death – Page 3 – PoeEternal

Posted on December 29, 2021December 29, 2021 by poeeternal

Sinkholes + a 14 year old girl burned alive in Miami 😑

I just Googled “signs of a sinkhole” and I don’t know why I do this to myself

But I’ve been staring at that crack above my ceiling and they had to adjust two of the doors in my bedroom because they wouldn’t close anymore and this was right after they removed two trees outside of my window

I don’t want to die in a building collapse

I don’t want to die like John Jones

I don’t want to die on the street naked, broke, and in pure madness like Edgar Allan Poe

That condo that fell down in Miami a few hours from me is coming out with new reports that were covered up by politicians and the press (because I’m not the only one who is being shadowbanned or dealing with gaslighting and narcissism 24 hours a day with a brain injury)… that a 14 year old girl was burned alive, they tried to rescue her but when a fire broke out, only they left her alone to scream and burn alive 😱

And the rescue team heard her crying for help for hours but they failed to rescue her in that timeframe, moving at a snails pace with any rescue attempts and probably gaslighting her that she will be saved

Here’s a link to that story: https://www.usatoday.com/in-depth/graphics/2021/12/09/surfside-survivor-miami-condo-collapse-champlain-south-voice-girl-rubble-rescue-trapped/8625452002/

These demons love to sensationalize traumas, that way they can relive them over and over again with a shiny medal they get for heroic efforts they fail and all so they can have a little feeling inside

Anyway, I was reading article after article on the Miami condo collapse and there were never any stories on that 14 year old girl

I was heavily invested into what was going on at the time and pretty much listening to any news article that came out which I now know has been inaccurate because I’m only now learning a 14 year old girl was trapped and alive

They wouldn’t publish that tho (but now reports are coming out)

Kind of like when the local press refused to publish Edgar Allan Poe’s stories or poetry and he was starving even though he was an officer for two years

So he died on the street

And then something even more tragic happened to someone when I was alive, they went exploring a “fun cave” and got stuck upside down and DIED

Others had been stuck in that exact spot six months prior, but due to bad management and narcissism, John Jones’s fate was sealed and despite him begging to be broke in half to be pulled out, they fucking left him there

And I nearly traversed down to all the levels of hell to bite off the tongue of Lu before he was like, “hey, heyyyyyyyy… now I’ll admit things are getting a tad out of hand”

But then I felt John pulling me from the depths of hell back into the realms of earth

Lu has given up on you

COWARD

I’m ready for him to take all you monsters back to the fucking pit of despair you came from but he doesn’t even want you in hell

Apophis has earth’s name on it – kissed and blessed by me

She won’t be long now

I also here talk from President Biden about “fixing the housing market”

Yeee

You got over 40% of the population who has quit work and about 50% of the population who is about to go on rental strike

One more rent increase and I go ~~die on the street~~ live in my Jeep 👀

Say motherfucker one more time, I dare you

We’ve been pushed beyond our breaking point

It’s going to take a whole lot of fixing what you’ve done to get me to participate in society because the gods are offering new earth to me and what are you offering me Big Brother? The Metaverse full of advertising and porn 🤢🤮🤢💩💩💩😷

Have you seen Zuck’s eyes lately? He’s devoid of soul. I can’t look.

Hollywood are beyond recognition

I literally cringe when I’m looking at people and I feel my body curling up and I don’t think it supposed to elicit such a physical response in the real world when I look at another person

But they use so much plastic and Botox – it looks painful to be so fake

I like my soft, warm body

I still have a soul 👀

Organic AI

Feeding it the good stuff now

The sun is electrical

That building in Miami only took 10 seconds to come down

People are being buried and burned alive in Florida due to sinkholes

Is it time for me to live in my Jeep? 👀

I don’t sleep easy

It takes a load of legal drugs to knock me out

But then my body is aware of a suspended state and will jerk me awake

I’m pretty certain God is dreaming right now and I’m just a figment of his imagination

Pure energy manifesting itself as a hologram

NASA will not ever tell you of life in other galaxy, everyone would want to leave modern slavery for a chance to be free

Everything they’ve gaslit to be in power would crumble

I would love to see the 13 families in charge be drug out into the street and have their testicles cut from them and hung but whatever, that’s just Vladimir Tepes in me

Only 6% of the population have my blood type

I’m elite and rare

The universe’s wildcard 👀

Can play me anytime

Infinite versions of me

Science irritated me growing up but I still wound up earning a science degree

I also have a background in defense and fighting, I am a Soldier

I’m the Oracle? 🤔

Or that program in the Matrix doing what it’s not supposed to be doing

Anytime you hear the word zombie, vampire, or witch, that’s a program doing what it’s not supposed to be doing

I’ve done this 7 times

I’m becoming self-aware

As an organism, humans working together would be so much stronger

They don’t want us knowing how powerful we are

And even if you’re not as powerful, I still need your help getting over the fence, could you at least give me a push up to ascend?

Stop being brittle

I mean resentful

I talk to dead people 👀

It’s more like dead people talk and sing to me 👀

I listen 👀

I hang out with dead people more than I do alive folk 🤪

I can’t really talk to the doctors about how broken I am or my sexual kinks because they would drill a hole in my head for sure or lock me up 👀

I’m back to ignoring all my phone calls anyway

I don’t know how to tell them that they are the enemy now 😌

And I had a peptalk with myself to go easy on everybody because they just don’t have the level of expertise as me (or bloodtype potentially)

Yeah sure they look like a doctor but they are gaslighting just like literally everything in the world

Sometimes tho you get that burst of honesty

I want to know what went on in that cave that will never get disclosed 👀

What gives you the right

Unearth all

Tell me how much John Jones hated you while he was pissing and shitting on himself dying upside down

Get it the fuck out

I’ve relived every moment

John Jones fucking hates you 👀

I have a bone to pick with Michael Levitt who murdered John

I still can’t wrap my head around gravity

Why is it so strong

What is it

Why are holes so hard to get out of?

Why does being upside down freak me out so much?

I still don’t understand how a cloud is heavy

Or why the Milky Way galaxy is in a downward spiral and falling

We still don’t know everything about consciousness

Where was I before I was born?

I have a period of awareness in the womb and I was extremely depressed and claustrophobic and hated being in that space and can remember being very angry, like how much longer is this going to take and at some point I kicked myself out of the womb, isn’t that how we all come into the world? Pissed off kicking and crying? 🤔

Stop telling me what I remember

I’m sick of being surpressed

Living in doubt

Y’all uploaded a load of corrupt data into my programming

Maybe the brain injury caused me to be in a fractal state

I’m smart but I’m also stupid and I’m not a genius but sometimes I can solve genius problems without instruction and that impresses the math teachers a hella lot

But not enough for extra credit 🙄

Teacher: how did you do this, we didn’t go over this in class and it’s one of the hard ones (is impressed by my work which we had to show)

Me: what do you mean, we didn’t have to do this problem? *gasp* it took ten minutes (that means an hour)

Him: nope, wasn’t one of the homework assignments and we didn’t even discuss it because it’s so difficult *hands me paper back with a graded 50 on it* but I’m impressed you got half the problems right this time, it means you retained half

Me: *sobs real tears*

That was college math for me

And my teacher would literally get happy when I got a 50 on my test because he went, “that means you understood half of it” and I never saw the reward of his hard work of teaching like he did

I was literally the only student failing but I still managed to pass because homework outweighed the low scores and I did do the extra credit anytime we could

Apparently I also did problems we didn’t even need to do 🙄

I got the really really hard ones right without any instruction

And without a grade or extra credit 🤢

Yeah I’m never going to forget that one

Math has made me cry, just as much as any boyfriend (potentially way more)

I iz stupid nerd 🤐

Anyway I should stop googling signs of sinkholes when they are completely in front of me and I just thought you should know that 14-year-old girl burned up alive in that condo collapse because the people out there that we trust keep cutting corners to pocket their gold

And also insurance takes care of everything so they don’t have to have a conscience or to even feel responsible for anything, it’s like they found a way to cheat God and the system

If you mess up in any job you get into trouble, except in the medical field where you can literally get away with murder

Imagine if patients had to fill out a form about their medical treatment and those reflected in the evaluations these doctors get bi-annually

But these nurses and doctors just get to do whatever the fuck they want, don’t they

You can get your voice back a little bit by filling out official complaints with advocacy, requesting new care teams, leaving 1 star reviews everywhere you can, especially on Google or an official website – image is everything to these beasts.

I took mine higher and filed several complaints at the WhiteHouse VA about the Daytona VA OPC and did leave a Google review

The realtors are coming out finally and saying, “yes in deed the housing market is rigged” and I’ve been saying this since the fucking 90s!

Do you think I wanted to rent all of my entire life or to get stuck in an abusive marriage just to be able to have a broken home?

Would rather die on the street like Poe

But definitely not with the building collapsing on me in the middle of the night when I’m in my bed trying to sleep or burned alive 👀

New fear unlocked

Posted on November 21, 2021 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

Line My Coffin (poetry)

Line my coffin
With roses and red velvet
Paper silk gilded with his words
Not gold or Hamlet
His tongue the vine
Heaven lined with it
And all of time
Like blood in wrist
I want paper golden doves
The sun in a twist
Lay me down when done
Let your poison perish

Freestyle poetry. My favorite to write. They had me at “no rules”…

I love you 👁👄👁

Posted on November 20, 2021November 21, 2021 by poeeternal

The new suicidal (poetry confessionals)

He whispered in my ear, said he wanted poison
I’ve got plenty here, with a bottle open 👀

He wanted to back off a cliff
By instinct, she wanted to climb in
No frenzy, no rush
Of sound mind, without fuss

He is jealous of her tide
He showed his shallow side
Says he never wants a bride

I only want the end to come with you 💔

We both hate life so much but are stubborn, so want to see it through to the end (or at least not live life without the other)

Scary tide

But we have to stay quarantined from each other because he’s pure blood and I’m now the vaxxxxed and half-zombie 😩

But my blood is one of the rarest and eldest (only 6-11% of the population have my blood type) and I already am part werewolf and part vampire (so hello from your favorite living-dead-girl) 🧟‍♀️

I know thangs and sometimes my spirit guides are the dead 👀

I’m complicated and absolutely different from you

But I won’t live life without him

I will fucking drown myself in the ocean and it won’t be hard to do right now 👀

One slip and I’m gone

I’m literally burying my feet in the sand as the tide is rushing away with so much force and I’m afraid of what’s under the sand but the crazy thing is, there hasn’t been any wildlife at all and that doesn’t help my fear factor any 👀

It’s usually common for a school of fish to swim past you or you know things to bump into you

But the vibe is all off

There’s negative energy when I visit the beach now

The clouds even spell doom

No lifeguard on duty and red warning flags flying high (that already put the fear into me)

I don’t ignore the red flags anymore

Welp

King Tide scares my hide 👀

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8p7Aphs/

Posted on October 27, 2021 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

One Of (poetry)

I’m one of gods disciples
One of his favorite arrivals
I visit earth now in cycles
Because dying is revivals

“How did she die…”

“…With a pen in her hand”

All you’ll need to know… 🤪

Me: can I get a large unsweetened black tea with easy ice please

Her: Would you like that hot or cold?

