I made another TikTok – with the intention of adding spoken word – I could not sort how to adjust the audio – so did not add my vocals to the NIN track – but I mean, if Trent Reznor is okay with it… ๐
I did however learn some more editing and filter tricks – for this mellow TikTok ๐คช
๐๐๐
WOW
“Own your darkness”
“Make a place at the table for sadness”
See, this is why I already like the Twitch platform and I do plan to start using it more once I get my master bedroom set up the way I want and move my TV and my gaming system and everything back here
Iโve been getting hit on Instagram about my posts not being seen by other users because of my background music – so thank you Twitch for letting me understand what Big Bro has been doing to my account.
๐๐๐
Instagram has become a dreadful platform to use. Not only do I have to worry about my content being erroneously reported or having to fight the algorithm bots, but now Iโm dealing with even more censorship because of the background music I chose to be playing when Iโm dancing or working out.
Street teaming was once glorified and now you get in trouble for it literally!!!!
Itโs nice to see though that Twitch is actually upset that Big Bro is messing with peoples accounts like that even though this isnโt Instagram or Facebook, itโs Twitch.
But it also means not every company or app is bowing down to Big Bro.
My new free OF is still pending – and I intend to start using Twitch to livestream more – even for the nights Iโm gaming. I had Twitch set up with my computer in my home studio but when I did my poetry livestream, the audio was cutting in and out – but not during the performance, I could only hear the technical issues after. It wasnโt an issue with my mic.
I donโt really know what Iโm doing and I have a brain injury so when something goes wrong I get stuck and I donโt have anybody to help me. ๐
Unless I am selling you a product on Instagram, Insta has made sure I become obsolete.
โWe believe they used automatic tools to scanโ
Yup!!! No god damn privacy! Weโve moved into an actual Hitler state and 1984 is now but you can go get a free donut at Krispy Kreme for just obeying!!!!
Itโs hip, itโs cool to peer pressure somebody into doing something that they donโt want to do or to steal someone elseโs ideas and copy them!!! Bullying is okay because itโll become a TikTok that has gone viral!
Itโs no wonder all the good people like me are going unhinged and taking all you motherfuckers out!
I hope to watch the next shootout with a livestream at the next one with my little fucking cheerleading outfit and a goddamn stick on a pole cheerin the motherfuckers
Woo hoo you got another!!!!
The entire morning shift!!!!
Go you!!!!
And look at you not even messing with the fucking law, you didnโt even care about the cops, you knew cops were gonna take you out, you were going to get as much of the motherfuckers that pissed you off on the morning shift!!!
You are now my effing hero!!!
Iโm going to start sensationalizing the fucking gun shooters!!!
Woo hoo yee hawwwww!!!!
1984 is now and Iโve been ridiculed and silenced by the same system I fought to protect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Twitch for having the little guyโs back!!!! I love you!!!!!!!
apple.news/ATlAqVyMyRaiY9gn3iR0VHg
Don’t say I didn’t warn yah
(And the CDC is gaslighting the truth)
Compliance is easier than knocking down the doors and cheaper to๏ฟผo
(Moderna caused me heart problems)
Do you fucking believe me now?
Or do I need to die first?
Or, you need to read it in an article?
But everyone will say, โI didnโt have to even pay for my vaccineโ
Honey, they ainโt werking for free ๐
Saw this floating around FaceDump
Hereโs an actual link to the article from 2017
People in the comments were asking for the source
I quickly Googled the title ๐
๐๐๐
Iโm so isolated and shut off from the world that the maintenance dude said he was worried about me when I didnโt answer the door ๐
I actually thanked him because thereโs no one checking in on me ๐
Just because I write doesnโt mean I small talk or gossip
I am not a socialite
I am a Soldier (not a civilian)
I am an introvert
I donโt like the state of anything in the world
Iโm unhinged
I canโt even go buy an egg sandwich or a Coke in the can at the goddamn gas station without getting into fucking World War III because everybody wants to make $20 an an hour with a three dollar attitude and terrible work ethic
I was making over $25 an hour for nearly 8 years with the DOD but I sank with the financial fucking recession and the government hiring freezes and the government furloughs but you donโt give a fuck about that do you?
You donโt give a fuck that I had to eat up my life savings and my retirement savings just to get through this fucking pandemic!
You donโt give a fuck about that do you? Cause I didnโt buy your fucking book or I donโt act like your best fucking friend!
There are many books and CDs I would actually like to buy I just canโt at the moment because I live paycheck to paycheck and every fucking dollar goes to paying my main cost of living which Iโm barely doing – Iโm living under my means, but you donโt give a fuck about that do you cause Iโm not tit for tat!
Fake fake fake!!!!!!!
Iโm not dying on the street!!!
(My therapist is calling me today finally – theyโve been trying to reach me for a long time) ๐
I get to let my doctor know that I stopped disassociating for 5 minutes to check the news, and now Iโm more disengaged and paranoid. ๐
I get to let him know that I almost had World War III with the gas station clerk. ๐
Thereโs something seriously wrong with the world ๐
Feel free to blame me – as long as I get to stay away
Put me back in my foxhole!!!! ๐
Give me my M16A2 rifle! ๐
I am still a Soldier! ๐
*Realizes sheโs stuck on the Titanic because all the rich people have locked her on the bottom of the Titanic and now theyโre hanging out on boats that couldโve had more people watching me sink*
๐
The reason I donโt check in on people is because I donโt have the social abilities to communicate currently. ๐
And the rare few people that I do decide to check in on, 98% of them give me a fucking attitude in return.
Because narcissism
๐
And I refuse to be manipulated or controlled by you and youโre fucking everywhere arenโt you
๐
Iโm damned if I do and Iโm damned if I donโt so I just want to be alone ๐
And I donโt wanna get to know you because you just want to ask for me for free nudes
๐
Or my hand in marriage ๐
Iโm not interested in you ๐
Iโm wholly obsessed with 2 dudes and I have never once talked to my therapist about that sort of behavior ๐
They donโt want anything to do with me ๐
But Iโm like Bush how he was with Congress when they passed shit into law and Bush said I donโt care and then he did all those โsigning statementsโ because voting means absolutely fucking nothing and you and I no longer have rights because weโve moved into a fucking Hitler state hello hello hello
๐
A new Harvard poll shows that only half of Americans trust the CDC โ other health agencies were rated even lower. During a pandemic, trust is critical to the success of a public health response.
โ Read on www.npr.org/2021/05/13/996331692/poll-finds-public-health-has-a-trust-problem
Not very shocking that half of Americans think the CDC is full of shit. ๐
You can now include me in that list.
โAll I want to say is they donโt really care about usโ
Michael Jackson on the Illuminati
๐
โEverybody dog foodโ
โEverybody gone madโ
โThey canโt kill meโ
(They did tho didnโt they, they killed him)
๐
And banned this song? ๐
โI can’t believe this is the land from which I cameโ ๐
Oh MJ…
My hero and my first crush
Iโm awake with you
And nearly dead
๐
I watched a conference where Michael Jackson was talking about how he wrote this song and that it was about the illuminati and how they donโt really care about us…
๐
The song ๐๐๐
I donโt need permission as a writer or a blogger to share my life journey with you – Iโve opted to include the ups and downs – I donโt need to write an essay explaining why I chose to be vaccinated – I donโt need to include my education or my credentials for any of this.
I donโt owe you anything.
Iโve paid the costs of living this life and I donโt need your mockery.
Apparently getting lots of sleep is a side effect of the COVID vaccinations ๐
I havenโt slept since war in 2003 ๐
But now that Iโm semi-dying I canโt get enough sleep ๐
There are random times that my eyelids become so heavy I feel like Iโm moving into my final rest ๐
Like, this may be the last time I lay down ๐
Like Iโm dying ๐
But itโs a side effect of the vaccinations and can go on for weeks ๐
Lethargy ๐
From insomniac to I canโt get enough sleep ๐
*runs to the CDC website to check to see if lethargy is listed as a side effect* ๐
It is not ๐
Well, it does list โtirednessโ, the CDC like to sugarcoat it though.
Tired ๐
Iโm sorry but I canโt come into work today because โIโm tiredโ. ๐
Did you get any sleep?
