it’s kind of traumatizing seeing and hearing what animals do to one another
i just don’t think i’m doing life right
it’s prob just a bored abandoned cat terrorizing everything God made cuz “it’s fun”, “it’s what i want”, “i can’t stop” cuz he’s no better than an animal and i just wish the neighbors that hear the laughing coming from the window is not of “fun nature”
the “bad dope” is in my backyard and when the state gave me CUD and i have to temp stop my pain and anxiety medication for 6 months – i wasn’t allowed to accept gifts or phone numbers no matter how tempting or good the offer smelled
they leave live rounds outside my window
and i ain’t never did them no wrong
‘cept that one time the gang leader living next door asked me if he could “live with me for 3 months” cuz him and his gal were splitting up (and i wasn’t gonna have to hear him beat his dog anymore through the walls) and he offered to help “catch me up on my ride” cuz “he knew i was behind” cuz we had some hurricanes out here that made us lose power for a weeks time and “love thy neighbor” (but not that much)- i’m just a big mouth (but not a narc) (or narC) and folks will never phish any info out me again ‘cept maybe “hell is real” “god is everywhere”
but i told him no immediately (despite having threatening letters by Capitol One that they were gonna start the process to remove my ride) – and so as if being sued by my creditors and having to go to court (for other debts) wasn’t humiliating enough – the judge demanding i take “3 full breaths before we start because i look like i want to jump from the bridge behind us”- and this was in a full courtroom
“the bridge behind us”
…as if that wasn’t humiliating enough i had to tell the thug “no” and he said “you can sleep on it” and i replied “i don’t need to”
and the devil got mad
said my back window would get broken
it did, the day before thanksgiving
and now all his friends cousins and brothers
make life hell for me
and there’s an undercover out here waiting on his promo
i won’t have anything to do with anyone
it ain’t just black people “we don’t talk like that”
i have ghosted my own father
why you so mad
“equal opportunity hater”
“we hate everyone”
so even if i wanted to break the law and “make peace” – i could fucking die from the w**d
I had a fucking addiction right in the middle of a gang war and like
i.dont.want.to.die.
uhm SOS?
it’s like every direction is trying to kill me and suicide is humane?
i couldnt breathe again and had to open a window and now the gangs think i aint living in fear
my third air purifier is arriving soon
30 days to close they say
i can’t manage to leave the very house that is killing me
this place aint worth dying for
these people
this town
im not gonna be able to breathe until i am far gone
i better stop laughing with the window open cuz dont wanna leave in a body bag
i simply told a man “no” and bam – despite my lease stating and having a clause to protect women – i have video evidence and proof of so much shit i have been through
enough to make someone die by suicide
“you can’t make someone kill themself”
they took away the noise disturbance law in 2008
and some of the things in my head that would put me on tv – are justified
“we only hire Black people for a safe environment”
God is gonna know when im back home cuz im gonna be slinging the devils head outside the doh!
im sure one of the cats will wind up dead cuz 3 or 4 have been murdered with a vehicle by a neighbor – and i either hear the cries and see the aftermath and blood pooling – or discover them cold and dead
and i hate the things but not enough to kill them
im selling my new ps5 btw
i already know i likely probably break community guidelines and this is minority report
and you definitely in the minority if you believe in God
so JJ wanted me to know that he would not be released when the floods come
anything over 8 will overwhelm the AI, i swore i read it – the updated blog post with tips on blogging and tags direct from WP (but jetpack or some shit)
oh… did light bulb go off?
can you give me some light?
i know we’re not talking to one another – on some deeper inception level i can’t understand but do
im so delusional or lost or disassociating or prefer dreaming to crying but i may have fallen for something i should not and have spent the year in la la land thinking i would never see them again but now it is possible i might be!?!
and now i potentially have to face the thing ive been dreaming heavily about?
is this what dying on the cross is like?
you’re not suppose to fall in love with the prostitute and im not suppose to fall in love with the doctor?
Do you think the compass lead me to the fog? And freewill, is that something we evolve? And my hopelessness, is that something you absolve? And what of worry, do we have reason at all?
Have you ever had your chest caught on the lip of the earth? And were you kicking in a panic reconsidering your worth? Have you ever been so hollow the upside down became your perch? And when all efforts were exhausted did you regret what you researched?
