“It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it” George Carlin
I love (sarcasm) how all these jobs are starting to offer tuition as incentive to go back to work yet the hiring freezes have kept those with college degrees out of work for quite some time
Also, programs out there are hiring immigrants directly after college instead of citizens born here and fresh out of college
They also give immigrants incentives for majoring in certain studies like math, tech, and science 👀
Over 160,000 newly graduated American students wasn’t able to get a job but those immigrants could and did 👀
I tell no lies and have been sharing news articles on my blog frequently that you should take time to read 💪
It goes over all this better than I do
America is great for anybody who isn’t an actual American
I realize some of y’all are in some nice financial bubbles but you really need to take a look at what’s going on in America to Americans who have been living here their entire life and they are worked to death until they die without any benefits from these jobs or corporations, no health benefits, no health insurance, not even proper work breaks
No way to even save a penny or dime because many of us are forced to rent and they control the housing market prices and have inflated it
It’s hard for families to even buy a home and it’s even harder for single people to live in America
Most of us are checking out
Most of us no longer have the will or the energy to work for these businesses without any incentives or pay raises and if their incentive is to give you $500 sign on bonus and to pay for your tuition, it’s fucking bullshit because you’re just gonna turn around and deal with hiring freezes like the rest of the population who actually have a college degree already and experience and student loans we’re paying for 👀
I was five years away from retiring before they started doing all the government hiring freezes 👀
The Recession has gone on longer than The Great Depression 👀
Our veterans (me included) are treated like shit
They also come after our pensions
Lots of folks who do retire have to continue working just to pay the bills 👀
Laws are being made to benefit non Americans 👀
Globalism is ruining everything 👀
And other countries know how to skate between the tariffs
America equals generica
If you don’t understand what that means you need to start googling and educating yourself about the economy because if you were born here life probably isn’t very good for you right now but if you’re an immigrant or you have a green card or something you’re probably doing all right 👀
Stay woke
Can we start making laws to protect Americans? 👀
I mean buildings are falling down in Miami but boy they’re rich now and they know they don’t have to do anything about anything because the insurance will take care of it
They’re literally reading our private emails for suggestive selling – so they can PUSH advertising out to manipulate you to SPEND YOUR MONEY because taking your money is ALL they care about! You’re just a dollar sign!!
This is from Yahoo’s “How we use your data” policy
And analyzing our photos and private messages uggggg
They sell it to third parties
Is this why Spectrum harasses my mailbox daily to use their services? I will go offline before I ever submit. I’ve opted out of Spectrum but they still spam my mailbox.
So do the “your extended warranty is about to expire”
FYI, I turned Siri off.
I prefer my privacy over mind control.
I don’t need people telling me what to buy 24 hours a day of my life
WAKE UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND TURN OFF AD TRACKING EVERYWHERE
Please give the post a like if this has helped you get some of your privacy back!
Spread the word!
I’m not missing out on life by saying no to tracking
You’re giving the bogeyman permission to track you and you don’t know how honest these trackers are!!!!
Yahoo has a bunch of advertisement settings including this “sale my personal information” that was selected to yes without my permission
I never authorized this when I first started using Yahoo but they snuck in a lot of updates that you need to go check out. This was automatically selected as “yes” until I just discovered it and turned it off.
I don’t believe companies or apps should be allowed to choose yes for you when they include an update…
Most advertising is spam and just a way to control you.
Stay woke and turn off your advert settings everywhere! They are spying on you!!!! You don’t need adverts telling you what to buy!!! Wake up!!!!
Tell your friends!!
There are a bunch of settings regarding your privacy and advertising!!
They’re starting to put restrictions on unvaccinated people, no entry mandates
Told you
So let’s just not go
Over 40% of the unvaccinated US population hold so much power currently
Don’t let them fearmonger you
Your body, your choice!
If we’re doing all this simply to have electricity, well I’m ready to live without it honey
Solar
I’m vaccinated but I still could get somebody sick and I got hit with heart inflammation because they chose to not let the population know that it was causing heart damage and people have died from it and people have gotten hurt from it and they have silenced and shunned us from communicating and letting you know because they turned this vaccine into peer pressure and big brother is illuminati owned
They may not be knocking down your door like Hitler, but it’s the same thing with mandates
I’m sure there’s someone else who could do a better job of telling you what it is I’m about to tell you but I need you to listen and hear 💪
I’ve turned off ad tracking on every app I’m currently on and in the system of my iPhone itself
Apple ad tracking is found under your settings on your iPhone (mine was under privacy)Apple ad tracking is found under your settings on your iPhone (mine was under privacy)
I’m no longer on android because you cannot uninstall Facebook from the device itself and big bro has penalized me and took away my freedom of speech so I no longer support android
Mark Zuckerberg is starting to have way too much control with his little social media mind control game (both Biden and Trump say the aps are toxic)
I’m making it extremely hard for them to track me through ads and I am not giving them permission to do so
It’s getting ridiculous and clear that ads infringe on our privacy and rights and most everyone seems cool with it
Yet most of the ads that we do find on Facebook, Instagram, or even TikTok or Twitter are spam and people are coming on saying it’s spam so I’m sure it’s somebody from India who has learned how to trick the account and use us to get our money.
Most of the ads are spam and junk
I am not such a consumer where I’m having a conversation with someone on Twitter and then head to Instagram and there’s an ad pop up for what we were just talking about. I don’t need that sort of control in my life.
I can make decisions of what I want to buy on my own
They are using ads to manipulate us and legally spy on us
Well I’m making it hard for them to legally spy on me and that’s why I’m turning off all those things and I’ll just stop using the app if enforced
Instagram has sneaked in a bunch of new updates so go check out your settings – on Twitter and FB too (I’m sure any app you are using, I’ve downsized)
I had to unselect a bunch of ad stuff that they sneaked in and was already activated – I unselected the ad choice options on Instagram and they sneak in updates like this all the time
Instagram, Facebook and Twitter are so toxic and both Trump and Biden are calling Facebook toxic and Big Bro (Mark Zuckerberg Illuminati owned) is butt hurt over these accusations
Good
Let’s start boycotting these corporations who micromanage our every move and even what we’re allowed to post or say
At least turn off the ad tracking – you could start there.
They will still bombard you with the same amount of ads but they’re not gonna be able to track what you do and say even though they will still be tracking it illegally but you’ve not given them permission to do so on the apps and on your phone…
Anybody can make an ad and track you
You’re giving hackers, spammers, thefts, the boogeyman access to track you
What’s the point in having all that security in your home if you’re just gonna give them a Birdseye view from your devices?
Do you really need to be eye raped by that ad that’s probably likely spam which is why there’s a ton of people who fell for it and they’re leaving comments about how it’s spam, they never got the item, or it doesn’t work or blah blah blah
If you see an ad where comments are turned off, beware.
Ads are red flags
Why are you giving them permission to be in your phone? Have you actually read what it means, have you gone under Twitter and read what permissions you’re giving them to track you with?
When has an ad changed your life?
Turn if off
So if you need help finding anything just reach out to me and I’ll do my best to help you or to help you find the answer
I recently switched to an iPhone for the first time after being a Samsung/Android user and reason number 1 was the fact that you cannot uninstall the Facebook application from the device
Woah 👎👎
But I’m also finding that there’s been a lot of security threats all around with the safety of phones in general
This was a fairly scary article to read but wasn’t shocking that the attacks are coming from the Middle East / Asia) 🙄
There are a lot of people out there that doesn’t have the IQ or intelligence that we have or the critical thinking skills so they’re being manipulated and taken from their money and it’s not a positive experience for them and it’s young people and old people and middle-age people, they know how to use words and steal identity or money
Please turn off ad tracking everywhere, you are legally letting hackers spy on you through ad campaigns
It’s really scary if I’m honest
These ads are tracking and manipulating our children, not just us
What’s the point of even locking your doors at night when we’re letting the bogeyman spy on us through ad tracking?
But can we please stop having them spam us, turn the ads off please, for the love of God, turn the ad tracking off!!!!
*takes a deep breath*
I am an American soldier and I am trying to protect the American way of life, which is completely under threat right now
Please wake up
And turn off ad tracking everywhere
Safety first
You’re letting strangers track you through ads
Turn it off, tell your friends
I love you
Reporting the important topics to you today from ground zero: my bed
Haven’t even brushed my tooths yet – just thought you should be aware of how dangerous ad tracking really is because nobody’s telling you or talking about it
And I was trained in the army that safety is everybody’s job and it’s everybody’s place to let people know when there’s a safety issue so knock knock, safety issue, turn your ad tracking off
You don’t need it, I promise you
And go help your mom turn their ad tracking off and help your children and your friends, spread the word, let’s make it difficult for these assholes to spam us, spy on us, take our money, give us bad days
If I stop following you and you block me, that’s okay.
I’m not gonna block you back.
I don’t even want to remember your fake ass username or how terrible of a person you really are.
The same people who punish me for getting sick for getting vaccinated are the same kind of people who would’ve locked me on the bottom of the Titanic and watched it sink in boats that could’ve held more people.
Instead of people wishing me get wells, I get ignored, unfollowed, or blocked.
“Everybody gone mad / everybody dog food” – Michael Jackson
I have underlining health issues like a lot of Americans and this vaccine could actually hurt them like it did me or all the teens and youths’s
The CDC and Big Pharma should have placed warnings in the beginning when they knew the risks but kept them from us
End of!
For the record, my heart swelled up, heart tissue got damaged, I was in a lot of pain.
I’m just now getting to a point where I’m not feeling agonizing pain on the daily.
I’ve already had multiple tests done on my heart, and I still have two stress tests pending that I don’t even want to do.
My heart has been under enough stress, thank you.
And the guys who come and go from my life virtually are no different from the guys who came and went in my life in my real world and they always did me dirty no matter how good of a fucking girlfriend I was to them (or friend), no matter how good of a sexual partner I was to them, no matter how well of a financial partner I was to them or how I supported them it was always the opposite for me and very degrading, every relationship was very very degrading because apparently most everybody is a fucking narcissist and all they care is about is using others to get ahead, friends, family, co-workers, they spare no one!