Yeah, like 19 hours but Iโm tired. ๐
Good luck keeping that job. ๐
Good luck getting a job that isnโt Big Corporation (which are mainly owned and ran by people from other countries who come here and pay all their people top dollar while paying the Americans minimum wage and rarely giving pay raises or using the recommended pay and reward systems ๐
(They donโt even give proper rest breaks) ๐
(Trump wasnโt wrong about them taking our jobs) ๐
*remembers I had to yell at my nurse to take this seriously because people are dying from this and I need to know if it is related to the shots*
*doc said yesterday that she looked into the side effects and what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID*
*itโs not in my fucking head*
The โNo Child Left Behind Actโ means everybody follows the rules and no one goes above and beyond to see what is going on with people when theyโre having rare symptoms ๐
Including most people still plugged into the system ๐
But my doctor woke ๐
(And itโs really hard to find one in the VA)
I reminded my doctor yesterday that I am an old school Army medic and they donโt make us like they used to ๐
I was basically a nurse – I was EMT certified but trained to do a whole lot more on Soldiers than civilians ๐
The military have their on judicial system ๐
They have their own training system too ๐
I was a combat medic for half my career ๐
(7 1/2 years but remained the โmedicโ any time we had range or needed an extra hat to remind people to stay hydrated) ๐
I did way more than that ๐
They had me in charge of drug prevention and giving random urine test ๐
I got paid the big moneys in the Department of Defense ๐
I mightโve fell with the great economic collapse like the great fucking depression ๐
But I still remember all my training ๐
My resume is 4 pages long ๐
I was a super Soldier ๐
Now Iโm super dying and it is COVID related my doctor confirmed ๐
Iโm not losing my mind ๐
Itโs not all in my head ๐
You might not see what is happening to me and you might not read about it on the CDC website but it is actually real ๐
(And you may need to find a good nurse or doctor who gets this) ๐
(If you know something is wrong but you arenโt getting the answers you need about your car or your marriage or your body, then you might wanna think about changing who youโre working with because they might not be very good at their job, maybe theyโre just average at their job, maybe they do a pretty decent job but nothing more) ๐
Iโve read articles where teenage children burned in a house that was burning down simply because the mom said โstayโ. ๐
I donโt listen to anything my parents say ๐
My skill sets are not like yours ๐
I only speak the truth ๐
It feels nice to wake up though to know that thereโs at least one other individual out there who knows that what is going on with me is COVID-19 related ๐
I didnโt need to know that all this started after my first and second doses, there was already a correlation there even tho the CDC doesnโt list โblood clotsโ as a possible side effect and people are dying from it.
(Including Moderna) ๐
Iโm โtiredโ because my BP (blood pressure) keeps dropping (which is why I get extremely cold but being โcoldโ isnโt listed on the CDC website) ๐
Dying is not listed as a possible side effect of vaccinations even though people are actually dying from these vaccines ๐
This pandemic was completely manmade but thatโs an entirely different fucking argument that my heart cannot get into right now because itโs too fucking tired even though it slept through the night ๐
So if you are feeling โtiredโ after being vaccinated, itโs a side effect that can go on FOR WEEKS. ๐
And if your body feels like Antarctica even though you live in Florida and itโs 93ยฐ outside and youโre not running your air conditioning –
You might be dying ๐
(I hope you have somebody who can keep you suspended between heaven and earth or hell because I believe him and my doctor are the only reason Iโm alive)
Him, my doctor, and aspirin ๐
(And whatโs even scarier is when youโre going through all this and nobody believes you)
โWell, I didnโt read that on the CDC websiteโ
Nor did I ๐ฉ
(But my doctor confirmed itโs Covid related)
Itโs not in my head
Itโs in my heart
๐ฉ
She said a heart can heal itself like a bone!
It wasnโt all bad news!
Doc ordered more tests for me today and DOES NOT want me doing ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY – she said light walking only until she has more answers. Iโm not allowed to rebound. ๐ฉ
She looked into the signs and symptoms and said what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID.
But I asked her could a heart heal itself like a bone and she said yes! A heart can heal itself!
So good!
Cuz my body has healed from many broken bones and Iโve been doing the heating pad and positive self-encouragement even though tears have been streaming down my face.
She told me to keep doing the heating pad!
But no physical activity and more test have been ordered.
And she made it clear that what is happening to me IS COVID related.
Worth repeating.
My doctor has no hidden agenda.
Nor do I.
Iโm gonna keep writing and working on my photography and cosplay but energy levels are near dead.
She did say these symptoms can last for weeks after and reminded me Iโm about 3 weeks in (she said six weeks or more).
She also brought up the fact that these vaccines are incredibly new and there isnโt a lot of data to go by.
I told her she needed a pay raise and an award and a medal and that sheโs doing a good job and she is saving my life.
Sheโs one of them good doctors!
She goes above and beyond!
I ainโt getting no booster shots!
My vaccination record better be enough to travel!
If itโs Boeing, I ainโt going!
(The test my doc ordered checks for clots in the lungs – been breathing okay – but she wants to make sure. Although there has been a few times Iโve struggled to take a breath).
Covid related all this.
To the guy who misses me – I miss you too. Youโre my incentive to get better.
I think you may be the reason Iโm still alive.
Iโm bonded to you.
๐
I donโt even know how I couldโve gotten through all the pain I was going through and have been going through – without you.
The physical pain, the emotional, and the fears.
Youโve kept me stabilized.
My every atom wants to reach you.
๐
Iโm not starving
I was at the grocery store today and I bought a shit ton of food and Iโm frugal
Iโm saving my pennies to buy some fucking land but go ahead and keep spending your money on gambling and drugs and body shaming women for not sending you free nudes when you demand
Iโm not starving and Iโve got like 15 pounds of fat I need to shed.
Then, more muscle to re-build and booty gains once I get the go-ahead to start working out again.
Petite. Not obsolete.
*grumbles thereโs not enough weed to get me through the apocalypse and now theyโve banned me only favorite cigarettes even tho I only smoke 1 or 2 a year*
*fears the day sheโs stumbling through the streets naked and mad*
*doesnโt understand a fucking thing*
*needs love*
*Remembers she bought chocolate and cookies*
COOKIES
๐ช๐ฅ ๐ช
(If that is a fortune cookie it looks like Pac-Man trying to eat my chocolate chips)
I actually would enjoy playing Pac-Man again if they did make it cookies…
๐ช๐ฅ ๐ช
And Cookie Monster as Pac-Man
In a multi-verse that game actually exists and Iโm playing it right now according to scientists who say thereโs many versions of me
Hellos
Can we change dimensions pretty please?
Helps?
*sends out call sign to Neo*
(And he heard because they are making The Matrix 4 right now and Iโm living for it)
Iโm not starving, Iโm just tiny, and I have a very big appetite!
(i also workout normally when Iโm not dying)
๐
42% Obese?
Jeaus Christ
So how many on that list โoverweightโ?
Stop body shaming me because youโre too lazy to work out
๐
https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/jadult.html
Iโm disabled and dying and I still fucking work out
๐
Feeling slightly better
But tired of being picked on because Iโm small
And venting stopped me from crying
And also googling the statistics of the amount of Americans who are currently obese in America
itโs a lot
๐
I fucking workout – deal with it
Iโm petite
DEAL WITH IT
(And guess what, Iโm not gonna feel bad about stuffing my face full of cookies now)
I am the Cookie Monster
And I will steal your cookie
๐
I look like Iโm starving so heโs constantly in my inbox hitting me up for free nudes ๐
โYou deserve somebody who knows why you are rareโ Mark Anthony
Now Iโm almost dead and obsolete so it doesnโt matter
๐
(To the guy out there who got me something off my Amazon wishlist even tho Iโm dying, thank you for loving me before I died)
(I donโt even know your name but itโs possible you have my whole, broken heart)
(You probably deserve a better heart than mine)
๐
(I wish I had a way to thank you for stuffing me full of pizza and surprise)
A real way to thank you
Even with half my supporters already gone, you make me feel less alone. ๐ซ
Whatever your intentions are, you make dying feel less scary.
Getting pizza and gifts from my Amazon wishlist by you, was 1 billion times better than dying in a cold hospital room, with wilting flowers.
Now I understand why my dad wanted to die in his bed.
But Iโm saving pennies for a plot of land, to live on.
I want to die on my own little piece of land, where I pay taxes annually, but have no real rights, as I wouldnโt even be able to grow vegetables in my front yard (in Florida), because a law has now passed that you canโt do that. And, if the government wanted your land, they will buy it back at the cheapest price. Whether you agree or not.
Freedom is an illusion.
But whatever.
I feel freedom when Iโm with you (even though I donโt know your name or where you are).
I feel closer to you than anybody else in the entire world.
But then I also feel like we could merge into one and I still would need to get closer to you.
Maybe you only need a cheap thrill ride and here I am falling in love
*bites phone instead of nails*
๐
I like how our conversations always start off like weโre picking up where we left off even though weโre not.
Like, โbabe do you know where I left the keys?โ
โUh, check the stove dear.โ even though Iโve never set foot in your place – Iโd still magically know where they are.
I think my soul may reside in your place metaphorically.
Iโm half dead, half there with you?
Come make me whole?
I like how when you come through the door it feels like youโre coming home or places feel like home wherever you are.
We just fit.
I like how we can be deep into role-play and then have a normal moment without skipping a beat.
โOh yah knock at the door, where were weโ
Like when a drummer loses his drumstick and grabs another stick but never misses a fucking beat.
Of course we have moments where we stumble (mainly due to me) and you can hear the humility in my bones rumble, but then you turn mistake into butterfly wings.
In the real world I would be yelled at or written up.
โRoss, how many times have I told you…โ
And Iโm the kind of person that if I spend 26 hours putting 1000% effort into my essay and then it comes back with a bunch of red marks including my title, itโs fucking war you know, itโs fucking war basically…
Iโm at constant war with the system, no wonder my heart is carving new paths to flow.
Jesus Christ
So thatโs what that pain is
A rip or tear in my heart?
