How is it your heart has come to know softness? Do oceans not turn to desert when I frown? How are you able to turn eternity into a sound? For when you speak I am bound. Where you are breathing, I am found. Why do you park heaven on a hill? I can feel you pushing on me still. I come undone so you can feel. Though you won’t let my blood spill. Collecting every single quill. You move at free will.
The lie it grew and grew and grew I knew I fell from heaven on the truth Got stuck like glue On every lie because of you Oh, it hurts so much too From empty bottle to fully blue Hell mistook me for a fool
Your prayer dropped a clue You envy youth Now away it flew Leaving you with tooth How they accrue Still every mask I cut through It’s time I withdrew
Spent the night soiling the earth with tears begging the almighty to let me see what I need so I could be free. Didn’t understand the lesson that be. Crying to God, you can lead a demon to holy water, but you cannot make him drink!!!
Nearly drowning from all that makes me bleed. Suffocating on the very air that we breathe. He gave me new eyes to see. Your soul is empty. God cut me free (now whose lying).
The truth hurts worse than the lieTelling lies to myself. That’s not you. It’s someone else. It’s his brother. I’m crazy! Seeing what I wanna! I seem to like you no matter who you are. Which makes me not like you very much!! 😭😰😭I wish I could believe my own lie when I say I don’t love you.The truth hurts worse than the lie. Oh, God forgive me! I still love you, I do! 💔Cursed like Mina Tepes to always love you. 💔
Sidenote: I’ve been in some sort of weird rhyme scheme where I limit my vocabulary even more than I normally do when rhyming. I don’t rhyme just to rhyme, that’s where people fall flat. There’s probably a name for what I’m doing but brain damage. Losing my mind. I see way more than I want to see with my third eye and I’ve never been so fucking depressed or lonely in my life and it’s not that I don’t like my own company because I do – that’s why I’m isolated. I’m growing ever more suicidal and out of fucks to give. But doing the rhyme scheme like I did above, that shit is hard, yo.
I was also at a place where I was worried about using the same words that I had already used before and then I decided to just let that go.
I’ll probably be jumping off the Eiffel fucking Tower reciting some last words you know. Eh. CR CR CRAZZZY out of fucks to give.
Words are the only thing left holding me together.
Oh, you thought that was just a line?
The only thing I’m staying alive for at this point is the Matrix 4. And maybe another hug from Gavin Rossdale cuz he’s like my fountain of youth. I sniffed his neck once, I’m so fucking weird!!!! I think I wanted a bite 😩
I’m sure he’d like that but not while he’s singing to thousands of people!
Then again, this is me. I could get away with murder just with my smile. 😊
I am 1000% insane crazy because I’m literally in love with dracul even tho he’s a fucking monster. Rip my fucking heart out. At least Mina got laid!!!!! She died by suicide, FYI!!!
SHE WAS REAL!!!! *laughs insanely*
Dracul is still very much feared in his land. I wanted to get married in Transylvania or there about.
Love isn’t real, is it? You never really loved me.
None of you were worth it You made me worthless Able to love less Daily a failed test Deserving a holed chest A bullet not a vest Time to give it a rest Suicide at its best
My best friend had the right idea putting a 357 Magnum gun to her head and blasting a bullet through her brain ending her precious litte life before age 14.
I don’t know why I stuck around this long lying to myself pretending things would get better. They have not.
My best friend’s mom later hung herself on a fucking rope at like age 46 and I’m not far from it.
Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t live without love either and died on the fucking street naked, unknown, poor, fucking broke, and heartbroke. I dare say he was depressed too and I’m officially diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed. People haven’t got much better. BEASTS in CARDIGAN. Some without a backbone or spine. That’s why they can easily replace you on a dime they’re empty and soulless.
Suicidal and out of fucks to give.
Too much gaslighting and narcissism in the world. No love or nurturing coming in.
The sheeple over run.
I WANT OUT. LET ME OUT
*free yer mind* *okie dokie* *if you die in the Matrix you die in the real world* *jumps from bridge*
I go from flatline To hips shaking engorging my mind He is insanely fine Light-speeds of love climbing my spine Images burning between time All hell then divine Wish I could call him mine
I don’t want to feel thingsFrownGardenCrazy obsessed. Need a rubber room. Or maybe just some love? Attention? Be seen!?! But, I’m not thick and he doesn’t know I exist. Just like she doesn’t know or care that he exists. But she gets all his attention. I CAN’T compete with porn. I wasn’t born with that kind of body. I’m not working out 24/7 just to enhance my ass or training my butthole with a plug so it could take four dicks in it so he’s not interested in me at all. My body / existence does nothing for him. I’m not enough. Never was enough for mankind. Tired of breathing. So lonely. Unloved. He doesn’t care or see me. Invisible. 😭😭😭
Gone But left my heart to disassemble on its own I left it rotting on your throne Caring too much for desensitized bone Lust your tomb or home I’d rather be alone Direction unknown
Maybe I’m gone. Maybe it’s like I don’t exist at all. Wet hairs. Had a bath. Clean but found a new way to hurt. If I could be who you wanted all the time <frowngarden>
He watches me
The way time moves over my feet
My doors opening and closing
Peering into the window of all I am exposing
Playing tug-of-war with hearts decomposing
My third eye all-knowing
He watches you
Catching me in view
And what we do
We’re split in truth
Well, who knew?
I guess he loves me too 💕
To be honest, I’m still a tiny microorganism. Compared to my love for you. Like all the dark matter in the universe, it just grew. Space equals truth. 💕
I love you. I hate you tug-of-war
I’m staying. I’m leaving tug-of-war
I’m empty. You’re in me tug-of-war
I’m pulling. You’re tugging tug-of-war
I’m sorry I’m mean to you. I don’t want to cry anymore. Don’t retaliate. 😭😭😭
You hold me on your back the way earth holds all creation Changing earthquakes to calm lakes Sunrise to reason I’m freestyling steps while doubling the stakes Love is cold but still in season Dancing over simmering aches You’re stepping over treason Bleeding to stay awake Though love is like a beacon I’m all in- whatever it takes Because you’re all I’m ever needing
Tell me, are you all in? Fold? If it keeps on raining/ the levee’s going to break 🎵🎶🎵If it keeps on raining/ the levee’s going to break 🎵🎶🎵Holding onto youth with all that I am. A pure soul. No greys yet!!!! You gonna raise yer bet????
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Not only does he listen I got him by the teeth And in his world I glisten While dancing on his feet
His love has no conditions So solid like concrete It seems his only mission Is loving me complete
Walking tightropes Over every word wrote Using lines to balance Darkness and failed hope Taking steps to fall But then don’t He pushes me across the wire His back gropes The world crying I’m a joke But he won’t
He is a cosmic jewel Longing felt under moon A hope or two A dream in blue
Earthly views The perfect muse The love I choose Someone I can’t refuse
Uhm, is anyone sick of my rhyme yet? Did anyone notice that within a blink my blog reached nearly 10K more views? Nearly 10,000 more visits HERE to read my blog! We’re nearing 60K! 😍
Got my enemies watching with a telescope- they say they hate me but you know I’m dope! 😍
I freestyle write my poetry 90% of the time and always tweak stuff during the WP posting process. Actually, my voice will change based on my writing tools, which is one reason I want to get offline and get on a typewriter again. Starting to pick up pencil again too. And pen. Hope to move back into calligraphy. I have all my tools, just no energy or drive (depression). Hard to brush my teeth on most days and not dive off the bridge here that I’ve been contemplating doing since I arrived here and recently an 18 year old kid jumped off it last year. Right off the overpass onto the interstate I was driving on. A constant reminder the world is shit. I feel that. He made his point known. I knows. I feel worthless too. Hence poem + depression. Le sigh. I really could use a gig this year. The uni trying. Bush = happiness (and Gav really likes me coming to his shows and I really like going to his shows even tho I act an ass of myself and curse him sometimes- yep he still likes me coming tho I make an absolute ass of myself) KING 👍I worship Bush (have since the early 90s). Look how Gavin Rossdale spelled my name, the first time we met (in 2016). With a little anarchy sign on the A followed by a little heart. UHM, I GET HEARTS BY GAVIN ROSSDALE. Sometimes I get wisdom and xoxo in DMs by him. Sometimes I tweet him that I see him on stage at a gig, he’ll respond via his microphone “I see you too” and jump off stage after soundcheck to come say hi and get photos. I need to do an entire blog post on my obsession cuz I got videos and photos on all this. Layer my tomb with all my Bush heirlooms. Like that time he jumped off stage just to give me a sweaty hug and the guitar pick he was playing with. *le sigh* Last year on my birthday he serenaded me while dancing above me for like a solid minute and I nearly passed out, dizzies, FYI.
I’m just not responsible for how I act when I’m physically around him and in fangirl mode because I have zero control over my hormones. Welp. Since the age of 12. WHATEV. SECOND CRUSH. NO BIG DEAL.