But I’m supposed to feel bad that they’re gone 🙄
It’s my fault, when people are bad to me 🙄
I deserve to be punished 🙄
I’ve had dudes break up with me because my tits weren’t fake 🙄
I grew up in a society where they shamed mother bodies
But now you can watch women breast-feeding on Twitter in a sexualized manner 🙄
Whereas, I would’ve had eggs thrown at me if I had ever breast-fed in public 🤨
50% don’t recover from “heart inflammation” and they’re only talking about the teens and young adults 👀
They’re not even including my age group and I warned you before it was even in the fucking news or before teens and young adults could even get the vaccination
You know it’s true
I say Cardiovascular issues and blood clots but the CDC says “heart inflammation” I say extreme lethargy but the CDC says “tiredness” – they like to sugarcoat everything don’t they
Well it’s more than circulatory issues, people are fucking dying over it
Teens and young adults from heart inflammation
Only 50% of that age group recovers
*slightly starts to panic again*
👀
I list my symptoms now:
Chest pains – constant pain like a pulled or torn muscle and then random electric charges or shocks that last for several seconds followed by intense burning 👀
I generally stop breathing during these episodes and they come at random at rest or activity – and activity definitely makes the pain worse! Lately the shocks have been more intense. Today I’ve been feeling like I’m going to pass out. I started slipping earlier and thought for sure it was my last breath 👀
Feeling extremely cold – this correlated with my Blood Pressure (BP) dropping as the nurse recorded my BP – the results led to my doctor ordering an EKG – which showed an enlarged chamber, and one closed off – creating blood flow issues- basically my heart is having a hard time pumping blood throughout my body and it doesn’t have enough kick or force to be able to do it on its own so instead of it pushing blood throughout my entire body it only worries about my vital organs which are inside my ribcage which is why I start feeling extremely cold because in reality I’m actually fucking dying and your skin is not considered a vital organ. People dying feel cold. I told my doctor I felt like Antarctica and I live in Florida. My electric bill was $11 last month but not running the air caused a mold problem in my closet that I had to fix by myself – while dying – cuz mold is ancient and it too was trying to kill me 👀
Dizziness and extreme lethargy – like I’m on my deathbed and can’t keep my eyes open even though I’m getting more sleep now than I’ve done over the last decade 👀
I don’t like the taste of food anymore. The vaccines have changed my sense of smell and taste. A minor setback compared to my chest pains!
I’ve had a lot of anxiety and stress over this – the fears get me and then I spend hours under my heating pad crying because it’s the only thing that brings any relief to my heart (except him – there’s a guardian angel looking over me and feeding me in every way he can. But that’s a whole nother story!)
I’ve been down 2 months! The heart doesn’t feel better and the chest pains are getting worse. The reality is, I might not pull through.
There’s a good chance I’m gonna die from a heart attack over this.
I’m trying to get my affairs in order – and just want to die in peace.
When I was talking to my doctor on the phone about my EKG results, she specifically said she didn’t like how my heart looked for my age and that my heart should not look like it does. She then went on to tell me that an EKG is not a good test to measure the chambers (size) of the heart (but my EKG clearly shows signs of distress). She’s ordered several more tests And I’m pending receiving those with care outside of the VA because the clinic here can’t give me the test so the only nearest VA to me that can do it is 176 miles away so I had to get it approved locally and they only called me last week with a list of providers that I could go see so I finally have a provider but I’m still waiting on the appointment time.
Vets die on waiting lists.
👀
I was in so much pain the night my Holy Ghost visited me and he’s my guardian angel and the reason I’m still alive plus the universe and maybe because I really want to kiss him before I die 👀
See, this is why I already like the Twitch platform and I do plan to start using it more once I get my master bedroom set up the way I want and move my TV and my gaming system and everything back here
I’ve been getting hit on Instagram about my posts not being seen by other users because of my background music – so thank you Twitch for letting me understand what Big Bro has been doing to my account.
👇👇👇
Instagram has become a dreadful platform to use. Not only do I have to worry about my content being erroneously reported or having to fight the algorithm bots, but now I’m dealing with even more censorship because of the background music I chose to be playing when I’m dancing or working out.
Street teaming was once glorified and now you get in trouble for it literally!!!!
It’s nice to see though that Twitch is actually upset that Big Bro is messing with peoples accounts like that even though this isn’t Instagram or Facebook, it’s Twitch.
But it also means not every company or app is bowing down to Big Bro.
My new free OF is still pending – and I intend to start using Twitch to livestream more – even for the nights I’m gaming. I had Twitch set up with my computer in my home studio but when I did my poetry livestream, the audio was cutting in and out – but not during the performance, I could only hear the technical issues after. It wasn’t an issue with my mic.
I don’t really know what I’m doing and I have a brain injury so when something goes wrong I get stuck and I don’t have anybody to help me. 😏
Unless I am selling you a product on Instagram, Insta has made sure I become obsolete.
“We believe they used automatic tools to scan”
Yup!!! No god damn privacy! We’ve moved into an actual Hitler state and 1984 is now but you can go get a free donut at Krispy Kreme for just obeying!!!!
It’s hip, it’s cool to peer pressure somebody into doing something that they don’t want to do or to steal someone else’s ideas and copy them!!! Bullying is okay because it’ll become a TikTok that has gone viral!
It’s no wonder all the good people like me are going unhinged and taking all you motherfuckers out!
I hope to watch the next shootout with a livestream at the next one with my little fucking cheerleading outfit and a goddamn stick on a pole cheerin the motherfuckers
Woo hoo you got another!!!!
The entire morning shift!!!!
Go you!!!!
And look at you not even messing with the fucking law, you didn’t even care about the cops, you knew cops were gonna take you out, you were going to get as much of the motherfuckers that pissed you off on the morning shift!!!
You are now my effing hero!!!
I’m going to start sensationalizing the fucking gun shooters!!!
Woo hoo yee hawwwww!!!!
1984 is now and I’ve been ridiculed and silenced by the same system I fought to protect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Twitch for having the little guy’s back!!!! I love you!!!!!!!
Oh my fucking God, stop the press, I’ve been called a whore again. 👀
He’s mad at me and now using that disgusting piece of shit ex of mine as a bomb to hurt me *rolls eyes* 🙄
Mark did scam me out of a lot of things, but my real love and heart he never got. He kept my pussy dry literally. Keep reading on to learn more 👀
(I went no contact from Mark – he posted on my blog when he got back with one of his exes, I didn’t go to The Chameleons blog – he came to mine. He’s a narcissist and I’d gone no contact but he was desperate for me to know – he’s desperate for me to love him. I don’t. I can’t stand Mark Burgess. He’s the plague and I want NOTHING to do with him. He never pays taxes, he lives rent free off the women he abuses. He’s a scumbag and writing music doesn’t give you the right to do the monstrous things he has done and continues to do. He’s a menace and needs burned at the stake, along with all the books and music. Erased from history is the only ending he deserves. Of course, he leads everyone to believe that the women are the problem even tho it’s the women running from HIM. And he moves from one relationship to the next. Claims true love every time. He taste like death. 🤮🤮🤮
I did a runner from Mark Burgess because he is the plague and you should stay far the fuck away from him.
I don’t like or love him.
I couldn’t even get sexually off from him
I couldn’t even get wet down there 😑
I don’t like Mark Burgess
I don’t love Mark Burgess
And you don’t get to act like you’re my best friend and then turn around and call me a whore just because I have a political fucking opinion about what’s going on in the world and I actually have a right to say something about what’s going on in the world because I’ve actually served my fucking country you piece of shit
Look at all this charming smooth talk via PM tho. You always wanted me to chat with yah, never did/would tho. Hell, you invited me into your home and offered to pay for my hotel.
But now publicly suddenly I am one of the worst things ever and a whore and I’m selling my body on the cheap
🧐
👇👇👇👇
👀
I never did give him what he wanted though- my time or my friendship and now look at him calling me a whore 👀 from inviting me and paying for my hotel to calling me a fucking whore 👀
He says I think the world owes me everything and I’m selling my body “on the cheap”
👀
But he was just inviting to pay for my fucking hotel room
👀
Now I’m a whore and he’s siding with that piece of shit Mark 👀
I am called a whore / you’d give me your dinner?
For the record, I don’t need anyone paying my hotel bills when I travel, I do that on my own.
I normally stay with my best friend who is a female – I’ve visited her in England twice staying with her 2 weeks on each visit.
I also helped with food and the electric and left her some moneyzzz cuz I’m not a complete bum.
She did not ask me to do this. Flights anywhere are expensive – and I’m happy to stay with my REAL FRIENDS when I visit if they invite me.
I’m not rich nor ever have been.
I was not born with a silver spoon.
I’ve always had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet.
I do not feel bad or guilty for stripping to eat or pay my bills.
You don’t get to invite me into your life and then call me a whore after and not get sandblasted.
He was always denied tho – as you can see – I don’t talk to anyone.
Prime example why
They all want to fuck me for free
Yet I’m called cheap
👀
Yea, I’m the problem clearly
Fuck off now
Run back to Mark Burgess
You’re both twats
Stop acting like you don’t have a porn addiction or that you are all holy and can call me your friend and then a “whore” (but only after you offered to pay for my hotel – I wasn’t a whore when you were offering to pay for my visit)
Never even had the desire to meet you – let alone for you to pay for my hotel.
“Whore” yup m’kay why? Because I do cosplay? Because I take off my clothes now during a pandemic because I’m disabled and need to pay my bills and we are in a RECESSION?
Because I blew through my life savings trying to stay afloat?
Because the jobs I was working paid under minimum wage and I have a college degree but can’t find work in my field due to the recession/furloughs/hiring freezes?
And those minimum wage jobs are taxed like hell and barely support cost of living (COLA) which is why people work multiple jobs to stay afloat?
Because they can’t save one fucking penny to get ahead.
Because nobody wants to actually support me or my dreams because they all want to “be my friend” so they can fuck me?
When I don’t want to fuck anybody –
Because I want to make babies with the love of my life and he recently bought me pizza?
Because I’m not actually a whore and there’s nothing wrong with sex workers.
I don’t actually “sell my body” 🧐
I don’t think anyone can actually “sell their body”. 🤔
If you mean “perform sex acts”, that isn’t anything I’m actually doing.
It’s called burlesque but I’m not very good.
I like to cosplay and roleplay tho cuz being an actor was always my dream, I still audition for parts (even reality TV shows), and I love getting to play dressup cuz I was always a Soldier/tomboy.
I don’t think what I am doing is sinful.
I’m trying to understand who I am as a human and a woman.
Not the part or role that everyone else wants me to play.
What I’m doing now is what I’ve always wanted to do.
Writing, photography, cosplay, guitar, it’s my thang.
The feedback I’ve been getting on my OnlyFans has improved my overall health and mental status / self-esteem.
I would say the feedback I have received has been priceless to my growth as a human and an artist.
There’s a lot of value on my OnlyFans and I’m trying to get better at my cosplay and my photography and I think it shows.
I appreciate your good feedback, your comments, likes, tips, gifts and subscriptions!
I also GREATLY appreciate the support on my Patreon as well!
“I can’t believe this is the land from which I came” 👀
Oh MJ…
My hero and my first crush
I’m awake with you
And nearly dead
👀
I watched a conference where Michael Jackson was talking about how he wrote this song and that it was about the illuminati and how they don’t really care about us…
I don’t need permission as a writer or a blogger to share my life journey with you – I’ve opted to include the ups and downs – I don’t need to write an essay explaining why I chose to be vaccinated – I don’t need to include my education or my credentials for any of this.