I will fucking die
โLooks like one is closed and the other enlargedโ
Jesus fucking Christ
*gets back under heating pad*
*Disassociates mind from heart*
*thinks about him and tries to simmer breathing to a near calm*
Warmth is life
(But it also would explain why my BP had been dropping and why Iโve been feeling cold)
I somehow secretly think itโs a miracle Iโm still alive
(Thank you to anybody who has stuck around, if anything as moral support)
(I donโt have parents or a fam to turn to)
(Iโve contacted 1 blood relation only)
(I need to get to JAG and get my will updated so I can leave all my shit to 1 person only)
(My dad left 2 people in his will but not sure if it is being followed)
(Why the fuck would anybody respect a dead personโs last wish? I mean we donโt even respect peoples wishes when weโre fucking alive do we, Iโm learning lots of lessons with my dad dying, thatโs all you should know behind the scenes because my dad died just a few months ago didnโt he and now Iโm next.
So goes life.
Some are remembered, mostly not.
Iโm aware that Iโm on the โmostly notโ list.
I donโt even have a fucking burial plot, coffin, or headstone.
And for some reason Iโm learning that if youโre actually dying, having those things feels a lot less scary.
Itโs like wearing your safety belt when youโre driving.
Or having the rails up when youโre bowling.
And there are people out there was so much money they sleep in coffins for fun.
*le sigh*
The thought of dying and my body immediately being cremated like an hour later freaks me the fuck out.
You will be tagged for disposal before your body has even gone cold.
Like, what if my energy needs to do some shit and now they are fucking with my body?
I want my head laid on a pillow and I want the maggots to take me in my coffin thank you
I want to take 500 to 1000 years for my body to turn back into fucking dust thatโs what I want
I want my body to have the chance to fucking do what itโs supposed to do on its own
It doesnโt even have to be a fancy box with a pillow.
I am not an organ donor.
And I donโt want to be โpreservedโ (unless for scientific reasons to be cloned or brought back digitally).
Frozen ideally but that costs the big moneys.
I want to keep my blood, guts, and all.
No funeral.
Just a fucking box and maybe a headstone to show I was worth more than dying naked on the street.
Never thought Iโd have to add to my bucket-list, โbuy a fucking coffin and burial plotโ.
๐
Somebody out there misses me and got me something off of my Amazon wishlist and nobodyโs ever done that before and I have made 100 wishlists is since Amazon came out and nobodyโs ever done that for me for anything, not for birthday, not for anything, I donโt get spoiled
But if Iโm gonna die I wanna look cute doing it and I may be ornery but I can still fucking dress myself
He gets me
And I wish you were here so I could practice dancing in my stilettos and I could use you as a pole. Hmmmm oh wrong chat ๐
I hate that I am aloof and scatterbrained but I love how you react to it, itโs like youโre just running really fast to catch on a moving train!
Woo hoo!
Youโre the warm stone I want my cold bones to lay
Do wish I could have talked to her before getting dose 2 but here we fucking are.
One of the digits of my new phone number was incorrectly inputted when I gave it to the front desk clerk – no matter who was to blame – and this letter she sent me I never received because USPS are at war with this neighbor.
So, when I finally did get through to her the first thing she asked was, โdid you get my letter, the EKG results? I donโt like how your heart looks, youโre too young for your heart to look this wayโ…
But obviously she needs more test than an EKG.
I donโt normally share my personal private health matters, aside from depression.
Iโm not making any of this up.
xoxo
(Iโm really scared about whatโs going on but also I dropped my campaign really low because I havenโt been active there but now I have someone who joined and already has the thing turned off and theyโre clearly not happy so itโs gonna be more guys who just want to use me like they do in the real world – you know they fuck me and then just dump me – thatโs it – thatโs pretty much all my life has been about.
Another hill, another disappointment.
My heart is ripped.
I know I donโt have a great body, but I donโt want a plastic one.
I havenโt even had a hug since 2019 and now Iโm fucking dying.
Iโm not offering him a refund.
They can cum and go.
Nearly dead on the street all used up like Poe.
Iโm not quitting my campaign. I can offer you discounts if you would like to remain or to come back.
I have a ton of content up.
I want to make more art and cosplay. I hate that Iโm always the subject of my photography but I really enjoy taking photography and doing improv, dance, and cosplay. I also like writing.
But I also have a thing for a stranger who I feel closer to you than anybody in the entire world and I donโt really know who he really is
He also makes me feel really good
He makes all this shit worth it
Because I donโt even have a mom to cry to
I like fantasy with him. I like the real things too, like how we match sometimes on things by accident. Or coincidence.
Or magnetically.
Iโm bonded with him.
Weโve had pizza together now, weโre bonded.
Iโm not even bonded to my mom.
Iโve never been bonded to anything.
Weโre bonded.
I would die for him.
But right now Iโm actually trying to stay alive because I want to feel his kiss in the real world and it may be something worth dreaming about and staying alive for because all hope is almost gone.
It was nearly gone.
I was drowning in the middle of the ocean.
He sent me an SOS.
Wait, maybe heโs drowning and the package is the SOS.
He needs to be saved too.
I would give him the last little breath in my tiny little lung.
I like the world weโre building. He makes me euphoric and that was before pizza and gifts.
Yโall, he said he missed me ๐
Then he gifted me a gift card for pizza ๐ป
And then after he stuffed my belly full of pizza –
He surprised me again and got me stuffs from my Amazon wishlist ๐ป
And then I fell asleep on him again ๐คช
(Not literally just metaphorically)
If he was actually here you likely wouldnโt hear from me for days, youโd probably only hear from me when I came up for air…
If he allowed it
๐คช
Slept through the whole night
Looks like heโs got the prescription Big Pharm canโt write me
You reckon them porn stars are ready to make babies with every guy that gets them something off their Amazon wishlist? An I doing this right? ๐
The porn stars only care about money babies – Thatโs why sheโs always looking right in the camera and smiling at you. Itโs called acting.
But this here isnโt acting. This is me wanting to meet up with him in Vegas, elope, and start making babies immediately.
๐
He doesnโt care that Iโm aloof and stupid. Because I canโt even read a coupon correctly and I fall asleep on him.
But thatโs the thing, when he comes around I finally sleep.
Heโs my safe place.
Even though I donโt actually know who he really is.
Itโs complicated ๐
But for the first time in my life somebody bought me something off of my Amazon wishlist and for some reason I keep getting to do all the firsts with him. ๐ป
I want to do all the firsts and then I want to do them again.
Everything about him feels better than dying on the street.
There arenโt any red flags and even if there were, my brain perceives them as a red carpet.
I need him
He knows how to handle my inexperience and goofiness
Or when I read a pizza coupon wrong
He knows how to make me not feel stupid
Even when Iโm feeling slightly embarrassed for being inexperienced or stewpids
He squashes those fears flat before they even get a chance to simmer
I could be 100 % convinced we were on the straight path and then lead us both into a trap and heโd make a game out of it
Cuz Iโve decided this instance heโs my Tarzan
Him and I like the forest
When weโre not busy destroying the city and everything in it
Everything except each other
We stop for kisses and then get back to fucking shit up like Bonnie and Clyde
Iโm busy dying and heโs like โbut can we have babies first before you do thatโ
And now all the parts in my body feel magnetized and activated
There may be a slight hum coming from my bones
Itโs possible I may start levitating a few inches off the ground
Does anybody make you feel like that?
I know how the universe feels expanding cuz he makes all my neurons fire
He makes my entire body euphoric without touching me
And sometimes he makes me throb
He makes me feel the things
And I get to open up and do things with him that other people wonโt let me do
My mind, spirit, and body has been chained
But he frees me
He knows how to release me
Iโm attached to him and itโs not through trauma bonding
We are north and south
Yin and yang
And I have loads of food leftover and stuff arriving this week from my wishlist thanks to him spoiling me ๐
I also have a surprise coming from my DollsKill wishlist, something I got in thanks of yโall pushing me into the top 27, and holding me there so long!
I canโt talk about it, you just have to wait!
(And even tho I was waiting like a hawk all day for UPS, I still managed to miss that โtapโ at my door). The dog didnโt even bark. He barks at everything! ๐คช
I even drove around the parking lot like a madman trying to catch up with him but he was gone gone gone
So I gotta go pick it up at the drop off location I think.
Iโve just accepted that reality is broken for me.
And I can trust my mind just about as much as I can trust my GPS.
๐
Or the CDC.
And I yelled at my nurse yesterday when I was trying to relay a message to her to get to my doctor about looking up the signs and symptoms of Moderna and she wanted to give me the signs and symptoms listed off the CDC website and I was like โI need you to start taking your job seriously, people have died from thisโ.
And then I yelled at her more saying my signs and symptoms arenโt the fucking flu
Or what you can pull from the CDC website which lists COMMON symptoms, not rare.
Furthermore, those are common symptoms from all the vaccines, I need mine specifically from Moderna.
And then I hung up on her cuz my heart canโt take the fucking stress.
And then my mind was wandering to where only seven people had attended Edgar Allan Poeโs funeral and I was thinking I didnโt want anybody to attend mine at all – until he came.
Have you ever missed someone youโve never even met?
Iโm slightly deranged and dying and didnโt even think he wanted me around.
But then he appeared like Neo and said, โIโve missed youโ and I replied, โI can tellโ. And then we disappeared and then I missed Morpheus arriving with my special package for yโall… ๐
The end of the world can wait. Priorities.