Gavin giving me his superman poses at the VIP meet-and-greet last year for my birthday! I need these framed in my home studio! 😍
I do sometimes curse him but last year on air he said I tell him the most beautiful things, which is also true. 😊
Gavin giving me his superman poses at the VIP meet-and-greet last year on my birthday! I didn’t know what was going on because I felt him pull away and I thought he didn’t want me hanging all over him in the photos so I lifted my head off his chest but kept my hands on his hard ass abs and kept smiling not knowing that he was doing Superman poses for me cuz he was super happy I was at a show!!! So several weeks later when the photos arrived (and doing VIP was a birthday present to myself because nobody did anything for me for turning the big 4-0), it was like opening the best present 🎁 the uni could give me. Nine times out of 10 when I meet Gavin Rossdale and get photos they are blurry. These were not. 😍
People think I’m in love with Gavin but I’m not, it’s just a silly crush I’ve had since I was age 12 and I’m insanely addicted to the music, it’s a music fan / artist relationship thing. He inspires me in different ways. He teaches me life lessons. Like how to stay alive when you don’t have the love of your life (he lost his big love- Gwen Stefani- they have 3 kids together. He has not replaced her).
Gavin Rossdale comes from that alternative scene where all his comrades are dying by suicide, which are basically his friends and I thought that we might lose him too when he lost Gwen Stefani (divorceeeee via humiliation, retaliation, he got to hear “used to love you” while walking in an airport. She didn’t take long to move on either, did she). Two thumbs down.👎👎
But he hung onto his fans and he says that he needs us more than ever now. I know what he means. He promised me on air that he would never hurt himself. But I need him too. I’m an outcast. He knows that. He knows what that feels like. To be the lone wolf! For the most part he’s had to deal with the United Kingdom hating him. Even of today, they will refer to him as “who is he” (as if he is no one) or use him as a slight against Gwen Stefani, when it was her band opening up for Bush and not the other way around (he made her known, not vice versa).
Gav has seen me at my worse. He still jumps off the stage to give me hugs when he sees my face. It gives me the happy feels. To be seen. To feel I have an ounce of worth. To feel appreciated. Because to the rest of the world, I am invisible and just a number (including to the love of my life, who could care less of my existence. He’d replace me in an instance). But there’s nothing like the feel of when Gavin sets his sights on me, and is walking towards me, and I know he’s headed my way, it’s so intense, his expression. That feeling of, “he see’s me, he’s headed my way”, “I’m not lost in the crowd” and Gavin is the type of guy who never looks away from me, yet I always break eye contact!!!
Got hugs by my king at the stroke of midnight last year, which was my birthday. Thank you universe.
Or like when he’s talking to his other fans, he’ll literally keep looking back at me and I always run away from him. I act stupid guaranteed. But like, I’m a soldier and he’s a king. He’s why I do these things. Basic. I need the music. Always have. Not just his music or art. All the things. Music keeps me going. Grounded. Alive. Couldn’t have survived the Iraqi war without it. Labor. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Poordom. Life.
Music is life. I need another gig. This century. THIS YEAR. COME ON 2020!!!
Me today because 2020 blows and I’ve had zero hugs from my king this year. Meh. Seeking a friend for the end of the world… When life gives you lemons, tie pretty boes. Me today during the covid zombie apocalypse- and the CDC says covid-19 is coming back with a vengeance. Seeking a friend for the end… Love during a zombie plague *laughs insanely, ties a pretty bow*
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I’m now on Twitch! I’m going live again soon! I promise! Hit my channel at: www.twitch.tv/poeeternal
Me no filter, worry lines, messy makeups, freckles, no bullshit. I smoke on the occasion. Should I buzz my side again? Might go have a smoke now. Think I still got the same pack I found months ago in the freezer. The Army taught me to ration and I’ve been poor lmao. Finding an entire, near full pack of Newport menthol was definitely a sign from heaven. Or hell? 🤔
Opened up my eyes, had a follow request, saw a post on binary code, and wallah. Poem. I apparently still love him in between the endless BLOCKING and UNBLOCKING that I do. I’m sorrys! 😭
I’m dying for his touch. Don’t even really know who he is, I just know he’s my entire fucking world and existence.
And I need him so much my mind will turn complete strangers into him.
Just because I can’t see him doesn’t mean he’s not around.
Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not being followed.
I fall so deep into the earth Unable to show you just how much you are worth I become the very thing I curse And then I can’t stop the hurt
A runaway greenhouse effect Mirroring the very thing I deject Or hoping for any way to connect A sinking Titanic from gorgeous to wrecked
Now I am laying on your ocean floor With torn lace and silver but still rather poor I’ve decorated disaster with devilish decor Burned out, unmarried, but nothing much more
Mumbo jumbo for the one below. Sign post reads: Stop here
I don’t mean to hurt you. 😭😭😭
I don’t know why I hurt you. 😭😭😭
I don’t want to hurt you. 😭😭😭
I’m just a sinking man trying to make you drown with me. 😭😭😭
A drowning man is the most dangerous. 😭😭😭
I’m no good. 😭😭😭
You should just let me drown. 😭😭😭
*watches him drop a bottle while putting scuba gear on*
*catches bottle in the water*
*reads message in a bottle*
*cries* 😭😭😭
Photos by @poeeternalI deserve to drown in the bottom of the sea. I love you. 😭
I know I’m a toxic little fuck. I know I make it impossible to be friends. I wish I knew how to fix me. I’m brokens. 😭😭😭
I’ve decorated disaster with devilish decor
Psst I like the thing you did in your last poem. I know it’s called a thing but I can’t think what it’s called. I like doing it too (but you do everything better). I like you.
“I like you too”. But, I like you alot. “I like you alot too”. Okay, well maybe I like you more than alot. Like the whole pie alot, not just a slice. I like you whole” (the weird conversation we’d be having right now if you allowed me to talk to you). Because I iz stewpids and you iz smartz.
I don’t deserve your help. Let me die. 😭
Maybe I’d be more stable if you were really around. I’m scared. 😭
(Do you reckon Edgar Allan Poe ran off of any of his wives suitors with a shotgun? I mean, he wasn’t very popular. The local press even stopped publishing his work. He went from a respected officer in the military, to poor, dead, and naked on the street and possibly poisoned, and heartbrokes).
I don’t want to die heartbrokes. Helps. 😭
Sometimes I run off your suitors with my mouth. 😭
Psst did you know my love keeps growing for you? I am a deep, wide ocean. Keep swimming. I’m yours, forevermore. xoxo (times infinity^2)
No matter how many times I slam closed the doors of communication He’ll be on the other side waiting Anticipating apology and thorough aching My overall frustration for misbehaving
His back my entire foundation My heart his home base station Tossing apologies in the fire for cremation I’m his favorite creation
My OnlyFans account deletion has been stopped, as I’ve decided to stay there. I’m not sure when people will be able to re-subscribe again (it’s pending reactivation) but I know you can follow me there until. And thank you for your patience with me as I grow as a writer and artist. And human being overall. 🙂
He knows I’m sorry. But I don’t know if I could ever face him and say it. And if I ever did find the courage to face him again and say it, he’d just throw it away immediately.
So the good news is he didn’t block me. He still doesn’t know I exist. Like one of them soldiers standing guard for the queen. Solid as stone. Hardened? Hates me? Maybe I’m just the ghost haunting him. Oh noes, helps. *sobs* 😭😭😭
Uhm, thanks for still finding value in me even though I can be a depressed, emo, isolated little bitch, who pushes everyone away and crucifies the one I love the most.
I’m deeply sorry. But I don’t know how to say it anymore. There’s a good chance it’ll happen again but that doesn’t mean I’m not sorrys.
The person responsible for the stones and sacrifices. Blood vials and hungry vices. Wrong directions cost ultimate prices. Smiling. Our safest lying devices. The sanity will drive you insane. Thanks for another lesson daddy Poe.
It’s a weird place to be Not with, not without But if you drift into the big sleep I would stop existing It’s without a doubt Like leaving the galaxy I couldn’t breathe So I shout How could you leave? Abandon me? You’re all I need
I love you in any realm, all over Earth, and this town. When I’m up or down, sideways, or stuck in a frown. From east to north, and all around. From the dawn of creation, down to your noun. You overwhelm. But I am bound. Circling and circle proud. Pulling eights from the cloud. I say it loud. Unroll it, light the ground. For life is better, where you are found.
If only forgiveness were easy asked and demons were sleeping
How many ways can you spell I love you? Are you tired of hearing it yet? Does the universe give you any signs? Are you awake, are you alive? Are you listening?
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Staring up from down below Heaven fell further than I know The wind gets cold Like regret growing old With a heart of stone Set in gold Or hearing whispers “I told you so” Where are angel’s not to go? God told me to love him whole The sinner yes so I tread his road Ready to take on intruders, I’m bold He says friend, I say foe There’s complications in the fold Missings cards like hands, I need him though Dropping SOS’s where his feet have strolled Sights to behold Or heartaches sold
To be honest, I just wanted to keep going with this rhyme flow. I gotta stop putting on the breaks. I’m feeling pages, can you roll?
