I mean, the world is falling apart, but I still love you.
It’s ridic. Right? 🤔
God created this obsession FYI
And I actually know what a black hole feels like
I actually know what Sagittarius A* feels like
It’s possible that sometimes I am Sagittarius A*
When other girls are talking to you
👀
But like I love this dude and the love has manifested to be real because he bought me pizza 👀
😑
Uhm, so I haven’t lost all my ass or leg progress yet but I feel nowhere near like I’m ready to start fitness again and it’s really scary to be having these kind of heart problems at my age over a fucking vaccination.
If you’re still supporting me even though I am dying and venting on the daily, thank you.
I get called lazy for serving my country and I get called lazy for having an OnlyFans.
Jesus Christ left Mary Magdalene in charge of the gospel and they wiped her from the books and labeled her a whore.
Just like me!!!
They create poor conditions for you to live in and then condemn you for trying to survive.
They fucking condemn you if you try to die by suicide as well.
“No no no you’re not allowed to die like that, it’s a sin”!
Apparently it’s a sin if you lust after somebody else even though that is actually biology
And “a sin” if you try to die because you don’t want to live in this bullshit life
The only thing that is not a sin is giving them money
Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of your money
My new TikTok is getting some views! It got a few likes too! I was just messing around trying to learn some new tricks (that everyone else makes it look so easy) cuz I wanna make some more! I wasn’t expecting it to get past 50 views or even any likes. But it has! Cool, thanks for watching!
Was just having a bath thinking how water must be similar to a black hole and vice versa – The Fibonacci sequence – galaxies – how storm clouds on Earth are the same as a gas giant like Jupiter- it’s the same patterns and makeup. Snails. Biology. Poem. 🤓
It’s hard for me to even understand the concept of a black hole but I’m trying to with water.
It drains
👀
So do galaxies.
Where does all that gas stuff go?
The multiverse?
Because I’m believing more and more in a multi-verse than a big bang.
I’ve only just now understood that Jupiter is two times farther away from us than the sun, which is why it looks so tiny.
I thought Jupiter was just smaller but I knew it was far away I just didn’t realize it was that far away
👀
So what they gonna do when they reach another galaxy?
Give them a bible and start the same routine? Burning people at the stake for not believing?
Fear, it’s molecular now innit.
😑
They called Mary Magdalene a whore too and tried to erase her from the books, sound familiar?
I’m so isolated and shut off from the world that the maintenance dude said he was worried about me when I didn’t answer the door 👀
I actually thanked him because there’s no one checking in on me 👀
Just because I write doesn’t mean I small talk or gossip
I am not a socialite
I am a Soldier (not a civilian)
I am an introvert
I don’t like the state of anything in the world
I’m unhinged
I can’t even go buy an egg sandwich or a Coke in the can at the goddamn gas station without getting into fucking World War III because everybody wants to make $20 an an hour with a three dollar attitude and terrible work ethic
I was making over $25 an hour for nearly 8 years with the DOD but I sank with the financial fucking recession and the government hiring freezes and the government furloughs but you don’t give a fuck about that do you?
You don’t give a fuck that I had to eat up my life savings and my retirement savings just to get through this fucking pandemic!
You don’t give a fuck about that do you? Cause I didn’t buy your fucking book or I don’t act like your best fucking friend!
There are many books and CDs I would actually like to buy I just can’t at the moment because I live paycheck to paycheck and every fucking dollar goes to paying my main cost of living which I’m barely doing – I’m living under my means, but you don’t give a fuck about that do you cause I’m not tit for tat!
Fake fake fake!!!!!!!
I’m not dying on the street!!!
(My therapist is calling me today finally – they’ve been trying to reach me for a long time) 👀
I get to let my doctor know that I stopped disassociating for 5 minutes to check the news, and now I’m more disengaged and paranoid. 👀
I get to let him know that I almost had World War III with the gas station clerk. 👀
There’s something seriously wrong with the world 👀
Feel free to blame me – as long as I get to stay away
Put me back in my foxhole!!!! 👀
Give me my M16A2 rifle! 👀
I am still a Soldier! 👀
*Realizes she’s stuck on the Titanic because all the rich people have locked her on the bottom of the Titanic and now they’re hanging out on boats that could’ve had more people watching me sink*
👀
The reason I don’t check in on people is because I don’t have the social abilities to communicate currently. 👀
And the rare few people that I do decide to check in on, 98% of them give me a fucking attitude in return.
Because narcissism
👀
And I refuse to be manipulated or controlled by you and you’re fucking everywhere aren’t you
👀
I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t so I just want to be alone 👀
And I don’t wanna get to know you because you just want to ask for me for free nudes
👀
Or my hand in marriage 👀
I’m not interested in you 👀
I’m wholly obsessed with 2 dudes and I have never once talked to my therapist about that sort of behavior 👀
They don’t want anything to do with me 👀
But I’m like Bush how he was with Congress when they passed shit into law and Bush said I don’t care and then he did all those “signing statements” because voting means absolutely fucking nothing and you and I no longer have rights because we’ve moved into a fucking Hitler state hello hello hello
So I just sent the OnlyFans team a request on how to get a new free verified account started – I was dead serious about starting one – I’m not going anywhere (even though I can barely do shit at the moment, I do intend a full recovery from this COVID vaccine nightmare) –
I hope you are excited as me about the free account!
It will be FREE but you will have to subscribe to access the lewd (NOT NUDE) content.
This way I no longer get in trouble from Big Bro for not doing anything wrong at all – and maybe I can go back to having an actual personality where I don’t fear everything I post or say or hashtag. 💪
Nor, the erroneous reporting out of spite and jealousy. 🚫
I like having a private club and people want to see more of me and I’ve had several request on several different social sites and now I’ll have a place to direct them to see more (but if they want to see it all, it will require a subscription)! 🙃
Anyway, I’m really excited about starting the process for my new FREE OnlyFans!
I hope you are excited too! 🙌
I have heard your cries!
So I am expanding my doors!