Coming out of my coffin soon
I hope
And Iโm having pizza and warm brownies for breakfast
With milk
๐
Gonna have delicious pizza breath off and on all day
And I think my special package is on the brown truck again – I think theyโre going to actually attempt to redeliver it since it was a signed package but then theyโre going to leave it at the drop off point if Iโm unable to show up at my own destination. ๐คช
But I canโt even read a fucking pizza coupon correctly so you know
Maybe Iโm right, maybe Iโm wrong
Itโs like a betting game
I had my pharmacist crying laughing the other day though, I told him, โit says good driver on my license though sometimes itโs questionableโ and he was like STOP IT and was wiping tears from his eyes.
And everything I said was comic gold. He couldnโt stop laughing. He thanked me for the mental health boost.
๐ค
(no need to get jelly cuz this one plays for the other team)
We were just having a moment like the squirrel
Thereโs madness all around but sometimes you just gotta stop and laugh with somebody whose on the job.
Somebody who isnโt threatening to kick your fucking ass simply because you need them to sign onto the register so they can check out your egg sandwich and Coca-Cola in the can.
Youโre gonna sign out and meet me outside are you?
Well I wanna see that fucking shit, I do
๐
So itโs either fighting hoes at the 7/11 or having babies in Vegas.
Iโll take Vegas.
๐
(I was feeling completely depleted and deranged but then he came and filled me up with love and pizza and gifts from my Amazon Wishlist)
Lightning struck twice in the same place
A double first
Heโs some sort of mythical, magical creature and I donโt fear him in the thickness or the fog
He taught me to hover below the fog
To use the fog as a cover
To lay flat so I can breathe easier
Heโs teaching me how to not fear the fog
He told me the fog will come and go
But that the forest needs the fog
He said Iโll get that lesson another time
And then he kissed me and disappeared into the fog
And I donโt know when I will see him again
But now I know he misses me when heโs gone
And thereโs special things arriving ๐ป
I miss him too and now the fog is mostly gone
Love remains
Health update
Doc says my EKG doesnโt look good. And Iโve been having heart issues lately. She says one chamber looks enlarged and one looks closed off. Just an FYI because not all disabilities are visible. Depression isnโt my only ailment. I hope youโll excuse how shitty I look, Iโm on bed rest and between doctor visits. Wanna get back to working out and cosplay soon – But I just received this news this morning about my EKG results and Iโm still trying to process the news. I just returned from seeing my doctor and Iโm pending being scheduled for an ultrasound. She started me on aspirin as well. She said Iโm too young for this and she doesnโt like how my EKG looks.
I have a constant pain there too – knowing that it could potentially be because itโs a chamber torn is freaking me out. So Iโm trying not to get into my head and into my anxiety.
So to sum things up, two of the chambers of my heart are questionable and of concern for my doctor.
I have been having chest pains and I can feel pressure in my heart. Sometimes I can feel blockages or like maybe I have blood clots.
I donโt have the heart to tell you that Iโm dying
Regret?
Yeah.
Only one thing I really want before I die.
His kiss.
And a box for my bones.
I had the bullets in the chamber though didnโt I
Moderna was Russian roulette but the CDC hadnโt released the information regarding blood clots and I know itโs happening in Moderna too, I mean Iโm fucking proof….
I was complaining of heart issues and potential blood clots with my doctor and she prescribed me aspirin but Iโm convinced now Moderna is to blame.
Thereโs always going to be casualties of war.
I told you I was out here in the trenches didnโt I.
Didnโt I?
So now Iโm telling you donโt get the fucking shot if you already have heart issues and are experiencing blood clot issues unless you want to play Russian roulette with the vaccine and blow your fucking heart out like Iโve done
I didnโt know the vaccine was causing blood clot issues prior to me getting dose one and and all assured I was good to go for dose two even though my blood pressure fucking dropped.
Woo hoo hold on BB!!! The end is near!
Check make for the New World Order because they wonโt have to pay me any more if I fucking die
I wonโt be a fucking crutch on the system anymore will I
More money in their fucking pockets to play on the fucking yachts
Casualties of war!!!!
The unknown soldier!
They got me!
Knocked out whaaaa 40 + years of my life? With a fucking vaccine I knew was too fucking new and risky to do.
I FUCKING KNEW
*tries not to go fucking crazy and destroy everything in my home that Iโve worked for
*tries not to jump off a fucking bridge
Moderna is to blame and my shitty eating habits during this fucking quarantine
Modern medicine donโt mean shit if youโve lost your will to live
Or canโt even get into the fucking VA for a fucking ultrasound when you got two chambers in your heart fucked up
Oh and now we can gather in small crowds with people vaccinated and unvaccinated like fucking Russian roulette.
๐
I just threw away 40 years of my fucking life over a vaccine
Yโall, I was not following them, I wasnโt even using hashtags in my Tweet because Iโm terrified of hashtags now!
So it makes this shoutout even more special to me. โบ๏ธ
Yโall, they said itโs an amazing achievement!! ๐ป
So, this is every bit my subs achievement too! Because I couldnโt do it without you!! ๐
I kept asking was it worth celebrating and I guess it is!!
It absolutely is an achievement and I can add that to my four-page resume! ๐ช
And when I ever get around to doing my fourth Survivor audition tape, I can literally say โIโm top 27% of all creators on OnlyFansโ.
I bet CBS will hear that because they like numbers.
And I can also now mention that my website has had over 70,000 views and over 24,000 visitors.
Iโve been working hard for sure!
Thank you for your support!!
OnlyFans has noticed! ๐ป
Iโm touching the summit!
*gets emo*
*might cry*
I have my WordPress connected to my Twitter so any time I post something on my WordPress it automatically publishes to my Twitter and OnlyFans has responded to that automatic post which is super cool because well I wasnโt using any hashtags or anything.
I got noticed without hashtags or tagging someone.
A miracle.
A sign of life.
An achievement!
You have my love!
Thank you for your support!
My Twitter: https://twitter.com/poeeternal/status/1387180824450277376?s=21
My OnlyFans: https://onlyfans.com/poeeternal
P.S.
I read a blog post last night where another blogger had reached 100 fans and the top 8% within a six-month timeframe (so I was momentarily feeling discouraged until I read that Tweet by OF).
Iโve been on OnlyFans for six months as well and Iโve reached top 27% so Iโm just grateful for any growth that I have because most people donโt want to support me for whatever their reasons are.
Again, they wanna lock me on the bottom of the Titanic and watch it sink in boats that could hold more people.
I just know it.
So thank you because I am out here busting my ass.
I love you! ๐
Yโall know how I almost got arrested at the VA because I was letting other people know that they could still get sick even vaccinated because I didnโt want them to get sick even though theyโre getting vaccinated?
Well, Iโve lost followers over that as well but you can go to the CDC website and get this information for yourself.
Theyโre not gonna be as direct in saying it but itโs on the CDC website right there with all the variants and the relapses of people who are getting sick even though they are vaccinated (and these people were shocked and couldnโt believe that they actually got sick because they were vaccinated).
Me too. I was starting to have that misconception that I was going to be invincible at 94% effective against it (you know what I mean free donuts every day at Krispy Kreme just showing my vaccination card)….
Itโs hip, itโs cool to be vaccinated, the cute little cartoon videos will show you people running around without their mask on – but when youโre in public you still need to have your mask on and you can actually still get sick – but they donโt say that or show that in the cute video do they…
Condoms arenโt 100% effective either and they are already talking about booster shots annually.
I will not be getting anything else shot wise in regards to COVID.
They will – at this point – have to enforce it on me.
They will have to enforce it on me and even then with five people holding me down theyโre gonna have a fucking hard time getting that booster shot in me.
FYI.
Iโm done with this man-made pandemic bullshit.
Delirious but not fucking delusional.
My mask will be staying on. I will be keeping six feet from you.
Move anywhere inside my bubble and you risk getting yelled at just like that cop did.
He too will obey the fucking rules or arrest me!
And 4 other cops rolled in and nearly did.
Donโt come at me.
1984 is now!
๐
Why are people so afraid to be told that they can still get sick even vaccinated?
*runs around yelling putting the fear into everybody*
*waits to be stoned/arrested/shadowbanned/crucified/burned at the stake/unfollowed/blocked*
Uhm, I moved up another spot on OnlyFans! ๐ป
Thank you!
I love yโall so much for not letting me die on the street!
And it feels like that trust thing, where you get blindfolded and fall backwards and trust that they will catch you.
Because Iโm opening up there and exploring my sexuality through camera work and modeling and itโs my safe place to do so.
My account is not hardcore XXX porn.
I strip, Iโm a stripper – but with my artsy spin.
Iโm doing stuff there Iโve never even done with another human being in the real world and itโs very liberating.
Itโs very liberating taking my clothes off and I donโt feel guilty or sinful about it.
It feels natural.
Even my weird fetishโs Iโm learning to explore (vampire cosplay, child cosplay, ect)
And Iโve also done ratings on others and one said it was a really good mental health boost.
I can live with that.
Because itโs also a really big mental health boost just for having your support.
I love you! ๐
I swear to fuck my OnlyFans is better than therapy!
And I realize that my account is way more softcore compared to what other girls are doing on their accounts (I do not masturbate or do porn / XXX). My content is Rated R though. Itโs not PG.