I don’t owe you anything.
I’ve paid the costs of living this life and I don’t need your mockery.
Every now and then I remind people that I am a mother
And reason number 1 that I don’t have fake boobs is because I’m a breast feeder. 👀
I fed mine for 1 solid year.
They never once drank powder formula.
100% breast milk only and for 6 months that is all my child lived on and then after 6 months of age I began introducing baby food to their diet but my breast milk was their number 1 diet for another 6 months!
Not Gerber baby food. Not powdered milk.
The milk that my body made specific to my babies needs.
That’s what they drank.
Looking at mama while feeding 👀
My baby is all growns now.
I pay all my own bills 👀
Never once married 👀
Y’all don’t like a real MILF tho do you?
You like the ones with the fake tits who don’t even watch their kids?
Let alone breast feed 👀
I wish I knew then what I know now 👀
My tits sag cuz I’m a mom who breastfed and I’m sick of you body shaming me because of it 👀
I’m still capable of having babies 👀
But maybe not for much longer 👀
(Because I’m currently 420 years of age) 👀
Still ovulating
100% all natural babe
And on my good days I still look fairly young and everybody thinks we’re sisters (not mama daughter)
(While they were born female they identify as male so I rarely use the term she/her anymore).
I’m not inexperienced 👀
That porn actress is ACTING – that’s why she looks direct in the camera and SMILES.
Please wake up
Dying and need you
😩
(Somebody please love me before I die on the street)
(I don’t want to replace my body with desensitizing plastic so I can’t even feel you touching me or fucking me) 👀
I wore fake nails for two weeks and couldn’t feel a fucking thing I touched.
Apparently getting lots of sleep is a side effect of the COVID vaccinations 👀
I haven’t slept since war in 2003 👀
But now that I’m semi-dying I can’t get enough sleep 👀
There are random times that my eyelids become so heavy I feel like I’m moving into my final rest 👀
Like, this may be the last time I lay down 👀
Like I’m dying 👀
But it’s a side effect of the vaccinations and can go on for weeks 👀
Lethargy 👀
From insomniac to I can’t get enough sleep 👀
*runs to the CDC website to check to see if lethargy is listed as a side effect* 👀
It is not 👀
Well, it does list “tiredness”, the CDC like to sugarcoat it though.
Tired 👀
I’m sorry but I can’t come into work today because “I’m tired”. 👀
Did you get any sleep?
Yeah, like 19 hours but I’m tired. 👀
Good luck keeping that job. 👀
Good luck getting a job that isn’t Big Corporation (which are mainly owned and ran by people from other countries who come here and pay all their people top dollar while paying the Americans minimum wage and rarely giving pay raises or using the recommended pay and reward systems 👀
(They don’t even give proper rest breaks) 👀
(Trump wasn’t wrong about them taking our jobs) 👀
*remembers I had to yell at my nurse to take this seriously because people are dying from this and I need to know if it is related to the shots*
*doc said yesterday that she looked into the side effects and what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID*
*it’s not in my fucking head*
The “No Child Left Behind Act” means everybody follows the rules and no one goes above and beyond to see what is going on with people when they’re having rare symptoms 👀
Including most people still plugged into the system 👀
But my doctor woke 👀
(And it’s really hard to find one in the VA)
I reminded my doctor yesterday that I am an old school Army medic and they don’t make us like they used to 👀
I was basically a nurse – I was EMT certified but trained to do a whole lot more on Soldiers than civilians 👀
The military have their on judicial system 👀
They have their own training system too 👀
I was a combat medic for half my career 👀
(7 1/2 years but remained the “medic” any time we had range or needed an extra hat to remind people to stay hydrated) 👀
I did way more than that 👀
They had me in charge of drug prevention and giving random urine test 👀
I got paid the big moneys in the Department of Defense 👀
I might’ve fell with the great economic collapse like the great fucking depression 👀
But I still remember all my training 👀
My resume is 4 pages long 👀
I was a super Soldier 👀
Now I’m super dying and it is COVID related my doctor confirmed 👀
I’m not losing my mind 👀
It’s not all in my head 👀
You might not see what is happening to me and you might not read about it on the CDC website but it is actually real 👀
(And you may need to find a good nurse or doctor who gets this) 👀
(If you know something is wrong but you aren’t getting the answers you need about your car or your marriage or your body, then you might wanna think about changing who you’re working with because they might not be very good at their job, maybe they’re just average at their job, maybe they do a pretty decent job but nothing more) 👀
I’ve read articles where teenage children burned in a house that was burning down simply because the mom said “stay”. 👀
I don’t listen to anything my parents say 👀
My skill sets are not like yours 👀
I only speak the truth 👀
It feels nice to wake up though to know that there’s at least one other individual out there who knows that what is going on with me is COVID-19 related 👀
I didn’t need to know that all this started after my first and second doses, there was already a correlation there even tho the CDC doesn’t list “blood clots” as a possible side effect and people are dying from it.
(Including Moderna) 👀
I’m “tired” because my BP (blood pressure) keeps dropping (which is why I get extremely cold but being “cold” isn’t listed on the CDC website) 👀
Dying is not listed as a possible side effect of vaccinations even though people are actually dying from these vaccines 👀
This pandemic was completely manmade but that’s an entirely different fucking argument that my heart cannot get into right now because it’s too fucking tired even though it slept through the night 👀
So if you are feeling “tired” after being vaccinated, it’s a side effect that can go on FOR WEEKS. 👀
And if your body feels like Antarctica even though you live in Florida and it’s 93° outside and you’re not running your air conditioning –
You might be dying 👀
(I hope you have somebody who can keep you suspended between heaven and earth or hell because I believe him and my doctor are the only reason I’m alive)
Him, my doctor, and aspirin 👀
(And what’s even scarier is when you’re going through all this and nobody believes you)
And yeah, I had to yell at my nurse to take this shit seriously and not give me the common side effects listed by the CDC.
The illuminati own Big Bro and Big Internet
But it’s nice to finally start finding some articles that haven’t been paid or promoted by the CDC or WHO
It’s by some miracle I’m still alive.
I was fucking dying that first night you came to see me.
My BP dropped because it had to carve a new path to work.
My BP keeps dropping because those Moderna shots have fucked me up.
The only reason I’m still alive is because he did come to see me.
He put me in some sort of trance.
He removed my fears and took my mind (mostly) from the pain.
And I was telling him, “I’m sorry my energy levels are so low”.
I’m fucking dying
👀
Wanted to watch the sun go down on the beach Friday night and I thought it was gonna be my last because my body core temperature started dropping so low that I could no longer sit on the sand.
I was so lethargic I thought I was about to just lay down and go to sleep and never wake up and it was really scary to think that I could just die right there with all those strangers around and so I immediately got up and went the fuck home and got in my bed and back under my fucking heating pad because I was freezing. By 8:30 I was back home in bed on a Friday night. Lame 👀
Wednesday after freezing under my heating pad for 3 hours – I took a solid hot bath – 10 minutes into that hot bath my skin felt cold as a dead body.
I might die from this.
It’s a miracle I’m still alive.
I’m bonded to him and it’s not because he bought me pizza – but he did buy me pizza and now I’m his wife.
He’s stuck with me.
👀
That’s the rules in an apocalypse.
You buy her pizza and she’s yours.
👀
(I feel closer to him than anyone in the entire world and I don’t know who he is)
👀
And I’m currently that salmon swimming upstream.
I gots to find my mate before I die
(I was meant to have another 40+ years)
*warning* If you have underlying health issues you’re playing Russian roulette if you get any of the vaccinations
1984 is now
Stay woke
Because I can barely keep my eyes open due to extremely low energy levels after receiving Covid vaccinations
I’m not supposed to be feeling like I’m already knocking on my grave
I’m so paranoid to believe / they whipped up the perfect formula to get to me…
So yeah, taking an aspirin a day now for blood clots – well uhm – to thin my blood out and maybe keep less clots destroying my heart.
If you already suffer from underlying health issues – you need to understand the risks involved when you get that goddamn vaccine
M’kay
People have died from it, it’s not a fucking joke
I have nothing to gain from being the whistleblower
But everything to lose
👀
The phone conversation went worse.
Why the fuck did I do that second shot
If you feel it in your fucking soul to not do something, you need to listen to yourself and not what the media is peer pressuring you to do and everyone around you
That vaccine is fucking peer pressure
I collapsed and look where it got me!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t wanna die in my bed and now I can’t even fucking leave it!
Doc says my EKG doesn’t look good. And I’ve been having heart issues lately. She says one chamber looks enlarged and one looks closed off. Just an FYI because not all disabilities are visible. Depression isn’t my only ailment. I hope you’ll excuse how shitty I look, I’m on bed rest and between doctor visits. Wanna get back to working out and cosplay soon – But I just received this news this morning about my EKG results and I’m still trying to process the news. I just returned from seeing my doctor and I’m pending being scheduled for an ultrasound. She started me on aspirin as well. She said I’m too young for this and she doesn’t like how my EKG looks.
I have a constant pain there too – knowing that it could potentially be because it’s a chamber torn is freaking me out. So I’m trying not to get into my head and into my anxiety.
So to sum things up, two of the chambers of my heart are questionable and of concern for my doctor.
I have been having chest pains and I can feel pressure in my heart. Sometimes I can feel blockages or like maybe I have blood clots.
I don’t have the heart to tell you that I’m dying
Regret?
Yeah.
Only one thing I really want before I die.
His kiss.
And a box for my bones.
I had the bullets in the chamber though didn’t I
Moderna was Russian roulette but the CDC hadn’t released the information regarding blood clots and I know it’s happening in Moderna too, I mean I’m fucking proof….
I was complaining of heart issues and potential blood clots with my doctor and she prescribed me aspirin but I’m convinced now Moderna is to blame.
There’s always going to be casualties of war.
I told you I was out here in the trenches didn’t I.
Didn’t I?
So now I’m telling you don’t get the fucking shot if you already have heart issues and are experiencing blood clot issues unless you want to play Russian roulette with the vaccine and blow your fucking heart out like I’ve done
I didn’t know the vaccine was causing blood clot issues prior to me getting dose one and and all assured I was good to go for dose two even though my blood pressure fucking dropped.
Woo hoo hold on BB!!! The end is near!
Check make for the New World Order because they won’t have to pay me any more if I fucking die
I won’t be a fucking crutch on the system anymore will I
More money in their fucking pockets to play on the fucking yachts
Casualties of war!!!!
The unknown soldier!
They got me!
Knocked out whaaaa 40 + years of my life? With a fucking vaccine I knew was too fucking new and risky to do.
I FUCKING KNEW
*tries not to go fucking crazy and destroy everything in my home that I’ve worked for
*tries not to jump off a fucking bridge
Moderna is to blame and my shitty eating habits during this fucking quarantine
Modern medicine don’t mean shit if you’ve lost your will to live
Or can’t even get into the fucking VA for a fucking ultrasound when you got two chambers in your heart fucked up
Moderna IS to blame
Oh and now we can gather in small crowds with people vaccinated and unvaccinated like fucking Russian roulette.