I love you! 💕
As a reminder – I love doing cosplay and role play! I’m gonna keep at this! It’s what I wanted to do since I was a little girl – and I feel really excited about expanding my business, opening my doors (privately) and in a place where I can be as tacky as a fucking want even though I’m actually more classy than I am tacky but whatever
I do specialize in softcore but there’s an art to it and it’s more commonly known as like Kama Sutra or vampirism. 👀
It’s more about sensation and less about desensitizing.
🙌
Le vampyre and 1984 is now so it’s time to expand my doors because you’ve asked for more – and I don’t actually like publicly sharing more.
Again, lewds not nudes! You’ll have to be a big boy and pay if you wanna see it all.
But, I can go back to being my kinky seductive flirty vampire self oh my fucking God! I’m super fucking excited and I hope you will consider joining my free OnlyFans!
You asked, I complied! 🤪
Your wish is my command! 🤓
I’m still working on redoing my home studio and master bedroom. I don’t have shit hung anywhere. It looks like I’ve already died and the vultures have been here! 👀
Spring cleaning + reorganizing + downsizing = nightmare 🤪
Especially when you have no design skills at all and everything you currently have is a mix-mash of wtfisgoingon 😩
And then add some sort of glitch that makes it hard for you to let anything go even though you don’t even fucking want it
🤪
I don’t know why I’m holding onto all this shit and it’s gonna come out into a poem at some point 😷
Doc ordered more tests for me today and DOES NOT want me doing ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY – she said light walking only until she has more answers. I’m not allowed to rebound. 😩
She looked into the signs and symptoms and said what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID.
But I asked her could a heart heal itself like a bone and she said yes! A heart can heal itself!
So good!
Cuz my body has healed from many broken bones and I’ve been doing the heating pad and positive self-encouragement even though tears have been streaming down my face.
She told me to keep doing the heating pad!
But no physical activity and more test have been ordered.
And she made it clear that what is happening to me IS COVID related.
Worth repeating.
My doctor has no hidden agenda.
Nor do I.
I’m gonna keep writing and working on my photography and cosplay but energy levels are near dead.
She did say these symptoms can last for weeks after and reminded me I’m about 3 weeks in (she said six weeks or more).
She also brought up the fact that these vaccines are incredibly new and there isn’t a lot of data to go by.
I told her she needed a pay raise and an award and a medal and that she’s doing a good job and she is saving my life.
She’s one of them good doctors!
She goes above and beyond!
I ain’t getting no booster shots!
My vaccination record better be enough to travel!
If it’s Boeing, I ain’t going!
(The test my doc ordered checks for clots in the lungs – been breathing okay – but she wants to make sure. Although there has been a few times I’ve struggled to take a breath).
Covid related all this.
To the guy who misses me – I miss you too. You’re my incentive to get better.
I think you may be the reason I’m still alive.
I’m bonded to you.
👀
I don’t even know how I could’ve gotten through all the pain I was going through and have been going through – without you.
Do you like me underneath the filter? Or when my self-esteem is low, that I’m breaking every mirror? Is my age something you consider? Do you know it makes me bitter?
Do you know I am a sinner? Or my life is growing thinner? How I’m like an over-thinker? And you got me by the finger?
My time is almost up but I found one more way to say I love you 💕
Our home is a starship. The kind like Elon Musk has built, the reusable landing kind.
Not the NASA death tomb.
The kind of starship that fuels your dreams.
And we need to name it.
(One of the tiny rooms contains all your poetry and I fall asleep on the floor for never wanting to leave).
(Sometimes you tell me bedtime stories)
(Sometimes you pick me off the floor and hold me)
(I like starship the best because it contains you)
((I didn’t know Elon musk had named his starship until I went to look and then I was like of course he did, of course he named it starship))
I was just thinking about how you drop in, not by cloud, not by comet, by starship!
And like a boat you built by hand, but a starship.
And then I saw the article where Elon musk actually named his rocket starship.
Of course he fucking did
So the fantasy I was laying here having actually is a reality for somebody else
lmao
But poem 😏
I love when you drop in.
I love you.
And I’m sending all my love to you lightning speed through a starship.
Babe, now we got a space shuttle!
I like it, I like it a lot.
We need to break it in. 👀
*goes back to dreaming*
(Have always wanted to do it in zero gravity)
Thank you for getting me items off my Amazon wishlist. I’m happy to have a cute little schoolgirl outfit to go with my pigtails and things. It’s Adome lingerie and I like their clothing line on Amazon.
I wish I had a real way to thank you.
(I know it’s all fun and games but it makes my heart happy)
I can see part of his face Haunting me through time I want to memorize his shape Like a spiral on a spine And the colors of his flesh The canvas of divine Takes the pain beneath the breast Gives me hope to align
*The below contains unpopular opinion and language* 🤓
Is it true that trademarks are only recognized in some countries now?
It’s a bold statement to make, it’s just I saw something pop up on a video game about trademarks being recognized in some countries only – or at least, that’s how I perceived it. I seem to read between the lines (or gaslighting).
So the FDA has banned menthol but I could turn myself into a lizard if I want? 🤔
So, I can get a full body lizard tattoo and split my tongue, and get a full sex change operation, I can identify as a carrot BUT it’s illegal to smoke a menthol cigarette? 🤔
Somebody help me the fuck out
I can sew up my pp and chop off my boobs but I can’t smoke a menthol? 🤔
Wait, what.
We can still feed sugar crack to 3 year olds but I can’t smoke a fucking menthol? 🤔
So I can give this god damn sugar crack to recommended age 3+, but I can legally no longer buy a pack of menthol? 🤔
It’s fucking cancer + crack and recommended right there on the package for age 3+
But menthol is fucking banned.
Uhm, okay who is running the fucking country?
Y’all have lost y’all damn mind
I don’t even smoke anymore but on the rare occasion that I do, it’s a fucking menthol.
I just don’t understand the world anymore and I can’t blame it on my brain injury any longer.
I haven’t been voting for any of this shit!
I don’t want my tax money going to NASA!!!!!
In other news, if I die, I’m still gonna be taking my last breath dreaming about you.
Because I like how you lean on my lips and touch my cheeks with your fingertips.
