Worth

He says, I ain’t worth a penny
Still eyes will stare, I am trendy
Fingers counting more than twenty
See me now, I am plenty

Spat on, shined up with envy
Tossed in water ever gently
Down into a well, my only entry
They all say that they don’t need me

Β© Delia Ross. 2020 @poeeternal

I freestyle write my poetry 90% of the time and always tweak stuff during the WP posting process. Actually, my voice will change based on my writing tools, which is one reason I want to get offline and get on a typewriter again. Starting to pick up pencil again too. And pen. Hope to move back into calligraphy. I have all my tools, just no energy or drive (depression). Hard to brush my teeth on most days and not dive off the bridge here that I’ve been contemplating doing since I arrived here and recently an 18 year old kid jumped off it last year. Right off the overpass onto the interstate I was driving on. A constant reminder the world is shit. I feel that. He made his point known. I knows. I feel worthless too. Hence poem + depression. Le sigh. I really could use a gig this year. The uni trying.
Bush = happiness (and Gav really likes me coming to his shows and I really like going to his shows even tho I act an ass of myself and curse him sometimes- yep he still likes me coming tho I make an absolute ass of myself) KING πŸ‘
I worship Bush (have since the early 90s). Look how Gavin Rossdale spelled my name, the first time we met (in 2016). With a little anarchy sign on the A followed by a little heart. UHM, I GET HEARTS BY GAVIN ROSSDALE. Sometimes I get wisdom and xoxo in DMs by him. Sometimes I tweet him that I see him on stage at a gig, he’ll respond via his microphone “I see you too” and jump off stage after soundcheck to come say hi and get photos. I need to do an entire blog post on my obsession cuz I got videos and photos on all this. Layer my tomb with all my Bush heirlooms. Like that time he jumped off stage just to give me a sweaty hug and the guitar pick he was playing with. *le sigh*
Last year on my birthday he serenaded me while dancing above me for like a solid minute and I nearly passed out, dizzies, FYI.

I’m just not responsible for how I act when I’m physically around him and in fangirl mode because I have zero control over my hormones. Welp. Since the age of 12. WHATEV. SECOND CRUSH. NO BIG DEAL.

Gavin giving me his superman poses at the VIP meet-and-greet last year for my birthday! I need these framed in my home studio! 😍

I do sometimes curse him but last year on air he said I tell him the most beautiful things, which is also true. 😊

Gavin giving me his superman poses at the VIP meet-and-greet last year on my birthday! I didn’t know what was going on because I felt him pull away and I thought he didn’t want me hanging all over him in the photos so I lifted my head off his chest but kept my hands on his hard ass abs and kept smiling not knowing that he was doing Superman poses for me cuz he was super happy I was at a show!!! So several weeks later when the photos arrived (and doing VIP was a birthday present to myself because nobody did anything for me for turning the big 4-0), it was like opening the best present 🎁 the uni could give me. Nine times out of 10 when I meet Gavin Rossdale and get photos they are blurry. These were not. 😍

People think I’m in love with Gavin but I’m not, it’s just a silly crush I’ve had since I was age 12 and I’m insanely addicted to the music, it’s a music fan / artist relationship thing. He inspires me in different ways. He teaches me life lessons. Like how to stay alive when you don’t have the love of your life (he lost his big love- Gwen Stefani- they have 3 kids together. He has not replaced her).

Gavin Rossdale comes from that alternative scene where all his comrades are dying by suicide, which are basically his friends and I thought that we might lose him too when he lost Gwen Stefani (divorceeeee via humiliation, retaliation, he got to hear “used to love you” while walking in an airport. She didn’t take long to move on either, did she). Two thumbs down.πŸ‘ŽπŸ‘Ž

But he hung onto his fans and he says that he needs us more than ever now. I know what he means. He promised me on air that he would never hurt himself. But I need him too. I’m an outcast. He knows that. He knows what that feels like. To be the lone wolf! For the most part he’s had to deal with the United Kingdom hating him. Even of today, they will refer to him as “who is he” (as if he is no one) or use him as a slight against Gwen Stefani, when it was her band opening up for Bush and not the other way around (he made her known, not vice versa).

Gav has seen me at my worse. He still jumps off the stage to give me hugs when he sees my face. It gives me the happy feels. To be seen. To feel I have an ounce of worth. To feel appreciated. Because to the rest of the world, I am invisible and just a number (including to the love of my life, who could care less of my existence. He’d replace me in an instance). But there’s nothing like the feel of when Gavin sets his sights on me, and is walking towards me, and I know he’s headed my way, it’s so intense, his expression. That feeling of, “he see’s me, he’s headed my way”, “I’m not lost in the crowd” and Gavin is the type of guy who never looks away from me, yet I always break eye contact!!!

Got hugs by my king at the stroke of midnight last year, which was my birthday. Thank you universe.

Or like when he’s talking to his other fans, he’ll literally keep looking back at me and I always run away from him. I act stupid guaranteed. But like, I’m a soldier and he’s a king. He’s why I do these things. Basic. I need the music. Always have. Not just his music or art. All the things. Music keeps me going. Grounded. Alive. Couldn’t have survived the Iraqi war without it. Labor. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Poordom. Life.

Music is life. I need another gig. This century. THIS YEAR. COME ON 2020!!!

Me today because 2020 blows and I’ve had zero hugs from my king this year. Meh.
Seeking a friend for the end of the world…
When life gives you lemons, tie pretty boes. Me today during the covid zombie apocalypse- and the CDC says covid-19 is coming back with a vengeance. Seeking a friend for the end…
Love during a zombie plague *laughs insanely, ties a pretty bow*

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16 thoughts on “Worth

  1. I knows!!! I nearly peed myself when they arrived! Best birthday ever (so far). Gavin doesn’t pose a lot or often, and other fans have pointed this out to me. The Bush army hate me lol – that black jealousy stuff- but Gav is the leader of the Bush army and wants me at his shows! I HAZ WORTH.

    I have a ton of photos of the actual band performing, which are amazing, but I’ve mostly kept my blog about my poetry. That’s about to change. Gonna start sharing more of my personal journey here as well as share the things that inspire me. Band photography and gigging is a huge one. And I’ve met lots of bands!

    Like

  2. My little blog making it to 50K from people reading my poetry is enough recognition for me. Now I’m okay with sharing my band photography. I made it to nearly 60k over my poetry, not foot traffic via any other means. I was never in this for the money or popularity. Or to try and sell a book – which seems to be the only interests for many bloggers. Or getting popular on Instagram to sell a book. Meh. Bored. Moving on. Not my scene. (it’s literally like an intellectual fuck fest of fakery). And he’s all up in that bandwagon. What a fucking shame. Still running with the wrong crowds… Le sigh. I’d rather die.

    Like

  3. Yes, that’s right. Just be you. The future will take care of itself. You can do brilliantly through your creative art.

    Like

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