I thought the season had come and gone? Fleeing reason with curtains drawn? How lost was Eden, without her dawn? Left hand held treason, right hand moved on?
Me. Next to a swamp. No filter. Freckles and worry lines ugggggโฆ. But pigtails caught the eye of a dad and son trio, when he randomly asked if I โgot the shotโ I thought he was asking me about the vaccine lol – but he meant the photos! Lol I iz ditzy but the son kept answering for the dad, I must have been a ditzy hit. ๐
I am tore up about that building collapsing in Miami. Another Boeing basically. The Baby Boomers set us all up for failure. They cut every corner they could and painted over every red flag!
How many more people are gonna die in the hundreds?
That building suffered extensive structural damage so they decided to put heavy equipment and work on the roof. Sounds like another CEO who would rather pay a lawsuit or two than fix a building.
Just like it was easier for NASA to โretireโ the Space Shuttle whom NASA murdered 16 astronauts with – instead of building safe rockets that land.
Youโre telling me weโve been giving them our tax money since 1954 and all theyโve come up with is a goddamn satellite that theyโve put up into space to keep you distracted from the fact that youโre a fucking slave, Neo!?!
I donโt want my tax money going to NASA. I never voted for that. I wasnโt even alive.
When do new generations get some say on how life is going to be?
Because as far as I can tell, the people who are in charge, keep fucking everything up. And on purpose.
They donโt fear punishment.
We fucking do tho donโt we.
Jail is the least scary place for me these days.
Iโd get a bed, clean shower and three meals a day.
I want the 1% to know fear
Operation Stand Down – OSD – begins with you and me
Yup Iโve got a name for it now ๐
Where my squad? ๐
How the fuck do we talk more n a secure line? ๐
They use advertising to legally track us
And to control us as well
Itโs bullshite and I donโt know how it manages to ignore the fucking constitution
These loopholes need concrete ๐
And I wish the press would stop gaslighting us about there being hope for people buried underneath the 12 stories that fell on top of them
Theyโre dead
Whatever oxygen they may have had, is definitely fucking gone now
They donโt even hear banging anymore so they fucking failed the clean up
Nobody is really good at their jobs anymore if you fucking pay attention to 90% of the population they donโt give a fuck about their job at all not one fucking ounce of empathy not the fucking people working in the hospitals not the people working at the fire stations theyโre fucking dead inside – fucking dead ๐
More dead than those buried under 12 stories of rubble
But we can hope ๐
I donโt see anything negative against age play on WordPress – just says to place a NSFW adult content warning in the title
50% donโt recover from โheart inflammationโ and theyโre only talking about the teens and young adults ๐
Theyโre not even including my age group and I warned you before it was even in the fucking news or before teens and young adults could even get the vaccination
You know itโs true
I say Cardiovascular issues and blood clots but the CDC says โheart inflammationโ I say extreme lethargy but the CDC says โtirednessโ – they like to sugarcoat everything donโt they
Well itโs more than circulatory issues, people are fucking dying over it
Teens and young adults from heart inflammation
Only 50% of that age group recovers
*slightly starts to panic again*
๐
I list my symptoms now:
Chest pains – constant pain like a pulled or torn muscle and then random electric charges or shocks that last for several seconds followed by intense burning ๐
I generally stop breathing during these episodes and they come at random at rest or activity – and activity definitely makes the pain worse! Lately the shocks have been more intense. Today Iโve been feeling like Iโm going to pass out. I started slipping earlier and thought for sure it was my last breath ๐
Feeling extremely cold – this correlated with my Blood Pressure (BP) dropping as the nurse recorded my BP – the results led to my doctor ordering an EKG – which showed an enlarged chamber, and one closed off – creating blood flow issues- basically my heart is having a hard time pumping blood throughout my body and it doesnโt have enough kick or force to be able to do it on its own so instead of it pushing blood throughout my entire body it only worries about my vital organs which are inside my ribcage which is why I start feeling extremely cold because in reality Iโm actually fucking dying and your skin is not considered a vital organ. People dying feel cold. I told my doctor I felt like Antarctica and I live in Florida. My electric bill was $11 last month but not running the air caused a mold problem in my closet that I had to fix by myself – while dying – cuz mold is ancient and it too was trying to kill me ๐
Dizziness and extreme lethargy – like Iโm on my deathbed and canโt keep my eyes open even though Iโm getting more sleep now than Iโve done over the last decade ๐
I donโt like the taste of food anymore. The vaccines have changed my sense of smell and taste. A minor setback compared to my chest pains!
Iโve had a lot of anxiety and stress over this – the fears get me and then I spend hours under my heating pad crying because itโs the only thing that brings any relief to my heart (except him – thereโs a guardian angel looking over me and feeding me in every way he can. But thatโs a whole nother story!)
Iโve been down 2 months! The heart doesnโt feel better and the chest pains are getting worse. The reality is, I might not pull through.
Thereโs a good chance Iโm gonna die from a heart attack over this.
Iโm trying to get my affairs in order – and just want to die in peace.
When I was talking to my doctor on the phone about my EKG results, she specifically said she didnโt like how my heart looked for my age and that my heart should not look like it does. She then went on to tell me that an EKG is not a good test to measure the chambers (size) of the heart (but my EKG clearly shows signs of distress). Sheโs ordered several more tests And Iโm pending receiving those with care outside of the VA because the clinic here canโt give me the test so the only nearest VA to me that can do it is 176 miles away so I had to get it approved locally and they only called me last week with a list of providers that I could go see so I finally have a provider but Iโm still waiting on the appointment time.
Vets die on waiting lists.
๐
I was in so much pain the night my Holy Ghost visited me and heโs my guardian angel and the reason Iโm still alive plus the universe and maybe because I really want to kiss him before I die ๐
Thank you for making my new TikTok number one on my channel! Iโm always afraid to even do one because the competition is so fierce! ๐
My TikTok clocks in just over 15 seconds but it has already been played over three hours!! ๐
It shows the average watch time as being longer than the actual TikTok (does this mean you were suspended and experienced time dilation)? ๐
683 accounts reached! Holyshit! Iโd pee myself! I canโt perform in front of people. Hell, I canโt even type if someone is standing over me. If I am eating and I am into a guy and he sits down and starts talking to me, I will choke on my food. I iz nerd. ๐
I love making TikTokโs and I am trying to get better. Iโd like to make more. But not 3 a day more. Those creators are just copying things that have already been done. And they have all the equipment they need that I donโt have. ๐
I have other videos too on my channel – I donโt have a set theme. But I do prefer using it more creatively than journalistically. Apparently you are supposed to respond to comments with more videos (even the negative comments). Eh, no thanks.
Thanks for checking out my work and for supporting content creators!
Iโm sorry there has been less content lately, I am still recovering from heart related issues but the passion is still in every thing I do (including the rants). ๐
I played everything how I was supposed to
I did everything I was supposed to in society and look where it fucking got me ๐
I have a college degree but the recession has gone on longer than the Great Depression did, and I remember specific conversations my grandmother told me about living through that experience.
So if youโre out there supporting me financially, I appreciate you even more.
Dying (maybe) but not giving up or quitting.
And Iโve been writing like mad, and am working on a draft for my Patreon rewards for the month of May!!! Yโall have stuck with me and I appreciate you so much! Your support paid my domain operating fees this month too and I am grateful ! Thank you!!
Writing has always been my dream and my passion, this is what Iโve always wanted to do! Along with guitar, music, and acting but my stage fright has proved challenging over the years (and my brain injury).
I do have a few public post on my Patreon and you can follow for free and get those free rewards when I post public content! I drop poems from time to time (poetry that hasnโt been posted anywhere else).
My lowest tier is $1 if youโd like to support my ongoing creativity while earning perks and rewards! ๐
It keeps this blog up and going, the content coming, as well as advertisement free! Zero spam ever on my blog! No ads! So you can read and watch my content with a virus looming. ๐
I started my campaign in 2020 and grateful for my patrons!!! ๐
I really appreciate that you let me focus on my art instead of being a socialite (Iโve never been one of those).
I donโt actually do good around people.
And Iโve always been very intuitive and to know things before they happen.
โBut whatโs really going to boggle your noodle later is would you have even broken it if I hadnโt of said anythingโ ๐
And that my friends is the only answer I need to know in life.
My heart is feeling better – as far as the constant throbbing pain goes
The extreme lethargy has not gone away
I still donโt like the taste of food unless itโs junk
Thereโs this weird metallic taste in my mouth
Thereโs this taste like my brain chemicals have been messed with
๐
Iโm still having chest pain
Itโs not as scary bad
Like maybe that heating pad actually has been helping – plus time
Iโve never been so tired in my life
I actually felt my body sweat for the first time today but you know being called a cheap whore doesnโt fucking help the stress
Itโs nice to actually feel my feet and armpits get warm
๐
I donโt really like eating food anymore but Iโve been forcing myself to eat
Iโm starting to learn that thereโs a lot of things I donโt actually like anymore
Like how people use art to harm
Like how banks hide criminal activity
But if I told my doctor I wanted to fucking kill myself they would fucking take me away
Not just any doctor but my fucking therapist- the one person that I should be able to tell anything too – but yet a banker and like anybody can get away with anything – Like moving large lumps of cash but yet my bank will freeze my fucking debit card if I try to spend anything over $500 or $200 -whatever it is, I gotta call and get approval to spend my own goddamn money because itโs been declined and that is embarrassing – wtf
But these bankers and criminals get special treatment?
๐ง
Wait – Nothing against you wanting a sex change operation but menthol cigarettes are now banned by the FDA
๐ง
Biden wants to nuke Russia
Heโs such a good little puppet (I forgive you for voting for him I think)
All the Hollywood anti Russia propaganda
Mark fucking Burgess is still alive
๐
๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ
Oh wait, medical update right ๐
I donโt like how tired I feel all the time
I have three test pending being scheduled -all related to my heart – and I was approved for getting community care – which means I donโt have to drive all the way to Lake Nona 76 miles away one way for just one of those test times 3
Now Iโm waiting on community care to call me with the appointments and for the VA to approve it- pay for it – all that fucking shit
Itโs actually a relief I donโt have to drive to Lake Nona even though itโs a gorgeous hospital because I-4 is like playing Russian roulette ๐
Nobody around here likes the I-4
Avoid I4 at all costs
๐
Interstate Four
I feel a poem coming on
I hateeeeee the I4
๐
Iโm not sure where community care will be, it could be New Smyrna Beach, it could be Ormond Beach, it could be Daytona Beach, I donโt know yet, I hope it will be in my city Daytona Beach.
I donโt think anybody really knows what the fuck theyโre doing anymore
I mean there are a few people out there who are really into their job and theyโre really good and occasionally you run into those really good people and thatโs why you wanna fucking support them
Iโm praying my doctor never leaves! ๐
You feels?
๐
Iโm 4 weeks in now after dose 2 (I think) But she told me recently at my appointment that the signs and symptoms Iโm having can go on for weeks (I believe she said 6 to 8 or longer)
Iโm ready to ride my bike
Be active again
Rebound!
Cosplay!
But Iโm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open
The last couple times I tried to push myself a little bit around the house my heart started hurting worse
I really donโt wanna die over this
So even tho the pain has lessened – and even my anxiety a little – Iโm still having other symptoms.
Iโm not on vaca
Iโve done a lot of crying over this because itโs been very very scary
๐
Iโm still begging my kid not to get it
And now Iโm reminding my kid that their dead daddy was an anti-vacciner, so now Iโm playing that fucking card
๐
And like most kids these days (and adults) we live on pizza, tacos, sugar, and salt. Itโs literally clogging our arteries – And then youโre going to inject yourself with a vaccine that causes blood clots (well the CDC have at least admitted that it causes blood clots in one – but you know it does in the others too – come on – donโt be fucking stupid yโall. If it does in one (thatโs only 80% effective, imagine what the 94% effective one does) ๐
Well I had my doctor look into it and she actually said that what Iโm going through is Covid related and Iโve only been experiencing Covid related issues since my body was injected with the Covid fucking vaccinations. Yay? Sound on?
So – You eat shit that clogs your arteries and then youโre going to inject yourself with a vaccine that causes blood clots and then youโre going to go in annually to get your booster shots? ๐
The CDC need to list the rare side effects on the website. Be transparent! Like you force Big Pharma to do!
This vaccine is a prime example of peer pressure
๐
This vaccine nearly wiped me out and I donโt want my fucking kid to get it ever but they have their own body to make their choices for and their own household to run
๐
Iโm not saying you shouldnโt get the vaccine but the apple doesnโt fall far from the tree so I definitely want my kid to stay away from it
I canโt enforce it
And I still believe that they will enforce it by making vaccination records mandatory in order to enter certain areas
I know for a fact they will enforce it on all militia
Yeah I had a choice right now ๐
That four page article I read by the CNN about the native American Indians really pulled on my heartstrings though they really fucking got me
๐
I will never be getting any booster shots- even if they enforce it, they will have to hold me down
So thereโs pressure in my chest (Some sort of tear or pull in my muscle – which is my heart)
Iโve been taking it easy.
