See, this is why I already like the Twitch platform and I do plan to start using it more once I get my master bedroom set up the way I want and move my TV and my gaming system and everything back here
I’ve been getting hit on Instagram about my posts not being seen by other users because of my background music – so thank you Twitch for letting me understand what Big Bro has been doing to my account.
👇👇👇
Instagram has become a dreadful platform to use. Not only do I have to worry about my content being erroneously reported or having to fight the algorithm bots, but now I’m dealing with even more censorship because of the background music I chose to be playing when I’m dancing or working out.
Street teaming was once glorified and now you get in trouble for it literally!!!!
It’s nice to see though that Twitch is actually upset that Big Bro is messing with peoples accounts like that even though this isn’t Instagram or Facebook, it’s Twitch.
But it also means not every company or app is bowing down to Big Bro.
My new free OF is still pending – and I intend to start using Twitch to livestream more – even for the nights I’m gaming. I had Twitch set up with my computer in my home studio but when I did my poetry livestream, the audio was cutting in and out – but not during the performance, I could only hear the technical issues after. It wasn’t an issue with my mic.
I don’t really know what I’m doing and I have a brain injury so when something goes wrong I get stuck and I don’t have anybody to help me. 😏
Unless I am selling you a product on Instagram, Insta has made sure I become obsolete.
“We believe they used automatic tools to scan”
Yup!!! No god damn privacy! We’ve moved into an actual Hitler state and 1984 is now but you can go get a free donut at Krispy Kreme for just obeying!!!!
It’s hip, it’s cool to peer pressure somebody into doing something that they don’t want to do or to steal someone else’s ideas and copy them!!! Bullying is okay because it’ll become a TikTok that has gone viral!
It’s no wonder all the good people like me are going unhinged and taking all you motherfuckers out!
I hope to watch the next shootout with a livestream at the next one with my little fucking cheerleading outfit and a goddamn stick on a pole cheerin the motherfuckers
Woo hoo you got another!!!!
The entire morning shift!!!!
Go you!!!!
And look at you not even messing with the fucking law, you didn’t even care about the cops, you knew cops were gonna take you out, you were going to get as much of the motherfuckers that pissed you off on the morning shift!!!
You are now my effing hero!!!
I’m going to start sensationalizing the fucking gun shooters!!!
Woo hoo yee hawwwww!!!!
1984 is now and I’ve been ridiculed and silenced by the same system I fought to protect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Twitch for having the little guy’s back!!!! I love you!!!!!!!
I mean, the world is falling apart, but I still love you.
It’s ridic. Right? 🤔
God created this obsession FYI
And I actually know what a black hole feels like
I actually know what Sagittarius A* feels like
It’s possible that sometimes I am Sagittarius A*
When other girls are talking to you
👀
But like I love this dude and the love has manifested to be real because he bought me pizza 👀
😑
Uhm, so I haven’t lost all my ass or leg progress yet but I feel nowhere near like I’m ready to start fitness again and it’s really scary to be having these kind of heart problems at my age over a fucking vaccination.
If you’re still supporting me even though I am dying and venting on the daily, thank you.
I get called lazy for serving my country and I get called lazy for having an OnlyFans.
Jesus Christ left Mary Magdalene in charge of the gospel and they wiped her from the books and labeled her a whore.
Just like me!!!
They create poor conditions for you to live in and then condemn you for trying to survive.
They fucking condemn you if you try to die by suicide as well.
“No no no you’re not allowed to die like that, it’s a sin”!
Apparently it’s a sin if you lust after somebody else even though that is actually biology
And “a sin” if you try to die because you don’t want to live in this bullshit life
The only thing that is not a sin is giving them money
Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of your money
Thank you for making my new TikTok number one on my channel! I’m always afraid to even do one because the competition is so fierce! 👀
My TikTok clocks in just over 15 seconds but it has already been played over three hours!! 👀
It shows the average watch time as being longer than the actual TikTok (does this mean you were suspended and experienced time dilation)? 👀
683 accounts reached! Holyshit! I’d pee myself! I can’t perform in front of people. Hell, I can’t even type if someone is standing over me. If I am eating and I am into a guy and he sits down and starts talking to me, I will choke on my food. I iz nerd. 👀
I love making TikTok’s and I am trying to get better. I’d like to make more. But not 3 a day more. Those creators are just copying things that have already been done. And they have all the equipment they need that I don’t have. 👀
I have other videos too on my channel – I don’t have a set theme. But I do prefer using it more creatively than journalistically. Apparently you are supposed to respond to comments with more videos (even the negative comments). Eh, no thanks.
Thanks for checking out my work and for supporting content creators!
I’m sorry there has been less content lately, I am still recovering from heart related issues but the passion is still in every thing I do (including the rants). 👀
I played everything how I was supposed to
I did everything I was supposed to in society and look where it fucking got me 👀
I have a college degree but the recession has gone on longer than the Great Depression did, and I remember specific conversations my grandmother told me about living through that experience.
So if you’re out there supporting me financially, I appreciate you even more.
Dying (maybe) but not giving up or quitting.
And I’ve been writing like mad, and am working on a draft for my Patreon rewards for the month of May!!! Y’all have stuck with me and I appreciate you so much! Your support paid my domain operating fees this month too and I am grateful ! Thank you!!
Writing has always been my dream and my passion, this is what I’ve always wanted to do! Along with guitar, music, and acting but my stage fright has proved challenging over the years (and my brain injury).
I do have a few public post on my Patreon and you can follow for free and get those free rewards when I post public content! I drop poems from time to time (poetry that hasn’t been posted anywhere else).
My lowest tier is $1 if you’d like to support my ongoing creativity while earning perks and rewards! 💝
It keeps this blog up and going, the content coming, as well as advertisement free! Zero spam ever on my blog! No ads! So you can read and watch my content with a virus looming. 👀
I started my campaign in 2020 and grateful for my patrons!!! 💖
I really appreciate that you let me focus on my art instead of being a socialite (I’ve never been one of those).
I don’t actually do good around people.
And I’ve always been very intuitive and to know things before they happen.
“But what’s really going to boggle your noodle later is would you have even broken it if I hadn’t of said anything“ 👀
And that my friends is the only answer I need to know in life.
My new TikTok is getting some views! It got a few likes too! I was just messing around trying to learn some new tricks (that everyone else makes it look so easy) cuz I wanna make some more! I wasn’t expecting it to get past 50 views or even any likes. But it has! Cool, thanks for watching!
Was just having a bath thinking how water must be similar to a black hole and vice versa – The Fibonacci sequence – galaxies – how storm clouds on Earth are the same as a gas giant like Jupiter- it’s the same patterns and makeup. Snails. Biology. Poem. 🤓
It’s hard for me to even understand the concept of a black hole but I’m trying to with water.
It drains
👀
So do galaxies.
Where does all that gas stuff go?
The multiverse?
Because I’m believing more and more in a multi-verse than a big bang.
I’ve only just now understood that Jupiter is two times farther away from us than the sun, which is why it looks so tiny.
I thought Jupiter was just smaller but I knew it was far away I just didn’t realize it was that far away
👀
So what they gonna do when they reach another galaxy?
Give them a bible and start the same routine? Burning people at the stake for not believing?
Fear, it’s molecular now innit.
😑
They called Mary Magdalene a whore too and tried to erase her from the books, sound familiar?