I studied the Kama Sutra all my life and my focus was always seduction (vampire) and sensuality (sensation).
I think I may try to tell stories with the photo sets that I put out.
Not all of the sets because lately Iโve been posting more casual content that would get me in trouble or banned on Instagram.
And I asked them if they would be OK with me doing that and they said yes.
So sometimes they get me taking a bubble bath or sometimes they get me doing cosplay.
Canโt wait to be fully vaccinated though so I can travel and still wear my mask everywhere. ๐
The month of April has been hard for me medically – because of my COVID vaccinations.
Iโm currently day 2 into dose 2 of the Moderna vaccine.
So thank you for letting me post more casual stuff that would get me in trouble or banned on Instagram (or falsely reported and removed).
Like my booty. Been posting lots more booty progress there on OF since I get in trouble for posting it on Instagram, despite there being naked women who are being sexually suggestive and in fact, it is sexual solicitation, but their post can remain because they havenโt been shadowbanned.
Overall, Iโm just grateful for your support on my OnlyFans.
I tried to go live the other night on Instagram to show you the beach, and I was blocked from doing that on my account.
It made me want to drown myself in the ocean. ๐
Big bro has made social media toxic as fuck.
I literally fear doing anything there.
Which makes me even more grateful for my OnlyFans that I have your support because I could be nowhere on the leaderboard and dead on the street.
And there are absolutely people out there that are making me feel bad for even being on the leaderboard because they wouldโve locked me on the bottom of the Titanic and watched it sink in boats that couldโve held more people.
Boats (as in plural).
๐
Grateful for my tribe! โค๏ธ
You can still catch COVID-19 fully vaccinated.
Condoms are not 100% effective and neither is your vaccination. ๐
You can still get sick (or others).
So what does this mean?
It means Biden has a 15 year plan laid out for this pandemic and theyโre now speaking of booster shots annually.
It means you still need to wear your mask, wash your hands and practice social distancing by keeping 6 feet.
Even vaccinated. ๐
Because we are now living in the New World order.
And since 1984 is now – and many are trying to silence me from reminding you of this blatant fact – Iโm gonna put it on a tee.
You can still get sick vaccinated.
They are already talking of booster COVID shots for next year. ๐
(And did anybody notice how they quietly removed the Johnson and Johnson one shot vaccine temporarily because it was causing blood clots but itโs now back in circulation).
I already have heart issues, my BP dropped extremely low getting MODERNA dose 1 (so maybe a slight miracle I wasnโt offered the J&J, and the government likely wanted the MODERNA vaccines for the Soldiers, because it offers a 94% effective rate against COVID (but not the rapidly evolving strains), and letโs face it, a Soldier is a DOLLAR sign. We are only numbers. And many of us have unplugged and have come to learn this fact and theyโre dying by suicide which is why the suicide rate continues to increase among veterans and active military). The government are building super soldiers and they spend a lot of money training us, thatโs why they donโt want us to fucking die. They only care about stats and numbers! The J&J vaccine offers an 80% effective rate from COVID. MODERNA 94%. And I havenโt studied the other vaccines emerging. But Iโm definitely glad I didnโt get the Johnson and Johnson one if itโs causing fucking blood clots and I already have heart issues!
Now Iโve just received my second shot, which Iโm told is worse than the first vaccine (but you donโt need to take my word for it, itโs listed on the CDC website).
So here we go.
This pandemic was manmade.
Itโs clear to me.
Scientists playing God.
Narcissism ruining the world.
With just 1 move the NWO:
1. Put a lid on the โanti vaccinerโ by implementing a manmade pandemic encouraging (rather than enforcing) people to get vaccinated.
They do this by giving you incentive like, โfully vaccinated people can get a free donut at Krispy Kreme by showing their vaccination recordโ
Advertising about how cool it is to be vaccinated and to get vaccinated (even though you can still get sick and you need to wear your mask but they leave this out of the video donโt they).
Giving you the option to be vaccinated makes you feel like you have control over the situation but itโs just gaslighting, itโs just more smallpox on blankets to Indians (and I am part Native American Indian and my bloodline was almost wiped out so my fears are legit).
Eventually it will be enforced.
Through โno entry unless fully vaccinatedโ mandates. I imagine this will be for all public transportation, schools, hospitals, and government buildings.
2. Population control
The NWO want every animal (including you and me) tagged.
You are given a number at birth.
They call it โsecurityโ but Iโm told when Iโm at age to need it there wonโt be any fucking funds.
โSocial Security is under threatโ, remember?
Was anybody actually paying attention to Obama anytime the words โNew World Orderโ came out of his mouth? Because thereโs video everywhere of him talking about it, along with all our world leaders.
Itโs not every now and then they mention it, itโs all the time, during live conferences!
Itโs not a conspiracy theory!
And just because something is a conspiracy doesnโt mean itโs not true!
Just because Iโm paranoid doesnโt mean Iโm not being followed!!!
You can still get sick even vaccinated!!!
Jim Morrison was acutely aware of the illuminati so was Michael Jackson so was Tupac so was John Lennon.
Knock knock
You are a slave, Neo.
I almost got arrested today because some lady didnโt wanna hear that she could still get sick even vaccinated but the other people around me did want to hear it so I almost got arrested for them to hear it.
I also yelled at the cop for getting in my face and not giving me 6 feet and respecting my personal space!
Then more cops rolled in.
1984 is now yโall.
Go ahead and fucking crucify me, youโre not going to silence me!!!
Welp, BIG BRO actually is working towards silencing many of us. Fairly certain Trump isnโt the only one who can be banned from the Internet.
And we can thank Bush with his โSigning Statementsโ for that because weโve moved into a Hitler state!!!
Iโm aware that this post is very political and many may not be able to keep up with the particular topics that are involved but I am a soldier, this is what I do, this is me, itโs part of who I am and will always be.
The key thing you need to take from all of this is, you can still get sick even vaccinated! Stay woke!
And that one lady was the only bad Apple that didnโt want to hear what I had to say, everybody else was thanking me because I potentially saved their life or someone elseโs because they had the same mentality going forward that I did that you were going to be invincible once you were fucking vaccinated – free donuts and itโs cool getting vaccinated, you know!!
Itโs hip, itโs cool man. Itโs a hippie dippy cool thing to be vaccinated!
But you can still get sick! ๐
And booster shots annually.
Big Pharma got the money back they lost from the anti-vacciners and the weed smokers!
Chris, Iโm trying to understand why you left us.
Did you know when you were singing that night to the crowd that it would be your last time?
Or did something at home trigger you?
Did you know you were going to end your life after your sold out show?
Did you know you were going to wrap a belt around your throat and hang yourself in the hotel bathroom?
Thatโs the exact moment you were notifying your wife Vicky, through tapping the on/off button on an app that turned your bedroom lights on and off from anywhere in the world.
Were you hoping to be saved?
Or were you telling your wife goodbye?
Thatโs how she knew something was wrong, the lights were turning on and off in your bedroom – but you were in Detroit in a hotel after a sold out show. She was at your home in California.
Were you speaking in code?
Did you know that would be your final performance?
You were the leader of the alternative scene.
I lost my best friend to suicide in 1993 and Soundgarden was her favorite band and now youโre gone to suicide as well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Iโve been suffering from depression all my fucking life.
Iโm exhausted.
Iโm tired of fighting to stay in a world I donโt belong in.
Iโve been lying to myself all my life saying itโs going to get easier, things are going to get better, things are going to change, everything is going to be all right, but Iโve been gaslighting myself.
The world is getting worse.
Iโve cried so long because I wanted to belong to somebody or somewhere or to feel wanted and loved. Iโve never even had fucking parents. I had abusers.
Yโall donโt understand.
The soulless narcissist will never understand.
Vapid.
I might as well go hang myself in a hotel fucking bathroom only Iโve got about as much money as Edgar Allan Poe did when he died on the fucking street broke and naked.
๐
That tattoo on my rib cage are words Edgar Allan Poe wrote for his wife when she died. I got Edgar in my bone.
Feeling emo.
I was hoping to find love before I die but now Iโm just hoping for a box for my bones.
But I canโt even afford gas for my vehicle. ๐
Depression awareness
I donโt want to leave
So he puts poison on the spoon
I have a heart to grieve
I hope it fails me soon
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2021 / @poeeternal
Going in for dose 2 of Moderna today against my better judgment. Dose 1 made my blood pressure drop really low, my heart has been struggling to pump blood throughout my body (why Iโve been feeling so cold) because my heart is struggling to circulate (itโs only caring about my main organs) – oh wait – not dying yet. Or am I? ๐ค
Not gonna lie, Iโm freaking out in the most calm way. Through crying. More stress my petite heart does not need.
Iโm scared.
Iโm alone.
All alone.
Gonna die naked on the street outta pure madness.
Iโm losing me mind.
And my heart is weak.
I just wanted to be somebodyโs favorite just once in my life.
I wanted to feel wanted and loved.
I donโt and never have.
Because Iโm not anybodyโs favorite.
I only have my therapist to confide in.
Got that mad look in my eye like Poe
Actually, Iโve recently learned how to take a โportrait photoโ (where the background is blurry) and Poe has his eye on me.