👀
I just threw away 40 years of my fucking life over a vaccine
Y’all know how I almost got arrested at the VA because I was letting other people know that they could still get sick even vaccinated because I didn’t want them to get sick even though they’re getting vaccinated?
Well, I’ve lost followers over that as well but you can go to the CDC website and get this information for yourself.
They’re not gonna be as direct in saying it but it’s on the CDC website right there with all the variants and the relapses of people who are getting sick even though they are vaccinated (and these people were shocked and couldn’t believe that they actually got sick because they were vaccinated).
Me too. I was starting to have that misconception that I was going to be invincible at 94% effective against it (you know what I mean free donuts every day at Krispy Kreme just showing my vaccination card)….
It’s hip, it’s cool to be vaccinated, the cute little cartoon videos will show you people running around without their mask on – but when you’re in public you still need to have your mask on and you can actually still get sick – but they don’t say that or show that in the cute video do they…
Condoms aren’t 100% effective either and they are already talking about booster shots annually.
I will not be getting anything else shot wise in regards to COVID.
They will – at this point – have to enforce it on me.
They will have to enforce it on me and even then with five people holding me down they’re gonna have a fucking hard time getting that booster shot in me.
FYI.
I’m done with this man-made pandemic bullshit.
Delirious but not fucking delusional.
My mask will be staying on. I will be keeping six feet from you.
Move anywhere inside my bubble and you risk getting yelled at just like that cop did.
He too will obey the fucking rules or arrest me!
And 4 other cops rolled in and nearly did.
Don’t come at me.
1984 is now!
👀
Why are people so afraid to be told that they can still get sick even vaccinated?
*runs around yelling putting the fear into everybody*
*waits to be stoned/arrested/shadowbanned/crucified/burned at the stake/unfollowed/blocked*
Condoms are not 100% effective and neither is your vaccination. 👀
You can still get sick (or others).
So what does this mean?
It means Biden has a 15 year plan laid out for this pandemic and they’re now speaking of booster shots annually.
It means you still need to wear your mask, wash your hands and practice social distancing by keeping 6 feet.
Even vaccinated. 👀
Because we are now living in the New World order.
And since 1984 is now – and many are trying to silence me from reminding you of this blatant fact – I’m gonna put it on a tee.
You can still get sick vaccinated.
They are already talking of booster COVID shots for next year. 👀
(And did anybody notice how they quietly removed the Johnson and Johnson one shot vaccine temporarily because it was causing blood clots but it’s now back in circulation).
I already have heart issues, my BP dropped extremely low getting MODERNA dose 1 (so maybe a slight miracle I wasn’t offered the J&J, and the government likely wanted the MODERNA vaccines for the Soldiers, because it offers a 94% effective rate against COVID (but not the rapidly evolving strains), and let’s face it, a Soldier is a DOLLAR sign. We are only numbers. And many of us have unplugged and have come to learn this fact and they’re dying by suicide which is why the suicide rate continues to increase among veterans and active military). The government are building super soldiers and they spend a lot of money training us, that’s why they don’t want us to fucking die. They only care about stats and numbers! The J&J vaccine offers an 80% effective rate from COVID. MODERNA 94%. And I haven’t studied the other vaccines emerging. But I’m definitely glad I didn’t get the Johnson and Johnson one if it’s causing fucking blood clots and I already have heart issues!
Now I’ve just received my second shot, which I’m told is worse than the first vaccine (but you don’t need to take my word for it, it’s listed on the CDC website).
So here we go.
Dose 2 complete and now they are talking of booster shots for next year. 👀
This pandemic was manmade.
It’s clear to me.
Scientists playing God.
Narcissism ruining the world.
With just 1 move the NWO:
1. Put a lid on the “anti vacciner” by implementing a manmade pandemic encouraging (rather than enforcing) people to get vaccinated.
They do this by giving you incentive like, “fully vaccinated people can get a free donut at Krispy Kreme by showing their vaccination record”
Advertising about how cool it is to be vaccinated and to get vaccinated (even though you can still get sick and you need to wear your mask but they leave this out of the video don’t they).
Giving you the option to be vaccinated makes you feel like you have control over the situation but it’s just gaslighting, it’s just more smallpox on blankets to Indians (and I am part Native American Indian and my bloodline was almost wiped out so my fears are legit).
Eventually it will be enforced.
Through “no entry unless fully vaccinated” mandates. I imagine this will be for all public transportation, schools, hospitals, and government buildings.
2. Population control
The NWO want every animal (including you and me) tagged.
You are given a number at birth.
They call it “security” but I’m told when I’m at age to need it there won’t be any fucking funds.
“Social Security is under threat“, remember?
Was anybody actually paying attention to Obama anytime the words “New World Order” came out of his mouth? Because there’s video everywhere of him talking about it, along with all our world leaders.
It’s not every now and then they mention it, it’s all the time, during live conferences!
It’s not a conspiracy theory!
And just because something is a conspiracy doesn’t mean it’s not true!
Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not being followed!!!
You can still get sick even vaccinated!!!
Jim Morrison was acutely aware of the illuminati so was Michael Jackson so was Tupac so was John Lennon.
Knock knock
You are a slave, Neo.
I almost got arrested today because some lady didn’t wanna hear that she could still get sick even vaccinated but the other people around me did want to hear it so I almost got arrested for them to hear it.
I also yelled at the cop for getting in my face and not giving me 6 feet and respecting my personal space!
Then more cops rolled in.
1984 is now y’all.
Go ahead and fucking crucify me, you’re not going to silence me!!!
Welp, BIG BRO actually is working towards silencing many of us. Fairly certain Trump isn’t the only one who can be banned from the Internet.
And we can thank Bush with his “Signing Statements” for that because we’ve moved into a Hitler state!!!
I’m aware that this post is very political and many may not be able to keep up with the particular topics that are involved but I am a soldier, this is what I do, this is me, it’s part of who I am and will always be.
The key thing you need to take from all of this is, you can still get sick even vaccinated! Stay woke!
And that one lady was the only bad Apple that didn’t want to hear what I had to say, everybody else was thanking me because I potentially saved their life or someone else’s because they had the same mentality going forward that I did that you were going to be invincible once you were fucking vaccinated – free donuts and it’s cool getting vaccinated, you know!!
It’s hip, it’s cool man. It’s a hippie dippy cool thing to be vaccinated!
But you can still get sick! 👀
And booster shots annually.
Big Pharma got the money back they lost from the anti-vacciners and the weed smokers!
Did you know when you were singing that night to the crowd that it would be your last time?
Or did something at home trigger you?
Did you know you were going to end your life after your sold out show?
Did you know you were going to wrap a belt around your throat and hang yourself in the hotel bathroom?
That’s the exact moment you were notifying your wife Vicky, through tapping the on/off button on an app that turned your bedroom lights on and off from anywhere in the world.
Were you hoping to be saved?
Or were you telling your wife goodbye?
That’s how she knew something was wrong, the lights were turning on and off in your bedroom – but you were in Detroit in a hotel after a sold out show. She was at your home in California.
Were you speaking in code?
Did you know that would be your final performance?
You were the leader of the alternative scene.
I lost my best friend to suicide in 1993 and Soundgarden was her favorite band and now you’re gone to suicide as well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I’ve been suffering from depression all my fucking life.
I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of fighting to stay in a world I don’t belong in.
I’ve been lying to myself all my life saying it’s going to get easier, things are going to get better, things are going to change, everything is going to be all right, but I’ve been gaslighting myself.
The world is getting worse.
I’ve cried so long because I wanted to belong to somebody or somewhere or to feel wanted and loved. I’ve never even had fucking parents. I had abusers.
Y’all don’t understand.
The soulless narcissist will never understand.
Vapid.
I might as well go hang myself in a hotel fucking bathroom only I’ve got about as much money as Edgar Allan Poe did when he died on the fucking street broke and naked.
👀
That tattoo on my rib cage are words Edgar Allan Poe wrote for his wife when she died. I got Edgar in my bone.
Feeling emo.
I was hoping to find love before I die but now I’m just hoping for a box for my bones.
She said that round 2 of the COVID vaccine can get nasty, people are reporting having to “strip their clothes off” in the bathroom when they have diarrhea.
And it has taken me roughly 3 days to recover from shot 1. My heart was like holy fuck – we ain’t even had a hug since 2019! WTF did you give me.
And just think, in only a few weeks I get to do this all again!
I’ll keep you posted- And I am not looking forward to my body overheating so badly that I will need to remove my clothing and everything on the inside “potentially” (it is a side effect of the vaccine though)
*laughs insanely*
So I’m getting ready to shop for some butt plugs.
I’m all in. 👀
People say something is wrong with me because I sometimes laugh when people die or when they fall down or when they shit themselves and like it’s just how I process the bad stuff.
I’ve been having random burst of laughter all morning since I woke up because I’m terrified of what’s to come and the only way I know how to make some fun out of it is to buy some really cool butt plugs (like a glass one with a tail) that I can use in some of my cosplay photography on OnlyFans.
When life throws you lemons- buy some butt plugs.
That’s the lesson I’m learning here.
*laughs insanely*
Can’t. Breathe.
I finally got a good laugh in this pandemic, my gut is hurting.
My ass may soon be hurting too.
Just keeping it real…
Nicely put but the reality for some is “ripping your clothes off” in a meltdown because you can’t have any “fabric touching your skin”
Can’t.Stop.Laughing.
I’m gonna pee myself
If you’ve never had to violently remove your clothing while taking a shit then you don’t know struggle.
“What this WHITE WOMAN”… “just another WHITE WOMAN” (why does he keep screaming about my skin color)?“You spilled all that shit out as if I’m supposed to give a fuck” (wait, what? You’re the one private messaging ME to “get to know me”. I guess you couldn’t see past my mental illness or color though)… So black and brown people don’t care about white people’s mental health according to Chris. He speaks for All Colored race… Doesn’t care “What we (white peope) think, feel, or say”… You still supporting his blog? 🤔
“Self-centered pieces of shit”- you realize he’s talking about white people, right? Then I’m called a bitch.
You still supporting this racist piece of fucking shit???
WHERE THE BLOGGERS AT?? HAD THIS BEEN REVERSED, I’D BEEN CRUCIFIED!!!
HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH. RACISM EXISTS IN 2021 AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE!!!
He falls like snow Gently weeping Hope crystallized White and pristine And do my wings fall deeply Leaving patterns unstained Just memories to remain He comes like cold December waving Celestial dreaming Calm and endless
Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).
Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.
And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).
“Suicide comes in three”.
But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.
GET IN THE FUCKING SEA
These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.
We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.
So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.
But then there’s an actual fear of dying.