I like the little ways you go above and beyond to show me you care.
I like living off your breath because it’s the nectar of life.
Your kiss.
And all I want before I die.
My cat mask arrived after a bit of a challenge to get it! I’ve had a lot of request to bring back the cat cosplay but I wanted to upgrade to a better mask! I haz done! Hope you like! It’s a spectacular mask!
Getting to do cosplay is my passion and I’m always listening to what you like and I’m always behind the scenes trying to get better, to enhance my makeup skills, my costumes, my wardrobe, my camera skills. All the things.
I love drama and the arts, cosplay is improv time for me!
My workout routine has been halted, but not my diet. 🤢
I’m not quitting my photography, writing, or cosplay.
Though moving now at a snails pace.
I got it from Amazon Prime – a favorite place to shop no doubt. Been shopping there for years. Even bought my Epiphone guitar kit from there. Came with everything, still working good. 🤓
“You deserve somebody who knows why you are rare” Mark Anthony
Now I’m almost dead and obsolete so it doesn’t matter
👀
(To the guy out there who got me something off my Amazon wishlist even tho I’m dying, thank you for loving me before I died)
(I don’t even know your name but it’s possible you have my whole, broken heart)
(You probably deserve a better heart than mine)
👀
(I wish I had a way to thank you for stuffing me full of pizza and surprise)
A real way to thank you
Even with half my supporters already gone, you make me feel less alone. 👫
Whatever your intentions are, you make dying feel less scary.
Getting pizza and gifts from my Amazon wishlist by you, was 1 billion times better than dying in a cold hospital room, with wilting flowers.
Now I understand why my dad wanted to die in his bed.
But I’m saving pennies for a plot of land, to live on.
I want to die on my own little piece of land, where I pay taxes annually, but have no real rights, as I wouldn’t even be able to grow vegetables in my front yard (in Florida), because a law has now passed that you can’t do that. And, if the government wanted your land, they will buy it back at the cheapest price. Whether you agree or not.
Freedom is an illusion.
But whatever.
I feel freedom when I’m with you (even though I don’t know your name or where you are).
I feel closer to you than anybody else in the entire world.
But then I also feel like we could merge into one and I still would need to get closer to you.
Maybe you only need a cheap thrill ride and here I am falling in love
*bites phone instead of nails*
👀
I like how our conversations always start off like we’re picking up where we left off even though we’re not.
Like, “babe do you know where I left the keys?”
“Uh, check the stove dear.” even though I’ve never set foot in your place – I’d still magically know where they are.
I think my soul may reside in your place metaphorically.
I’m half dead, half there with you?
Come make me whole?
I like how when you come through the door it feels like you’re coming home or places feel like home wherever you are.
We just fit.
I like how we can be deep into role-play and then have a normal moment without skipping a beat.
“Oh yah knock at the door, where were we”
Like when a drummer loses his drumstick and grabs another stick but never misses a fucking beat.
Of course we have moments where we stumble (mainly due to me) and you can hear the humility in my bones rumble, but then you turn mistake into butterfly wings.
In the real world I would be yelled at or written up.
“Ross, how many times have I told you…”
And I’m the kind of person that if I spend 26 hours putting 1000% effort into my essay and then it comes back with a bunch of red marks including my title, it’s fucking war you know, it’s fucking war basically…
I’m at constant war with the system, no wonder my heart is carving new paths to flow.
Jesus Christ
So that’s what that pain is
A rip or tear in my heart?
I will fucking die
“Looks like one is closed and the other enlarged”
Jesus fucking Christ
*gets back under heating pad*
*Disassociates mind from heart*
*thinks about him and tries to simmer breathing to a near calm*
Warmth is life
(But it also would explain why my BP had been dropping and why I’ve been feeling cold)
I somehow secretly think it’s a miracle I’m still alive
(Thank you to anybody who has stuck around, if anything as moral support)
(I don’t have parents or a fam to turn to)
(I’ve contacted 1 blood relation only)
(I need to get to JAG and get my will updated so I can leave all my shit to 1 person only)
(My dad left 2 people in his will but not sure if it is being followed)
(Why the fuck would anybody respect a dead person’s last wish? I mean we don’t even respect peoples wishes when we’re fucking alive do we, I’m learning lots of lessons with my dad dying, that’s all you should know behind the scenes because my dad died just a few months ago didn’t he and now I’m next.
So goes life.
Some are remembered, mostly not.
I’m aware that I’m on the “mostly not” list.
I don’t even have a fucking burial plot, coffin, or headstone.
And for some reason I’m learning that if you’re actually dying, having those things feels a lot less scary.
It’s like wearing your safety belt when you’re driving.
Or having the rails up when you’re bowling.
And there are people out there was so much money they sleep in coffins for fun.
*le sigh*
The thought of dying and my body immediately being cremated like an hour later freaks me the fuck out.
You will be tagged for disposal before your body has even gone cold.
Like, what if my energy needs to do some shit and now they are fucking with my body?
I want my head laid on a pillow and I want the maggots to take me in my coffin thank you
I want to take 500 to 1000 years for my body to turn back into fucking dust that’s what I want
I want my body to have the chance to fucking do what it’s supposed to do on its own
It doesn’t even have to be a fancy box with a pillow.
I am not an organ donor.
And I don’t want to be “preserved” (unless for scientific reasons to be cloned or brought back digitally).
Frozen ideally but that costs the big moneys.
I want to keep my blood, guts, and all.
No funeral.
Just a fucking box and maybe a headstone to show I was worth more than dying naked on the street.
Never thought I’d have to add to my bucket-list, “buy a fucking coffin and burial plot”.
👀
Somebody out there misses me and got me something off of my Amazon wishlist and nobody’s ever done that before and I have made 100 wishlists is since Amazon came out and nobody’s ever done that for me for anything, not for birthday, not for anything, I don’t get spoiled
But if I’m gonna die I wanna look cute doing it and I may be ornery but I can still fucking dress myself
He gets me
And I wish you were here so I could practice dancing in my stilettos and I could use you as a pole. Hmmmm oh wrong chat 👀
I hate that I am aloof and scatterbrained but I love how you react to it, it’s like you’re just running really fast to catch on a moving train!