My heart is feeling better – as far as the constant throbbing pain goes
The extreme lethargy has not gone away
I still don’t like the taste of food unless it’s junk
There’s this weird metallic taste in my mouth
There’s this taste like my brain chemicals have been messed with
👀
I’m still having chest pain
It’s not as scary bad
Like maybe that heating pad actually has been helping – plus time
I’ve never been so tired in my life
I actually felt my body sweat for the first time today but you know being called a cheap whore doesn’t fucking help the stress
It’s nice to actually feel my feet and armpits get warm
👀
I don’t really like eating food anymore but I’ve been forcing myself to eat
I’m starting to learn that there’s a lot of things I don’t actually like anymore
Like how people use art to harm
Like how banks hide criminal activity
But if I told my doctor I wanted to fucking kill myself they would fucking take me away
Not just any doctor but my fucking therapist- the one person that I should be able to tell anything too – but yet a banker and like anybody can get away with anything – Like moving large lumps of cash but yet my bank will freeze my fucking debit card if I try to spend anything over $500 or $200 -whatever it is, I gotta call and get approval to spend my own goddamn money because it’s been declined and that is embarrassing – wtf
But these bankers and criminals get special treatment?
🧐
Wait – Nothing against you wanting a sex change operation but menthol cigarettes are now banned by the FDA
🧐
Biden wants to nuke Russia
He’s such a good little puppet (I forgive you for voting for him I think)
All the Hollywood anti Russia propaganda
Mark fucking Burgess is still alive
😑
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Oh wait, medical update right 👀
I don’t like how tired I feel all the time
I have three test pending being scheduled -all related to my heart – and I was approved for getting community care – which means I don’t have to drive all the way to Lake Nona 76 miles away one way for just one of those test times 3
Now I’m waiting on community care to call me with the appointments and for the VA to approve it- pay for it – all that fucking shit
It’s actually a relief I don’t have to drive to Lake Nona even though it’s a gorgeous hospital because I-4 is like playing Russian roulette 👀
Nobody around here likes the I-4
Avoid I4 at all costs
👀
Interstate Four
I feel a poem coming on
I hateeeeee the I4
👀
I’m not sure where community care will be, it could be New Smyrna Beach, it could be Ormond Beach, it could be Daytona Beach, I don’t know yet, I hope it will be in my city Daytona Beach.
I don’t think anybody really knows what the fuck they’re doing anymore
I mean there are a few people out there who are really into their job and they’re really good and occasionally you run into those really good people and that’s why you wanna fucking support them
I’m praying my doctor never leaves! 🙌
You feels?
👀
I’m 4 weeks in now after dose 2 (I think) But she told me recently at my appointment that the signs and symptoms I’m having can go on for weeks (I believe she said 6 to 8 or longer)
I’m ready to ride my bike
Be active again
Rebound!
Cosplay!
But I’m so tired I can barely keep my eyes open
The last couple times I tried to push myself a little bit around the house my heart started hurting worse
I really don’t wanna die over this
So even tho the pain has lessened – and even my anxiety a little – I’m still having other symptoms.
I’m not on vaca
I’ve done a lot of crying over this because it’s been very very scary
👀
I’m still begging my kid not to get it
And now I’m reminding my kid that their dead daddy was an anti-vacciner, so now I’m playing that fucking card
👀
And like most kids these days (and adults) we live on pizza, tacos, sugar, and salt. It’s literally clogging our arteries – And then you’re going to inject yourself with a vaccine that causes blood clots (well the CDC have at least admitted that it causes blood clots in one – but you know it does in the others too – come on – don’t be fucking stupid y’all. If it does in one (that’s only 80% effective, imagine what the 94% effective one does) 👀
Well I had my doctor look into it and she actually said that what I’m going through is Covid related and I’ve only been experiencing Covid related issues since my body was injected with the Covid fucking vaccinations. Yay? Sound on?
So – You eat shit that clogs your arteries and then you’re going to inject yourself with a vaccine that causes blood clots and then you’re going to go in annually to get your booster shots? 👀
The CDC need to list the rare side effects on the website. Be transparent! Like you force Big Pharma to do!
This vaccine is a prime example of peer pressure
👀
This vaccine nearly wiped me out and I don’t want my fucking kid to get it ever but they have their own body to make their choices for and their own household to run
👀
I’m not saying you shouldn’t get the vaccine but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so I definitely want my kid to stay away from it
I can’t enforce it
And I still believe that they will enforce it by making vaccination records mandatory in order to enter certain areas
I know for a fact they will enforce it on all militia
Yeah I had a choice right now 👀
That four page article I read by the CNN about the native American Indians really pulled on my heartstrings though they really fucking got me
👀
I will never be getting any booster shots- even if they enforce it, they will have to hold me down
So there’s pressure in my chest (Some sort of tear or pull in my muscle – which is my heart)
I’ve been taking it easy.
My only agenda is to get better and survive this.
I told my kid, please just wear their mask, wash their hands. I swore by the CDC! 😑
The CDC were my bible.
😑
People have died from these vaccinations and the CDC need to be transparent about the rare side effects that are going on.
I’m certain my doctor is reporting to the right channels.
Overall, I’m feeling better than I felt a few nights ago, I wasn’t as hopeful
The pain has lessened – not diminished
I still have extreme lethargy, issues with my sense of smell and taste (which will effect your mood and will to eat stuff that just taste bland and off).
I’ve been eating a shit ton of cashews and walnuts, pecans, pistachios, and all the healthy nuts basically
Food doesn’t taste the same. Pizza didn’t change so much. Candy bars, sweet and salty the tongue can distinguish
But like why does everything else taste like more food I’ve just cooked and wasted
I’ve barely been cooking because just doing normal duties around the house have proven challenging but even frozen stuff or canned food is going to waste!
My heart just needs rest like it’s never needed it before
And less stressors going off
Jesus didn’t like how the world was either, bless his heart ❤️
I don’t like where the future is headed but I need to put that in a poem so I wanna get offline now
I’m attempting to get a cosplay set done
And it’s not that I don’t wanna!
I’m exhausted! 😑
So it may be just a little set for now 😑
And people are already anxious for me to launch my new OF but it’s coming – you just have to have a little bit of patience. I need to get caught up on my campaigns first.
I probably shouldn’t of gave the secret away too soon!
My heart actually physically hurts – even tho not as bad – activity does make it worse.
I miss working out! I had finally found my grove!
Thanks for having patience with me!
I’ve been writing poetry and I will get it posted soonish!
I just needed to get shit off my chest!
I’ve had a hard time editing and stuff lately so if you notice more spelling mistakes than normal, it’s probably the lethargy.
Having a brain injury doesn’t help.
Neo: “Why do my eyes hurt?”
Morpheus: “Because you’ve never used them before. Get some rest…”
👀
I have been unplugging a lot today. I wonder if anyone else unplugged?
Or do your eyes still hurt?
If you call for me, I will come. 💪
(But at some point Neo had to help Trinity cuz she had some heart issues too)
(Everyone falls)
(I just want someone to be there and love me when I do)
(Or in the fantasy world, inside the Matrix)
(This nightmare we’re all in)
(Thank you Asia)
(Or India)
*laughs insanely*
(I don’t need anything fancy when I die just toss me in a hole don’t take out my blood don’t take out my organs fuck whatever they came up with because they ruined the afterlife that’s not what it supposed to be about I want to take 10,000 years to fucking deteriorate OK). You can’t have my blood, my organs, nothing when I die!!! Put me in the earth!!!!!!! Why is that illegal? Why am I forced to spend money on stufff!!!!!!!!!!! I’m sick of money and stuff!!! I want something real!!!!!! I want love!!!!!! You can’t have me when I die!!!!!! Put me in the earth!