Moonstone if you’ve ever wondered. I wrote an essay in college once on the healing properties and energetic properties of stone and blew my professor away. I’m going to get back into to meditation sessions soon. Just trying to find my self-esteem and what’s left of my pride after my last nuclear meltdown. I’m radioactive. And collapsing in on myself.
This goes without saying but, I get insanely jealous of the attention he gives other girls. Like black jealousy. And my doctors at the VA don’t understand this kind of love or obsession. They don’t even understand why I’m scared of asteroid Apophis. Whatever. You can’t cure these things. Love is the only acceptable remedy. He just needs to kiss me. Shimples.
I’m on the Patreon, if you dig my writing and photography or digiart, there’s loads of EXCLUSIVE CONTENT up! You get cool perks for pledging and I get to keep writing and running my blog advert free! I really like writing! I’ve been practicing my art since I was a little girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it professionally!
I can’t get him to block me back no matter what I do. I don’t purposely seek out rubble, it’s just sometimes a huge chunk breaks off me like a boulder and starts rolling down and crushing anyone in his path. And as I’m tumbling down the hole of despair, he’s still there. Picking up all the little pebbles and tucking them right into his heart.
So yeah, I found another way to scream I’M DROWNING, while in a spiral downward. I clawed him all the way down, too. Landed right back by his side in pieces.
I’m staring up from down below. Wondering how many times I have to start again. As his rope begins to descend. Was that not my end?
This is why poetry exists. Edgar Allan Poe lost the love of his life and literally died in the street and I have some of his previously, unpublished words he wrote for her tattooed on my ribcage.
Edgar Allan Poe and the words he wrote his true love after she died. And then he died. In the fucking street. Naked!!! At only age 40! 😭 Older photo of my Edgar Poe tat when it was healing “My love is lying” me too Poe!! But in a different way!! “I must weep alone” same same!!! 😭
So what does all this mean?
I’m having difficulty living without him and don’t want to die in the street?
I’d like more tats. They were getting super strict about tattoos in the military. But now that I’m out, I can work on getting some visible tattoos once the Jeep is paid off (on my last 2 payments). Everything cost the moneys I don’t have. Join my Patreon! 🙏
I need better photos of my Edgar Allan Poe tattoo and I also want to get some flowers around my hip and the poem.
Me no likey pains. Me wants pleasures. Take away me pain.
Real body, real person, real scars. I don’t want to remove my sex organs for plastic. Get over it. I’ve made it to age 42 without a single gray hair. ACCOMPLISHMENT. CHECKMATE. (someone has requested for me to get on the onlyfans but if you don’t mind the fact that I have a real body, I’m going to be starting a new nude cosplay tier on my Patreon 2021 (potentially). I’m not a model. I’m just yer average gal in a petite body trying to do extraordinary things. I have done’s. (I’ve had many guys body-shame me over the years for not having fake boobs or fake tans, nails, and hair for that matter). I guess I’m supposed to be this bombshell pornstar 24/7 which is not what I am at all. They weren’t even good lovers. Let alone decent human beings. If I could do my twenties over, I would spend it making less mistakes with man. So now Ima do me for my final decade (and I’d be hella lucky to make it to 50 at the rate my body and mind is disintegrating). Thanks for seeing me and appreciating me while I’m alive. I’ve never gone pink or bleached my fine silks. Trying to keep my hair growing after I die… I don’t know how Gavin Rossdale would respond if I showed up at a Bush show with pink hair, he already adores the fuck out of me coming to his shows. I get the VIP treatment whether I do VIP or not. 😊
I currently have 3 tats, 1 on my lower back (also another excruciating part of the body due to your nerve endings), ribcage (Poe tat) and upper chest (super easy in comparison to the back and rib). My Edgar Allan Poe tattoo is my largest (and that bad boy is on my ribcage). I’m going to be getting some new tattoos in 2021!!! I mean, like if I don’t die. Which is literally quite easy to do.
I’m starting to get request for the onlyfans. But I don’t want to do any kind of porn acts. I asked them if they’d still be willing or interested if I did classy nude cosplay sometimes with Vampire elements and they said yes and be willing to spend 15 to $20 on that so. That’s good. Good that I’m starting to get requests & price estimates. I even took a screenshot for my self-esteem (of the request). So thank you, because I really want to get into the cosplay and I need some support for that. Costumes, fangs, makeups, gear, equipment. FOOD. GAS to get places. They discovered my Insta! Hope the shadowban’s been lifted!!
I’m on the Patreon, if you dig my writing and photography or digiart, there’s loads of EXCLUSIVE CONTENT up (including photography you can use for your own projects)! You get cool perks for pledging and I get to keep writing and running my blog advert free! I really like writing! I’ve been practicing my art since I was a little girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it professionally and to keep writing and making art!
He could know He could tear out the knot and tangles that we sew He could go He could block me eternally, still I glow Even when faint, to him, my light will show So I flow
Welp. Can’t get him to block my existence (yet). I can attack him under my pen, under my full name, under my social media accounts, under my email, on my blog, through poetry, he’s got the ultimate ghosting Poker Face, I’ve thrown jabs, gut-wrenching flaming bombs of blame, spat on his name (actually I don’t think I’ve done that, I actually wrote him a poem with his name as an acronym in the title and as a line in the poem, which was hard to do, because I’m madly in fucking love with him and was stupid enough to tell him on his goddamn fucking social media in private message like a fucking roaring lunatic).
It went like this. ‘Hi. I’m suicidal and might die. I wrote this for you. Just thought you should know in case I die’. I don’t think it went down very well. Do you reckon that’s how Edgar Allan Poe delivered his poems to the love of his life (who was his blood cousin but we can’t all be perfects). Welp.
Did I mention I’m not like other girls? I’m rather quirky, weird, and odd. I bite strangers on random; girls, boys, whenever the mood strikes, on a neck or wrist, with such delicate precision and precise pain, that all have been shocked by it, but always moved in a positive way, because it was a weirdly pleasurable experience for them. “You bit me”. “Ee, I kind of did, didn’t I? Oops sorry”. But, none of them have ever felt violated in any way and probably still recall on the experience (though I won’t know, because I don’t even know who they were/ are). I just do it at random. I haven’t really been biting people lately though. But the urges are there. I literally bite people’s girlfriends and boyfriends, but I do it in a non-sexual way, it’s hard to explain it. I do it as a greeting and then I disappear. Sometimes I stick around and chat for a minute or two because my presence will be requested. When I let people see my weirdness they’re impressed. Sometimes I use my brain to blow people’s minds in other ways. But very few are allowed around the real me. I can only say I have psychic abilities and ways to exchange energy and there are people out there who literally think I’m an actual angel who fell. I’ve done meditation sessions and I can know someone’s sign within 5 minutes of meeting them, it blows their mind, “but how” they beg to know”! I tell them I studied astrology intensely when I was 15 “but how” they’d ask! Well, with me mind. Third eye.
Men would have literally burned me at the stake or drowned me with stone tied around my ankle or some other heinous crime as a witch in the 1800s had I been around!
I’m a super sensitive creature and I don’t do well around a lot of people. Or maybe people at all. I like people I do. Sometimes. 👀
My skin and eyes are sensitive to light because I’m part vampyre.
And my skin is sensitive to certain metals because I have Lycan blood in me (I howl at the Moon and bite people on random beware).
Yes, people are scared of me. Boo.
I am a goth queen. I just look really fucking poor because I’m a proper Nosferatu. But I’m going to try to step up my Nosferatu image as soon as the Jeep is paid off and I can start buying black clothing again. I want to start a classy nude cosplay on my Patreon. Just had someone ask me to get on the OnlyFans (and I might reconsider it cuz I was on it for like 5 minutes but I wasn’t aware there was a fucking shadowban going on). I’ve also been tweeking my circle, and unfortunately my crazy ass has actually blocked patrons, so I’m literally kicking people out my life, because I’m suicidal and out-of-control apparently! Woo hoo rubber room y’all (I will escape. I escaped the facility in Alabama on more than one occassion and they had to change all their fucking rules because of me. I was 16 and on suicide watch half the time I was there but left the leader. I left the leader even though I escaped the building several fucking times and was on suicide watch. I AM SPECIAL. LIKE MY MIND IS STUPID POWERFUL YO.
I would just like to point out that I am not against sex work, I am against guys abusing the female population and I think sometimes my message might get lost in between my crazy ass behavior (I act out when I’m suicidal online because I feel very close to how Michael Hutchence did before he fucking tore up his body dying by suicide. Sometimes I want to take a razor blade and just go fucking crazy on myself so like I’m fucking unhinged right now, I know). THAT’S WHY I’M DISABLED. IT’S CALLED DEPRESSION. I WANT TO DIE. At least that’s what my thoughts keep telling me to do, which makes me cry about it, because it’s a really scary thing to think about and I don’t actually want to wind up like Michael Hutchence so I wind up attacking people online cuz I’m waiting for my knight to come save me I guess. It’s definitely not “in hospital care”, I don’t even know how they can call it fucking care, it’s fucking insanity. You go to the hospital, you say, “hi I’m thinking about killing myself and need some help” so they take your clothes from you and they take your phone from you, you can’t have anything that brings you pleasure, you can’t have any books, you can’t have any music, but you can have a Bible and big Pharma!!!!! I’m acting out. Sure. Because I don’t want to wind up like Chris Cornell, who was notifying his wife in the middle of his suicide act, via an app, which turned their bedroom lights on and off, and he did this after a sold-out show in a hotel room!!! I don’t want to wind up like my other heroes like Kurt Cobain or my best friend who died by suicide and every day it’s a battle to not fucking die!!!!