The story of how John Jones died in that cave hasn’t left my mind
Hands down, the scariest way to die. And he crawled into his grave. He tried Mother Earth on for size, and they became one. She wasn’t going to let him go.
Do you like me underneath the filter? Or when my self-esteem is low, that I’m breaking every mirror? Is my age something you consider? Do you know it makes me bitter?
Do you know I am a sinner? Or my life is growing thinner? How I’m like an over-thinker? And you got me by the finger?
I’m not supposed to be feeling like I’m already knocking on my grave
I’m so paranoid to believe / they whipped up the perfect formula to get to me…
So yeah, taking an aspirin a day now for blood clots – well uhm – to thin my blood out and maybe keep less clots destroying my heart.
If you already suffer from underlying health issues – you need to understand the risks involved when you get that goddamn vaccine
M’kay
People have died from it, it’s not a fucking joke
I have nothing to gain from being the whistleblower
But everything to lose
👀
The phone conversation went worse.
Why the fuck did I do that second shot
If you feel it in your fucking soul to not do something, you need to listen to yourself and not what the media is peer pressuring you to do and everyone around you
That vaccine is fucking peer pressure
I collapsed and look where it got me!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t wanna die in my bed and now I can’t even fucking leave it!
He moves through me like rain pattering Thunder rumbling Dim lights reflecting from wet pavement A calm serenity in the early A.M. The soft sound of a match flicking An in your face, after hours, door down kicking
He gets me thinking Every atom increasing Over wide expanse To find me dreaming
Sometimes silently screaming Can he even hear me? Why am I always seething? The endless bleeding Month after month He’s all I’m needing
Come back to me The garden is empty now There’s nothing to sow
Twisted twigs removed of thorn Every step is filled with scorn
Blood and rust becomes the norm Evil’s made and evil’s born
The sun will rise tomorrow true But she won’t give a fuck about you
I’m not where I’m meant to be I’m forgetful how You said you’d never desert me in vow
When you’ve been given the hand as a pawn So you shake the tree to see how hard a king could fall Because death follows you all around And fits your head like it’s a crown
Tell them I died of inexperience Disappeared into dust and this Nothingness I am delirious Feasting on nefarious Darkness Arrest bliss So restless
Half dead Half alive Feet dragging in circles But got throttle to survive
I’m scared And I have no one to tell My orders they aren’t in order And the place looks like hell
I keep organizing disorder In clusters of equal color And piling to the ceiling The clippings of my horror
But then, falling to a clutter Every single note he said I found it in the gutter Where all my tears flood instead (And fears instead of wonder)
I play slip and slide in the mud A word I rarely utter With thunder lightning mixed with blood With prayers less to suffer
Wrapped in heated wool and fear
Coyotes yipping at me to stay alive Or to die I can’t tell a difference half the time
The fog is thicker But my heart is wearing thinner And I’m sick of winter Freezing in the sun My hope’s a killer Stealing every grain of fun And he made fear a winner
The heart isn’t waterproof And my anger Is lit up like a sunroof I’m in danger So I’m acting like a goof I will hold your wager And toss it off the roof While you call a stranger Thinking they can protect you
👀
If you cringe at everything you do or say Maybe it’s because you are corrupt in a way?
I need a break from routine From sunup to sundown 24/7 The constant dying The endless trying One moment to another More yearning and crying
Tidal distortion Everywhere he’s been Pulled from proportion He’s good at sneaking in Speaks in third person Night is on his chin
I got blood on my favorite shirt Tell my heart it’s not the reason we’re hurt I cover wound with a bit of dirt I can’t recall when I wasn’t this burnt
Why did you leave? I ripped my heart open for you.
We need a heat source Heat is life Get me to the light (Warmth is nice)
He went like a wave And I caught in undertow
Give me a box To store my bones Let me have peace They’ll find a home
Everybody unhinged Don’t give a shit On anger we’ve binged So full of it I’m bright, I’m lit
I’m always last at the end of a road The last in line Last picked My house is cold
Two days go by It feels a year My hope runs dry But not these tears
Did I not wait with contempt As the hourglass filled with time Every grain of sand with you on my mind Was I ever worth an attempt?