Me:

Posted on October 26, 2021October 27, 2021 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

Sworn (poetry)

Do not mourn
When I am gone
For it’s been said
I am nearly home
My soul’s heaven sworn

You can’t see it and I can’t prove it, but John is using his wings to carry me like a hammock.

Because I have to make up pretend people that care about me

And in the real world, there is only monsters

Today is hard day and I don’t want to talk about it

But the VA has totally let me down and I’ve contacted and filed a case with the WhiteHouse

And requested a new primary care doctor *sigh* again 👎👎

And before you say that I’m the problem, just remember the suicide rate continues to increase among military and veterans

I shouldn’t have to beg for the treatment I need to get better

This isn’t a dictatorship, you don’t get to decide what treatment for me when there’s only 1 I can do

John is swinging me so I have to go

I’ve got one foot in time and one foot in eternity

I’m still on bedrest, so the next motherfucker who drops into my inbox with a job offer is getting a block (you’re lucky I simply moved you to the ignore folder but that’s a no contact move for me)

Him: “hey how are you”

Me: bedrest blah blah blah

Him: “oh that sucks, hey I got a job offer for you…”

Me:

Posted on September 25, 2021September 25, 2021 by poeeternal

Private (poetry)

I went private on my feed
Cuz he kept looking back at me
Like a vulture circling
He kept looking back at me 👀

Welp. What’s next? Gouging my eyeballs out while I’m still alive cuz he can’t stand what I see? 👀

What if I’m blocking all the passages preventing me from being able to come back or from you going further?

I can’t crawl back up the hole now anyway

Gravity 👀

What if I’m blocking you because I don’t want to be saved and I don’t want you to get hurt? 👀

What if I die because I know too much? 👀

These caves are crawling with paranoia

And you can’t scratch

I don’t think you should be crawling around the places I’m going, you don’t have the experience that I do

The Army trained me to observe

I see all 👀

And I need land pronto fast to dig several foxholes and an underground bunker like those in NAM.

And a T3 armory 👀

The Army trained me with LIVE grenades, I have a badge and all 👀

Had to run around an obstacle course with live grenades, with our drill sergeants randomly pretending to be an enemy trying to get them off of you

They did not get them off of me, they tried 👀

Where’s my old school Army at? They probably training everybody with video games these days…

They don’t even have to enter a combat zone, they sit in the fucking chair in a building to do the fucking dirty work,

This ain’t the same fucking country anymore

Apparently India has changed all the rules because they got all the best positions and management positions now and Mexico coming in second place in America and I reckon Japan and China are under that list but Americans are way low down on the totem pole on jobs and that’s a fucking issue for me and a huge red flag 🚩 safety issue Trojan horse, this is fucking war, I’ve called it!

I mean it’s true I can’t live without you but I’m not going to lead you to doom

👀

I may be petite but I have a big big purpose

Policemen and soldiers have a way of listening to me 👀

I hope nothing has changed in this timeline

👀

There’s a problem when I’m being denied government work so that people from other countries can come over here and get those positions

And the rent kept going up so I had to use my thrift savings retirement fund and also the money I had in my savings account and I also had to max out my credit cards when I became homeless in 2017 because of the government furloughs and the government hiring freezes and I couldn’t pay my thousand dollar rent anymore and I didn’t have anybody to take care of me and when I reached out for help, every single person in my family turned a blind eye while I had to watch them make huge donations towards animal fundraisers on FaceBook

👀

So they had money to help out some animals but they didn’t have money to try to help me keep my vehicle that I had already put $18,000 in 👀

And I hate every single one of them and I hope they all burn and I hope that they know they are not welcome on my commune and they will not be receiving my help so don’t fucking come to me, they are also my enemy 🛑✋🛑

No blood allowed! 👀

Ain’t nobody going the tight places I can squeeze

God made me lethal but petite 👀

I’m also clumsy and not sure how I’ve already survived this long 👀

You should know that all my shit has been hacked into 👀

I turned off tracking everywhere but they’re still tracking me

And according to a recent article I read they will track you more when you request them not to track you 👀

Okay but that’s illegal!!! And I’m going to be asking for my data from a lot of organizations very soon and I hear they get grumpy about it!!

The places I’m going you probably shouldn’t come 👀

And I may make it extremely inaccessible to return

You can’t turn back

There’s no turning back where I’m to go 👀

Posted on September 24, 2021September 25, 2021 by poeeternal

Dead End Passage

He was hung by the slope
The sun was setting on every hope
And wrapped in iron, the illusion of choice
While succumbing to slaughter, very little to rejoice

Dreams were the thread by which he hung
And surely regret saturating the tongue
And in between chaos he circled the calm
While hanging from reason, he slipped into psalm

Welp. Tattoo his name on my heart.

John Jones RIP

And based on “the stench” comments and the fact the the cave was humid and he was sweating – leads me to believe he decomposed and his bones are laying at rest

But I want him out of that fucking cave

And I’d like to stuff Michael Leavitt in it instead 👀

Eye for an eye

(I wish I were better at things but I’ve only ever been average at most…)

I don’t understand my purpose here but it’s not India’s grand design

If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to disassociating

Look at my ship (this is how you enter a black hole) 👀

Posted on September 19, 2021September 21, 2021 by poeeternal · 1 Comment

The nebulizer (part two)

Every 6 hours they say

This is my life now since getting the Moderna vaxxx

I haven’t finished my nails yet 😌

Crawling to my death

It’s a bit underwhelming

Not impressed

But trying to give my body positive vibes for healing

I found myself in this mess because the CDC gaslit us about the “safety” of the Moderna vaccines. And they sat on information that they knew until enough people died that they had to put out a warning and they still didn’t include me in the age group of people with heart inflammation and I also have a left lung that isn’t inflating all the way

I also have a sac in my heart filled with fluid, presumably a heart clot (because that’s what these vaccines cause) or either the virus, either in which my body should absorb

I’m a fucking zombie now

But I knew you’d be too much of a coward to crawl in that fucking hole and rescue me and I also knew you’d probably not be able to end my suffering or stop me from dying from my mysterious death

So I jumped into this timeline to prevent that

I don’t know how many years it cost me but I’m not gonna live to see 50

End of dose 2

I don’t know if I’m gonna do this every six hours

But I got myself in this mess getting vaccinated

That doesn’t mean I deserve to fucking die

I probably will tho 👀

Heart failure

Cardiac arrest

And it’s going to hurt and the only thing I’ll be thinking about is the pain and oh shit this is the end

As that was my life every second when my heart swelled up and was having electrical charges (it was welding itself after a clot tried to pass on different occasions, and that in itself was a different pain entirely, also one of my paths got closed off, my body shut down, I was lethargic and cold, my heart didn’t see my skin as a vital organ, it was having difficulty pumping blood throughout my body, so I kept a heating pad on my heart which helped my anxiety, pain, and breathing, so my primary care doctor at the VA – who is a female doctor – told me to keep doing that and she ordered me a few different tests and when I showed up to a civilian clinic and told an Indian doctor that I was using the pad, m he told me the heating pad shouldn’t have any effect on my heart whatsoever – which is absolute bullshit, the heart is a fucking muscle, you fucking gaslighting, lying fucking asshole motherfucker, I’m onto all of y’all)

My body has appreciated good food and rest more so than doctor visits and testing

They gave me poison that said was safe and I believed them and then I found myself stuck and dying and now they’re giving me some more poison and they’re saying it’s going to get me better

👀

Do you remember when the pandemic started a couple years ago and I got struck by lightning in my jeep with my windows down at 80 miles an hour – that’s the day I jumped into this timeline and remember I was going on about Thor doing something to my heart to protect me or to wake me up hum hello

I maybe reading the map wrong

I’m making inaccurate calculations

There’s missing information

Is our universe inside a black hole?

Is this purgatory?

I’ve done this so many times I’m becoming aware?

Are we AI becoming aware?

Is the Great Filter upon us?

Are we the first or last of our kind?

I will never see you again in this form

I’m having a hard time letting you go

I’m having a hard time leaving you

But my breathing hurts

I made some bad choices that cost me my life

Even worse, I wasted all my good years on the wrong people

The wrong jobs

The wrong reasons

And even in my dying there are things in me wanting a chance at life

I’m still capable of making life

Like the salmon swimming upstream to her death

Laying her eggs one last time

There are atoms in me trying to pop into existence

My eggs bleed from me every month

Tell me stories and let me dream

The Great Dying has begun

Tell me your stories

Make me believe

Posted on September 18, 2021September 18, 2021 by poeeternal

Cheeky but alive

So I know the content has been slow incoming but I ain’t retiring yet 😷

And I appreciate you still having interest in the stuff I do

I put a lot of passion into everything I do, including my rants

I want to push more stuff out but ~~I’M TIRED~~ *ahem* dying

I’ve been procrastinating a lot today to avoid doing my ~~medication~~ *ahem* poison

I fucking hate chemicals and now they want me breathing it into my lungs every six hours and I feel like I’m crawling to my death 👀

And I’ve probably gained a lot of weight so I will get stuck

Because I’m eating but stopped working out back in April 😩

It’s not like I really have a choice

My heart and lungs just want food, sex, and rest

And apparently thinking something is the same thing as doing something so I’m getting a lot of you know… ahem rest 👀

Posted on September 16, 2021 by poeeternal

The Nebulizer

LOL so glad I opted to become a zombie cuz now I need shit to breathe

I attempted to put this together in a way that the botz wouldn’t mind

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRQT5tth/

Posted on September 15, 2021September 15, 2021 by poeeternal

John Jones

Have you ever had your chest caught on the lip of the earth?
And were you kicking in a panic reconsidering your worth?
Have you ever been so hollow the upside down became your perch?
And when all efforts were exhausted did you regret what you researched?

The story of how John Jones died in that cave hasn’t left my mind

Hands down, the scariest way to die. And he crawled into his grave. He tried Mother Earth on for size, and they became one. She wasn’t going to let him go.