I am made of the earth and the moon and the stars and I don’t want you taking out my life force and pumping me full of your fucking chemicals when I’m dead
I don’t want your fucking chemicals while I’m alive
I bathe with vegan products most of the time – and more often than not just prefer the water!!! You don’t need all that stuff!!!!
👀
(Please don’t hate me)
“If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first” – Jesus Christ
Oh my fucking God, stop the press, I’ve been called a whore again. 👀
He’s mad at me and now using that disgusting piece of shit ex of mine as a bomb to hurt me *rolls eyes* 🙄
Mark did scam me out of a lot of things, but my real love and heart he never got. He kept my pussy dry literally. Keep reading on to learn more 👀
(I went no contact from Mark – he posted on my blog when he got back with one of his exes, I didn’t go to The Chameleons blog – he came to mine. He’s a narcissist and I’d gone no contact but he was desperate for me to know – he’s desperate for me to love him. I don’t. I can’t stand Mark Burgess. He’s the plague and I want NOTHING to do with him. He never pays taxes, he lives rent free off the women he abuses. He’s a scumbag and writing music doesn’t give you the right to do the monstrous things he has done and continues to do. He’s a menace and needs burned at the stake, along with all the books and music. Erased from history is the only ending he deserves. Of course, he leads everyone to believe that the women are the problem even tho it’s the women running from HIM. And he moves from one relationship to the next. Claims true love every time. He taste like death. 🤮🤮🤮
I did a runner from Mark Burgess because he is the plague and you should stay far the fuck away from him.
I don’t like or love him.
I couldn’t even get sexually off from him
I couldn’t even get wet down there 😑
I don’t like Mark Burgess
I don’t love Mark Burgess
And you don’t get to act like you’re my best friend and then turn around and call me a whore just because I have a political fucking opinion about what’s going on in the world and I actually have a right to say something about what’s going on in the world because I’ve actually served my fucking country you piece of shit
Look at all this charming smooth talk via PM tho. You always wanted me to chat with yah, never did/would tho. Hell, you invited me into your home and offered to pay for my hotel.
But now publicly suddenly I am one of the worst things ever and a whore and I’m selling my body on the cheap
🧐
👇👇👇👇
👀
I never did give him what he wanted though- my time or my friendship and now look at him calling me a whore 👀 from inviting me and paying for my hotel to calling me a fucking whore 👀
He says I think the world owes me everything and I’m selling my body “on the cheap”
👀
But he was just inviting to pay for my fucking hotel room
👀
Now I’m a whore and he’s siding with that piece of shit Mark 👀
I am called a whore / you’d give me your dinner?
For the record, I don’t need anyone paying my hotel bills when I travel, I do that on my own.
I normally stay with my best friend who is a female – I’ve visited her in England twice staying with her 2 weeks on each visit.
I also helped with food and the electric and left her some moneyzzz cuz I’m not a complete bum.
She did not ask me to do this. Flights anywhere are expensive – and I’m happy to stay with my REAL FRIENDS when I visit if they invite me.
I’m not rich nor ever have been.
I was not born with a silver spoon.
I’ve always had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet.
I do not feel bad or guilty for stripping to eat or pay my bills.
You don’t get to invite me into your life and then call me a whore after and not get sandblasted.
He was always denied tho – as you can see – I don’t talk to anyone.
Prime example why
They all want to fuck me for free
Yet I’m called cheap
👀
Yea, I’m the problem clearly
Fuck off now
Run back to Mark Burgess
You’re both twats
Stop acting like you don’t have a porn addiction or that you are all holy and can call me your friend and then a “whore” (but only after you offered to pay for my hotel – I wasn’t a whore when you were offering to pay for my visit)
Never even had the desire to meet you – let alone for you to pay for my hotel.
“Whore” yup m’kay why? Because I do cosplay? Because I take off my clothes now during a pandemic because I’m disabled and need to pay my bills and we are in a RECESSION?
Because I blew through my life savings trying to stay afloat?
Because the jobs I was working paid under minimum wage and I have a college degree but can’t find work in my field due to the recession/furloughs/hiring freezes?
And those minimum wage jobs are taxed like hell and barely support cost of living (COLA) which is why people work multiple jobs to stay afloat?
Because they can’t save one fucking penny to get ahead.
Because nobody wants to actually support me or my dreams because they all want to “be my friend” so they can fuck me?
When I don’t want to fuck anybody –
Because I want to make babies with the love of my life and he recently bought me pizza?
Because I’m not actually a whore and there’s nothing wrong with sex workers.
I don’t actually “sell my body” 🧐
I don’t think anyone can actually “sell their body”. 🤔
If you mean “perform sex acts”, that isn’t anything I’m actually doing.
It’s called burlesque but I’m not very good.
I like to cosplay and roleplay tho cuz being an actor was always my dream, I still audition for parts (even reality TV shows), and I love getting to play dressup cuz I was always a Soldier/tomboy.
I don’t think what I am doing is sinful.
I’m trying to understand who I am as a human and a woman.
Not the part or role that everyone else wants me to play.
What I’m doing now is what I’ve always wanted to do.
Writing, photography, cosplay, guitar, it’s my thang.
The feedback I’ve been getting on my OnlyFans has improved my overall health and mental status / self-esteem.
I would say the feedback I have received has been priceless to my growth as a human and an artist.
There’s a lot of value on my OnlyFans and I’m trying to get better at my cosplay and my photography and I think it shows.
I appreciate your good feedback, your comments, likes, tips, gifts and subscriptions!
I also GREATLY appreciate the support on my Patreon as well!
I’m so isolated and shut off from the world that the maintenance dude said he was worried about me when I didn’t answer the door 👀
I actually thanked him because there’s no one checking in on me 👀
Just because I write doesn’t mean I small talk or gossip
I am not a socialite
I am a Soldier (not a civilian)
I am an introvert
I don’t like the state of anything in the world
I’m unhinged
I can’t even go buy an egg sandwich or a Coke in the can at the goddamn gas station without getting into fucking World War III because everybody wants to make $20 an an hour with a three dollar attitude and terrible work ethic
I was making over $25 an hour for nearly 8 years with the DOD but I sank with the financial fucking recession and the government hiring freezes and the government furloughs but you don’t give a fuck about that do you?
You don’t give a fuck that I had to eat up my life savings and my retirement savings just to get through this fucking pandemic!
You don’t give a fuck about that do you? Cause I didn’t buy your fucking book or I don’t act like your best fucking friend!
There are many books and CDs I would actually like to buy I just can’t at the moment because I live paycheck to paycheck and every fucking dollar goes to paying my main cost of living which I’m barely doing – I’m living under my means, but you don’t give a fuck about that do you cause I’m not tit for tat!
Fake fake fake!!!!!!!
I’m not dying on the street!!!
(My therapist is calling me today finally – they’ve been trying to reach me for a long time) 👀
I get to let my doctor know that I stopped disassociating for 5 minutes to check the news, and now I’m more disengaged and paranoid. 👀
I get to let him know that I almost had World War III with the gas station clerk. 👀
There’s something seriously wrong with the world 👀
Feel free to blame me – as long as I get to stay away
Put me back in my foxhole!!!! 👀
Give me my M16A2 rifle! 👀
I am still a Soldier! 👀
*Realizes she’s stuck on the Titanic because all the rich people have locked her on the bottom of the Titanic and now they’re hanging out on boats that could’ve had more people watching me sink*
👀
The reason I don’t check in on people is because I don’t have the social abilities to communicate currently. 👀
And the rare few people that I do decide to check in on, 98% of them give me a fucking attitude in return.