IO
How can a moon erupt? How long ‘til I give up? Will volcanic ash spew in the wake of my dust? How can a moon corrupt?
He makes me desperate Feeling as if I am his least favorite But then he comes from comets swinging giving me the greatest gifts His words and his virtual kiss Then I forget I’m not his favorite
I called to him under darkened sky He arrived in a meteor shower With desire on display
Feeling like I cannot take a breath Or if I do, maybe it will spell death All these tree lines, they have marked my wrath Telling the truth, that’s my only path
Doc says my EKG doesn’t look good. And I’ve been having heart issues lately. She says one chamber looks enlarged and one looks closed off. Just an FYI because not all disabilities are visible. Depression isn’t my only ailment. I hope you’ll excuse how shitty I look, I’m on bed rest and between doctor visits. Wanna get back to working out and cosplay soon – But I just received this news this morning about my EKG results and I’m still trying to process the news. I just returned from seeing my doctor and I’m pending being scheduled for an ultrasound. She started me on aspirin as well. She said I’m too young for this and she doesn’t like how my EKG looks.
I have a constant pain there too – knowing that it could potentially be because it’s a chamber torn is freaking me out. So I’m trying not to get into my head and into my anxiety.
So to sum things up, two of the chambers of my heart are questionable and of concern for my doctor.
I have been having chest pains and I can feel pressure in my heart. Sometimes I can feel blockages or like maybe I have blood clots.
I don’t have the heart to tell you that I’m dying
Regret?
Yeah.
Only one thing I really want before I die.
His kiss.
And a box for my bones.
I had the bullets in the chamber though didn’t I
Moderna was Russian roulette but the CDC hadn’t released the information regarding blood clots and I know it’s happening in Moderna too, I mean I’m fucking proof….
I was complaining of heart issues and potential blood clots with my doctor and she prescribed me aspirin but I’m convinced now Moderna is to blame.
There’s always going to be casualties of war.
I told you I was out here in the trenches didn’t I.
Didn’t I?
So now I’m telling you don’t get the fucking shot if you already have heart issues and are experiencing blood clot issues unless you want to play Russian roulette with the vaccine and blow your fucking heart out like I’ve done
I didn’t know the vaccine was causing blood clot issues prior to me getting dose one and and all assured I was good to go for dose two even though my blood pressure fucking dropped.
Woo hoo hold on BB!!! The end is near!
Check make for the New World Order because they won’t have to pay me any more if I fucking die
I won’t be a fucking crutch on the system anymore will I
More money in their fucking pockets to play on the fucking yachts
Casualties of war!!!!
The unknown soldier!
They got me!
Knocked out whaaaa 40 + years of my life? With a fucking vaccine I knew was too fucking new and risky to do.
I FUCKING KNEW
*tries not to go fucking crazy and destroy everything in my home that I’ve worked for
*tries not to jump off a fucking bridge
Moderna is to blame and my shitty eating habits during this fucking quarantine
Modern medicine don’t mean shit if you’ve lost your will to live
Or can’t even get into the fucking VA for a fucking ultrasound when you got two chambers in your heart fucked up
Moderna IS to blame
Oh and now we can gather in small crowds with people vaccinated and unvaccinated like fucking Russian roulette.
👀
I just threw away 40 years of my fucking life over a vaccine
Going in for dose 2 of Moderna today against my better judgment. Dose 1 made my blood pressure drop really low, my heart has been struggling to pump blood throughout my body (why I’ve been feeling so cold) because my heart is struggling to circulate (it’s only caring about my main organs) – oh wait – not dying yet. Or am I? 🤔
Not gonna lie, I’m freaking out in the most calm way. Through crying. More stress my petite heart does not need.
I’m scared.
I’m alone.
All alone.
Gonna die naked on the street outta pure madness.
I’m losing me mind.
And my heart is weak.
I just wanted to be somebody’s favorite just once in my life.
I have a science degree in communication and can’t even fucking talk.
Furthermore, my brain is quickly failing me due to TBI, PTSD, chronic depression, acute anxiety, insomnia, paranoia, nightmares (war vet), and a billion other health problems not related to my mind. Like bone and muscle problems.