My only agenda is to get better and survive this.
I told my kid, please just wear their mask, wash their hands. I swore by the CDC! ๐
The CDC were my bible.
๐
People have died from these vaccinations and the CDC need to be transparent about the rare side effects that are going on.
Iโm certain my doctor is reporting to the right channels.
Overall, Iโm feeling better than I felt a few nights ago, I wasnโt as hopeful
The pain has lessened – not diminished
I still have extreme lethargy, issues with my sense of smell and taste (which will effect your mood and will to eat stuff that just taste bland and off).
Iโve been eating a shit ton of cashews and walnuts, pecans, pistachios, and all the healthy nuts basically
Food doesnโt taste the same. Pizza didnโt change so much. Candy bars, sweet and salty the tongue can distinguish
But like why does everything else taste like more food Iโve just cooked and wasted
Iโve barely been cooking because just doing normal duties around the house have proven challenging but even frozen stuff or canned food is going to waste!
My heart just needs rest like itโs never needed it before
And less stressors going off
Jesus didnโt like how the world was either, bless his heart โค๏ธ
I donโt like where the future is headed but I need to put that in a poem so I wanna get offline now
Iโm attempting to get a cosplay set done
And itโs not that I donโt wanna!
Iโm exhausted! ๐
So it may be just a little set for now ๐
And people are already anxious for me to launch my new OF but itโs coming – you just have to have a little bit of patience. I need to get caught up on my campaigns first.
I probably shouldnโt of gave the secret away too soon!
My heart actually physically hurts – even tho not as bad – activity does make it worse.
I miss working out! I had finally found my grove!
Thanks for having patience with me!
Iโve been writing poetry and I will get it posted soonish!
I just needed to get shit off my chest!
Iโve had a hard time editing and stuff lately so if you notice more spelling mistakes than normal, itโs probably the lethargy.
Having a brain injury doesnโt help.
Neo: โWhy do my eyes hurt?โ
Morpheus: โBecause youโve never used them before. Get some rest…โ
๐
I have been unplugging a lot today. I wonder if anyone else unplugged?
Or do your eyes still hurt?
If you call for me, I will come. ๐ช
(But at some point Neo had to help Trinity cuz she had some heart issues too)
(Everyone falls)
(I just want someone to be there and love me when I do)
(Or in the fantasy world, inside the Matrix)
(This nightmare weโre all in)
(Thank you Asia)
(Or India)
*laughs insanely*
(I donโt need anything fancy when I die just toss me in a hole donโt take out my blood donโt take out my organs fuck whatever they came up with because they ruined the afterlife thatโs not what it supposed to be about I want to take 10,000 years to fucking deteriorate OK). You canโt have my blood, my organs, nothing when I die!!! Put me in the earth!!!!!!! Why is that illegal? Why am I forced to spend money on stufff!!!!!!!!!!! Iโm sick of money and stuff!!! I want something real!!!!!! I want love!!!!!! You canโt have me when I die!!!!!! Put me in the earth!
I am made of the earth and the moon and the stars and I donโt want you taking out my life force and pumping me full of your fucking chemicals when Iโm dead
I donโt want your fucking chemicals while Iโm alive
I bathe with vegan products most of the time – and more often than not just prefer the water!!! You donโt need all that stuff!!!!
๐
(Please donโt hate me)
โIf the world hates you, remember that it hated me firstโ – Jesus Christ
Oh my fucking God, stop the press, Iโve been called a whore again. ๐
Heโs mad at me and now using that disgusting piece of shit ex of mine as a bomb to hurt me *rolls eyes* ๐
Mark did scam me out of a lot of things, but my real love and heart he never got. He kept my pussy dry literally. Keep reading on to learn more ๐
(I went no contact from Mark – he posted on my blog when he got back with one of his exes, I didnโt go to The Chameleons blog – he came to mine. Heโs a narcissist and Iโd gone no contact but he was desperate for me to know – heโs desperate for me to love him. I donโt. I canโt stand Mark Burgess. Heโs the plague and I want NOTHING to do with him. He never pays taxes, he lives rent free off the women he abuses. Heโs a scumbag and writing music doesnโt give you the right to do the monstrous things he has done and continues to do. Heโs a menace and needs burned at the stake, along with all the books and music. Erased from history is the only ending he deserves. Of course, he leads everyone to believe that the women are the problem even tho itโs the women running from HIM. And he moves from one relationship to the next. Claims true love every time. He taste like death. ๐คฎ๐คฎ๐คฎ
I did a runner from Mark Burgess because he is the plague and you should stay far the fuck away from him.
I donโt like or love him.
I couldnโt even get sexually off from him
I couldnโt even get wet down there ๐
I donโt like Mark Burgess
I donโt love Mark Burgess
And you donโt get to act like youโre my best friend and then turn around and call me a whore just because I have a political fucking opinion about whatโs going on in the world and I actually have a right to say something about whatโs going on in the world because Iโve actually served my fucking country you piece of shit
Look at all this charming smooth talk via PM tho. You always wanted me to chat with yah, never did/would tho. Hell, you invited me into your home and offered to pay for my hotel.
But now publicly suddenly I am one of the worst things ever and a whore and Iโm selling my body on the cheap
๐ง
๐๐๐๐
๐
I never did give him what he wanted though- my time or my friendship and now look at him calling me a whore ๐ from inviting me and paying for my hotel to calling me a fucking whore ๐
He says I think the world owes me everything and Iโm selling my body โon the cheapโ
๐
But he was just inviting to pay for my fucking hotel room
๐
Now Iโm a whore and heโs siding with that piece of shit Mark ๐
I am called a whore / youโd give me your dinner?
For the record, I donโt need anyone paying my hotel bills when I travel, I do that on my own.
I normally stay with my best friend who is a female – Iโve visited her in England twice staying with her 2 weeks on each visit.
I also helped with food and the electric and left her some moneyzzz cuz Iโm not a complete bum.
She did not ask me to do this. Flights anywhere are expensive – and Iโm happy to stay with my REAL FRIENDS when I visit if they invite me.
Iโm not rich nor ever have been.
I was not born with a silver spoon.
Iโve always had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet.
I do not feel bad or guilty for stripping to eat or pay my bills.
You donโt get to invite me into your life and then call me a whore after and not get sandblasted.
He was always denied tho – as you can see – I donโt talk to anyone.
Prime example why
They all want to fuck me for free
Yet Iโm called cheap
๐
Yea, Iโm the problem clearly
Fuck off now
Run back to Mark Burgess
Youโre both twats
Stop acting like you donโt have a porn addiction or that you are all holy and can call me your friend and then a โwhoreโ (but only after you offered to pay for my hotel – I wasnโt a whore when you were offering to pay for my visit)
Never even had the desire to meet you – let alone for you to pay for my hotel.
โWhoreโ yup mโkay why? Because I do cosplay? Because I take off my clothes now during a pandemic because Iโm disabled and need to pay my bills and we are in a RECESSION?
Because I blew through my life savings trying to stay afloat?
Because the jobs I was working paid under minimum wage and I have a college degree but canโt find work in my field due to the recession/furloughs/hiring freezes?
And those minimum wage jobs are taxed like hell and barely support cost of living (COLA) which is why people work multiple jobs to stay afloat?
Because they canโt save one fucking penny to get ahead.
Because nobody wants to actually support me or my dreams because they all want to โbe my friendโ so they can fuck me?
When I donโt want to fuck anybody –
Because I want to make babies with the love of my life and he recently bought me pizza?
Because Iโm not actually a whore and thereโs nothing wrong with sex workers.
I donโt actually โsell my bodyโ ๐ง
I donโt think anyone can actually โsell their bodyโ. ๐ค
If you mean โperform sex actsโ, that isnโt anything Iโm actually doing.
Itโs called burlesque but Iโm not very good.
I like to cosplay and roleplay tho cuz being an actor was always my dream, I still audition for parts (even reality TV shows), and I love getting to play dressup cuz I was always a Soldier/tomboy.
I donโt think what I am doing is sinful.
Iโm trying to understand who I am as a human and a woman.
Not the part or role that everyone else wants me to play.
What Iโm doing now is what Iโve always wanted to do.
Writing, photography, cosplay, guitar, itโs my thang.
The feedback Iโve been getting on my OnlyFans has improved my overall health and mental status / self-esteem.
I would say the feedback I have received has been priceless to my growth as a human and an artist.
Thereโs a lot of value on my OnlyFans and Iโm trying to get better at my cosplay and my photography and I think it shows.
I appreciate your good feedback, your comments, likes, tips, gifts and subscriptions!
I also GREATLY appreciate the support on my Patreon as well!
โI can’t believe this is the land from which I cameโ ๐
Oh MJ…
My hero and my first crush
Iโm awake with you
And nearly dead
๐
I watched a conference where Michael Jackson was talking about how he wrote this song and that it was about the illuminati and how they donโt really care about us…
I donโt need permission as a writer or a blogger to share my life journey with you – Iโve opted to include the ups and downs – I donโt need to write an essay explaining why I chose to be vaccinated – I donโt need to include my education or my credentials for any of this.
I donโt owe you anything.
Iโve paid the costs of living this life and I donโt need your mockery.
Every now and then I remind people that I am a mother
And reason number 1 that I donโt have fake boobs is because Iโm a breast feeder. ๐
I fed mine for 1 solid year.
They never once drank powder formula.
100% breast milk only and for 6 months that is all my child lived on and then after 6 months of age I began introducing baby food to their diet but my breast milk was their number 1 diet for another 6 months!
Not Gerber baby food. Not powdered milk.
The milk that my body made specific to my babies needs.
Thatโs what they drank.
Looking at mama while feeding ๐
My baby is all growns now.
I pay all my own bills ๐
Never once married ๐
Yโall donโt like a real MILF tho do you?
You like the ones with the fake tits who donโt even watch their kids?
Let alone breast feed ๐
I wish I knew then what I know now ๐
My tits sag cuz Iโm a mom who breastfed and Iโm sick of you body shaming me because of it ๐
Iโm still capable of having babies ๐
But maybe not for much longer ๐
(Because Iโm currently 420 years of age) ๐
Still ovulating
100% all natural babe
And on my good days I still look fairly young and everybody thinks weโre sisters (not mama daughter)
(While they were born female they identify as male so I rarely use the term she/her anymore).
Iโm not inexperienced ๐
That porn actress is ACTING – thatโs why she looks direct in the camera and SMILES.
Please wake up
Dying and need you
๐ฉ
(Somebody please love me before I die on the street)
(I donโt want to replace my body with desensitizing plastic so I canโt even feel you touching me or fucking me) ๐
I wore fake nails for two weeks and couldnโt feel a fucking thing I touched.
Apparently getting lots of sleep is a side effect of the COVID vaccinations ๐
I havenโt slept since war in 2003 ๐
But now that Iโm semi-dying I canโt get enough sleep ๐
There are random times that my eyelids become so heavy I feel like Iโm moving into my final rest ๐
Like, this may be the last time I lay down ๐
Like Iโm dying ๐
But itโs a side effect of the vaccinations and can go on for weeks ๐
Lethargy ๐
From insomniac to I canโt get enough sleep ๐
*runs to the CDC website to check to see if lethargy is listed as a side effect* ๐
It is not ๐
Well, it does list โtirednessโ, the CDC like to sugarcoat it though.
Tired ๐
Iโm sorry but I canโt come into work today because โIโm tiredโ. ๐
Did you get any sleep?
Yeah, like 19 hours but Iโm tired. ๐
Good luck keeping that job. ๐
Good luck getting a job that isnโt Big Corporation (which are mainly owned and ran by people from other countries who come here and pay all their people top dollar while paying the Americans minimum wage and rarely giving pay raises or using the recommended pay and reward systems ๐
(They donโt even give proper rest breaks) ๐
(Trump wasnโt wrong about them taking our jobs) ๐
*remembers I had to yell at my nurse to take this seriously because people are dying from this and I need to know if it is related to the shots*
*doc said yesterday that she looked into the side effects and what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID*
*itโs not in my fucking head*
The โNo Child Left Behind Actโ means everybody follows the rules and no one goes above and beyond to see what is going on with people when theyโre having rare symptoms ๐
Including most people still plugged into the system ๐
But my doctor woke ๐
(And itโs really hard to find one in the VA)
I reminded my doctor yesterday that I am an old school Army medic and they donโt make us like they used to ๐
I was basically a nurse – I was EMT certified but trained to do a whole lot more on Soldiers than civilians ๐
The military have their on judicial system ๐
They have their own training system too ๐
I was a combat medic for half my career ๐
(7 1/2 years but remained the โmedicโ any time we had range or needed an extra hat to remind people to stay hydrated) ๐
I did way more than that ๐
They had me in charge of drug prevention and giving random urine test ๐
I got paid the big moneys in the Department of Defense ๐
I mightโve fell with the great economic collapse like the great fucking depression ๐
But I still remember all my training ๐
My resume is 4 pages long ๐
I was a super Soldier ๐
Now Iโm super dying and it is COVID related my doctor confirmed ๐
Iโm not losing my mind ๐
Itโs not all in my head ๐
You might not see what is happening to me and you might not read about it on the CDC website but it is actually real ๐
(And you may need to find a good nurse or doctor who gets this) ๐
(If you know something is wrong but you arenโt getting the answers you need about your car or your marriage or your body, then you might wanna think about changing who youโre working with because they might not be very good at their job, maybe theyโre just average at their job, maybe they do a pretty decent job but nothing more) ๐
Iโve read articles where teenage children burned in a house that was burning down simply because the mom said โstayโ. ๐
I donโt listen to anything my parents say ๐
My skill sets are not like yours ๐
I only speak the truth ๐
It feels nice to wake up though to know that thereโs at least one other individual out there who knows that what is going on with me is COVID-19 related ๐
I didnโt need to know that all this started after my first and second doses, there was already a correlation there even tho the CDC doesnโt list โblood clotsโ as a possible side effect and people are dying from it.
