Do I mourn the dead?
Climb atop the moon?
View life infrared?
Worship things we said?
Forget about the gloom?
I’m dying soon…

© Delia Ross. 2022 / @poeeternal

It’s really not fair that the only things I have to eat are poison

Thank you immigrants/naturalized citizens 🙏

I’m so grateful that you’re here

*gets lots of sleep*

I hope I heal up enough I can get back to the range

Now I’m not talking about no fucking kitchen range

The Army taught me to shoot to kill

One shot, one kill

Make it count

Get them in the head

If you can’t get them there, go for the heart

Next, thigh leg

And that even know how to shoot my M-16 turned sideways wearing my gas mask

The army trained me with live grenades so I even know how to toss those motherfuckers

I trained with all the big toys 👀

My drill sergeants fucking loved me because I loved firing my weapon at everything and I hit the targets

Sometimes it would take me five minutes to get the grenade loaded into the gun but whatever once I got firing you know that’s where the magic was

But you’re timed lol

I’m a tomboy

When I’m not a sensitive little angel

There’s two sides to me, like a coin

Toss me, you might get lucky 🍀

The reason I might know things before they happen is because I’ve done this game before and I think that when you level up you get to bring whatever achievements you had before with you

Or maybe I’m just extremely intuitive and really good about reading the environment

That still doesn’t explain how I’ve predicted events that have happened that I had no control over

I don’t know if I’m gonna crawl out of this cave alive

Sometimes I don’t think I matter much but I feel like I would matter more than having an obituary that’s been out for a few days and with still zero comments

Feel free to blow my blog up but in 50 years anybody that knew me will be dead

I love you

Even if I don’t want anything to do with you

I want to ascend

I might not get there this way

But I’m not hanging out in a negativity zone

My energy has been stolen long enough by monsters lurking in the dark

All the gaslighting 👎👎

I ain’t no angel

But I ain’t no monster

Sometimes I screech like one

Sometimes I fantasize about being really fucking evil

But it’s soulless and empty

I was born with a soul

I’m convinced many are without a soul

They were either born without it or they lost it along the way or they didn’t do any good deeds that rewarded them with one while they were here

Your body is autonomous

Your body is a rental

I’m gonna try and return mine with only a few dents and scratches

I’m giving it lots of repairs now

And the love it deserves that it never got

There are two guys in the world who raised my awareness

I don’t want them to wind up like my sister

But that is exactly where they are heading

The singularity

Your energy is precious

You gotta recharge in the sun, feet on ground

The sun isn’t bad for you, sunblock is

The best times to sungaze is during sunrise and sunset

You can bathe in the light and not burn

I discovered something today

Your love feels exactly like the sun

Only I can’t really explain it

You take me back to the source

I can’t put it into words yet

But it’s one and the same

The sun and love

You and I

But I need him too

I don’t even know what my lessons are to learn here because if it’s not giving up on humanity I feel like I mostly have if the only two things I love in the world are illusions

But then isn’t everything?

This is all ego

It’s just a nightmare

When I die, I’ll no longer be

But I’m not convinced I haven’t done this before

I don’t have control over my breathing or my digestion

It’s automatic

We have to learn to use these bodies in these forms

We’re spirits 👀

Maybe there is a big alien octopus out there, I probably would have a heart attack if I met my Creator, I don’t know if I could handle meeting my creator in this form, could you, could you actually handle meeting your creator in this form? well OK but that doesn’t mean that earth needs to be fucking hell

Narcissism is a plague

I don’t wanna catch it 😩

I don’t want to lose my soul

I don’t want to die

My sister was TWO YEARS OLDER

And we were fucking close, I should be losing my fucking mind that my sister died

But I expected it

I knew 👀

And right now I just feel relief that she can’t hurt me anymore so

My dad would understand

But he died last year

I slept on the floor in my office for two or three months after he died

My dad left me a six minute rainbow

And then he rode the great Saturn Jupiter conjunction out of the sky

I wish I could talk to my dad about the Canadian truck drivers protesting because I know he’d be getting a kick out of that and he’d probably be up there himself

He didn’t like my sister either

He only left two people in his will

TWO

I hope somebody out there knows that I’m not exaggerating about dying

You both release chemicals in my heart and brain, which numbs me throughout

An ethereal warmth like the sun

My last breath I’ll be thinking of you

I’m on bedrest anyway

Dreaming is allowed

And, they should have given John a second phone call

It was Thanksgiving

He died on Thanksgiving

Crying now for him but can’t shed a tear for the sister

I ain’t right

Something’s wrong with me

Please help me out of this hole

I don’t wanna die down here

I made mistake 😑

My immune system is compromised and I’m gonna fucking wear my mask when I go out

But I’ve never had a Covid test and I’ll never get a booster shot and I will never get a flu vaccine or any vaccine for that matter ever again

I don’t even know if I’ll ever even want to be closer than 6 feet to a human being 👀

I don’t identify as human

Failing my lesson down here

*sobs*

I knew this was gonna happen

I’ve been saying it all my life that I was either going to die of heart failure or suicide

I need a gun

Because suicide seems less scary and painful than my heart going haywire like it’s done

2 chambers are working

Miracle I’m still alive

You’re better than any drug

Your voice, your face, your existence

Can I haz hugs before I die?

But stay away because I don’t want to get you sick or kill you

I don’t want you to get me sick or kill me

I don’t trust people

I don’t trust food

I don’t trust my doctors

Things are pretty dark

I just wanna stay in the light

I’m so scared

I mostly sleep in sessions during the day

I barely sleep in the night

So very scared

But, tell myself positive mantra

I talk to the things running my body that don’t belong to me

Water can hold a positive or negative charge

So I say positive things when drinking it

My least favorite thing to drink in the world but it’s mostly all I drink now

I tell it “thank you for healing me”

I say things, “oh you like that eh” after I douse it with the good food or drink

And then I say “have some more”

I have never been more hungry in my life but I guess you need a lot of calories when your heart and your lungs are healing ❤️‍🩹

But beating my sugar addiction has been (I think) worse than a heroin addiction but I don’t know I’ve never done heroin

I beat a Valium addiction once and they do say that’s worse than heroin

John was kicking and screaming in his end too, he wasn’t all smiles

Bless his heart, crucified

It hurts too much

All the animals we enslave

The dead are dying