Because narcissism
👀
And I refuse to be manipulated or controlled by you and you’re fucking everywhere aren’t you
👀
I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t so I just want to be alone 👀
And I don’t wanna get to know you because you just want to ask for me for free nudes
👀
Or my hand in marriage 👀
I’m not interested in you 👀
I’m wholly obsessed with 2 dudes and I have never once talked to my therapist about that sort of behavior 👀
They don’t want anything to do with me 👀
But I’m like Bush how he was with Congress when they passed shit into law and Bush said I don’t care and then he did all those “signing statements” because voting means absolutely fucking nothing and you and I no longer have rights because we’ve moved into a fucking Hitler state hello hello hello
So I just sent the OnlyFans team a request on how to get a new free verified account started – I was dead serious about starting one – I’m not going anywhere (even though I can barely do shit at the moment, I do intend a full recovery from this COVID vaccine nightmare) –
I hope you are excited as me about the free account!
It will be FREE but you will have to subscribe to access the lewd (NOT NUDE) content.
This way I no longer get in trouble from Big Bro for not doing anything wrong at all – and maybe I can go back to having an actual personality where I don’t fear everything I post or say or hashtag. 💪
Nor, the erroneous reporting out of spite and jealousy. 🚫
I like having a private club and people want to see more of me and I’ve had several request on several different social sites and now I’ll have a place to direct them to see more (but if they want to see it all, it will require a subscription)! 🙃
Anyway, I’m really excited about starting the process for my new FREE OnlyFans!
I hope you are excited too! 🙌
I have heard your cries!
So I am expanding my doors!
I love you! 💕
As a reminder – I love doing cosplay and role play! I’m gonna keep at this! It’s what I wanted to do since I was a little girl – and I feel really excited about expanding my business, opening my doors (privately) and in a place where I can be as tacky as a fucking want even though I’m actually more classy than I am tacky but whatever
I do specialize in softcore but there’s an art to it and it’s more commonly known as like Kama Sutra or vampirism. 👀
It’s more about sensation and less about desensitizing.
🙌
Le vampyre and 1984 is now so it’s time to expand my doors because you’ve asked for more – and I don’t actually like publicly sharing more.
Again, lewds not nudes! You’ll have to be a big boy and pay if you wanna see it all.
But, I can go back to being my kinky seductive flirty vampire self oh my fucking God! I’m super fucking excited and I hope you will consider joining my free OnlyFans!
You asked, I complied! 🤪
Your wish is my command! 🤓
I’m still working on redoing my home studio and master bedroom. I don’t have shit hung anywhere. It looks like I’ve already died and the vultures have been here! 👀
Spring cleaning + reorganizing + downsizing = nightmare 🤪
Especially when you have no design skills at all and everything you currently have is a mix-mash of wtfisgoingon 😩
And then add some sort of glitch that makes it hard for you to let anything go even though you don’t even fucking want it
🤪
I don’t know why I’m holding onto all this shit and it’s gonna come out into a poem at some point 😷
I am in the eye of a storm brewing My eyes on the horizon of my choosing Is it an enemy or a friend I am losing Torn pages from books I am removing Broken bottles every avenue I’m now strewing
I wrote the fucking thing but someone else is just going to steal it and then all of their followers are going to leave them the most amazing comments like they’re the best writer ever in the world and they’re gonna all buy each other’s books and support each other 👀
It’s basically the blues and if my daddy would have wanted to love me instead of fuck me I’d probably be playing the harp right now like David Gilmour’s daughter is doing
Not all daddy’s are bad
The grass IS greener
Apparently
👀
But God is also in a band called Pink Floyd
👀
And he sold all his guitars and it’s basically the end of the world
“I can’t believe this is the land from which I came” 👀
Oh MJ…
My hero and my first crush
I’m awake with you
And nearly dead
👀
I watched a conference where Michael Jackson was talking about how he wrote this song and that it was about the illuminati and how they don’t really care about us…
I don’t need permission as a writer or a blogger to share my life journey with you – I’ve opted to include the ups and downs – I don’t need to write an essay explaining why I chose to be vaccinated – I don’t need to include my education or my credentials for any of this.
I don’t owe you anything.
I’ve paid the costs of living this life and I don’t need your mockery.
Apparently getting lots of sleep is a side effect of the COVID vaccinations 👀
I haven’t slept since war in 2003 👀
But now that I’m semi-dying I can’t get enough sleep 👀
There are random times that my eyelids become so heavy I feel like I’m moving into my final rest 👀
Like, this may be the last time I lay down 👀
Like I’m dying 👀
But it’s a side effect of the vaccinations and can go on for weeks 👀
Lethargy 👀
From insomniac to I can’t get enough sleep 👀
*runs to the CDC website to check to see if lethargy is listed as a side effect* 👀
It is not 👀
Well, it does list “tiredness”, the CDC like to sugarcoat it though.
Tired 👀
I’m sorry but I can’t come into work today because “I’m tired”. 👀
Did you get any sleep?
Yeah, like 19 hours but I’m tired. 👀
Good luck keeping that job. 👀
Good luck getting a job that isn’t Big Corporation (which are mainly owned and ran by people from other countries who come here and pay all their people top dollar while paying the Americans minimum wage and rarely giving pay raises or using the recommended pay and reward systems 👀
(They don’t even give proper rest breaks) 👀
(Trump wasn’t wrong about them taking our jobs) 👀
*remembers I had to yell at my nurse to take this seriously because people are dying from this and I need to know if it is related to the shots*
*doc said yesterday that she looked into the side effects and what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID*
*it’s not in my fucking head*
The “No Child Left Behind Act” means everybody follows the rules and no one goes above and beyond to see what is going on with people when they’re having rare symptoms 👀
Including most people still plugged into the system 👀
But my doctor woke 👀
(And it’s really hard to find one in the VA)
I reminded my doctor yesterday that I am an old school Army medic and they don’t make us like they used to 👀
I was basically a nurse – I was EMT certified but trained to do a whole lot more on Soldiers than civilians 👀
The military have their on judicial system 👀
They have their own training system too 👀
I was a combat medic for half my career 👀
(7 1/2 years but remained the “medic” any time we had range or needed an extra hat to remind people to stay hydrated) 👀
I did way more than that 👀
They had me in charge of drug prevention and giving random urine test 👀
I got paid the big moneys in the Department of Defense 👀
I might’ve fell with the great economic collapse like the great fucking depression 👀
But I still remember all my training 👀
My resume is 4 pages long 👀
I was a super Soldier 👀
Now I’m super dying and it is COVID related my doctor confirmed 👀
I’m not losing my mind 👀
It’s not all in my head 👀
You might not see what is happening to me and you might not read about it on the CDC website but it is actually real 👀
(And you may need to find a good nurse or doctor who gets this) 👀
(If you know something is wrong but you aren’t getting the answers you need about your car or your marriage or your body, then you might wanna think about changing who you’re working with because they might not be very good at their job, maybe they’re just average at their job, maybe they do a pretty decent job but nothing more) 👀
I’ve read articles where teenage children burned in a house that was burning down simply because the mom said “stay”. 👀
I don’t listen to anything my parents say 👀
My skill sets are not like yours 👀
I only speak the truth 👀
It feels nice to wake up though to know that there’s at least one other individual out there who knows that what is going on with me is COVID-19 related 👀
I didn’t need to know that all this started after my first and second doses, there was already a correlation there even tho the CDC doesn’t list “blood clots” as a possible side effect and people are dying from it.