(Including Moderna) ๐
Iโm โtiredโ because my BP (blood pressure) keeps dropping (which is why I get extremely cold but being โcoldโ isnโt listed on the CDC website) ๐
Dying is not listed as a possible side effect of vaccinations even though people are actually dying from these vaccines ๐
This pandemic was completely manmade but thatโs an entirely different fucking argument that my heart cannot get into right now because itโs too fucking tired even though it slept through the night ๐
So if you are feeling โtiredโ after being vaccinated, itโs a side effect that can go on FOR WEEKS. ๐
And if your body feels like Antarctica even though you live in Florida and itโs 93ยฐ outside and youโre not running your air conditioning –
You might be dying ๐
(I hope you have somebody who can keep you suspended between heaven and earth or hell because I believe him and my doctor are the only reason Iโm alive)
Him, my doctor, and aspirin ๐
(And whatโs even scarier is when youโre going through all this and nobody believes you)
โWell, I didnโt read that on the CDC websiteโ
Doc ordered more tests for me today and DOES NOT want me doing ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY – she said light walking only until she has more answers. Iโm not allowed to rebound. ๐ฉ
She looked into the signs and symptoms and said what I am going through IS RELATED to COVID.
But I asked her could a heart heal itself like a bone and she said yes! A heart can heal itself!
So good!
Cuz my body has healed from many broken bones and Iโve been doing the heating pad and positive self-encouragement even though tears have been streaming down my face.
She told me to keep doing the heating pad!
But no physical activity and more test have been ordered.
And she made it clear that what is happening to me IS COVID related.
Worth repeating.
My doctor has no hidden agenda.
Nor do I.
Iโm gonna keep writing and working on my photography and cosplay but energy levels are near dead.
She did say these symptoms can last for weeks after and reminded me Iโm about 3 weeks in (she said six weeks or more).
She also brought up the fact that these vaccines are incredibly new and there isnโt a lot of data to go by.
I told her she needed a pay raise and an award and a medal and that sheโs doing a good job and she is saving my life.
Sheโs one of them good doctors!
She goes above and beyond!
I ainโt getting no booster shots!
My vaccination record better be enough to travel!
If itโs Boeing, I ainโt going!
(The test my doc ordered checks for clots in the lungs – been breathing okay – but she wants to make sure. Although there has been a few times Iโve struggled to take a breath).
Covid related all this.
To the guy who misses me – I miss you too. Youโre my incentive to get better.
I think you may be the reason Iโm still alive.
Iโm bonded to you.
๐
I donโt even know how I couldโve gotten through all the pain I was going through and have been going through – without you.
I was at the grocery store today and I bought a shit ton of food and Iโm frugal
Iโm saving my pennies to buy some fucking land but go ahead and keep spending your money on gambling and drugs and body shaming women for not sending you free nudes when you demand
Iโm not starving and Iโve got like 15 pounds of fat I need to shed.
Then, more muscle to re-build and booty gains once I get the go-ahead to start working out again.
Petite. Not obsolete.
*grumbles thereโs not enough weed to get me through the apocalypse and now theyโve banned me only favorite cigarettes even tho I only smoke 1 or 2 a year*
*fears the day sheโs stumbling through the streets naked and mad*
*doesnโt understand a fucking thing*
*needs love*
*Remembers she bought chocolate and cookies*
COOKIES
๐ช๐ฅ ๐ช
(If that is a fortune cookie it looks like Pac-Man trying to eat my chocolate chips)
I actually would enjoy playing Pac-Man again if they did make it cookies…
๐ช๐ฅ ๐ช
And Cookie Monster as Pac-Man
In a multi-verse that game actually exists and Iโm playing it right now according to scientists who say thereโs many versions of me
Hellos
Can we change dimensions pretty please?
Helps?
*sends out call sign to Neo*
(And he heard because they are making The Matrix 4 right now and Iโm living for it)
Iโm not starving, Iโm just tiny, and I have a very big appetite!
(i also workout normally when Iโm not dying)
๐
42% Obese?
Jeaus Christ
So how many on that list โoverweightโ?
Stop body shaming me because youโre too lazy to work out
I like him so much I can feel heaven hovering over my dreams
He makes me feel forever young ๐ป
And he bought this lingerie from my Amazon Wishlist ๐ป
I cried when I originally tried it on, I guess because Iโm not as young as I wanna be – but he quickly made me forget all of that.
He undoes all the torment men have put my mind and body through over all the years – all the body shaming they did.
Poof gone.
By the way he looks at me
By the way he handles me
He makes all my parts feel loved
He doesnโt ignore one atom on or in me
If there is an atom hiding, heโs gonna hunt it down and find it
But all my atoms fall into orbit when heโs around
Electric
I think all these chemicals heโs flushing my heart with is helping
All the things hurt less
Even my heart
(If youโre on the fence about the Adome lingerie line on Amazon – you should do it – and forget the fact that youโre not gonna look as cute as the girls advertised – if youโve got a body untouched by plastic like me)
(Iโm not saying you wonโt look cute in it – thatโs my own negative self image. I think everybody looks fucking fine but many of us suffer from negative self image)
(He undoes all that negative self image)
(And he doesnโt tell me to grow up)
(Or to look the part)
โYou shouldnโt be dressed like thatโ
โYouโre showing too much skinโ
โSlut whore cunt slutttttt whoreeeeeโ
โYouโre asking for itโ
I mean, the body shaming didnโt just come from the men.
I hear it being yelled at me while Iโm pumping my gas looking all dead n cute
โWhoreeeeeeeeโ
Iโll yell back, โyou know you jealous bitchโ (never knowing why because I cry about my body all the fucking time over the fact that I never grew up and I am not voluptuous)
Iโve pretty much mostly spent all of my years on earth living in the south and my God yโall know how to body shame women with your opinion and religion.
Just stop
He makes me feel bomb โ๏ธ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ
And it feels nice to wake up with a mental health boost before the sun has even risen
Iโm not supposed to be feeling like Iโm already knocking on my grave
Iโm so paranoid to believe / they whipped up the perfect formula to get to me…
So yeah, taking an aspirin a day now for blood clots – well uhm – to thin my blood out and maybe keep less clots destroying my heart.
If you already suffer from underlying health issues – you need to understand the risks involved when you get that goddamn vaccine
Mโkay
People have died from it, itโs not a fucking joke
I have nothing to gain from being the whistleblower
But everything to lose
๐
The phone conversation went worse.
Why the fuck did I do that second shot
If you feel it in your fucking soul to not do something, you need to listen to yourself and not what the media is peer pressuring you to do and everyone around you
That vaccine is fucking peer pressure
I collapsed and look where it got me!!!!!!!!!!!
I didnโt wanna die in my bed and now I canโt even fucking leave it!
โYou deserve somebody who knows why you are rareโ Mark Anthony
Now Iโm almost dead and obsolete so it doesnโt matter
๐
(To the guy out there who got me something off my Amazon wishlist even tho Iโm dying, thank you for loving me before I died)
(I donโt even know your name but itโs possible you have my whole, broken heart)
(You probably deserve a better heart than mine)
๐
(I wish I had a way to thank you for stuffing me full of pizza and surprise)
A real way to thank you
Even with half my supporters already gone, you make me feel less alone. ๐ซ
Whatever your intentions are, you make dying feel less scary.
Getting pizza and gifts from my Amazon wishlist by you, was 1 billion times better than dying in a cold hospital room, with wilting flowers.
Now I understand why my dad wanted to die in his bed.
But Iโm saving pennies for a plot of land, to live on.
I want to die on my own little piece of land, where I pay taxes annually, but have no real rights, as I wouldnโt even be able to grow vegetables in my front yard (in Florida), because a law has now passed that you canโt do that. And, if the government wanted your land, they will buy it back at the cheapest price. Whether you agree or not.
Freedom is an illusion.
But whatever.
I feel freedom when Iโm with you (even though I donโt know your name or where you are).
I feel closer to you than anybody else in the entire world.
But then I also feel like we could merge into one and I still would need to get closer to you.
Maybe you only need a cheap thrill ride and here I am falling in love
*bites phone instead of nails*
๐
I like how our conversations always start off like weโre picking up where we left off even though weโre not.
Like, โbabe do you know where I left the keys?โ
โUh, check the stove dear.โ even though Iโve never set foot in your place – Iโd still magically know where they are.
I think my soul may reside in your place metaphorically.
Iโm half dead, half there with you?
Come make me whole?
I like how when you come through the door it feels like youโre coming home or places feel like home wherever you are.
We just fit.
I like how we can be deep into role-play and then have a normal moment without skipping a beat.
โOh yah knock at the door, where were weโ
Like when a drummer loses his drumstick and grabs another stick but never misses a fucking beat.
Of course we have moments where we stumble (mainly due to me) and you can hear the humility in my bones rumble, but then you turn mistake into butterfly wings.
In the real world I would be yelled at or written up.
โRoss, how many times have I told you…โ
And Iโm the kind of person that if I spend 26 hours putting 1000% effort into my essay and then it comes back with a bunch of red marks including my title, itโs fucking war you know, itโs fucking war basically…
Iโm at constant war with the system, no wonder my heart is carving new paths to flow.
Jesus Christ
So thatโs what that pain is
A rip or tear in my heart?
I will fucking die
โLooks like one is closed and the other enlargedโ
Jesus fucking Christ
*gets back under heating pad*
*Disassociates mind from heart*
*thinks about him and tries to simmer breathing to a near calm*
Warmth is life
(But it also would explain why my BP had been dropping and why Iโve been feeling cold)
I somehow secretly think itโs a miracle Iโm still alive
(Thank you to anybody who has stuck around, if anything as moral support)
(I donโt have parents or a fam to turn to)
(Iโve contacted 1 blood relation only)
(I need to get to JAG and get my will updated so I can leave all my shit to 1 person only)
(My dad left 2 people in his will but not sure if it is being followed)
(Why the fuck would anybody respect a dead personโs last wish? I mean we donโt even respect peoples wishes when weโre fucking alive do we, Iโm learning lots of lessons with my dad dying, thatโs all you should know behind the scenes because my dad died just a few months ago didnโt he and now Iโm next.
So goes life.
Some are remembered, mostly not.
Iโm aware that Iโm on the โmostly notโ list.
I donโt even have a fucking burial plot, coffin, or headstone.
And for some reason Iโm learning that if youโre actually dying, having those things feels a lot less scary.
Itโs like wearing your safety belt when youโre driving.
Or having the rails up when youโre bowling.
And there are people out there was so much money they sleep in coffins for fun.
*le sigh*
The thought of dying and my body immediately being cremated like an hour later freaks me the fuck out.
You will be tagged for disposal before your body has even gone cold.
Like, what if my energy needs to do some shit and now they are fucking with my body?
I want my head laid on a pillow and I want the maggots to take me in my coffin thank you
I want to take 500 to 1000 years for my body to turn back into fucking dust thatโs what I want
I want my body to have the chance to fucking do what itโs supposed to do on its own
It doesnโt even have to be a fancy box with a pillow.
I am not an organ donor.
And I donโt want to be โpreservedโ (unless for scientific reasons to be cloned or brought back digitally).
Frozen ideally but that costs the big moneys.
I want to keep my blood, guts, and all.
No funeral.
Just a fucking box and maybe a headstone to show I was worth more than dying naked on the street.
Never thought Iโd have to add to my bucket-list, โbuy a fucking coffin and burial plotโ.
๐
Somebody out there misses me and got me something off of my Amazon wishlist and nobodyโs ever done that before and I have made 100 wishlists is since Amazon came out and nobodyโs ever done that for me for anything, not for birthday, not for anything, I donโt get spoiled
But if Iโm gonna die I wanna look cute doing it and I may be ornery but I can still fucking dress myself
He gets me
And I wish you were here so I could practice dancing in my stilettos and I could use you as a pole. Hmmmm oh wrong chat ๐
I hate that I am aloof and scatterbrained but I love how you react to it, itโs like youโre just running really fast to catch on a moving train!