Woo hoo!
You’re the warm stone I want my cold bones to lay
Do wish I could have talked to her before getting dose 2 but here we fucking are.
One of the digits of my new phone number was incorrectly inputted when I gave it to the front desk clerk – no matter who was to blame – and this letter she sent me I never received because USPS are at war with this neighbor.
So, when I finally did get through to her the first thing she asked was, “did you get my letter, the EKG results? I don’t like how your heart looks, you’re too young for your heart to look this way”…
But obviously she needs more test than an EKG.
I don’t normally share my personal private health matters, aside from depression.
I’m not making any of this up.
xoxo
(I’m really scared about what’s going on but also I dropped my campaign really low because I haven’t been active there but now I have someone who joined and already has the thing turned off and they’re clearly not happy so it’s gonna be more guys who just want to use me like they do in the real world – you know they fuck me and then just dump me – that’s it – that’s pretty much all my life has been about.
Another hill, another disappointment.
My heart is ripped.
I know I don’t have a great body, but I don’t want a plastic one.
I haven’t even had a hug since 2019 and now I’m fucking dying.
I’m not offering him a refund.
They can cum and go.
Nearly dead on the street all used up like Poe.
I’m not quitting my campaign. I can offer you discounts if you would like to remain or to come back.
I have a ton of content up.
I want to make more art and cosplay. I hate that I’m always the subject of my photography but I really enjoy taking photography and doing improv, dance, and cosplay. I also like writing.
But I also have a thing for a stranger who I feel closer to you than anybody in the entire world and I don’t really know who he really is
He also makes me feel really good
He makes all this shit worth it
Because I don’t even have a mom to cry to
I like fantasy with him. I like the real things too, like how we match sometimes on things by accident. Or coincidence.
Or magnetically.
I’m bonded with him.
We’ve had pizza together now, we’re bonded.
I’m not even bonded to my mom.
I’ve never been bonded to anything.
We’re bonded.
I would die for him.
But right now I’m actually trying to stay alive because I want to feel his kiss in the real world and it may be something worth dreaming about and staying alive for because all hope is almost gone.
It was nearly gone.
I was drowning in the middle of the ocean.
He sent me an SOS.
Wait, maybe he’s drowning and the package is the SOS.
He needs to be saved too.
I would give him the last little breath in my tiny little lung.
I like the world we’re building. He makes me euphoric and that was before pizza and gifts.
I love the real world and the dreamworld with you.
I like the plans and the mess.
I like the spontaneous combustion with you.
From combat boots to stilettos – and me standing in my very first pair for the very first time. Now I know why a poll is involved generally when in use. Or, another human being. For support. 👀
So they’ve gotten a lot of really good feedback so I’m going to keep them even though they pinch my toes.
They will be good for theatrics, photoshoots, or as fuckware. They are definitely hard to walk in but I’m getting better. 🤪
I picked up the Pleaser Devil Kat Stacks Adore in Black/Red from one of my favorite stores called DollsKill. They’d been in my wishlist for a minute. Figured they’d go with most of my wardrobe (which is black).
I’m working on new content – albeit not a light-speeds.
I have something wrong with my fucking heart.
We only have 4 valves right? Because I don’t want to Google or to remember.
I don’t want to think that my heart is actually working at 50% capacity because that would explain the pain coming from my fucking chest and when my mind and heart connect it starts hurting a whole lot worse so I’m having to disassociate thank you bye
I’ve also spent a lot of time under my heating pad.
I only had four puffs from one cigarette from a pack of menthol that I have had in my freezer for months but after I read that the FDA are banning them and I figured I was dying so what the fuck, I had a few puffs. As goodbye. And an act of rebellion. Fuck the FDA.
Also, there isn’t anybody else threatening to kick my ass so I don’t have to go all fucking Unhinged.
That was a momentary lapse of reason.
I’m mostly just dying. But then he came to visit me last night and he said he missed me and then surprised me with pizza but then even more spoiling cuz he ordered stuff from my Amazon Wishlist and ain’t nobody ever done that.
Ain’t no guy ever spoiled or romanced me.
I get to do things with him nobody else will let me do.
Being unexperienced just means improv to me.
I don’t feel unexperienced, I have a four page resume and a deteriorating mind.
Before long, I’ll be having things pasted on the wall.
Newspaper clippings in weird code solving the mysteries of the universe written in a format only he would understand.
But I definitely do not want to be witch lady with 50 cats because I can barely stand having one under my foot. 👀
It’s an evil little beast on 4 legs.
And I’m programmed to see it as an innocent kitten.
But it’s not, it’s a little terror machine.
I just want him.
Why is that so fucking much to ask?????
Why can’t I have him right now?
While I still have a half functioning heart.
(He probably has the other half)
(Wouldn’t mind actually laying next to his chest and allowing our hearts to go in sync and beat synchronized)
I need him.
His kisses, his stories, and whatever else he throws in the mix.
And then after he stuffed my belly full of pizza –
He surprised me again and got me stuffs from my Amazon wishlist 😻
And then I fell asleep on him again 🤪
(Not literally just metaphorically)
If he was actually here you likely wouldn’t hear from me for days, you’d probably only hear from me when I came up for air…
If he allowed it
🤪
Slept through the whole night
Looks like he’s got the prescription Big Pharm can’t write me
You reckon them porn stars are ready to make babies with every guy that gets them something off their Amazon wishlist? An I doing this right? 👀
The porn stars only care about money babies – That’s why she’s always looking right in the camera and smiling at you. It’s called acting.
But this here isn’t acting. This is me wanting to meet up with him in Vegas, elope, and start making babies immediately.
👀
He doesn’t care that I’m aloof and stupid. Because I can’t even read a coupon correctly and I fall asleep on him.
But that’s the thing, when he comes around I finally sleep.
He’s my safe place.
Even though I don’t actually know who he really is.
It’s complicated 👀
But for the first time in my life somebody bought me something off of my Amazon wishlist and for some reason I keep getting to do all the firsts with him. 😻
I want to do all the firsts and then I want to do them again.