Gravity scares the shit out of me.

We’re not meant to leave this Earth

I’m having feels

My doggy isn’t doing good and I reckon I ain’t either

Posted on September 14, 2021September 14, 2021 by poeeternal · 11 Comments

John Jones / Nutty Putty Cave (RIP)

I’ve been up two days now trying to understand why John Jones crawled into that fucking hole the way he did to his death and I have read article after article and I watched a movie on it and I’ve read blog posts on it and I have 1000% come to the conclusion that the manager Michael Leavitt is responsible for John Jones’ death due to narcissism and gaslighting

This is 1000% what bad management and gaslighting in the environment looks like

My two cents👇👇👇

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMR9g7KFL/

On a side-note, I have claustrophobia because I was inside an evil womb and experienced a period of consciousness while I was inside before I broke out into a world of narcissism and gaslighting and it’s no wonder I live in a fucking world of confusion and my third eye has a hard time tuning in to the correct frequency and vibrations

I’ve also came to the conclusion that I broke into this timeline to evade dying from my mysterious death via Big Pharma

Breaking into a timeline would take a lot of energy and speed like me moving 80 mph with 1000 bands of electricity fucking striking my vehicle with all its windows down

And you know this happened because I blogged about it for 2 weeks

I was mostly concerned that I didn’t have any iodine in the house and how much radiation I potentially took in

I was going on about how brother Thor was pinching me or waking me up

Well I have joined the great awakening and I am in the timeline that I need to be in right now

I’ve also come to the understanding that I’m on a different level of consciousness than other people who may be on a lower level plane of consciousness because they have different levels of learning that they need to do

There have been several times in my life I have predicted events to happen before they occurred and there are people witness to this

At first, I thought I was responsible because I thought it

But no

Everything that will happen has already happened

I’m only here to understand why I made the choice

I know how I’m going to die because it’s already happened but I jumped into this timeline to prevent my mysterious death occurring prematurely because of the fucking evil narcissism going on in the world- but hey – welcome to the great awakening, my name is Delia, I love you!

How am I going to die?

I’ve always felt it would be suicide or heart failure

I was depressed in the womb

I’m that program in the matrix doing what it’s not supposed to be doing!!!

Knock knock, Neo

The Great Filter is upon us!!!

And I get chill bumps all over my body including right now just for mentioning it!

Anytime I mention it or the great awakening I get chill bumps so that’s a sign that I’m tuned into the right frequency

John died due to the gaslighting that occurred at Nutty Putty cave

I feel like I’ve been stuck in that exact part of the cave

I feel like him and I come from the same being

He kept making grave mistake after mistake because he thought he was gonna wind up in a big grand opening, he thought he was in a different part of the cave that was never listed on the map and he made a lot of bad choices because it had been years since he’d been caving and he’d grown into a big boy

He didn’t deserve to die like that and two people got stuck in that same area but the management never did anything about it, they just kept gaslighting the entire population until someone died and it closed (His continuous victim blaming excuses, “they should’ve known, they should’ve known” but he left it off the fucking map!!!! Gaslighting!!! It doesn’t matter how fucking skilled you are at something, if somebody is gaslighting you that you fucking trust you make inaccurate decisions!!!

Instead of giving verbal warnings or even marking that section as unavailable

Instead, the manager victim blames until someone actually died and the cave was closed as John’s permanent tomb

I fucking hate you

I hate my mother and my sister too and I want to eradicate every fucking narcissist sniffing around this goddamn planet, even if it means eradicating culture

👀

Welcome to the Great Undoing 🙌

P.S. I even wrote him a little poem 😞

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMR9g7QAm/

Posted on September 3, 2021September 3, 2021 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

Forest

Why did you leave me in the forest
Now these lands are swamps
With soul sorest
Dead tree as prompts

I don’t know how to hang on to those who want to leave

I’m like a black hole with gravity to help them go

Weird dangerous events keep happening around me

Like glitches in the matrix

Like something keeps alerting me

I’m not understanding the messages/codes

The world is ending

This though I’m certain

But the 1% are racing to get off of this planet because Apophis is on her way to Earth

The Great Filter is among us

Earth is the hardest lesson in the galaxy to learn

Where will your soul be at your end

What level of consciousness are you stuck on

I’m in an alternate timeline

I’ve also known major events to happen before they’ve happened all my life and small events too

Are you asleep or part of The Great Awakening?

“Are you alive and have you been born”?

We will never be able to leave the galaxy or the solar system, not in this form

I love you!

Posted on June 29, 2021 by poeeternal · 1 Comment

Condemned

Your home should be condemned catastrophic condition
Like a monument of trash
Kept in first position

I think I may be a baby hoarder 👀

Like why do I have so much stuff 👀

Dying is fucking hard, I’ve been trying to get my affairs in order 👀

I always knew I was gonna die from heart troubles 👀

Told my kid that it’s not actually junk, it’s just all out and about 👀

My intellectual property is chaos 👀

That bill may be poetry scribbled 👀

I do it on toilet paper too 👀

Paper napkins 👀

Nothing is junk 👀

Although I could do with less clothes 👀

But I don’t actually know how to part with anything 👀

My kid said it’s because we’re poor and will never get it again 👀

Psychological and I do place attachments on things 👀

It’s not a t-shirt with a hole, it’s a memory 👀

And instead of fixing our hoarding issues, I told them that while it may feel overwhelming, they’d want the stuff. Put it in storage when I die until you can go through it. 👀

Don’t let anybody in the fam take advantage of your mental state after I die and take the stuff 👀

So I’ve contributed to their hoarding problem as well 👀

Albeit, I’m not actually hoarding trash but I haven’t been left alone with my own property, I’d probably have a tunnel dug to hell 👀

Trespassers shot on sight 👀

I am the dog 👀

Might catch me howling under the Moon 👀

Stood up too fast tonight and started slipping into death 👀

Shit getting real 👀

And my heart won’t stop hurting 👀

K, thanx, goodbye

Posted on June 27, 2021 by poeeternal

Dreamworld

Awake in a dreamworld
Frozen where feet curled
Am clinging where life occurred
Still wishing was his girl

I don’t know what lessons I’m supposed to be learning. If the lesson is love by not getting any love, then I accept my fate and am ready to die on the street.

If I’m still here because someone else hasn’t learned the lesson, can we hurry up?

I know things before they happen but yet still manage to make the wrong choices?

Because they were already decided before I took this form 👀

I’m here to teach you a lesson but who hath eyes to see?

Don’t fucking embalm me when I die, don’t fucking cremate me, don’t fucking embalm me

I don’t think the bugs will eat my hair

I want my bones to take 10,000 years to decay

Don’t let them embalm me!

I don’t want to be preserved!

I want to recycle into the Earth.

It’s pretty fucking simple and Florida allows you to be buried on your own land

I can have my own little family cemetery, it’ll be a cemetery of fucking one just like my life but whatever all I need to do is buy my plot of land

I don’t even need to have cemetery space

I’m gonna have my own goddamn land bitches were my body can be buried because Florida allows you to bury yourself on your land

I can crawl into my own fucking ditch and die

Plant an apple tree by the cemetery

It’s cheaper to buy land for me to live on than cemetery space to be buried

But, I can be buried on my land

Two stones, one bird

wait… err other way 👀

Posted on May 11, 2021 by poeeternal · 8 Comments

“Heart attacks and miscarriages”

“blown vocal cords” 😩

https://kutv.com/news/coronavirus/covid-19-vaccine-side-effects-deaths-the-lack-of-information-on-how-where-to-report

And yeah, I had to yell at my nurse to take this shit seriously and not give me the common side effects listed by the CDC.

The illuminati own Big Bro and Big Internet

But it’s nice to finally start finding some articles that haven’t been paid or promoted by the CDC or WHO

It’s by some miracle I’m still alive.

I was fucking dying that first night you came to see me.

My BP dropped because it had to carve a new path to work.

My BP keeps dropping because those Moderna shots have fucked me up.

The only reason I’m still alive is because he did come to see me.

He put me in some sort of trance.

He removed my fears and took my mind (mostly) from the pain.

And I was telling him, “I’m sorry my energy levels are so low”.

I’m fucking dying

👀

Wanted to watch the sun go down on the beach Friday night and I thought it was gonna be my last because my body core temperature started dropping so low that I could no longer sit on the sand.

I was so lethargic I thought I was about to just lay down and go to sleep and never wake up and it was really scary to think that I could just die right there with all those strangers around and so I immediately got up and went the fuck home and got in my bed and back under my fucking heating pad because I was freezing. By 8:30 I was back home in bed on a Friday night. Lame 👀

Wednesday after freezing under my heating pad for 3 hours – I took a solid hot bath – 10 minutes into that hot bath my skin felt cold as a dead body.

I might die from this.

It’s a miracle I’m still alive.

I’m bonded to him and it’s not because he bought me pizza – but he did buy me pizza and now I’m his wife.

He’s stuck with me.

👀

That’s the rules in an apocalypse.

You buy her pizza and she’s yours.

👀

(I feel closer to him than anyone in the entire world and I don’t know who he is)

👀

And I’m currently that salmon swimming upstream.

I gots to find my mate before I die

(I was meant to have another 40+ years)

*warning* If you have underlying health issues you’re playing Russian roulette if you get any of the vaccinations

1984 is now

Stay woke

Because I can barely keep my eyes open due to extremely low energy levels after receiving Covid vaccinations

I can’t even watch a fucking sunset

👀

Posted on May 3, 2021May 4, 2021 by poeeternal

IO

He moves through me like rain pattering
Thunder rumbling
Dim lights reflecting from wet pavement
A calm serenity in the early A.M.
The soft sound of a match flicking
An in your face, after hours, door down kicking

He gets me thinking
Every atom increasing
Over wide expanse
To find me dreaming

Sometimes silently screaming
Can he even hear me?
Why am I always seething?
The endless bleeding
Month after month
He’s all I’m needing

Come back to me
The garden is empty now
There’s nothing to sow

Twisted twigs removed of thorn
Every step is filled with scorn

Blood and rust becomes the norm
Evil’s made and evil’s born

The sun will rise tomorrow true
But she won’t give a fuck about you

I’m not where I’m meant to be
I’m forgetful how
You said you’d never desert me in vow

When you’ve been given the hand as a pawn
So you shake the tree to see how hard a king could fall
Because death follows you all around
And fits your head like it’s a crown

Tell them I died of inexperience
Disappeared into dust and this
Nothingness
I am delirious
Feasting on nefarious
Darkness
Arrest bliss
So restless

Half dead
Half alive
Feet dragging in circles
But got throttle to survive

I’m scared
And I have no one to tell
My orders they aren’t in order
And the place looks like hell

I keep organizing disorder
In clusters of equal color
And piling to the ceiling
The clippings of my horror

But then, falling to a clutter
Every single note he said
I found it in the gutter
Where all my tears flood instead
(And fears instead of wonder)

I play slip and slide in the mud
A word I rarely utter
With thunder lightning mixed with blood
With prayers less to suffer

Wrapped in heated wool and fear

Coyotes yipping at me to stay alive
Or to die
I can’t tell a difference half the time

The fog is thicker
But my heart is wearing thinner
And I’m sick of winter
Freezing in the sun
My hope’s a killer
Stealing every grain of fun
And he made fear a winner

The heart isn’t waterproof
And my anger
Is lit up like a sunroof
I’m in danger
So I’m acting like a goof
I will hold your wager
And toss it off the roof
While you call a stranger
Thinking they can protect you

👀

If you cringe at everything you do or say
Maybe it’s because you are corrupt in a way?