It’s complicated.
And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.
I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.
I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?
I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*
I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.
I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.
So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.
I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.
And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.
They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.
This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.
God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.
Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.
I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.
I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.
What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????
Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.
My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.
I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.
And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.
I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?
And this was directly after a sold out show.
Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.
Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.
I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.
Too much.
Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.
I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.
Too much.
It’s a pink crystal for health and healing but I can’t find a quiet zone anywhere, at any time, to meditate. Manic.
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I have a science degree in communication and can’t even fucking talk.
Furthermore, my brain is quickly failing me due to TBI, PTSD, chronic depression, acute anxiety, insomnia, paranoia, nightmares (war vet), and a billion other health problems not related to my mind. Like bone and muscle problems.
Not that you care. 👍
WOO HOO
I AIN’T DYING NAKED IN THE STREET
FYI.
I’m a broken fucking doll.
And just as soon as I come along and repair one tiny piece someone else will come along and break five more.
I’ve been physically abused, I am a survivor.
My doctor is begging me to take my fucking big pharma medication and I do good eating once a day, if at all.
I need to disassociate but everybody wants my time.
Wahhhh
Meanwhile, politics make me suicidal and on edge. My dad dying has taken me to new levels of darkness I’ve never known. I’m having to rip out my own heart, which is basically my muse, because he is I and I is he and all he does it make me bleed. So, I’ve lost my muse. I don’t even know if I have fucking air to breathe because half the time I’m hyperventilating from crying.
I live alone. During a pandemic. My pets are now getting on my nerves daily in this noisy apartment life. I want solitude and silence but apparently that too only belongs to the rich.
WordPress is getting on my nerves.
The air you breathe is getting on my nerves.
I am on edge and suicidal when I am not disassociating.
But there’s never any time to disassociate and I probably won’t even get to do that when I’m dead.
Justice would be coming back as an evil spirit and haunting your every move and breath.
Once again, I dare say Edgar Allan Poe suffered from depression. I am diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed.
Maybe I should start seeking a locket of his hair.
Since his hair is now a collector’s item.
I feel like having a Britney Spears moment and shaving off all of my hair.
Anything is possible when you are suicidal. 👍
Teddy is about the only thing that doesn’t trigger me. I found him outside one day by the trash bin. Not a speck of dirt on him. No odd smell. He came home with me. He got a second chance at life. He was simply DISPOSED and I know what that feels like. I do. Tossed out like fucking trash. It gave me a mood. But now he’s centerpiece in my studio and I’ve always wanted a large stuffed animal but no one’s ever given me one. I don’t get spoiled and I take shit home with me from the trash. Nobody sends me chocolate and nobody writes me poetry.
Like, you don’t know what struggle is until you’re finding nurturing in a trash bin.
You’d never catch me eating food from a bin though, I’d die first.
Pride. Ya know?
Teddy almost wound up in a landfill. And don’t even get me started on how much we waste resources.
Are you aware of that Stuxnet virus? I’m getting ready to buy some land and go underground. Good luck knowing my addy. Paranoid soldier? You betcha!!!
Seriously tho, I recommend you watching and learning everything about it now.
Also there are two things you need to know in the event of a nuclear attack (I.E. one of those power plants goes boom) :
1. Get out of the city and 2. Get out of the city.
Get out of the cities, get out of the cities….
If you want to watch a scary movie, watch that documentary on Stuxnet.
Enjoy me online while you can because I promise you I’ll be going underground. Unplugging.
Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.
Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.
I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.
Not everybody wants me to die.
FYI.
Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).
We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).
I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.
I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.
I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?
I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.
Tacos. I desire tacos.
And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.
Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…
I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.
I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!
I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!
I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.
And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.
So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.
I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.
I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.
But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.
I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.
Hormones.
I’m moody. Edgy.
Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.
It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.
I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.
I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.
I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.
Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.
Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.
Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.
Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!
Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.
Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?
Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!
My official boarding pass for the upcoming rover landing to Mars. It’s also nice that we’re starting to have more successes landing on Mars than we are failures. Which might account for the planned manned missions. Woit. Gotta stay alive for this. Right? This is the kind of roses that makes me really excited. Lifeeeee universe nerdy things 😍
Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. 😊 He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.
And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/
I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0
And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…
If you dig this blog, and would like to support keeping it going, please consider a small donation to my PayPal or joining my Patreon for exclusive perks and rewards. Thanks for checking out my work and for supporting small business!
I don’t mind that I’m a bit dirty lol. To be fair, the potato is my favorite vegetable. I am a special spud growing in his existence. Am I the root of all evil? 😀😏😆
Our garden of the damned?
*laughs insanely*
Damn, now I want some mashed potatoes. Or chips. Fries. Twiced baked. Salad. Soup. GIVEMAH!!
In other news, I live in an apartment complex that sounds like a war zone and I need to move. Anxieties.
I’ve been seriously busy planning a cool photoshoot so I hope things go according to plans. They rarely do! So I don’t want to give anything away yet. But, as things progress, you know, updates. I haz secrets!! 😍
He was atomic A void not peaceful Though wasn’t static But like lightning falling He was enigmatic Though loving him Proved problematic
She was barren A desert without form So tired of caring Or like a planet roiling Could hear her swearing And if you caught a glimpse Her wing was wearing
You think you’re in control because I need your money? You think I believe the lies you spread like honey? I could leave without a care, my world would still be sunny! The devil won’t even challenge me, says I’m the perfect study!!
Hi. Some have asked about my activity (or lack thereof). My dad died. I still don’t know the cause of death and there’s legal matters still to attend.
Today is his birthday and I want to celebrate life.
A smile is all I can do.
When I surface for air, and see my blog readers, my followers, my patrons and my subs, it invites me to keep going. But, I gotta deep dive a bit longer. And I appreciate the life support I do.
If you could keep your fingertips on me a bit longer, I fancy the stars and the moon (also helps keep me from drowning).
I paused my Patreon campaign for the month of December, my patrons will not be charged.
I’m posting some photos and videos on my OnlyFans but I have not been in a mood to write.
Thank you for your understanding while I take some time for myself to reflect on the meaning of life.
But also while I deal with life. I am facing things in life I never considered or prepared for.
Like my dads last words to me via his will and testament.
I am still awaiting the arrival of that plus news of his autopsy report. 😭
I just need time to not do anything. And not doing anything still consists of having to take care of my pets and bathe and eat and it’s about all I can muster right now.
My last conversation with my dad was an angry one and I didn’t even give him an opportunity to respond.
I have that cross to bear as well.
I’m going through some shit right now.
The only thing I need right now is time.
Time to cry.
Time to breathe.
Time to grieve.
Time to be.
But, some people use this time to kick me while I’m down. I see you. I read your slights.
I see everything which is generally why I like to be alone.
I’ll get back to writing and creating artsy videos and vampire cosplay soon, it’s what I do. I’m a content creating machine.
2021 is a year of transformation for me, that’s the good ole’ plan anyway. More tattoos, more piercings, more newds. Getting a new wardrobe too.
I’m gonna be hella active, I hope you stick around. I got big plans for my Patreon and my OF.
My blog is my lifeline. Not gonna quit writing anytime soon. Sometimes just need to bury my head in the sand.
Which is a better option than drowning myself in the ocean because we get a thousand pound Great White visitor from Australia that visits us here. I’m sure I’d be a tasty treat.
I don’t get in the ocean because there are fish in there with teeth bigger than me. 👀
I’m petite. 👀
(But also vampire daylight sun gross)
If you need more of me though, there’s currently over 280 photos, 75 videos, and lots of love on my OnlyFans! 💋
I’m coming up with more ways to reward you for your love. Give love, get love. And I’m behind on writing (per my own standards) but life happens and currently life.
I still have bills to pay and food to eat so your support is helping another human exist. It all goes back into the art. It nurtures my soul. I miss you too.
You can come lie in the dark with me if you want. But the gravity will make you cry.
What are your words if hollow and brittle? What becomes of care when you show so little? Then remove the lie from the middle- Watch your honor fade and dwindle?
It’s time integrity took a stand Purity is the only thing I’ve got in hand I fell for your ruse, you’re just the better man? But I can promise, it won’t happen again…
I’ve learned that love is simply a myth And if you have a name, let’s call you Judas Deception is every kiss And betrayal, it’s written on your fist…
An ocean of longing and salt linesTears are translucentStill need you tho I waded out too far
I love u. What’s a girl to do? Been crying for the one since I was like ten. Cuz life is shite. But it’s like we’re world’s apart. 💔
I’m in the deep end and I’m caught in the tide!!! 😰Trying to learn how to live and breathe without you. Not doing a very good job 😭An ocean of sadness. The end is all inside us.
The lie it grew and grew and grew I knew I fell from heaven on the truth Got stuck like glue On every lie because of you Oh, it hurts so much too From empty bottle to fully blue Hell mistook me for a fool
Your prayer dropped a clue You envy youth Now away it flew Leaving you with tooth How they accrue Still every mask I cut through It’s time I withdrew
Spent the night soiling the earth with tears begging the almighty to let me see what I need so I could be free. Didn’t understand the lesson that be. Crying to God, you can lead a demon to holy water, but you cannot make him drink!!!
Nearly drowning from all that makes me bleed. Suffocating on the very air that we breathe. He gave me new eyes to see. Your soul is empty. God cut me free (now whose lying).
The truth hurts worse than the lieTelling lies to myself. That’s not you. It’s someone else. It’s his brother. I’m crazy! Seeing what I wanna! I seem to like you no matter who you are. Which makes me not like you very much!! 😭😰😭I wish I could believe my own lie when I say I don’t love you.The truth hurts worse than the lie. Oh, God forgive me! I still love you, I do! 💔Cursed like Mina Tepes to always love you. 💔
Sidenote: I’ve been in some sort of weird rhyme scheme where I limit my vocabulary even more than I normally do when rhyming. I don’t rhyme just to rhyme, that’s where people fall flat. There’s probably a name for what I’m doing but brain damage. Losing my mind. I see way more than I want to see with my third eye and I’ve never been so fucking depressed or lonely in my life and it’s not that I don’t like my own company because I do – that’s why I’m isolated. I’m growing ever more suicidal and out of fucks to give. But doing the rhyme scheme like I did above, that shit is hard, yo.
I was also at a place where I was worried about using the same words that I had already used before and then I decided to just let that go.
I’ll probably be jumping off the Eiffel fucking Tower reciting some last words you know. Eh. CR CR CRAZZZY out of fucks to give.
Words are the only thing left holding me together.
Oh, you thought that was just a line?
The only thing I’m staying alive for at this point is the Matrix 4. And maybe another hug from Gavin Rossdale cuz he’s like my fountain of youth. I sniffed his neck once, I’m so fucking weird!!!! I think I wanted a bite 😩
I’m sure he’d like that but not while he’s singing to thousands of people!