I’m not pretending to be depressed or suicidal. I’m a war veteran and I am being completely transparent about what I’m going through currently because I might die by this disease that I’ve essentially been battling my whole life but gets worse with every breath.
I don’t know what I would do if he blocked me back, I think I would actually fucking die. I’m a horrible person. I probably should die.
I don’t think I’m actually that horrible but some of my fucking actions are and make me really remorseful because I’m not a narcissist.
Every time I hurt him I just hurt me more.
But it’s a lesson I can’t learn because I keep hurting us.
I think maybe he should just fuck me. I think if I got laid half my problems would dissolve in an instance because I have like three years of writing this dude poetry and being insanely fucking madly in love with him and sometimes I’m a star collapsing under my own weight. Or he’s a black hole tugging me. Or I’m the black hole stealing his light. Or maybe we belong together.
Or maybe our love story is similar to that of dracul Vladimir Tepes. I’m trying not to dive off the tower like Mina did. Or, after he spends millenia looking for me, I have to end his misery only to be kept with my own (and still without him, tho the love won’t die). I fell in love with him, God won’t allow me not to love him, I was born loving him. This I know.
Edgar Allan Poe died without his love too. 😭
As soon as Johnny Cash lost his wife, he lost his battle to cancer. He gave up the good fight. 😭
I don’t want to live without him but I keep pushing him away! 😭
*sobs uncontrollably*
*the chances of dying in the street increased*
So on some days I’m ready to retire and on other days I’m ready to open up my nude Patreon tier. On some days, I want to die and on other days I’m living life.
Stay tuned. I’m bound to fall again. And again.
Some secrets I’m never telling. Be careful what the devil is selling.
His support he gave but not without conditions The money he waved it had omissions Like stating you are single when you are really married Like saying you are free with a green card that you carried
His hand was there but always tied with the devil And every moment there my soul could barely revel Yet obey that I would while he grasped onto my cross And for awhile he was helping but made it harder than I thought
Welp. How many more will knock on my door, just for me to close it????? I do get lots of hypothetical knocks on my door but it’s usually the devil knocking.
Or, I’m so completely broken and paranoid that I’m actually seeing people like demons now. Here a demon, there a demon, there are many more!
And I would make the church my home but I literally see the preachers as demons now too! It could be all the money they keep grasping for. I just want to jump up and yell “STOP TAXING THE POOR!” but state was removed from religion. Religion is its own entity governed by a different set of rules. That’s why the church’s didn’t have to follow any of the mandatory mask-wearing (or was that just Florida cuz nobody was social distancing either)? But yeah, churches don’t pay taxes, y’all know that right??? They pay zero taxes!!!! Now how many of these priests do you think are actually religious or “godly”- (because it often comes out that they’re cheating or pedophiles).
All they care about is money. It’s all show. Complete fams involved now. They all asking for your money!! So they can build more, bigger things!!!! Tax free!!!!! Give them your money!!!! Hurry!!!! Not just every Sunday but Wednesday too!!! Go ahead and text them a donation right now!!!! God is blessing you!!!! You are the chosen one!!! Repent sinners!!! Pay!!!!!! (I can’t believe people still believe in these fairy tales but I’m absolutely a believer in Jesus Christ, I know he existed, his message has been smeared by the narcissist running the world (NWO / Illuminati) and I am religious so don’t even come at me).
“You people who only believe with your miracles and wonders but what of those who believe without?” (something Jesus Christ said but you probably won’t remember because you need the miracles and wonders to believe). I don’t. I won’t. Never have. Never will. My road has been different than yours. I don’t need to idolize statues!!! But give them your money so they can build them big and grand for God!!
Jesus said, “pick up a rock and I am there”. “Any two people having a conversation in my name is having church”.
I’m talking, you’re listening = church holy holy
I started out 2020 going to church heavily until that one day they started speaking in tongue and touching me all over my body and that shit is on Instagram. I’m like, ‘maybe I could establish a connection with God speaking in tongue if people would stop touching my back and head’. So as a paranoid Soldier, yeah I don’t like doing church anymore. It was literally the one place I felt safe to cry in public and that was taken from me. 2020 is an asshole.
I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO GIVE YOU! STOP ASKING FOR IT WHEN I COME!!! GOD DOESN’T NEED MONEY OR STATUES!!! YOU NEED GRAND GESTURES SO YOU CAN PRETEND YOU ARE A DECENT HUMAN BEING TWICE A WEEK BY GIVING MONEY TO HELP THE POOR AND YOU HELP THE POOR BY BUILDING MORE CHURCHES FOR THE WEALTHY!!!!!! GOD IS GREAT!!!
Playing the angel 24/7. That tattoo on my chest means “faithfulness”. Faith is also my middle name. It’s more than a creed. A lifestyle. Angels are warriors and my friends, I am every bit a Soldier. =)
And then there’s that last relationship that I got into where the guy was proposing to me and posting his vows for me all over his social media to his fanbase yet no one told me he was fucking married (but that didn’t stop the love-bombing) and he would want me to go get my ring size but then later on he would literally yell at me for hours if I brought up anything about us actually getting married or engaged- because that’s what narcissists and lying assholes do. He couldn’t get married, he was still married, he never told me this when we got together or started a relationship, in fact, he told me he was single the entire time (but was in fact married and in another long-term relationship with another broken soul that he was looking to replace after all the fuel was spent). I became the next victim unfortunately.
They gaslight your reality. They systemically break you down. Like chess pieces. They love-bomb you (even in friendships or famalies) and then they’re cold to you when you’re not giving them the treatment that they think they want or deserve (even though their behavior is toxic as fuck). Yeah, let’s hang! From hot to cold! Yeeeee!!!! But then when I need them to be like empathetic about a situation, I’d have better luck not breathing. Either way, they always have a way to make you feel responsible for something you haven’t done.
You when you’re filling out paperwork and you have to check either the ‘single, married, or divorced box’- the single box now has “never married” (inparentheses) because these narcissist gaslight everything they do, literally.
The married ones will want to check the single box because they feel like they’re no longer in the marriage, (it’s just a piece of paper, they don’t care about the life that they are using or destroyed, they are already looking for a replacement and they’re not even divorced yet, or still married for that green card and that is loads of married baggage), and the divorced ones will want to check the single box even though they’re now divorced (because images; a narcissist wants to maintain his charming exterior).
But the single box is for people who never married, like me! I used to hate that dang single box but now that they added the “never-married” part to it, I really fucking enjoy it! I pride myself on being single and actually meaning the word! HONESTY! A RARE THING!!
Because you rarely hear people being honest these days about what their relationship status really is. You’ll learn later on, when they drop pertinent information in a very casual way. Like when they say something really shitty to you, followed by “it was just a joke” (like when you ask how you look and they respond “pregnant” as if being pregnant is un-beautiful- but it was a very low-key demeaning way to emotionally abuse you about your added weight gain). And if you ever get angry about something a narcissist does to you, they will trump your fucking anger, so much so, that you will doubt why you were even angry at all (classic narcissism gas-lighting 101, it must be exhausting being a narcissist, that’s why they’re so fucking cold and empty). Or, how you ask them a direct question, but they always tap dance around the answer you’ll never get. They put words in your mouth. You always feel aloof and confused. You’re dealing with a narC. You will never win. But you will lose your self-confidence and overall mind. Until you kill another or yourself or barely escape alive. And that’s what they want. To kill you alive. Because killing you for real dead is messier and might require jail time. It’s legal to manipulate someone and steal their finances and fucking soul. (Mine gets free rent in America unless he finally secured his green card, which he’d been looking for the perfect victim so he could still be basically a piece of shit and cheat all the time and lie). They never out grow the cumming addiction. They want it from as many online victims they can get, and in the real world). We’re sex objects no more. They have no remorse. Fake crocodile tears!!! Run!!
SINGLE (NEVER MARRIED). That’s me!!!
Basically, my cherry has not been popped (because let’s face it, losing your actual virginity is so outdated). This is the new cherry popping as I’ve just deemed it!!!
Marriage has nothing to do with luck! Catch me if you can! Be a better man? I ain’t ever getting married! And since I’m not tied down to a relationship or mortgage, I can move wherever I want, including out of America. I’m not a criminal but some sort of war hero many say and I will still maintain my VA benefits if I move country because I worked hard at my fucking career and deserve every fucking piece of mind I get! And every penny! I sacrificed MY LIFE!!! I’M BROKEN!!!! DISABLED!!!! CALL ME FUCKING LAZY AGAIN. I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!!!! And I’ll show you the butt of my rifle because the Army taught me how to use both ends!!!