Not that you care. 👍
WOO HOO
I AIN’T DYING NAKED IN THE STREET
FYI.
I’m a broken fucking doll.
And just as soon as I come along and repair one tiny piece someone else will come along and break five more.
I’ve been physically abused, I am a survivor.
My doctor is begging me to take my fucking big pharma medication and I do good eating once a day, if at all.
I need to disassociate but everybody wants my time.
Wahhhh
Meanwhile, politics make me suicidal and on edge. My dad dying has taken me to new levels of darkness I’ve never known. I’m having to rip out my own heart, which is basically my muse, because he is I and I is he and all he does it make me bleed. So, I’ve lost my muse. I don’t even know if I have fucking air to breathe because half the time I’m hyperventilating from crying.
I live alone. During a pandemic. My pets are now getting on my nerves daily in this noisy apartment life. I want solitude and silence but apparently that too only belongs to the rich.
WordPress is getting on my nerves.
The air you breathe is getting on my nerves.
I am on edge and suicidal when I am not disassociating.
But there’s never any time to disassociate and I probably won’t even get to do that when I’m dead.
Justice would be coming back as an evil spirit and haunting your every move and breath.
Once again, I dare say Edgar Allan Poe suffered from depression. I am diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed.
Maybe I should start seeking a locket of his hair.
Since his hair is now a collector’s item.
I feel like having a Britney Spears moment and shaving off all of my hair.
Anything is possible when you are suicidal. 👍
Teddy is about the only thing that doesn’t trigger me. I found him outside one day by the trash bin. Not a speck of dirt on him. No odd smell. He came home with me. He got a second chance at life. He was simply DISPOSED and I know what that feels like. I do. Tossed out like fucking trash. It gave me a mood. But now he’s centerpiece in my studio and I’ve always wanted a large stuffed animal but no one’s ever given me one. I don’t get spoiled and I take shit home with me from the trash. Nobody sends me chocolate and nobody writes me poetry.
Like, you don’t know what struggle is until you’re finding nurturing in a trash bin.
You’d never catch me eating food from a bin though, I’d die first.
Pride. Ya know?
Teddy almost wound up in a landfill. And don’t even get me started on how much we waste resources.
Are you aware of that Stuxnet virus? I’m getting ready to buy some land and go underground. Good luck knowing my addy. Paranoid soldier? You betcha!!!
Seriously tho, I recommend you watching and learning everything about it now.
Also there are two things you need to know in the event of a nuclear attack (I.E. one of those power plants goes boom) :
1. Get out of the city and 2. Get out of the city.
Get out of the cities, get out of the cities….
If you want to watch a scary movie, watch that documentary on Stuxnet.
Enjoy me online while you can because I promise you I’ll be going underground. Unplugging.
Welp. I just got the warning about account deletion from Instagram. I basically said, “I made Santa’s naughty list, visit my OF to find out how”.
Many of us are having to spend Christmas alone and away from our friends and families due to the quarantines that are placed and I’m just trying to make Christmas a little less lonesome and gloomy for everyone including myself (who just lost my dad).
So going forward anything I post on Instagram will be speechless that is IF big bro doesn’t delete me from my audience like he just threatened to do!!!
I literally just had my shower and wanted to cheer up my admirers. For God sake I haven’t even had a chance to put my makeup on yet and I’ve already got a fucking warning from Instagram that they’re going to delete my account including all my messages and my followers!!! Please stop me from having a meltdown right now. 😵😵😵
Petite bums need love too More Christmas content coming to my onlyfans if I can calm down from big bro giving me an anxiety attackI was literally just trying to get a quick bum shot to promote my OF. It wasn’t my bum that got me in trouble, it was my fucking mouth. And this has been an issue since kindergarten okay. I didn’t think anyone would be interested in my tiny ass but I’m going to be putting more shots of it on my OF. It was just a behind-the-scenes photo encouraging people to join.
But Instagram has now threatened me that my account may be permanently deleted.
I think businesses need to start boycotting Facebook and Instagram to protect the little guy like me.
I mean I couldn’t even say, “hey I made Santa’s naughty list, find out how”.
