new poem I wrote tho, eh? Oh, you don’t want to let me know that I swoon you in any shape or fashion? Hence, it matters not cuz Edgar Allan Poe, yo.
Goddess of Poetry
I am an elite rhyming poet in this century and I feel like I’ve written enough decent rhyme to make my mark in that category and to call myself A REAL POET.
It may take 200 years for anyone to acknowledge that fact. But I’m having a real go at it anyway.
How I feel about our love. Neither here or gone. Still loading. Or maybe that’s just 2021? I have a good side and a bad side. Double trouble. Twice the love. 💞
Am I your angel or demon? A lonely mermaid? Are we now even?
Did you know I read tarot from time to time? I have 2 deck of cards plus some tarot books. While I don’t have each card memorized, I’m fairly good at interpreting what they mean, in comparison to the question you ask each deck/reading. My friends and family are generally pretty amazed by each reading (despite me flipping through my book). While I’m not as experienced reading tarot, I’m skilled with meditation sessions and intermediate with meditation with crystals and stones. I studied astrology when I was 15, followed by dream interpretation, and then wound up getting my science degree in psychology. I also have a medical background working as an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) and Combat Medic for some 8 years in the Army (I went on to get a second MOS in the Army as I was offered a position with the Department of Defense, so I went to another school in the Army and got a second MOS classification and started working as a Transportation officer. Thus my medical career halted, I changed my masters from psychology to an MBA, as my entire life changed when I became a businesswoman for the DOD (Department of Defense) and this went on for several years until I reached 15 years in the Army and opted to not reenlist a fifth or sixth time. Thus, here I am now. An unknown soldier, poor, heartbroke, and on the brinks of a mysterious death, just like Edgar A. Poe!!! Woo Hoo!
If you’d like to help support this blog so I can eat, that’s cool, I like to eat. And your donations and/or subscriptions to my campaigns, allow me to keep doing this. I am so grateful, thank you!
Your walls of trust are ruin Still the moss is green in our garden There are dinosaur skeletons and secrets buried Iron walls to keep off enemy My lips are gold and clean I’m still your sunbeam Leaning on the moon My roots dug into you The tombs are crumbling Regret is ivy Black holes are spinning too They have mass like the weight of you Time has turned into quicksand Every place you’ve been I’m not calling on a friend From lie to dust My blood is rust But the starlight It keeps rushing through With every thought of you My lips are gates of doom
I know why Edgar Allan Poe died heartbroke on the street. I know your secrets. Dig into the crust and search its layers, love is still found.
Cut the red forest down. Run us into Andromeda. My love won’t go extinct.
There may not be a grave for you to visit when I die. Or a blog. People die and vanish from history. Am I fading from existence with your every breath? Where does the light go inside you?Have you already forgotten me? Tell me how easy? Click click erase?
Thanks for checking out my blog and for supporting Indie artist!
I have a science degree in communication and can’t even fucking talk.
Furthermore, my brain is quickly failing me due to TBI, PTSD, chronic depression, acute anxiety, insomnia, paranoia, nightmares (war vet), and a billion other health problems not related to my mind. Like bone and muscle problems.
Not that you care. 👍
WOO HOO
I AIN’T DYING NAKED IN THE STREET
FYI.
I’m a broken fucking doll.
And just as soon as I come along and repair one tiny piece someone else will come along and break five more.
I’ve been physically abused, I am a survivor.
My doctor is begging me to take my fucking big pharma medication and I do good eating once a day, if at all.
I need to disassociate but everybody wants my time.
Wahhhh
Meanwhile, politics make me suicidal and on edge. My dad dying has taken me to new levels of darkness I’ve never known. I’m having to rip out my own heart, which is basically my muse, because he is I and I is he and all he does it make me bleed. So, I’ve lost my muse. I don’t even know if I have fucking air to breathe because half the time I’m hyperventilating from crying.