And I got to wear lots of hats because I was great at wearing every hat they threw me. That’s why I have all sorts of awards, and medals, and certifications, and degrees. Recognition. It’s just a piece of paper like that marriage certificate you don’t give a fuck about. So why would I think you give a fuck about all my training or education or experience? You can’t even be factual on a government form about your fucking relationship status (let alone trying to start out friendships or potential romanceships), all based on lies (or mis-information or information withheld, which is the same as lying, it is manipulative and deceitful!
When will lying be held as a crime??? Utopian future?? It’s got to be better than this lying hell I’m trapped in!!! Honest peeps where ye at????
And these narcissist will do anything they can to maintain their secret lifestyle, so the gaslighting can go on for years in a relationship, which often does (as well as all the cheating; married guys are doing it more than you know and it’s so easy to get away with it these days with travel and internet). The divorce rate is high in America. So is rape. Porn is given to children by age 10 by fathers in fear of them turning gay!!!!! They get them hookers as a teen!! The Me Too movement is insane but real! I’ve never met one woman who hasn’t been raped or abused by a man, and often by more than one man! Guys are super connected to porn but they don’t know how to harness positive sexual energy!
Pedophilia exists and is in our homes and churches. It’s abundant and so is porn. I’m speaking out against the atrocities in the world and I no longer give a fuck if you like me.
Jesus said, “if the world hates you, remember that it hated me first”. And I know it hates me because I tell it of its atrocities.
Friendships and relationships are only hard because the foundations they are built on are started off with lies. The walls surrounding your home were built on lies. Your roof is a lie. Your life is a lie. You have no honor. No integrity. You will not die with such.
That’s not real forgiveness either, if acquired. You’re not really free or dying forgiven.
Lies are DESTRUCTIVE.
Gaslighting comes with emotional and physical abuse. Damages that often require intense therapy after, which there’s no guarantee you will ever recover from (and you likely have more than one narcissist in your life using these tools of manipulation to control you (they look like moms and dads and sisters and lovers). Stay woke.
When people learn to be honest with me I guess I’ll have more friends (and support)? Laughs maniacally.
*dies naked, drunk, unknown, poor, and possibly poisoned in the street, like my daddy Edgar Allan Poe*
I just no longer want to build any relationships to aquire support because I will lose it in one form or fashion (and I’m sure these narcissist are behind-the-scenes blaming me which is a fucking smear campaign).
Did I mention I’m depressed and suicidal???
*laughs maniacally in the street*
*dances with the devil*
*goes back to heaven home alone*
*hears knocking*
*wishes she was in a land without any devils*
*knock knock knock*
*sobs uncontrollably*
*begs for help*
*hears asteroid Apophis deep rumble and reply, “On my way”*
*sobs uncontrollably*
Did I mention I’m suicidal but also scared to die?????
*hears Apophis grumble, “too late”*
“I’m dying. I just want you all to know you’re dying too”.
This goes without saying, but if you read my poetry or support my writing in any way, I am really grateful! Thank you!
But for the love of God, please stop lying every second with every breath, I’m exhausted!!!!
Y’all evil exists. A lot of these monsters are super charming but the suicide rate continues to increase worldwide for a reason and it’s cuz y’all lying!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HONOR? YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST MAKE UP A RELIGION AND TAKE ON MULTIPLE WIVES? STOP HURTING THE FEMALE POPULATION. I’D RATHER IDENTIFY AS MALE AND LOOK LIKE A MALE THAN CONTINUE TO BE RAPED, ABUSED, EMOTIONALLY TORTURED AND ABUSED!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!
BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE! IT STARTS WITH YOU!
I’D RATHER CHECK OUT VIA SUICIDE THAN CONTINUE THIS FUCKING BIG LYING CHARADE FUCK FEST!!!!!
Awoke before sunrise, far below the clouds Lost hope before his eyes, fell below the crowds I stopped to smell his lies, now I’m seeking shrouds Though somnolent were his cries, now his pain enshrouds
I wish I could get some sleep. I guess I will when I die.
I’m on the Patreon, if you dig my writing and photography or digiart, there’s loads of EXCLUSIVE CONTENT up! You get cool perks for pledging and I get to keep writing and running my blog advert free! I really like writing! I’ve been practicing my art since I was a little girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it professionally!
Not today and probably not tomorrow either. Jesus himself could try to teach me the lesson of forgiveness but God literally made me incapable of learning it. I’m an angel. I am meant to send demons to hell. And I’m an ACTUAL warrior, highly and sufficiently trained by the United States Army for 15 years. Even been to combat, have seen war. Broken in more ways than one, but never my integrity. Not my honor. Not my pride for the sacrifices, I’ve done for my country.You can’t fucking break me, the Army already did. And I’m going to survive this apocalypse without you. Enjoy your proverbial bed. 😊
I cringe at socialites. Just not my thing. And that’s okay. Introverts deserve recognition too.
I barely can handle family events which is why I pretty much don’t do them anymore either.
2 am snapchat version me (and 48 hours no sleep, yay insomnia)!!!
And to the ones who give me space to do my work without any bullshit involved, thank you. I’ve said this like a thousand times before, but I am a war vet and I am not a social creature. You shouldn’t base how much I like you, on how often I come around. But there’s also certain platforms that I have gotten off of, for the most part like Facebook, because it’s toxic as fuck. I had stayed on the Instagram and Twitter but I’m kind of falling off the Twitter now too.
You’ll notice I’ve never had a contact box on my blog. I don’t participate in prompts. I’m currently not doing collabs. I’m not good with communicating anymore either. I don’t do social events, I don’t do social outings. I don’t people. I don’t even like knocks at my door or phone calls. I have disabilities and health issues that keep me isolated. But I still have to kill off friendships because they get mad at me for not wanting to go hang out at a bar. I don’t even drink. 👎👎
You can bribe me with food though at any point in the day. Be extra careful though at midnight because that’s when I’m the hungriest and turn into a gremlin if I DON’T EAT.
On the upside, I am considering adding a limited number video chat tier to my Patreon, as many writers and artists offer it. Can discuss anything, writing, read me something you’re working on, chat about the weather, get writing tips, get feedback on a project you’re working on. Whatever! Regular stuffs that these video chats are for (the non sex work stuff)!
I’m also wanting to add a print tier (which is coming hopefully within the next 60 days) and if I could get enough support rolling in, a cosplay nude tier. Costumes, makeup, props, equipment, these things require money. I’ll be needing to update my goals on my Patreon soon as I’m growing thanks to your feedback, encouragement, and continued support! ❤💪💪💪❤
I like my privacy and my solitude but you know, there are narcissists out there who give you the cold shoulder for it. I’m not freezing tho. I’ve got shelter. I paid my electric and rent + 9000 other basic cost of living expenses which keep the poor poor. But my feet are warm. I mean, the narcissists tools of manipulation just don’t work on me anymore. Sorry not sorry. Hungry and suicidal. On edge 24/7. Want to be on my own, create art and fuck the patriarchy… Basic 101. Art was always meant to be political. Or rather anarchical and against the norm. HELLO, THAT’S ME!!! *waves*
Insomniac queen
Thanks for checking out my work and supporting independent writers and mental health warriors! 💖
I’m on the Patreon, if you dig my writing and photography or digiart, there’s loads of EXCLUSIVE CONTENT up! You get cool perks for pledging and I get to keep writing and running my blog advert free! I really like writing! I’ve been practicing my art since I was a little girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do it professionally! 😍
In my dreams, wide awake, his kisses cause rainbows to form For his existence helps lessen the storm And every word is shaped by his form And in these poems are how I’m born
He’s the prompt for starlight Or how eyes have sight He’s the moon at midnight And for every word I write
Our equation reads: I love you times infinity (squared). Can you put that into a formula for us?
I have cursed freckles yes all over this pale ass flawed and scarred skin. It’s just a cover for my broken soul AKA the spirit AKA energy and energy cannot ever die, it can only transfer from one thing to another according to Einstein’s general relativity or whatever theory???No filter. Ugg I have the hazel eyes so they change on their own based on my mood and what colors I’m wearing. I never wear contacts ugg fuck plastic – it literally makes women lethargic. It’s so toxic ugggg but whatever okay. Perfection still doesn’t exist. I don’t want sensory deprivation and that’s exactly what plastic, TV, and porn does. Bah. Go back to sleep.