Woo hoo!
Youโre the warm stone I want my cold bones to lay
Do wish I could have talked to her before getting dose 2 but here we fucking are.
One of the digits of my new phone number was incorrectly inputted when I gave it to the front desk clerk – no matter who was to blame – and this letter she sent me I never received because USPS are at war with this neighbor.
So, when I finally did get through to her the first thing she asked was, โdid you get my letter, the EKG results? I donโt like how your heart looks, youโre too young for your heart to look this wayโ…
But obviously she needs more test than an EKG.
I donโt normally share my personal private health matters, aside from depression.
Iโm not making any of this up.
xoxo
(Iโm really scared about whatโs going on but also I dropped my campaign really low because I havenโt been active there but now I have someone who joined and already has the thing turned off and theyโre clearly not happy so itโs gonna be more guys who just want to use me like they do in the real world – you know they fuck me and then just dump me – thatโs it – thatโs pretty much all my life has been about.
Another hill, another disappointment.
My heart is ripped.
I know I donโt have a great body, but I donโt want a plastic one.
I havenโt even had a hug since 2019 and now Iโm fucking dying.
Iโm not offering him a refund.
They can cum and go.
Nearly dead on the street all used up like Poe.
Iโm not quitting my campaign. I can offer you discounts if you would like to remain or to come back.
I have a ton of content up.
I want to make more art and cosplay. I hate that Iโm always the subject of my photography but I really enjoy taking photography and doing improv, dance, and cosplay. I also like writing.
But I also have a thing for a stranger who I feel closer to you than anybody in the entire world and I donโt really know who he really is
He also makes me feel really good
He makes all this shit worth it
Because I donโt even have a mom to cry to
I like fantasy with him. I like the real things too, like how we match sometimes on things by accident. Or coincidence.
Or magnetically.
Iโm bonded with him.
Weโve had pizza together now, weโre bonded.
Iโm not even bonded to my mom.
Iโve never been bonded to anything.
Weโre bonded.
I would die for him.
But right now Iโm actually trying to stay alive because I want to feel his kiss in the real world and it may be something worth dreaming about and staying alive for because all hope is almost gone.
It was nearly gone.
I was drowning in the middle of the ocean.
He sent me an SOS.
Wait, maybe heโs drowning and the package is the SOS.
He needs to be saved too.
I would give him the last little breath in my tiny little lung.
I like the world weโre building. He makes me euphoric and that was before pizza and gifts.
And then after he stuffed my belly full of pizza –
He surprised me again and got me stuffs from my Amazon wishlist ๐ป
And then I fell asleep on him again ๐คช
(Not literally just metaphorically)
If he was actually here you likely wouldnโt hear from me for days, youโd probably only hear from me when I came up for air…
If he allowed it
๐คช
Slept through the whole night
Looks like heโs got the prescription Big Pharm canโt write me
You reckon them porn stars are ready to make babies with every guy that gets them something off their Amazon wishlist? An I doing this right? ๐
The porn stars only care about money babies – Thatโs why sheโs always looking right in the camera and smiling at you. Itโs called acting.
But this here isnโt acting. This is me wanting to meet up with him in Vegas, elope, and start making babies immediately.
๐
He doesnโt care that Iโm aloof and stupid. Because I canโt even read a coupon correctly and I fall asleep on him.
But thatโs the thing, when he comes around I finally sleep.
Heโs my safe place.
Even though I donโt actually know who he really is.
Itโs complicated ๐
But for the first time in my life somebody bought me something off of my Amazon wishlist and for some reason I keep getting to do all the firsts with him. ๐ป
I want to do all the firsts and then I want to do them again.
Everything about him feels better than dying on the street.
There arenโt any red flags and even if there were, my brain perceives them as a red carpet.
I need him
He knows how to handle my inexperience and goofiness
Or when I read a pizza coupon wrong
He knows how to make me not feel stupid
Even when Iโm feeling slightly embarrassed for being inexperienced or stewpids
He squashes those fears flat before they even get a chance to simmer
I could be 100 % convinced we were on the straight path and then lead us both into a trap and heโd make a game out of it
Cuz Iโve decided this instance heโs my Tarzan
Him and I like the forest
When weโre not busy destroying the city and everything in it
Everything except each other
We stop for kisses and then get back to fucking shit up like Bonnie and Clyde
Iโm busy dying and heโs like โbut can we have babies first before you do thatโ
And now all the parts in my body feel magnetized and activated
There may be a slight hum coming from my bones
Itโs possible I may start levitating a few inches off the ground
Does anybody make you feel like that?
I know how the universe feels expanding cuz he makes all my neurons fire
He makes my entire body euphoric without touching me
And sometimes he makes me throb
He makes me feel the things
And I get to open up and do things with him that other people wonโt let me do
My mind, spirit, and body has been chained
But he frees me
He knows how to release me
Iโm attached to him and itโs not through trauma bonding
We are north and south
Yin and yang
And I have loads of food leftover and stuff arriving this week from my wishlist thanks to him spoiling me ๐
I also have a surprise coming from my DollsKill wishlist, something I got in thanks of yโall pushing me into the top 27, and holding me there so long!
I canโt talk about it, you just have to wait!
(And even tho I was waiting like a hawk all day for UPS, I still managed to miss that โtapโ at my door). The dog didnโt even bark. He barks at everything! ๐คช
I even drove around the parking lot like a madman trying to catch up with him but he was gone gone gone
So I gotta go pick it up at the drop off location I think.
Iโve just accepted that reality is broken for me.
And I can trust my mind just about as much as I can trust my GPS.
๐
Or the CDC.
And I yelled at my nurse yesterday when I was trying to relay a message to her to get to my doctor about looking up the signs and symptoms of Moderna and she wanted to give me the signs and symptoms listed off the CDC website and I was like โI need you to start taking your job seriously, people have died from thisโ.
And then I yelled at her more saying my signs and symptoms arenโt the fucking flu
Or what you can pull from the CDC website which lists COMMON symptoms, not rare.
Furthermore, those are common symptoms from all the vaccines, I need mine specifically from Moderna.
And then I hung up on her cuz my heart canโt take the fucking stress.
And then my mind was wandering to where only seven people had attended Edgar Allan Poeโs funeral and I was thinking I didnโt want anybody to attend mine at all – until he came.
Have you ever missed someone youโve never even met?
Iโm slightly deranged and dying and didnโt even think he wanted me around.
But then he appeared like Neo and said, โIโve missed youโ and I replied, โI can tellโ. And then we disappeared and then I missed Morpheus arriving with my special package for yโall… ๐
The end of the world can wait. Priorities.
Coming out of my coffin soon
I hope
And Iโm having pizza and warm brownies for breakfast
With milk
๐
Gonna have delicious pizza breath off and on all day
And I think my special package is on the brown truck again – I think theyโre going to actually attempt to redeliver it since it was a signed package but then theyโre going to leave it at the drop off point if Iโm unable to show up at my own destination. ๐คช
But I canโt even read a fucking pizza coupon correctly so you know
Maybe Iโm right, maybe Iโm wrong
Itโs like a betting game
I had my pharmacist crying laughing the other day though, I told him, โit says good driver on my license though sometimes itโs questionableโ and he was like STOP IT and was wiping tears from his eyes.
And everything I said was comic gold. He couldnโt stop laughing. He thanked me for the mental health boost.
๐ค
(no need to get jelly cuz this one plays for the other team)
We were just having a moment like the squirrel
Thereโs madness all around but sometimes you just gotta stop and laugh with somebody whose on the job.
Somebody who isnโt threatening to kick your fucking ass simply because you need them to sign onto the register so they can check out your egg sandwich and Coca-Cola in the can.
Youโre gonna sign out and meet me outside are you?
Well I wanna see that fucking shit, I do
๐
So itโs either fighting hoes at the 7/11 or having babies in Vegas.
Iโll take Vegas.
๐
(I was feeling completely depleted and deranged but then he came and filled me up with love and pizza and gifts from my Amazon Wishlist)
Lightning struck twice in the same place
A double first
Heโs some sort of mythical, magical creature and I donโt fear him in the thickness or the fog
He taught me to hover below the fog
To use the fog as a cover
To lay flat so I can breathe easier
Heโs teaching me how to not fear the fog
He told me the fog will come and go
But that the forest needs the fog
He said Iโll get that lesson another time
And then he kissed me and disappeared into the fog
Yโall know how I almost got arrested at the VA because I was letting other people know that they could still get sick even vaccinated because I didnโt want them to get sick even though theyโre getting vaccinated?
Well, Iโve lost followers over that as well but you can go to the CDC website and get this information for yourself.
Theyโre not gonna be as direct in saying it but itโs on the CDC website right there with all the variants and the relapses of people who are getting sick even though they are vaccinated (and these people were shocked and couldnโt believe that they actually got sick because they were vaccinated).
Me too. I was starting to have that misconception that I was going to be invincible at 94% effective against it (you know what I mean free donuts every day at Krispy Kreme just showing my vaccination card)….
Itโs hip, itโs cool to be vaccinated, the cute little cartoon videos will show you people running around without their mask on – but when youโre in public you still need to have your mask on and you can actually still get sick – but they donโt say that or show that in the cute video do they…
Condoms arenโt 100% effective either and they are already talking about booster shots annually.
I will not be getting anything else shot wise in regards to COVID.
They will – at this point – have to enforce it on me.
They will have to enforce it on me and even then with five people holding me down theyโre gonna have a fucking hard time getting that booster shot in me.
FYI.
Iโm done with this man-made pandemic bullshit.
Delirious but not fucking delusional.
My mask will be staying on. I will be keeping six feet from you.
Move anywhere inside my bubble and you risk getting yelled at just like that cop did.
He too will obey the fucking rules or arrest me!
And 4 other cops rolled in and nearly did.
Donโt come at me.
1984 is now!
๐
Why are people so afraid to be told that they can still get sick even vaccinated?
*runs around yelling putting the fear into everybody*
*waits to be stoned/arrested/shadowbanned/crucified/burned at the stake/unfollowed/blocked*
I love yโall so much for not letting me die on the street!
And it feels like that trust thing, where you get blindfolded and fall backwards and trust that they will catch you.
Because Iโm opening up there and exploring my sexuality through camera work and modeling and itโs my safe place to do so.
My account is not hardcore XXX porn.
I strip, Iโm a stripper – but with my artsy spin.
Iโm doing stuff there Iโve never even done with another human being in the real world and itโs very liberating.
Itโs very liberating taking my clothes off and I donโt feel guilty or sinful about it.
It feels natural.
Even my weird fetishโs Iโm learning to explore (vampire cosplay, child cosplay, ect)
And Iโve also done ratings on others and one said it was a really good mental health boost.
I can live with that.
Because itโs also a really big mental health boost just for having your support.
I love you! ๐
I swear to fuck my OnlyFans is better than therapy!
And I realize that my account is way more softcore compared to what other girls are doing on their accounts (I do not masturbate or do porn / XXX). My content is Rated R though. Itโs not PG.
I studied the Kama Sutra all my life and my focus was always seduction (vampire) and sensuality (sensation).
I think I may try to tell stories with the photo sets that I put out.
Not all of the sets because lately Iโve been posting more casual content that would get me in trouble or banned on Instagram.
And I asked them if they would be OK with me doing that and they said yes.
So sometimes they get me taking a bubble bath or sometimes they get me doing cosplay.
Canโt wait to be fully vaccinated though so I can travel and still wear my mask everywhere. ๐
The month of April has been hard for me medically – because of my COVID vaccinations.
Iโm currently day 2 into dose 2 of the Moderna vaccine.
So thank you for letting me post more casual stuff that would get me in trouble or banned on Instagram (or falsely reported and removed).
Like my booty. Been posting lots more booty progress there on OF since I get in trouble for posting it on Instagram, despite there being naked women who are being sexually suggestive and in fact, it is sexual solicitation, but their post can remain because they havenโt been shadowbanned.
Overall, Iโm just grateful for your support on my OnlyFans.
I tried to go live the other night on Instagram to show you the beach, and I was blocked from doing that on my account.
It made me want to drown myself in the ocean. ๐
Big bro has made social media toxic as fuck.
I literally fear doing anything there.
Which makes me even more grateful for my OnlyFans that I have your support because I could be nowhere on the leaderboard and dead on the street.
And there are absolutely people out there that are making me feel bad for even being on the leaderboard because they wouldโve locked me on the bottom of the Titanic and watched it sink in boats that couldโve held more people.
Condoms are not 100% effective and neither is your vaccination. ๐
You can still get sick (or others).
So what does this mean?
It means Biden has a 15 year plan laid out for this pandemic and theyโre now speaking of booster shots annually.
It means you still need to wear your mask, wash your hands and practice social distancing by keeping 6 feet.
Even vaccinated. ๐
Because we are now living in the New World order.
And since 1984 is now – and many are trying to silence me from reminding you of this blatant fact – Iโm gonna put it on a tee.
You can still get sick vaccinated.