Welp. Y’all remember when witches were being burned at the stake?
I feel violated. Do you know how long and how many years I’ve been working on my Instagram?
And just like that, they will take it from me.
So when I calm down from all this I’ll get back to getting dressed and putting my makeup on and doing the photoshoot like I wanted to do.
Fucking hell
WELP THE PRESS WON’T PUBLISH MY WORDS. I GONNA DIES IN THE STREET LIKE POE.
But, you don’t have to let that happen.
I’m running crazy good deals on my OnlyFans where I’m allowed to speak (kinda, you can’t say child or other terms I’m learning).
Only in America do they make nudity and sex a crime yet you can’t even watch a Hollywood film without there being some sex scene 5 minutes in. Nudity is consistently thrown in your face here but made illegal.
Thank you for your subs and follows and love, and especially all the nice things you’re telling me about my body and even the request you’re putting in (because I’ve now got some foot porn coming soon). 😍
And I have cute little Cinderella feet.
I’m also starting a new workout routine soon and I was going to share my progress on Instagram but I’ve received an eviction notice basically.
So if a musician is like “hey go check out my new track on my onlyfans” are they going to get their fucking account deleted too???? Because onlyfans is not just for nudes. That’s just one platform that sex workers can work safely.
I’m over 2020.
So if one day you can’t find me on Instagram, it’s probably because I’ve been banned.
Maybe my heart is a diaphanous veil And love is translucent but now growing stale Maybe his kiss is the all holy grail But if I am seen it is too hard to tell
Maybe I’ll always crumble and fail Maybe I’ll always be hung by his nail Maybe the truth is just written in braille Or maybe I died and so living in hell
Did you know that Edgar Allan Poe is my favorite poet and that poetry is my first love. I’ve been writing since I was a little girl. A living, breathing rhyme. You can support my love of writing by joining my campaign
If you dig my writing, you can support this blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
Why did you go? Where did you lead us? There are armies bleeding tears which swell and swallow whole moons Why did you take the light with you to leave us here to croon? My hope floats on fear all afternoon Sometimes the darkness is blinding And always there reminding It got you too soon Reason only comes in brigades of sorrow Where doubt peeks its head at tomorrow But cowers behind the window Why did you fall after the show? Now all the angels trow There are chains on the month of May The Earth pulling the days Our eyes are pulk You lost your way All the days are heavy Like heaven falling on its knee That’s where we plea Please don’t you leave! Where are the steps to find you? Our godfather of grunge Our black sun There is little truth in flame Are drugs to blame? You were the sun to somebody, everybody Every day We will remember your name I am the same Living decay Now where will the summer lead Where will the sun fade
Written for and dedicated to Chris Cornell of Soundgarden who died by suicide (poem and photo edits by me @poeeternal) RIP 💔💔💔
Chris Cornell (edit by me)Chris Cornell (edit by me)
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You break me. Only to put me back together and then break me again. And then together. Like the tide pulling. Every wave shaping me. Over and under, your tug and pull. I can’t escape your gravity. Tidal locked. Sometimes your waves are gentle and other times your undertow holds me down. Like the gravity of my mistakes. And your punishments are a tsunami. Drowning and then washed safely ashore. I ache for you in places I didn’t know existed.
When you return So too the tide And the color in my eye When you are by
The way I churn When you are near The stars appear My life’s not drear
Each wave a yearn An endless shore Where I want more You the seashore
I want to earn Your every surge You give me urge The deepest merge
My god when you rise, rise you do. The way you swell, swallow me.
I’m on a social media detoxIn case you hadn’t noticed
I love the wonderful feedback about my poetry, that’s why I’m now on Patreon which is an excellent platform for writers and artist. Can you help me reach my goal? www.patreon.com/poeeternal
Block the cold winds blowing from the north Frozen in time mistakes keep you from moving forth Like the heavy winds from the north You stop and weap Holding down a crumbling fort Eight days a week You carry regret like a torch Reminder: time is short
After midnight poetry. Stuff in my head.