Ignore the freckles, kisses from the Sun.
They donโt feel like kisses though, they feel like radiation burns because thatโs what they are, so please keep Vampy in the shade.
And anyway, youโre not supposed to take a portrait in โselfie modeโ but Iโm sick to fuck of following rules.
Iโm that program in the Matrix doing what itโs not suppose to be doing, thatโs why big bro keeps putting the fucking Berlin iron fucking wall up on me.
1984 is now and I am being driven mad out of me mind dying in the street kind of madness
I get to start using the term โhomicidalโ if I ever answer my therapist call again.
Because Iโm so ready for the cops to knock on my door and take me away to the funny farm without my permission.
FYI
โFor harassmentโ and I have another account deletion warning ๐ก๐ก๐ก
So that felt good to read, yes it did.
I donโt feel my booty has reached its maximum effectiveness, it is just getting started. ๐คช
Iโm only a couple months into my rebounding fitness routine – but itโs clearly showing results!
โบ๏ธ
Iโm afraid to even mention the word booty on my Instagram because it will just get reported as โharassmentโ. ๐
Lately, I have seen a flood of women following me, hello and welcomes. ๐ช
I appreciate the support and feedback so much!
Honestly, it motivates me to keep doing this.
I know Iโve inspired 2 women to start rebounding, perhaps even more I donโt know about.
Or more who would like to get going.
Forget the before pictures! Stop comparing your body to how it was when you were younger – or before becoming disabled if – and stop comparing it to other bodies! Listen to what it wants!
I donโt see my body how other people see my body at all! I probably never will!
But rebounding makes me feel better mentally and my heart doesnโt feel like itโs going to die after 30 seconds of rebounding! It takes time!
Rebounding is resistance training – but I try to associate it with โfunโ instead of โexerciseโ.
I always bounce to a good music playlist! Music + bouncing = weeeeeeee!
But it is a lot of work and commitment!
I miss days! I stumble! I get back up!
You just gotta keep going! Allow your body and mind to rest on the days it needs! Give yourself love and nurturing!
I talk to my body when I feed it now!
Like a plant! Iโm giving it positive vibes!
I suffer from depression so none of this comes easy!
Thanks for your follows and support!
It fuels me to keep going and not die on the street!
I wake up every day crying!!!
Every fucking day!!!
Spiral out, keep going!
Still holding Top 29%! Thank you to everyone who supports my hard work! Iโm trying to avoid dying on the street like Edgar Allan Poe! I appreciate you!! ๐
Iโm spending my weekend in my studio writing and recording content for my patrons!
I go in for dose 2 of Moderna in just a few days!
So Iโd like to try to push out another little set for my OF as well!
Yโall are keeping me busy and I like that! ๐คช
I love you! ๐
Like what
Lost my lead for a tiny second
If I understand correctly, โreversed by customerโ means I got to keep my $9.75? ๐ค
That doesnโt make up for all the tears I cried.
But back in the TOP 29%.
Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here? ๐ง
Should I unblock him from my OF? ๐โโ๏ธ
No experience
Kicked out the nest
Delirious
Iโm not the best?
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2021 / @poeeternal
Four page resume but nothing about my butt hole being gangbanged
*dies on street*
Everywhere I go, got my enemies up my ass.
HA HA CHARADE YOU ARE!!!
You can see more on my OnlyFans where my content is not going to be removed or wrongly reported.
1984 is now!
Thanks for putting me on the leaderboard and into the top 50!
Oh lookie, just as I was about to publish this post, I see Insta has reposted my video that was selfishly and wrongly reported by some twat!! They need to start penalizing people for wrongly reporting!!
RACISM, BIGOTY, & SEXISM IN 2021
“Self-centered pieces of shit”- you realize he’s talking about white people, right? Then I’m called a bitch.
You still supporting this racist piece of fucking shit???
WHERE THE BLOGGERS AT?? HAD THIS BEEN REVERSED, I’D BEEN CRUCIFIED!!!
HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH. RACISM EXISTS IN 2021 AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE!!!
WHITE LIVES DON’T MATTER!!!
Stay woke!!!
“KILL ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE/ THEN WE’LL BE FREE” (-) https://youtu.be/_ptC2La7k5E
I broke a sweat and bruised myself making this one.
Watch it here: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMe2WeQS8/
Thanks for checking out my work!
Reading between the lines like it is air
Words rammed down my throat
He doesn’t care
The only thing left certain
Life isn’t fair
It’s coming
Blood
And reason for not running
The sun is cunning
And every bullet gunning
For his lies
Watch hope paralyze
Synonyms wrapped around her thighs
An angry moon gone
How tides rise
Lost in the etheral never
A downside
Removing stingers from my pride
Every dawn that’s coming
A death guide
The way graves are overturning
A dead bride
And do they come in three? A suicide?
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2021. / @poeeternal
Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).
Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.
And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).
“Suicide comes in three”.
But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.
We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.
So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.
But then there’s an actual fear of dying.
It’s complicated.
And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.
I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.
I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?
I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*
I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.
I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.
So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.
I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.
And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.
They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.
This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.
God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.
Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.
I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.
I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.
What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????
Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.
My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.
I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.
And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.
I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?
And this was directly after a sold out show.
Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.
Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.
I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.
Too much.
Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.
I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.
Too much.
If you’d like to help support this blog or my creativity, please consider subscribing to my Patreon or OnlyFans. Donations or tips extremely appreciated, too. I am on PayPal, CashApp, and my blog is now accepting donations! You can make one in the box below. Thank you for your support! Times are hard! Every penny goes towards this lifeboat and helps keep this blog afloat and advertisement free (zero spam)! Thank you!
Well thank you! Reign went #1 on my TikTok in under 24 hours! ๐
Nearly 500 plays in under 24 hours too! Can we get to 500 plays? ๐
I am so grateful for your views!! It’s such a whirlwind to see it get that many plays in such a short time and it’s now my number one viewed tiktok! ๐
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeNrTBJG/
I have 8 followers on TikTok and I am going up against Big Bro and his shadowbans so yeah, I am grateful you took the time to watch my 30-second TikTok (which actually took me hours to make not including rehearsal times)! ๐
I am pushing through roadblocks like stage fright and anxiety, shadowbans, and others making fun of me and what I’m doing.
But I have seen way worse tiktoks and I’m doing something original. I’m trying.
I do hope to get better at making clever video but right now my tricks are just pulling out my creative writing tool bag and dousing you with words and a little bit of drama.
Do they teach how to make TikTok videos in school now? Because I’m going up against some fierce competition and I am truly grateful for your plays! ๐
12 hours in and it had already received 350 plays plus a couple boys making fun of it! When I asked him what he had against poetry he said he didn’t know “idk”. I guess this was the first time he has ever even heard spoken word poetry? I’m pushing TikTok boundaries?
Can it reach 500 plays in under 24 hours? It’s nearly there with several hours to go! We’re at hour 17! C’mon! ๐
Thanks for watching and for supporting indie bloggers and content creators!
Watch my new TikTok here and thanks for making it my #1 TikTok! ๐ https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeNrTBJG/
I’m walking into landmines
Tiptoeing over his lines
Misreading every sign
Watching existence decline
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2021 / @poeeternal
No matter what step I take, it’s always the wrong one.
I never had a proper upbringing, I guess I won’t have a fucking honorable death either will I?
I’d be lucky to have 7 people attend my funeral (like dear Edgar A. Poe) and I guarantee 5 of em’ will be my enemies there to celebrate my death and piss on me.
It’s a good thing I’m going to fucking drown myself in the sea.
Problem solved. And 1 mysterious death in bound.
Checkmate.
This time, I AM GHOSTING YOU.
I’m going through some heavy shit right now (alone and during a pandemic) so if you’re out there punishing me… ๐๐
It’s not even called a cemetery, it’s called a mount (a hill). I walked up that mount yesterday looking at tombs that have been destroyed with time and hurricanes, some abandoned and others well kept.
I don’t know why I assumed that everyone got a tomb when they died, but they don’t. Ash become many in the wind.
I still have a lot to learn about death. Realizing my dad wasn’t going to get a tomb after how he died was a big fucking light bulb.
My dad had been dead for days before he was found and you don’t know what that sort of information does to a human being.
And then reading how Edgar Allan Poe’s families just tossed him in an unmarked grave in a fucking box ho ho ho.
So life sucks. Dying sucks. And death sucks too.
When I was a kid me and my grandmother would travel around and visit different cemeteries and look at the tombs, seeing entire famalies buried on the same day, and imaging how they must have died. Sometimes she would catch me in the hole of where someone had been buried but was moved due to racism and segregation which still occurs in Mississippi. She thought it weird but I liked the smell. I still like to wander cemeteries though, reading the tombs and visiting the dead.
But it seems being buried is for the rich. And eventually Earth isn’t even going to exist. It does my mind in.
You’re a slave, Neo.
I don’t have anybody to love me while I’m alive so why can I assume that there will be anybody to love me when I’m dead…
I don’t know if I can endure another X amount of years of existence being invisible or soley alive to pay bills and be nothing more than a toy or sex object.
Depression awareness. I’m not okay.