I live alone. During a pandemic. My pets are now getting on my nerves daily in this noisy apartment life. I want solitude and silence but apparently that too only belongs to the rich.
WordPress is getting on my nerves.
The air you breathe is getting on my nerves.
I am on edge and suicidal when I am not disassociating.
But there’s never any time to disassociate and I probably won’t even get to do that when I’m dead.
Justice would be coming back as an evil spirit and haunting your every move and breath.
Once again, I dare say Edgar Allan Poe suffered from depression. I am diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed.
Maybe I should start seeking a locket of his hair.
Since his hair is now a collector’s item.
I feel like having a Britney Spears moment and shaving off all of my hair.
Anything is possible when you are suicidal. 👍
Teddy is about the only thing that doesn’t trigger me. I found him outside one day by the trash bin. Not a speck of dirt on him. No odd smell. He came home with me. He got a second chance at life. He was simply DISPOSED and I know what that feels like. I do. Tossed out like fucking trash. It gave me a mood. But now he’s centerpiece in my studio and I’ve always wanted a large stuffed animal but no one’s ever given me one. I don’t get spoiled and I take shit home with me from the trash. Nobody sends me chocolate and nobody writes me poetry.
Like, you don’t know what struggle is until you’re finding nurturing in a trash bin.
You’d never catch me eating food from a bin though, I’d die first.
Pride. Ya know?
Teddy almost wound up in a landfill. And don’t even get me started on how much we waste resources.
Are you aware of that Stuxnet virus? I’m getting ready to buy some land and go underground. Good luck knowing my addy. Paranoid soldier? You betcha!!!
Seriously tho, I recommend you watching and learning everything about it now.
Also there are two things you need to know in the event of a nuclear attack (I.E. one of those power plants goes boom) :
1. Get out of the city and 2. Get out of the city.
Get out of the cities, get out of the cities….
If you want to watch a scary movie, watch that documentary on Stuxnet.
Enjoy me online while you can because I promise you I’ll be going underground. Unplugging.
No matter what step I take, it’s always the wrong one.
I never had a proper upbringing, I guess I won’t have a fucking honorable death either will I?
I’d be lucky to have 7 people attend my funeral (like dear Edgar A. Poe) and I guarantee 5 of em’ will be my enemies there to celebrate my death and piss on me.
It’s a good thing I’m going to fucking drown myself in the sea.
Problem solved. And 1 mysterious death in bound.
Checkmate.
This time, I AM GHOSTING YOU.
Scouting an old cemetery in Florida yesterdayWent exploring an old cemetery yesterday in an attempt to do an upcoming cosplay shoot. It took my dad dying for me to learn that not everybody gets a tomb or a grave. 👍
I’m going through some heavy shit right now (alone and during a pandemic) so if you’re out there punishing me… 👎👎
It’s not even called a cemetery, it’s called a mount (a hill). I walked up that mount yesterday looking at tombs that have been destroyed with time and hurricanes, some abandoned and others well kept.
I don’t know why I assumed that everyone got a tomb when they died, but they don’t. Ash become many in the wind.
I still have a lot to learn about death. Realizing my dad wasn’t going to get a tomb after how he died was a big fucking light bulb.
My dad had been dead for days before he was found and you don’t know what that sort of information does to a human being.
And then reading how Edgar Allan Poe’s families just tossed him in an unmarked grave in a fucking box ho ho ho.
So life sucks. Dying sucks. And death sucks too.
When I was a kid me and my grandmother would travel around and visit different cemeteries and look at the tombs, seeing entire famalies buried on the same day, and imaging how they must have died. Sometimes she would catch me in the hole of where someone had been buried but was moved due to racism and segregation which still occurs in Mississippi. She thought it weird but I liked the smell. I still like to wander cemeteries though, reading the tombs and visiting the dead.
But it seems being buried is for the rich. And eventually Earth isn’t even going to exist. It does my mind in.