They are already talking of booster COVID shots for next year. ๐
(And did anybody notice how they quietly removed the Johnson and Johnson one shot vaccine temporarily because it was causing blood clots but itโs now back in circulation).
I already have heart issues, my BP dropped extremely low getting MODERNA dose 1 (so maybe a slight miracle I wasnโt offered the J&J, and the government likely wanted the MODERNA vaccines for the Soldiers, because it offers a 94% effective rate against COVID (but not the rapidly evolving strains), and letโs face it, a Soldier is a DOLLAR sign. We are only numbers. And many of us have unplugged and have come to learn this fact and theyโre dying by suicide which is why the suicide rate continues to increase among veterans and active military). The government are building super soldiers and they spend a lot of money training us, thatโs why they donโt want us to fucking die. They only care about stats and numbers! The J&J vaccine offers an 80% effective rate from COVID. MODERNA 94%. And I havenโt studied the other vaccines emerging. But Iโm definitely glad I didnโt get the Johnson and Johnson one if itโs causing fucking blood clots and I already have heart issues!
Now Iโve just received my second shot, which Iโm told is worse than the first vaccine (but you donโt need to take my word for it, itโs listed on the CDC website).
So here we go.
Dose 2 complete and now they are talking of booster shots for next year. ๐
This pandemic was manmade.
Itโs clear to me.
Scientists playing God.
Narcissism ruining the world.
With just 1 move the NWO:
1. Put a lid on the โanti vaccinerโ by implementing a manmade pandemic encouraging (rather than enforcing) people to get vaccinated.
They do this by giving you incentive like, โfully vaccinated people can get a free donut at Krispy Kreme by showing their vaccination recordโ
Advertising about how cool it is to be vaccinated and to get vaccinated (even though you can still get sick and you need to wear your mask but they leave this out of the video donโt they).
Giving you the option to be vaccinated makes you feel like you have control over the situation but itโs just gaslighting, itโs just more smallpox on blankets to Indians (and I am part Native American Indian and my bloodline was almost wiped out so my fears are legit).
Eventually it will be enforced.
Through โno entry unless fully vaccinatedโ mandates. I imagine this will be for all public transportation, schools, hospitals, and government buildings.
2. Population control
The NWO want every animal (including you and me) tagged.
You are given a number at birth.
They call it โsecurityโ but Iโm told when Iโm at age to need it there wonโt be any fucking funds.
โSocial Security is under threatโ, remember?
Was anybody actually paying attention to Obama anytime the words โNew World Orderโ came out of his mouth? Because thereโs video everywhere of him talking about it, along with all our world leaders.
Itโs not every now and then they mention it, itโs all the time, during live conferences!
Itโs not a conspiracy theory!
And just because something is a conspiracy doesnโt mean itโs not true!
Just because Iโm paranoid doesnโt mean Iโm not being followed!!!
You can still get sick even vaccinated!!!
Jim Morrison was acutely aware of the illuminati so was Michael Jackson so was Tupac so was John Lennon.
Knock knock
You are a slave, Neo.
I almost got arrested today because some lady didnโt wanna hear that she could still get sick even vaccinated but the other people around me did want to hear it so I almost got arrested for them to hear it.
I also yelled at the cop for getting in my face and not giving me 6 feet and respecting my personal space!
Then more cops rolled in.
1984 is now yโall.
Go ahead and fucking crucify me, youโre not going to silence me!!!
Welp, BIG BRO actually is working towards silencing many of us. Fairly certain Trump isnโt the only one who can be banned from the Internet.
And we can thank Bush with his โSigning Statementsโ for that because weโve moved into a Hitler state!!!
Iโm aware that this post is very political and many may not be able to keep up with the particular topics that are involved but I am a soldier, this is what I do, this is me, itโs part of who I am and will always be.
The key thing you need to take from all of this is, you can still get sick even vaccinated! Stay woke!
And that one lady was the only bad Apple that didnโt want to hear what I had to say, everybody else was thanking me because I potentially saved their life or someone elseโs because they had the same mentality going forward that I did that you were going to be invincible once you were fucking vaccinated – free donuts and itโs cool getting vaccinated, you know!!
Itโs hip, itโs cool man. Itโs a hippie dippy cool thing to be vaccinated!
But you can still get sick! ๐
And booster shots annually.
Big Pharma got the money back they lost from the anti-vacciners and the weed smokers!
Actually, Iโve recently learned how to take a โportrait photoโ (where the background is blurry) and Poe has his eye on me.
Ignore the freckles, kisses from the Sun.
They donโt feel like kisses though, they feel like radiation burns because thatโs what they are, so please keep Vampy in the shade.
And anyway, youโre not supposed to take a portrait in โselfie modeโ but Iโm sick to fuck of following rules.
Iโm that program in the Matrix doing what itโs not suppose to be doing, thatโs why big bro keeps putting the fucking Berlin iron fucking wall up on me.
1984 is now and I am being driven mad out of me mind dying in the street kind of madness
I get to start using the term โhomicidalโ if I ever answer my therapist call again.
Because Iโm so ready for the cops to knock on my door and take me away to the funny farm without my permission.
I donโt feel my booty has reached its maximum effectiveness, it is just getting started. ๐คช
Iโm only a couple months into my rebounding fitness routine – but itโs clearly showing results!
โบ๏ธ
Iโm afraid to even mention the word booty on my Instagram because it will just get reported as โharassmentโ. ๐
Lately, I have seen a flood of women following me, hello and welcomes. ๐ช
I appreciate the support and feedback so much!
Honestly, it motivates me to keep doing this.
I know Iโve inspired 2 women to start rebounding, perhaps even more I donโt know about.
Or more who would like to get going.
Forget the before pictures! Stop comparing your body to how it was when you were younger – or before becoming disabled if – and stop comparing it to other bodies! Listen to what it wants!
I donโt see my body how other people see my body at all! I probably never will!
But rebounding makes me feel better mentally and my heart doesnโt feel like itโs going to die after 30 seconds of rebounding! It takes time!
Rebounding is resistance training – but I try to associate it with โfunโ instead of โexerciseโ.
I always bounce to a good music playlist! Music + bouncing = weeeeeeee!
But it is a lot of work and commitment!
I miss days! I stumble! I get back up!
You just gotta keep going! Allow your body and mind to rest on the days it needs! Give yourself love and nurturing!
I talk to my body when I feed it now!
Like a plant! Iโm giving it positive vibes!
I suffer from depression so none of this comes easy!
Thanks for your follows and support!
It fuels me to keep going and not die on the street!
So I wonโt be throwing away my masks or safety precautions any time soon.
This is end times my friend.
Pandemic life.
Heading in for Moderna dose 2 soonish – and this vaccine is only 94% effective against the COVID virus (and from my understanding only slightly effective from the rapidly evolving strain- Iโd rather not toss out numbers, but I read something like 4%). Fuck ๐
Stay woke, stay safe.
Might be going back flaming orange red soon- if I can give more time for the black to fade from my fine, silky threads. Those roots showing mean my hair is growing longer – woo hoo. Yโall just gonna have to deal with my bed head look a bit longer. But summer is for shades, scarfs, and hats!!!! I live in hell! Gonna start using my umbrella for the SUN! DUH!!!
Umbrellas in the Sun! Itโs the end of the world!!!
And yโall noticed how everything is connected and follows similar patterns?
We ainโt the only galaxy that has evolved life.
Porn and religion are the same entity.
The NWO run the world.
Our world leaders talk often of the NEW WORLD ORDER.
Open your mind/ears.
WAKE UP
Knock knock
Neo, the door
(So to sum things up, Iโm still in quarantine awaiting dose two of the Covid vaccination and this does not mean I will be completely safe or immune from catching Covid or the rapidly evolving new strain, so Iโm not gonna throw my masks away and neither should you- should you get vaccinated).
She said that round 2 of the COVID vaccine can get nasty, people are reporting having to โstrip their clothes offโ in the bathroom when they have diarrhea.
And it has taken me roughly 3 days to recover from shot 1. My heart was like holy fuck – we ainโt even had a hug since 2019! WTF did you give me.
And just think, in only a few weeks I get to do this all again!
Iโll keep you posted- And I am not looking forward to my body overheating so badly that I will need to remove my clothing and everything on the inside โpotentiallyโ (it is a side effect of the vaccine though)
*laughs insanely*
So Iโm getting ready to shop for some butt plugs.
Iโm all in. ๐
People say something is wrong with me because I sometimes laugh when people die or when they fall down or when they shit themselves and like itโs just how I process the bad stuff.
Iโve been having random burst of laughter all morning since I woke up because Iโm terrified of whatโs to come and the only way I know how to make some fun out of it is to buy some really cool butt plugs (like a glass one with a tail) that I can use in some of my cosplay photography on OnlyFans.
When life throws you lemons- buy some butt plugs.
Thatโs the lesson Iโm learning here.
*laughs insanely*
Canโt. Breathe.
I finally got a good laugh in this pandemic, my gut is hurting.
My ass may soon be hurting too.
Just keeping it real…
Nicely put but the reality for some is โripping your clothes offโ in a meltdown because you canโt have any โfabric touching your skinโ
Canโt.Stop.Laughing.
Iโm gonna pee myself
If youโve never had to violently remove your clothing while taking a shit then you donโt know struggle.
OK I think my neighbors mightโve heard that laugh
They are now pushing COVID vaccinations for all VETS (here) and with limited supply.
(So I got part 1 of a 2 shot vaccination series for COVID. Iโm still recovering. Iโll get into all the details below but first… just wanna start from the beginning)…
Got hit by a freight train the night after I had a visit by the Holy Ghost
48 hours later or something and I am still recovering.
From a first time experience for something I will always cherish- to getting part 1 of 2 of the COVID vaccine- my fucking body went into overdrive and my BP dropped really low.
I was in an incredible amount of pain- but the thing that happened to me the night before, left me in a dreamlike trance.
I heard from him the next night- and was like- โsorry my energy levels are so lowโ – not knowing that my heart was actually having a hard time pumping blood throughout my body- my temperature had dropped- my skin was cold- my blood pressure was really low.
I went back to the doc today to get my EKG (a heart test), which I passed.
My blood pressure was also taken again today, I still feel extremely weak, but my BP has increased to a normal level.
My BP yesterday on 3/31 and today on 4/1. Yesterday my BP was extremely low- the doc wanted me to get an EKG while I was there, but I just wanted to go home. Everything at the VA takes 10 years to get done. I had the nurse write down my numbers today because I can never remember shit due to my brain injury.
His visit wrapped me in a protective bubble, I just know it.
His visit had me sedated- which kept me from getting in my head and having any sort of anxiety over how my body was feeling. I honestly donโt think my heart couldโve handled a fucking anxiety attack.
I was in so much pain I couldnโt even sleep. Literally moaning and tossing all night, uncomfortably. โSoreโ she said. This wasnโt โsoreโ, this was a fucking softball that hit my arm.
If I would have died, it would have been okay tho.
I was so calm that I could feel space and time. Because of his visit.
I was dying but it didnโt matter. I was content. Minus the freight train hitting my arm. Like ow.
My heart had expanded with the entire universe. Maybe thatโs why it had such a hard time pumping blood throughout my body. I was temporarily suspended between heaven and earth because of him. Maybe heโs the reason Iโm still alive.
All I know is Iโm having to go through this alone during a pandemic and somehow he made me feel less alone. Unknowingly. I call these things fate. Maybe even mercy. Fate and mercy.
Itโs complicated.
Heโs got more power over me than he knows.
It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, followed by a really scary one, which was actually affecting my body (and still is as I feel it coursing through me) but all I could do is just lay there and be like, โeh, sorry my energy levels are lowโ. ๐คข
Babe, it is my blood pressure.
Iโm stretched from here to infinity.
I love you.
My preferred method of dying would be while making love to you.
In years past I always thought this to be selfish, given that my partner would be destroyed. But maybe some time alone with me would be OK. ๐
I am very sexually deprived but dying while having sex has always been my number 1 preferred way to die, in fact, itโs either immortality or death by sex.
Babe, fuck me to death.
Or, love me to death?
Even when I have low energy or low blood pressure.
Babe, now!
I donโt know who or what came to me but you must be reading this, you must be reading this right now, you know who you are, I love you. ๐
And I think on your visit, as a miracle.
I want to get the date tattooed on me.
Just donโt want to forget since I canโt seem to remember.
Did it mean anything to you?
Now Iโm scared of me around you. Itโs just a phase, it will pass. I can only process two things right now and thatโs Covid and love.
Iโm only scared because Iโm inexperienced.
I was studying how to be softer not harder.
Iโve had to be so tough and hard all my life.
Hereโs what I know about the vaccines, there are two going around: The Johnson and Johnson vaccine and the Moderna vaccine.
Moderna is a 2 part series and is 94% effective against the COVID virus. The Johnson and Johnson vaccine is 80% effective.
No vaccine is 0% effective against COVID.