(Including Moderna) 👀
I’m “tired” because my BP (blood pressure) keeps dropping (which is why I get extremely cold but being “cold” isn’t listed on the CDC website) 👀
Dying is not listed as a possible side effect of vaccinations even though people are actually dying from these vaccines 👀
This pandemic was completely manmade but that’s an entirely different fucking argument that my heart cannot get into right now because it’s too fucking tired even though it slept through the night 👀
So if you are feeling “tired” after being vaccinated, it’s a side effect that can go on FOR WEEKS. 👀
And if your body feels like Antarctica even though you live in Florida and it’s 93° outside and you’re not running your air conditioning –
You might be dying 👀
(I hope you have somebody who can keep you suspended between heaven and earth or hell because I believe him and my doctor are the only reason I’m alive)
Him, my doctor, and aspirin 👀
(And what’s even scarier is when you’re going through all this and nobody believes you)
Doc ordered more tests for me today and DOES NOT want me doing ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY – she said light walking only until she has more answers. I’m not allowed to rebound. 😩
She looked into the signs and symptoms and said what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID.
But I asked her could a heart heal itself like a bone and she said yes! A heart can heal itself!
So good!
Cuz my body has healed from many broken bones and I’ve been doing the heating pad and positive self-encouragement even though tears have been streaming down my face.
She told me to keep doing the heating pad!
But no physical activity and more test have been ordered.
And she made it clear that what is happening to me IS COVID related.
Worth repeating.
My doctor has no hidden agenda.
Nor do I.
I’m gonna keep writing and working on my photography and cosplay but energy levels are near dead.
She did say these symptoms can last for weeks after and reminded me I’m about 3 weeks in (she said six weeks or more).
She also brought up the fact that these vaccines are incredibly new and there isn’t a lot of data to go by.
I told her she needed a pay raise and an award and a medal and that she’s doing a good job and she is saving my life.
She’s one of them good doctors!
She goes above and beyond!
I ain’t getting no booster shots!
My vaccination record better be enough to travel!
If it’s Boeing, I ain’t going!
(The test my doc ordered checks for clots in the lungs – been breathing okay – but she wants to make sure. Although there has been a few times I’ve struggled to take a breath).
Covid related all this.
To the guy who misses me – I miss you too. You’re my incentive to get better.
I think you may be the reason I’m still alive.
I’m bonded to you.
👀
I don’t even know how I could’ve gotten through all the pain I was going through and have been going through – without you.
And yeah, I had to yell at my nurse to take this shit seriously and not give me the common side effects listed by the CDC.
The illuminati own Big Bro and Big Internet
But it’s nice to finally start finding some articles that haven’t been paid or promoted by the CDC or WHO
It’s by some miracle I’m still alive.
I was fucking dying that first night you came to see me.
My BP dropped because it had to carve a new path to work.
My BP keeps dropping because those Moderna shots have fucked me up.
The only reason I’m still alive is because he did come to see me.
He put me in some sort of trance.
He removed my fears and took my mind (mostly) from the pain.
And I was telling him, “I’m sorry my energy levels are so low”.
I’m fucking dying
👀
Wanted to watch the sun go down on the beach Friday night and I thought it was gonna be my last because my body core temperature started dropping so low that I could no longer sit on the sand.
I was so lethargic I thought I was about to just lay down and go to sleep and never wake up and it was really scary to think that I could just die right there with all those strangers around and so I immediately got up and went the fuck home and got in my bed and back under my fucking heating pad because I was freezing. By 8:30 I was back home in bed on a Friday night. Lame 👀
Wednesday after freezing under my heating pad for 3 hours – I took a solid hot bath – 10 minutes into that hot bath my skin felt cold as a dead body.
I might die from this.
It’s a miracle I’m still alive.
I’m bonded to him and it’s not because he bought me pizza – but he did buy me pizza and now I’m his wife.
He’s stuck with me.
👀
That’s the rules in an apocalypse.
You buy her pizza and she’s yours.
👀
(I feel closer to him than anyone in the entire world and I don’t know who he is)
👀
And I’m currently that salmon swimming upstream.
I gots to find my mate before I die
(I was meant to have another 40+ years)
*warning* If you have underlying health issues you’re playing Russian roulette if you get any of the vaccinations
1984 is now
Stay woke
Because I can barely keep my eyes open due to extremely low energy levels after receiving Covid vaccinations
I was at the grocery store today and I bought a shit ton of food and I’m frugal
I’m saving my pennies to buy some fucking land but go ahead and keep spending your money on gambling and drugs and body shaming women for not sending you free nudes when you demand
I’m not starving and I’ve got like 15 pounds of fat I need to shed.
Then, more muscle to re-build and booty gains once I get the go-ahead to start working out again.
Petite. Not obsolete.
*grumbles there’s not enough weed to get me through the apocalypse and now they’ve banned me only favorite cigarettes even tho I only smoke 1 or 2 a year*
*fears the day she’s stumbling through the streets naked and mad*
*doesn’t understand a fucking thing*
*needs love*
*Remembers she bought chocolate and cookies*
COOKIES
🍪🥠🍪
(If that is a fortune cookie it looks like Pac-Man trying to eat my chocolate chips)
I actually would enjoy playing Pac-Man again if they did make it cookies…
🍪🥠🍪
And Cookie Monster as Pac-Man
In a multi-verse that game actually exists and I’m playing it right now according to scientists who say there’s many versions of me
Hellos
Can we change dimensions pretty please?
Helps?
*sends out call sign to Neo*
(And he heard because they are making The Matrix 4 right now and I’m living for it)
I’m not starving, I’m just tiny, and I have a very big appetite!
(i also workout normally when I’m not dying)
👀
42% Obese?
Jeaus Christ
So how many on that list “overweight”?
Stop body shaming me because you’re too lazy to work out
I’m currently running 50% off all memberships packages on my OnlyFans! Now is your chance to come check out my profile and hate me!!! 🤪
Lots of cosplay sets up! 98% good feedback! Can’t please everyone! 🤨
I do not push for tips or comments or likes! But they are appreciated! 🤓
I respond to every message I get! Feel free to say hi, we can chat about whatever! ✍️
You can say hi or be a ghost! I do not have “pay-per-view” content! I have the one door fee to get into my private club and that’s it! My club is very laid back!
I take requests and suggestions! 👍
Your support inspires me and keeps my blog and all this going! 💕
Over 1K photos & over 250 videos currently! Hot hot hot content! Too hot to post anywhere else!
Come check out my campaign and let me heat up your summer! 🔥🔥🔥
I just dropped a new cosplay set! It has been getting some good feedback and I appreciate that very much! 💕
Just having your support there is encouraging and pushes me to keep going!
Like a little hamster on a wheel (and hopefully just as cute)! 🤪
I appreciate your subscriptions, your feedback, your likes, your messages, your comments, your tips, AND spoiling me by surprising me with gifts off my Amazon Wishlist! 😻 I appreciate all the things! ❤️
I have a lot of content up – and I’m running some specials and 50% off deals if you’d like to check out my campaign or catch up on what you’ve missed! ❤️
Your support keeps this blog going!
Thanks for giving the inexperienced, little gal a shot at her dreams!
I like him so much I can feel heaven hovering over my dreams
He makes me feel forever young 😻
And he bought this lingerie from my Amazon Wishlist 😻
I cried when I originally tried it on, I guess because I’m not as young as I wanna be – but he quickly made me forget all of that.