You’re a slave, Neo.
I don’t have anybody to love me while I’m alive so why can I assume that there will be anybody to love me when I’m dead…
I don’t know if I can endure another X amount of years of existence being invisible or soley alive to pay bills and be nothing more than a toy or sex object.
If you’d like to help support this blog or my creativity, and get exclusive perks in return, I’m on Patreon (all ages) & OnlyFans (18+)! My LinkTree will take you places: https://linktr.ee/poeeternal
Take the air from where I breathe He will never notice me
There you go again Breaking my heart For just a thrill It’s overkill
A thousand times over You have made your point And I know I am never what you sought Though lurking I am aching where you haunt Through searching Though every tear was bought
Age of despair But like an ember I flare him up Because I care And I’ve no defense From getting burned everywhere
I was in alliance with ineptitude
Love is like the beginning and the end. Alpha omega. I love you. I’ll kill you. But I love you forever.
You look like you are dying Bu you are already dead
As above, so below My aura is here to glow
This great depression.
There will be no headstone No grave From life to dust I’m not okay (RIP daddy)
Where are you? In every molecule? The early morning dew? The air I breathe on lonely avenue?
Where are you? If not but in every dream I dream? Clinging to the in-between? Wondering if I can be seen?
All God is woe.
My bed is overrated.
I don’t know where to begin so I’d rather not start at all…
Where have the best years of my life gone
At 26,000 light-years away, it’s the closest we’ve ever been- And if regret is a singularity, it’s finally creeping in (re: black hole)
I got cigarette burns on my skin Black holes where he’s been There’s cold creeping in A hundred reasons why I sin
You’re just her whipping boy You’re a tool You want to be her toy You’re a fool
I know not what holds him here I am a dry sponge, brittle The way time taunts me Like I am little
Give me a veil Let’s rest in hell
I got secrets that would disown me The way he’s unholy Still that’s my only
I wish Sagittarius A* would put on his parking breaks Throw me into another galaxy if that’s what it takes
I am a living statue To darkness, his bride (Well that’s a lie) Still isn’t he by my side?
It’s so dark on the inside Maybe why I cry
Banned under the same sunbeam From things I’ve seen Those things I’ve seen are haunting me
Take away the ray Take away the ray It’s burning
Chained to existence Wishing I didn’t remember you That’s coming too I won’t remember who
My eyes are sunspots Turning grey From things you say
Married to hopelessness Decay Mourning Sorrow Despair Isolation Loneliness Quantum confusion Heartache Wilderness Wonder Beauty Longing Truthfulness Purity Humanity All entities The air we breathe The hope we seek The light we keep
She built an empire on a pyramid scheme. She’s an evil queen.
The world can burn for all I care.
Sometimes Even under soft moons Or enduring high noons There will be casualties of war
And even when I face doom And circling is his tomb I believe there is love within his core
He’s been charged with possession of stolen property; my heart.
In the beginning there was nothingness. Now in the end, nothing is.
The only lines I cross are rhyme.
You are the cold emptiness of space Absolute zero You are the reason I lay in waste You’re not a hero
Come to me By frothy sea Shine your light I fancy thee
I was born into confusion Believe this, believe that It’s all delusion Best theory or illusion
I’m so much better than that flock of shit you summon Your mouth is the opposite direction I am running Your lies only come by the dozen You can knock but you can’t come in The darkness covers all but it’s my coven You ain’t welcome here again
You fool How desolate and awkward your thoughts lead you Rising plumes of gloom And I an idiot more To watch how hope you consume Bereft of pulse A necrophiliac You lifted pen then I had life But then you call creation strife But I died again after witnessing your child and wife
I’m a rib from your side A curse like Dracula’s bride Or Bonnie and Clyde I drink your love like cyanide Mixed with hope and rhyme
I am a dead sea A red sea A bad seed Devolving Unsolving Dead, see?