Open quarters Small circles Blown mortars Follow orders Closed borders Such horror
All blurs No cures Blood pours More tours Four doors His wars
I love the wonderful feedback about my poetry, that’s why I’m now on Patreon which is an excellent platform for writers and artist. Can you help me reach my goal? www.patreon.com/poeeternal
He’ll die a hundred times before his death He’ll stand a coward as he holds his breath He’s never loved but that’s my guess Misunderstood and second-best
Look, I don’t think he is second-best but I believe he does and so he cowers into the man he will never be. It’s easier for him to die than it is to step. To become the man he could be. That takes real effort. Perhaps courage is what he lacks. He needs to go see The Wizard of Oz. I mean it’s the end of the world, no better time… And while he’s there I hope he gets me those little ruby red slippers.They will only fit my feet. Cuz he’s my home. TETHERED. And there’s nothing he can do about it..
No filter. All alone for the end of the world. *sigh*
If you dig my writing, you can support my blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (grateful for my patrons who are keeping this blog going): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
The emptiness settles over me like fog rolling over hills and mountain tops And space, there’s not enough to keep him from my thoughts He’s got the world in his hands while my soul it sits and rots Round and wound he tunes us up like we are clocks And reason not as simple as connecting dots So doubt fills my head now thick as clots
Hi my loves. My introvertness has met maximum overload and I feel I am about to go cause some trouble in town. Maybe a toilet paper riot is what I need after all? This social distancing is starting to do my head in. How are you holding up? Tells me!!
MANDATORY SOCIAL DISTANCING. UGGGGG OVER IT! 2 AM BOREDOMSI mean, it’s a good idea if you don’t want to catch the Corona I iz boreddddddd (2 AM insomniac who sleeps in her eye makeup and wakes up looking like a $2 whore)Make it stopsIf you’re going crazzzzy out of your mind during this mandatory social distancing, just remember, it’s a normal response.
Ahem, y’all ever have someone you don’t know, just randomly claim they love you? There’s a guy I never had one conversation with message me to tell me he was completely in love with me. In hindsight, I wonder if I’m reaping what I sow. Does the guy I claim I’m in love with think of me the way I think of this guy? I hope not. Him and I, at least had some conversations together, I always enjoyed his spoken word and he even did some spoken word for me once so I know what he looks like. I know why I love him. I know why he makes my blood boil and my heart beat. I know why my soul is connected to his like a tether. I know why he makes me completely black with jealousy. I know why I long for him and cry for him. I know. But this other guy who loves me, I don’t know at all. Anything. Maybe I do. Read the poem.
I iz confused. Goddess of Confusion.
If you dig my writing, you can support my blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
I give a little still they need a lot I swing for gold but miss my shot I pull the thread, they tie the knot I turn around then lose my spot
I bust through fears like it’s a door I’m exposing things I haven’t before I’ve been wandering for ages lost on his shore And I’m terrified our country is headed for war
Many are choices yet few we can choose And I wonder just really who could fit these shoes And I gave him my word and he gave me the blues And I gave him my heart now there’s nothing to lose
Been stumbling around and lost in a maze And I’m choking on fumes that came from his blaze Yet no matter how he hurts me the love always stays Maybe I’m just broken and desperate for his praise
I hear so much chatter but there’s nothing people say Yet ask them where they’re going they’ll get back another day And I really give my all, that’s just the price we pay It’s like we’re skipping first base and heading straight for the freeway!!