He undoes all the torment men have put my mind and body through over all the years – all the body shaming they did.
Poof gone.
By the way he looks at me
By the way he handles me
He makes all my parts feel loved
He doesn’t ignore one atom on or in me
If there is an atom hiding, he’s gonna hunt it down and find it
But all my atoms fall into orbit when he’s around
Electric
I think all these chemicals he’s flushing my heart with is helping
All the things hurt less
Even my heart
(If you’re on the fence about the Adome lingerie line on Amazon – you should do it – and forget the fact that you’re not gonna look as cute as the girls advertised – if you’ve got a body untouched by plastic like me)
(I’m not saying you won’t look cute in it – that’s my own negative self image. I think everybody looks fucking fine but many of us suffer from negative self image)
(He undoes all that negative self image)
(And he doesn’t tell me to grow up)
(Or to look the part)
“You shouldn’t be dressed like that”
“You’re showing too much skin”
“Slut whore cunt slutttttt whoreeeee”
“You’re asking for it”
I mean, the body shaming didn’t just come from the men.
I hear it being yelled at me while I’m pumping my gas looking all dead n cute
“Whoreeeeeeee”
I’ll yell back, “you know you jealous bitch” (never knowing why because I cry about my body all the fucking time over the fact that I never grew up and I am not voluptuous)
I’ve pretty much mostly spent all of my years on earth living in the south and my God y’all know how to body shame women with your opinion and religion.
Just stop
He makes me feel bomb ☄️🔥🔥🔥
And it feels nice to wake up with a mental health boost before the sun has even risen
Do you like me underneath the filter? Or when my self-esteem is low, that I’m breaking every mirror? Is my age something you consider? Do you know it makes me bitter?
Do you know I am a sinner? Or my life is growing thinner? How I’m like an over-thinker? And you got me by the finger?
I’m not supposed to be feeling like I’m already knocking on my grave
I’m so paranoid to believe / they whipped up the perfect formula to get to me…
So yeah, taking an aspirin a day now for blood clots – well uhm – to thin my blood out and maybe keep less clots destroying my heart.
If you already suffer from underlying health issues – you need to understand the risks involved when you get that goddamn vaccine
M’kay
People have died from it, it’s not a fucking joke
I have nothing to gain from being the whistleblower
But everything to lose
👀
The phone conversation went worse.
Why the fuck did I do that second shot
If you feel it in your fucking soul to not do something, you need to listen to yourself and not what the media is peer pressuring you to do and everyone around you
That vaccine is fucking peer pressure
I collapsed and look where it got me!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t wanna die in my bed and now I can’t even fucking leave it!
My time is almost up but I found one more way to say I love you 💕
Our home is a starship. The kind like Elon Musk has built, the reusable landing kind.
Not the NASA death tomb.
The kind of starship that fuels your dreams.
And we need to name it.
(One of the tiny rooms contains all your poetry and I fall asleep on the floor for never wanting to leave).
(Sometimes you tell me bedtime stories)
(Sometimes you pick me off the floor and hold me)
(I like starship the best because it contains you)
((I didn’t know Elon musk had named his starship until I went to look and then I was like of course he did, of course he named it starship))
I was just thinking about how you drop in, not by cloud, not by comet, by starship!
And like a boat you built by hand, but a starship.
And then I saw the article where Elon musk actually named his rocket starship.
Of course he fucking did
So the fantasy I was laying here having actually is a reality for somebody else
lmao
But poem 😏
I love when you drop in.
I love you.
And I’m sending all my love to you lightning speed through a starship.
Babe, now we got a space shuttle!
I like it, I like it a lot.
We need to break it in. 👀
*goes back to dreaming*
(Have always wanted to do it in zero gravity)
Thank you for getting me items off my Amazon wishlist. I’m happy to have a cute little schoolgirl outfit to go with my pigtails and things. It’s Adome lingerie and I like their clothing line on Amazon.
I wish I had a real way to thank you.
(I know it’s all fun and games but it makes my heart happy)
I can see part of his face Haunting me through time I want to memorize his shape Like a spiral on a spine And the colors of his flesh The canvas of divine Takes the pain beneath the breast Gives me hope to align
*The below contains unpopular opinion and language* 🤓
Is it true that trademarks are only recognized in some countries now?
It’s a bold statement to make, it’s just I saw something pop up on a video game about trademarks being recognized in some countries only – or at least, that’s how I perceived it. I seem to read between the lines (or gaslighting).
So the FDA has banned menthol but I could turn myself into a lizard if I want? 🤔
So, I can get a full body lizard tattoo and split my tongue, and get a full sex change operation, I can identify as a carrot BUT it’s illegal to smoke a menthol cigarette? 🤔
Somebody help me the fuck out
I can sew up my pp and chop off my boobs but I can’t smoke a menthol? 🤔
Wait, what.
We can still feed sugar crack to 3 year olds but I can’t smoke a fucking menthol? 🤔
So I can give this god damn sugar crack to recommended age 3+, but I can legally no longer buy a pack of menthol? 🤔
It’s fucking cancer + crack and recommended right there on the package for age 3+
But menthol is fucking banned.
Uhm, okay who is running the fucking country?
Y’all have lost y’all damn mind
I don’t even smoke anymore but on the rare occasion that I do, it’s a fucking menthol.
I just don’t understand the world anymore and I can’t blame it on my brain injury any longer.
I haven’t been voting for any of this shit!
I don’t want my tax money going to NASA!!!!!
In other news, if I die, I’m still gonna be taking my last breath dreaming about you.
Because I like how you lean on my lips and touch my cheeks with your fingertips.
I like the little ways you go above and beyond to show me you care.
I like living off your breath because it’s the nectar of life.
Your kiss.
And all I want before I die.
My cat mask arrived after a bit of a challenge to get it! I’ve had a lot of request to bring back the cat cosplay but I wanted to upgrade to a better mask! I haz done! Hope you like! It’s a spectacular mask!
Getting to do cosplay is my passion and I’m always listening to what you like and I’m always behind the scenes trying to get better, to enhance my makeup skills, my costumes, my wardrobe, my camera skills. All the things.
I love drama and the arts, cosplay is improv time for me!
My workout routine has been halted, but not my diet. 🤢
I’m not quitting my photography, writing, or cosplay.
Though moving now at a snails pace.
I got it from Amazon Prime – a favorite place to shop no doubt. Been shopping there for years. Even bought my Epiphone guitar kit from there. Came with everything, still working good. 🤓
“You deserve somebody who knows why you are rare” Mark Anthony
Now I’m almost dead and obsolete so it doesn’t matter
👀
(To the guy out there who got me something off my Amazon wishlist even tho I’m dying, thank you for loving me before I died)
(I don’t even know your name but it’s possible you have my whole, broken heart)
(You probably deserve a better heart than mine)
👀
(I wish I had a way to thank you for stuffing me full of pizza and surprise)
A real way to thank you
Even with half my supporters already gone, you make me feel less alone. 👫
Whatever your intentions are, you make dying feel less scary.
Getting pizza and gifts from my Amazon wishlist by you, was 1 billion times better than dying in a cold hospital room, with wilting flowers.
Now I understand why my dad wanted to die in his bed.
But I’m saving pennies for a plot of land, to live on.
I want to die on my own little piece of land, where I pay taxes annually, but have no real rights, as I wouldn’t even be able to grow vegetables in my front yard (in Florida), because a law has now passed that you can’t do that. And, if the government wanted your land, they will buy it back at the cheapest price. Whether you agree or not.