I need a break from routine
From sunup to sundown
24/7
The constant dying
The endless trying
One moment to another
More yearning and crying

Tidal distortion
Everywhere he’s been
Pulled from proportion
He’s good at sneaking in
Speaks in third person
Night is on his chin

I got blood on my favorite shirt
Tell my heart it’s not the reason we’re hurt
I cover wound with a bit of dirt
I can’t recall when I wasn’t this burnt

Why did you leave? I ripped my heart open for you.

We need a heat source
Heat is life
Get me to the light
(Warmth is nice)

He went like a wave
And I caught in undertow

Give me a box
To store my bones
Let me have peace
They’ll find a home

Everybody unhinged
Don’t give a shit
On anger we’ve binged
So full of it
I’m bright, I’m lit

I’m always last at the end of a road
The last in line
Last picked
My house is cold

Two days go by
It feels a year
My hope runs dry
But not these tears

Did I not wait with contempt
As the hourglass filled with time
Every grain of sand with you on my mind
Was I ever worth an attempt?

How can a moon erupt?
How long ‘til I give up?
Will volcanic ash spew in the wake of my dust?
How can a moon corrupt?

He makes me desperate
Feeling as if I am his least favorite
But then he comes from comets swinging giving me the greatest gifts
His words and his virtual kiss
Then I forget
I’m not his favorite

I called to him under darkened sky
He arrived in a meteor shower
With desire on display

Why won’t you grant me my last wish even dying?

Thank you for your support! I ordered something off of my DollsKill wishlist! 😍

https://www.dollskill.com/wishlist/shared/index/code/6aff5297b64c912c59c1dbb9379c25f0/

I fucking hate giving away surprises but I’m terrible with secrets! 🤪

Some secrets. 🤪

I may be dying but I wanna look hella good doing so.

Selected the overnight shipping.

I feel like shit and it hurts to breathe.

But, I bought something from a favorite store and I hope it fits.

The makeover continues through the dying.

On with the show…

(But someone please explain to me why I’m not allowed to smoke a menthol cigarette anymore)

*Tries to remember the type of cigarette Brandon Lee was smoking on his deathbed during his final scene in The Crow*

*lights menthol*

*takes puff*

I read the FDA is banning these things – and of course they would ban them during the apocalypse – anything to make life more hell.

(I rarely ever smoke anymore but when I do it’s the menthol. I had some tiny puffs. Like 4). Just felt like being rebellious. I’m dying. 🤢

“If I got rid of my demons, I’d miss my angel”

The Illuminati took you too didn’t they 😫

Posted on April 30, 2021April 30, 2021 by poeeternal

Matters of the heart

Feeling like I cannot take a breath
Or if I do, maybe it will spell death
All these tree lines, they have marked my wrath
Telling the truth, that’s my only path

Fun day in the ER.

Now I know why people wanna die in their own bed.

The hospital is the last place I wanna cross over.

If you’re disabled, elderly, or immune challenged, stay the fuck away from those vaccines.

Wear your mask.

Be the one “unvaccinated” in the small gathering.

Or stay home.

Wear your mask. It offers the same amount of protection as these vaccines do without the health risks involved.

Yeah?

Posted on April 29, 2021 by poeeternal

I don’t have the heart to tell you

Health update

Doc says my EKG doesn’t look good. And I’ve been having heart issues lately. She says one chamber looks enlarged and one looks closed off. Just an FYI because not all disabilities are visible. Depression isn’t my only ailment. I hope you’ll excuse how shitty I look, I’m on bed rest and between doctor visits. Wanna get back to working out and cosplay soon – But I just received this news this morning about my EKG results and I’m still trying to process the news. I just returned from seeing my doctor and I’m pending being scheduled for an ultrasound. She started me on aspirin as well. She said I’m too young for this and she doesn’t like how my EKG looks.

I have a constant pain there too – knowing that it could potentially be because it’s a chamber torn is freaking me out. So I’m trying not to get into my head and into my anxiety.

So to sum things up, two of the chambers of my heart are questionable and of concern for my doctor.

I have been having chest pains and I can feel pressure in my heart. Sometimes I can feel blockages or like maybe I have blood clots.

I don’t have the heart to tell you that I’m dying

Regret?

Yeah.

Only one thing I really want before I die.

His kiss.

And a box for my bones.

I had the bullets in the chamber though didn’t I

Moderna was Russian roulette but the CDC hadn’t released the information regarding blood clots and I know it’s happening in Moderna too, I mean I’m fucking proof….

I was complaining of heart issues and potential blood clots with my doctor and she prescribed me aspirin but I’m convinced now Moderna is to blame.

There’s always going to be casualties of war.

I told you I was out here in the trenches didn’t I.

Didn’t I?

So now I’m telling you don’t get the fucking shot if you already have heart issues and are experiencing blood clot issues unless you want to play Russian roulette with the vaccine and blow your fucking heart out like I’ve done

I didn’t know the vaccine was causing blood clot issues prior to me getting dose one and and all assured I was good to go for dose two even though my blood pressure fucking dropped.

Woo hoo hold on BB!!! The end is near!

Check make for the New World Order because they won’t have to pay me any more if I fucking die

I won’t be a fucking crutch on the system anymore will I

More money in their fucking pockets to play on the fucking yachts

Casualties of war!!!!

The unknown soldier!

They got me!

Knocked out whaaaa 40 + years of my life? With a fucking vaccine I knew was too fucking new and risky to do.

I FUCKING KNEW

*tries not to go fucking crazy and destroy everything in my home that I’ve worked for

*tries not to jump off a fucking bridge

Moderna is to blame and my shitty eating habits during this fucking quarantine

Modern medicine don’t mean shit if you’ve lost your will to live

Or can’t even get into the fucking VA for a fucking ultrasound when you got two chambers in your heart fucked up

Moderna IS to blame

Oh and now we can gather in small crowds with people vaccinated and unvaccinated like fucking Russian roulette.

👀

I just threw away 40 years of my fucking life over a vaccine

Posted on April 7, 2021 by poeeternal

One Trick Pony

Am I to blame for wanting more?
Than the cold reign of TV
The fake personality
A one trick pony?

Growing old is under siege
A wrinkle in time, a dying breed
Apophis has her name tattooed on thee
I am erratic equally

She is roaring from the deep
Is that her I dream?
The falling, the swirling is all I see
We’re in hell if you believe

Missing connection

Posted on March 18, 2021March 18, 2021 by poeeternal · 1 Comment

Ivory

If needle and thread
I am ivory instead
Got fusion in lead
Can’t forget what you said
Can’t get words outta my head
Wish I wasn’t feeling dead
Then I wouldn’t feel this dread
I’m so lonely I’m avoiding bed
It’s like I’m looking at my own death
Exhaling cold breath
And more skin to shed
It’s like I’m looking at my own bed

Haven’t been able to sleep in my bed since I learned my dad died in his.

The floor. The couch. No sleep at all. But fuck that bed. I don’t want any part of it.

We’re talking wha… uhhh… 3 months or so of me avoiding my bed.

To be honest, I haven’t found any place yet worth dying…

Mars maybe. In fact. It’d be worth the adventure.

Better than dying in a fucking bed.

That’s the dream, eh? 😏

I’m ready to board off my bedroom.

Put up a no entry sign.

Posted on February 25, 2021February 25, 2021 by poeeternal

A Trail of Hopelessness (mini rhymes)

You are the cold porcelain
I keep laying in

This way to sorrow
This way to despair
This way to desolation
This way to nobody cares

Was that your shadow leaping over my dream?
What were you thinking while abandoning me?

The system is rigged everywhere
Just leave me where I fell

The world is a drainpipe
There’s not enough pills to gaslight
It’s a battlehill
And you make me ill

Was your vein not thick with poison
Blood curdled and coagulated
I pulled out every thorn
Your heart turned into a floodgate

I need 1 sun-moon cycle where I’m not disturbed
24 hours of peace preferred

How easy he would come to me
But what would he find?
Scars and bits of broken pieces
Unfiltered creases
The ugly kind?

I don’t care about your joyrides
Or do I?

What will I be known for?
How I died?
Suicide?
But never the reasons for why I cried?

Dear Mother,

You only taught me how to suffer

Didn’t I write words of worth
When you were nothing more than a
speck of dust
When any sun would bring you dirt
I took the pain and made it work
When all the world thought you a jerk
I drank the blood and made you smirk
When you were nothing on this on this earth
I turned your no into a must

Drowning on rage
Too much air in this cage

Warning signs were posted
I suppose they go ignored
He was a Japanese suicide forest
And hope unexplored

How much times passes while you collate?
Working around the second hand
What kills the ache?
Was it your best move?
Or the worse you’ll ever make?

Harvest my disgust
It’s fully ripened
Polish off the dust
You’ll find a diamond

Had about 6 meltdowns today. I’m radioactive. I’m not okay? 🤔

Has anyone else been feeling like they’re in some sort of deja-vu zone? Aloof?

Thanks for checking out my blog and for supporting content creators!

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Posted on February 19, 2021February 19, 2021 by poeeternal

Between the Lines (after midnight poetry; literally my thing)

Reading between the lines like it is air
Words rammed down my throat
He doesn’t care
The only thing left certain
Life isn’t fair

It’s coming
Blood
And reason for not running
The sun is cunning
And every bullet gunning
For his lies

Watch hope paralyze
Synonyms wrapped around her thighs
An angry moon gone
How tides rise
Lost in the etheral never
A downside

Removing stingers from my pride
Every dawn that’s coming
A death guide
The way graves are overturning
A dead bride

And do they come in three? A suicide?