Everybody will experience different side effects but Iโm not going to gaslight you and tell you that my arm got โsoreโ, no, it felt like a motherfucking softball hit it and I couldnโt sleep all night and my BP fucking dropped the next day.
I still have one more shot to go and Iโm told this one is really bad, people will start catching the fever, the chills, the diarrhea, and all the other nasty side effects, so I will keep you updated on my experience.
So far for me, the pain in my arm has been it. I already suffer from underlying health issues, which is one of the reasons Iโm getting the vaccine.
I will shit my pants if it means I will get some peace of mind from this pandemic and if it means that I can travel again in the future and enter buildings AND because I now have a vaccination card- like I said- eventually theyโre going to get all the stragglers by making it mandatory.
You need to ask yourself do you want to get the vaccine while theyโre offering it to you or when theyโre enforcing it? (I can already hear the skinheads lol)
It doesnโt really matter if you want it or not anymore. It will be made mandatory and you can mark my words. Vaccination record or no entry! Checkmate goes to the NWO.
Placing a bet. 100 dollar bill says they make vaccinations mandatory (for public access like schools, hospitals, transport, you get my drift!?!) Who wants to bet against me that they donโt? I got you a bill if Iโm wrong.
I didnโt hesitate to get dose 1 when I saw they were offering it to the vets but I had my reservations…
Asking questions to the right peopleWe were taken to a special area to be โbriefedโ about the vaccinations. The government doesnโt do anything without a mile long paper trail. And per usual, Soldiers are on the frontlines. If youโre sitting there feeling like we are โentitledโ, vets make up a huge portion of the population that make you feel safe in your homes. Civilians should be next in line for the vaccines. Unless you want to be the guinea pigs and go first? Iโd be totally fine sitting in my fox hole with an M-16 watching yโall orgy fuck each other for it. Let me adjust my scope. The VA is always packed and understaffed, I just donโt like to take pictures of folks… Moderna is 94% effective against the COVID virus and issued in a two part dosage series. I was told that the Johnson and Johnson vaccine is 1 dose and 80% effective. No vaccine is 0% effective, FYI. Iโm still a soldier with my boots in the trenches and yes I still get a paycheck by Uncle Sam. If Iโm entitled to it itโs because I worked for it. Hard. But there are still people out there who tell me I donโt deserve my pension. Knowledge is power. Reduces fear. Youโre welcome.
Please know that how the VA does things may not be the way things are done for civilians.
You may not have to go through a briefing before getting vaccinated.
Dose 1 of the Moderna COVID vaccine. Injected into the muscle. Have now had others agreeing with me that it feels like being hit by a baseball bat or โpunchedโ in the arm. They also agreed they could not get comfortable enough to sleep. This was for dose 1. Another universal sign I was on the right path- weโre all matching. Gloves. Needle. Shirt. Same color. 90 degrees, into the muscle. I used to give vaccinations all the time working as a combat medic and medical specialist in the Army. First to fight. HOOAHAnd just think, round 2 may include the shits. ๐
Selfless service is part of the soldiers creed.
Didnโt spend my entire life in a fox hole fighting to protect you just to come home so I could cough on you and potentially kill you. Also, tired of fearing the individual coughing with their mask down touching my fucking shoulder. Like woah, personal space + social distancing- keep fucking back 6 feet! But now that there is mandatory social distancing, nobody respects personal space anymore. I havenโt even had a hug since 2019 and I donโt do good around people currently.
Iโm ready to get back to life. Gigging. Travel. My OnlyFans photography will improve, just based on the fact that it wonโt be in this fucking dreadful house anymore.
These fucking walls.
These fucking masks.
I read an article on CNN where the native American Indians were begging everyone to get the vaccinations, saying that the Indians are being wiped out by COVID and they understand the fears, and it was a turning point in my decision making- that- and the fact that they are now offering the vaccinations to veterans (at least here and in limited supply). Iโm scheduled for part 2 of this vaccination series, which I have to get in about three weeks (this month).
Iโm so tired I donโt even know whatโs going on anymore aside from the fact that I was at the VA again today having my blood pressure rechecked and getting my EKG, which I passed. I have a sensitive heart. Iโm sorry. Petite. ๐
Facts about death resulted from the vaccine per the CDC – just to ease your mind.
Well the chances of me dying by receiving the vaccine are low but the chances of me dying by contracting Covid are very very high because I have underlying health issues and Iโm not taking the chance.
Iโm definitely terrified and not looking forward to round 2 in a few weeks but it is a necessary evil at this point and my peace of mind is already so much better.
Iโm just a โruntโ but overall it wasnโt that bad!
Youโre erupting, let the lava flow into my waters.
Free love (from the chains that bind)
Youโre getting into your head, I can feel you getting into your head. Stop thinking with your heads and start thinking with your heart.
Babe, you donโt have to bring the moon to me every night.
But that doesnโt mean I wonโt look on each night with wonder.
Iโm still so elated.
In fact, my blood pressure is EXTREMELY LOW. Enough that the doc wants an EKG.
So Iโm still floating on clouds in hell.
Thank you very much.
Will die for you.
xo
Be wild.
You know where my fort is and youโre the only one allowed in it.
Iโve never had that sort of safety with anybody before.
I love you.
And safety is my number one business (soldier)
I wanna crawl into you.
Sleep.
Or just be.
All the speeds.
I donโt want you to drown with mankind
This isnโt your design
I would die for your kiss
We could start with coffee but I would die for your kiss
Your sins
Your kiss
To feel your thumb on my lip
(signing off from some alternate, ethereal galaxy where I am half alive and half dead with a BP of 59/70 (low low low)
Trying not to get into my head because I donโt think my heart can handle an anxiety attack right now.
Iโm in this ethereal, calm state because of you.
But not everybody lives to be old and I really want to live long enough to feel your kiss.
Calm down.
Weโre connected to each other, through time, through lines, just deal with it.
Plant the seeds.
Till the garden.
Water it.
Clean the weeds.
Watch love grow.
Keep nurturing love.
Fruit and blooms.
Nuts.
Delicious treats.
Iโm living my last decade I can feel it.
Michael Jackson said he wasnโt going to live past 50 and he didnโt.
*sigh*
Iโm in a foggy mist of love.
Youโve got my heart completely stretched out.
I can feel neutrinos or something.
And Iโm like a little kid who doesnโt want to go to sleep because Iโm afraid Iโll stop dreaming about you.
But also I want to live in a fantasy world because I live in a fucking world of confusion because of my brain injury so give me something other than paranoia and fear for a change.
We can just sit in the dark.
You have no idea how the sound of your heartbeat would be like a beautiful harp echoing through my soul and I want to feel your vibrations bouncing off of me.
I know Iโll never be enough for you.
But I never had parents or an identity, Iโm ruined.
I donโt want to cage you.
You are my safe place.
I know you donโt think very much of yourself and you donโt have very much self-respect but Iโd take a bullet for you.
I could never out you.
Would cut my own wrist open and sink with the ship.
Iโve had some pretty mad nights, thought I was going to wind up on the street.
I inspired someone to start fitness rebounding!! ๐โค๏ธ๐
When the stones are being hurled on my back, Iโve started looking back.
And then I would take each one of those stones and place it up on my mantle, for the world to see.
Look? My cheek has been slapped! If I had cause, I would have then given you my other cheek.
โIf the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.โ
It hates you because you tell it that you are not of this world.
Still, my arms are outstretched, are they not, for the whole world to see?
But this time, it wasnโt a stone. It was hand, lifting me right off my ass.
And this time it came from an actual WOMAN.
I do not get a lot of encouragement at all from women in my life. In fact, itโs generally the opposite.
I get a lot of women who watch me and complain about me at the dinner tableโs to their husbands.
I get a lot of women who yell โslutโ at me at the gas station.
I get a lot of men who yell โwhoreโ to me (when theyโre not trying to kidnap me off the street).
Iโm not brown enough. Plastic enough. Fake enough. Thick enough.
Mโkay.
So why do you keep watching every move I make?
If Iโm everything you canโt fucking stand?
You wanna crucify me?
โIf the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.โ
I donโt share with you every stone hurled my way.
And sometimes you can see me falling down with my cross because itโs so fucking heavy.
But someone has just given me some water in the form of encouragement.
It seems, I have inspired someone to start rebounding for fitness!
They just started!!
Theyโve been watching my fitness journey on Instagram, because I recently started sharing it a couple months ago.
Including the dreaded โassโ photos. But people are starting to see how my ass has shaped up, firmed up, and became rounder (and itโs not even where I want it to be yet).
And I do get a lot of strangers online, mostly in the form of a male, who complain about my body.
When Iโm not getting requests for free nudes or to sell them nudes. ๐
Or being called an unfit whore.
Or when they go from worshiping me to giving me the silent treatment. ๐
You donโt live in my world.
They all hate me.
Well, not entirely all. I have a few cheerleaders still it seems.
She was telling me how her energy drives were low and I tried explaining to them to just keep going- and to stop comparing your body to how it was- or to other bodies.
And that mustโve been the nail-on-head.
When they said they would get around to it โtomorrowโ I thought they were joking.
But she actually picked up a fitness rebounder and has started rebounding!!
You only need 10 minutes a day!
But it is extremely tough and with my challenging illnesses and disabilities, I still have not made it to 10 minutes a day, but I do try to get at least 3 to 4 days a week in! Sometimes though I donโt even get that in but itโs all part of my fitness journey and Iโve been sharing it all on my Instagram.
I post most of that stuff in my stories.
Itโs nice to know that my words are being heard.
Iโm not going to lie to you, I canโt stand cardio and I canโt stand running and Iโm not even allowed to do it anymore because of my physical conditions.
I pushed myself hard-core the 15 years I served in the Army.
My body and mind is broke.
And Iโve had to find something to do aside from walking or biking that will really push me without damaging or further complicating my disabilities.
Rebounding is that.
A rebounder.
A fitness trampoline.
I have a Goldโs Gym rebounder that I bought online.
It said it requires two people to put it together but I got it put together by myself in four hours (I have a learning disability and it required a three hour break and mental breakdown and then I was able to read the directions clearly and finish the steps).
There are days I canโt get on it at all.
But now that I can get through two minutes without feeling like Iโm gonna keel over and die, Iโm actually getting ready to add weight to my legs and arms.
So I have inspired a follower to start rebounding!! ๐
I have inspired them to just keep going and to stop comparing their bodies to other people or to their own bodies before they became disabled or aged!
To just KEEP GOING!!
And take those rest days when you need!
Listen to YOUR body. Not what other people are telling you to put into your body! Pay attention to what foods make you feel good and energetic and eat more healthy foods and less fatty foods which actually block the happy receptors in your brain!
Unfollow accounts that make you feel bad about yourself and start following accounts that make you feel good about yourself!!
Spiral out, keep going!!!
Donโt fucking die alone in your bed!!!
Oh wait, thinking out loud again. ๐ฃ๐ฃ
Thank you to everyone out there inspiring me in a positive and beautiful way and Iโm glad that I am inspiring you too and honestly itโs what keeps me going!!!
Iโll start sharing more of my fitness journey, too! I wanted to start sharing it on my blog, so maybe I will. But I post most of my jumping videos and stuff on my Instagram stories and on occasion, on my Instagram feed.
Instagram is becoming such a drag though, a lot of my content is bow being blocked because of my music.
More censorship hurdles.
1984 is now.
Art is becoming illegal.
Copy of a copy of a copy is now what is normal.
Donโt retreat.
Unfollow those accounts that are making you feel bad about yourself.
Find your tribe and nurture the fuck out of it.
Iโm still nurturing my tribe even though they want to give me the silent treatment.
I mean, this song still makes me lose my shit and Iโm still wholly obsessed with you.
I just see it as a sign from the rock gods
I am a music groupie, but Iโm not allowed to talk about it anymore.
I do miss hanging out with all the rock gods.
Bless me with your tunes and VIP
Amen
(Signs from the rock gods, signs from the universe)
Is a gig in my future soon? It would be a miracle at this point.
And the guitar player for Alice Cooper is in my story, coolz!! ๐
I was just thinking how I wasnโt welcome in your house and how I needed a little attention and here you go blessing me with the rock gods so thank you
(And for the other grey signs too) ((my orbit is circling back to you, thank god))
SIGNS ๐
P.S. your poetry is my bloodline
P.S.S. (your rap drives me insane) ((Iโm sorry for always childishly dry humping your existence everywhere but like why are you so fucking perfect at everything- the darkness- the light- I need every inch of you)). FUCK
This was literally a try on session because due to COVID we cannot in the store. The tags were still on. But it still got reported cuz my flesh is just so very fleshy. I plan to get proper footage soon and uploaded to my OnlyFans, without the got damn tags.
Itโs just silly given that the tags were still on and there was literally nothing to be offended by.
But I have calmed down now that Instagram has put my post back.
Thank you Instagram. Content creators need to be protected. This is my intellectual property. I am following TOS policy, protect creators from silent bullying and harassment.