Freedom is an illusion.
But whatever.
I feel freedom when I’m with you (even though I don’t know your name or where you are).
I feel closer to you than anybody else in the entire world.
But then I also feel like we could merge into one and I still would need to get closer to you.
Maybe you only need a cheap thrill ride and here I am falling in love
*bites phone instead of nails*
👀
I like how our conversations always start off like we’re picking up where we left off even though we’re not.
Like, “babe do you know where I left the keys?”
“Uh, check the stove dear.” even though I’ve never set foot in your place – I’d still magically know where they are.
I think my soul may reside in your place metaphorically.
I’m half dead, half there with you?
Come make me whole?
I like how when you come through the door it feels like you’re coming home or places feel like home wherever you are.
We just fit.
I like how we can be deep into role-play and then have a normal moment without skipping a beat.
“Oh yah knock at the door, where were we”
Like when a drummer loses his drumstick and grabs another stick but never misses a fucking beat.
Of course we have moments where we stumble (mainly due to me) and you can hear the humility in my bones rumble, but then you turn mistake into butterfly wings.
In the real world I would be yelled at or written up.
“Ross, how many times have I told you…”
And I’m the kind of person that if I spend 26 hours putting 1000% effort into my essay and then it comes back with a bunch of red marks including my title, it’s fucking war you know, it’s fucking war basically…
I’m at constant war with the system, no wonder my heart is carving new paths to flow.
Jesus Christ
So that’s what that pain is
A rip or tear in my heart?
I will fucking die
“Looks like one is closed and the other enlarged”
Jesus fucking Christ
*gets back under heating pad*
*Disassociates mind from heart*
*thinks about him and tries to simmer breathing to a near calm*
Warmth is life
(But it also would explain why my BP had been dropping and why I’ve been feeling cold)
I somehow secretly think it’s a miracle I’m still alive
(Thank you to anybody who has stuck around, if anything as moral support)
(I don’t have parents or a fam to turn to)
(I’ve contacted 1 blood relation only)
(I need to get to JAG and get my will updated so I can leave all my shit to 1 person only)
(My dad left 2 people in his will but not sure if it is being followed)
(Why the fuck would anybody respect a dead person’s last wish? I mean we don’t even respect peoples wishes when we’re fucking alive do we, I’m learning lots of lessons with my dad dying, that’s all you should know behind the scenes because my dad died just a few months ago didn’t he and now I’m next.
So goes life.
Some are remembered, mostly not.
I’m aware that I’m on the “mostly not” list.
I don’t even have a fucking burial plot, coffin, or headstone.
And for some reason I’m learning that if you’re actually dying, having those things feels a lot less scary.
It’s like wearing your safety belt when you’re driving.
Or having the rails up when you’re bowling.
And there are people out there was so much money they sleep in coffins for fun.
*le sigh*
The thought of dying and my body immediately being cremated like an hour later freaks me the fuck out.
You will be tagged for disposal before your body has even gone cold.
Like, what if my energy needs to do some shit and now they are fucking with my body?
I want my head laid on a pillow and I want the maggots to take me in my coffin thank you
I want to take 500 to 1000 years for my body to turn back into fucking dust that’s what I want
I want my body to have the chance to fucking do what it’s supposed to do on its own
It doesn’t even have to be a fancy box with a pillow.
I am not an organ donor.
And I don’t want to be “preserved” (unless for scientific reasons to be cloned or brought back digitally).
Frozen ideally but that costs the big moneys.
I want to keep my blood, guts, and all.
No funeral.
Just a fucking box and maybe a headstone to show I was worth more than dying naked on the street.
Never thought I’d have to add to my bucket-list, “buy a fucking coffin and burial plot”.
👀
Somebody out there misses me and got me something off of my Amazon wishlist and nobody’s ever done that before and I have made 100 wishlists is since Amazon came out and nobody’s ever done that for me for anything, not for birthday, not for anything, I don’t get spoiled
But if I’m gonna die I wanna look cute doing it and I may be ornery but I can still fucking dress myself
He gets me
And I wish you were here so I could practice dancing in my stilettos and I could use you as a pole. Hmmmm oh wrong chat 👀
I hate that I am aloof and scatterbrained but I love how you react to it, it’s like you’re just running really fast to catch on a moving train!
Woo hoo!
You’re the warm stone I want my cold bones to lay
Do wish I could have talked to her before getting dose 2 but here we fucking are.
One of the digits of my new phone number was incorrectly inputted when I gave it to the front desk clerk – no matter who was to blame – and this letter she sent me I never received because USPS are at war with this neighbor.
So, when I finally did get through to her the first thing she asked was, “did you get my letter, the EKG results? I don’t like how your heart looks, you’re too young for your heart to look this way”…
But obviously she needs more test than an EKG.
I don’t normally share my personal private health matters, aside from depression.
I’m not making any of this up.
xoxo
(I’m really scared about what’s going on but also I dropped my campaign really low because I haven’t been active there but now I have someone who joined and already has the thing turned off and they’re clearly not happy so it’s gonna be more guys who just want to use me like they do in the real world – you know they fuck me and then just dump me – that’s it – that’s pretty much all my life has been about.
Another hill, another disappointment.
My heart is ripped.
I know I don’t have a great body, but I don’t want a plastic one.
I haven’t even had a hug since 2019 and now I’m fucking dying.
I’m not offering him a refund.
They can cum and go.
Nearly dead on the street all used up like Poe.
I’m not quitting my campaign. I can offer you discounts if you would like to remain or to come back.
I have a ton of content up.
I want to make more art and cosplay. I hate that I’m always the subject of my photography but I really enjoy taking photography and doing improv, dance, and cosplay. I also like writing.
But I also have a thing for a stranger who I feel closer to you than anybody in the entire world and I don’t really know who he really is
He also makes me feel really good
He makes all this shit worth it
Because I don’t even have a mom to cry to
I like fantasy with him. I like the real things too, like how we match sometimes on things by accident. Or coincidence.
Or magnetically.
I’m bonded with him.
We’ve had pizza together now, we’re bonded.
I’m not even bonded to my mom.
I’ve never been bonded to anything.
We’re bonded.
I would die for him.
But right now I’m actually trying to stay alive because I want to feel his kiss in the real world and it may be something worth dreaming about and staying alive for because all hope is almost gone.
It was nearly gone.
I was drowning in the middle of the ocean.
He sent me an SOS.
Wait, maybe he’s drowning and the package is the SOS.
He needs to be saved too.
I would give him the last little breath in my tiny little lung.
I like the world we’re building. He makes me euphoric and that was before pizza and gifts.
I love the real world and the dreamworld with you.
I like the plans and the mess.
I like the spontaneous combustion with you.
From combat boots to stilettos – and me standing in my very first pair for the very first time. Now I know why a poll is involved generally when in use. Or, another human being. For support. 👀
So they’ve gotten a lot of really good feedback so I’m going to keep them even though they pinch my toes.
They will be good for theatrics, photoshoots, or as fuckware. They are definitely hard to walk in but I’m getting better. 🤪
I picked up the Pleaser Devil Kat Stacks Adore in Black/Red from one of my favorite stores called DollsKill. They’d been in my wishlist for a minute. Figured they’d go with most of my wardrobe (which is black).
I’m working on new content – albeit not a light-speeds.
I have something wrong with my fucking heart.
We only have 4 valves right? Because I don’t want to Google or to remember.