Then again, this is me. I could get away with murder just with my smile. 😊
I am 1000% insane crazy because I’m literally in love with dracul even tho he’s a fucking monster. Rip my fucking heart out. At least Mina got laid!!!!! She died by suicide, FYI!!!
SHE WAS REAL!!!! *laughs insanely*
Dracul is still very much feared in his land. I wanted to get married in Transylvania or there about.
Love isn’t real, is it? You never really loved me.
None of you were worth it You made me worthless Able to love less Daily a failed test Deserving a holed chest A bullet not a vest Time to give it a rest Suicide at its best
My best friend had the right idea putting a 357 Magnum gun to her head and blasting a bullet through her brain ending her precious litte life before age 14.
I don’t know why I stuck around this long lying to myself pretending things would get better. They have not.
My best friend’s mom later hung herself on a fucking rope at like age 46 and I’m not far from it.
Edgar Allan Poe couldn’t live without love either and died on the fucking street naked, unknown, poor, fucking broke, and heartbroke. I dare say he was depressed too and I’m officially diagnosing Edgar Allan Poe as depressed. People haven’t got much better. BEASTS in CARDIGAN. Some without a backbone or spine. That’s why they can easily replace you on a dime they’re empty and soulless.
Suicidal and out of fucks to give.
Too much gaslighting and narcissism in the world. No love or nurturing coming in.
The sheeple over run.
I WANT OUT. LET ME OUT
*free yer mind* *okie dokie* *if you die in the Matrix you die in the real world* *jumps from bridge*
He could know He could tear out the knot and tangles that we sew He could go He could block me eternally, still I glow Even when faint, to him, my light will show So I flow
Welp. Can’t get him to block my existence (yet). I can attack him under my pen, under my full name, under my social media accounts, under my email, on my blog, through poetry, he’s got the ultimate ghosting Poker Face, I’ve thrown jabs, gut-wrenching flaming bombs of blame, spat on his name (actually I don’t think I’ve done that, I actually wrote him a poem with his name as an acronym in the title and as a line in the poem, which was hard to do, because I’m madly in fucking love with him and was stupid enough to tell him on his goddamn fucking social media in private message like a fucking roaring lunatic).
It went like this. ‘Hi. I’m suicidal and might die. I wrote this for you. Just thought you should know in case I die’. I don’t think it went down very well. Do you reckon that’s how Edgar Allan Poe delivered his poems to the love of his life (who was his blood cousin but we can’t all be perfects). Welp.
Did I mention I’m not like other girls? I’m rather quirky, weird, and odd. I bite strangers on random; girls, boys, whenever the mood strikes, on a neck or wrist, with such delicate precision and precise pain, that all have been shocked by it, but always moved in a positive way, because it was a weirdly pleasurable experience for them. “You bit me”. “Ee, I kind of did, didn’t I? Oops sorry”. But, none of them have ever felt violated in any way and probably still recall on the experience (though I won’t know, because I don’t even know who they were/ are). I just do it at random. I haven’t really been biting people lately though. But the urges are there. I literally bite people’s girlfriends and boyfriends, but I do it in a non-sexual way, it’s hard to explain it. I do it as a greeting and then I disappear. Sometimes I stick around and chat for a minute or two because my presence will be requested. When I let people see my weirdness they’re impressed. Sometimes I use my brain to blow people’s minds in other ways. But very few are allowed around the real me. I can only say I have psychic abilities and ways to exchange energy and there are people out there who literally think I’m an actual angel who fell. I’ve done meditation sessions and I can know someone’s sign within 5 minutes of meeting them, it blows their mind, “but how” they beg to know”! I tell them I studied astrology intensely when I was 15 “but how” they’d ask! Well, with me mind. Third eye.
Men would have literally burned me at the stake or drowned me with stone tied around my ankle or some other heinous crime as a witch in the 1800s had I been around!
I’m a super sensitive creature and I don’t do well around a lot of people. Or maybe people at all. I like people I do. Sometimes. 👀
My skin and eyes are sensitive to light because I’m part vampyre.
And my skin is sensitive to certain metals because I have Lycan blood in me (I howl at the Moon and bite people on random beware).
Yes, people are scared of me. Boo.
I am a goth queen. I just look really fucking poor because I’m a proper Nosferatu. But I’m going to try to step up my Nosferatu image as soon as the Jeep is paid off and I can start buying black clothing again. I want to start a classy nude cosplay on my Patreon. Just had someone ask me to get on the OnlyFans (and I might reconsider it cuz I was on it for like 5 minutes but I wasn’t aware there was a fucking shadowban going on). I’ve also been tweeking my circle, and unfortunately my crazy ass has actually blocked patrons, so I’m literally kicking people out my life, because I’m suicidal and out-of-control apparently! Woo hoo rubber room y’all (I will escape. I escaped the facility in Alabama on more than one occassion and they had to change all their fucking rules because of me. I was 16 and on suicide watch half the time I was there but left the leader. I left the leader even though I escaped the building several fucking times and was on suicide watch. I AM SPECIAL. LIKE MY MIND IS STUPID POWERFUL YO.
I would just like to point out that I am not against sex work, I am against guys abusing the female population and I think sometimes my message might get lost in between my crazy ass behavior (I act out when I’m suicidal online because I feel very close to how Michael Hutchence did before he fucking tore up his body dying by suicide. Sometimes I want to take a razor blade and just go fucking crazy on myself so like I’m fucking unhinged right now, I know). THAT’S WHY I’M DISABLED. IT’S CALLED DEPRESSION. I WANT TO DIE. At least that’s what my thoughts keep telling me to do, which makes me cry about it, because it’s a really scary thing to think about and I don’t actually want to wind up like Michael Hutchence so I wind up attacking people online cuz I’m waiting for my knight to come save me I guess. It’s definitely not “in hospital care”, I don’t even know how they can call it fucking care, it’s fucking insanity. You go to the hospital, you say, “hi I’m thinking about killing myself and need some help” so they take your clothes from you and they take your phone from you, you can’t have anything that brings you pleasure, you can’t have any books, you can’t have any music, but you can have a Bible and big Pharma!!!!! I’m acting out. Sure. Because I don’t want to wind up like Chris Cornell, who was notifying his wife in the middle of his suicide act, via an app, which turned their bedroom lights on and off, and he did this after a sold-out show in a hotel room!!! I don’t want to wind up like my other heroes like Kurt Cobain or my best friend who died by suicide and every day it’s a battle to not fucking die!!!!
I’m not pretending to be depressed or suicidal. I’m a war veteran and I am being completely transparent about what I’m going through currently because I might die by this disease that I’ve essentially been battling my whole life but gets worse with every breath.
I don’t know what I would do if he blocked me back, I think I would actually fucking die. I’m a horrible person. I probably should die.
I don’t think I’m actually that horrible but some of my fucking actions are and make me really remorseful because I’m not a narcissist.
Every time I hurt him I just hurt me more.
But it’s a lesson I can’t learn because I keep hurting us.
I think maybe he should just fuck me. I think if I got laid half my problems would dissolve in an instance because I have like three years of writing this dude poetry and being insanely fucking madly in love with him and sometimes I’m a star collapsing under my own weight. Or he’s a black hole tugging me. Or I’m the black hole stealing his light. Or maybe we belong together.
Or maybe our love story is similar to that of dracul Vladimir Tepes. I’m trying not to dive off the tower like Mina did. Or, after he spends millenia looking for me, I have to end his misery only to be kept with my own (and still without him, tho the love won’t die). I fell in love with him, God won’t allow me not to love him, I was born loving him. This I know.
Edgar Allan Poe died without his love too. 😭
As soon as Johnny Cash lost his wife, he lost his battle to cancer. He gave up the good fight. 😭
I don’t want to live without him but I keep pushing him away! 😭
*sobs uncontrollably*
*the chances of dying in the street increased*
So on some days I’m ready to retire and on other days I’m ready to open up my nude Patreon tier. On some days, I want to die and on other days I’m living life.
Stay tuned. I’m bound to fall again. And again.
Some secrets I’m never telling. Be careful what the devil is selling.
His support he gave but not without conditions The money he waved it had omissions Like stating you are single when you are really married Like saying you are free with a green card that you carried
His hand was there but always tied with the devil And every moment there my soul could barely revel Yet obey that I would while he grasped onto my cross And for awhile he was helping but made it harder than I thought
Welp. How many more will knock on my door, just for me to close it????? I do get lots of hypothetical knocks on my door but it’s usually the devil knocking.
Or, I’m so completely broken and paranoid that I’m actually seeing people like demons now. Here a demon, there a demon, there are many more!
And I would make the church my home but I literally see the preachers as demons now too! It could be all the money they keep grasping for. I just want to jump up and yell “STOP TAXING THE POOR!” but state was removed from religion. Religion is its own entity governed by a different set of rules. That’s why the church’s didn’t have to follow any of the mandatory mask-wearing (or was that just Florida cuz nobody was social distancing either)? But yeah, churches don’t pay taxes, y’all know that right??? They pay zero taxes!!!! Now how many of these priests do you think are actually religious or “godly”- (because it often comes out that they’re cheating or pedophiles).
All they care about is money. It’s all show. Complete fams involved now. They all asking for your money!! So they can build more, bigger things!!!! Tax free!!!!! Give them your money!!!! Hurry!!!! Not just every Sunday but Wednesday too!!! Go ahead and text them a donation right now!!!! God is blessing you!!!! You are the chosen one!!! Repent sinners!!! Pay!!!!!! (I can’t believe people still believe in these fairy tales but I’m absolutely a believer in Jesus Christ, I know he existed, his message has been smeared by the narcissist running the world (NWO / Illuminati) and I am religious so don’t even come at me).
“You people who only believe with your miracles and wonders but what of those who believe without?” (something Jesus Christ said but you probably won’t remember because you need the miracles and wonders to believe). I don’t. I won’t. Never have. Never will. My road has been different than yours. I don’t need to idolize statues!!! But give them your money so they can build them big and grand for God!!
Jesus said, “pick up a rock and I am there”. “Any two people having a conversation in my name is having church”.
I’m talking, you’re listening = church holy holy
I started out 2020 going to church heavily until that one day they started speaking in tongue and touching me all over my body and that shit is on Instagram. I’m like, ‘maybe I could establish a connection with God speaking in tongue if people would stop touching my back and head’. So as a paranoid Soldier, yeah I don’t like doing church anymore. It was literally the one place I felt safe to cry in public and that was taken from me. 2020 is an asshole.
I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO GIVE YOU! STOP ASKING FOR IT WHEN I COME!!! GOD DOESN’T NEED MONEY OR STATUES!!! YOU NEED GRAND GESTURES SO YOU CAN PRETEND YOU ARE A DECENT HUMAN BEING TWICE A WEEK BY GIVING MONEY TO HELP THE POOR AND YOU HELP THE POOR BY BUILDING MORE CHURCHES FOR THE WEALTHY!!!!!! GOD IS GREAT!!!