Sometimes I think a bridge is there for me to jump And an ocean is a gully where all my hope has sunk Sometimes I’m wise and knowing and other times I’m drunk But mostly these days I rarely give a fuck
Patience is a virtue and some don’t know the drill If silence is really golden, I am searching still He is just a sleeping lion ready for the kill And she is just a tool to help him seal the deal
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Slaves to the 1 percent Chained by the narcissists One foot forward ’til the other quits Mind says no but the heart persists
Damnation at the edge of both wrists You think it is love but you never have kissed He binds you so tight with the lies that he twists You cannot stop now no matter the risk
The devil’s tongue is hard to resist His hold on you tighter than both fists No matter your move he’s ahead of the lists As inch by inch you cease to exist
I posted a song uncut and unfiltered on Tuners Radio, despite my crippling stage fright. I’ve never even been able to do open mic night or karaoke. I’d love your feedback though. Go easy on me. 😇
P.S. my muse Alex Ebert not only gave it like but added it to one of his playlist on Tuners Radio (he’s literally won Oscars for his music but that’s not why I love him)!! 😍
Lyrics:
It was something that they put you through It makes no sense at all If you will let me carry you I promise not to fall
I can take care of you But only if you want I’m strong enough to carry you Though sometimes I may crawl
Hang on, hang on, hang on ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhhh ohhhh
Out there on the horizon
A glimpse of redemption
While crawling over ice thinning
And tethers strained from the tension
As the distance slowly lengthens
Where the darkness comes to listen
Reflections rarely glisten
Just a sight of mostly deception
And fragile connections
No regrets for him I’m guessing
And I failed another lesson
Thinking love was a blessing
Not another interception
Not a secret obsession
Gifting only depression
His attention another direction
I get no affection
Not even a chance for selection
Just a ghost in another dimension
And my hate for him I’ll mention
Over and over in confession
With or without aggression
I’m at peace in this session
Writing bygones and rejection
What again was the question?
If shame were a crime, you reached perfection
Now go focus on another erection
And you better get tested for infection
Because you’ll stick it wherever there is exception
How much pussy is in your collection?
Disgusting vile worthless tool with zero potential
Satin today
Tomorrow blade
A mask won’t hide his thoughts away
Closed doors to me are an archway
His absence is saying come my way
His distance is sky for my parachute
His bitterness to me is the sweetest fruit
I’ll put it on my tongue and savor his juice
His walls to me are just another route
Dirt was made for digging tunnels
Demons fall bored so may cause troubles
His desert to me is an open jungle
His masks to me are just more popped bubbles
Stuck with me on planet Earth The deeper you burrow, I value your worth The more you plummet, I feel your girth The more you love, the more I curse
Reality meet delusion
Don’t worry about confusion
That’s part of the illusion
If it weren’t for clarity
Things could be proven
So denial I’m cruising
And sanity I keep losing
America generica Land of the lies Freedom is an episode Where individuality dies Sheeple a dime a dozen And honesty he never tries Chasing his tail in circles Lost behind the guise
I am all the sweetness of a berry but I show him the sour of a peach
It seems my bitter tongue keeps him at a distance I can’t reach
If I could just learn a language that he and everyone speaks
If he could see through the lows where I have amazing peaks
I wish I could talk to him with my body
I could show him I know joy and naughty
I could kiss his lips and not feel a zombie
I could smile for him and not be so rowdy
There are so many things that I want to say
But my anxiety always gets in the way
And maybe if I had just one night
He could teach me so I could get it right
Writing this made me remember the nicknames my bestfriend (who died by suicide at age 13) and I had for each other, CREAMPUFF & JUICYFRUIT 😍 and we would say to each other, “you are my honeybun and I want to lick all of the cream off of you”. 😊 I LOVE THIS MEMORY. I was her “creampuff” *giggles* I am still sweet like that in the real world, away from a screen. Shy and nerdy but also a sexual beast. I keep showing the beast. But honestly, I can’t help it, it’s like my hormones are 13 again… Men go through their sexual prime early in life but women later… Like me, now. Send chocolates.