Everything about him feels better than dying on the street.
There aren’t any red flags and even if there were, my brain perceives them as a red carpet.
I need him
He knows how to handle my inexperience and goofiness
Or when I read a pizza coupon wrong
He knows how to make me not feel stupid
Even when I’m feeling slightly embarrassed for being inexperienced or stewpids
He squashes those fears flat before they even get a chance to simmer
I could be 100 % convinced we were on the straight path and then lead us both into a trap and he’d make a game out of it
Cuz I’ve decided this instance he’s my Tarzan
Him and I like the forest
When we’re not busy destroying the city and everything in it
Everything except each other
We stop for kisses and then get back to fucking shit up like Bonnie and Clyde
I’m busy dying and he’s like “but can we have babies first before you do that”
And now all the parts in my body feel magnetized and activated
There may be a slight hum coming from my bones
It’s possible I may start levitating a few inches off the ground
Does anybody make you feel like that?
I know how the universe feels expanding cuz he makes all my neurons fire
He makes my entire body euphoric without touching me
And sometimes he makes me throb
He makes me feel the things
And I get to open up and do things with him that other people won’t let me do
My mind, spirit, and body has been chained
But he frees me
He knows how to release me
I’m attached to him and it’s not through trauma bonding
We are north and south
Yin and yang
And I have loads of food leftover and stuff arriving this week from my wishlist thanks to him spoiling me 💕
I also have a surprise coming from my DollsKill wishlist, something I got in thanks of y’all pushing me into the top 27, and holding me there so long!
I can’t talk about it, you just have to wait!
(And even tho I was waiting like a hawk all day for UPS, I still managed to miss that ‘tap’ at my door). The dog didn’t even bark. He barks at everything! 🤪
I even drove around the parking lot like a madman trying to catch up with him but he was gone gone gone
So I gotta go pick it up at the drop off location I think.
I’ve just accepted that reality is broken for me.
And I can trust my mind just about as much as I can trust my GPS.
👀
Or the CDC.
And I yelled at my nurse yesterday when I was trying to relay a message to her to get to my doctor about looking up the signs and symptoms of Moderna and she wanted to give me the signs and symptoms listed off the CDC website and I was like “I need you to start taking your job seriously, people have died from this“.
And then I yelled at her more saying my signs and symptoms aren’t the fucking flu
Or what you can pull from the CDC website which lists COMMON symptoms, not rare.
Furthermore, those are common symptoms from all the vaccines, I need mine specifically from Moderna.
And then I hung up on her cuz my heart can’t take the fucking stress.
And then my mind was wandering to where only seven people had attended Edgar Allan Poe’s funeral and I was thinking I didn’t want anybody to attend mine at all – until he came.
Have you ever missed someone you’ve never even met?
I’m slightly deranged and dying and didn’t even think he wanted me around.
But then he appeared like Neo and said, “I’ve missed you” and I replied, “I can tell”. And then we disappeared and then I missed Morpheus arriving with my special package for y’all… 👀
The end of the world can wait. Priorities.
Coming out of my coffin soon
I hope
And I’m having pizza and warm brownies for breakfast
With milk
😋
Gonna have delicious pizza breath off and on all day
And I think my special package is on the brown truck again – I think they’re going to actually attempt to redeliver it since it was a signed package but then they’re going to leave it at the drop off point if I’m unable to show up at my own destination. 🤪
But I can’t even read a fucking pizza coupon correctly so you know
Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong
It’s like a betting game
I had my pharmacist crying laughing the other day though, I told him, “it says good driver on my license though sometimes it’s questionable“ and he was like STOP IT and was wiping tears from his eyes.
And everything I said was comic gold. He couldn’t stop laughing. He thanked me for the mental health boost.
🤓
(no need to get jelly cuz this one plays for the other team)
We were just having a moment like the squirrel
There’s madness all around but sometimes you just gotta stop and laugh with somebody whose on the job.
Somebody who isn’t threatening to kick your fucking ass simply because you need them to sign onto the register so they can check out your egg sandwich and Coca-Cola in the can.
You’re gonna sign out and meet me outside are you?
Well I wanna see that fucking shit, I do
👀
So it’s either fighting hoes at the 7/11 or having babies in Vegas.
I’ll take Vegas.
👀
(I was feeling completely depleted and deranged but then he came and filled me up with love and pizza and gifts from my Amazon Wishlist)
Lightning struck twice in the same place
A double first
He’s some sort of mythical, magical creature and I don’t fear him in the thickness or the fog
He taught me to hover below the fog
To use the fog as a cover
To lay flat so I can breathe easier
He’s teaching me how to not fear the fog
He told me the fog will come and go
But that the forest needs the fog
He said I’ll get that lesson another time
And then he kissed me and disappeared into the fog
Feeling like I cannot take a breath Or if I do, maybe it will spell death All these tree lines, they have marked my wrath Telling the truth, that’s my only path
Doc says my EKG doesn’t look good. And I’ve been having heart issues lately. She says one chamber looks enlarged and one looks closed off. Just an FYI because not all disabilities are visible. Depression isn’t my only ailment. I hope you’ll excuse how shitty I look, I’m on bed rest and between doctor visits. Wanna get back to working out and cosplay soon – But I just received this news this morning about my EKG results and I’m still trying to process the news. I just returned from seeing my doctor and I’m pending being scheduled for an ultrasound. She started me on aspirin as well. She said I’m too young for this and she doesn’t like how my EKG looks.
I have a constant pain there too – knowing that it could potentially be because it’s a chamber torn is freaking me out. So I’m trying not to get into my head and into my anxiety.
So to sum things up, two of the chambers of my heart are questionable and of concern for my doctor.
I have been having chest pains and I can feel pressure in my heart. Sometimes I can feel blockages or like maybe I have blood clots.
I don’t have the heart to tell you that I’m dying
Regret?
Yeah.
Only one thing I really want before I die.
His kiss.
And a box for my bones.
I had the bullets in the chamber though didn’t I
Moderna was Russian roulette but the CDC hadn’t released the information regarding blood clots and I know it’s happening in Moderna too, I mean I’m fucking proof….