I walked across the desert with the Devil A slow trot ensuring I was careful He gave me paper and he gave me pencil He talked as though the world was sterile
He showed me war, he showed me death And I saw things that took my breath And still I marched into the depth And on I march digging deeper yet
The writing’s on the wall contain disillusionment And not a cry ever sounding jubilant And though it pale, a voice to help illuminate And at his wall I felt my soul rejuvenate
I took to paper and then to pen And as I wrote I felt again I spoke of how but never when But dreams with him weren’t filled with zen
And though his touch cannot be felt It is his words that make me melt And care not how his names are spelt For in his heart is where I’ve dwelt
Hi. I am still working on Halloween edits but I have over 50 + horror themed original pieces of cosplay digiart that will be loaded onto my Patreon campaign – original photography and digiart that my patrons have access to use for their own blogs, websites, or projects (or just to enjoy)! 😄
Your pledges give you access to exclusive original poetry and writing, photography, digiart, video, and GIFs, starting at just four quarters per month ($1 in the USA)!
I hope to be able to offer a print tier in the near future! It is currently in the pipeline (this will be under a new tier and photos will be printed on professional Kodak paper in various sizes)! If you’re into professionally recorded spoken word, I do that too (but in a higher tier). A lot of my spoken word is accompanied by elements and music, I do all of my recording, mixing, and editing through GarageBand, with an actual microphone and amp (nothing is recorded through a cellphone). I do everything professionally.
I can’t offer all my art for $1. That won’t buy a piece of gum and making art and writing is time-consuming and expensive. I’d like to be able to continue at this. I originally started out with one tier, but as I grow as a writer and artist, so does my campaign.
Although I don’t have any professional training in photography or digiart, it is something I’m very passionate about and Quentin Tarantino didn’t have any professional training either, he learned how to make movies by working at a movie gallery and watching movies.
I’ve been dabbling in photography and digiart, pretty much my entire life, so I think it’s pretty cool to be able to offer it to you as a perk for supporting my campaign. I work in real-time and supporting my Patreon campaign is the best way to support my on-going creativity.
I try to to give you really cool perks in return for your pledges at fair membership prices. My campaign is one low monthly fee (not “pay per thing”), and it keeps this blog going and advertisement free (zero spam). So your support is greatly appreciated.
My love – If words thee fail, you have two skies Please don’t let them close But should sleep forever cover your eyes Please leave me your prose
Walk slowly towards me please My heart exceeds light speeds When you are nearing infinity
Your lips come in seasons All at once Each syllable attached to luminance So much it haunts And dare I reason What each word wants?
I’m glad you are talking Like watching stars walking Stretching to infinity like they are something The twinkle in my eye you were hoping You’re the reason I am coping Your every moment I keep groping
She was an angel and he was a demon But he wanted her more than he wanted heaven
I want your breath as my nectar Dripping and sapping My tongue a collector Your favorite protector
You turn my knees to oceans My pleas to motions Sometimes so intense the notions I reach out in explosions Like SUPERNOVA the dosage
But it’s not enough I need more doses EXPANSION YET MOVING CLOSER You plow through me like a dozer But it’s not enough, I need another!! So set the clock for more exposure!
You turn me into a beast On your words I prey and feast Stay away or keep me leashed Say a prayer then call a priest Saw your face and pulse increased Heard your voice then pain decreased I love you most just not the least
My love, my horns have been blaring Double-daring, over-caring Our love I’m never sharing It won’t stop the world from staring
My love we are tethered to fate With a circle eight
We are the universe experiencing itself in poetic form I wasn’t alive until our love was born
My love, what will you do when the winds carry me to lands out of reach?
My spirit gliding past your dreams and hopes per chance for a final kiss?
What will hold your heart against the crush?
Don’t let it bury you, the rush.
Don’t let my love fade from your veins, for I will be resting between each beat.
Lifetimes of sleep.
You silence the war in my head.
Don’t fall dead.
I am still under your feet.
Even when I’m not there.
And the stars up there you see, you and me.
Do not let time callous our love.
Nor fear.
My love, I am still here.
Mistakes come plenty.
You are still the very best of me.
Breathe.
Taste me in the air, on your tongue, everywhere.
I care.
Let my dust blow in the wind.
I’m still under your skin.
Touch me.
Death cannot erase me.
I must travel with the stars.
Freely.
My love traveled 13 billion years to reach you.
Look how far.
Distance is but a scar.
My love, put the ache in a story and read it softly.
Speak aloud.
Let your vibrations break the cloud.
I am listening and I am proud.
My love, cry into our garden if you must.
I will be collecting your tears from heaven.
My eyes upon you and angels times seven.
Do not doubt.
The rains too will flood the sky.
It’s not goodbye.
That’ll never exist for you and I.
Oh hi, hello. It’s just me underneath all the digital editing. Fear nots! 🙂
Energy can’t be destroyed Iron gates can’t stop what God deployed A toxic giant void Overly paranoid Or just just ignored
They’re all for her Illogical Every single word I observe I’m just a neurotic girl He uses to rise and stir And I concur He wants forever Just in another world
I come But then I’m gone Lost on the run I understand But then I’m dumb I jump But then I’m stunned I speak Then tongue is wrung I won’t compete Unless I’ve won
All you ever care about is the life you built What is it but an island of guilt
You ripple the fabric of time Dropping poems like pebbles But who out there should feel each wave As if were all mine?
My love, I can’t block the fabric of time or my love for you. I’ve tried endlessly to. Cutting out the need like truth. I lie to do.
My love, I smell your fear and read it as silence. And while my hands are small they hold such violence. My light gets lost in your iris. But I would die for this.
Stop using me to bleed Cut you from my feed Amputate the need Your evil seed
Look at me all frail and pale A ghostly figure freckled with fright Look at all the shite I write It’s best if I stay out of sight
I block the channel But can’t stop the feed I numb existence Just not the need
Why do you give out your fruit To awful prey She’s dug a root You’re just her slave
I’ve had just about enough of this bandwagon Exiting stage right quickly to abandon Sick of watching other hearts you stuff and over fatten Meanwhile there’s a spotlight on every fault that’s ever happened
I’ve spent enough time following this circus To simply know this isn’t our purpose But your mask is her clown behind an ugly curtain And you’ll never change, this we know for certain
There’s a thick layer of doubt Enveloped over more doubt Hope is now in drought I’m lost en-route There’s no love about
He’s all beast in cardigan Lying every second if he can All over earth they span His name is man
I’ve got very fine silks growing from my head Still they call me dead
Leave me alone to rot Let hope decay Find my love an empty plot The cost too high to pay
You’re better than a pyramid scheme Riding piggyback over her every broken dream Her methods outdated and obscene She’s a copycat queen
I set myself apart Too many broken feet Trying to compete For the best of me I’m not meat For them to eat But they try and feast In a frenzy Still tied and chained To mistakes yet more they seek Well I’m not weak
You’re better than that wheel of fakery
Not your enemy Not your friend You got empathy Just not my hand
Not your ally Not your wife You got power But still cause strife
Not your favorite Not your worst You got popularity But I’m still first
Why are you still hanging out with that gang? Riding the fake ass gravy train Hopping bandwagon after bandwagon under her name She’s hoping for fame You’re missing your game
He’s got alot of money, he’ll even call you friend But he will only make you feel cheaper in the end He’s got alot of money, but not a spine for him to stand And I’ll kick his ass if he ever comes ’round here again
Safety ever an illusion Tiptoeing over delusion Frozen lakes of confusion This hand is for losin’
He doesn’t want me for himself He doesn’t want me with anyone else He doesn’t want me for himself He doesn’t want me
Tell me, when mountains crumble beneath your feet When you’ve got a tongue, but no breath to speak When your knees are trembling and you’ve fallen weak Is it ever me you think you need?
He won’t support me month after month for my work And he’s got more rooms than he can fill I’m tired of even trying When to the world I have no worth
I’m all nerve endings Pockets lined with anxiety
I am pen within pen Leaking under skin Bleeding from within Marching forward Chained to sin Our time is thin
Tell me, Did heaven not swing from eternity to hear you speak? How the stars kneel before you every night just to get a peek Do comets not form from your wishes and pass you by and wink? Clouds they gather from your sighing, they cry so you can drink?
Tell me, Do seas part open their oceans when you feel you’re on the brink? When you feel lost in the open water, did the earth not share her ink? Tell me when you dreamed of love, did she ever look like me? And had you not drank my holy water, would your soul have gone extinct?
Do you recall When you were lost In purgatory of the loss So numb in the dark No light or a spark How much I cared?
If you remember I held your crown I took your cross Through the desert and across All your sins at no costs Though your pain has been shared
If you flush your eyes Stop looking down Where your heart knows holocaust Clear the fog and the frost Find your soul where I’m embossed And stop asking where
If only words were removed from page And hearts were not full of grey I’d lift the sun in such a way Your burdens would just turn to ray And I’d be there with heart to say I love you every single day
There’s a good chance my poetry isn’t beautiful at all but it’s just how he makes me feel. Inadvertently, I mean. Because I am nothing and nothing is for me. 👍
Who am I writing for anymore? To whom do these words belong?? I don’t know if I can distinguish the dream world from the real world anymore.
Neo helps.
Morpheus:
Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?
The Matrix
What if you couldn’t distinguish the dream world from the real world?
I mean the only positive news that has come out of 2020 is the fact that the Matrix 4 is coming out and I’m trying to stay alive for that shit (it’s only news that they’re making another one- doesn’t mean the movie is coming out in 2020).