Playing the angel 24/7. That tattoo on my chest means “faithfulness”. Faith is also my middle name. It’s more than a creed. A lifestyle. Angels are warriors and my friends, I am every bit a Soldier. =)
And then there’s that last relationship that I got into where the guy was proposing to me and posting his vows for me all over his social media to his fanbase yet no one told me he was fucking married (but that didn’t stop the love-bombing) and he would want me to go get my ring size but then later on he would literally yell at me for hours if I brought up anything about us actually getting married or engaged- because that’s what narcissists and lying assholes do. He couldn’t get married, he was still married, he never told me this when we got together or started a relationship, in fact, he told me he was single the entire time (but was in fact married and in another long-term relationship with another broken soul that he was looking to replace after all the fuel was spent). I became the next victim unfortunately.
They gaslight your reality. They systemically break you down. Like chess pieces. They love-bomb you (even in friendships or famalies) and then they’re cold to you when you’re not giving them the treatment that they think they want or deserve (even though their behavior is toxic as fuck). Yeah, let’s hang! From hot to cold! Yeeeee!!!! But then when I need them to be like empathetic about a situation, I’d have better luck not breathing. Either way, they always have a way to make you feel responsible for something you haven’t done.
You when you’re filling out paperwork and you have to check either the ‘single, married, or divorced box’- the single box now has “never married” (inparentheses) because these narcissist gaslight everything they do, literally.
The married ones will want to check the single box because they feel like they’re no longer in the marriage, (it’s just a piece of paper, they don’t care about the life that they are using or destroyed, they are already looking for a replacement and they’re not even divorced yet, or still married for that green card and that is loads of married baggage), and the divorced ones will want to check the single box even though they’re now divorced (because images; a narcissist wants to maintain his charming exterior).
But the single box is for people who never married, like me! I used to hate that dang single box but now that they added the “never-married” part to it, I really fucking enjoy it! I pride myself on being single and actually meaning the word! HONESTY! A RARE THING!!
Because you rarely hear people being honest these days about what their relationship status really is. You’ll learn later on, when they drop pertinent information in a very casual way. Like when they say something really shitty to you, followed by “it was just a joke” (like when you ask how you look and they respond “pregnant” as if being pregnant is un-beautiful- but it was a very low-key demeaning way to emotionally abuse you about your added weight gain). And if you ever get angry about something a narcissist does to you, they will trump your fucking anger, so much so, that you will doubt why you were even angry at all (classic narcissism gas-lighting 101, it must be exhausting being a narcissist, that’s why they’re so fucking cold and empty). Or, how you ask them a direct question, but they always tap dance around the answer you’ll never get. They put words in your mouth. You always feel aloof and confused. You’re dealing with a narC. You will never win. But you will lose your self-confidence and overall mind. Until you kill another or yourself or barely escape alive. And that’s what they want. To kill you alive. Because killing you for real dead is messier and might require jail time. It’s legal to manipulate someone and steal their finances and fucking soul. (Mine gets free rent in America unless he finally secured his green card, which he’d been looking for the perfect victim so he could still be basically a piece of shit and cheat all the time and lie). They never out grow the cumming addiction. They want it from as many online victims they can get, and in the real world). We’re sex objects no more. They have no remorse. Fake crocodile tears!!! Run!!
SINGLE (NEVER MARRIED). That’s me!!!
Basically, my cherry has not been popped (because let’s face it, losing your actual virginity is so outdated). This is the new cherry popping as I’ve just deemed it!!!
Marriage has nothing to do with luck! Catch me if you can! Be a better man? I ain’t ever getting married! And since I’m not tied down to a relationship or mortgage, I can move wherever I want, including out of America. I’m not a criminal but some sort of war hero many say and I will still maintain my VA benefits if I move country because I worked hard at my fucking career and deserve every fucking piece of mind I get! And every penny! I sacrificed MY LIFE!!! I’M BROKEN!!!! DISABLED!!!! CALL ME FUCKING LAZY AGAIN. I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!!!! And I’ll show you the butt of my rifle because the Army taught me how to use both ends!!!
And I got to wear lots of hats because I was great at wearing every hat they threw me. That’s why I have all sorts of awards, and medals, and certifications, and degrees. Recognition. It’s just a piece of paper like that marriage certificate you don’t give a fuck about. So why would I think you give a fuck about all my training or education or experience? You can’t even be factual on a government form about your fucking relationship status (let alone trying to start out friendships or potential romanceships), all based on lies (or mis-information or information withheld, which is the same as lying, it is manipulative and deceitful!
When will lying be held as a crime??? Utopian future?? It’s got to be better than this lying hell I’m trapped in!!! Honest peeps where ye at????
And these narcissist will do anything they can to maintain their secret lifestyle, so the gaslighting can go on for years in a relationship, which often does (as well as all the cheating; married guys are doing it more than you know and it’s so easy to get away with it these days with travel and internet). The divorce rate is high in America. So is rape. Porn is given to children by age 10 by fathers in fear of them turning gay!!!!! They get them hookers as a teen!! The Me Too movement is insane but real! I’ve never met one woman who hasn’t been raped or abused by a man, and often by more than one man! Guys are super connected to porn but they don’t know how to harness positive sexual energy!
Pedophilia exists and is in our homes and churches. It’s abundant and so is porn. I’m speaking out against the atrocities in the world and I no longer give a fuck if you like me.
Jesus said, “if the world hates you, remember that it hated me first”. And I know it hates me because I tell it of its atrocities.
Friendships and relationships are only hard because the foundations they are built on are started off with lies. The walls surrounding your home were built on lies. Your roof is a lie. Your life is a lie. You have no honor. No integrity. You will not die with such.
That’s not real forgiveness either, if acquired. You’re not really free or dying forgiven.
Lies are DESTRUCTIVE.
Gaslighting comes with emotional and physical abuse. Damages that often require intense therapy after, which there’s no guarantee you will ever recover from (and you likely have more than one narcissist in your life using these tools of manipulation to control you (they look like moms and dads and sisters and lovers). Stay woke.
When people learn to be honest with me I guess I’ll have more friends (and support)? Laughs maniacally.
*dies naked, drunk, unknown, poor, and possibly poisoned in the street, like my daddy Edgar Allan Poe*
I just no longer want to build any relationships to aquire support because I will lose it in one form or fashion (and I’m sure these narcissist are behind-the-scenes blaming me which is a fucking smear campaign).
Did I mention I’m depressed and suicidal???
*laughs maniacally in the street*
*dances with the devil*
*goes back to heaven home alone*
*hears knocking*
*wishes she was in a land without any devils*
*knock knock knock*
*sobs uncontrollably*
*begs for help*
*hears asteroid Apophis deep rumble and reply, “On my way”*
*sobs uncontrollably*
Did I mention I’m suicidal but also scared to die?????
*hears Apophis grumble, “too late”*
“I’m dying. I just want you all to know you’re dying too”.
This goes without saying, but if you read my poetry or support my writing in any way, I am really grateful! Thank you!
But for the love of God, please stop lying every second with every breath, I’m exhausted!!!!
Y’all evil exists. A lot of these monsters are super charming but the suicide rate continues to increase worldwide for a reason and it’s cuz y’all lying!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HONOR? YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST MAKE UP A RELIGION AND TAKE ON MULTIPLE WIVES? STOP HURTING THE FEMALE POPULATION. I’D RATHER IDENTIFY AS MALE AND LOOK LIKE A MALE THAN CONTINUE TO BE RAPED, ABUSED, EMOTIONALLY TORTURED AND ABUSED!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!
BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE! IT STARTS WITH YOU!
I’D RATHER CHECK OUT VIA SUICIDE THAN CONTINUE THIS FUCKING BIG LYING CHARADE FUCK FEST!!!!!
In my dreams, wide awake, his kisses cause rainbows to form For his existence helps lessen the storm And every word is shaped by his form And in these poems are how I’m born
He’s the prompt for starlight Or how eyes have sight He’s the moon at midnight And for every word I write
Our equation reads: I love you times infinity (squared). Can you put that into a formula for us?
I have cursed freckles yes all over this pale ass flawed and scarred skin. It’s just a cover for my broken soul AKA the spirit AKA energy and energy cannot ever die, it can only transfer from one thing to another according to Einstein’s general relativity or whatever theory???No filter. Ugg I have the hazel eyes so they change on their own based on my mood and what colors I’m wearing. I never wear contacts ugg fuck plastic – it literally makes women lethargic. It’s so toxic ugggg but whatever okay. Perfection still doesn’t exist. I don’t want sensory deprivation and that’s exactly what plastic, TV, and porn does. Bah. Go back to sleep.
Instagram will never use the term “shadowban” but that’s exactly what it is. So if you’ve been searching my hashtag, you’re not going to find me in the results.
GHOSTED BY BIG BRO, YO (but you were too). BAHHHH BAH SHEEPLE *I WANT OUT / LET ME OUT* (Neo heard my actual cries because The Matrix 4 IS BEING MADE)
Same goes for you. And you. And you…
We’ve all been ghosted.
I’m just giving you a heads-up that we’ve all been shadowbanned, so if you’re out there using hashtags on your social media sites, they’re not even working.
I don’t know how long the shadowban is going to go on but I imagine it’s going to go on for until after the election results come in and probably for even days after.
But like using a hashtag in a story that last 24 hours, useless.
And expecting people to find your work under your hashtag, also uselesss until the Illuminati allow us to not be fucking shadowbanned anymore.
After which hopefully hashtags show up in the search again.
Facebook and Instagram are the same entities and owned by the same company (so I don’t understand people who go, ‘I’m getting off Facebook’ but then stay or get on Instagram). *facepalm*
THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME BASICALLY. BIG BRO OWNS INSTA TOO.
Hey Mark Zuckerberg what’s up??? I am so ready for that new virtual reality stuffs! I got you with the notifications on. But, I never got the shadowban memo. I was just writing a poem about how the love of my life has shadowbanned me and then I wondered if I had actually been shadowbanned and saw the notification in the search results that you had in fact, shadowbanned me. *le sigh* Can I catch a break???
The key information to take from all of this is, if you’re trying to search for your favorite artist via hashtags- recent stuff will not come up in the search results- as well as to know- that the flow of information is being controlled on the internet. Stay woke!
I haven’t been on Twitter in days but I imagine the same shit is happening over there too. Twitter is not owned by FaceBook/Instagram but most of these companies support the Illuminati. *ahem cough*
I’m a nice bitch so I just thought you should know because it’s a lot of work sometimes using hashtags for them to not even work properly. MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS FOR REAL. OMFG.
If you’re out there wondering why you’re getting lack of likes, or follows, or attention in general, this shadowban could be why.