I was complaining of heart issues and potential blood clots with my doctor and she prescribed me aspirin but I’m convinced now Moderna is to blame.
There’s always going to be casualties of war.
I told you I was out here in the trenches didn’t I.
Didn’t I?
So now I’m telling you don’t get the fucking shot if you already have heart issues and are experiencing blood clot issues unless you want to play Russian roulette with the vaccine and blow your fucking heart out like I’ve done
I didn’t know the vaccine was causing blood clot issues prior to me getting dose one and and all assured I was good to go for dose two even though my blood pressure fucking dropped.
Woo hoo hold on BB!!! The end is near!
Check make for the New World Order because they won’t have to pay me any more if I fucking die
I won’t be a fucking crutch on the system anymore will I
More money in their fucking pockets to play on the fucking yachts
Casualties of war!!!!
The unknown soldier!
They got me!
Knocked out whaaaa 40 + years of my life? With a fucking vaccine I knew was too fucking new and risky to do.
I FUCKING KNEW
*tries not to go fucking crazy and destroy everything in my home that I’ve worked for
*tries not to jump off a fucking bridge
Moderna is to blame and my shitty eating habits during this fucking quarantine
Modern medicine don’t mean shit if you’ve lost your will to live
Or can’t even get into the fucking VA for a fucking ultrasound when you got two chambers in your heart fucked up
Moderna IS to blame
Oh and now we can gather in small crowds with people vaccinated and unvaccinated like fucking Russian roulette.
👀
I just threw away 40 years of my fucking life over a vaccine
I have my WordPress connected to my Twitter so any time I post something on my WordPress it automatically publishes to my Twitter and OnlyFans has responded to that automatic post which is super cool because well I wasn’t using any hashtags or anything.
I got noticed without hashtags or tagging someone.
I read a blog post last night where another blogger had reached 100 fans and the top 8% within a six-month timeframe (so I was momentarily feeling discouraged until I read that Tweet by OF).
I’ve been on OnlyFans for six months as well and I’ve reached top 27% so I’m just grateful for any growth that I have because most people don’t want to support me for whatever their reasons are.
Again, they wanna lock me on the bottom of the Titanic and watch it sink in boats that could hold more people.
I just know it.
So thank you because I am out here busting my ass.
Y’all know how I almost got arrested at the VA because I was letting other people know that they could still get sick even vaccinated because I didn’t want them to get sick even though they’re getting vaccinated?
Well, I’ve lost followers over that as well but you can go to the CDC website and get this information for yourself.
They’re not gonna be as direct in saying it but it’s on the CDC website right there with all the variants and the relapses of people who are getting sick even though they are vaccinated (and these people were shocked and couldn’t believe that they actually got sick because they were vaccinated).
Me too. I was starting to have that misconception that I was going to be invincible at 94% effective against it (you know what I mean free donuts every day at Krispy Kreme just showing my vaccination card)….
It’s hip, it’s cool to be vaccinated, the cute little cartoon videos will show you people running around without their mask on – but when you’re in public you still need to have your mask on and you can actually still get sick – but they don’t say that or show that in the cute video do they…
Condoms aren’t 100% effective either and they are already talking about booster shots annually.
I will not be getting anything else shot wise in regards to COVID.
They will – at this point – have to enforce it on me.
They will have to enforce it on me and even then with five people holding me down they’re gonna have a fucking hard time getting that booster shot in me.
FYI.
I’m done with this man-made pandemic bullshit.
Delirious but not fucking delusional.
My mask will be staying on. I will be keeping six feet from you.
Move anywhere inside my bubble and you risk getting yelled at just like that cop did.
He too will obey the fucking rules or arrest me!
And 4 other cops rolled in and nearly did.
Don’t come at me.
1984 is now!
👀
Why are people so afraid to be told that they can still get sick even vaccinated?
*runs around yelling putting the fear into everybody*
*waits to be stoned/arrested/shadowbanned/crucified/burned at the stake/unfollowed/blocked*
I love y’all so much for not letting me die on the street!
And it feels like that trust thing, where you get blindfolded and fall backwards and trust that they will catch you.
Because I’m opening up there and exploring my sexuality through camera work and modeling and it’s my safe place to do so.
My account is not hardcore XXX porn.
I strip, I’m a stripper – but with my artsy spin.
I’m doing stuff there I’ve never even done with another human being in the real world and it’s very liberating.
It’s very liberating taking my clothes off and I don’t feel guilty or sinful about it.
It feels natural.
Even my weird fetish’s I’m learning to explore (vampire cosplay, child cosplay, ect)
And I’ve also done ratings on others and one said it was a really good mental health boost.
I can live with that.
Because it’s also a really big mental health boost just for having your support.
I love you! 💕
I swear to fuck my OnlyFans is better than therapy!
And I realize that my account is way more softcore compared to what other girls are doing on their accounts (I do not masturbate or do porn / XXX). My content is Rated R though. It’s not PG.
I studied the Kama Sutra all my life and my focus was always seduction (vampire) and sensuality (sensation).
I think I may try to tell stories with the photo sets that I put out.
Not all of the sets because lately I’ve been posting more casual content that would get me in trouble or banned on Instagram.
And I asked them if they would be OK with me doing that and they said yes.
So sometimes they get me taking a bubble bath or sometimes they get me doing cosplay.
Can’t wait to be fully vaccinated though so I can travel and still wear my mask everywhere. 👀
The month of April has been hard for me medically – because of my COVID vaccinations.
I’m currently day 2 into dose 2 of the Moderna vaccine.
So thank you for letting me post more casual stuff that would get me in trouble or banned on Instagram (or falsely reported and removed).
Like my booty. Been posting lots more booty progress there on OF since I get in trouble for posting it on Instagram, despite there being naked women who are being sexually suggestive and in fact, it is sexual solicitation, but their post can remain because they haven’t been shadowbanned.
Overall, I’m just grateful for your support on my OnlyFans.
I tried to go live the other night on Instagram to show you the beach, and I was blocked from doing that on my account.
It made me want to drown myself in the ocean. 👀
Big bro has made social media toxic as fuck.