Death do us part
I’m tired of defending my actions against your lies From sunup to sundown I am wise I can see clearly with these eyes You can’t erase these cries
Loving him is a sentence to death row.
Why does my love always cause destructive tidal waves?
Did you know mountains were resting on your shoulder named envy? You let me crash on your soul in frenzy I’m dizzy Did you not need me?
Did you know moons were glowing with envy? Heartache cost not a penny But I got plenty If you need any?
Distance is The love we keep And even further The solution we seek
Life’s a waiting room Give my wound a womb Erase the moon Erect my tomb You are full doom
Now I owe you nothing Soul paid I’m reduced to hurting
Oh! What heavens I could reach with your arms!
Did you know when I look up I find you stargazing into my soul You know where every prayer goes
Dear Edgar, I can’t live without my love either But he is lost in the ether I can’t reach him neither
Edges of time his mind I go missing every time His rhyme Holding me to crime His line Wishing on a dime
Not everyone is created equal Like the ones who pull out fast then take it slow Those aren’t my kind of people
Sometimes, I climb into the ether where we met Heaven is risky but I took the step You feel like eternity in an instance Gotta keep our distance
Decided to write a poem without the similes but then it felt naked so I had to put one in. 😇
I thought Dracul loved Mina. Where’s my big love? 😤😤😤
*sobs*
My tears are burning
😭😭😭 helps 😭😭😭
Oh, I just wrote this. But the way my brain is deteriorating, it surprises me I can write at all.
Well maybe when the day comes that I forget my name that I’ll finally remember yours.
Don’t fall in love with a devil 😭
It’s purgatory 😭😭😭
But now I know why Edgar Allan Poe died on the street, nakid, possibly poisoned, broke, heartbrokes, likely depressed and drunk. And he served 2 years in the military, he didn’t deserve a death like that. That was not an honorable death. Welp. He better have a statue out there or I’m gonna have an effing fit. But whatev. Asteroid Apophis is on her way. End times will come for all.
Gonna die unloved.
Not everyone winds up with a burial plot. For many, they become dust in the sand. And it takes an extreme amount of heat to burn a body. Extreme to turn bones to dust.
I know you come to me From windswept dunes Hollow and calloused from time You keep crawling And I a mirage you are hauling Like dying dreams painted golden filigree Am I unholy? The way you hold me Like butterfly wings You’re now unfolding Reflections cast like starlight You keep me glowing
Do y’all get tired of my similes? The comparisons? Because Gwen Stefani uses the word “like” in every other word just talkin’ and I’m actually trying to use mine in a creative way. I’m just wondering how many people out there are actually annoyed at my creativity? Asking for a friend.
Thank you for top 50 on OF!! I am happy to be there and to have your support!
How do I find freedom when I am shackled to your will? And lonely do I travel when I’m crawling up your hill How I linger in your shadow ’til you give me light to feel And hour after hour I am at a standstill
I don’t know who is who? Turn the boy purple, he’s still you? And that one on the corner, he is too? In fact, multiple the number, now there’s a few? Or maybe there is no one, my eyes can’t trust the view?
Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.
Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.
I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.
Not everybody wants me to die.
FYI.
Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).
We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).
I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.
I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.
I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?
I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.
Tacos. I desire tacos.
And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.
Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…
I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.
I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!
I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!
I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.
And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.
So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.
I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.
I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.
But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.
I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.
Hormones.
I’m moody. Edgy.
Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.
It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.
I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.
I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.
I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.
Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.
Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.
Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.
Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!
Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.
Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?
Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!
My official boarding pass for the upcoming rover landing to Mars. It’s also nice that we’re starting to have more successes landing on Mars than we are failures. Which might account for the planned manned missions. Woit. Gotta stay alive for this. Right? This is the kind of roses that makes me really excited. Lifeeeee universe nerdy things 😍
Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. 😊 He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.
And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/
I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0
And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…