He cast over my life a fog
Thick-like grog
No written dialogue
No messages in analog
Now my hate is catalogued
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2021 / @poeeternal
I’m like his protege
Whispers in decay
Messages like ballet
Asks if I’m okay
Says I am babe
And I make his day
Take his sky from grey
Wants to see me slay
He points me to Broadway
They got the fee to pay
Says I outta play
I’m like his protege
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2021 / @poeeternal
Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.
Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.
I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.
Not everybody wants me to die.
FYI.
Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).
We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).
I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.
I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.
I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?
I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.
Tacos. I desire tacos.
And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.
Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…
I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.
I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!
I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!
I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.
And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.
So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.
I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.
I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.
But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.
I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.
Hormones.
I’m moody. Edgy.
Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.
It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.
I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.
I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.
I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.
Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.
Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.
Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.
Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!
Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.
Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?
Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!
Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. ๐ He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.
My Mars One profile: https://community.mars-one.com/profile/34d6acb7-ade0-4c59-b462-f41d636512d7
And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/
I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0
And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…
This conversation went EVERYWHERE. LOOK SQUIRREL!
I know the sun will never set on me
I only receive light from envy
I know my birth was not well received
Why true love was never achieved
I know why hope is deceived
And why lungs can hardly breathe
I know why razor lays unsheathed
Where faces will never grieve
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2021 / @poeeternal
Welp. I just got the warning about account deletion from Instagram. I basically said, “I made Santa’s naughty list, visit my OF to find out how”.
Many of us are having to spend Christmas alone and away from our friends and families due to the quarantines that are placed and I’m just trying to make Christmas a little less lonesome and gloomy for everyone including myself (who just lost my dad).
So going forward anything I post on Instagram will be speechless that is IF big bro doesn’t delete me from my audience like he just threatened to do!!!
I literally just had my shower and wanted to cheer up my admirers. For God sake I haven’t even had a chance to put my makeup on yet and I’ve already got a fucking warning from Instagram that they’re going to delete my account including all my messages and my followers!!! Please stop me from having a meltdown right now. ๐ต๐ต๐ต
But Instagram has now threatened me that my account may be permanently deleted.
I think businesses need to start boycotting Facebook and Instagram to protect the little guy like me.
I mean I couldn’t even say, “hey I made Santa’s naughty list, find out how”.
Welp. Y’all remember when witches were being burned at the stake?
I feel violated. Do you know how long and how many years I’ve been working on my Instagram?
And just like that, they will take it from me.
So when I calm down from all this I’ll get back to getting dressed and putting my makeup on and doing the photoshoot like I wanted to do.
Fucking hell
WELP THE PRESS WON’T PUBLISH MY WORDS. I GONNA DIES IN THE STREET LIKE POE.
But, you don’t have to let that happen.
I’m running crazy good deals on my OnlyFans where I’m allowed to speak (kinda, you can’t say child or other terms I’m learning).
Only in America do they make nudity and sex a crime yet you can’t even watch a Hollywood film without there being some sex scene 5 minutes in. Nudity is consistently thrown in your face here but made illegal.
Thank you for your subs and follows and love, and especially all the nice things you’re telling me about my body and even the request you’re putting in (because I’ve now got some foot porn coming soon). ๐
And I have cute little Cinderella feet.
I’m also starting a new workout routine soon and I was going to share my progress on Instagram but I’ve received an eviction notice basically.
So if a musician is like “hey go check out my new track on my onlyfans” are they going to get their fucking account deleted too???? Because onlyfans is not just for nudes. That’s just one platform that sex workers can work safely.
I’m over 2020.
So if one day you can’t find me on Instagram, it’s probably because I’ve been banned.
Welp. 1984 is now.
If you want to see my Christmas content that’s going to be dropping, follow this link: https://onlyfans.com/poeeternal
My LinkTree will take you places: https://linktr.ee/poeeternal
There might come a time, on some lonely and cold evening
When you feel your life had no meaning
You were never nothing in her mind
I hope one day you can remember
After all the chills colder than December
You were the field she could unwind
When on shoulders death you take to leaning
And so to life desperately clinging
You were the reason her wing refined
So if you fall to death not believing
Until an angel comes intervening
She’ll be the hand you fall behind
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2020 / @poeeternal
Death and dying brings out so many emotions. When facing mortality, those big questions on the purpose of life come about, and often the non-religious will find comfort in religion. A lot of atheist will find God in the end and this actually happened to one of my favorite bands, Peter Steele, who found God in his end. You can watch videos of him talking about it on YouTube and read about it in articles. I still have a hard time listening to Type O Negative since Peter Steele died and they’ve been one of my favorite bands since I was 16. He was only 48 when he died. I’m 42. Welp. This is my last decade. I will not make it to 50. At this point surviving 2020 will be a fucking miracle.
I still don’t know if I said what I was trying to say because I was busy crying and blowing my nose.
I was trying to say that you saved my life and gave it meaning, when all the world had shunned me away on my darkest days.
I was trying to say something like, ‘you were there for me in my end, so I’ll be there for you in yours’ (whether by faded memory, poetry, or physical form).
When you think that your life doesn’t matter, remember that you made mine matter. You gave me sight and purpose. You opened my soul. You saved one of God’s precious angels.
I can’t write like the greats but we are definitely a modern day Romeo and Juliet. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
Wait… Except, nothing you write is for me so just forget everything I just said… brain injury > fantasy head
You make me write the most ridiculous, mushy poetry though. It’s all relative (see what I just did). You matter.
I forever heart you.
If this is your first time coming to my blog, I’m pretty certain I have better pictures and videos of me than of me crying. But whatev.
My writing career is going to go one of two ways, either I’m going to keep doing it or I’m going to pack it all in. If you’d like to support me, you know where and how. I’m still past due on bills and need to eat but whatever.
Laughing stock of zee world…
Hi. Some have asked about my activity (or lack thereof). My dad died. I still don’t know the cause of death and there’s legal matters still to attend.
Today is his birthday and I want to celebrate life.
A smile is all I can do.
When I surface for air, and see my blog readers, my followers, my patrons and my subs, it invites me to keep going. But, I gotta deep dive a bit longer. And I appreciate the life support I do.
If you could keep your fingertips on me a bit longer, I fancy the stars and the moon (also helps keep me from drowning).
I paused my Patreon campaign for the month of December, my patrons will not be charged.
I’m posting some photos and videos on my OnlyFans but I have not been in a mood to write.
Thank you for your understanding while I take some time for myself to reflect on the meaning of life.
But also while I deal with life. I am facing things in life I never considered or prepared for.
Like my dads last words to me via his will and testament.
I am still awaiting the arrival of that plus news of his autopsy report. ๐ญ
I just need time to not do anything. And not doing anything still consists of having to take care of my pets and bathe and eat and it’s about all I can muster right now.
My last conversation with my dad was an angry one and I didn’t even give him an opportunity to respond.
I have that cross to bear as well.
I’m going through some shit right now.
The only thing I need right now is time.
Time to cry.
Time to breathe.
Time to grieve.
Time to be.
But, some people use this time to kick me while I’m down. I see you. I read your slights.
I see everything which is generally why I like to be alone.
I’ll get back to writing and creating artsy videos and vampire cosplay soon, it’s what I do. I’m a content creating machine.
2021 is a year of transformation for me, that’s the good ole’ plan anyway. More tattoos, more piercings, more newds. Getting a new wardrobe too.
I’m gonna be hella active, I hope you stick around. I got big plans for my Patreon and my OF.
My blog is my lifeline. Not gonna quit writing anytime soon. Sometimes just need to bury my head in the sand.
Which is a better option than drowning myself in the ocean because we get a thousand pound Great White visitor from Australia that visits us here. I’m sure I’d be a tasty treat.
I don’t get in the ocean because there are fish in there with teeth bigger than me. ๐
I’m petite. ๐
(But also vampire daylight sun gross)
If you need more of me though, there’s currently over 280 photos, 75 videos, and lots of love on my OnlyFans! ๐
I’m coming up with more ways to reward you for your love. Give love, get love. And I’m behind on writing (per my own standards) but life happens and currently life.
I still have bills to pay and food to eat so your support is helping another human exist. It all goes back into the art. It nurtures my soul. I miss you too.
You can come lie in the dark with me if you want. But the gravity will make you cry.
xoxo still alive xoxo
I don’t know what lies beneath here
I have sorrow holding ranks like an army
Underneath armor burden is a spear
And it hits you like a tsunami
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2020 / @poeeternal
RIP daddy. Your burden is our burden now. ๐ญ https://gf.me/u/za27nc
*edit* RIP daddy. This event was you telling me goodbye. Now I know!
Huh. Weird orange hue. Why is the sky orange. Sure, the Sun is rising but…
So, I had a peek out my blinds. Still didn’t explain the orange hue. Dog must wait. Safety first.
Slipped on my flip flops with phone in hand (it’s almost ritualistic- the phone checking upon waking). Went outside.
Still did not understand what was causing the sky to be completely orange. Did we get nuked? Is there a sandstorm coming? This isn’t a sunrise. This looks kinda terrifying.
Then a huge rainbow formed before my eyes. From one end of the sky to the other. A prism of color. And then behind it, another!!!
And it almost seemed like it was inside this big bubble. The bubble verse theory I was studying.
And I’ve been reading a lot about the Multiverse Bubble theories lately and am coming to this conclusion that I’m starting to believe in it more than that ridiculous Big Bang theory.