I literally fear doing anything there.
Which makes me even more grateful for my OnlyFans that I have your support because I could be nowhere on the leaderboard and dead on the street.
And there are absolutely people out there that are making me feel bad for even being on the leaderboard because they would’ve locked me on the bottom of the Titanic and watched it sink in boats that could’ve held more people.
Hello. Who are you? Do you even know I taunt you? Do you know I exist?
Why did my brain send a signal light-years fast to my heart, when I discovered you? And every picture that followed? Why did I die a million deaths too?
And now I live vicariously through you. Agonizing over every detail. Some days I’m certain you are him.
Other days, there are blaring differences that you’re not.
Do I need him to be you? His habits and obsessions too? They are the same true?
Why haven’t I let you go if I know you are not him?
How can I be so sure and uncertain?
And there’s even a third I’ve turned into him.
Or maybe one or two? 🤔
If they are all him then you are him too?
But why did I have such a strong connection to an avatar?
I guess I wanted to tell you that maybe now I realize you’re not him but I still have doubt.
Or, I can’t discard the signals?
That I had when looking at you.
Immediately.
Spotted.
But you don’t like me knowing that and neither does he.
You don’t want me to know that you like her?
But neither does he…
Then there’s the reds and the blues (and I have a head injury too).
My taunting wasn’t malice more like letting you know I was aware of your existence but I don’t even know if you know I am aware of your existence?
They all feel like one.
I’m losing my mind? 🤕
I long for you.
Or him.
The only thing I’m certain of these days is that I’m losing my mind and I don’t wanna die on the street.
And so far, fantasy beats reality.
Because reality is dying naked on the street, out me mind. Unless running into his arms.
I’m so capable of slipping into that madness.
Can I slip into you instead?
Or vice versa?
Can meet on the Moon?
Before I dies?
Do you visit my blog?
Will you even read this?
Am I even alive?
I’m shriveling up into nonexistence
I currently wrote this running a mild fever but I needed to get it out before I fucking die.
Guess I’ll still be loving you even when I’m dead.
Condoms are not 100% effective and neither is your vaccination. 👀
You can still get sick (or others).
So what does this mean?
It means Biden has a 15 year plan laid out for this pandemic and they’re now speaking of booster shots annually.
It means you still need to wear your mask, wash your hands and practice social distancing by keeping 6 feet.
Even vaccinated. 👀
Because we are now living in the New World order.
And since 1984 is now – and many are trying to silence me from reminding you of this blatant fact – I’m gonna put it on a tee.
You can still get sick vaccinated.
They are already talking of booster COVID shots for next year. 👀
(And did anybody notice how they quietly removed the Johnson and Johnson one shot vaccine temporarily because it was causing blood clots but it’s now back in circulation).
I already have heart issues, my BP dropped extremely low getting MODERNA dose 1 (so maybe a slight miracle I wasn’t offered the J&J, and the government likely wanted the MODERNA vaccines for the Soldiers, because it offers a 94% effective rate against COVID (but not the rapidly evolving strains), and let’s face it, a Soldier is a DOLLAR sign. We are only numbers. And many of us have unplugged and have come to learn this fact and they’re dying by suicide which is why the suicide rate continues to increase among veterans and active military). The government are building super soldiers and they spend a lot of money training us, that’s why they don’t want us to fucking die. They only care about stats and numbers! The J&J vaccine offers an 80% effective rate from COVID. MODERNA 94%. And I haven’t studied the other vaccines emerging. But I’m definitely glad I didn’t get the Johnson and Johnson one if it’s causing fucking blood clots and I already have heart issues!
Now I’ve just received my second shot, which I’m told is worse than the first vaccine (but you don’t need to take my word for it, it’s listed on the CDC website).
So here we go.
Dose 2 complete and now they are talking of booster shots for next year. 👀
This pandemic was manmade.
It’s clear to me.
Scientists playing God.
Narcissism ruining the world.
With just 1 move the NWO:
1. Put a lid on the “anti vacciner” by implementing a manmade pandemic encouraging (rather than enforcing) people to get vaccinated.
They do this by giving you incentive like, “fully vaccinated people can get a free donut at Krispy Kreme by showing their vaccination record”
Advertising about how cool it is to be vaccinated and to get vaccinated (even though you can still get sick and you need to wear your mask but they leave this out of the video don’t they).
Giving you the option to be vaccinated makes you feel like you have control over the situation but it’s just gaslighting, it’s just more smallpox on blankets to Indians (and I am part Native American Indian and my bloodline was almost wiped out so my fears are legit).
Eventually it will be enforced.
Through “no entry unless fully vaccinated” mandates. I imagine this will be for all public transportation, schools, hospitals, and government buildings.
2. Population control
The NWO want every animal (including you and me) tagged.
You are given a number at birth.
They call it “security” but I’m told when I’m at age to need it there won’t be any fucking funds.
“Social Security is under threat“, remember?
Was anybody actually paying attention to Obama anytime the words “New World Order” came out of his mouth? Because there’s video everywhere of him talking about it, along with all our world leaders.
It’s not every now and then they mention it, it’s all the time, during live conferences!
It’s not a conspiracy theory!
And just because something is a conspiracy doesn’t mean it’s not true!
Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m not being followed!!!
You can still get sick even vaccinated!!!
Jim Morrison was acutely aware of the illuminati so was Michael Jackson so was Tupac so was John Lennon.
Knock knock
You are a slave, Neo.
I almost got arrested today because some lady didn’t wanna hear that she could still get sick even vaccinated but the other people around me did want to hear it so I almost got arrested for them to hear it.
I also yelled at the cop for getting in my face and not giving me 6 feet and respecting my personal space!
Then more cops rolled in.
1984 is now y’all.
Go ahead and fucking crucify me, you’re not going to silence me!!!
Welp, BIG BRO actually is working towards silencing many of us. Fairly certain Trump isn’t the only one who can be banned from the Internet.
And we can thank Bush with his “Signing Statements” for that because we’ve moved into a Hitler state!!!