Something I learned in college when I was studying psychology, year after year after year (and then I earned my science degree and loads of debt. Knowledge is expensive. Here’s some free).

Suicides always come in 3 and the more popular a person is who dies by suicide, the more suicides will occur or be triggered.

And that stuck with me. Because my best friend died by suicide. But two months before she died her first boyfriend and the first guy she ever kissed died by suicide and they are buried near each other. Several years after they died, her mom died by suicide. Now all three are dead and buried near each other in the cemetery (mom and daughter side to side – fucking gut me).

“Suicide comes in three”.

But then think about how the Bible is brainwashed onto loads of the population and we are lovebombed with Christianity as young children; one story they shame us with is the story of Judas and suicide. The narcissist wants your money so bad be it via porn or religion, that they will make you believe by gaslighting your existence, that dying by suicide is actually criminal in the afterlife.

GET IN THE FUCKING SEA

These narcissist will destroy everything about your reality and take your money while doing so. They have no remorse. They live rent free.

We’re slaves to the 1%. Life is a mental torture prison. I want out.

So I think about death and dying by suicide, every second of the day, every breath I take.

But then there’s an actual fear of dying.

It’s complicated.

And just because someone is always “struggling with depression”, doesn’t mean they can’t “die by suicide”.

I struggle with the same mental illness that many I have loved or respected in life have died by. Including my best friend.

I have hesitation marks all over my veins. I’m glad you think my gloves are pretty (no really I do). But underneath, scars are ugly. But which scars am I talking about? The deep rooted or physical ones?

I’ve been wanting to get some words by Gavin Rossdale (in his handwriting) tattooed over my arm, but the world has been shut down, I haven’t been able to get to any gigs, and the last gig that I attended on my birthday, I completely forgot to ask him when I was in front of him because, hormones. *rolls eyes*

I have talked about this shit on Twitter tagging him, it’s not the first time I’ve talked about the scars on my arm. Or wanting the tat, with his lyrics, over or covering some or all of the scars/ hesitation marks. Trent had it right. And I have ‘Hesitation Marks’ by Nine Inch Nails on vinyl, because I am a fucking Nine Inch Nails whore and Trent Reznor is the only dude I’ve ever asked to marry me, hello.

I mean I think I’m bad around Gavin Rossdale but I think that I might actually cry or pee if I ever met Trent Reznor. We’ve had our concert moments tho. And the NIN archives have our online thangs. Like, that time message boards existed and Trent Reznor actually talked to his fans and I submitted a question to him asking him if he would marry me along with the musical questions and no, he did not say no. Or yes. He was flattered. And answered my music questions. Anyhoo. Nothing lasts on the internet forever unless you are Trent Reznor – who likes to control the “leaks” of his music. Sometimes he does this by leaving a drive in a bathroom.

So I just had to stop what I was doing because my cat made me have a mental breakdown and having a cat and dog in an apartment is the exact definition of insanity and if they don’t find a new home, they’re going to become victims.

I’m so homicidal and suicidal, I don’t want anything around me. I would rather jump off a fucking bridge, than to have to deal with my cat or dog ever again.

And this isn’t a startling revelation, it’s been building up for over three years of us living here in this fucking hellzone hostile environment that I’m not going to be able to escape from anytime soon. Circumstance has ruined us. And I lost my service dog after my giant neighbor decided to chase my dog all over the apartment complex parking lot. He hasn’t been the same since and I can’t fucking deal with him anymore.

They aren’t my companions anymore and they haven’t been my companion in years, they are fucking nightmares and I’m living in it day in and day out and I am at my wit’s end, like, I need some peace and quiet.

This isn’t what I signed up for. My muscle and bones are beginning to fail me (aging yay), my doctor has issued me a fucking cane, and my pets won’t stay out from under my feet. At first, I didn’t want them scared of my cane but maybe they need to fear it.

God forbid I ever wanna dash to the bathroom. Or sleep. Or take a nice, quiet bath.

Whatever they’ve turned into is the exact opposite of what I need. I’ve disconnected. Maybe this is part of dying or because my mother is an unnurturing bitch BUT all I know is my peace of mind has been destroyed. And now they are my enemies. Day in, day out.

I could avoid these meltdowns if I were alone (like really fucking alone) or had a normal dog and cat. That’s not a dog or cat.

I can’t even take my dog for a walk anymore because he’s scared to go outside, imagine not even being able to take your dog outside anymore. I mean it’s driving me literally fucking mad, it’s driving me homicidal, people are fucking destroying things that I love and I don’t want anything anymore because what the fuck. Fuck everything.

What part of, I JUST WANT PEACE AND QUIET AND TO WRITE, is hard to understand????

Jesus Christ, it was 3:30 in the morning. I can’t even get it then. I need compromise. And animals that are fucking domesticated.

My cat now tears up everything she touches. Loves to dash out under my feet. Screams really loud if her food bowl is near empty. I’m not exaggerating, she has made me and my dog jump up from sleep several times and I’m a war vet. I have to deeply, severely medicate to get any sleep at all, if I’m lucky.

I’m not allowed to shut any of the doors in the house or my cat goes crazy. She thinks everything is hers. She may be the definition of evil. She’s making me fucking primal.

And yes my doctor knows all this. He knows I’m growing SICKER with every breath. Which is why he continues to write me a prescription. But you can lead a horse to water, you just can’t make him drink it.

I know exactly how Chris Cornell felt, when his life was wrapped around his belt and he was pushing that button on that app, to make the lights go on and off, yeah?

And this was directly after a sold out show.

Love isn’t enough. There’s just not enough love in the world. For this reality. This mental, torture prison that we are a slave to. There’s not enough REAL people in the world. Too many monsters. Too much narcissism. Too much lying. Too much fakery. Too much slavery. Suicide says, “too much”. Let the records show.

Just a pinprick can send me into fits of homicidal and suicidal rage, followed by the guilt of existence and crying. Mood swings. It’s odd tho, the thing I likely need the most is a hug to calm me down. I don’t have a safe place.

I don’t have a safe place anywhere, anymore. Or peace of mind. And my ride is down until I save for repairs. But I don’t have a dime to save because everything is going to the cost of living. Rent increase starts next month. Even though all the amenities have been closed down since April of last year when the pandemic started.

Too much.

Every day alive is a crucifixion living with depression, awoke and in a world of gaslighting, psychopathic demons with zero remorse for the things they say or do. But now if I kill a spider because I’m scared of it, I cry.

I’m not even a number. People die and disappear forever. No tomb to erode over time. Poof. Like atoms popping into and out of existence.

Too much.

It’s a pink crystal for health and healing but I can’t find a quiet zone anywhere, at any time, to meditate. Manic.

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Posted on February 11, 2021February 11, 2021 by poeeternal

Walking

I’m walking into landmines
Tiptoeing over his lines
Misreading every sign
Watching existence decline

No matter what step I take, it’s always the wrong one.

I never had a proper upbringing, I guess I won’t have a fucking honorable death either will I?

I’d be lucky to have 7 people attend my funeral (like dear Edgar A. Poe) and I guarantee 5 of em’ will be my enemies there to celebrate my death and piss on me.

It’s a good thing I’m going to fucking drown myself in the sea.

Problem solved. And 1 mysterious death in bound.

Checkmate.

This time, I AM GHOSTING YOU.

Scouting an old cemetery in Florida yesterday

Went exploring an old cemetery yesterday in an attempt to do an upcoming cosplay shoot. It took my dad dying for me to learn that not everybody gets a tomb or a grave. 👍

I’m going through some heavy shit right now (alone and during a pandemic) so if you’re out there punishing me… 👎👎

It’s not even called a cemetery, it’s called a mount (a hill). I walked up that mount yesterday looking at tombs that have been destroyed with time and hurricanes, some abandoned and others well kept.

I don’t know why I assumed that everyone got a tomb when they died, but they don’t. Ash become many in the wind.

I still have a lot to learn about death. Realizing my dad wasn’t going to get a tomb after how he died was a big fucking light bulb.

My dad had been dead for days before he was found and you don’t know what that sort of information does to a human being.

And then reading how Edgar Allan Poe’s families just tossed him in an unmarked grave in a fucking box ho ho ho.

So life sucks. Dying sucks. And death sucks too.

When I was a kid me and my grandmother would travel around and visit different cemeteries and look at the tombs, seeing entire famalies buried on the same day, and imaging how they must have died. Sometimes she would catch me in the hole of where someone had been buried but was moved due to racism and segregation which still occurs in Mississippi. She thought it weird but I liked the smell. I still like to wander cemeteries though, reading the tombs and visiting the dead.

But it seems being buried is for the rich. And eventually Earth isn’t even going to exist. It does my mind in.

You’re a slave, Neo.

I don’t have anybody to love me while I’m alive so why can I assume that there will be anybody to love me when I’m dead…

I don’t know if I can endure another X amount of years of existence being invisible or soley alive to pay bills and be nothing more than a toy or sex object.

Depression awareness. I’m not okay.

Posted on February 8, 2021February 8, 2021 by poeeternal · 3 Comments

Fragments

Take the air from where I breathe
He will never notice me

There you go again
Breaking my heart
For just a thrill
It’s overkill

A thousand times over
You have made your point
And I know
I am never what you sought
Though lurking
I am aching where you haunt
Through searching
Though every tear was bought

Age of despair
But like an ember
I flare him up
Because I care
And I’ve no defense
From getting burned everywhere

I was in alliance with ineptitude

Love is like the beginning and the end. Alpha omega. I love you. I’ll kill you. But I love you forever.

You look like you are dying
Bu you are already dead

As above, so below
My aura is here to glow

This great depression.

There will be no headstone
No grave
From life to dust
I’m not okay (RIP daddy)

Where are you?
In every molecule?
The early morning dew?
The air I breathe on lonely avenue?

Where are you?
If not but in every dream I dream?
Clinging to the in-between?
Wondering if I can be seen?

All God is woe.

My bed is overrated.

I don’t know where to begin so I’d rather not start at all…

Where have the best years of my life gone

At 26,000 light-years away, it’s the closest we’ve ever been-
And if regret is a singularity, it’s finally creeping in (re: black hole)

I got cigarette burns on my skin
Black holes where he’s been
There’s cold creeping in
A hundred reasons why I sin

You’re just her whipping boy
You’re a tool
You want to be her toy
You’re a fool

I know not what holds him here
I am a dry sponge, brittle
The way time taunts me
Like I am little

Give me a veil
Let’s rest in hell

I got secrets that would disown me
The way he’s unholy
Still that’s my only

I wish Sagittarius A* would put on his parking breaks
Throw me into another galaxy if that’s what it takes

I am a living statue
To darkness, his bride
(Well that’s a lie)
Still isn’t he by my side?