You’re welcomes. Knowledge is power! Spread the words! I did goods detectives werks! xxoo @poeeternal 👍
Edit: more info about the shadowban from from the horse’s mouth
YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. Shadowban is a term we coined for when a business or company ghosts you (prevents your comments, likes, or hashtags from showing up in results). In this case, newer post that are being hashtagged will not show up on Instagram or Facebook according to Instagram and Facebook! I have a business Instagram account so maybe my search results show different information than yours but the information I’m putting out is factual and screenshots from the horse’s mouth.
So, my kid has fallen on hard times. But because they are gay, finding help is harder. The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and my financial problems have probably tilted over into another generation but we’re all in this boat together and some of us are seriously struggling.
Missouri is high crime and I don’t want my kid to wind up dead so if anybody could help it would be fantastic. It’s harder to find help because they are gay and Salvation Army is against LGBT.
Because I myself am in a financial apocalypse, I can’t even donate to it currently and it would help ease my mind if somebody out there could pay it forward. I don’t want to be visiting my kid in the cemetery. I’m just about done with 2020 to be honest.
Look, they found themselves without an apartment and there’s moving expenses, first and last month’s deposits, application fees, supplies and rentals for hauling their things.
They are sleeping in their car in a high crime rate city.In the cold.
They are working. But they live paycheck to paycheck like the majority of the poor.
So I’m reaching out and asking for help. Please help them if you can. Everyone deserves a safe place to live. They didn’t have that and now they’re on the street.
Everyone needs a hand from time to time. There’s no shame in asking for help. What is shameful is hearing the cries of others and ignoring it. That happens all too often, I know. Because I myself became homeless for the first time in my life in 2017 and it wasn’t because I was lazy.
Izzy aged 9 months who now goes by Tristan. I gave births to this. It grew inside me. It fed from the milk in my breast for a year. Life is weird.
I am a mother, this is my ONLY child. Have mercy. 🙏
Self (left), Tristan (right,my kid). Peeps say we look like sisters LOL. THAT’S YER MOM they say!!!! Yups. Then I gets called olds. It’s a vicious cycle out there . I prefer being called a cub still, not a cougar. 😂Being a mom is a big part of who I am. I take on the “mom” role for anyone younger and any chance I get. That’s me (left) and my kid (right). The person I made a baby with is gone. He left this Earth already. Died a few years ago. This is him. I was 17 and pregnant with our baby. I rarely talk about him and this is a first time sharing this photo (of a photo). We considered this our first “family photo” because I was a very 6 months pregnant here. 🙂 I know people have babies all the time but it really does hurt. 🙂
We all 3 got 1 more photo together before he died of cancer. This is our last photo together. We were born into a broken home and made our home broken as well. I never married him though he asked (with hand and ring). I left him when my child was just a few months old. I remained a single parent until his death. Now single parent forever more.
Last photo all together, Tristan (left), Scott (middle), self (right). Taken June 2016 at the hospice in Nashville, Tennessee before he passed away of cancer. It was a hard fight. We stayed awake and for him until his very last breath. He fought some 3 very long days. I know this is hard to look at, the cancer had eaten him away. Not a moment after he passed the light flickered beside him, the first time since we’d been there, and his face fell soft and smiling like in peace. I hope he finally found it. You can’t convince me that life ends after death. I wasn’t the only one who saw the light flicker or felt the room get cold. You can’t take away my faith. It’s my middle name after all and more than a motto or tattoo on my chest… I’ve also lived in fox holes in the middle of a war in Iraq and that will teach you a thing or two about faith as well. But can someone help get my kid off the street because I can’t?? Self and my baby aged 9 months old (happily breastfed). Me age 18 and in a pair of Doc Martens. Some things never change. Photo by Scott (RIP).
I don’t have anything to do with the campaign, I didn’t create the campaign, this is their campaign. Just an FYI. When I get my next check, I’m going to be making a small donation from my tiny paycheck, that all goes to bills, and it won’t be very much to help out. So any help or shares will greatly ease my mind as a parent. To know that my kid is no longer sleeping in their car, in one of the most highest crime rated cities ever, and I can’t even help to get them off the fucking street. And it’s getting COLD there.
To whoever sees this out there and helps them, thank you. From one parent or human to another…
Thanks for listening! Please share this link – however you want- someone may heed the call! My kid is 23 and sleeping in the car! Helps!!!! Please!!! 🙏🙏🙏 https://gf.me/u/y4mgzk
Red fire sunTrapped in forest of longing Watch the sunrise come
Don’t forget to show this post some love if you enjoyed it, that way I know. Hit the like button or drop me a comment! 😄
Pale and withdrawn Thank you for all your support here, there, everywhere! That’s all for now. Thanks for visiting my blog!
The only thing missing was some fake blood and my custom fitted vampire fangs… 👍
P.S. I’ve been painting my lips red since I was 13. I never outline my lips. Tomboyish mostly and prefer a natural, blushy tone. I also don’t want botox or lip enhancers to kill my lines. I’ve died a million times. It’s written in these rhymes.
Lurking underworld with resting bitch face front-and-center… HOOAH
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You tied the noose then left me hanging You pledged for days then changed your aiming You point your finger loudly blaming You have no proof for what you’re claiming
Your youth is gone, you’re well past ageing Your actions don’t match words you’re painting And every step you’re proudly feigning I don’t believe a word you’re saying
To be honest, I think rhyming gets me off. I get euphoric after I’ve pieced together a decent story. Sure, writing is hard. Rhyming is harder. But you wouldn’t see it that way if you saw me in a dizzy spell writing, sometimes pieces come together so quickly. Or the fact that I live and breathe rhyme 24/7. I think I might have an addiction, albeit, is it a healthy one? I literally write anywhere, and while doing everything. Sometimes I force myself to stop writing and other times I think I’ll never be able to write anything ever again. But alas, I’m still rhyming *sigh* and have been since the age of 12. I fell in love with poetry in the 3rd grade though, when I read an Emily Dickinson poem (I talk a bit about that in my thank you video on my Patreon for my patrons who join, so the video is still there if you are my patron and overlooked watching it. It’s been there since the beginning of my campaign). Anyhoo, sometimes I think I don’t have a drop of rhyme left in me. And then it is flowing out. In heaps. Like lava. And often with tears. My rhyme contains my soul. I lived in a very abusive environment as a child and writing became my escape. Writing was my coping mechanism. And still is of today.
My attempt at “But is it art” below… (but is it art was a saying me and my best friend used to say all the time when we’d fuck shit up. Like once, we redid a chair by putting our handprints in paint all over it graffiti style and writing “but is it art!?!). She died by suicide and I’ve never been the same. But all my attempts at art end with, BUT IS IT ART!?!
I nearly didn’t share this for a number of reasons. But here’s the thing, I don’t want fake boobs. I like feeling things. Might account a tad bit for my poetry. But for real, I’ve had many guys complain that my boobs weren’t fake. Had a guy break up with me in my 20s over it. And I have been peer pressured by society and men to get plastic surgery that I don’t want. I also breast fed an entire year, I have natural curves. And I don’t want to replace my sex organ with plastic for many reasons. I could have made my nipples harder I suppose, so hence ‘soft nudity’. I wasn’t trying to be vulgar or even sexual. Just existing in a hot bath and trying to capture my soft curves. Attempting to be artsy. Instead, I worry now my boobs aren’t sitting in their best, upright position. They don’t meet societies standards of perfection. I’m tired of feeling things though so maybe I should start getting plastic surgery and fake nails and fake hair and fake lips and fake eyelashes and fake tans… throw a fake personality in there too. ((Also if you’re one of the guys who’s ever put my body down… fuck you))! For real tho… desensitized nation 101. I’m not a model. I’m not a porn barbie. I’m a warrior poet, dig? Just trying to find myself and keep 100% authentic & real. I feel like I’m heading towards a dire ending like Edgar Allan Poe though. Cursed. It’s in our blood… I hope someone enjoys my little attempt at art in isolation. If you don’t like my body or my art, join the long line of boys who also don’t. I can’t be bothered with shallow waters any longer. Evolving into a better me slowly as my body is dying. Keeping my mind in a nurturing environment. SELF-LOVE.
The same vid as above but with different effects. But is it art? I never knew how hard wet hair can be to manage when it’s this long and wet and also heavy… (no filter). I really wish I could upgrade and get some decent camera equipment and lighting. Someone join my Patreon or make a donation please lol I need new editing software too!!! It’s my birthday this month!!! 😍That’s all for now. Can’t do much in quarantine. Trying not to catch the plague. Trying not to die by depression. Missing gig life to the full. No birthday gig this year!!! 😭😭😭
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I like teasing the senses. The art of sensuality. LSD; love, sensuality, devotion. My creed.
I like teasing the senses. The art of sensuality. LSD; love, sensuality, devotion. My creed.
Below are some videos and photography of waterplay (no not that hardcore, desensitized porn stuff). Just a gal in a bath tub capturing the movement of shadows in candlelight, hair in water & the softness of me (despite my iron thick walls). There is slight nudity in some of the videos (do not watch if mild nudity offends). Angels are warriors but there is some softness remaining under my iron armor and Kama Sutra is an interest and focus in my life. I’m interested in soft spots and openings in hearts, minds, and bodies. Hardcore desensitizes not only your senses but your mind (plastic too). Sensuality brings enlightenment. I am the darkness, show me the light. I am the fire, give me air. The 4 elements of life. Breathe devotion and love into me. Don’t come into my life to show me roughness. I’m interested in softness. Show me your soft spots. Touch the places in me few ever go…
Waterplay (not that hardcore stuff)Playing with my softnessWater + long hair Bath playtime zenBlack n’ white ❤zenI love waterplaying around with film and editing ❤❤Petite & 100% all natural I do like cherries 🙂hi
I don’t want hardcore. I know hardcore. I survived a war with guns and fighting and people dying (I served 15 hard years in the Army). I want something more. Peace. Tranquility. Sensuality. Love. Poetry. The sound of your voice in my ear. Your footsteps are the beats of my heart. Let me listen. Quiet the things that make you spiral out of control. Focus on LSD; love, sensuality, devotion. ❤
P.S. scroll to the very bottom of this post for bonus footage! ❤
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Maybe my heart is a diaphanous veil And love is translucent but now growing stale Maybe his kiss is the all holy grail But if I am seen it is too hard to tell
Maybe I’ll always crumble and fail Maybe I’ll always be hung by his nail Maybe the truth is just written in braille Or maybe I died and so living in hell
Did you know that Edgar Allan Poe is my favorite poet and that poetry is my first love. I’ve been writing since I was a little girl. A living, breathing rhyme. You can support my love of writing by joining my campaign
If you dig my writing, you can support this blog by subscribing to my Patreon here (please & thank you): https://www.patreon.com/poeeternal
I love the wonderful feedback about my poetry, that’s why I’m now on Patreon which is an excellent platform for writers and artist. Can you help me reach my goal? www.patreon.com/poeeternal
PoeEternal 