Can you teach me how to not worship you???? Before I go to New Orleans and see a voodoo doctor and start casting spells on you????????? Cuz, I mean, it’s moving up on the to-do-list, FYI.
Fool. I don’t know if you’re my kryptonite or what, but I’d take a fucking bullet for you ( I prefer offense and saving though, that’s what I’m efficiently trained to do).
I literally want to just leap Into Your Existence and wrap my entire body around you in a hug. I don’t think that’s normal response. I’m like a wild fucking animal. You like- turn me into a werewolf on a full moon. Can I ravage you?????
Fuck. I can’t breatheeeeee.
There ain’t a pill in heaven that makes me feel as good as your fucking existence.
Blocking is like putting a fence up for your own protection. So I don’t fucking turn all werewolf on you.
Cuz I do have a little bit of werewolf blood in me too. 🙂
I do stupid shit like howl at the moon- but once you’ve been sleeping in fox holes in a war zone in the middle of the fucking desert in Iraq for months at a time – yeah bitch howl til your heart’s content.
hanging onto love with all that I have and am, by tooth and nail…It’s too earlyzzzzz. I don’t want to be up but I couldn’t sleep so I wrote this instead. kitty katjust a gal and her guitar
My love, if you’ve ever known truth, know my tongue Love is the reason for why I’ve come Heaven is leaking from my lung
My middle name is Faith and it’s more than just a name. (But go ahead and attach digital currency to my worth).
I look on you and continents and oceans disappear Into the thin atmosphere Wishing you were here
I hope one day you find the street that leads to my arms.
He didn’t know what to tell her, He didn’t want to lie. He just knew anything was better, Than the truth he had to hide.
I read them… They just don’t draw attention Not like yours I’m alive in your world Like leopards leaping giants Our history to be explored I’m alive forevermore Your words are gems on peaceful shores Do you think they’ll ever find our matching hidden doors? Love written like puzzle pieces Rearranged and then re-written I’m smitten! Insert your phrase like a vampire I’ve been bitten! Got me itching! Crawling over the people I’m ditching!
She’s a Goddess hidden under crutch, What price would you pay to feel her touch?
All the things
I’m still a favorite under veil A full moon can shine from hell
Been writing and recording in my studio all day today.Where the magic and curses happen. 🎃“Where are you? / I am sitting on the Moon“Itching to pick my guitar. Practice session tomorrow hopefully! Werking. Recording them rhymes. Just yer average gal doing extraordinary thingsMe. Baghdad, Iraq. 2003. I did not blow up the building, our Marines did. I was a combat medic and deployed with the 212th MASH (Mobile Army Surgical Hospital) for Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom – OEF/OIF. HOOAH. I’m fighting wars with my pen now instead of my M16… don’t tread on me. Although I am an efficiently trained killing machine, I was also skillfully trained to heal people. 15 years of hard training and the Army never does anything half ass. I don’t either. I’ve got a ton of awards, medals, and certifications “but these stories don’t mean anything / when you’ve got no one to tell them to”… Warning: may bite suddenly and without warning. Proceed with caution. Ich habe hunger (I am hungry). I’m not bandaging wounds today, well I am, but different kind of wounds, and with ink and paper (my pen is also lethal). But I prefer home life now over foxholes in Iraq…Writing is what I’ve always wanted to do. Between both my jobs, being a single parent, and going to college full-time, my writing and passion got buried. Life is hard for some of us. We’re not all born with a silver spoon and spineless spine. Think I might have my next reel written. 8 lines this time. 👀That one time Val Kilmer acknowledged my existence on Twitter with some love. It’s remained my pinned Tweet ever since. He has been one of my favorite actors since I was 10 years old- so for him to love my pen name is a pretty incredible compliment as a poet and writer. It’s okay to be a little jealous. I get jealous of me too. 😂 It’s just a Tweet you say. Well yeah, one that needs to be printed out and framed and hung on my wall in my studio. It’s kinda a big deal for me still. Most people promote their blog or something with a pinned Tweet. Not me, got Kilmer up. There are people that don’t even know who he is and they get to vote. *rolls eyes* 👀I’ve been really busy creating and I haven’t had much time for anything else. I’m just needing to get this stuff out before I die. My entire life has been just trying to survive and get by. This is the one chance the universe has given me. Crowds were never much for me. Spiral out, keep going…
So stick around if you wanna. I need to stop screwing around and get a schedule put together for Twitch so I can start bringing open mic night to you. Loving people with depression requires a lot of patience. That’s probably why I don’t have a lot of people that love me. But if people would stop treating me like shit, I probably wouldn’t be depressed. So goes the circle of life.
I can’t stand things in my eyes so never did contacts again. Plastic to me is like silver to werewolf. These were Angel contacts but I’ll never wear them again. I feel everything, it’s why I hate life. Might start wearing my eyeliner like that again. I’m a tomboy and like things messy, like my makeup. I’ve never once had anybody compliment my eyes, at least not the color. I normally get compliments on my fucking teeth (followed by “did you get braces” uhhh no). The only enhancements I have on me are tattoos, hair dye, and piercings. And I need more of all these things. But me no likey pain. Yep. But for who???? *sobs uncontrollably*
Holy moly!!! Yes it does feel good!! Thank you for watching! This is the first time I’ve ever gone viral so for it to reach 500 plays and then 1000 plays all in under 24 hours is phenomenal! I’m shook to see this in my notifications! 😍
Thank you all for watching!! 😍
Over 1K plays already on my new reel I just released less than 24 hours ago!!! 😍
I’m definitely inspired to get my first Tik Tok video going. So thanks a bunch! I appreciate the virtual cookies/ inspiration!
Instagram has notified me today that my poetry reel has reached 500 views and 1000 views! I released it less than 24 hours ago! 😍Shook. Thanks y’all for watching my reel! Dropping that spoken word like it’s HAWT.
It doesn’t mean I’m famous and it doesn’t mean I’m rich but can I just please enjoy going viral for the first time in my life and for doing something original and on my own. This is my passion. I’m showing you the best of me (it doesn’t mean I’m perfect, I’m just giving it my all). And believe it or not, I’m actually scared doing this stuff.
Might need to perform in my mask more often. And I want to get better at making Reels and Tik Tok’s obviously. They should offer a class where you can pay, I totally would. If I had enough Patreon support, I could start hiring a team (editor, manager, talent agent, ect)! 🙂 It’ll never happen but one can dream! It doesn’t stop me from shooting for the stars! 🙂
🙏🙏🙏
Once it reached 500 plays (some 14 hours after it was published) it only took 3 more hours for it to have another 500 plays, putting it over 1000 plays in roughly 17 hours, reaching 1K status in under 24 hours, for an original poem I wrote, which is incredible! I’ve never done anything like this before. But it’s very encouraging! Thanks for watching my reel!! 😍
Woot! Update! My new poetry reel is going viral because I got my first ever notification that my reel has had 500 plays!! It hasn’t even been out 24 hours yet y’all!!! 😍😍😍😍😍
It’s already had more plays than all my previous reels!!! ENCOURAGING. CHECKMARMATE PLEASE! 😍
*happy dance, pees self*
500 plays in its first 14 hours released 😍🙏
Apparently Instagram thinks it’s worth notifying me that my reel has had 500 plays already! 😍
Again, on hour 14 or something currently! 😍
It feels pretty damn good to write a poem and go viral all in the same fucking day okay.
Stepping my game up poetically but I broke a set of fangs yesterday doing so yet I still managed to not have a complete meltdown and jump off a fucking bridge before I got the poem recited for you. I’m down a set of fangs now (might jump a bridge still wahhhhhh).
If you prefer, you can just search Instagram for my profile, I’m under my pen name POEETERNAL.
I made a new poetry reel!! Freestyle wrote the poem then decided to perform it for you from my little home studio!! It won’t go viral or get many likes but I’m proud of the poem I wrote! Some of them become my word pets I guess (favorites). I’m a living, breathing rhyme. I’m still alive. 🙂
This reel has been out 10 hours and it’s already racking up the views (compared to my previous reels).
I don’t put all my faith into these algorithms.
First of all, it’s insanely hard to just speak in a set of fangs but then try performing in a set! It ain’t easy!
Made it to 42 without a single fucking grey hair. Adding that to my resume.
What’s yer secret to youth? Don’t get married.
*insert crazy laugh*
All I really want is my guitar and you.
I gots to go. More crying to do. Festering. But in between the crying and the dying, I’m rhyming. Not lying…
I call myself a poet because I practice the art of poetry. I don’t need anyone else to tell me who I am, when pen and blood are one.
Practice run. No fangs. Memorization and recital. I have a brain injury so sometimes just speaking easy words is hard. I don’t really feel like just sitting in front of a camera and reading to you from my monitor like I’m void of life. A for effort? A+ because I broke the bar? A little heart sticker from the teacher too??? 100s all across the board. Yay!!! (watches post get 2 likes and always picked last in school. I’m still your parents favorite and the teachers pet)I call myself a poet because I practice the art of poetry. I don’t need anyone else to tell me who I am, when pen and blood are one.Money doesn’t make you rich. You got the devil’s itch. You’re full of it.