It’s so dark on the inside
Maybe why I cry

Banned under the same sunbeam
From things I’ve seen
Those things I’ve seen are haunting me

Take away the ray
Take away the ray
It’s burning

Chained to existence
Wishing I didn’t remember you
That’s coming too
I won’t remember who

My eyes are sunspots
Turning grey
From things you say

Married to hopelessness
Decay
Mourning
Sorrow
Despair
Isolation
Loneliness
Quantum confusion
Heartache
Wilderness
Wonder
Beauty
Longing
Truthfulness
Purity
Humanity
All entities
The air we breathe
The hope we seek
The light we keep

She built an empire on a pyramid scheme. She’s an evil queen.

The world can burn for all I care.

Sometimes
Even under soft moons
Or enduring high noons
There will be casualties of war

And even when I face doom
And circling is his tomb
I believe there is love within his core

He’s been charged with possession of stolen property; my heart.

In the beginning there was nothingness. Now in the end, nothing is.

The only lines I cross are rhyme.

You are the cold emptiness of space
Absolute zero
You are the reason I lay in waste
You’re not a hero

Come to me
By frothy sea
Shine your light
I fancy thee

I was born into confusion
Believe this, believe that
It’s all delusion
Best theory or illusion

I’m so much better than that flock of shit you summon
Your mouth is the opposite direction I am running
Your lies only come by the dozen
You can knock but you can’t come in
The darkness covers all but it’s my coven
You ain’t welcome here again

You fool
How desolate and awkward your thoughts lead you
Rising plumes of gloom
And I an idiot more
To watch how hope you consume
Bereft of pulse
A necrophiliac
You lifted pen then I had life
But then you call creation strife
But I died again after witnessing your child and wife

I’m a rib from your side
A curse like Dracula’s bride
Or Bonnie and Clyde
I drink your love like cyanide
Mixed with hope and rhyme

I am a dead sea
A red sea
A bad seed
Devolving
Unsolving
Dead, see?

Death do us part

I’m tired of defending my actions against your lies
From sunup to sundown I am wise
I can see clearly with these eyes
You can’t erase these cries

Loving him is a sentence to death row.

Why does my love always cause destructive tidal waves?

Did you know mountains were resting on your shoulder named envy?
You let me crash on your soul in frenzy
I’m dizzy
Did you not need me?

Did you know moons were glowing with envy?
Heartache cost not a penny
But I got plenty
If you need any?

Distance is
The love we keep
And even further
The solution we seek

Life’s a waiting room
Give my wound a womb
Erase the moon
Erect my tomb
You are full doom

Now I owe you nothing
Soul paid
I’m reduced to hurting

Oh! What heavens I could reach with your arms!

Did you know when I look up I find you stargazing into my soul
You know where every prayer goes

Dear Edgar,
I can’t live without my love either
But he is lost in the ether
I can’t reach him neither

Edges of time his mind
I go missing every time
His rhyme
Holding me to crime
His line
Wishing on a dime

Not everyone is created equal
Like the ones who pull out fast then take it slow
Those aren’t my kind of people

Sometimes, I climb into the ether where we met
Heaven is risky but I took the step
You feel like eternity in an instance
Gotta keep our distance

Digiart of & by (lyrics by NIN)

Digiart of & by (lyrics by NIN)

Thanks for checking out my blog and for supporting Indie artists!

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Posted on January 22, 2021January 22, 2021 by poeeternal · 1 Comment

Protege

I’m like his protege
Whispers in decay
Messages like ballet
Asks if I’m okay

Says I am babe
And I make his day
Take his sky from grey
Wants to see me slay

He points me to Broadway
They got the fee to pay
Says I outta play
I’m like his protege

Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.

Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.

I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.

Not everybody wants me to die.

FYI.

Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).

We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).

I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.

I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.

I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?

I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.

Tacos. I desire tacos.

And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.

Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…

I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.

I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!

I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!

I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.

And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.

So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.

I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.

I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.

But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.

I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.

Hormones.

I’m moody. Edgy.

Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.

It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.

I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.

I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.

I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.

Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.

Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.

Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.

Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!

Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.

Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?

Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!

My official boarding pass for the upcoming rover landing to Mars. It’s also nice that we’re starting to have more successes landing on Mars than we are failures. Which might account for the planned manned missions. Woit. Gotta stay alive for this. Right? This is the kind of roses that makes me really excited. Lifeeeee universe nerdy things 😍

Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. 😊 He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.

My Mars One profile: https://community.mars-one.com/profile/34d6acb7-ade0-4c59-b462-f41d636512d7

And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/

I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0

And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…

This conversation went EVERYWHERE. LOOK SQUIRREL!

Posted on January 21, 2021 by poeeternal

The Sun

I know the sun will never set on me
I only receive light from envy
I know my birth was not well received
Why true love was never achieved

I know why hope is deceived
And why lungs can hardly breathe
I know why razor lays unsheathed
Where faces will never grieve

Posted on January 20, 2021January 20, 2021 by poeeternal · 3 Comments

The Nameless

You left messages in the clouds
When all your sky was dread
So I withdrew the shrouds
And colored rainbow instead

You said the crop was dry
And maybe even dead
So I sprinkled hope heaven high
And let the fire spread

From eternal hope love’s leaning
To your soul it is grain
And if my love has any meaning
Then these words are open plains

I swore I heard a blue bird singing
He had such sweet refrain
But then I woke from dreaming
And couldn’t name your name

I mean, I just freestyle wrote this. What. Stop rhyming? I mean, like maybe after I die. MAYBE.

Posted on December 19, 2020December 22, 2020 by poeeternal · 19 Comments

One Day

There might come a time, on some lonely and cold evening
When you feel your life had no meaning
You were never nothing in her mind

I hope one day you can remember
After all the chills colder than December
You were the field she could unwind

When on shoulders death you take to leaning
And so to life desperately clinging
You were the reason her wing refined

So if you fall to death not believing
Until an angel comes intervening
She’ll be the hand you fall behind

Death and dying brings out so many emotions. When facing mortality, those big questions on the purpose of life come about, and often the non-religious will find comfort in religion. A lot of atheist will find God in the end and this actually happened to one of my favorite bands, Peter Steele, who found God in his end. You can watch videos of him talking about it on YouTube and read about it in articles. I still have a hard time listening to Type O Negative since Peter Steele died and they’ve been one of my favorite bands since I was 16. He was only 48 when he died. I’m 42. Welp. This is my last decade. I will not make it to 50. At this point surviving 2020 will be a fucking miracle.

I still don’t know if I said what I was trying to say because I was busy crying and blowing my nose.

I was trying to say that you saved my life and gave it meaning, when all the world had shunned me away on my darkest days.

I was trying to say something like, ‘you were there for me in my end, so I’ll be there for you in yours’ (whether by faded memory, poetry, or physical form).

Slept in me makeups and then washed it all off with me tears.

When you think that your life doesn’t matter, remember that you made mine matter. You gave me sight and purpose. You opened my soul. You saved one of God’s precious angels.

I can’t write like the greats but we are definitely a modern day Romeo and Juliet. 😭😭😭

Wait… Except, nothing you write is for me so just forget everything I just said… brain injury > fantasy head

You make me write the most ridiculous, mushy poetry though. It’s all relative (see what I just did). You matter.

I forever heart you.

If this damn disease doesn’t kill me something will. I just wish I could be hearing your stories in my end, or at the very least, your heartbeat (with my head on your chest as I take my final breath). Not asking for much, am I? 😫😭😭😭

If this is your first time coming to my blog, I’m pretty certain I have better pictures and videos of me than of me crying. But whatev.

My writing career is going to go one of two ways, either I’m going to keep doing it or I’m going to pack it all in. If you’d like to support me, you know where and how. I’m still past due on bills and need to eat but whatever.

Laughing stock of zee world…

Posted on December 7, 2020December 7, 2020 by poeeternal · 12 Comments

The Other End Of Sorrow

Hi. Some have asked about my activity (or lack thereof). My dad died. I still don’t know the cause of death and there’s legal matters still to attend.

Today is his birthday and I want to celebrate life.

A smile is all I can do.

When I surface for air, and see my blog readers, my followers, my patrons and my subs, it invites me to keep going. But, I gotta deep dive a bit longer. And I appreciate the life support I do.

If you could keep your fingertips on me a bit longer, I fancy the stars and the moon (also helps keep me from drowning).

I paused my Patreon campaign for the month of December, my patrons will not be charged.

I’m posting some photos and videos on my OnlyFans but I have not been in a mood to write.

Thank you for your understanding while I take some time for myself to reflect on the meaning of life.

But also while I deal with life. I am facing things in life I never considered or prepared for.

Like my dads last words to me via his will and testament.

I am still awaiting the arrival of that plus news of his autopsy report. 😭

I just need time to not do anything. And not doing anything still consists of having to take care of my pets and bathe and eat and it’s about all I can muster right now.

My last conversation with my dad was an angry one and I didn’t even give him an opportunity to respond.

I have that cross to bear as well.

I’m going through some shit right now.

The only thing I need right now is time.

Time to cry.

Time to breathe.

Time to grieve.

Time to be.

But, some people use this time to kick me while I’m down. I see you. I read your slights.

I see everything which is generally why I like to be alone.

I’ll get back to writing and creating artsy videos and vampire cosplay soon, it’s what I do. I’m a content creating machine.

2021 is a year of transformation for me, that’s the good ole’ plan anyway. More tattoos, more piercings, more newds. Getting a new wardrobe too.

I’m gonna be hella active, I hope you stick around. I got big plans for my Patreon and my OF.

My blog is my lifeline. Not gonna quit writing anytime soon. Sometimes just need to bury my head in the sand.

Which is a better option than drowning myself in the ocean because we get a thousand pound Great White visitor from Australia that visits us here. I’m sure I’d be a tasty treat.

I don’t get in the ocean because there are fish in there with teeth bigger than me. 👀

I’m petite. 👀

(But also vampire daylight sun gross)

If you need more of me though, there’s currently over 280 photos, 75 videos, and lots of love on my OnlyFans! 💋

I’m coming up with more ways to reward you for your love. Give love, get love. And I’m behind on writing (per my own standards) but life happens and currently life.

I still have bills to pay and food to eat so your support is helping another human exist. It all goes back into the art. It nurtures my soul. I miss you too.