Type O Negative, a favorite band of mine, had an entire country ban them once and Iโm literally having meltdowns because one person has it against me LOL LOL but in the end Germany unbanned them, they were allowed to return to the country and perform again and Germany is now like one of their number one fucking supporters, so you know, my enemy, is just really my teacher…
My enemy is turning into my teacher
LOL
I took live video which is actually photos and not videos but I havenโt been able to sort where I can upload it anywhere and Iโve already hit Google and seen that other people have had this issue with their iPhone X, iPhone 6, and other iPhone devices.
When I go to add it into my Instagram story it shows it as moving but then when itโs posted itโs not. *sigh*
So now I have a lot of really cool practice booty shots that I took in this new set while the tags were still on and I even added the effect to them making them animated but now I donโt know how to upload the content where itโll actually be fucking moving like itโs supposed to.
It doesnโt save like GIF or video – And I have a brain injury and a new device and Iโm moving over from Samsung Galaxy to Apple, itโs an entire new fucking world. Alice in wonderland ๐
But Samsung lost me when they forced the Facebook app on you and you canโt remove it at all.
Facebook has given me account deletion warnings and now Iโm just gal gone wild there. Itโs best I avoid. I donโt want any social app FORCED on me. Especially one that wants to ban me from its use.
Itโs literally dude after dude trying to โget to know meโ so they can get free nudes and have a better cum session. End of.
Some of them donโt even try to get to know me, they just get straight to it and ask me for the nudes.
Happens all the time.
But get this, Iโm a whore if I ask them to pay for it and Iโm a whore if I donโt give it to them for free.
Yee haw hang on mama we bought to let our tiddies fly!
On my OnlyFans. ๐
Because thatโs the only legal place I am authorized and verified to show my body.
THE ONLY PLACE I CAN SAFELY BE A GIRL.
Also was getting tired of people trying to get me to sell them nudes of my tiddies.
I ainโt going to jail selling my content to some teen.
Again, Iโm on OnlyFans, it is the only place I feel safe to post any nude content.
Or fleshy content.
Or flirting.
Or seduction. Which is kind of like a big thing for me as a vampire, I canโt even be fucking seductive anymore. ๐
But if youโve got some overly engorged fake ass sex organs you can post that shit everywhere.
I used to think that my body was gross because thatโs what dudes had me believing because I didnโt replace my shit with plastic and prematurely age my body.
But more and more as I look at deformed Hollywood it literally hurts my eyes.
It happened to Michael Jackson and he was my first crush but it got to a point where I couldnโt even look at him anymore but that didnโt stop me from bleeding on the couch for two weeks after the illuminati murdered him…
Anyway if I can figure out how to get these files posted and moving in their animated form, it will be really cool for my next photoshoot. Itโs definitely one of the reasons I wanted to get an Apple iPhone because Iโve heard that you can get amazing photography and videos and I really really really really really love videography.
But so far I think Twitter is the only place I have found where I can upload it and that is the one place I donโt want it to go.
Gonna try and figure out once again WHY the format is not being recognized when I upload to Insta, WP, or OnlyFans. At this point I would love to be able to share the practice ones I took of my bum in this new lingerie set. ๐
If anyone has a quick work around for this please let me know.
These arenโt MP4 or GIF and at this point if I can learn how to convert it into one or the other that would even be helpful…
I love having a new toy but I have a learning disability.
I hope you can be patient with me before I push out my next OnlyFans content.
And Iโm sorry for turning off commenting everywhere I could on my social media platforms- but I was under threat and when my intellectual property is under threat and under fire, like the only thing I know how to do is to take cover.
The Army literally trained me to take cover when under fire and also if surrounded by enemy with no means of support, to play dead.
Iโm fucking good at running for cover and playing dead.
FYI. When you see me retreating, Iโm usually drowning.
Thanks for putting me on the leaderboard and into the top 50!
Oh lookie, just as I was about to publish this post, I see Insta has reposted my video that was selfishly and wrongly reported by some twat!! They need to start penalizing people for wrongly reporting!!
Take me now or lose me forever? I’m on the OnlyFans, I dropped a new cosplay set, I have more content coming. Thanks for putting me in the Top 50 on OF! Happy to be on the leaderboard! ๐Woot! Awesome to be on the OF leaderboard! Thanks!
Better than coffee, slippery when wet oh wait, wrong analogy ๐
You do more than perk me up. Carving new channels of longing…
Are we still talking about coffee? I really need some coffee. You know what I mean? COFFEEE
People get addicted to coffee and people get addicted to people. But people addictions are way stronger. Like I don’t see people dying by suicide because they didn’t get Starbucks today.
I suffer from depression and I realize in hindsight that’s probably a tacky thing to say but it’s true. Like I can go days and days without eating and it’s cool, like no big deal, fuck life, but make me go one more day without love and nurturing and like oh my God, I’m ready to f****** die….
Chemicals. ๐
I mean, all of this, all of creation, over some fucking gas. It’s mind boggling.
It’s energy though. Manifesting itself in the most beautiful and cruel ways.
Ever notice how everything is always falling downwards?
Gravity gravity, I’m not talking about no apple falling from a tree.
Sagittarius A* – that supermassive black hole in the center of our Milky Way galaxy that our Sun is orbiting. *bites nails*
Pigtails as voted for by my followers on Insta โบ
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Whatever happened to friendships being earned? Trust being earned?
Things happening naturally?
But no, they do wanna rush into everything right away.
Like getting to know me better
*SLAMS COFFIN LID SHUT*
Why was he so offended by me needing my space and privacy, even tho he tossed the word “respect” around. Why was he attacking “all white women” and how he doesn’t want to “date them” if he was only wanting a friendship from me. It’s fucking creepy.
Why is the blogging community so fucking quiet about this racist fucking incident? Had I been racist towards Chris, it would have been a way different outcome. ๐๐
Lu doesn’t even want them!!! Lu fled hell a long time ago *laughs*
He says the narcissist have “ruined everything”.
Apophis is coming.
Mortals. They’re just completely incapable of self-reflection or growth.
These days I worry more about the trees and the animals.
Apop is going to wipe out all life on Earth.
The only thing that matters is NOW.
It occurred to me that I could live through the 60s.. Of 2060 that is, when Apophis is suppose to make her 2nd flyby – and this is the one scientists are now worried about but this isn’t the first time Apop has been close to us, she’s visited visited us before, but she’s getting closer every time.
There used to be these big ass dinosaurs that roamed the Earth. It does my mind in.
But I believe the new theories about the dinosaurs, about how they actually drowned in the Great Flood and they were feathered like chickens and turkeys are today. According to the scientists who had correctly dated the age of the Earth and they’re now finding DNA on dinosaurs, so there’s no way that DNA is that old, according to them.
Oh, and now they’re starting to track our DNA all the way back to Adam and Eve. I’m doing one of them DNA tests soon. My grandmother always told me I was German and Native American Indian. But humanity did not just come from Africa…
Anyhoo just some babble.
Check out (with an open mind and ear) “Is Genesis History” and “Thrive”. Thrive is a bit older, but it talks about everything from Aliens to Angels, so you really got to go in with an open mind but the ending of it blew my mind, whereas the ending of ‘Is Genesis History’ was kind of ridiculous. Both worthy of watching. I own Genesis. Have watched it several times. You can probably find ‘Thrive’ on YouTube. Make sure you watch a decent quality. It was HD when it came out.
The creepiest thing I’ve ever done is slid into someone’s DM with a cryptic, romantic, gothy, secret confessional poem because I thought I might die and actually wanted him to have it. Not my best move. Scared the poor boy back from the hell from which he came. And I’m still writing poems for him.
He’s the only thing that makes me feel alive.
*slams coffin shut*
2 things I probably really loathe is someone sliding into my DM instantly wanting to get to know me or drilling me with a hundred questions about my fucking life.
And if I tell you I AM TOO SICK TO BOND, YOU NEED TO RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES AND NOT ATTACK MY SEX, MY SKIN COLOR, OR PERSONALITY.
Not one motherfuker stood up for me over this racist fucking attack and it was bullshit that he shared our private fucking conversation in his Instagram story.
Fuck you. You’re what’s wrong in this fucking world, you racist piece of shit.
Not all the messages in my inbox say “fuck you”. Some DM’s are pretty good too.
Thought I’d take a break from the negativity and reflect on that.
I got some fans out there. They’re not all enemies.
Not everybody wants me to die.
FYI.
Got news about how my dad died today. My dad wasn’t in the best health but the COD was natural/ atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease (so likely heart attack or stroke).
We are still dealing with legal matters, I’m mourning (he died last month in December).
I’m hoping I can get a workout in today and tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t feel like I’ve lost an entire fucking week but like it’s been a rough one.
I hate being depressed and I don’t get people who are depressed who actually have energy, I think those people are just discontent or bored with their life. That isn’t depression. If you can run a marathon, you aren’t depressed honey. Fatigue is the number one symptom. Welp. And crying. And thoughts of dying. The thought of checking the mail is like climbing Mount Everest.
I’m not lazy, I’m depressed. Where is my 6 foot hole so I can crawl into it. But could you put a heating pad down there cuz the Earth is kind of cold? And some Pink Floyd tunes?
I haven’t actually been listening to a lot of music. Or playing my guitar. But I stare at my guitar daily and I won’t put it in its guitar case because I’m hoping that I’ll play it if it’s out and I’ll even try to convince myself that I want to play my guitar but like the energy just isn’t there and there’s no joy or desire for anything.
Tacos. I desire tacos.
And a foot slave. So, I’m going to be bringing some foot fetish stuff to my onlyfans as well as some nude digiart because I love making digiart but have never actually done nude digi art of myself so I got some new OF goals. I am still planning that big vampire cosplay shoot for my OF too.
Can’t rush the art but time is of the essence…
I’m really excited about making some kinky Foot videos.
I have the cutest little feet and now they have a purpose!
I also have a shoe fetish! I love buying shoes but I prefer being barefoot it’s a conundrum I know but now my shoes have a fucking purpose too especially in this quarantine where I can’t do anything with them!!
I’m not really interested in making like Tik Tok videos of me changing my outfits.
And I tried to go live on Twitch via my computer and the audio is all kinds of messed up and I don’t know why.
So, I’ll be attempting to do an Instagram livestream where I read some of my top poetry from my website.
I haven’t started hooping yet either and I’m kind of bummed about that.
I’ll try to keep making baby steps towards everything I want to do because I’ve been mourning pretty bad behind-the-scenes.
But I’m feeling so overwhelmed like I need to take two or three days to just not do anything at all.
I’m dealing with a lot of chemical imbalances in my body.
Hormones.
I’m moody. Edgy.
Is it normal to be this edgy after losing a parent? Me and my dad were pretty close but we also had a pretty rocky relationship.
It hadn’t really been rocky though, I mean since I was a kid honestly.
I just saw him not even 2 years ago for my birthday. But somewhere in between that time and him dying I got mad at him and pushed him away like I’ve done everybody else.
I had actually been contemplating emailing him for his birthday but he died just a few days before his birthday so I didn’t get a chance to make it right.
I still believe that 6 minute rare rainbow event was my dad saying goodbye. He was one hell of a B3 organ player, played guitar, sang. Gigging was his life. I got to see his final gig. His “great gig in the sky”. He loved Pink Floyd near as much as me. And I could play Pink Floyd as much as I wanted around my dad which is cool because parents and kids usually don’t listen to the same music so.
Sorry to put all this on you, I usually put it on my therapist.
Or, to the next person who wants to step on my precious fucking feet.
Welp. I am small but mighty. Like Napoleon (although I think I’m taller than he was). That’s a weird fact to remember about someone, so I had to go Google it just to see and it says he was 5’6″, which means we were actually the exact height. But, I am taller in boots and heels, to be fair.
Awe shit, and he’s a leo! No wonder I like him lol. Was he banned from France? What did he do? I can’t remember off hand!!
Has anyone ever been banned from your country? Or here in America? I don’t recall. It might be a blessing to get banned now. KIDDING. JOKES.
Isn’t New Zealand covid free or something? How do you get banned from a country? What country takes you in? What in the actual fuck. Could you imagine being banned from the planet? You’re no longer allowed on Earth, you’re going to Mars. Well fuck, when are we leaving?
Speaking of Mars, got my NASA boarding pass for the upcoming Mars landing!
My official boarding pass for the upcoming rover landing to Mars. It’s also nice that we’re starting to have more successes landing on Mars than we are failures. Which might account for the planned manned missions. Woit. Gotta stay alive for this. Right? This is the kind of roses that makes me really excited. Lifeeeee universe nerdy things ๐
Y’all know, I actually DID apply to live on Mars with Mars One in 2013 and there were over 200,000 people who applied and not only did I get a call back but I made it all the way into round 2 I made it through all of my medical examinations until I dropped out for personal reasons. But, Mars y’all. Mars. It’s a love of mine. And I did lots of interviews when I was in the running! I was actually a candidate to live on Mars. I had folks laughing til they saw me on the news and in the paper and then my command sergeant major said his son was interested in going too! But in uniform at the Golden Corral when he first learned about the Mars thing, he kept looking at me from across the table saying “you’re going to die Ross, you’re going to die, they don’t have food on Mars”. He knows how much I love food and let’s be honest he didn’t want to lose one of his best soldiers. But after his son learned about it, and they saw me on the news, he was quite proud of me. ๐ He even brought a little clip from a newspaper he found of me mentioned. I’m sure it’s buried around here somewhere with all my awards and medals that would take up probably an entire wall or more.