I know why Edgar Allan Poe died in the street, I know why Einstein quit school, I know why Jim Morrison quit college & disappeared from the world. I’m know why I’m about to quit life. 🙂
*dies some weird mysterious heartbroken death in the fucking street*
I was all darkness, cold and gas A baby stellar nursery forming with mass But along lit my flame when it was you who came to pass I’d give you every bit of starlight if ever you would ask
I already had a poem with Starlight as the title. Totally forgot about this one. And it’s a good one. I’m getting ready to put a book together of love poems but my god I’ve written so much poetry in the last two years and it is not organized at all- I need your help. I need you to come organize my poetry like Pamela did for Jim Morrison because I’m Morrison’s daughter and just as disorganized poetically. People have even told me I possess a room like Morrison when I walk into it (pre war days). I’m a mess. Helps. 💞
I love you so hard, don’t I baby?
If you appreciate this blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon so I can pay my bills and eat: www.patreon.com/poeeternal
If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here.
Picked up a new mask for the cosplay from my patron support (I am not in costume here but this is me)! It’ll be used in upcoming shoots! I’ll be making more photography / digiart that you may use for your own projects! It will be loaded into my campaign as exclusive content! Thanks so much! 💞
Cliffnote: Still apologizing to my love (and enemies) for uprooting his existence and shining my light on his darkness that he’s pulling and sucking every bit of light from me, until you won’t be able to distinguish the light from the dark as we become one, our words embedded with time.
If you appreciate this blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon so I can pay my bills and eat: www.patreon.com/poeeternal
If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here.
My hair is getting so long (on one side) it just curls around me and every inch of this silky fabric is organic, real, homegrown from my skull, and mine (though it tangles just from thinking about blowing on it, brush it from down up please and in sections or it tangles while brushing and never brush it wet, ever or you’ll ruin my fine silks *sigh*. I just know someone’s going to fuck my hair up when I die. DON’T FUCKING TOUCH IT AND DON’T FUCKING LET THE GOVERNMENT CREMATE MY BODY FOR FREE AND GIVE ME A WHITE TOMB AND BURY ME WITH OTHER UNKNOWN SOLDIERS. Instead, freeze me and give my body to science and they can clone me and bring me back to life digitally or like for real in the future. I’m down with that but don’t stick me in a fucking box either 6 feet under. If you do though, let my hair keep growing, don’t touch it, that’s my point. La la la
I don’t know how many poems I’ve written, because life is chaos and order, but 99.9979% have been for you. But what came first, the black hole or the star? Could the star be where it’s at today without the black hole? What if all these chemicals and elements exist because ionization occured from the black hole? What if I’m the black hole instead and you are the star? What if none of these poems were ever written? What if I never feel your actual kiss? Might die… might survive… might go supernova in your sky.
So, I hate you and I love you. “My indecision is final”.
I see what they write about you. But it doesn’t fucking compare, to the magnitude of the words we write each other (I mean the words you don’t write me at all but do but don’t but do but don’t but do). Ahem. *gets back in coffin* I’m over everything and I want to hibernate through winter…
The only thing that mattered were how we were to one another Many children go without a father or a mother They only know abuse from the hand of every lover It’s simply poor excuse you failed to be a brother
If you appreciate this blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon so I can pay my bills and eat: www.patreon.com/poeeternal
If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here.
Surrounded by howling winds Heavy rains as regret Your dreams as my silhouette Your sins as my sins
Been resting with the lights on Not getting any sleep though Living in a hostile zone Better approach me slow
Your hand may be cold but you woke me from the dead Your whisper I can’t hear but your words live in my head
Push them away I do Then seal the door shut with a nail or two Not made for you
Still they accrue The no’s, the warnings, it isn’t new I’m turning blue
The balance is off The pendulum tipped We’re slaves to the 1 percent
The only redemption it all will burn The good, the evil, all is done Prayer won’t stop things to come
I’m always writing and it’s rather frightening
Lost every single thing we had From a fire that seem to spread No point in blaming whose more dead
How can you say those things to me in private While ignoring me in the public eye I don’t like it Your trust is a lie
They don’t understand the sanctity of marriage How the other person’s soul is a carriage They only want to cage any heart they manage They have no remorse for the things that they damage
Finding someone worth loving is a needle in a haystack
Checkmate
Waiting for you to make your move Wondering how your next play will improve Did your mistake stick you like glue Into another’s arm’s you flew Do you know that you can fuck yourself too?
I’m never visiting your blog again and I donated your book to the bin
She misses you while the other is warm I no longer care who is on your arm The fundamental constants you only bring harm You seem like a prince but it’s only fake charm
The ways of the world ain’t right The 1% built a world of greed and fright The poor chained with no voice to fight
You stepped into my event horizon I swallowed you like lava risin’ Got sick of all the compromising Signals fired with no replying Your tongue is black and good for lying
As you watch your view count slowly drop Unless Instagram brings you more fame than you thought? But I am gone with nothing bought I came with nothing and left with naught
There’s nothing on the TV I ever want to watch I’m feeling fairly empty – And I drank all of his scotch
Others think I’m winning I’m crying ’round the clock Enemies always leeching Thieving in a flock
Look at all the cum stains The mind games
You say I don’t care enough I call your bluff Pushing and pulling Your hand is rough I don’t like it tough
I start out right but slowly drift to wrong I know how to forgive but it never lasts me long
You’re the sole proprietor of fucking up my life You should have aborted me with a knife Instead you cause me decades of strife I’m thinking of ending my life tonight
She’s a hypocrite To be two-faced you won’t need a permit The road is lined with her endless bullshit I’m over it!
The more I come together, the more I fall apart
If only we practiced the art of love instead of war If only I were the girl you were searching for
Wake me from the dead Meet me under ethereal sky In the twilight Because you’re the starlight
Our love is indivisible The dreams I’m living for I find you beautiful Your opals I adore
Bury me deeply where you bleed Plant me near your sacred seed Leave, but know you’re all I need Follow holy signs or let me lead
Do you collect my broken parts? Are they keepsakes in your heart?
I hope my enemies stay off of my grave!
We always regret we don’t have more time If only I had… We could’ve… I should of…
But we don’t. Or we won’t. No matter how sad.
There’s a halo around the moon A sign you’ll see me soon
Mountains have limits They come in sharp peaks Piling up my guts to flee it You won’t find me here in weeks
The last flower in me died I sat for hours and I cried Watched the sun burn gold With eyes that only spied
The last flower in me tried It spread its petal far and wide But the sun disappeared and I’m old It’s simply time for me to hide
Now posting videos of me practicing my guitar and singing on Instagram. A first. I never play or sing in front of anyone. Sacred parts of me. I’m also awful. That may account. 🎃
I’m also on LinkTree so you can find me on the web easier. (It’s been made known to me that people are stealing or using my ideas without so much as even giving me a courtesy of a like or my blog a follow. That is intellectual theft and plagiarism. I don’t mind being a muse for you but the least you could do is follow my blog or like the post that inspired you. I have copyright laws posted here for a reason and WordPress is a publishing site so everything I publish here is backed by copyright law. If you are using me as a muse, would you at least consider joining my Patreon for $1 or joining the donation tier? When I tell you that I’m at risk of becoming homeless again and that I can’t afford to eat, I’m not lying to you. I can’t even afford to buy alcohol or weed to numb the fucking pain of existence and I’m depressed and suicidal. 👍👍
Now posting videos of me practicing my guitar and singing on Instagram. A first. I never play or sing in front of anyone. Sacred parts of me. I’m also awful. That may account.
I’m slowly chipping away at the madness Panics in the twilight with silence loud as riots There’s smiling on my face but my head is filled with sadness I thought he had a hand but it turns out he is spineless
I start out each day as if I’m facing Goliath At any moment I am ready to face violence Though humble are my feet when they are sleeping quiet When you hear me roar you’ll learn I am a lioness
We need entire continents to separate my rage And I don’t give a fuck if you think I act my age Make a note on your calendar or erase the fucking page It doesn’t change the fact we deserve a decent wage
Starving for food and love during a year long plague I’m fairly fucking certain I’ve been yelling from my cage But to the world full of green it’s a giant fucking stage And they don’t ever hear a word I fucking say!!!!!
I don’t want your support if it costs me my peace of mind. I’d rather starve. Or die in the street like Poe which is exactly where I’m heading if I don’t learn to LET IT GO.
I SEE THROUGH MONEY TO SEE YOU EMPTY AND WANTON AND NEVER HAVING MY FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, OR RESPECT. YOU CAN’T BUY THAT. YOU CAN’T BUY ME. IT’LL BOTHER YOU ONE DAY. BUT I’M ALREADY GONE. 👍
If you appreciate this blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon so I can pay my bills and eat: www.patreon.com/poeeternal
If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here.
PoeEternal 