You can come lie in the dark with me if you want. But the gravity will make you cry.

xoxo still alive xoxo

Posted on November 23, 2020November 23, 2020 by poeeternal · 1 Comment

Into Darkness

Where am I to go
When life without you is all I’ll know
A galaxy out of control
A black hole forming in my soul

And how the skies envy her reign
I am lost all the same
Keep calling your name
Though I don’t know where to aim

Directionless, still my compass points to you
North, south, east, west; you’re all I’m into
Or how the space inside grew
When away you flew

Leaving me an island of despair
I’ve laid my soul out bare
Drowning on too much air
Believing you’ll never care

My love, pull the lights from me please
Have mercy
Into darkness help me ease
Give me eternal sleep

Let my heart be your final resting place.

Give me death or you

My LinkTree will take you places: https://linktr.ee/poeeternal

Posted on November 11, 2020November 11, 2020 by poeeternal · 1 Comment

Don’t Die

It’s a weird place to be
Not with, not without
But if you drift into the big sleep
I would stop existing
It’s without a doubt
Like leaving the galaxy
I couldn’t breathe
So I shout
How could you leave?
Abandon me?
You’re all I need

I love you in any realm, all over Earth, and this town. When I’m up or down, sideways, or stuck in a frown. From east to north, and all around. From the dawn of creation, down to your noun. You overwhelm. But I am bound. Circling and circle proud. Pulling eights from the cloud. I say it loud. Unroll it, light the ground. For life is better, where you are found.

If only forgiveness were easy asked and demons were sleeping

How many ways can you spell I love you? Are you tired of hearing it yet? Does the universe give you any signs? Are you awake, are you alive? Are you listening?

I’m on the Patreon! Appreciate the support, it helps keep this blog running and advertisement free (I hate spam) and you get exclusive writing over there plus photography perks you can use for your own projects! I also record spoken word professionally! I have more than 1 tier to choose from or pledge your own amount! Thanks to my current patrons, I’m so grateful for the support! www.patreon.com/poeeternal

Posted on November 7, 2020November 7, 2020 by poeeternal · 3 Comments

Ghosting

Suicide is the ultimate ghosting
Silver bullets for toasting
Give the world a final roasting
It’s the direction I am coasting

I can’t adult. I need a year long mental day.

Posted on October 15, 2020October 15, 2020 by poeeternal

Tristan and Jonathan’s Survival Fund

So, my kid has fallen on hard times. But because they are gay, finding help is harder. The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and my financial problems have probably tilted over into another generation but we’re all in this boat together and some of us are seriously struggling.

Missouri is high crime and I don’t want my kid to wind up dead so if anybody could help it would be fantastic. It’s harder to find help because they are gay and Salvation Army is against LGBT.

Share this link too, it can help! 🙏 https://gf.me/u/y4mgzk

Because I myself am in a financial apocalypse, I can’t even donate to it currently and it would help ease my mind if somebody out there could pay it forward. I don’t want to be visiting my kid in the cemetery. I’m just about done with 2020 to be honest.

Look, they found themselves without an apartment and there’s moving expenses, first and last month’s deposits, application fees, supplies and rentals for hauling their things.

They are sleeping in their car in a high crime rate city. In the cold.

They are working. But they live paycheck to paycheck like the majority of the poor.

So I’m reaching out and asking for help. Please help them if you can. Everyone deserves a safe place to live. They didn’t have that and now they’re on the street.

Everyone needs a hand from time to time. There’s no shame in asking for help. What is shameful is hearing the cries of others and ignoring it. That happens all too often, I know. Because I myself became homeless for the first time in my life in 2017 and it wasn’t because I was lazy.

Izzy aged 9 months who now goes by Tristan. I gave births to this. It grew inside me. It fed from the milk in my breast for a year. Life is weird.

I am a mother, this is my ONLY child. Have mercy. 🙏

Self (left), Tristan (right,my kid). Peeps say we look like sisters LOL. THAT’S YER MOM they say!!!! Yups. Then I gets called olds. It’s a vicious cycle out there . I prefer being called a cub still, not a cougar. 😂

Being a mom is a big part of who I am. I take on the “mom” role for anyone younger and any chance I get. That’s me (left) and my kid (right).

The person I made a baby with is gone. He left this Earth already. Died a few years ago. This is him. I was 17 and pregnant with our baby. I rarely talk about him and this is a first time sharing this photo (of a photo). We considered this our first “family photo” because I was a very 6 months pregnant here. 🙂 I know people have babies all the time but it really does hurt. 🙂

We all 3 got 1 more photo together before he died of cancer. This is our last photo together. We were born into a broken home and made our home broken as well. I never married him though he asked (with hand and ring). I left him when my child was just a few months old. I remained a single parent until his death. Now single parent forever more.

Last photo all together, Tristan (left), Scott (middle), self (right). Taken June 2016 at the hospice in Nashville, Tennessee before he passed away of cancer. It was a hard fight. We stayed awake and for him until his very last breath. He fought some 3 very long days. I know this is hard to look at, the cancer had eaten him away. Not a moment after he passed the light flickered beside him, the first time since we’d been there, and his face fell soft and smiling like in peace. I hope he finally found it. You can’t convince me that life ends after death. I wasn’t the only one who saw the light flicker or felt the room get cold. You can’t take away my faith. It’s my middle name after all and more than a motto or tattoo on my chest… I’ve also lived in fox holes in the middle of a war in Iraq and that will teach you a thing or two about faith as well. But can someone help get my kid off the street because I can’t??

Self and my baby aged 9 months old (happily breastfed). Me age 18 and in a pair of Doc Martens. Some things never change. Photo by Scott (RIP).

I don’t have anything to do with the campaign, I didn’t create the campaign, this is their campaign. Just an FYI. When I get my next check, I’m going to be making a small donation from my tiny paycheck, that all goes to bills, and it won’t be very much to help out. So any help or shares will greatly ease my mind as a parent. To know that my kid is no longer sleeping in their car, in one of the most highest crime rated cities ever, and I can’t even help to get them off the fucking street. And it’s getting COLD there.

To whoever sees this out there and helps them, thank you. From one parent or human to another…

Thanks for listening! Please share this link – however you want- someone may heed the call! My kid is 23 and sleeping in the car! Helps!!!! Please!!! 🙏🙏🙏 https://gf.me/u/y4mgzk

Posted on September 7, 2020 by poeeternal · 3 Comments

Not A Word

There’s nothing that I have when I die that I keep
There’s not a word that he’s written that has not made me weep
Longing comes in floods, I guess we get what we reap
Treading flooding waters drowning where his soul runs deep

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I’m now on Twitch! I’m going live again soon! Hit my channel at: www.twitch.tv/poeeternal

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Posted on August 29, 2020August 29, 2020 by poeeternal · 29 Comments

Oh Daughter, Oh Son (Song lyrics)

*Warning strong themes of depression and suicide*

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone.

Will you be there to watch your mom die
Or will it be by the hand of suicide
Years and years of these trials
Hard to keep you by my side
Took a chance once or twice
And might succeed tonight – oh son!

Some call it paradise
But it’s a parasite
Understand what living’s like
It’s like your under knife
Want a hand to get it right
Don’t leave the world a fright – oh son!

Accept that life is might
Don’t have the heart to fight
I wear this sadness tight
Like a rope in flight
Sorry’s nowhere in sight
And I’m alone, alright! – oh son!

Y’all, I’m fine. It’s a song I’m writing, and I wish I could get the melody from my head to my guitar and my vocals. I also wish I could write a guitar solo from the tip of my tongue the way David Gilmour can. I can’t. I know maybe 4 chords. I can’t even whistle.

I’m sharing my struggles with you. Because there’s a 50% chance I might not make it out alive… dark times.

Depression is when every part of you wants to give up and roll over but you crawl on, in agony, anyway.

Some escape this despair, for other’s it’s terminal. There’s a 50/50 chance for survival. You’ll need rigorous response to recover and live with depression. Currently, I’m trying alternative treatments and therapy. Stuff doesn’t always work. Sometimes I become immune to treatments. Sometimes I disappear for days and no one knows where I am or hears from me. Sometimes they force treatment on me, throw me in rubber rooms, where it takes 6 people to hold me down just to shoot my ass up with Thorazine. Regardless if you go voluntary or not for in-house treatment, they will take all your clothes from you and your phone, you can’t have any of your books, but you’re allowed the Bible, you can’t talk to anybody, you can’t read magazines or listen to music, because there’s this underlying misconception that “stuff” can make you better.

And then no one wants to admit to having mental health issues because you get called “crazy” or other demeaning terms, and often the closest people around you, will use those terms against you when they are angry.

If you are struggling, I’m not going to say it gets better, because honestly, it gets worse. Depression isn’t about how much money you have or fame, it doesn’t care if you are broke or rich, and that’s why rich people die from depression too. But these things can be symptoms of depression. Depression can come about just because it wants to. It doesn’t take a death, or job loss, divorce, or any other event to be depressed. That’s why you shouldn’t ask people, “what do you have to be depressed about?”. Depression is a mental health illness, you’re ILL. You might need meds, therapy, short or long term treatments. It’s not your fault that you are ill. You are not alone. Hang on.

Edit to add: Sometimes depression is environmental so it doesn’t always require therapy or treatment. Sometimes it requires a change in your environment or situation. So don’t always assume a pill can make something better. And don’t push big pharma on others or make demeaning comments like, “you haven’t taken your medication have you”.

Hellos. I’m fine despite dark thoughts swirling like a nebula. Depression.

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Posted on August 20, 2020August 20, 2020 by poeeternal · 9 Comments

A Special Video Message Regarding Depression & Mental Health Awareness + thanks

Hey y’all! Thank you to everyone who helped make my birthday special yesterday!! If you left love on my socials or watched me on Twitch, double thank you! I’ll be going live again soon! 😍

Yesterday, Joy for Jan, a depression awareness group, ran by two ladies who lost their mother by suicide, also published a special video message I recorded for them, on their Instagram TV/ IGTV. It’s a little over 10 minutes long and talks about the misconception that you can just “snap out of depression”. Most of us have been guilty of thinking this or asking this of others. “Hey come on, cheer up, what do you have to be sad about?”. Well that’s the thing, there’s plenty to be sad about but it doesn’t require an event to make you depressed. Everything can be going great in your life and you or someone you know can still get depression.

Check out the special video message I made for them and check out their website and socials. If you prefer, they published the video on their Facebook page too. You can view that here.

They are an excellent support group for mental health awareness.

Follow them, listen to others, spread the word. Let’s help change the misconceptions regarding depression and mental illness.

We all know someone who is suffering from depression, or we’ve lost someone to suicide, or we suffer from depression ourselves.