I’m aware that this post is very political and many may not be able to keep up with the particular topics that are involved but I am a soldier, this is what I do, this is me, it’s part of who I am and will always be.
The key thing you need to take from all of this is, you can still get sick even vaccinated! Stay woke!
And that one lady was the only bad Apple that didn’t want to hear what I had to say, everybody else was thanking me because I potentially saved their life or someone else’s because they had the same mentality going forward that I did that you were going to be invincible once you were fucking vaccinated – free donuts and it’s cool getting vaccinated, you know!!
It’s hip, it’s cool man. It’s a hippie dippy cool thing to be vaccinated!
But you can still get sick! 👀
And booster shots annually.
Big Pharma got the money back they lost from the anti-vacciners and the weed smokers!
Did you know when you were singing that night to the crowd that it would be your last time?
Or did something at home trigger you?
Did you know you were going to end your life after your sold out show?
Did you know you were going to wrap a belt around your throat and hang yourself in the hotel bathroom?
That’s the exact moment you were notifying your wife Vicky, through tapping the on/off button on an app that turned your bedroom lights on and off from anywhere in the world.
Were you hoping to be saved?
Or were you telling your wife goodbye?
That’s how she knew something was wrong, the lights were turning on and off in your bedroom – but you were in Detroit in a hotel after a sold out show. She was at your home in California.
Were you speaking in code?
Did you know that would be your final performance?
You were the leader of the alternative scene.
I lost my best friend to suicide in 1993 and Soundgarden was her favorite band and now you’re gone to suicide as well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I’ve been suffering from depression all my fucking life.
I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of fighting to stay in a world I don’t belong in.
I’ve been lying to myself all my life saying it’s going to get easier, things are going to get better, things are going to change, everything is going to be all right, but I’ve been gaslighting myself.
The world is getting worse.
I’ve cried so long because I wanted to belong to somebody or somewhere or to feel wanted and loved. I’ve never even had fucking parents. I had abusers.
Y’all don’t understand.
The soulless narcissist will never understand.
Vapid.
I might as well go hang myself in a hotel fucking bathroom only I’ve got about as much money as Edgar Allan Poe did when he died on the fucking street broke and naked.
👀
That tattoo on my rib cage are words Edgar Allan Poe wrote for his wife when she died. I got Edgar in my bone.
Feeling emo.
I was hoping to find love before I die but now I’m just hoping for a box for my bones.
Going in for dose 2 of Moderna today against my better judgment. Dose 1 made my blood pressure drop really low, my heart has been struggling to pump blood throughout my body (why I’ve been feeling so cold) because my heart is struggling to circulate (it’s only caring about my main organs) – oh wait – not dying yet. Or am I? 🤔
Not gonna lie, I’m freaking out in the most calm way. Through crying. More stress my petite heart does not need.
I’m scared.
I’m alone.
All alone.
Gonna die naked on the street outta pure madness.
I’m losing me mind.
And my heart is weak.
I just wanted to be somebody’s favorite just once in my life.
Actually, I’ve recently learned how to take a “portrait photo” (where the background is blurry) and Poe has his eye on me.
Ignore the freckles, kisses from the Sun.
They don’t feel like kisses though, they feel like radiation burns because that’s what they are, so please keep Vampy in the shade.
And anyway, you’re not supposed to take a portrait in “selfie mode” but I’m sick to fuck of following rules.
I’m that program in the Matrix doing what it’s not suppose to be doing, that’s why big bro keeps putting the fucking Berlin iron fucking wall up on me.
1984 is now and I am being driven mad out of me mind dying in the street kind of madness
I get to start using the term “homicidal” if I ever answer my therapist call again.
Because I’m so ready for the cops to knock on my door and take me away to the funny farm without my permission.
I don’t feel my booty has reached its maximum effectiveness, it is just getting started. 🤪
I’m only a couple months into my rebounding fitness routine – but it’s clearly showing results!
☺️
I’m afraid to even mention the word booty on my Instagram because it will just get reported as “harassment”. 👀
Lately, I have seen a flood of women following me, hello and welcomes. 💪
I appreciate the support and feedback so much!
Honestly, it motivates me to keep doing this.
I know I’ve inspired 2 women to start rebounding, perhaps even more I don’t know about.
Or more who would like to get going.
Forget the before pictures! Stop comparing your body to how it was when you were younger – or before becoming disabled if – and stop comparing it to other bodies! Listen to what it wants!
I don’t see my body how other people see my body at all! I probably never will!
But rebounding makes me feel better mentally and my heart doesn’t feel like it’s going to die after 30 seconds of rebounding! It takes time!
Rebounding is resistance training – but I try to associate it with “fun” instead of “exercise”.
I always bounce to a good music playlist! Music + bouncing = weeeeeeee!
But it is a lot of work and commitment!
I miss days! I stumble! I get back up!
You just gotta keep going! Allow your body and mind to rest on the days it needs! Give yourself love and nurturing!
I talk to my body when I feed it now!
Like a plant! I’m giving it positive vibes!
I suffer from depression so none of this comes easy!
Thanks for your follows and support!
It fuels me to keep going and not die on the street!
Still holding Top 29%! Thank you to everyone who supports my hard work! I’m trying to avoid dying on the street like Edgar Allan Poe! I appreciate you!! 💕
I’m spending my weekend in my studio writing and recording content for my patrons!
I go in for dose 2 of Moderna in just a few days!
So I’d like to try to push out another little set for my OF as well!
I’m also offering a new service on my OnlyFans- as it was requested by a sub – and I’ll be releasing that information here soon! 🥰
But holyshite!
(I also have someone in the top 1% stealing my signature booty moves)
But whatev, for the moment, I iz TOP 30% of ALL creators on OF!
But top 30% y’all as a creator is most definitely an achievement? 👀
And still pending a refund for that 1 fellow (so will likely lose my lead on the leaderboard but whatever. I’ve lost somebody and my signature booty move has been stolen from me).
I’m going up against famous peeps who are stealing from me legit.
But I’m currently top 30%!!!! 🤪
Thank you subs!!!!
Thank you for not letting me die on the street like Edgar Allan Poe!!!
PoeEternal 