I wanna come, so then I go
You say go fast, so I go slow
You say goodbye, I’m at hello
I drop a bomb, for afterglow
I sleep outside my own prison gate I build a wall to suffocate And any trespasser I will violate Just come near me and you will ache
I am good but I am bad
I am happy but I am sad
I am boring but I am rad
I think I died in Baghdad
I am the pleasure but he is the pain
No matter the blood, I need him the same
I laid down my gun and this isn’t a game
You have the key to open my chain
He is the stable, I am a wild horse Maybe it is hate, I don’t know the force And if he loves me, it is only in fourths I have looked for love but I can’t find the source
“My indecision is final…”I always gots rosey cheeks and freckles (Alabama, circa 2015)Missouri (AKA MISERY) Circa 2007ishIraq circa 2003 Tennessee barely sixteen Florida circa 2016ish Tennessee age 18 with my 9 month old baby that I breastfed a solid year (my hair is nearly that long again *squee* but this is my natural color, brunette with hazel eyes)(Self, age 18, kiddo 9 months) A hippy goth in docs, nothing much has changed 🙂 (age 18)The 90s, the best and worst decade of my lifeI iz evolving (Florida, my birthday 2019)
He spins a web of confusion
He spews we are living in delusion
That won’t stop him from carrying on
His mask cannot hide his beacon
And without reason, I follow the action
I was taught love is twice bitten
Well, maybe his web leads to Eden
It matters not how many webs are spun
I crawl over fragmented dreams and broken bones
It makes me ponder how many hearts he owns
Are they easy to collect like clones
Does he cherish the ones dethroned from their thrones
The stickier the web, the heavier the bloodstones
The harder the heart, the more sinful the wrongs
The farther we part, the heavier the moans
The more you punish, the darker the zones
For the most part, I put all my darkness into my poetry, or my art, I wouldn’t actually bite his head off in real life… the follow unfollow routine might be annoying but seriously there are worse crimes. And I’m trying to refrain from allowing others to trigger me. I have written him so much beautiful rhyme, it would be a shame to focus on the few falls between. xxoo
I don’t know how but it slipped my mind And the devil’s first trick was well designed I guess purgatory belongs to mankind A week now has passed that I cannot rewind
He checked his watch, it must be a quarter past 3
And it’s been 2 days now he hasn’t heard from me
And for a change he turned on that dusty TV
In hopes to scramble thoughts he had been thinking
And somewhere in that tube the news was all the same There’s chaos in the streets and the devil is to blame There’s violence in the feed and no one feels ashamed Repentance is for souls the devil can’t reclaim
The scientists claim that it is global warming
The bible warned God brought down the flooding
Revelations hint of a second coming
The devil bets the world thinks God is bluffing
He takes a shot of whiskey while changing the channel
The voices mumble ‘there’s nothing we can’t handle’
And now the weather is showing that flights are cancelled
But none of these things can take his mind off his angel
He checks again his computer and phone He’s tried a hundred times her location is unknown And he feels the worry sink into his bone Her last message sent said she wasn’t alone
Oh my goodness, if you are an atheist, I am in no way trying to convert you and if you are religious this is in no way factual, it’s just fantasy. And if I can get to where I’m going with it, it’s an end of the world love story with themes of angels and devils and humans and whatever other stuffs I dream up. So far there’s at least four characters in the story, if you were to count technology as an entity (the tv voices, clocks/time, etc) and there’s a particular mood and tone and flow I am trying to keep throughout, not to mention I’m attempting this in poetry format, with some 24 lines each chapter/part (6/4). PHEW, IT’S TUFFS. (And I see people get likes on post that say nothing at all but skip giving me any praise for attempting something meaningful). We all run the same halls in hell. Whatev. If you like cool, if you don’t oh well. I still put up effort all the same. 👍✌
*It’s really scary me sharing this stuff, anything I do, I feel raw and exposed and inadequate as is, there’s always that fear of failure, that it isn’t good enough*
Lu entered my door bringing despair
He had it gift wrapped for extra flair
He covered it in agony to make it look rare
He had a look of concern but I know he didn’t care
So there we were both grinning –
Like in a game of chess but the devil’s always winning
The only hand I play is a joker never sinning
The only life I live is the one I’m never living
As Lu drew nearer he sat upon my table
Like an uninvited guest who should leave but isn’t able
And I am starting to feel very unstable
But my doubt only makes Lu more grateful (and we sat there through April)
Now the window shows that it is winter
And the fear is growing in my center
And all this doubt makes my tongue bitter
The devil got under me without lifting a finger
It’s like if I move a piece I’ll open Pandora’s box
And you know the devil can crawl just watch how he talks
And you know the devil can dance just watch how he walks
And you know the devil is purgatory just watch all the clocks
I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
Whatever move, Lu will condone
He is a step ahead, anytime I’m wrong
How do you knock a devil off of a throne
Oh my goodness, 3 was a challenge! Notice how the devil seems to be moving his way throughout my house/life in this series? The underlining theme in chapter 3 is depression (purgatory). As well as, how we need to be careful about the choices we make in life. I didn’t set out for it to be this way, it’s just how the story developed. I hope you likey (the 5th stanza is my favorite)! 😊
PoeEternal 