But I do. And I’ve been trying to make sense of my world and what it all means, if it’s all going to end anyway. I am the universe experiencing itself. We all are. And so I’ve been thinking a lot about energy and how it can’t be created or destroyed.
I think about the interconnectivity. How we’re all one.
Anyway, I think the double rainbow was a sign.
And, I’d never seen a rainbow so vividly last so long.
Seconds generally.
Well, I ran out of room on my device filming this double rainbow for over 6 minutes.
I dropped the video of the double rainbow on my Instagram IGTV.
The double rainbow reminds me to keep going. That in life, the things you love may be out of reach. But that doesn’t mean that the love wasn’t felt or received. Sometimes, optical illusions are real. And even if by worlds separated, love travels at light-speeds.
I sat and watched that weird ass bubble in the sky, along with those double rainbows that arched high across the sky, until it faded and I could see it no more.
Bye daddy. Hope you had a great final gig in the sky! ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
I love u. What’s a girl to do? Been crying for the one since I was like ten. Cuz life is shite. But it’s like we’re world’s apart. ๐
There are signs posted with moss covering
Empty bottles where the devil is recovering
Dirty feathers all around in piles cluttering
And care is a word I hear you keep uttering
There are scabs where blood is spluttering
No cover for my mouth we are discovering
Though secrets are a map I’m not uncovering
And love is the only thing left hovering
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2020
I iz bad. Past my expiration date? Losing me mind. One moment at a time.
DEPRESSION AWARENESS
Myย LinkTreeย will take you places:ย https://linktr.ee/poeeternal
The lie it grew and grew and grew
I knew
I fell from heaven on the truth
Got stuck like glue
On every lie because of you
Oh, it hurts so much too
From empty bottle to fully blue
Hell mistook me for a fool
Your prayer dropped a clue
You envy youth
Now away it flew
Leaving you with tooth
How they accrue
Still every mask I cut through
It’s time I withdrew
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2020
Spent the night soiling the earth with tears begging the almighty to let me see what I need so I could be free. Didn’t understand the lesson that be. Crying to God, you can lead a demon to holy water, but you cannot make him drink!!!
Nearly drowning from all that makes me bleed. Suffocating on the very air that we breathe. He gave me new eyes to see. Your soul is empty. God cut me free (now whose lying).
Sidenote: I’ve been in some sort of weird rhyme scheme where I limit my vocabulary even more than I normally do when rhyming. I don’t rhyme just to rhyme, that’s where people fall flat. There’s probably a name for what I’m doing but brain damage. Losing my mind. I see way more than I want to see with my third eye and I’ve never been so fucking depressed or lonely in my life and it’s not that I don’t like my own company because I do – that’s why I’m isolated. I’m growing ever more suicidal and out of fucks to give. But doing the rhyme scheme like I did above, that shit is hard, yo.
I was also at a place where I was worried about using the same words that I had already used before and then I decided to just let that go.
I’ll probably be jumping off the Eiffel fucking Tower reciting some last words you know. Eh. CR CR CRAZZZY out of fucks to give.
Words are the only thing left holding me together.
Oh, you thought that was just a line?
The only thing I’m staying alive for at this point is the Matrix 4. And maybe another hug from Gavin Rossdale cuz he’s like my fountain of youth. I sniffed his neck once, I’m so fucking weird!!!! I think I wanted a bite ๐ฉ
I’m sure he’d like that but not while he’s singing to thousands of people!
Then again, this is me. I could get away with murder just with my smile. ๐
I am 1000% insane crazy because I’m literally in love with dracul even tho he’s a fucking monster. Rip my fucking heart out. At least Mina got laid!!!!! She died by suicide, FYI!!!
SHE WAS REAL!!!! *laughs insanely*
Dracul is still very much feared in his land. I wanted to get married in Transylvania or there about.
Love isn’t real, is it? You never really loved me.
*dives off tower*
Myย LinkTreeย will take you places:ย https://linktr.ee/poeeternal
None of you were worth it
You made me worthless
Able to love less
Daily a failed test
Deserving a holed chest
A bullet not a vest
Time to give it a rest
Suicide at its best
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2020
My best friend had the right idea putting a 357 Magnum gun to her head and blasting a bullet through her brain ending her precious litte life before age 14.
I don’t know why I stuck around this long lying to myself pretending things would get better. They have not.
My best friend’s mom later hung herself on a fucking rope at like age 46 and I’m not far from it.
Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t live without love either and died on the fucking street naked, unknown, poor, fucking broke, and heartbroke. I dare say he was depressed too and I’m officially diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed. People haven’t got much better. BEASTS in CARDIGAN. Some without a backbone or spine. That’s why they can easily replace you on a dime they’re empty and soulless.
Suicidal and out of fucks to give.
Too much gaslighting and narcissism in the world. No love or nurturing coming in.
The sheeple over run.
I WANT OUT. LET ME OUT
*free yer mind* *okie dokie* *if you die in the Matrix you die in the real world* *jumps from bridge*
He says, I ain’t worth a penny
Still eyes will stare, I am trendy
Fingers counting more than twenty
See me now, I am plenty
Spat on, shined up with envy
Tossed in water ever gently
Down into a well, my only entry
They all say that they don’t need me
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2020 @poeeternal
I’m just not responsible for how I act when I’m physically around him and in fangirl mode because I have zero control over my hormones. Welp. Since the age of 12. WHATEV. SECOND CRUSH. NO BIG DEAL.
I do sometimes curse him but last year on air he said I tell him the most beautiful things, which is also true. ๐
People think I’m in love with Gavin but I’m not, it’s just a silly crush I’ve had since I was age 12 and I’m insanely addicted to the music, it’s a music fan / artist relationship thing. He inspires me in different ways. He teaches me life lessons. Like how to stay alive when you don’t have the love of your life (he lost his big love- Gwen Stefani- they have 3 kids together. He has not replaced her).
Gavin Rossdale comes from that alternative scene where all his comrades are dying by suicide, which are basically his friends and I thought that we might lose him too when he lost Gwen Stefani (divorceeeee via humiliation, retaliation, he got to hear “used to love you” while walking in an airport. She didn’t take long to move on either, did she). Two thumbs down.๐๐
But he hung onto his fans and he says that he needs us more than ever now. I know what he means. He promised me on air that he would never hurt himself. But I need him too. I’m an outcast. He knows that. He knows what that feels like. To be the lone wolf! For the most part he’s had to deal with the United Kingdom hating him. Even of today, they will refer to him as “who is he” (as if he is no one) or use him as a slight against Gwen Stefani, when it was her band opening up for Bush and not the other way around (he made her known, not vice versa).
Gav has seen me at my worse. He still jumps off the stage to give me hugs when he sees my face. It gives me the happy feels. To be seen. To feel I have an ounce of worth. To feel appreciated. Because to the rest of the world, I am invisible and just a number (including to the love of my life, who could care less of my existence. He’d replace me in an instance). But there’s nothing like the feel of when Gavin sets his sights on me, and is walking towards me, and I know he’s headed my way, it’s so intense, his expression. That feeling of, “he see’s me, he’s headed my way”, “I’m not lost in the crowd” and Gavin is the type of guy who never looks away from me, yet I always break eye contact!!!
Or like when he’s talking to his other fans, he’ll literally keep looking back at me and I always run away from him. I act stupid guaranteed. But like, I’m a soldier and he’s a king. He’s why I do these things. Basic. I need the music. Always have. Not just his music or art. All the things. Music keeps me going. Grounded. Alive. Couldn’t have survived the Iraqi war without it. Labor. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Poordom. Life.
Music is life. I need another gig. This century. THIS YEAR. COME ON 2020!!!
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I fall so deep into the earth
Unable to show you just how much you are worth
I become the very thing I curse
And then I can’t stop the hurt
A runaway greenhouse effect
Mirroring the very thing I deject
Or hoping for any way to connect
A sinking Titanic from gorgeous to wrecked
Now I am laying on your ocean floor
With torn lace and silver but still rather poor
I’ve decorated disaster with devilish decor
Burned out, unmarried, but nothing much more
ยฉ Delia Ross. 2020
Mumbo jumbo for the one below. Sign post reads: Stop here
I don’t mean to hurt you. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
I don’t know why I hurt you. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
I don’t want to hurt you. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
I’m just a sinking man trying to make you drown with me. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
A drowning man is the most dangerous. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
I’m no good. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
You should just let me drown. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
*watches him drop a bottle while putting scuba gear on*
*catches bottle in the water*
*reads message in a bottle*
*cries* ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
I know I’m a toxic little fuck. I know I make it impossible to be friends. I wish I knew how to fix me. I’m brokens. ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
Psst I like the thing you did in your last poem. I know it’s called a thing but I can’t think what it’s called. I like doing it too (but you do everything better). I like you.
“I like you too”. But, I like you alot. “I like you alot too”. Okay, well maybe I like you more than alot. Like the whole pie alot, not just a slice. I like you whole” (the weird conversation we’d be having right now if you allowed me to talk to you). Because I iz stewpids and you iz smartz.
I don’t deserve your help. Let me die. ๐ญ
Maybe I’d be more stable if you were really around. I’m scared. ๐ญ
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