And feel free to stalk my old Facebook Mars One Candidate page, it’ll have all sorts of links and videos. Hope shit still works. I’m ancient. LOL https://m.facebook.com/deliatomars/
I deployed to Kuwait and Iraq (not Afghanistan) but it was a pretty fun interview!! Just wish I hadn’t invited my evil ex along but at least they spelled his name wrong *evil laugh* https://youtu.be/yupJHGGuMU0
And it’s not true about stuff being on the internet forever because I lost stuff. Important stuffs. That I believed would be around forever…
Look at how it parts The Red Sea Still you ask if we love thee Look at how the Earth is splitting We have taken a knee Look at how the clouds hover me Galaxies glowing from envy
Below contains maybe trigger warnings so read at your own discretion. I have the ability to offend. One of my superpowers!
Sidenote: my dad died last month, and while I may seem actively posting, I’m kinda falling apart behind-the-scenes. I’m not taking too keenly the demands of my time, I’m still pushing people away, suicidal, and out of fucks to give. It’s just an FYI. I’ve no mind to socialize. I’m an introvert. I dig my privacy. I’ve always been an elusive creature. And picky with how I share my time. The narcissist is abundant and will drain me dry. It’s nothing personal, just how I be. You’ll notice how I don’t have a contact page. And now I don’t like leaving comments on other bloggers stuff because my email gets disclosed and I start receiving unwanted emails. This just recently happened where another blogger was acting super obsessive of me and my time and emailing me nearly on the daily (and was going on and on about how into me he was- but he doesn’t support any of my campaigns). I had to set him straight. I guess I should feel bad for sending demons back to hell but I’m dead inside. ๐๐
You will likely hear other bloggers call me a “bitch” for being indifferent to their narcissistic tools of manipulation…. M’kay keep moving. I know my worth.
I am a Vampiress. Queen of the Undead. And I bite.
*muwahahahahaha*
And y’all thought I was joking when I told you the devil has me on speed dial for advice. Tsk tsk.
In other news, I have packages in delivery, but due to covid, may not arrive til next year. Welp. I’m being sarcastic. They should have already arrived but they’re kind of in limbo. I’ve been planning a vampire cosplay shoot. Like, we may get to Mars before that happens. Again, sarcasm. But it’s the first time I’ve ever done anything like I’m planning to do and I’ve planned to do it during a fucking pandemic. Not the best timing I admit. But 2021 already feels like deja vu. Or just 2020 2.0.
I feel like I’ve been here before even though I haven’t. I feel aloof. Have I really died? Heaven feels kind of empty.
Is there like a hug from Gavin Rossdale at the end of the tunnel/light? I need hugs. Welp.
Not in love with the guy, just been obsessed with him since the 90s, my second crush, no big deal. It’s just when he sees me at his shows he showers me with all sorts of love and sometimes his guitar pick or sweat. I act all sorts of stewpids around him. Cursed him accidentally in Miami once but the next day I got a tweet by him that it was great to see me. Got all kinds of mems with my king but man I didn’t get to go to one show in 2020 which means I didn’t get one fucking hug from my king. Welp.
There aren’t many bands in the alternative scene that are still putting out music that I like or many of them have already died but Bush remain a huge inspiration for me musically. Dig his films too. Gavin Rossdale’s role in “Constantine” with Keanu Reeves was fucking amazing. Gav has done lots of film stuff but he’s not fond of the long hours, itchy makeups, TV, or being away from his fams. KING.
I miss gigging so much. Gah. I’ve seen Bush in several different states and cities now. But it’s to the point I’m ready to save up some money to see them in the UK. Only the pandemic as a barricade. Welp.
Gav giving me his Superman poses! Uhm, his abs are rock hards. Couldn’t stop the feels. ๐Birthday gig August 2019. Seems another life ago!! ๐ญ๐๐ญ
The Bush Army hate me but the leader likes me coming to his shows. ๐
If I ever get the chance to meet him again I hope I can act normal. I literally start screaming when he comes near me okay I fucking scream. Like a little girl. How fucking cute. But then I start dropping shit or I’ll cuss him out or I’ll forget like basic introductions. Welp. My brain just dumps loads of chemicals when I’m around him and I go fucking haywire. It’s ridic.
I do have loads of band photography from a lot of bands that I’ve seen because photography is a passion of mine and maybe one day I’ll start sharing that here on my blog.
When I love a band I love a band obsessively and wholly. Pink Floyd has been my number uno since the age of 8. I’d piss myself if I ever met David Gilmour. Maybe keel over and die of happiness too. Welp.
This poem IS NOT about my king. I do not long for him in such ways. I couldn’t sleep and it’s now almost 2 a.m. and I needed someone to talk to. Kinda. The quiet hours are my favorite time to write. Or just be. You also have to be extremely careful of serial killers and rapists but you know. I have 15 years of army training as a reminder. I am a trained killer. But also, I don’t really think killers like killing suicidal people cuz we just be like “yeah come on give it to me, where yah been my whole life” ๐…
So what’s the pandemic like at your neck of the woods? I’m going stir crazy if yah can’t tell. And Florida feels like 1 degree. I can’t even step outside it feels like Antarctica. I need my cold weather gear to take my dog for a piss. I can’t deals.
I always find it so strange that the absence of light means coldness. Death. I don’t want anybody touching my cold fucking leather after I die. I’m starting to have these weird fucking ideas about my body when I die.
It’s weird seeking death and immortality at the same time but I’m a strange one.
Ideally, I would like to donate my entire body to an organization that would like to freeze me and bring me back via clone or some sort of digital format. I don’t really want to donate my body to science so some students can cut me up and squirt my blood all over each other laughing, no thanks.
Or that asshole in the morgue who doesn’t know how to handle my hair.
Yes, I worry about my body after death. Why? I know not.
Necrophiliac’s? Eek. I have trouble fucking things that ARE alive.
Sometimes the dead are more alive tho. And better company.
Look at how you carve through precious stone- You go from cherished to disowned!
If this is how you treat what you cherish- Spear the love, see if it will perish?
Cherished muse- You have 20 more to replace for every one you lose!
Let me tell you what you wish; A face you really could cherish!
He can turn water into poison You’ll never know you were chosen He can turn truth into erosion He’s got fire but it is frozen
Don’t call on him to have pity You won’t find any in his city Crossing wires like love is infinity He is guilty
He’s not bold He’d whimper and fold He looks old But that’s the price of cold?
It’s a balancing act Trying to remain intact After privacy is lacked And seeing through any mask
How did all these years come to pass Living hour by hour under glass When did mere living come last Crawling these circles full mask
How many roads of lies were paved When did summer turn to grave Too broken or damned to save “Regret” on tomb engraved
She’s got everything hasn’t she? She has his time, admiration, and money. Still, she’s confused on who to be. Meanwhile, I’m a fish out of water, He doesn’t care if I die or breathe
I got iron steel regret How heavy can it get? I’ll find out yet Weighing every bet
Pinching any nerve left I’ll fail each and every test I’m the very best at less I’m the best at less!!!
I do terrible things For love In everything absent of – I don’t rise above
If only disappointment were a page to turn If dismay were a sunray But I chew on bitterness Bewildered from his poison seed
I pack worry in a suitcase Toss my rainboots in a tree Laced with lies received It’s how I bleed
I sometimes think you are many faces Filling spaces Second bases All these places
You assemble hope in tied up laces Watching over me like the moon in phases Carrying me over trouble through midnight races
Love is like the beginning and end
There will be no headstone No grave From life to dust I’m not okay
Deny me love. I will appeal.
I’ve been berated Words sophisticated Now time is hated Black holes where waited Hours wasted Love is not how it tasted Love is not how it tasted
At 26,000 light-years away, it’s the closest we’ve ever been And if regret is a singularity, it’s finally creeping in
Could fit all I am in a tiny box Cheap, won’t cost a buck Disposable and out of luck And for me, he doesn’t give a fuck
Well thank you for leaving me where I didn’t want to be.
He’s been charged with possession of stolen property.
You can lead a comet through a narrow path Treat darkness like an overpass
Lay down a red carpet full of glass Ask the Sun if it’s okay to bask Precious love is always last
You turn a word into a ton of weight Can make a damaged heart dilate Stop all of hope with an iron gate And take holy love to desecrate
You can lead a comet through a narrow path Make an angel take a dirty bath
I’ve seen the dead rise from the ink you spill Not even god can escape the gravity of your will You dig tunnels just for thrill See how many you can kill
Come to me By frothy sea Shine your light I fancy thee
Red shift, blue shift I don’t give a shit
I’m so much better than that flock of shit you summon Your mouth is the opposite direction I am running Your lies only come by the dozen You can knock but you can’t come in The darkness covers all but it’s my coven You ain’t welcome here again
I’m having trouble facing things Or how the sorrow becomes permanent encasings Though a bullet to the skull wouldn’t phase me A daily crucifixion, the only life I’m facing
You’re cruel Using me as your fuel You’re not my tool
I drink from the carton And I never show my enemy just how I’m hurtin’ I draw the curtain And if you catch me taking a nap Are you for certain?
I’m a rib from your side A curse like Dracula’s bride Or Bonnie and Clyde I drink your love like cyanide Mixed with hope and rhyme
Cut the cord yes I certainly did Filled my home with darkness so thick I hid Over valleys of crying I skid
Death and chaos is order Loving him made me older Even a glowing moon can’t comfort the way you smother You’re a terrible lover Always lying under cover You don’t love her You have only mind to wonder Less a heart just feet with thunder Get going you monster
Well, how much more dead can you get?
I don’t know what it’s like to be desired If I had purpose it’s now expired My wings expand but heart is tired Tell me what in life is required?
Why does my love always cause destructive tidal waves?
Did you know mountains were resting on your shoulder named envy? You let me crash on your soul in frenzy I’m dizzy Did you not need me?
Did you know moons were glowing with envy? Heartache cost not a penny But I got plenty If you need any?
Gone But left my heart to disassemble on its own I left it rotting on your throne Caring too much for desensitized bone Lust your carried tomb I’d rather be alone Direction unknown
Got dressed up all like I had no where to goes- But I did and I do, I have people to impose
There are parts of me that are dying Fragile cells multiplying Swamps forming from lying Weeping willows heard crying
Edges of time his mind I go missing every time His rhyme Holding me to crime His line Wishing on a dime
Sometimes, I climb into the ether where we met Heaven is risky but I took the step You feel like eternity in an instance Gotta keep our distance
Every day there’s some new tragic fate with you.
Evolve or repeat.
Why hold on to something when all our sums have failed Why give me any hope when there’s holes within my sails
I fell in love with a monster Spying on ways he would watch her Twisting and burning for answer Changing moments to cancer
I can smell the lie on his tongue I can see the tar clear in his lung I know every direction he’s coming from I know evil is where he sprung
I can see his shadow hanging low Like a spider crawling slow He’s not here to help you grow A web of lust his afterglow
He brings you presents wrapped as lies When dressed as shame he’ll change devise To maintain charm he’ll risk goodbyes
God they’re all the same Using lies to earn your trust We’re just a game You think you know their name Then learn the truth now you’re to blame
God says I can’t save them all- Focus on the stars, I know about the stars So I’m on my knees, I wallow in these scars
God says, watch how the colors bleed- How it’s flowing free We’re only allowed pockets of energy
Stop serving good vibes to those deserving of goodbyes
If only there were a fence that lead me to your green pastures. Or if love were the grandest gestures.
Would it cease our need of treasures? And increase in heart our pleasures?
I’m hanging onto life with all I have left And you I’m clinging to with every single breath
He grew obsessed after every loss The thing he loved, became his cross Still over mountains, he gave it all And how he sweat, she never saw
From the top, to the bottom, to rising again Deserted deserts, losing treasures, our feet have been Over powered, over run, still fit to win The trouble with hope, it burrows under your skin
How can heaven weigh this? Are you not why heaven fell?
How many lies are you leading The light receding And was I ever in your field of needing? How many lives proceeding
How wave after wave pummeled Darkness fully tunneled
I don’t want to be known for the wars I fought – Or the hate I taught
I don’t belong here With the putrid Though the dead more alive
I bit more than I can chew I am stupid Got the devil in my crew
I invited evil to dance Then got muted The devil in a trance
I see through mask like a pattern Deeply rooted Though in the dark he was my lantern
He has to be very careful Of who, of what, of when, of why Every step he makes is sterile Of love, of care, of hope, or I
I am replaceable A traveler straight to erasable He is obsessed with her And her and her But me it’s always never
I can handle extreme pressure under fire But put me in the cold and I will expire
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