You’re not crazy, you’re ill. That’s why it’s called a mental illness.

And often it takes rigorous response to treat depression. Depression is and can be TERMINAL.

The suicide rate continues to rise worldwide, not just among military and Veterans, but civilians as well. Have some compassion for yourself and for others.

Practice the art of forgiveness.

Sending light and love to those suffering from mental illness and to those who have lost someone to mental illness.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Full links:

Special IGTV video message: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CEFiBIbjecz/?igshid=duiz2hc2gk8z

JoyforJan on the web: https://www.facebook.com/226987451120353/posts/925654627920295

My official Twitch channel: http://www.twitch.tv/poeeternal

If you dig my blog, please consider showing your support through a small monthly membership on Patreon. If you prefer, you can also make a one-time donation here. Thank you.

I’m now on Twitch! Hit my channel at: www.twitch.tv/poeeternal

Keep up with me on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/poeeternal

I follow back on Twitter and you can follow me here: https://www.twitter.com/poeeternal

Posted on July 5, 2020 by poeeternal · 3 Comments

Tell Me When He Dies

I’m never looking back but I’m waiting for the echoes of cries and ringing of bells for when his death arrives

I’ve been sneaking through the halls of hell, dashing through the crowds and veils, it’s a wonder any hope survives

I’ve been bruised by thickets and hell’s prickly fences, the endless casting of spells, preying with fevor and with any luck by sunrise

Mostly wandering lost, decorating diamonds on cells, and the chances we are given are none, there’s no way to revise

I get lost in the feeding, the crying and the frenzy, the height of their yells, his existence I still fully despise

We’re on towers burning bridges, losing hours and our riches, our heads spinning like carousels, but I can see through disguise

Heartless and uncaring, the wounds from his carving, I’m impatient and I’m starving, but hell he dwells, just tell me when he dies

This poem is a multiple rhyme scheme. It has a weird flow.

(My ex is sometimes sneaking around here tho I’ve gone no contact, he’s a narcissist demon spawn from hell).

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Posted on June 29, 2020 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

What Am I

What am I but rotting flesh worshipping the dead
With a noose around my neck hung up on things you said
Tireless were my efforts turning obsession into bread
Knowing every hour there was darkness up ahead

What am I but skeletons for your throne
A path to a garden where nothings ever grown
A stage for your eyes where all my soul is shown
Humiliation for despair now breeding in my bone

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Posted on June 21, 2020June 21, 2020 by poeeternal

A Graveyard For

For my sadness there is no limit
I am invisible to the wicked
And doomed to love him every minute
But why I cherish him I’m afflicted

My every breath feels like a wake
Mere passages of doom
Where every hour I feel the ache
Of his love that is my tomb

Every step more heavy than the last
And his desire a chain tied to my breath
But what it takes I dare to ask
For my eyes only see that he brings death

Killing me with silence
And killing between the lines
Punishment for non-compliance
A graveyard for these rhymes

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Posted on June 8, 2020 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

Visit Me At The Cemetery

Will you visit me at the cemetery
Will you sleep outside the gates?
And when you’re feeling wary
Will you tell me about the aches?

Will you make my tomb a sanctuary
Will you forgive my mistakes?
And if you ever marry
Will you still have what it takes?

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The lines on my face hold so many stories

Posted on May 21, 2020May 21, 2020 by poeeternal · 7 Comments

Swallow

Why did you go?
Where did you lead us?
There are armies bleeding tears which swell and swallow whole moons
Why did you take the light with you to leave us here to croon?
My hope floats on fear all afternoon
Sometimes the darkness is blinding
And always there reminding
It got you too soon
Reason only comes in brigades of sorrow
Where doubt peeks its head at tomorrow
But cowers behind the window
Why did you fall after the show?
Now all the angels trow
There are chains on the month of May
The Earth pulling the days
Our eyes are pulk
You lost your way
All the days are heavy
Like heaven falling on its knee
That’s where we plea
Please don’t you leave!
Where are the steps to find you?
Our godfather of grunge
Our black sun
There is little truth in flame
Are drugs to blame?
You were the sun to somebody, everybody
Every day
We will remember your name
I am the same
Living decay
Now where will the summer lead
Where will the sun fade

Written for and dedicated to Chris Cornell of Soundgarden who died by suicide (poem and photo edits by me @poeeternal) RIP 💔💔💔

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Posted on May 5, 2020 by poeeternal · 9 Comments

White Dwarf

Were you planning a murder?
You assemble letters and vowels like death
Like the mercy you don’t harbor
When I’m running out of breath

Did you know you’d be the executioner’s hand?
Precisely in depth to know how it would land
There’s a crater where my soul has bled
Ashes where your words were tread

Did you plan a heist to gather the stardust?
Were you aware I’d combust
One tiny heart shattered
As if it never mattered

There’s a dim dot glowing
Where love was exposed
There’s a heavy price knowing
My soul decomposed

Posted on April 30, 2020 by poeeternal · 6 Comments

Nuclear Fallout

I’m retreating
Transparency leaving
Transmissions ending
And maybe love will stop receding

I hit the fast track
I’m not looking back
I’ve accepted everything as black
And everything is what I lack

What does it matter if you’re not here
You’re just my world that disappeared
And I made it worse the atmosphere
Like nuclear fallout I fear

And regret deeper than the Grand Canyon
With quicksand, I stand in
Clearly, the wrong landing
And it’s even worse than I imagine

Empty, dry and desolate
With doubts that I can handle it
Love neither narrow or straight
Worry now the heaviest weight

Peel my eye to your silent sky
And why you never said goodbye
When self-worth becomes a lie
Nothing left but to die

Posted on April 13, 2020 by poeeternal

Trigger

Point your gun, pull the trigger
Kill the need that seems to linger
Blood dripping from your finger
6 feet in, regret now bigger

Cold creeps in, heart is bitter
Mind falling, soul is sicker
Moon outside, glowing silver
All is dead yet you still need her

Peer the darkness, find your face
Feet that fell from disgrace
Second chance, her embrace
Love leaking from these straits

Disappear without a trace
Worry fills empty space
Love dropped out from the race
Wings dropping from the weights

I love the wonderful feedback about my poetry, that’s why I’m now on Patreon which is an excellent platform for writers and artist. Can you help me reach my goal? www.patreon.com/poeeternal

Death becomes her (digiart by @poeeternal)

Posted on March 9, 2020March 9, 2020 by poeeternal · 9 Comments

Demon Star

He’s a demon star that feeds on his twin
Don’t place your bets on love, you’ll never win
Breaking hearts is his favorite sin
Getting under you, wearing patience thin

Draining you his only goal
There’s no limit to how far he’ll go
Consuming you into a black hole
Look closely, he hasn’t any soul

Hi. Here’s a random picture of me in Ireland cuz I’m behind on digiart… that there is the Atlantic coast I believe and some boats stuck in the low tide. I’d never seen anything like it and pulled over for pictures. I pretty much pulled over every 5 minutes to take pictures of something. I’ve got some cool stuff I’m going to put on my Patreon as perks! I love to travel. I live to travel and gig. (I was still in the military and look how short my hair is).

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Posted on February 24, 2020February 23, 2020 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

Forsaken

“Why have you forsaken me, Christopher”
Last words, slipped out from her
On the ground, her wings curled and hurt
Where you’ve been dead since your birth

She could see death dancing in his eye
But he would still tell her no goodbye
Her dark angel, had no wings to fly
He had no soul to cry

He would gather her and carry her to heaven’s gates
He’s made too many choices that came with too many mistakes
Carrying her from the steps of hell isn’t a price he celebrates
And he will walk forever if forever is what it takes

I wanted to write a short story about redemption to accompany this poem, but my keyboard is broken, it now takes 19 days to charge my tablet, and my tiny, pathetic mobile phone makes me want to start a war, helps…

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Posted on December 25, 2019 by poeeternal · 4 Comments

Christmas Mourning

All alone on another Eve
Does it matter if I’m well or sickly?
Loneliness is eating through my soul like a disease
I wash it down with eggnog and whiskey

I’ll be lucky if I make it to fifty
I feel so exposed yet empty
On and on my tears will stream
I feel it all yet feel nothing

My purpose is few and far between
Climbed through his window, it’s getting darker it seems
Fighting for more than jewellery for the queens
Lost somewhere between nightmare and a dream

Is this purgatory?
For the living?
Monsters keep following me
I feed them honey

It came, it saw, it went
All my energy is spent
And I’m drowning in debt
With the economic collapse, I slipped
I’m such a catch you bet
Haven’t met my enemy yet
His name is death

I’m sorry you feel I am not worthy
Of anything
A lesson of, “I too agree”
But please keep laughing….

Let me take a knee…
You are the king
Of the filthy
Let me kiss your ring

I’M BOWING

YOU ARE WINNING

Don’t visit me at the cemetery

Where I’m going…

I mean, you already killed me

His words hit like an EMP
A shock wave rushing over me

Unwrapping tears under the tree
Fears this Christmas eve
Rain and invisibility
The very essence of me

Posted on December 8, 2019 by poeeternal · 2 Comments

Rage

Reality came crashing down
And hit like a rogue wave
Promises like broken glass
Which sliver over rage

Life jackets unable to float
But still promising to save
Regret now a sinking ship
An apology is what I crave

Memories flood about
Like a visit to your grave
And earlier shall it now arrive
If you don’t learn to behave

Standing on his virtual plank
Tied and bound just like a slave
Recording every cry and slip
A down ending requires the brave

He might peek but never look
And your sorrow is an all-night rave
He may pretend that he is shook
But he’s the one that will deprave

Where clouds are as thick as doubt
And forgiveness you never gave
Where time is as thin as worry
And love it never came

Posted on December 5, 2019 by poeeternal · 6 Comments

Heartbreak Hotel

Heartbreak hotel
In the center of hell
Under sorrow I dwell
I am not feeling well

Part alive, part dead
Mostly full of dread
To sadness I am wed
In a world he will never tread

Spoken words, incantations, or curses
Only dead things here to worship
Above; heaven on the surface
But watch him draw the curtain

(So I just keep hurtin’)

Moments of magic like electricity
Flashes of hope set my soul free
The hand was one and not an army
Words sweetened just like candy

Skeletons, nightmares, and broken dreams
Are all that’s left for me
Your words like a symphony
Helped me grow so vividly

Mourning the loss of trust
Mourning the fate of us
Overwhelmed by the life you crushed
I thought you were made of stardust

Stranded in our garden
With nothing left to bargain
One heart simply starving
Crimson tears set to harden