I don’t want to think that my heart is actually working at 50% capacity because that would explain the pain coming from my fucking chest and when my mind and heart connect it starts hurting a whole lot worse so I’m having to disassociate thank you bye
I’ve also spent a lot of time under my heating pad.
I only had four puffs from one cigarette from a pack of menthol that I have had in my freezer for months but after I read that the FDA are banning them and I figured I was dying so what the fuck, I had a few puffs. As goodbye. And an act of rebellion. Fuck the FDA.
Also, there isn’t anybody else threatening to kick my ass so I don’t have to go all fucking Unhinged.
That was a momentary lapse of reason.
I’m mostly just dying. But then he came to visit me last night and he said he missed me and then surprised me with pizza but then even more spoiling cuz he ordered stuff from my Amazon Wishlist and ain’t nobody ever done that.
Ain’t no guy ever spoiled or romanced me.
I get to do things with him nobody else will let me do.
Being unexperienced just means improv to me.
I don’t feel unexperienced, I have a four page resume and a deteriorating mind.
Before long, I’ll be having things pasted on the wall.
Newspaper clippings in weird code solving the mysteries of the universe written in a format only he would understand.
But I definitely do not want to be witch lady with 50 cats because I can barely stand having one under my foot. 👀
It’s an evil little beast on 4 legs.
And I’m programmed to see it as an innocent kitten.
But it’s not, it’s a little terror machine.
I just want him.
Why is that so fucking much to ask?????
Why can’t I have him right now?
While I still have a half functioning heart.
(He probably has the other half)
(Wouldn’t mind actually laying next to his chest and allowing our hearts to go in sync and beat synchronized)
I need him.
His kisses, his stories, and whatever else he throws in the mix.
And then after he stuffed my belly full of pizza –
He surprised me again and got me stuffs from my Amazon wishlist 😻
And then I fell asleep on him again 🤪
(Not literally just metaphorically)
If he was actually here you likely wouldn’t hear from me for days, you’d probably only hear from me when I came up for air…
If he allowed it
🤪
Slept through the whole night
Looks like he’s got the prescription Big Pharm can’t write me
You reckon them porn stars are ready to make babies with every guy that gets them something off their Amazon wishlist? An I doing this right? 👀
The porn stars only care about money babies – That’s why she’s always looking right in the camera and smiling at you. It’s called acting.
But this here isn’t acting. This is me wanting to meet up with him in Vegas, elope, and start making babies immediately.
👀
He doesn’t care that I’m aloof and stupid. Because I can’t even read a coupon correctly and I fall asleep on him.
But that’s the thing, when he comes around I finally sleep.
He’s my safe place.
Even though I don’t actually know who he really is.
It’s complicated 👀
But for the first time in my life somebody bought me something off of my Amazon wishlist and for some reason I keep getting to do all the firsts with him. 😻
I want to do all the firsts and then I want to do them again.
Everything about him feels better than dying on the street.
There aren’t any red flags and even if there were, my brain perceives them as a red carpet.
I need him
He knows how to handle my inexperience and goofiness
Or when I read a pizza coupon wrong
He knows how to make me not feel stupid
Even when I’m feeling slightly embarrassed for being inexperienced or stewpids
He squashes those fears flat before they even get a chance to simmer
I could be 100 % convinced we were on the straight path and then lead us both into a trap and he’d make a game out of it
Cuz I’ve decided this instance he’s my Tarzan
Him and I like the forest
When we’re not busy destroying the city and everything in it
Everything except each other
We stop for kisses and then get back to fucking shit up like Bonnie and Clyde
I’m busy dying and he’s like “but can we have babies first before you do that”
And now all the parts in my body feel magnetized and activated
There may be a slight hum coming from my bones
It’s possible I may start levitating a few inches off the ground
Does anybody make you feel like that?
I know how the universe feels expanding cuz he makes all my neurons fire
He makes my entire body euphoric without touching me
And sometimes he makes me throb
He makes me feel the things
And I get to open up and do things with him that other people won’t let me do
My mind, spirit, and body has been chained
But he frees me
He knows how to release me
I’m attached to him and it’s not through trauma bonding
We are north and south
Yin and yang
And I have loads of food leftover and stuff arriving this week from my wishlist thanks to him spoiling me 💕
I also have a surprise coming from my DollsKill wishlist, something I got in thanks of y’all pushing me into the top 27, and holding me there so long!
I can’t talk about it, you just have to wait!
(And even tho I was waiting like a hawk all day for UPS, I still managed to miss that ‘tap’ at my door). The dog didn’t even bark. He barks at everything! 🤪
I even drove around the parking lot like a madman trying to catch up with him but he was gone gone gone
So I gotta go pick it up at the drop off location I think.
I’ve just accepted that reality is broken for me.
And I can trust my mind just about as much as I can trust my GPS.
👀
Or the CDC.
And I yelled at my nurse yesterday when I was trying to relay a message to her to get to my doctor about looking up the signs and symptoms of Moderna and she wanted to give me the signs and symptoms listed off the CDC website and I was like “I need you to start taking your job seriously, people have died from this“.
And then I yelled at her more saying my signs and symptoms aren’t the fucking flu
Or what you can pull from the CDC website which lists COMMON symptoms, not rare.
Furthermore, those are common symptoms from all the vaccines, I need mine specifically from Moderna.
And then I hung up on her cuz my heart can’t take the fucking stress.
And then my mind was wandering to where only seven people had attended Edgar Allan Poe’s funeral and I was thinking I didn’t want anybody to attend mine at all – until he came.
Have you ever missed someone you’ve never even met?
I’m slightly deranged and dying and didn’t even think he wanted me around.
But then he appeared like Neo and said, “I’ve missed you” and I replied, “I can tell”. And then we disappeared and then I missed Morpheus arriving with my special package for y’all… 👀
The end of the world can wait. Priorities.
Coming out of my coffin soon
I hope
And I’m having pizza and warm brownies for breakfast
With milk
😋
Gonna have delicious pizza breath off and on all day
And I think my special package is on the brown truck again – I think they’re going to actually attempt to redeliver it since it was a signed package but then they’re going to leave it at the drop off point if I’m unable to show up at my own destination. 🤪
But I can’t even read a fucking pizza coupon correctly so you know
Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong
It’s like a betting game
I had my pharmacist crying laughing the other day though, I told him, “it says good driver on my license though sometimes it’s questionable“ and he was like STOP IT and was wiping tears from his eyes.
And everything I said was comic gold. He couldn’t stop laughing. He thanked me for the mental health boost.
🤓
(no need to get jelly cuz this one plays for the other team)
We were just having a moment like the squirrel
There’s madness all around but sometimes you just gotta stop and laugh with somebody whose on the job.
Somebody who isn’t threatening to kick your fucking ass simply because you need them to sign onto the register so they can check out your egg sandwich and Coca-Cola in the can.
You’re gonna sign out and meet me outside are you?
Well I wanna see that fucking shit, I do
👀
So it’s either fighting hoes at the 7/11 or having babies in Vegas.
I’ll take Vegas.
👀
(I was feeling completely depleted and deranged but then he came and filled me up with love and pizza and gifts from my Amazon Wishlist)
Lightning struck twice in the same place
A double first
He’s some sort of mythical, magical creature and I don’t fear him in the thickness or the fog
He taught me to hover below the fog
To use the fog as a cover
To lay flat so I can breathe easier
He’s teaching me how to not fear the fog
He told me the fog will come and go
But that the forest needs the fog
He said I’ll get that lesson another time
And then he kissed me and disappeared into the fog
PoeEternal 